MiSTed: "Strange Information"
mwa...@uoft02.utoledo.edu
mostly due to lack of time.
Also, to be fair, I should mention that I received a bit of creative input
from a friend of mine named Wade, who has really long hair, but only in the
back. The lion's share is mine, though.
Enjoy. (I hope.)
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<Opening. SOL. All is quiet. Everybody is napping. Mike is sleeping in a
makeshift hammock, with Gypsy resting in his lap. Crow is lying in a comfy
recliner, his beak fluttering periodically, as if snoring. Tom is on a table,
inert. Silence.>
<Mad's light flashes. More silence.>
<Mad's light flashes again, along with a few other lights. Still more
silence.>
<There is a loud, electrical "bzzzt" sound, and Mike jumps out of his hammock,
falling on the floor.>
MIKE: Ow! Wha...? What's going... Oh, man... Hey guys, it's the Oscar and
Mayer, the Weiner brothers!
<The 'bots slowly begin to show signs of life. Or whatever passes for it with
them. Mike angrily punches the button.>
CROW (in background): WhooOOOoaah, what a dream!
TOM: (also in background): Oh, *man*! And I was up until five last night!
MIKE: This had better be good, Forrester! We're in the middle of Nap Time up
here!
<Deep 13. Dr Forrester is rubbing his hands with "Evil Glee", the bottle of
which can be clearly seen on the screen. Frank is standing slightly behind
him, looking at Dr. F's hair.>
DR. F: Ha, HA! So I interrupted your beauty sleep, did I, Junior Birdman?
And that's not all...
FRANK: Hey, Steve, is that the stuff you put in your hair?
DR. F: Shut up, Frank! Now, Nelson, I've got a bit of a treat for you today,
a fun little feature we'll call the "Mystery Usenet Poster". It's one
of your old friends from the Crackpot Divison of Usenet, but I'm not
telling which one! I'll give you one tiny clue, though; the title of
the post is "Strange Information".
FRANK (happily): It's not Abian!
DR. F: Oh, just push the button, Frank!
<SOL. Bells, lights, the whole shtick.>
ALL: Aaaaaahhh! We've got Mystery Crackpot sign!
<6.....5.....4.....3.....2.....1>
<Inside the theater>
TOM: Hmmm... "Strange Information", huh? It could be *anybody*!
MIKE: Uh, oh. I think the answer's coming up pretty quick, here.
> From: John
CROW: No.
> _-_
CROW: No!
> Winston
ALL: NOOOOOO!!!
> @cup.portal.com
> Subject:Strange Informaton.
MIKE: Well, at least he's writing what he knows.
TOM: _-_.
> Date: Fri, 25 Mar 94 18:39:51 PST
> Message-ID:<107...@cup.portal.com>
> Subject: Unusual Informtion.
MIKE: Waitaminute. I thought the subject was "*Strange* Information".
CROW: What, you expect *logic* from John_-_Winston?
TOM (Johnny Carson): Weird, wild, stuff...
> Before coming in contact with space people who are different
> from us
MIKE: And some that are, sadly, just the same,
> it might be good to find out something about the unusual
> people who are already here on Earth.
MIKE: I will, of course, be volunteering my brain to further these studies.
CROW: Ha! As if they'd *take* it!
> My friend, we'll call Nick,
TOM: *I'm* no friend of yours. And who is this "Nick" you want me to call?
MIKE: No, no, Tom. That's not what he means.
CROW: Yeah, if I were *his* friend, I wouldn't want him using my real name,
either.
> just got back from India. He had
> gone over there to have a short trip and look around the area that
> belongs to Swamiji
TOM: ...The Human Pretzel!
MIKE: King of the Sideshow!
CROW: Mmmm... he even tastes salty!
> to get himself acquainted with the general
> area.
CROW: Unfortunately, when he got off the plane, he was forced to take part in
annoying "icebreaker" activities.
TOM: And he also met Admiral Perimeter, and Lieutenant Volume, and Corporal
Radius!
> He met a lady there from Denmark, who was about 32 years
> old. She told him about going to see a fortune telling sort of a
> person in New Deli.
MIKE (Homer Simpson): Mmmm...cold cuts...
TOM: Ha, ha! "A fortune telling sort of a person"! Way to lay it right on
the line, J_-_W!
CROW: ...Sort of person, kind of, ya know, but not really, maybe...
> She had been told to go into this particular
> establishment. After a person came to wait on her she was
CROW: To knock him over the head with a brick and rob the place, thus gaining
much fortune.
> asked
> to have a thumb print made and she complied with this request.
> The person then went away for 15 minutes to search for
TOM: The proper authorities.
> a palm
> leaf that was among thousands of other palm leaves.
TOM: Ooooh, like, cosmic!
CROW: What, is John_-_Winston taking up Zen? What is this?
MIKE: This is what it is, my metallic friend.
> This leaf
> had writing on it written in Sanskrit. The person then without
TOM: Writing written??? Hello? Dept. of Redundancy Dept?
> asking her any question, proceeded to tell her
TOM: To please stop standing on his foot.
> about what her
> name was, the maiden name of her mother and a lot of other things.
TOM: That he'd read off of the driver's license and personal documents in
the woman's purse, which he had stolen just minutes before.
> It appeared that the information was up to date for that month.
> She was also told when she would marry and how many kids she would
> have
CROW: Along with some gratuitous sexual innuendo about the conception of said
children.
> This information was given to her in the Danish language,
MIKE (Homer Simpson): Mmm...Danish...
> which was a language that the person behind the counter did not
> speak.
MIKE: Um... didn't speak until now?
TOM: Perhaps he means 'didn't understand'...
CROW: Wow. This is pretty strange.
MIKE: No, no. It's only "Unusual", remember?
TOM: Weird, wild stuff...
> This cost about 15 cent to have this done.
TOM: And cheap at twice the price!
>
> It was found out that this information on the palm leaves was
> put down about 6 million years ago when the continents were still
> together.
MIKE: Not to mention the Osmond Family.
CROW: And the Jackson Five.
MIKE: And Loni and Burt...
TOM: Wait. He expects me to believe that a palm leaf, with legible writing
on it, survived six billion years without decomposing or fossilizing or
anything?
MIKE: With writing written in Sanskrit, even.
CROW: To quote from earlier: "What, you expect *logic* from John_-_Winston?"
TOM: Yeah, but who was even *around* that long ago to write anything on this
wondrous palm leaf?
MIKE: Say, isn't J_-_W the guy who knows the people from the future?
> When Nick told the followers of Swamiji about this
> they
>
CROW: ...Screamed "Ah HA! He believes!" and sacrificed him in a strange
ritual involving several chickens and a tattoed lady.
> told him that Swamiji himself had his own palm leaf
CROW: ...Farm, from which he harvested some wicked joints!
MIKE: Whoooaahh, man, you gotta try some of this stuff...
> there
> at the ashram and it had been mounted under glass in a picture
> frame.
TOM: Aw, ain't that heartwarming. His first scam.
MIKE: It survives six billion years, and now he thinks it needs special
protection??
TOM: No, only six *million* years. This isn't *that* unusual.
> It said that Swamiji would be an avatar during this period
> of time and other things that would happen in this life.
TOM: Wow. A talking leaf. This *is* "Unusual Information"!
TOM: I bet it had speaking spoken in Sanskrit.
> Swamiji's home is in Mysore, India.
CROW: A fact that has, apparently, come to us straight out of left field.
>
> While talking about this to a group of friends,
TOM: Hello! Scene change!
MIKE: Nick constantly referred to his "cousin" so that his friends wouldn't
think he really bought any of this and laugh at him.
> a janitor came
> in and asked Nick
CROW: If he'd ever actually *paid* a hooker to--
MIKE: Watch, it Crow.
> what he was talking about. Nick told him,
CROW: "Get lost, you greasy man!"
> and
> the janitor said
MIKE: "You *must* find the jade monkey before the next full moon!"
TOM: Uh, Nelson, we *found* the jade monkey. It was in the glove
compartment along with the road maps and extra ramchips.
MIKE: <rubs hands together> EX-cellent!
> that they read palm leaves in Jackson, Miss.
CROW: Since they don't have a real newspaper...
TOM: And the circus left town...
> Nick then told him that he wasn't talking about reading palms or
> any other form of divination. The janitor then told him,
TOM: "Oh, you silly man!"
> "I know
> what you mean but we really read the writing on palm leaves in
> Jackson, Miss.".
ALL: Wow! This *is* Unusual Information!
> Nick then wondered about it because one of the
> places that Swamiji is making his organization in the USA is
> Jackson, Miss.
TOM: So watch out! Because Swamiji wants to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!
MIKE: And he's coming to a town near you!
CROW: And he's got (DUM DUM DUMMMM) Palm Leaves!
>
> John Winston.
TOM: _-_.
MIKE: Huh?
TOM: _-_!
MIKE: Oh, okay.
CROW: So, what, he's done? That's it???
MIKE: I think so. Let's get out of here.
<1.....2.....3.....4.....5.....6>
MIKE: Well, what do you think, sirs?
<Deep 13. Dr. F and Frank are sifting through a large pile of leaves.>
DR. F: Not now, Nelson. Can't you see we're searching for wisdom?
FRANK: You told me we were only looking for really pretty leaves!
<SOL>
MIKE: Uh... okay...
CROW: I bet his mind snaps when he realizes it's a lost cause.
TOM: Hey, Forrester, shouldn't you be looking at *palm* leaves? Those are
*maple* leaves!
<Deep 13>
DR. F: Frank!!! I *told* you to get PALM leaves! "PALM leaves," I said! You
can't get any wisdom out of a maple leaf! You can't even get SYRUP out
of them!
FRANK: <cringes>
DR. F: Well, sorry to cut this short, Nelson, but we have serious work to do!
Hit the button, Frank!
<klik>
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OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER!!! AAAGH!!!
This MiSTing is intended solely for humorous and entertaining purposes. The
characters and situations related to Mystery Science Theater 3000, oh, yeah,
and the name too, are pretty much owned lock, stock, and barrel by Best Brains,
Inc. The use of said stuff is not intended to rip them off in any way.
This post is not intended as a personal attack on John_-_Winston, or that crazy
middle name of his, even though he certainly presents a large enough target.
Michael Warner
mwa...@uoft02.utoledo.edu
> The person then went away for 15 minutes to search for a palm
> leaf that was among thousands of other palm leaves. This leaf
> had writing on it written in Sanskrit.
mwa...@uoft02.utoledo.edu
John_-_Winston says:
>> It said that Swamiji would be an avatar during this period
>> of time and other things that would happen in this life.
It was supposed to be *Mike* who says:
> Wow. A talking leaf. This *is* "Unusual Information"!
Instead of Tom, as it says in the post. This is important, because if you've
already read the thing, Tom is the one with the next line. Chalk it up to bad
editing, I guess. How embarassing.
Okay, go back to whatever it is you were doing.
-Michael
Melissa Anderson
future. Actually, it is his friend R----- (sometimes: R----) who communicates
with the people from the future (the Leians, if we must be specific) and then
passes transcriptions of his talks to J_-_W, who passes them on the
alt.mythology, alt.pagan, and alt.dreams.
It's long, hideous, and coming soon to alt.tv.mst3k. We are almost done, I
swear.
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Melissa Autumn Anderson Grad. School of Library and Info. Science
mand...@alexia.lis.uiuc.edu University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
"That's one of my favorite mountains in Illinois back there." --Tom Servo
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