[MiSTing] "Trials and Tubby-lations" [Teletubbies/VOY/X-Files] [4/5]
Matthew R Blackwell
[The trio enters and sits.]
Mike: Well, a crossover.
Crow: I hope that the tubbies head over to Bear's house, and
Bear eats them.
>From usenet-199806171145.VAA27284=magna....@chaos.taylored.com Wed Jun 17
>06:45:57 1998
>Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative
All : Uh-oh.
Mike: Here comes the ballpeen hammers....
Crow: No, this might be an angst fic where Mulder's love for Scully is
tested after she begins to date a tubby.
Tom : Or a thrilling conspiracy arc episode where Mulder discovers
that one of the Tubbies is actually his transmogrified sister!
And another is what's his name, you know, the guy whose hat
Mulder has?
Mike: [Mumbling] I'd prefer the hammers to either of those options.
>Subject: A Teletubby X File *PG-13*1/1
>From: X-Files-Fanfic List <usenet-199806171145.VAA27284=magna.com.au@chaos.
>taylored.com>
>Date: 17 Jun 1998 11:45:57 -0000
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> I did not write this.
Mike: But if a story has no author, how can it be written?
Crow: Ooh. How zen.
> This story was originally posted to the X-Files
> Fan Fiction mailing list.
Tom : The XFFFML. Providing Mulder-Scully angst to the wired community
since 1992.
> It was automatically posted to atxc by
> request of the author. Please send feedback to the author at the e-mail
> address in the message body.
Mike: Or you send the feedback to your local representative of the
conspiracy. They'll get it to the author. Bruha-ha-ha!!!!!!
> For more information about the mailing
> list, visit http://www.chaos.taylored.com/chaos/mailing-lists.html
Crow: Or visit your public library.
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
Mike: Wow. They're queuing up really early for "The Phantom Menace."
>
>
>I did not write this. I am merely posting it for a friend.
Tom: o/~ I'm just waiting on an e-mail. I'm just posting for a
friend. o/~
>Please direct all comments to her.
>
>%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
>
Crow: Wow. Percentage signs.
Mike: That's a new one.
Tom: AHHHH!!!!!! I can't riff percentage signs! NOOOOOO!!!!!!
Mike: Calm down! It's easy. Look! It's the 78 eyes of Su-Maru!
Tom: [pause] Okay, I'm calm, but now I'm disgusted at that
horrible riff.
Mike: Just as long as you're not screaming anymore.
>
>A Teletubby X File *PG-13*1/1
Crow: Join us as the Tubbies investigate disappearances near
the old Peacock place! It'll be really fun!
>Deslea R. Judd
>drj...@tig.com.au
Mike: Hey! She's Australian! Maybe I should speak some
of that Aussie lingo to make her...
[The bots turn to glare at Mike.]
Mike: [Quietly] Perhaps a little later then.
> drj...@catholic.org
>Copyright 1998
>
Tom : No, Father Time has copyright on 1998.
>DISCLAIMER
>
Tom : I have not, nor will I ever read the novels of Sutter Cane.
Crow: Thanks for sharing that.
>This work is based on The X Files, a creation of Chris Carter owned by him,
>Twentieth Century Fox, and Ten-Thirteen Productions; and the Teletubbies, a
>creation of Ragdoll Productions (UK) and BBC.
Mike: Although James Carville blames them on Ken Starr.
> Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa
>and Po remain the intellectual property of the latter parties and other
>characters remain the property of the former parties. They are used
>without their consent and without commercial gain.
>
Crow: Damn! I had plans for a great X-Files/Tubbies video game.
>Spoilers: None except for my son's television viewing habits.
>
Tom : Years later, this document became the root cause of the
collapse of the Judd coalition in Parliament.
Mike: Follow the leadership of a Tubby fan? Never!
>Category: Humour, XF/Teletubbies Crossover.
>
>Rating: PG-13 for mild language.
>
Crow: I'm beginning to suspect that Stone and Parker were
involved in the writing of this.
>Summary: The Teletubbies call Mulder for help finding their favourite
>things.
Mike: Mulder quickly finds the mittens and the raindrop-soaked roses,
but those kittens are murder!
> Mulder, thinking them strange alien creatures, drags Scully off to
>Teletubbyland to investigate. And what do Miss Omnipotent Writer, Tea
>Leoni, Samantha Fox, Toyah Wilcox and the M15 have to do with it all?
>
Tom: Er, nothing?
Mike: To find out how Encylopedia Brown solved the mystery,
turn to page 133.
>Fan mail is always appreciated!!!
Mike: You can send that fan mail to:
MST3K Info Club
PO Box 5325
Hopkins, MN 55343
Crow: Mike?
Mike: Sorry. Force of habit.
> My e-mail is drj...@tig.com.au or
>drj...@catholic.org. Archivists, feel free to add this to your
>collections; but be sure to let me know. This and my other stories may be
>found at http://homepages.tig.com.au/~drjudd (shameless plug).
>
>A Teletubby X File *PG-13* 1/1
Mike: And the titles begin again.
Crow: Maybe this is a crossover with "Prince of Darkness" too.
>Deslea R. Judd
>drj...@tig.com.au drj...@catholic.org
>Copyright 1998
>
> One day in Teletubbyland, the Teletubbies were playing with their
>favourite things.
[Silence]
Tom : Er, we're going to learn a lot more about the Tubbies'
reproductive systems than we ever really wanted to know,
aren't we?
Mike: I don't think so. This is a PG-13 story.
Crow: Have you seen what they get away with in PG-13 films these days?
All : Uh-oh.
> Tinky Winky had his nice red bag, Dipsy had his black
>and white hat, Laa-Laa had her beautiful big orange ball, and Po had her
>scooter.
Mike: Honor had a treecat.
Tom : Oliver had his Bannana 3000.
Crow: Gallagher has his big mallet and his watermelons.
Tom: Duncan had his sword.
Mike: Quinn had his portal.
Crow: Mike had his planet chunks.
Mike: You shush.
> But one by one, the Teletubbies' favourite things began to
>disappear. They looked //everywhere//, but their favourite things could
>not be found.
Mike: British toy manufacturers had stolen them for use as prototypes
in making cheap Tubbies merchandise for the kiddies.
> "Where bag?" Tinky Winky asked.
Mike: It's left at the gas station, then right at the second
intersection, go straight 20 miles, look for the McDonald's
billboard, you can't miss it.
> "Where hat?" Dipsy asked.
> "Where ball?" Laa-Laa asked.
Crow: I'm getting flashbacks to all of the incoherent fanfic that
we've ever read.
Tom : Check the credits again. I'm betting that SR's name might
show up.
> (At this point, the narrator's 20-month-old chimed in, "Ball!" and
>pointed at the ball madly, but that's neither here nor there).
Tom : Ooh. This is going to be odd on a meta level too.
Crow: Then the 20-month-old pointed at the philodendron and chimed
in... well, you get the idea.
> "Where cooter?" Po asked, for she could not say 'scooter'.
Mike: As she had a malformed septum.
> "Uh-oh!" the Teletubbies cried together.
Crow: For only by speaking in one voice can the workers be heard...
Mike: Please. Again with the "People United!" agenda? When will you
learn that the achievements of individuals are all that matter?
Tom : Can we postpone the meeting of the SoL Literary Journal until
later, please?
> (At this point, the narrator's 20-month-old chimed in, 'Uh-oh!' at
>a very high pitch).
Mike: I'll say! It was five feet over home base!
> "Never mind," Po said. "Big hug!"
Mike: The Tubbies had fallen under Leo Busalgia's evil sway...
> The Teletubbies hugged one another.
> (The narrator hugged her 20-month-old, mainly because that's the
>only way she could think of to animate the phrase "hugged one another").
Crow: Clinton and Lewinsky had the same problem.
> Teletubbies love each other very much.
Crow: Clinton and Lewinsky had...
Mike: Enough.
> (The narrator, who had just spent $15 on a Po stuffed toy for her
>20-month-old traitor to commercialism, said, "Pah!" under her breath).
Crow: See? It's the market's fault...
Tom : Don't start on that thread again either.
> Just the same, when the nice narrator didn't kick in with a quick
>easy solution, the Teletubbies got worried. Love's all very well, but you
>can't ride it.
Tom : Yep. You can't start it like a car, and you can't shoot it like
a gun either.
> At least not on a children's show. And you can't throw it.
Mike: [Mumbling] Tell that to my ex. She threw it in my face often
enough...
>At least not without a restraining order. I suppose you can wear or carry
>it with enough determination, but well, it just isn't the same.
Tom : Tell me about it.
> And when
>you're a boy who's into hats and bags, well, you have to get as much
>mileage out of your preschool years as possible before big people start
>telling you only girls can do that, making you resort to hiding in the
>closet with your nice clothes and accessories.
Crow: Unless you're RuPaul. Then it's the start of a good career.
> But then, Po had an idea. She picked up the Teletubbyphone and
>called an American number.
Tom : Specifically, she called 56. He'd been in California, laying
low until things blew over with 42 and 23.
> There was only one person who could help them
>now.
Crow: [Adam West] Yes, Comissioner Po? King Tut is attacking the
Egypt exhibit at the Gotham Dance Studios? We'll be right there!
> "Mulder."
Tom : Mulder, is that you?
Mike: Huh?
Tom : Sorry. Force of habit.
> "Eh-oh, Mu-dher. Me Po."
> "You're Po, you say?" Mulder asked, instantly on the alert. That
>voice wasn't human.
Crow: Granted, Mulder thought that about the pizza delivery guy too...
> "Me Po. Where cooter?"
Tom : [Mulder] Cooter? He's probably still in Hazard County, with
those Duke boys.
> //Hmm,// Mulder thought. //Me...where...the creature has some
>English, then.//
Mike: Mulder's in The Creature Has Some English, Then?
Crow: Isn't that near Manitoba?
> "You're looking for your cooter, Po?"
Mike: Something heard every weekend in Arkansas...
> The creature's voice became plaintive. "Where cooter?" she asked
>mournfully.
Crow: [Po] Verily, if mine cooter dost not be discovered quickly,
then I whilst surely goeth mad!
> "You want me to come help you find your cooter, Po?"
Tom : And they claim Mulder's slow.
> "There!" Po said with great satisfaction.
Mike: Then Po lit a cigarette.
Tom : Great Satisfaction wondered what Po was talking about.
> "There? You've found your cooter?" Mulder asked in confusion.
Mike: A state that Mulder's in quite a bit.
> "Where cooter?" she asked again plaintively.
Crow: [Po] I'm just going to keep asking you until you find it...
> "Does 'there' mean you //want// me to come and help?" he asked
>desperately.
Mike: [Mulder] I'm flailing here! Come on! Just one coherent
sentence! Please!!!!
> "There!" Po said again vigorously.
Tom : Po's practicing the power of positive thinking.
> "I'll be right there," Mulder said firmly, and hung up.
Mike: [Mulder] Wait. I have no idea where there is. Better *69 'em...
> In Teletubbyland, Po looked at the telephone in confusion.
>Normally people made her say "Bye!" four or five times and laughed when she
>kept popping up.
Crow: The people in Teletubbyland also found the "Earnest" films to be
highly amusing.
> Po started to cry.
> The narrator sighed and said, "Time for Po to go to bed."
Crow: [Po] Awww. Can I stay up until Pacific Blue's over?
> Po brightened. "Bye!" she cried, waving madly, and popped behind
>the phone.
Mike: [Po] Hey! Who left their sandwich back here?
> The narrator waited.
> Po popped up again. The narrator pretended to laugh.
Tom : It'd be so much easier if they'd just install a laugh track...
> "No," she
>chastised gently. "Time for Po to go to bed."
> Po waved again. "Bye!" she cried, and popped behind the phone.
> Po popped up again, but the narrator ignored her.
>
Mike: Just like she was ignoring Billy Idol.
Crow: Po didn't like that. Po snuck up behind the narrator,
grabbed a huge knife, and-
> Meanwhile, in Washington, Mulder slapped down a plane ticket in
>front of Scully. "Come on, Scully; we're going to Britain."
Crow: [Mulder] I'll be investigating reports of alien blancmanges at
Wimbleton.
Tom : [Mulder] Skinner wants us to protect the Spice Girls.
Mike: [Mulder] My one man show is opening in the Theater district,
and I'll need to make sure that Harvey Firestein gets me right.
> "Phoebe got an itch she wants scratched?" she asked, bored.
Tom : [Scully] Or does Rachel still have a crush on Ross? Or is
there a problem with Monica? Hmmm?
Crow: And just for variety, a distinct lack of exposition.
> She'd
>have filed her nails, but, well, it just doesn't do for an Agent to look
>like a secretary.
Mike: Right. Besides, secretaries make more money than FBI agents do.
> Besides, formaldehyde played havoc with polish anyway.
>Blasted autopsies.
Crow: Scully really should have become a dermatologist. She seems
to be much better suited for dermatology.
> Mulder gave her a baleful glare. "I just received a mysterious
>telephone call.
Mike: [Mulder] It appears to have been from a bunch of lovely ladies
who were just waiting for me to call. And it only cost me $1.99
a minute.
> I traced it to an unmapped region called Teletubbyland.
Crow: [Scully] So all its links were text based?
> A
>strange alien creature was asking for help in locating its cooter."
Tom : [Scully] [Pause] Mulder, have you been drinking Nyquil shooters
again?
> Resisting the temptation to ask either (a) how he knew where the
>region was, or that it existed, or its name, if it was unmapped,
Mike: Well, Teletubbieland does have an active ad campaign.
Tom : Come to Teletubbieland! You may not know where it is, but it's
really nice!
> (b) how he
>knew the creature was alien,
Crow: Simple. The Lone Gunmen have a dossier on the Tubbies.
> or (c) why on earth he kept following up on
>these mysterious phone calls which always meant a tiresome mytharc episode
>or three,
Crow: Or a movie that doesn't really explain a damn thing about the
blasted mytharc stuff. [mumbling] And then gets summarized
in the first five minutes of the season premiere...
> she demanded, "What the hell's a cooter?" Scully said 'hell'
>quite a bit to try and kill her prim and proper image, but she usually
>sounded more like someone who's just discovered the word and is trying it
>out. (In that sense, she had quite a bit in common with the Teletubbies,
>an insight she wouldn't have thanked the narrator for, who wisely kept it
>to herself).
Tom : Great! We've got blackmail material on the author now!
> "How the hell do I know?" Mulder demanded. Mulder said 'hell' a
>lot, too, so that Scully wouldn't look tougher than him; but considering
>this is a man who has been overpowered by every criminal on the East Coast,
Tom: At least he hasn't been Magic: The Gatheringed by every felon in
Los Angeles.
Crow: Or Star Trek CCG'd by all the petty thieves on the Gulf of
Mexico.
>including a man whose battlecry was 'You're a damn good-looking man',
Mike: And he got beaten up by Dr. Forrester too.
> he
>didn't have much success. (In that sense, he had quite a bit in common
>with Matthew on Newsradio,
Crow: Mulder had a crush on Bill McNeil too?
> an insight he wouldn't have thanked the narrator
>for, who wisely kept it to herself while congratulating herself on her
>tact).
Mike: The narrator went for running gags. In that sense, she had
quite a bit in common with one of the co-authors of this
MiSTing, an insight he will not thank me &*FOR*&!
[Mike leaps up from the theater chair.]
Crow: Hmm, wonder how that tack got there.
Mike: [rubbing his hinder] Yeah, I wonder.
[Mike cautiously sits down again.]
> Scully took a glance over the narrator's shoulder. "Hey, take a
>look at what this broad's writing about us!
Mike: [Scully] This lousy dame has me yappin' in 1930's slang! Ain't
that a corker?!
> Gimme that, Miss Omnipotent
>Writer. FILING MY NAILS? I have a million-dollar contract, and you think
>I do my own nails?"
> "That's Gillian, not Scully," the narrator corrected helpfully.
>"And they're acrylic infills, not nails," she added, tact forgotten.
> "That's IT!" Scully screeched.
Crow: Come on. That Steven King episode didn't have anything to do
with Pennywise.
> She stood back in a generic
>martial-arts pose, and the narrator belatedly remembered that Gillian
>Anderson did her own stunts. Which meant this was gonna HURT.
Tom : It also meant that certain members of the GAEB would have
paid big money to be in her place.
> She wrote hurriedly.
Mike: The spell checker would get lots of use tonight.
> The heroine stood there against the light, her burnished hair like
>copper set aflame. She looked like a Greek goddess, warlike, exquisite.
Crow: Ah. Kissing up. Our first line of defense When Hollywood
Attacks!
Mike: Next on Fox.
> Scully stopped, a sweet little smile on her face. "Really?" she
>asked, her cheeks a pretty pink.
> Encouraged, the narrator kept writing.
Tom : She had yet to have her spirit crushed by an unending series of
form rejection letters.
Mike: [mumbling] Damn that ten-thirteen Productions.
Crow: Mike, we warned you that they wouldn't want a script where
Mulder and Scully try to find out where your ex-girlfriend
is.
Tom : She's gone, and you're not getting that keyboard back.
Mike: Damn.
> Succumbing to her allure was so tempting...to kiss those full, red
>lips; to gaze deep into those azure eyes; to suck on those sweetly
>swelling-"
Tom : Surreally slowly stirring shivering simply slightly sticky-
Mike: Tom, people from the Alliteration Agency are here. They want
you to put down the beginning consonant.
> Scully spoke. "Uh...there's no need to overdo it."
> "To move lower, to descend into the valley of the goddess-"
> Scully gulped. "Don't go there, honey. That kinda action ain't
>in my contract."
Mike: To hell with that! Keep going!
Crow: [To Tom] We have to get him off this station. Or at least
get him a date.
Tom : [To Crow] How about one of those Russian mail order brides?
Crow: [To Tom] That could work. We'll talk later.
> The narrator shrugged. "Have it your way. Weren't you asking
>Mulder what a cooter was?"
> Scully turned to Mulder. "Yeah, what //is// a cooter?" (The
>narrator was starting to realise how Ed Jerse talked her into getting a
>tattoo so easily).
Tom : Two words: Peppermint schnapps.
> "I heard that," Scully hissed.
> "Don't ask me," Mulder shrugged. "Come on, we'll miss our flight."
> "No, we won't," Scully said confidently. She arched an eyebrow at
>the narrator in challenge.
Tom : So, you could say that she was...
Mike: No! No!
Tom: ... *browbeat*!
Mike: Aargh...
> "Uh...uh, no, you won't. Bon voyage!"
> The narrator returned to Teletubbyland with relief.
>
> One day in Teletubbyland, the Teletubbies were waiting for Mulder
>and Scully to arrive. Tinky Winky was making Tubby Toast, Laa-Laa was
>tidying up, and Dipsy was looking out for their arrivals.
Tom : Po was out trying to score some crank.
> "Where Po?" Tinky Winky asked.
Mike: Have you tried Starbucks?
> "Where Po?" Laa-Laa asked.
Crow: How about the Gap? They just got some sweater vests in...
> "Where Po?" Dipsy asked.
Tom : You don't suppose that she's joined the cast of "Oh,
Calcutta!" do you?
> Behind them, Po walked in. "Eh-oh, Tinky Winky! Eh-oh, Dipsy!
>Eh-oh, Laa-Laa!"
Crow: [Po] Power to you, my chubby brethren!
> Tinky Winky, Dipsy and Laa-Laa turned around. "There Po!" they
>cried in unision. (The narrator wondered briefly if she should use the
>word 'unision' on a children's television show, but she figured if they
>could cope with 'Tinky Winky' they could cope with anything).
Crow: Why didn't they just use a saw?
[Mike *looks* at Crow.]
> They ran
>over and hugged Po.
Tom : Then they hugged Wlls, and then they hugged Vern.
> "Big hug!"
Mike: Yes. Yes it is.
> Teletubbies love each other very much.
Crow: Then why aren't there more of them?
> ("Pah!" the narrator said. Teletubbies can't read, and her
>20-month-old was asleep, so she could say what she liked).
> "Where Po?" Dipsy asked Po.
> Po had a vocabulary of perhaps twenty words, but she was able to
>convey with a variety of hand signals and sounds that she had been telling
>the rabbits in Teletubbyland not to panic if they heard the word 'Fox' in
>conversation.
Mike: It's a good thing the tubbies took that ASL class.
> "Oooooh!" said the Teletubbies. "Clever Po!"
Tom : How does Po know how to speak rabbit?
Crow: Well, Teletubbies love each other very much, so that's one
thing they have in common...
Tom : Well, that's-hey!
> (The narrator started to say something nasty, but thought better of
>it. She supposed a fabric-covered two year old who could dial America
>//was// pretty clever. She wondered with a chill whether //her// son could
>do that, and ran off to call the phone company).
Tom : So, she's going to casually call up the phone company and ask if
they've received any calls from her number to 1-800-BARNEYTOYS?
> Po spoke. "Oh, thank God she's gone.
Crow: [Po] Her aura was just, like, bumming me out!
> Now, how the hell are we
>gonna tell those FBI agents what's happening without her knowing?"
> Dipsy frowned. "We could set up a Scooby-Doo ending, where we
>corner her and make her confess."
Mike: Oh, so Mr. McGregor, the owner of the haunted amusement park,
was behind this whole thing?
Crow: Miiike, the story is riffing itself!
> Laa-Laa shook her head. "Nah, that idiot Mulder would go and
>confront her straight off. Isn't that what he always does with the bad
>guys? I mean didn't anyone ever teach him about not blowing his cover?
>Subtlety? Keeping hold of his gun?"
Crow: They covered that last one in health class.
Mike: Two words, Fox: Cold Showers.
> Tinky Winky chimed in, "Not mixing brown with green?
Tom : Damn. My fatigues are unfashionable!
> I mean, have
>you seen that guy's //ties//?" They turned to look at him, and he gave an
>embarrassed shrug. "Well?"
> "Well, considering you're purple with a triangle on your head and a
>red handbag, I don't see that //you// have room to talk," Po pointed out.
Mike: Apparently "Don't ask, don't tell" hasn't quite hit the BBC yet.
>"Shut up, you lot, she's coming back!"
> Tinky Winky bitched back, "This is all //your// fault! If you'd
>only dropped out of sight at the end of the eighties-"
Tom : Just like Bannanarama did?
> Po hissed, "Shut up!"
> The narrator settled down at her desk again to write. The
>Teletubbies were huddled together.
Crow: They were trying to figure out how to stop Terrell Davis.
> She frowned, and cleared her throat.
> Po jumped.
Crow: "T'ampoline!" said Po.
> "Big hug!" she said, too enthusiastically. "Big hug!"
Mike: [Po] Hug me! Hug me, dammit!
> Teletubbies love each other very much.
Tom : Not in public though. That's illegal in most states.
> The narrator groaned. "Yeah, all right, all right, knock it off.
>We have a case to solve. Where are all your favourite things?"
> "Where cooter?" Po asked, obediently.
Crow: Now go fetch, girl!
Mike: [Po] Arf! Ruff!
> "Where hat?" asked Dipsy plaintively.
Tom : Found it! Jamaraqui's wearing it right now.
> "Where ball?" Laa-Laa asked, doing a little spin and staring
>skywards, as though it might fall into her arms.
Tom : In other news, scientists today spotted an orange meteor,
falling towards Teletubbyland.
> "Where bag?" Tinky Winky whined.
> Just then, there was a loud knock at the door.
>
Mike: Hmm. Who can it be knocking at their door?
> Five minutes earlier, Mulder and Scully had walked into Teletubbyland.
> "Something's wrong," Mulder said in a deadly whisper. "It's quiet
>- too quiet.
All : [Sighing] *Too* , too quiet.
> I think it's a setup."
Tom : You know, whatever else you say about this author, she sure has
a handle on Mulder's character.
Mike: True.
> Scully rolled her eyes. "It's a peaceful clearing in the woods,
>Mulder."
> "It's too peaceful and the sun is too bright. The air is too
>clean. It's as though it's been - sanitised."
Crow: Oh, no! It's... THE SCRUBBING BUBBLES OF DOOM!
> Scully produced her sunglasses. They were gray-tinted and lightly
>frosted - she had had them made especially for Mulder. "Try these - you'll
>feel better."
> Mulder put them on, and a comforting gloomy haze descended.
>Everything was dark and spooky.
Crow: Ooh. Peril sensitive sunglasses.
> "You're right, Scully. I don't know what
>I was thinking." Scully wondered fleetingly whether Mulder himself was a
>vampire. He certainly couldn't cope with light, after all...and she didn't
>know where he slept, either. Could there be a coffin in his garage?
Tom : Shh! Don't disturb the material for a possible sequel!
> Dismissing these thoughts, she pointed to a low, wide hill.
>"Mulder, look!"
Mike: [Mulder] It's the missing copies of "Playing God"! [mumbling]
I thought that they'd all been burned...
> There was a strange, welded door built into the hill. Mulder ran
>towards it excitedly. "Look, Scully! It's an alien craft covered with
>grass!"
Mike: Wow! Now Scully can ignore her visual sighting of spacecraft
covered in grass *and* snow!
> Scully groaned. "Whatever you say, Mulder." She followed him,
>ready to rescue him from whatever scrape lay ahead of them. She drew her
>gun.
> The narrator intervened. "It's a G rated show!" she hissed. "Even
>if there's an alien in there, they won't be able to hurt you and get it
>past the censors! Put it away!"
Tom : Oh, Bill? You might want to pay attention to that last
sentence...
> Scully looked at Miss Omnipotent Writer mutinously, but complied.
> Mulder knocked on the door. "Open up! Federal Agents!"
> "Not in this jurisdiction," Scully said mildly.
>
Crow: Take *that*, plot contrivance!
> Po opened the door. "Eh-oh, Mud-her! Me Po!"
Tom : Julian Po, starring Christian Slater?
Crow: Wow!
> She threw her arms
>around him. "Big hug!"
> Teletubbies love sex symbols very much.
Crow: Oh, like O
+ ?
Mike: How did you... no, never mind.
> Laa-Laa stepped forward. "Eh-oh, Scu-ey! Me Laa-Laa!" She threw
>her arms around her. "Big hug!"
> Teletubbies love Greek goddesses very much.
Mike: Well, that explains why Persephone is over in the corner
reading a Cosmo, but why is Shiva in the broom closet?
> Scully gave the narrator a dirty look.
> Dipsy stepped forward. "Eh-oh, Mud-her! Me Dipsy!" He threw his
>arms around him. "Big hug!"
> Teletubbies love Tea Leoni very much, and this is the closest they
>can come to touching her.
> Mulder and Tea gave the narrator a dirty look.
Crow: So, what's the smile to dirty look ratio so far?
> Tinky Winky stepped forward. "Eh-oh, Scu-ey! Me Tinky Winky!" He
>threw his arms around her. "Big hug!"
> Teletubbies love midgets very much.
Tom : So does David Lynch. I'm not quite sure why.
> Scully bared her teeth at the narrator.
> The narrator was enjoying this immensely.
>
Crow: That's the good part of being an author... total power.
Mellie: True.
Jello: Yep.
Mike: I'm not going to ask.
> The Teletubbies bustled off, preparing Tubby Toast for their
>guests. Privately, the agents conferred.
Crow: They're offering Po $1.6 million to come back next season.
Tom : Any share of the profit?
Crow: .6% net.
Tom : Hrmph. If they don't change that to gross, then you take Po
right across the street to Disney. They'll pay her what she's
worth.
> "I couldn't see any zippers on those creatures, Scully," Mulder
>said quietly. Scully had just suggested they might be costumed humans.
All : Gasp!
Mike: Say it isn't so, Scully!
Tom : Of course, Scully did say the same thing about the aliens
in the film, the vampires, those cockroaches, Jose Chung...
> "Mulder, their so-called skins are made with commercially available
>synthetic fabrics! Their eyes appear to be of solid plastic and their
>noses have no obvious nasal membranes. Quite apart from the fact that they
>claim to be male and female but have no apparent sexual organs."
> Mulder had a sudden image of how a Teletubby might have sex and
>shuddered.
Crow: I'm guessing that slinkies, Toblerone and Ann Landers are
involved somehow.
> "G-rated show," the narrator reminded them.
Mike: Thankfully.
Tom : Hummina...
> "Well, Mulder," Scully continued, "this is not our jurisdiction.
>It seems to me that we should help them find their belongings as they've
>asked, and refer the rest of your speculations to the M15 for further
>investigation."
Mike: But they can't as that would totally derail the plot.
> Mulder shook his head. "Scully, I think this case is a ruse. I
>think they //want// to be investigated, or that someone wants us to
>investigate them - someone with control over this whole thing."
Crow: You mean Mike Ovitz?
> Scully gasped.
> Mulder gasped.
> "The //narrator//!"
Tom: What? Did she gasp too?
> The narrator shook her head.
Mike: Wait, I thought the Teletubbies narrator was a man.
Tom : Different person, I think.
> "'Fraid not, sweeties. I'm as in the
>dark as you. It was Po's idea to call you. You'll need to ask her.
>Personally, I think it's as simple as she says - they want their things
>back."
Tom : Oh, c'mon! It's the X-files! When is *anything* as it seems?
> Mulder thought quickly. "I know. We'll set up an ambush and see
>what's under that head of hers."
Mike: Probably a spine and some suddenly ruptured blood vessels.
> The narrator protested, "No - you can't do that - there are
>children who love these characters! You can't unmask them! It's-"
Tom : ...Monty Python's Flying Circus?
> Po walked in.
> Mulder lunged at her, sending her flying against the wall.
> Po said a word that you're not supposed to say on a G-rated show.
Crow: Antidisestablishmentarianism?
> Scully pulled off her head. It came with a soft, hollow 'pop!'
> (The narrator clarified here that Scully pulled off //Po's// head,
>not her own head).
Crow: [Sarcasticly] Oh, yeah, I see how you could get confused
about that.
> "I'll pull //your// head off in a minute, sweetie," Scully
>muttered. She turned to look at the woman whose head was sticking out of
>Po's body. She gasped with realisation.
Mike: Janet Reno?
> She and Mulder said the same, horrified word:
> "Toyah!"
>
[Silence]
Tom : Huh?
Mike: I think that's Australian for "skoal."
> Toyah Wilcox, that eighties pop sensation, nodded sheepishly.
Crow: Okay, we're still in the dark here. Who?
>"Yup," she said, "it's true."
> "Toyah Wilcox?" Mulder demanded. "Big orange hair, crap clothes?"
Tom : Come on! A song title! An album! Anything!
Mike: According to the 'net, she's appearing in "Jack and the
Beanstalk."
Crow: Oh, that's really helpful Mike.
Tom : Is that a TV show, a movie, or something performed by
Boulder's Dinner Theater?
Mike: I don't know.
> "G-rated show!" the narrator reminded. Scully gave her the finger.
> Toyah gave an embarrassed look. "Everyone had big hair and crap
>clothes in the eighties, Mulder. I saw Christmas Carol. Your Greek
>goddess here looked like a geek. And as for you in Unusual Suspects-"
> "Knock it off," Scully snapped.
Mike: Careful guys, it looks like that fourth wall's taking serious
structural damage here. It could go at any time.
> "What's going on?"
> Toyah sighed. "These are part of my entourage. Laa-Laa is my
>sister, Sally. Dipsy is her husband, Roy. Tinky Winky is my manager,
>Donnie. When the eighties were over, we were doing okay.
Crow: [Toyah] We'd invested in flannel, so we made out really
well when the grunge movement hit.
> We had some cash
>stashed, and we still did gigs at bars and clubs. It was fun. Our career
>was going down, but we did cover versions at our gigs and we were still
>popular. And we had a better reputation than Samantha Fox, of course."
> "Goes without saying," Scully snorted.
> "Then why did you have to say it?" Mulder asked, wounded. He liked
>Samantha Fox.
> Tea gave him a dirty look.
> Samantha Fox gave Tea and Toyah a dirty look.
Mike: All we need now is for the women from Total Coleco to show up,
and we'd have obscure girl band-o-rama going on right now.
> The narrator chucked both of them out. She wasn't going to pay
>them Equity rates for a day on set as an extra!
All : Waa, waa, waaaaa......
> Tea contacted her manager to discuss setting up a new comedy show,
>Tea and Toyah. Who cared if Miss Big Hair Crap Clothes had talent? The
>name would sell it, no problem.
Crow: She's right. It's already on UPN's fall schedule, just after
"Malcom and Eddie."
> Toyah continued. "Things were going swell. But then Miss
>Omnipotent Writer here came along." A tear fell down her cheek.
Mike: Cue the sad music...
Crow: Did Toyah write sad music? Come on! Throw us a bone here!
> "She said
>- she said people like us were the scourge of the late twentieth century.
Tom : They're lawyers?
>She said we were the people responsible for six earrings in one lobe, and
>shoulder pads, and racoon makeup, and blue hair, and frilled men's dress
>shirts.
Mike: So, Toyah's responsible for pirates then?
Crow: But I don't wanna be a pirate!
> I tried to explain about the seventies, and how we weren't raised
>to know any better, but she just - she wouldn't listen-" she broke down,
>weeping.
> The narrator stood up. "Oh, yeah, make me out to be the bad guy
>because I made you atone by providing a wholesome influence to a new
>generation.
Crow: In one story, they're wholesome. In others, they're porn stars.
Pick a description and stick with it!
> Right. I come along and you four are still polluting the
>world with your eighties crap in 1996! You people are //evil//, do you
>hear? Your civilisation could be so much more-"
Tom : I mean, look at this! The Carthaginians have automobiles now!
And you only control 8 of the wonders! You're never going to
get into the Hall of Fame at this rate!
> Mulder interrupted. "What did you say?" he asked cautiously. His
>hand was on his gun.
> The narrator fled.
> Scully turned to Toyah and her friends, each of whom had taken off
>their heads. "Did you build this house, or this - thing?" She pointed to a
>robot at their feet who was a cross between a dog and a vacuum cleaner.
Mike: Robo-Snuffleupagus arrived to lay down the law.
> Sally shook her head. "No, they were here when she brought us here."
> Mulder ran outside. There were lights overhead. He came back in.
Mike: So... why'd he run outside then?
Crow: Smoke break.
> "Run!" he shouted. "Get out, NOW!"
> Scully, showing incredible lack of sense, asked, "Mulder,
>what- why-"
Tom : [Scully] Who- when- where- how-!?
> "It's an alien craft, and the mother ship is here to take it home!
>Get out, all of you!"
> Toyah and Co. fled, and Scully did the same - mostly to get away
>from Robo-dog.
Crow: It'd be a tad crass to make a ref here about robo-dog and
Scully's leg, right?
Mike: Yep.
Crow: Just checking.
> And then the whole place exploded.
>
Tom : Chris Carter hastily decided that the next season actually took
place a year earlier.
> "Don't you see?" Mulder asked impatiently. "Miss Omnipotent Writer
>was really an alien being, sent to research the extent and limits of human
>potential on earth. When we caught her out, she blew up the evidence and
>left on the mothership."
Mike: Wow.
Tom : That's getting a bit out there.
Crow: [Mumbling] It's not as crazy as virus carrying bees, black goo,
Antarctic research stations, and FEMA.
> Scully sighed. "Mulder, don't you think it's more likely that she
>drove away after setting the explosion and that the lights overhead were
>M15 helicopters, alerted by Customs to our presence, wondering what we're
>doing in their jurisdiction?"
Tom : So, Teletubbyland is actually *in* England?
Mike: Yup. Didn't you see the episode of Doctor Who that was filmed
there?
Tom : Oh, right.
> "There's still one thing I don't understand," Mulder said, ignoring
>her. Logic was all very well, but you can have too much of a good thing.
>Scully could be such a drag sometimes.
Crow: Like, what-ever!
Mike: F'sure!
> "'One' thing?" Scully echoed. She waited for a nasty retort, then
>remembered the narrator was gone.
> "Where //were// all your favourite things?"
Tom : [Donnie] Some girl named Maria had 'em.
> Donnie spoke. "We burnt them." He shrugged. "Red was never my
>colour."
> Sally added, "And I was going to get a hernia bouncing that damn ball."
> Roy rejoined, "And that hat was more Sally's style than mine."
Mike: Although if he had just added a kicky scarf to that ensemble....
>They looked at Toyah expectantly.
> "Actually, I kinda liked that scooter. But they made me burn it."
> Scully frowned. "But why?"
Crow: To prove that it was a witch. Duh.
> "So we could call you in, of course."
> "What will you do?" she asked.
Mike: [Toyah] The BBC wants to keep the show on the air. They
said something about "Revenge for the Revolutionary War."
Tom : Moms of America! Put tinfoil in your kids' hats! NOW!
> Toyah shrugged. "Actually, I'm starting to like this stuff. I'm
>going to keep on being a Teletubby - but this time, for the right reasons."
Crow: [Toyah] I'm going to use this to kickstart my failing music
career!
> Donnie threw his arms around her. "Big hug!" he cried.
> Teletubbies love each other very much.
Tom : Especially after happy hour at the Teletubby Bar and Grill.
> Mulder and Scully said, "Pah!"
>
All : Pah!
> Mulder threw a friendly arm around Scully's shoulder. "You know,
>Scully, maybe there is benevolent life on other planets."
> "What do you mean?" she asked.
> He grinned. "Any lifeform that turns an eighties pop star into a
>children's icon can't be all bad."
Mike: Obviously, Mulder never saw the "Right Said Fred Hour."
> Scully laughed and put her arms around him. "Big hug!"
> Mulder crinkled his nose. "Pah!"
> Special Agents love each other very much.
Crow: Especially in 'shipper fics.
> And that's the end of the story.
>
Tom : o/~It's the ending... the ending... the ending...
the ending! o/~
>END
>
>
Tom: Doo doot, do doo doo doo...
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> I did not write this. This story was originally posted to the X-Files
> Fan Fiction mailing list. It was automatically posted to atxc
Crow: I didn't know Incan gods liked the X-files.
> by
> request of the author. Please send feedback to the author at the e-mail
> address in the message body. For more information about the mailing
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> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
Tom : Well, that's it. Let's go.
Crow: I wonder what Pearl has in store for us next. A Teletubbies/
Dawson's Creek story?
Mike: Probably a Teletubbies/The Magnificent Ambersons crossover.
Tom : Whatever. We still need to deal with the real thing...
[The trio exits.]