MiSTed-RE: Widebeam <crackle> to all <crackle> <crackle>

[Currie1501]

I lost track of the MiSTings. This may mean you won't have to hear my
obnoxious voice before the MiSTing. However, I may continue to do it,
just to spite you.
_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

(Opening)

(SoL. The Bots are in the foreground, leaning over cake pan.)

CROW(tense):C'mon, c'mon...
TOM(nervous): No! No! Stop him! Hurry!
CROW(tense): C'mon, almost there...Okay! Deploy!
TOM(hurried): Dang! Get to the silo! Hurry!

(Mike enters and notices them leaning over the pan.)

TOM(suddenly happy): Yeah! Yeah! Now squish the others!
MIKE: What are you two doing?
CROW(ignoring Mike): Scatter! Scatter! He's coming right at you!
TOM: Remember when you stopped off at that Electronics Boutique on
Magrathea?
MIKE: Yeah, I bought Command & Conquer to keep you guys out of my hair.
What did you do with it?
CROW(looking up from cake pan):We got bored with it.(back to cake pan)
MIKE: *What*? You're bored with it *already*? I blew fifty-four bucks on
a game for you and you're BORED with it?!
TOM: No, no! We love it! We're just bored with the regular version.(back
to cake pan) Move it! Use your rockets!
MIKE: Huh?
CROW: We had the nanites whip up a 3D terrain version with teeny-tiny
little soldiers and tanks and-Crud!
MIKE: What?
TOM: I just shot down his transport 'copter.
CROW: There's more where that came from, buddy!
TOM: I wonder if it's the place that my airstrike is hitting...right NOW!

(Everyone stares anxiously at the board.)

TOM:Or NOW!

(Still staring at the board.)

TOM: Or not.
CROW: Maybe the planes got lost.

(Mike scratches at his left ear and frowns.)

CROW: I think they're in the southwest corner. The rocks there look a lot
like the ones near my base.
MIKE: Feels like something's in my ear, like a bug or something.
TOM: They rely on sophisticated radar equipment! Besides, I told them
that it was next to the Texaco, not the Burger King.
MIKE: Anyone got a Q-Tip?
TOM: I know! I'll radio them and ask about the territory they're in.
MIKE: I know we have Q-Tips somewhere. I got some at the Bi-lo near
Frogstar B.
TOM(with cellphone attached to head): Shh! I'm on the phone with the
pilots.(Into cellphone)Hey guys! No, no need for panic. Just tell me
what the place you're at looks like. Okay. Dark? Curvy? Pinkish, you
say? It's waxy too? Hmmm...(to others)I think they're in Mike's ear, but
I'm not sure.(into cellphone)Guys? Turn your survival lanterns on. Okay.
All right. Got it. So, on one end is an opening, and the other end is a
dark empty void? Okay. (to others)Yeah, they're in Mike's ear.
MIKE: Great. People, will you hold on for a minute?(presses commercial
button)

(Paco. Paco! PACO. Pa-co. Paco? Hey, Paco! Where are ya? Huh?)

(Sol. Mike is lying his head on the table. There seems to be a small tan
matchbox with a red cross on it over his ear. Tom is "standing" behind
him, and Crow is in front of the counter.)

MIKE:This gonna take long?
TOM: You can't hurry search-and-rescue operations, Mike.
MIKE: But all you need to do is- OW! What was that stinging?
CROW: Just a tank and a flamethrower unit. Nothing real heavy.
MIKE: It's a war crime to fire on medical installations, Crow. It's in
the Geneva thingy.
CROW: Well, it's perfectly legal to go after mining sites!
TOM: You just wait until you're extracting something from Mike! I'll come
down on you like Bill Clinton on a McDonalds!
MIKE: No way. I claim total neutrality.
CROW: Sure. Nobody can do that for long. I bet you'll be accepting
stolen Nazi gold by tomorrow.
MIKE: Oh yeah? I'll have you know Dr. Forrester built this ship and
funded Deep 13 through stolen Nazi gold. He used it all up, too. There
ain't no more.

(Gypsy enters, carrying a bar of gold in her mouth.)

GYPSY: What's this? I found it in Mike's sock drawer.
CROW: What do you have to say for yourself now, Mike?
MIKE: Ha! This is stolen Communist gold.

(Mad light, or technically Van light flashes.)

MIKE: Great. The Dark Shadows are calling. (slaps button)

(Van)

PEARL: Hi, guys. I'm just drawing a blank on how to taunt you before the
post, so here it is. alt.devilbunnies has turned out a stinker for you
entitled Re: Widebeam <crackle> to all <crackle><crackle>. It features
various types of wildly improbable equipment.

(SoL. Mike is mysteriously better.)

MIKE: So, in that way it's like a Trek fanfic?

(Van)

PEARL: No, it doesn't completely defy all natural laws of physics.

(SoL)

CROW: I wonder what the <crackles> were.
MIKE: Maybe it'll add an air of mystery.
TOM: The only air a dumb post has is after a big Mexican dinner.

(Movie sign goes off.)

ALL:AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! WE GOT DEVILBUNNY SIGNNNNN!!!!

(6...5...4...3...2...1...Theater)

CROW(Indiana Jones): DevilBunnies...Why did it have to be DevilBunnies?

>Subject: Re: Widebeam <crackle> to all <crackle><crackle>

MIKE: Attention all crackles. United Airlines Chicago-Honolulu flight
departing now.

>From: Michael Heining <heiningm%ts....@mailbub.elan.ef.mil>
>Date:

TOM(solemnly):That shall live in infamy.

> Mon, 26 May 1997 09:16:14 -0700
>Message-ID: <3389B7...@mailbub.elan.ef.mil>
>
>In a Missile Silo in Colorado, a mass of pulseing light suspended in mid
>air,

CROW: Was having this wild party with tequila and strippers and
everything! YEEHA!

> connected to the internet through many disguised links,

MIKE: What does that mean? Were the URL's wearing little hats and dark
glasses?

>
recieves an
>unusual message multicast unencrypted.
>
>>
>> Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

TOM(falsetto):A bee's in here! Get the swatter!

>> ..................................................

CROW(announcer voice): Long ago, vast herds of periods roamed bad posts...

>> Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

MIKE:Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasp

>> ..................................................

TOM:It's a centipede crossing sign.

>>
>> <searching>
>>
>> Nanite Uplink Confirmed.
>> Gateway Opened.

CROW: I thought you closed the gate last night! Now the dog's gotten out!

>> CapeWarren Reroute?: Y

MIKE: That's the weirdest emoticon I've ever seen.

>> Widebeam? : Y
>> Apocalypse Encryption? : Idon'tknowI -

TOM:-forgotwhatencryptionisandalsohowtoworkthespacebar-

>>
>> No Encryption.

CROW:Is Good Encryption!

>>
>> Transmission Begins.
>>
>> <nervousfluff>

MIKE:<annoyedfluff>
TOM:<boredfluff>
CROW:<what'safluff?fluff>

>> Hello?

MIKE(singing):-darkness my old friennnnnd....

>> Can anybunny hear me?

CROW:No, you're just typing stuff out.

>> <injuredflinch>

TOM:We can hear her injury?

>> I think I'm lost. I'm in Oregon somewhere, but I'm too tired to keep

MIKE:My fat and annoying mouth shut.

>> moving. I've broken a leg and I'm real hungry.
>> <slowbreathing>

CROW(also <slowbreathing>):What are you wearing?
TOM(coy falsetto):Nothing. I'm just a bunny.
MIKE:You guys are *sick*.

>> I really need help soon.

CROW(panicky): I shot a man to death, and I think I'll do it again!

>> I've got about a
week probably, before I need
>> to dig a tunnel <queasyfluffle>.

TOM:My feelings exactly.

> I'm
frightened.
>> <slowbreathing>
>> She's all gone to sleep now, 'cause she has to work out what she is.

MIKE: What?
CROW: She could've sworn she was liberal a minute ago, but she's drifting
toward the middle...

>> It's hurting in her head. And my body.
>> I'm worried about the kits.

TOM:Especially the model clipper ship.

>> <protectivehughold>

MIKE: If someone protectively hugholds you on Usenet, does it make a
sound?
TOM: Huh?
MIKE: Well there was a joke in there *somewhere*.

>> Is there anybunny out there who can help? She told me somebun would if
>> I asked long enough, but I don't know much about the nan-nanin...nante?
>> stuff she has. Neither does she. <furtivelook>

CROW: In cyberspace, no one can hear you give furtive looks. Or at least
they shouldn't be able to.

>> <wincelop>
>> I really need help. I'm really big now,

MIKE: No Crow, you can't say anything.

>>
and I can't move as fast as I
>> used to. And my paw hurts. I can feel the kits.
>> <timidruffle>

TOM: I didn't know potato chips could be timid.

>> Is anybunny out there?
>> <lonelypoof>

CROW(as anonymous bunny): Watch! I can light my <poof>!
TOM: That's probably why he's lonely.

>> Ple...ase?

MIKE: Ch...eck my spe...lli...ng.

>> We're hungry.

TOM: Oh, how sad.
CROW(choked-up): Why do DevilBunny posts always make me cry?
MIKE: Don't worry. It'll get better.

>> There's no Spam
or Snapple here.

MIKE: See? It's looking up already.

>>
There's no
>> warrens.

CROW(as anonymous bunny): No Warren Christopher, no Warren Burger, no
nothing!

>> If we don't get help soon we'll be in big
trouble 'cause my

TOM: Prostate is swollen up like a Macy's Parade balloon.

>> paw's too hurt to dig properly.
>> <resolutefluff>
>> I *gotta* have a safe place to have my kits!
>> <pause>
>> Is anybunny out there?
>>
>> Transmission Ends.

MIKE:Someone shifted without the clutch and stripped the gears.

>> Packet completed.
>> Author: Silverblu

MIKE(singing): Silverblu...
TOM(singing): Silverblu...

>> Origin: Oregon <see map attatchment>.

CROW: No, this is a text-only post.

>>
>
>

TOM: It's over.
MIKE: C'mon, let's-

>the computer knew that this was a call for help,
ALL: D'OH!
TOM: A sad, frightened call for help.
CROW: Apparently, all computers are liscensed psychiatrists.

>
but didnt know anybun
>it could contact... Its computations lasted nearly a second, an eternity
>in its time.

MIKE: After a few more seconds, it decided on retirement.

> Then it came to a conclusion. The printer in the
next room
>began to print.

CROW: Which was odd, because the next room was the janitor's closet, and
the printer had no paper or power.
TOM: It must be possessed!

> A servo retrieved the page and moved
toward the
>elevator.

TOM: Hey! I'll sue you for libel!

> Above the ground, Station Omega was watching the home
of
>Michael Wizard. The Mil-inteligence Bunnies were busy playing checkers.
>The place had turned into a boreing duty station ever since Wizard had
>been captured.

CROW: By who?
MIKE: Well, it wasn't the Mil-inteligence Bunnies. They were playing
checkers.
TOM: If someone else captured that guy, they weren't watching very well,
were they?
MIKE: Few people realize the intense concentration required by checkers.

> Then the door to the block house opened
and a mechanical
>contraption came rolling out, an arm holding a page of paper.

CROW:Robo-Thing!

>
It rolled
>out about 50 feet toward the bush that omega station was supposed to
>hidden in.

TOM: However, Omega Station had been relocated to the Bahamas by request
of it's personnel.

> The servo placed the page in the ground and
placed a near by
>rock on it. the serco then turned around and returned to the block
>house. The bunnies were stuned.

CROW: And shoked.

>
But that wasnt the end. the Satalite
>and the gattling gun slaved to it made an unprecidented move, away form
>station omega, pointed in another direction.

MIKE:Wha-huh?

>
>the bun in charge didnt need a can of spam to land on her,

CROW:But for some reason, it did.

>
who ever that
>was in charge of the place knew they were there and wanted them to have
>this message.

TOM: That's clear proof of cruelty to animals.

> She hopped out and grabbed the message in
her teeth,
>hoping back, being nobuns fool.

MIKE:That's an odd name. Is it Japanese?
TOM: I think it's Polynesian.

>
>After getting safely back under cover,

CROW: With her friend, Bill Kennedy.
MIKE:CROW!

>
she read the message, her eyes
>getting bigger.

CROW: I wish *I* could do that.
TOM: I wish *I* had eyes.

> she passed it over to the comm bun.

TOM: Who relayed the information to the cinnamon bun.
MIKE: That was too easy.

>
Better send this out
>to Bun search and rescue...

CROW:They'll start a bunhunt, using every bun available.

> Meanwhile
Id better send a report out about
>this whole situation...

TOM: But id's just a computer game producer!
MIKE(as Bones): Dammit, Jim, I'm a software company, not some
walkie-talkie!

> Evedently who ever is in
there knows we are
>here.

CROW: You cannot escape the IRS.

>

MIKE: It's over.
TOM: See, Crow? I told you there was a God.
CROW: After John_-_Winston I had my doubts.

(1...2...3...4...5...6...Bridge)

(Everyone is gathered on the bridge.)

CROW:Well, that was sure up to the DevilBunny standard.
TOM: Yeah, bad writing and impossible technology. Come to think of it,
that's the Trek standard too.
MIKE: Guys, guys. They're not all bad. Pearl just gives us the scum of
the pond.
CROW: Yeah, well, it's a pretty algae-thick pond.
MIKE: Actually, I visited their website.
TOM: What?! You traitor!
MIKE: No, no, no! It's actually a rather creative thing. And you're not
supposed to have all the nanites and stuff.
CROW: You mean, that story was an aberration? A freak? A stunted mutant,
cursed by it's creators?
MIKE:Well...not exactly.
TOM:How so?
MIKE: I guess having nanites is cooler than having a real storyline.
CROW: It's what we depended on for the opening skit.
TOM: Yeah, and they're becoming more involved in the shows.
MIKE: Not to mention that some of the old MiSTies have dropped their
loyalty and cursed the new season, citing lousier skits and jokes as their
reasons.
CROW: Could it be possible that we're following the same deadly path as
the DevilBunnies?

(Longish pause.)

ALL: NAH!
MIKE(brightly): Hey, I just thought of something we can do with the
Nanites!
BOTS: YAAY! Let's have fun with the nanites!

(Fade out.)

____________________LEGALITIES___________________________
MST3K is legal property of BBI Inc. All characters are legal.
DevilBunnies is actually pretty cool if you warm up to it.

[Wintermute]

Do you do this often?
I enjoyed that almost as much as the show itself!