[MST] [PG] [AD] Chain and Rechain [1/3]
Natalie Welch
It's time for Mystery Email Theater 3000!!!!
Continuity: Standard late SciFi Channel -- Mike, Castle Forrester, et
cetera.
Rating: PG
Send comments and critiques to nwe...@greenapple.com. This is my
first MiSTing . . . in a while. I did one back in college, around '95
or so, but it's been lost to the ether, and is not in either my
archives nor WS#9.
More details, disclaimers, et cetera, are at the end.
Grab some popcorn, and enjoy the reading!!
[SoL. All three robots are on the bridge. The guys are squabbling.]
TOM: I'm sick and tired of you!
CROW: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm sick and tired of all your clones running
around this ship!
TOM: Your singing in the shower sounds horrible! I'd rather wash
Pavarotti's back than listen to that one more time!
CROW: Oh, like *that* was possible.
[Tom lunges at Crow. They scuffle.]
GYPSY: Guys, ever thought that *I* have desires?
BOTS: [Pause long enough to say in unison] NO! [They resume.]
GYPSY: Maybe *I* want to get away from *you!!* [Groans in
frustration.]
[Mike steps just into view in front of Cambot.]
MIKE: [Softly over general bot squabbling. Hi. Welcome to Mystery
Email Theater 3000. This all started why Gypsy accessed the
specs for the SoL. It turns out that there was a second escape
pod hidden in the cargo bay. But it only seats one, and
everybody wants to get away from each other. I think I have a
way to solve this problem.
[Commercial sign.]
MIKE: We'll be right back. [Reaches over and taps commercial sign
light.]
COMMERCIAL:
Confessions presents: "Inshallah: Songs of the Muslim World." This
two-volume set gives you songs ranging from the Taliban classics
--- "Jihad Now!" and
--- "Why Are You Still Listening to This?"
to the feel-good classic
--- "Sunni Day."
Act now and we'll throw in The Artist Formerly Known as Cat Stevens,
aka Yusuf Islam, in a bonus CD:
--- Sing along to the classic anti-jihad protest classic,
"Blowin' in the Sand Storm."
--- Thrill to his cover of Christian artist Michael W. Smith's
nearly-ecumenical hit "Friends"!!!!
--- Weep at his response to the Rodney King beating and
aftermath, "Can't We All Just Get Along?"
But wait, there's more! Tell the operator that Mohammed is your
favorite prophet and get a CD of breakthrough Muslim rapper Mo' Hamm
Ed M, featuring
--- "Farrakhan This!" and
--- "Brotha's Bow Tie On Too Tight."
--- And feel your heart warm when you hear him rap with Christian
rappers DC Talk on "Props 2 Da Prophetz"!!
That's a four-voulme set for only $19.99!! Call within the next
twenty minutes and we'll throw in a beautifully-bound copy of the
Koran FREE!! Call the number at the bottom of your screen NOW!!!
[We're back. The SoL is darkened, lit only by simulated tiki torches
behind and a simulated council fire on the desk. All are packed and
ready to go. Guess why.]
MAGIC VOICE: Welcome back to "Who Wants to Leave the SoL?"!!
CROW: I do!!
TOM: Hush!
MAGIC VOICE: It's time to vote on who's to leave. Each of you will
go one at a time and show your vote to Cambot and explain why you
chose that person. And remember, you can't vote for yourself.
[Groans of disappointment all around.] Tom, you're first.
[Cambot moves to focus on the desk from an angle. Tom brings a folded
piece of paper in his beak. He drops it into the the pot on the
floor.]
TOM: There.
[Cambot peeks in. We see enough of the vote to discern that Tom voted
for Crow.]
TOM: Yeah, I voted for Crow. He can't sing worth a lick. And all
his sexual innuendoes. [Shudders.] The sooner he's off, the
better it will be for us. [Leaves.]
MAGIC VOICE: Crow, you're up.
[Crow comes over, shows his vote -- "Tom" -- and drops it in.]
CROW: I want Tom off the SoL. He nitpicks my grammar too much. He
doesn't lift a finger to help -- because he can't! He's *such* a
liability. And he has all those annoying dec-- er, clones --
running around. I want him and his spare bodies off! [Leaves.]
MAGIC VOICE: Mike, you're next.
[Mike comes and shows his vote: "Gypsy." He drops it in.]
MIKE: I voted for Gypsy because she's sweet and I feel she deserves
to go and see the world. [Leaves.]
MAGIC VOICE: And Gypsy, last but not least.
[Gypsy approaches ans shows her vote: "Mike." She drops it in.]
GYPSY: I voted for Mike because he's sweet and he won't last as long
as us robots up here. We can deactivate; he can't. [Leaves.]
[Cambot returns to standard view of the desk.]
MIKE: So, Magic Voice, who gets to leave?
CROW: Yeah, who?
TOM: Please let it be Crow!
CROW: Good, 'cause then I'll be away from *you*!
[They begin to scuffle, but Mike separates them.]
MIKE: [Straining against the angry lunges of the bots.] Come on,
Magic Voice, tell us!
MAGIC VOICE: Um . . . how can I say this . . .
TOM: It's Gypsy, isn't it?
CROW: No, it's Magic Voice!
MAGIC VOICE: No -- and how I wish I *can* leave -- but . . .
[Mads' sign flashes.]
MAGIC VOICE: [With relief in her voice.] Castle F is calling.
MIKE: [As he reaches for the mads' light.] Come on, Magic Voice,
tell us!
[Castle F. Pearl is at the computer.]
PEARL: [Looks up.] Oh, hi, Nerdson. I was going through Clayton's
things the other day and found some old log files of things he
did to the SoL. As much as I would like to see one of you go --
it would mean more pain for the losers -- I'm afraid Clay
jettisoned the second and only other escape pod right after Joel
escaped.
[SoL. Dissappointment all around.]
MIKE: But what about the shuttle that brought me up here?
[Castle F.]
PEARL: Took Clay back to earth after he dropped you off. Later sold
for scrap. SORR-EEE!! Mwha ha ha!!
[SoL.]
MIKE: Man, I was hoping to leave.
BOTS: [Unison, pointing at each other.] I hoped *he'd* leave!!
[Castle F.]
PEARL: Too bad. Say, Nelsbutt, I have a favor to ask of you.
[SoL.]
MIKE: Oh, ma'am?
BOTS: [Unison.] Suck-up.
[Castle F.]
PEARL: I hate spam as much as the next gal, and today, I got spammed
by three messages. I want you and your robot pals to work your
magic on them.
[SoL.]
MIKE: Um . . .
TOM: Don't do it, Mike!
[Castle F.]
PEARL: [Flirtatious.] Come on, Mikey, do it for Pearlsy-wearlsy. I
promise to go easy on you for a few days if you do-oooo. [Bats
eyelashes.]
[SoL. Crow is panting.]
MIKE: Ummm . . .
CROW: [Breathless.] Ohhh, Peeeaaarrll . . .
TOM: No! Don't do it! She's evil, I tell you!! Ee-villl!!
[Castle F.]
PEARL: Do it for Pearl, huh, Mikey?
[Bobo and the Observer walk behind Pearl, talking. Bobo has a bunch
of bananas; Observer has a paper.]
BOBO: So the Lawgiver can help me multiply this bunch of bananas into
a *million* of them?
OBS: Oh, yes. And all you have to do is send one of those bananas to
these five addresses, then send this note to as many chum-- er,
chimps -- as you can. Then the bananas will roll in!
BOBO: Oo-oo! Great! I'll go do it right now! [Leaves.]
PEARL: [Turning on Observer.] Gee, thanks, Brain Guy! You blew my
cover! [Faces the camera.] Alright, Nelson. The *real* reason
I want you to ridicule my spam is because I wish I has thought of
these schemes myself. Right now, the market is saturated to the
gills, so either I have to find another market, like Bobo's
ancestors, or contrive a way to kill it so I can pounce on an
amnesiac market of suckers in ten years' time! And I've enlisted
you and your bots as hitmen! NOW MIST THESE EMAIL!!!! BRAIN
GUY, SEND THE MAIL!!!
OBS: Um, ma'am, it's email. The Satellite of Love has Internet
access. Just forward it. You don't need me.
PEARL: YES, I DO!!! I NEED SOMEONE TO YELL AT!! NOW SEND THE
MAIL!!!
OBS: Yes, ma'am. [He uses his mind powers to send the spam-mail.]
[SoL. General chaos.]
ALL: WE GOT EMAIL SIGN!!!!
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1]
[The theater. They enter.]
MIKE: I really gotta get a firewall program for our broadband
connection.
TOM: Gee, I guess we'll never know who was voted off the SoL, will
we?
MIKE: Nah, I'll just review Cambot's tapes after this is over.
> From: <johns...@pchome.com.tw>
CROW: ".tw"? Oh, boy. Foreign spam.
> Sent: Monday, January 15, 2001
MIKE: [Singing "2001" theme, Also Spake Zarathustra] Ba, da, DA DAAA
. . .
> 11:53 AM
> Subject: 看1/4s告有收入耶
TOM: What the??
>
>
> 嗨，朋友：
TOM: I reiterate: What the??
>
>
> 這是一個利用螢幕功能列來計算看1/4s告的次1/4瑭纀腹A
>
> 累積的次1/4悒\能列中可以�/2接連上網路看你目前的累計值accout，
CROW: Tonight on Asian Market Report . . .
>
>
(c)珣o每月*|由(c)狾�|員總點1/4h分配1/4s告商提供的1/4s告費當作你這個
月的
TOM: That's it!!! It's gotta be some sort of character encoding.
And with this much gobbleygook, it has to be Asian.
>
收入，(c)堈V多下1/2u你的累計次1/4N1/4W加快速，你(c)畛瑪]就越多，
CROW: So translate for us, oh language god.
>
>
這個功能列並不*|1/4v響你執行應用程式的(r)觸v，如果你用的連1/2u工具不是
TOM: I can't. Joel didn't program me with any other language
capabilities besides English.
> 1/4�/4�/4驉A則建議你不仿試試，可以1/4W加收入(c)M1/4皉茪ㄛ�c)O？
MIKE: In that case. I'm going to sleep. [He curls up on the chair.]
>
>
此賺錢方式對(c)顗�r)伅○s1/2u的ADSL使用者最佳，註冊之後登錄*|員區(r)�需
> 要下載這個desktopdollars 的Toolbar安裝在你的電腦，開3/4鱈廗|詢問你
CROW: Suddenly I get the feeling we're being spammed.
>
是否login，*穔Mlogin後你才可以累計你的點1/4�/4W加收入，它每隔一段(r)�
TOM: I'd have to agree with you, buddy.
> 間*|詢問要不要繼續看1/4s告，再進入它又*|在累積你的點1/4A跳出後就沒
> 有再記錄了。
BOTS: [Sigh.]
>
>
>
有興1/2鴘�/2衎鬗U列超連結進入註冊：(之後再Download功能列程式安裝即可
> 開(c)l賺錢)
>
> http://www.DesktopDollars.com/gateway_click.asp?id=singleshm
TOM: Ah HA!!! A URL. Now we're getting somewhere.
MIKE: [Wakes up, startled.] What? What?
TOM: Checking . . . Ah. This "Desktop Dollars" is an ad-filled we-
pay-you browser with bonuses if you refer someone who ultimately
signs on, too. They do have an anti-spam policy.
CROW: Which doesn't help us, though.
>
> 你可以用它裡面的E-mail方式聯絡推薦下1/2u。
>
> 如有重1/2H送1/2衪�/2怴A謝謝
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
CROW: I hope that's over.
TOM: Yeah. At least with the other drek Pearl foists upon us, there
are actual words that occasionaly make sense.
CROW: But only occasionally.
MIKE: You know, that Asian-character encoding inspired me.
[He launches himself out of his chair and proceeds to attack the
theater screen with a flurry of scissor kicks, hand chops, jumping
kicks, and any other martial arts moves you care to imagine. It looks
very cool in Shadowrama.]
[Mike actually succeeds in bringing down the screen. The bots join
him in stomping the screen.]
BOTS: Yay!!!
TOM: No more Marrissa-groupie fanfics!!
CROW: Fanfics in email? *Marrissa* fanfics? Erk. [Shudder.]
[Suddenly, over the intercom, Pearl's voice breaks in.]
PEARL: Hah!! Good thing I just found this, Nelson. See, Clayton
thought one of you guinea pigs would try something like that.
You've heard of the silver screen, right? Well, here's the
Titanium Screen!!!
[With the soft whirr of machinery, a new screen falls into place.
Mike tries to attack it with a chop, connects, and recoils in pain.]
MIKE: [Through the pain.] We'd better leave, guys.
CROW: Boy, that was a short "short" segment.
COMMERCIALS:
1. Ever wonder what happened to those souls you don't see on PAX TV's
"Twice in a Lifetime," the ones who failed to save themselves?
Watch as Judge Othniel gives them a third chance in "Thrice in a
Lifetime"!
2. Introducing Dropound, the amazing new weight-loss drug . . . that
isn't for those with heart disease, high chloresterol, diabetes,
high blood pressure, stretch marks, or any other major
complication of obesity.
3. Coming soon to a theater near you! "A-Team: The Movie"!! This
time, their violence spills actual blood!! And that ain't
"Fool!!" that Mr. T. is saying!
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6]
[We're back. Mike and the bots are at the bridge. Mike is in a
firefighter's dress uniform that looks like said firefighter was
wearing it when they fought their last fire. The nanoscope is out.]
MIKE: [Fire Marshal Bill] Prepare the nanoscope, boys, [Carrey
spasm] I'm going in!
MAGIC VOICE: Time's up, Mike.
MIKE: [Still FM Bill] What? You can't . . . [Carrey spasm] be
serious?
MAGIC VOICE: I am.
MIKE: [Breaking character] But I had a firewall gag all written out
and everything! Why isn't there time?
MAGIC VOICE: Outtakes.
ALL: Ohhh.
TOM: You *did* take two months to get the choreography right.
[OUTTAKE: Mike is whirling, jumping . . . and falls flat on his face.
Chuckles and notes of concern from the bots as Mike reaches up to give
the thumbs-up sign.]
[OUTTAKE: Mike whirls and falls over the theater seats. He's slow in
getting up this time. The bots go over in concern. Jump cut to a few
moments later. The bots are now making like medics around Mike.
Gypsy is in the theater with a nurse's hat on her head, also attending
to Mike.]
[OUTTAKE: Mike can't take down the screen. He gets frustrated. The
bots help him, but even together they can't bring it down.]
[OUTTAKE: Mike brings down the screen, but falls with it. The bots
sigh in frustration.]
[We return to the bridge. The bots are laughing while Mike winces in
embarrassment.]
MIKE: [Groans.] Ohh . . . *That* was the only reason you guys asked
me to do a "Fire Marshal Bill and the Firewall Progam" skit. To
have an excuse to show outtakes of my Jackie Chan impression.
CROW: Right you are, Mikey!
TOM: But don't feel bad. Outtakes *are* part of a Jackie Chan
impression.
[Email sign.]
MIKE: Ah, good. WE GOT EMAIL SIGN!!!!
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1]
[Theater.]
MIKE: But if the rest of the host segments are also longer than the
mail that preceded them, this is going to be a loooong
experiment.
TOM: Don't think about it, Mike.
> From: "Belfeuille"
CROW: Is that anywhere near "Beaulieu"?
MIKE: "Beaulieu"??? Where'd *that* come from?
CROW: I dunno. A past life, maybe?
> <mar...@hotmail.com>
> To: <nike...@aol.commMISERY>
TOM: We're in dot-commMISERY right now.
> Sent: Wednesday, February 14, 2001 4:55 PM
MIKE: Aw, how sweet. A valentine from Pearl.
> Subject: $$$$$ From your home
ALL: CHAIN MAIL ALERT!!!
> USING THE POWER OF INTERNET, READ THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE
> CAREFULLY
CROW: [He-Man.] BY THE POWER OF NETSKULL . . .
TOM: Watch out for the evil MicroSkeletor. He wants to dominate
Interneternia.
>
> AS SEEN ON NATIONAL TV :
MIKE: Sixteen people make fools of themselves "surviving"
"challenges" in the "Outback."
>
> 'Making over half million dollars every 4 to 5
CROW: . . . minutes is easy with the new ConCo Engraving System!
> months from
> our home for an investment of only $25 U.S. or CANADIAN
> dollars expense one time''
TOM: Ah, but $25 Canadian = $15 US dollars, so you get only $300K for
your trouble.
> THANKS TO THE COMPUTER AGE AND
> THE INTERNET!
MIKE: [Sarcastic.] Yeah, *thanks* Internet!
> =================================================
CROW: The highway was under construction at the time of this mailing.
>
> BE A MILLIONAIRE LIKE OTHERS WITHIN A YEAR!!!
TOM: Win on "That Millionaire Show!" Japanese version!
CROW: [Bad Japanese dub.] You can win 30,000,000,000,000 yen if you
can answer this question: Who is really neat: A. Gamera. B.
Godzilla. C. Godzuki. D. Gojira.
MIKE: [Ditto.] Kenji-san, I'll have to phone a friend. [Makes phone
noises.]
TOM: [Ditto.] Yes, Tetsuro-san? The answer is E: A turtle!
MIKE: [Ditto.] Kenji-san, I'll have to go with . . . E.
CROW: [Ditto.] Is that your Ulitmate Blue Gorgeous Final Answer?
MIKE: [Ditto.] No, I'll go with A: Gamera. Ulitmate Blue Gorgeous
Final Answer.
CROW: [Ditto.] Well, that's too bad, because . . . you just won
30,000,000,000,000 yen!
>
> Before you say ''Bull'',
[Immediately, Mike reaches over and holds Crow's mouth shut.]
MIKE: . . . Market. [Releases Crow.]
CROW: I was going to say that, Mike.
MIKE: Sure you were.
> please read the following.
TOM: [Little kid voice.] Aw, do we have to?
> This is
> the letter you have been hearing about on the news lately.
MIKE: Of course, "lately" for this email equals five years ago.
CROW: At least.
> Due to the popularity of this letter on the internet,
TOM: Mucho bandwidth is wasted.
CROW: Fools and their money are parted.
MIKE: Friends are alienated.
> a
> national weekly news program recently devoted an entire show
> to the investigation of this program described below, to see
> if it really can make people money.
TOM: Back then, "60 Minutes" sent Harry Reasoner.
CROW: "20/20" sent Geraldo.
MIKE: And "Dateline" hadn't even been created yet.
>
> The show also investigated whether or not the program was
MIKE: Crap.
TOM: Horsepatooie.
CROW: BS.
> legal. Their findings proved once and for all that there are
CROW: Suckers still being born every minute.
> ''absolutely NO laws prohibiting the participation in the
> program
TOM: *No* laws? That can't be right.
MIKE: Yeah. If this is what I think it is, at the very least, laws
of geometric progression will prevent successfully completing the
program.
> and if people can follow the simple instructions,
> they are bound to make some mega bucks with only $25 out of
> pocket cost''.
CROW: Buy a $20 stock. Hold forever. Let it split and split again.
>
> DUE TO THE RECENT INCREASE OF POPULARITY & RESPECT THIS
> PROGRAM HAS ATTAINED,
TOM: Popularity, I can believe. *Respect*, on the other hand . . .
> IT IS CURRENTLY WORKING BETTER THAN
> EVER.
MIKE: For about one nanosecond, then it dissolved into nothingness.
CROW: So we're reading a bunch of nothingness?
TOM: We read, therefore this message exists?
>
> This is what one had to say: ''Thanks
CROW: [Sally Field.] You like me. You *really* like me!!
> to this profitable
> opportunity. I was approached many times before
CROW: By guys, but they just don't seem to get that I'm a lesbian.
> but each
> time I passed on it. I am so glad I finally joined just to
> see what one could expect
MIKE: Very little. Sad, really.
> in return for the minimal effort
> and money required. To my astonishment,
TOM: I was arrested. Why? WHY?????
> I received total $
> 610,470.00 in 21 weeks, with money still coming in''. Pam
> Hedland, Fort Lee, New Jersey.
CROW: How ironic that an ex-staffer of "Steals and Deals" should fall
prey to one of these pyramid scheme chain letters.
MIKE: "Fall prey"? Sounds like she's been able to make it work for
her.
TOM: Yeah, that's $170 per hour, if this is to be believed, WHICH I
DON'T!!!
> --------------------------------------------------------
TOM: No passing on the dotted line. Uh, wait . . .
>
> ****PRINT THIS NOW FOR YOUR FUTURE REFERENCE****
MIKE: Right now, a thousand computer cops are printing this out to
facilitate the prosecution of this spammer.
CROW: We can only hope.
>
> $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
TOM: Apparently there are 55 dollars in hidden costs for this
message.
>
> If you would like to make at least $500,000 every 4 to 5
CROW: Years in the slammer.
> months easily and comfortably, please read the
> following...THEN READ IT AGAIN and AGAIN!!!
MIKE: Why do we tell to read this AGAIN and AGAIN? Because, if you
fall for this, you're a moron!
>
> $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
TOM: And another 55 dollars in hidden costs
>
> FOLLOW THE SIMPLE INSTRUCTION BELOW AND YOUR FINANCIAL
> DREAMS WILL COME TRUE, GUARANTEED!
>
> INSTRUCTIONS:
MIKE: Find a mysterious mailcat that delivers tomorrow's newspaper
today. Buy a lottery ticket using the winning numbers of a very
large jackpot that wasn't won in the orginal timeline. Enjoy.
Sincerely, Chuck Fishman.
>
> ****Order all 5 reports shown on the list below.
MIKE: Report #1: The Latest Email Addresses. Ripe for the picking!
CROW: Report #2: The Suckers List. All the greedy, gullible people
you could ever hope to spam!
TOM: Report #3: The Decliners. All those who have previously passed
on this program in the past, and now maybe have changed their
minds!
MIKE: Report #4: The Not-on-Your-Lifers. We've tried and tried to
make these bite, but they refuse. Maybe you can get a few with
*your* version of this program.
CROW: Report #5: The Computer Cops. Avoid these known addresses at
all costs!
>
> ****For each report, send $5 CASH, THE NAME & NUMBER OF THE
> REPORT YOU ARE ORDERING and YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS to the
> person whose name appears ON THAT LIST next to the report.
MIKE: The account numbers, expiration dates, and the names under
which you have registered all your credit cards would be nice,
too.
> MAKE SURE YOUR RETURN ADDRESS IS ON YOUR ENVELOPE TOP LEFT
> CORNER in case of any mail problems.
TOM: After all, the Postal Service would love to know exactly who to
prosecute for perpetuation of this scamming spam.
>
> ****When you place your order, make sure you order each of
> the 5 reports.You will need all 5 reports so that you can
> save them on your computer and resell them.
CROW: To fellow gullibles like yourself.
TOM: Since when is "gullible" a noun?
> YOUR TOTAL COST
> $5 X 5 = $25.00.
MIKE: [Sings.] Inchworm, inchworm . . .
BOTS: [Singsong chant.] 5 times 5 is 25 . . . 6 times 6 is 36 . . .
>
> ****Within a few days you will receive, vie e-mail,
TOM: Snail mail and email vie for supremacy! Who will win? Tune in
next time for Media Deathmatch!
> each of
> the 5 reports from these 5 different individuals. Save them
> on your computer so they will be accessible for you to send
> to the 1,000's of
MIKE: Cops.
> people who will order them from you. Also
> make a floppy of these reports and keep it on your desk in
> case something happen to your computer.
TOM: Like, oh, say, it got seized in a federal raid.
>
> ****IMPORTANT __ DO NOT alter the names of the people who
> are listed next to each report, or their sequence on the
> list, in any way other than what is instructed below in step
> '' 1 through 6 ''
CROW: The Steps of Fate.
MIKE: Huh?
CROW: Nevermind.
> or you will loose out on majority of your
> profits.
TOM: Great, this was written by a foreigner.
MIKE: [Boris Badenov.] Ah, Natasha, ve vill make stupid moose hand
over all his moolah!
> Once you understand the way this works, you will
TOM: Immediately hand a copy to your nearest postal inspector.
> also see how it does not work if you change it.
>
> Remember, this method has been tested, and if you alter, it
> will NOT work!!!
MIKE: Altered states?
CROW: Um, sorry, Mr. Regressed Ape-Man, but this check is for one
Eddie Jessup.
> People have tried to put their
> friends/relatives names on all five thinking they could get
> all the money. But it does not work this way.
TOM: Perhaps that's because all five addresses were from the same
state. Get some far-flung friends next time!
> Believe us, we
> all have tried to be greedy and then nothing happened.
MIKE: Which is a good description of what will happen if you fall for
this chain letter scam spam.
> So Do
> Not try to change anything other than what is instructed.
> Because if you do, it will not work for you.
CROW: And more importantly, us.
> Remember,
> honesty reaps the reward!!!
TOM: Of course, if *we* were being honest, we'd be telling you that
these reports are useless pieces of info or that you could get
them elsewhere for far less trouble.
>
> 1....After you have ordered all 5 reports, take this
> advertisement and
CROW: Rip it to shreds.
> REMOVE the name & address of the person in
> REPORT #5. This person has made it through the cycle
TOM: The *rinse* cycle.
> and is
> no doubt counting their fortune.
MIKE: In jail.
>
> 2....Move the name & address in REPORT #4 down TO REPORT #
> 5.
CROW: [Sings.] Movin' on up, footloose and fancy free . . .
>
> 3....Move the name & address in REPORT #3 down TO REPORT #
TOM: [Sings.] We're movin' on up, to the East Side-hide!!
>
> 4....Move the name & address in REPORT #2 down TO REPORT #
MIKE: [Sings.] Movin' movin' movin', get your dogies movin',
Rawhide!
>
> 5....Move the name & address in REPORT #1 down TO REPORT #2
CROW: [Sings.] Get your body movin', body movin'
>
> 6....Insert YOUR name & address in the REPORT #1 Position.
MIKE: Or, for a joke, insert the name and address of your friendly
neighborhood police officer.
>
> PLEASE MAKE SURE you copy every name & address ACCURATELY!
TOM: Better yet, just print out and paste the addresses to the
envelope. Then your friendly neighborhood postman will *really*
know what a doofus you are.
>
> =================================================
TOM: 49 equals signs don't make a . . . wait, that's not it.
>
> ****
CROW: Hey! Who gave this four stars???
MIKE: Must be Maltin's work.
> Take this entire letter, with the modified list of
> names, and save it on your computer. DO NOT MAKE ANY OTHER
> CHANGES.
TOM: Thereby preserving bad grammar, typos, and other annoying
errors.
> Save this on a disk as well just in case if you
> loose any data.
MIKE: Like that one, Tom?
TOM: It's "lose," you losers!
>
> ****
CROW: Apparently, Roger Ebert gave this four stars, as well, the
idiot.
TOM: I always did agree more with Siskel.
> To assist you with marketing your business on the
> internet,
MIKE: The nice federal agent will be showing you to your semi-private
ce-- uh, room.
> the 5 reports you purchase will provide you with
> invaluable marketing information
TOM: Namely, suckers, more suckers, even more suckers, really
gullible suckers, and the new crop of suckers born last year.
> which includes how to send
> bulk e-mails legally,
CROW: "Legally" does not mean "avoiding Terms-of-Service-based
cancellation of mail account."
> where to find thousands of free
> classified ads
MIKE: News flash, people! Typing "Classified ads" into any search
engine does the same thing!
> and much more.
TOM: How they pack that into five one-page reports is beyond me.
>
> There are 2 Primary
CROW: Schools of thought on spam: Delete it, or report it.
TOM: I delete.
MIKE: I report it.
> methods to get this venture going:
>
> METHOD #1 : BY SENDING BULK E-MAIL LEGALLY
CROW: Somehow, I feel that "sending bulk e-mail legally" is an
oxymoron.
TOM: Yeah. Only morons would fall for this.
>
> =================================================
MIKE: Rata-tat-tat-tat-tat!!!
>
> Let's say that you decide to start small,
TOM: No, no, no! Aim high! Sp-- er, an-- er, tell -- yeah, that's
it, *tell* the world about this great program!
> just to see how it
> goes, and we will assume You
CROW: AAAACCK! This spam's addressed to God!
MIKE: Yahweh-God, The Holy Trinity-God, or Allah-God?
TOM: Oh Heavenly Father, we beseech thee . . . smite these spammers!
> and those involved send out
> only 5,000 e- mails each. Let's also assume that the mailing
> receive only a 0.2% response (the response could be much
MIKE: Smaller.
CROW: More pathetic.
TOM: More violent.
> better but lets just say it is only 0.2%.
TOM: *hic* But Offisher, the level'sh only *hic* point-two pershent!
*hic*
> Also many people
> will send out hundreds of thousands e-mails instead of only
> 5,000 each).
CROW: Thereby creating that many more enemies.
>
> Continuing with this example, you send out only 5,000 e-
> mails.With a 0.2% response, that is only 10 orders for
> report # 1.
TOM: And 4,990 angry recipients.
> Those 10 people responded by sending out 5,000 e-
> mail each for a total of 50,000. Out of those 50,000 e-mails
> only 0.2% responded with orders. That's = 100 people
> responded and ordered Report # 2.
TOM: Running total: 55,000 emails sent, 110 gullible people, 54,890
angry readers.
> Those 100 people mail out
> 5,000 e-mails each for a total of 500,000 e-mails. The 0.2%
> response to that is 1000 orders for Report # 3.
TOM: 555,000 emails sent, 1110 gullible people, 553,890 angry
readers.
> Those 1000
> people send out 5,000 e-mails each for a total of 5 million
> e-mails sent out. The 0.2% response to that is 10,000 orders
> for Report # 4.
TOM: 5,555,000 emails sent, 11,110 gullible people, 5,543,890 angry
readers.
> Those 10,000 people send out 5,000 e-mails
> each for a total of 50,000,000 (50 million) e-mails. The
> 0.2% response to that is 100,000 orders for Report # 5
TOM: 55,555,000 emails sent, 111,110 gullible people, 55,443,890
angry readers.
MIKE: You know, with the duplication of accounts, I doubt that all
those will not be unique recipients, so some readers will be
doubly or even triply P.O.'d
>
> THAT'S 100,000 ORDERS TIMES $5 EACH = $500,000.00 (half
> million).
CROW: Which will be your total hospital bills if any who got this
chain letter spam gang up on you.
>
> Your total income in this example is:
>
> 1.............$50
>
> + 2...........$500
>
> + 3...........$5,000
>
> + 4...........$50,000
>
> + 5...........$500,000
>
> Grand Total = $555,550.00
TOM: Very good! Now add 4574,1648,16586,154766,45557,154587, and
154857.
CROW: 3,312,575.
>
> NUMBERS DO NOT LIE.
MIKE: Except statistics.
> GET A PENCIL & PAPER AND FIGURE OUT THE
> WORST POSSIBLE RESPONSES
MIKE: Okay . . . Angry mob, account cancellation, laughed at by
neighbors, federal raid, jail time . . . no, not worth the risk.
> AND NO MATTER HOW YOU CALCULATE IT,
> YOU WILL STILL MAKE A LOT OF MONEY!
TOM: With a buy-and-hold stock market philosophy. Fool on!
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------
CROW: [Singing.] Dashing through the snow, in a one-horse open
sleigh . . .
>
> REMEMBER FRIEND, THIS IS ASSUMING ONLY 10 PEOPLE ORDERING
> OUT OF 5,000 YOU MAILED TO. Dare to think for a moment what
> would happen if everyone, or half or even one 4th of those
> people mailed 100,000 e-mails each or more?
MIKE: Um . . . sorry, I'll take "Truth."
CROW: Okay, then, which one did you vote off the SoL? Please say me!
TOM: No, it was me!
MIKE: Actually, it was Gypsy!
BOTS: Aw, man!
> There are over
> 150 million people on the internet worldwide and counting.
> Believe me, any people will do just that, and more!
>
TOM: Thereby accelerating the rate at which the market is saturating
itself to self-implosion.
CROW: We wish.
MIKE: *Pearl* wishes. Come on, let's get out of here.
COMMERCIALS:
1. "Diagnosis: Achy Breaky Heart." In a reverse of "Northern
Exposure," Billy Ray Cyrus stars as a country doc who goes to the
Big City and . . . What? There's *already* a show like
that?!?!? You're kidding, right?
2. Big TobacConglomo cares about you and does charitable works.
Really! Honest! Okay, so it's a tax writeoff with a PR bonus.
But we *do* care!
3. Yet another Viagra commercial. Even with Phizer's ad blitz, it
*still* won't make up for all the feminine hygiene product ads we
gals subject the guys to.
End of Part 1. Parts 2 and 3 to follow.