MSTed: various shorts (2/3)
Petrea E. Mitchell
> From cmcl2!swiss.ans.net!gatech!news-feed-1.peachnet.
CROW: Peachy!
> edu!concert!inxs.ncren.ne!taco.
ALL: Mmm... taco.
> cc.ncsu.edu!eos.ncsu.edu!tfhill
> Sat Sep 10 15:39:30 1994
MIKE: Saturday. September the tenth, nineteen ninety-four at three thir-
ty-nine... A day that will live in infamy.
> Path:cmcl2!swiss.ans.net!gatech!news-feed-1.peachnet.edu!concert!inxs.
> ncren.
SERVO: [Swiss] He is Ollie, you are Sven.
> net!taco.cc.ncsu.edu!eos.ncsu.edu!tfhill
> From: tfh...@eos.ncsu.edu
> Newsgroups: alt.fan.goons
CROW: Yay! A post about the Goon Show!
SERVO: That's *Captain* Neddie Seagoon, M.T., M.T., M.T., M.T., and M.T.
MIKE: What're all the M.T.'s for?
SERVO: I get fivepenny deposit back on each of them!
> Subject: PROPOSAL:
CROW: But this is all so sudden-- we've only known each other for five
lines-- and I'm just not ready to settle down yet...
> Oquenorean fan group...
SERVO: What's Oquenorean, Mike?
MIKE: I don't know.
> Date: 10 Sep 1994 07:01:40 GMT
> Organization: OQUENDOREANS
CROW: Isn't this that bunch of guys who want to build a floating city in
the Carribean Sea?
MIKE: That's pretty obscure, Crow.
> Lines: 14
MIKE: I think that's the author's IQ.
> Sender: tfh...@eos.ncsu.edu (Tony Franklin Hill)
SERVO: [singing] Return to sender...
> Distribution: world
> Message-ID: <34rlkk$5...@taco.cc.ncsu.edu>
MIKE: Oh, I get it. The MESSAGE is fourteen lines. As for the header,
who knows.
> Reply-To: tfh...@eos.ncsu.edu
CROW: [British accent] Moriarty, I think we've found our Charlie.
> NNTP-Posting-Host: n00000-103sul.unity.ncsu.edu
> X-Newsreader: mxrn 6.18-17
MIKE: I don't remember that verse being in the Bible...
>
>
>
> We
SERVO: FINALLY!
> here at Oquendorean headquarters are hoping to start new newsgroup
> all about Jose Oquendo,
CROW: And we're posting here because the connection between him and the
Goons is crystal clear.
> the great utility player for the St. Louis
> Cardinals.
MIKE: Are also hoping to collect definite articles for needy.
SERVO: [creepy voice] Newsgroup filthy. Requires special attention. Is
getting special attention...
> We expect a tremendous response.
CROW: In fact, I think I hear the lynch mob now.
> Everyone interested,
> please feel free to reply with comments, suggestions, etc.
SERVO: Hate Mail.
CROW: Flames.
SERVO: Chain letters.
MIKE: Mail Bombs.
> Please
> consider voting for this necessary newsgroup.
MIKE: Okay, I'll consider it. Hmmm... Nope, won't do it.
CROW: About as necessary as a hangnail.
>
>alt.fan.oquendo
>
SERVO: .die.die.die.
MIKE: Well, it is the state that Jesse Helms is senator of, so maybe
this post might pass.
>
>
MIKE: Peace?
CROW: Not for Hill.
>
>
SERVO: Many line feeds died to make this post. Think about it, won't
you? Thank you.
> From cmcl2!panix!
MIKE: Isn't it a little late to start panicking?
> MathWorks.Com!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!howland.reston.ans.net!news.
> sprintlink.net!
CROW: I wonder when we're going to see Candice Bergen named spokesman
for the Information Superhighway.
MIKE: When it gets *built*, maybe?
> ns1.unicomp.net!usenet Wed Sep 28 14:18:02 1994
> Path: cmcl2!panix!MathWorks.Com!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!howland.reston.
> ans.net!news.sprintlink.net!ns1.unicomp.net!usenet
SERVO: Geez, we've gone through this already!
> From: Gl...@seeker.unicomp.net
CROW: Oh no, the Amazing Colossal Man has net.access!
> Newsgroups: alt.bbs.watergate,alt.bbs.waffle,
ALL: [singing] alt.bbs.waffle, we... love... you!
> alt.bbs.unixbbs,alt.bbs.pcbuucp,alt.bbs.pcboard,alt.bbs.majorbbs,alt.
> bbs.lists,alt.bbs.internet,alt.bbs.gigo-gateway,
SERVO: So, you think this is about BBSes?
CROW: This *is* BBS-- a bunch of bull...
MIKE: [warningly] Crow...
> alt.bbs.first-class,alt.bbs.doors,alt.bbs.allsysop,alt.bbs.ads,alt.
> barney.dinosaur.die.die.die,
CROW: Hey, what does that big dumb dinosaur have to do with computers?
SERVO: [superiorly] If you had a Mac you'd know about "Barney Blaster".
> alt.banjo,alt.backrubs,
MIKE: And the obligatory newsgroups that have nothing to do with the
topic, vital for any USENET post.
> alt.bacchus
SERVO: [Mr. Magoo voice] Oh, Mr. Magoo, you've done it again.
> Subject: PART TIME INCOME
CROW: I hope Ben Franklin's shadow doesn't turn up again! Yipe!
> Date: Tue, 27 Sep 94 15:23:45 PDT
MIKE: PDT?
SERVO: Pretty Darn Tasteless.
MIKE: Oh.
> Organization: UniComp Technologies International Corp -- Internet
> Service
> Lines: 56
> Message-ID: <369v91$g...@ns1.unicomp.net>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: unicomp9
> Mime-Version: 1.0
[Mike stands up and starts making strange gestures.]
SERVO: [low voice] Mike! What are you doing?
MIKE: [low voice] I'm miming a reply to the author.
SERVO: But you only need one finger to do that!
> Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII
[Mike sits down.]
> X-Newsreader: NEWTNews & Chameleon -- TCP/IP for MS Windows from
> NetManage
CROW: <sigh> GET ON WITH IT!
> Xref: cmcl2 alt.bbs.watergate:132 alt.bbs.waffle:8786 alt.bbs.unixbbs:
SERVO: No-ho-hoooo! Please! Not again!
> 1433 alt.bbs.pcbuucp:2668 alt.bbs.pcboard:4036 alt.bbs.majorbbs:4408
> alt.bbs.lists:7713 alt.bbs.internet:21431 alt.bbs.gigo-gateway:533
> alt.bbs.first-class:4881 alt.bbs.doors:496 alt.bbs.allsysop:7231 alt.
> bbs.ads:10217 alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die
MIKE: How about alt.lame-posts.die.die.die?
> :18080 alt.banjo:1081 alt.backrubs:4058 alt.bacchus:734
>
>
>
> FUN, TRAVEL & WEALTH AWAIT!
SERVO: [singing]: Come aboard... We're expecting you....
> Join me
MIKE: [Darth Vader voice] On the dark side of the Force.
> in an exciting membership that offers fabulous world
> wide vacations.
CROW: After you're caught, you'll see every federal prison!
MIKE: Might want to get that spacebar fixed.
> In addition, our members can purchase (for re-sale
> or to keep) name brand products at or near manufacturer's cost.
SERVO: Welcome to the glamorous world of wholesaling!
> Members also enjoy low cost group dental insurance, prescription
> drugs, vision care,
MIKE: Every week we'll mail you the entire contents of alt.startrek.
creative. If you can read through it all without getting bleary-
eyed, you have excellent vision!
> and emergency care flight!
SERVO: I'm REALLY going to enjoy that emergency flight to the hospital
after I'm in a car crash.
> There is even a
> unique & safe investment program that will teach YOU how to turn a
> $5,000 investment into millions.
MIKE: Yes, it's the wonderful world of counterfeiting!
CROW: [Struthers] Do you want to turn 5,000 dollar investments into mil-
lions? Sure, we all do!
> However, the best part of the
> membership, is that our members can: BE THEIR OWN BOSS
MIKE: I'm a lousy worker! I'm fired!
> AND EARN A
> LIFETIME RESIDUAL INCOME OF OVER $100,000 PER YEAR!!
>
> THIS BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY
SERVO: Is a figment of my imagination.
> REQUIRES NO INVENTORY INVESTMENT,
CROW: OR THE SENSE OF HEARING, EITHER!
> AND TAKES LESS
>
> THAN 1 HOUR PER MONTH TO DO!
MIKE: Just like washing Howard Stern's hair.
> ----THIS IS THE BEST "NO HASSLE" PART TIME BUSINESS EVER DESIGNED!----
SERVO: The only hassle.. is this post!
> Here are some highlights of this exciting part time business:
CROW: Highlights for Children.
MIKE: I think Goofus wrote this post.
> * Get started for less than $30!
CROW: And finish with less than $2!
> * No Inventory, No Paperwork, or Quotas!
SERVO: Or results!
MIKE: [singing] Not a single luxury...
> * Can do this from your home or apartment anywhere in the world!
SERVO: But what about condos?
MIKE: Yeah, and what if we're stuck up here in space?
> * THE INCOME POTENTIAL IS UNLIMITED!!
CROW: That is, *my* income potential!
> * The business will not interfere with anything you do now!
SERVO: Because you'll be broke and without a home for it to interfere
with!
> * No need to make phone calls, and it's totally discreet!
> * No need to bother friends or relatives!
MIKE: No calling circles!
> Company supplies leads!
CROW: Company puts lead in your water supply!
SERVO: That would explain their thought processes...
> * Earn Fabulous Vacations from the comfort of your home!
MIKE: Why is he trying to sell vacations to people who don't want to
leave their homes?
> * No Personal Selling Necessary, our system does the selling for you!
SERVO: In fact, we don't even need you! Forget it!
> * EASY TO EARN BIG $$$, anyone can do it!
MIKE: Even Dave Rhodes!
CROW: Even Mike Jittlov!
> * No meetings or presentations are necessary!
> * Rock-solid, long-term program that will produce a lifetime income!
> * YOU CAN MAKE MORE IN ONE MONTH, THAN WORKING ALL YEAR AT A JOB!
MIKE: Well of course, if that job is flipping burgers.
> If this sounds TOO GOOD to be true....
SERVO: Then you're a fantastic judge of character!
> YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO FIND OUT MORE!!!
MIKE: Hello, Better Business Bureau?
> FOR FREE INFORMATION,
CROW: Call Planned Parenthood now.
> & A $100 FREE TRAVEL GIFT.......
SERVO: Sure, that's, what, bus fare from Skokie to Peoria?
> Please send a stamped self-addressed, #10 envelope
CROW: Or a #2 pencil!
MIKE: Or a #9 dream!
SERVO: Help! I keep ending my sentences with exclamation points!
CROW: Oh, no! I've got it too!
> to:
> Glenn Quest
MIKE: I bet Race Bannon put him up to this.
SERVO: Help me! My 1 key is getting worn out!
> P. O. BOX 24469
> FT. WORTH, TX. 76124
CROW: Somebody!
SERVO: Help!
CROW: Get rid of the nasty exclamation-point Glenn beastie!
>
>
>
>
>
>
SERVO: Hey, this is the best part!
CROW: I know! It's my favorite bit so far!
SERVO: Yeah! THE END!
MIKE: Okay, that's enough with the exclamations.
> From cmcl2!yale.edu!spool.mu.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!news.
> sprintlink.net!uunet!psinntp!interramp.com!usenet Tue Sep 20 21:26:18
> 1994
> Path: cmcl2!yale.edu!spool.mu.edu!
CROW: spoo.mu.edu?
SERVO: Mmmmm... spoo.
> howland.reston.ans.net!news.sprintlink.net!uunet!psinntp!interramp.
> com!usenet
MIKE: It's deja vu time all over again, folks!
> From: kw...@panix.com
CROW: "Panix." Sums up my feelings about this short, perfectly.
> Newsgroups: alt.fan.goons
SERVO: Moriarty, put our poster's head in this forty-ton steam press for
a moment. PSST! THUD!
> Subject: WEIGHT LOSS GUARANTEED
MIKE: Do you want to bring the Internet to a standstill with a phony
weight loss program?
ALL: Sure, we all do!
> Date: Tue, 20 Sep 94 18:32:29 PDT
> Organization: PSI Public Usenet Link
CROW: So Psi-Corps was behind all this spamming. I'm not surprised.
> Lines: 43
MIKE: Don't Panic!
SERVO: That says 43 lines, not 42.
MIKE: Picky, picky.
> Message-ID: <35nsko$l...@www.interramp.com>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: ip245.new-york.ny.interramp.com
SERVO: So, "kw...@panix.com", care to explain that?
> Mime-Version: 1.0
> Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII
> X-Newsreader: NEWTNews & Chameleon -- TCP/IP for MS Windows from
> NetManage
MIKE: Geez, the man's Speaker of the House for maybe four weeks and al-
ready he's muscling in on everything in sight...
>
>
>
>
>
CROW: Well?
MIKE: I don't--
> How
ALL: Yaah!
> I lost weight online!
CROW: By spending so much time on the dang computer that I never stopped
to have decent meals!
>
> If you're like me,
SERVO: And I know I am--
MIKE: Then your postmaster needs some talking to.
> you spend hours sitting in front of a computer, getting
> little exercise, and eating whatever happens to be handy. I knew that
> it
> wasn't healthy to be overweight and it certainly wasn't attractive.
SERVO: Look, pal, I was *built* this chubby. Now, please leave me alone!
CROW: But on the net, who cares?
> I
> didn't think I had any alternative that would fit into my computer
> oriented
> lifestyle.
MIKE: "Computer oriented lifestyle"? What a geek.
SERVO: Ahem!
> Luckily, while cruising around the Net I came across someone who had
> been
> in my situation and had taken some herbal tablets as part of an easy,
> inexpensive, online program that produced amazing results.
CROW: Namely, death by starvation.
> Now I'm just as
> skeptical as you are,
MIKE: Oh, I doubt that.
> but when I learned that these herbal tablets contain
> combinations of natural, safe herbs whose dietary powers have been
> known
> for centuries, and that the easy to follow program comes with a 30
> day
> satisfaction guarantee,
SERVO: And that they worked wonders for some guy named Dave Rhodes...
> I decided to give it a try. After all, I didn't
> want meetings, public weigh-ins, or expensive special foods. I wanted
> to
> lose weight online - Quickly, safely, and inexpensively... and keep it
> off!
CROW: [panicky] Keep it off me! KEEP IT OFF ME!
>
MIKE: Hey, any of you remember the BodyLink?
CROW: Ah, yes! "Your Link to Fitness, Health, and Well-Being." <chortle>
> The results were amazing.
SERVO: I actually *gained* weight from eating too many of the dang
herbs!
> Within a few days after starting the program I
> could feel the difference.
CROW: Within a few *more* days, I had to let out my belt five notches.
> I felt more energetic than I had in years, and
> I was actually eating less without feeling hungry. At last, I had
> control
> over my appetite. I began losing weight , and excess fat (inches).
MIKE: Suddenly, every male reading this article reconsiders.
> My
> usual cravings for junk food were becoming a thing of the past.
SERVO: Replaced by an addiction to the drugs contained in the herbs.
> I became
> totally satisfied with healthy low fat meals and snacks, which as a
> side
> benefit, are much less expensive than junk food.
CROW: If you consider steak to be junk food.
> I lost 26 lbs and 5
> inches
ALL: <ahem>
> around my waist.
SERVO: Oh.
CROW: As for the rest of me, it's still Goodyear Blimp city!
> I believe that this improvement will be permanent because I didn't
> change
> my lifestyle
SERVO: Sure-- huh?
MIKE: Care to run that one by me again?
> or rely on special diet foods. I just used the herbal tablets
> and they enabled my body to change naturally.
CROW: I mean, cyanide can't be bad for you 'cause it's natural, right?
> I hope you're as lucky as me, and try this amazing natural herbal
> program.
> Let me know how you do.
>
> For information on the amazing herbal tablet program, don't contact
> me,
MIKE: --as my own machine will have been buried underneath a pile of
hate mail--
> just email to the Company at: 693...@mcimail.com.
SERVO: Here at the Telephone Company, we serve all sorts of people, from
presidents and kings to the scum of the earth...
>
> Good luck!
CROW: You'll need it!
MIKE: Ah, that's too obvious.
> Date: 25 Sep 94 20:07:52 EDT
> From: Elizabeth L. Moore
SERVO: What's her middle name?
MIKE: Must be "Less".
> Subject: Very Important
> To: Eric D. Petitt, Kyle B. Teamey, Anil R. Doshi, Ann Marie Nee,
> Keith M. Zorn, Jeremy D. Gwiazda, Timothy R. Jezek, Trevor J. Hart,
> Ysabella L. Castro, Sixten F. K. Otto, John L. C. Maldonado, Rodrego
> A. Byerly
CROW: Wow, check out the subliminals in there: team, pet, knee, an--
[Mike clamps a hand over Crow's beak.]
SERVO: castr...
MIKE: [warningly] Tom...
> THIS IS NOT A HOAX!!
SERVO: This is swamp gas, or perhaps the planet Venus, but not a deli-
berate hoax.
CROW: [as Mike lets go of him] And there goes the Hoax Alarm.
> Since September 25, 1994, this blitz
MIKE: It's a ballroom blitz.
> has been traveling through the
> cyberspace of Dartmouth College,
SERVO: More of a cyber-niche, really.
> as well as the rest of the world.
> Everyone who has received it who has forwarded it to at least ten
> people has
> received at least $100 within the next week.
CROW: You'll just have to trust me on this one, since I'm writing this
*on* September 25...
> Everyone who has received it and ignored it has lost at least one limb
> within
> the next 24 hours.
SERVO: Oh, *I'm* worried!
MIKE: Wow, who's the poor sod who lost more than one limb?
> Here at Dartmouth,
SERVO: We like frenching.
> we study the nature of things,
CROW: 'Cause that David Suzuki is really hot!
> and one of those universal
> dilemmas we ponder is
MIKE: [thoughtfully] Where's the beef?
> whether our existence is determined by fate or free
> will.
SERVO: It's stumped philosophers for millenia, but we'll give you three
credit hours if you figure it out.
MIKE: I don't know about the rest of you, but none of what goes on here
was ever *my* idea.
> Here is your opportunity to prove the latter to the rest of humanity.
> The choice is yours.
CROW: Hey, quit coaching the panelist!
> Should you choose to accept the challenge,
SERVO: ...the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This
file will self-destruct in five seconds. Good luck, Jim.
> you must
> forward this message in its entirety to at least 10 people, not
> necessarily
> Dartmouth students.
CROW: In fact, I can suggest a Radford University student who should re-
ceive all ten copies.
MIKE: Tonight, on "Not Necessarily Dartmouth Students".
> I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER.
SERVO: I prefer to think of it as a link-o-gram.
> (and Goldsmith's speech at the
> Community at Dartmouth program was not PC).
CROW: What's is the Dartmouth program?
MIKE: Apparently, it's "Sending stupid email 101".
CROW: Just as long as it doesn't start another of those computer holy
wars...
SERVO: Never mind, we're outta here.
...o...2...3...4...5...6...*
[SoL bridge. Gypsy is busy doing something, heavens know what, and whis-
tling. She's wearing her "lipstick", false eyelashes, earrings, fancy,
um, dress, etc. The Mads light flashes.]
<>
[A TV screen can be seen atop the console, showing a frozen frame from
_What to Do on a Date_.]
FRANK: Saaay, what's with the outfit?
<>
GYPSY: Oh, it's just a little thing I wear around the house sometimes.
What's that you're watching?
<>
FRANK: [hastily turning the TV screen away] Uh... heh... just a... thing
that was on.
[awkward pause]
FRANK: You.. uh... like to watch... I mean you-- I mean, what are you
watching? Er, were watching? Uh, like to watch?
<>
GYPSY: Well, I like to watch "Sea Hunt"...
<>
FRANK: Uh, hey! Yeah! [terrible Lloyd Bridges impression] "By this time,
my lungs were aching for air..." But that Admiral Nelson! Is he
corny or what??
<>
GYPSY: I think he's cute.
<>
FRANK: *Cute*? Oh, give me a break! Why, he's... uh, hello? You there?
<>
[The SoL bridge is entirely empty. The commercial sign button flashes.]
[A family of plastic people are hiking in the woods and laughing at other
plastic people who don't have Duracell batteries. A horde of mutant hell-
beasts attacks, and only the family with Duracell batteries is able to
outrun them. They head for a ranger station, but it has already been ta-
ken over and fortified by the Energizer bunny. Ha ha, that good old
American humor!]