MiSTing: Who Q? Where Q? [4/8]
Chris Mayfield
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>Captain's Personal Log
>STARDATE 48129.24
>Marrissa Picard recording
Tom: [Marrissa] Hello? Hello? One...two...three...is this thing on?
> The Naklab System Negotiations enter their third day today.
>All sides are no closer to agreement.
> Thid Negotiation I am mediating is begining to remind me of
>Poker Night in Commander Riker's quarters...
Crow: Liquor up front; poker in the rear.
> Each person concealing
>his cards, raising the stakes. The difference is I don't know all the
>cards in the deck much less who has them.
Mike: Well if you did, it wouldn't be much of a poker game.
> If I don't find out the
>important cards soon, this mediation attempt will will go down as the
>worst failure of diplomacy since the Klingons got there hands on
>Captain Kirk.
Tom: Or the worst failure of diplomacy since Captain Kirk.
Mike: Ouch!
> Personally I am ready to throw in the cards
Mike: When Ratliff gets ahold of a metaphor, he runs with it.
Tom: And runs and runs and runs...
> if I have to sit
>though many more arguements like yesterday's.
>
> "You control Sobnia, ha!
Crow: We've got Boardwalk and Park Place!
> Troac can't even administrate a small
>section of an asteroid belt," Sel Rahc Selaw said.
Tom: Ooh. That hurt.
> Marrissa was beging to get a headache. The ambassadors
Mike: By Henry James.
> argeed
>on nothing but to agree to disagree. She knew now why the other
>mediators had failed-- they were driven insane
Crow: Where ya going?
Mike: Crazy. Wanna come along?
> by the illogical and
>insane statements and proposals of the Naklab Sel Rahcs.
> "AT LEAST MY PLANET DIDN'T INVADE ANOTHER, WITHOUT A
>DECLARATION OF WAR," Sel Rahc Ekeal responed angerily.
Tom: Oh yeah? Well your motherland wears army boots!
> It looks like its's time for lunch, Marrissa thought, but first
>I better defuse this mess.
Crow: The green wire. Cut the green wire.
> It's 1258 hours, time for lunch. "May I
>have your attention," Marrissa asked.
All: NO!
> The Negotiators ignored her. "We're not cowards like you,"
>Selaw responed.
> "MER'APH!" Marrissa yelled.
Tom: Ratliff, if you want a swear word, use a God damn swear word.
> The room quieted after the sudden
>volume of the until now softspoken young captain. "I will here no more
>insults or name calling in this room.
Mike: Got that, dickweed?
> Is that clear? We will ajourn
>for lunch and let our tempers cool."
Crow: Maybe if Marrissa spent as much time at the negotiation table as
she did at the cafeteria, this whole mess would over by now.
> I'll go to the bridge, Marrissa thought. A couple minutes in
>the center seat will bring me back to reality.
Tom: Reality? In this fanfic? Don't count on it.
> It always does. I'll
>eat lunch while Jay and Doctor Johnson bring me up to date.
>
> The turbolift opened onto the bridge. "Ah! my young captain,
>how nice of you to join us,"
All: Join us!!
> Q said from the counselor's seat.
Crow: In a lowcut, purple, spandex outfit.
Tom: That was one image I could do without.
> "I was
>just showing your first officer some of the regular command crew's
>encounters with me while I waited for you." Q jestered
Mike: He danced about in his little harlequin costume and juggled some
apples.
> at the
>viewscreen.
> Captain Picard was fighting Sir Guy.
Crow: Knight of the Generic Table.
> Sir Guy said as thier
>swords crossed, "I'll have you know I"m the greatest swordsman in all
>of Nottingham." A fury of sword clashes followed.
Bots: Clang! Ding! Bang!
Mike: Fall down! I cut you! Fall down!
> As there swords crossed again Picard replied, "Very Impressive.
>There is something you should know ...
All: I'm not left handed.
> I'm not from Nottingham." the
>Captain finished off Sir Guy.
> The viewscreen returned to its view of Sobnia.
Tom: [Jay] Hey! I was watching that! Turn it back!
> "I've put all
>of my encounters with humans into this computer," Q said. "Take a look
>some time, you may find them entertaining."
Crow: Especially the alt.sex.fetish.startrek files.
> "That's nice Q," Captain Marrissa Picard said. "Computer
>begine
Mike: The beguine.
> recording the bridge for transmission to Starfleet Exploritory,
>Admiral Necheyev. Q, are you responsible for dissappearance of the
>crews of the Brattain, Hemingway, Miranda, and Tain Nan Men?"
Crow: [Q] Yes! And I stole the Lindbergh baby too!
> "Yes, Why do you ask?" Q responded.
> "Just a hunch," Marrissa said. "Where are they?"
> "They are provideding naval support to Captain Picard's defense
>of a midevil castle-town," Q replied.
Mike: Wait. I thought we already established this.
> "Thank you Q," Marrissa said. "computer end recording and
>dispacth recording
Crow: [Marrissa] Thend it to thomebody important.
> appended to file dispacth, to Admiral Necheyev,
>Assisatant Chief of Starfleet Exploritory, presently aboard the USS
>Excalibur NCC-26517."
> "Petty sure of that hunch, weren't you?" Q said.
Tom: Uh, what hunch?
> "A good Captain is always willing to act on a hunch," Marrissa
>replied. "Jay you have the bridge. Have Doctor Johnson come to my
>ready room when he has the time.
Crow: Have him bring my nurse's outfit.
> Care to join me for lunch Q?"
> "I thought you'd never ask."
>
> Marrissa went over to the replicator, and said, "Turkey
>sandwich number four,
Crow: Sandwich #4? That sounds like a Rothko painting.
> large french fries and a large glass of
>strawberry juice. Do you want anything Q?"
> "No thank you"
Mike: [Minnewegian] Oh ya know, I met that Q boy. He's just the nicest
entity! So polite!
> Marrissa picked up her order and brought it to the desk and sat
>down behind it. "Now what do you want to say, Q?"
Tom: [Q, nervous] Marrissa Amber Flores Picard, will you marry me?
> she asked as Q sat
>down across from her.
> "I'm trying to complete my study
Crow: [Q] Could you come over and help me put up the drywall?
> of Captain Jean-Luc Picard,
>your father," Q said. "It occured to me that interviewing you would
>give me and additional source and insight into Jean-Luc Picard."
Tom: Or you could snap your fingers and interview him yourself outside
of time, or scrape whatever knowledge you need out of his head, or...
> "Ask away. It will be awhile before the doctor arrives."
> "Evacuating people under fire is so time consuming isn't it.
>What is your father like in your quarters?"
Crow: Oh, Lolita...
> "he is a good father, as fathers go. I'm generally left alone
Mike: Negligence=good parenting.
>as long as my grades are goodm my room is clean, and I don't interupt
>his work. You say the doctor is under fire?"
Tom: Life and death matters are smalltalk for apathetic Marrissa.
> "Yes, the third Overjaras Bres position opened fire. What
>about on duty?"
> "OK, as long as I don't mess up. When I do I get it form
Mike: He makes me fill out his tax returns as punishment.
> both
>Commander Riker and my father. Should I do something abuot the
>doctor?"
Crow: Mike, Marrissa has been informed that her medical officer is under
attack. Her response?
Mike: Dull surprise!
> "No he just beamed aboard. I better be going I'm about to be
>needed by your father."
> "Tell him how things are going here, Q."
> "I will." Q vanished.
>
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> A second dawn over the castle town found Captain Jean-Luc
>Picard at the window of the highest tower in the new castle.
Mike: He's gonna jump!
> A druken
>townsperson was making his way home from the Eagles' Nest Tavern. This
>however did not interest the captain. His eyes were ooking further
>west,
Tom: His ookies viddied some lewdies out of town.
> past West bridge toward the western hills.
> A black line was proceeding in from the hills on the road to
>the West Bridge Gate of the town, throwing up dust.
Crow: Bill Keane has drawn a dotted line showing the advance of the
Romulan troops!
> As Picard watched
>the the line became rows and coloms
Tom: Colom, colom; what has it gots in its nasty castle?
> of men. And over it all flew the
>white and green banner of the Romulan Warbird. His enemy has once
>again reared its ugly head.
Mike: I don't know. Some of those Romulan chicks...rrrrowl!
Tom: Man, you've been up here _too_ long!
>
> Later that day Picard watched as a couple hundred romulans set
>up camp
Crow: It's the Romulan Boy Scout Jamboree!
> just to the north of West Bridge and out of arrows range.
>Commander Riker had wanted to ride out while they were setting up camp
>and attack them.
Mike: Riker wanted to kill indiscriminately.
> Picard, however, had a better idea, but Riker would
>get his chance.
>
> Captain Phillip Andrews and the Brittain sailed up the Blue.
All: [hum Rhapsody in Blue]
>He passed under North Bridge as it ran from out croping to the high
>bluff of the town. Then it came suddenly into the view of the Romulan
>Camp. Andrews orded the ship aligned to fire it's cannons. And then
>the Brittain opened fire.
>
> Chaos reigned supreme in the enemy camp.
All: [Romulans] We've got movie sign!
> The leaders attempted
>to bring a defense up against the the unreachable Brittain as it fired
>it's parting shot. The shot left no trace of the leaders tent and the
>camp became even bore
Tom: The story became even less interesting.
> chaos ridden.
> Into the panic rode Riker's knights, slaying enemies left and
>right. The Romulan's begain an exstreamly unorganized retreat.
Tom: So, how come Picard hasn't done the ultra-humanitarian tactic of
trying to make peace with them?
Crow: Because it's a bad fanfic more concerned with a body count than a
plot.
>
> The castle dungeons gained another four dozen people when the
>day was over. Five dozen enemy soldiers laid on the ground dead.
>Almost half of the soldiers had escaped into the woods.
Mike: Agony.
Tom: Misery.
Crow: Woe.
>
> That was not the last of the romulans, however. The next
>moring found three hundred encamped by South Gate and another hundred
>accross the Green from Harbor keep by the waterfall.
> Picard quickly sent reinforcements to Leiutenant Worf at South
>Gate. They arrived just as the first charge began.
Mike: Half a league, half a league, half a league onward!
> A battering ram moved forward with a dozen ladders for scaling
>the wall.
Tom: It's Battle Chutes and Ladders.
> Data quickly began taking out the men carrying the battering
>ram. Soldier after soldier fell to the mighty baow of the android.
>The emeny archers, seeing the problems he was causing began targeting
>him, but a dozen arrows in his chest did not deture Data.
Mike: [Romulan commander] We need one o' them androids for our side.
> The ladders reached the walls and were laid up against them.
>One of them was by Data. As a man began to climb up it Data grabbed it
>and lifted it up off the ground.
Crow: [Data] Going up?
> The man lost his grip and fell off as
>Data brought the ladder over the wall. Upon landing the poor soul
>cracked his hed open on a rock outsided the castle walls.
Tom: His hed tropped off.
Mike: Outside of Howth Castle and Environs.
Crow: Rejoyce! He gets to be Finn again!
>
> Further down the wall, Worf was engaging som sucessful wall
>scalers. One of end of his bat'leth caught the enemy sword and sent it
>away from him and the other end cut deeply into the enemy's neck.
Mike: The first blade lifts the head off the neck...
> It
>was the thirteenth Worf had felled.
Tom: The numerological symbolism is everywhere! We're in the hands of a
master author!
Mike: Whatever.
>
> The attack failed, but not without cost to both sides.
Tom: $39.95, plus tax.
> Scores
>of enemy soldiers were lying on the battlefield dead.
Crow: Whoo-boy, that's gonna stink in a couple of days.
> A couple dozen
>were removed from the wall as well.
Tom: Anyone got a putty knife?
> The Federation forcers were no
>unharmed, Fifteen were dead and a score more were injured bad enough
>to require care.
Mike: Call the barber! Who wants a bleeding?
Crow: You know, twenty years ago, we would have said that the problem
was due to spirits possessing them. Now we know that it's due to a
small frog or dwarf living in their stomachs.
>
> Captain Picard was mad when Q joined him in the New Castle
>tower. "Pleasant day isn't it mon Captain,' Q greeted Jean-Luc Picard.
Mike: [Q] Nothing like a war to get the endorphins working, huh?
> Picard turned from the window to face the demigod.
Crow: I wouldn't go that far.
> "It most
>certainly is not," he said in a curt tone. "I just recieved word that
>15 of my crew members are dead. Fifteen DEAD Q, as in never to
>return."
Mike: Guess Picard's not a Buddhist.
> "Jena-Luc, such anger," Q replied. "May I suggest a session
>with Counselor Troi?"
Tom: On Risa?
> "That won't help my crew people who are still dead, Q,"
Mike: But it might help the ones who aren't dead anymore.
> Picard
>said calming down a little.
> "they would have died on this mission anyway," Q said. "If you
>had been serving as Naklab system mediator instead of your daughter,
Crow: Ooh, throw _that_ in his face.
>those crew members would have died in an attack and a galaxy wide war
>would have erupted when you died wiping out the human race.
Tom: So the entire universe would die because some piddling backwater
planets are having a civil war? Yeah, right.
> Instead
>the problem will fade and when your daughter dies
Crow: Marrissa dies? Hallelujah, baby!
Tom: Yes Virginia, there is a God.
Mike: You guys are cruel.
> no one will be alive
>in the system to renew the conflict."
> "You mean you are doing us a favor?" Picard asked
Tom: Wait. Is Picard completely indifferent to Marrissa's death, or did
I misread something?
> "Must you be so thick headed, of coarse I'm doing you a favor,"
Mike: By killing off Marrissa we'll save the world from any more Ratliff
fanfics.
>Q explained "A war wil never happen and I will have enough time to get
>my research done on the human race and you done."
> "I knew there had to be another motive," Picard commented.
>"And thank you Q."
Tom: [Picard] That little brat was really beginning to grate on me.
> "Your welcome, Captain," Q said. "And by the way Captain, is
>it all right for me to take your daughter out on a date?"
Crow: Before she dies, I mean.
> "Most certainly NOT!"
> "Temper, temper, Mon Captain," Q said. "It was just a thought,
>I have no intention of doing so.
> Q vanished in a flash leaving Picard to puzzle over Q's
>statements.
Mike: [Picard] Hmm. He's stopping a war and all it's going to cost is
the life of--OH MY GOD!!
[Commercials]
[Continued in part 5]