MiSTed: getrich.txt [1/1]
Bryan Chaney
The characters are copyright (c) 1995 of Best Brains Inc. This is not
meant on a personal attack on the author of the procedeing document, but
as entertainment. This fanfiction is copyright 1996 of Jerry Stevens and
Bryan Chaney and may be freely distrubted.
The MiSTing of getrich.txt
by Jerry "Yakko Warner Jr." Stevens and "Wilford" Bryan "Wolf" Chaney
[Satellite of Love; Crow and Tom are sleeping behind the desk; Joel enters]
Joel: [tapping Tom on the head] Wake up guys.
Tom: [rising, making some indistinct sounds] --wha?
Joel: We have to endure another one of Dr. Forrester's experiments...
Crow: [sleepily] Tell him to go away....
Joel: You know, I would really miss you if didn't help me...
Crow: [still half asleep] Biteme.
Joel: [turning to Cambot] I'll have them awake in a moment. [punches
commercial sign]
[Ads for Kraft Animaniacs Mac & Cheese and Branimaniacs; for that get up
and go feeling (I gotta get up and go)]
[SOL; we see an empty set for a beat and then Tom and Crow zoom in front
of the camera; Joel enters left, following]
Joel: [turning to the camera, out of breath] It's amazing what one can do
with a car battery and jumper cables...[Tom rushes from the right
and runs into Joel] Oof!
Tom: [now all hyper] Wow! I haven't felt this good since you last changed
my oil!
Crow: [runs across the screen r to l] Meep! Meep!
[off screen, a large crash]
Gypsy: [entering left, with Crow in her mouth; she drops the dazed Crow
at Joel's feet] Here Joel.
Joel: Well, thank you, Gypsy
Crow: [shakes his head] What in the heck did you put in that charge, Joel?
Joel: Hush, the Doublemint Twins are calling.
[Deep 13; Dr. Forrester is busily shuffling papers while TV's Frank is in
the back, working on a letter. Paper is everywhere]
Dr. F: Hello, boobie. Are you ready for this week's invention exchange?
[SOL]
Joel: Yes, sir. You know, espresso has become very popular in the past year,
and some people are starting to build a tolerance to all that
caffine. So in order to respice up the drink of millions, I've
invented a hyperpowered espresso machine. [Joel holds up an espresso
machine, hooked up with the aforementioned jumper cables and car
battery. He turns it on and yells over the motor] With the mixer
going at around 5000 rpms, it gets those caffine molecules really
excited. [Turns the machine off and gives Tom a cup. Tom drinks it
gleefully]
Crow: We've secretly replaced Tom's Folger's Crystals with Joel's Espresso
Drink. Let's watch...
Tom: [drinks the espresso, then starts rambling off] Wow,thisisthebestdrinkIhave
everhad.ItmakesmefeelsoaliveandexcitedthatIcouldgoonlikethisforever
andrambleaboutnothingandannoyeveryonebecauseIamsohyperrightnow!
Joel: [Quickly turns Tom off] What do you think, sirs? [hits the Mad's button]
Crow: Could I have some, Joel?
Joel: Shush, you.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Well, Joel, my invention is based on the fact that no one wants to learn
Geometry anymore. And yes, it's an evil subject to learn...that's
why we're here. As you may have noticed, Deep 13 has become an
unkempt place, no thanks Frank's calls to 1-900-SPANK-ME. His
bills are a mile long, and now I'm swimming in his loniness. So in
order to keep these papers under control, I've invented the
Geometric paper weight. With these little bundles of joy, you can
learn about: the triangle [hold up said paperweight], the
semi-cricle [also holds up said paperweight], and this, the
weird-shaped thingie. All hail the power of the weird-shaped
thingie! [The weird-shaped thingie glows]
[SOL]
Joel: Wow, sir, that really is pointless.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Thank you! Anyways, in leiu of a movie, we have another jem from the
Internet, one of those myriad get rich quick schemes...[Looking
around, noticing Frank for the first time] Frank, get away from the
experiment! [Turning back to the camera] Enjoy...
[SOL]
Joel: We have Usenet sign!!
[6..5..4..3..2..1]
[Joel, carrying Tom, and Crow enter the theater]^¿
> ! ATTENTION ALL FAST MONEY MAKING SKEPTICS !
Tom: Prepare to become even more skeptical!
> PLEASE READ AND ANALYZE THE FOLLOWING AND DETERMINE IF
> $5 IS WORTH KNOWING IF THIS IS REALLY POSSIBLE!!!!!
Crow: @@@@h, I think that Rogaine would be better to invest in...
>
>Dear Friends,
>
>My name is Nathan Sands.
Joel: ... and I am a chronic gambler.
Bots: [applaud]
>In September 1993 my car was
>reposessed and the bill collectors were hounding me like you
>wouldn't believe. I was laid off and my unemployment checks had run
>out. The only escape I had from the pressure of failure was my
>computer and my modem.
Joel: I spent many a long day on playboy.com...
>I longed to turn my advocation into my vocation.
Tom: Then it hit me! Why don't I borrow money off my parents for the rest
of my life?
>This January 1993 my family and I went on a ten day
>cruise to the tropics.
Joel: We're currently lost at sea right now, but at least we have all this
money!
>I bought a Mercedes Benz for CASH in
>Feburary 1994.
Crow: Well, it wasn't *MY* cash exactly...
>I am currently building a home on the West Coast of
>California, with a private pool, boat slip, and a beautiful view of
>the bay from my breakfast room table and patio. I will never have
>to work again.
Crow: Wait, if he's building a house with all that neat stuff, how can he
say that's not work?
Joel: I think he meant he doesn't have to work at Wal-Mart anymore, Crow.
Tom: Oh well, you never know. He might just be very motivated.
>Today I am rich! I have earned over $800,000.00
>(Eight Hundred Thousand Dollars)
Crow: E-i-g-h-t (space) H-u-n-d-r-e-d (space) T-h-o-u-s-a-n-d (space)
D-o-l-l-a-r-s. Is that any more clearer?
>to date and will become a
>millionaire within 4 or 5 months. Anyone can do the same. This
>money making program works perfectly every time, 100% of the time.
Crow: O-n-e (space) H-u-n-d-r-e-d... oh, forget it! We get the point! It
works!
>I have NEVER failed to earn $50,000.00 or more whenever I wanted.
Tom: I learned how to hold up only the richest Circle K's!
>Best of all you never have to leave home except to go to your
>mailbox or post office.
Tom: You, too, can be a Unabomber!
Crow: [singing] ...wouldn't you like to be a Unabomber, too?
Joel: Hush, you two.
>
>In October 1993, I received a letter in the mail telling me
Crow: To stop sending me these things!
>how I could earn $50,000 dollars or more whenever I wanted. I was
>naturally very skeptical and threw the letter on the desk next to
>my computer.
Tom: Strange...I would've thrown it away in the trash basket.
>It's funny though, when you are desperate, backed into
>a corner, your mind does crazy things.
Joel: I once ran naked through the streets of Minneapolis...
Crow: [awed] Wow... Th--
Joel: Don't go there.
>I spent a frustating day
>looking through the want ads for a job with a future. The pickings
>were sparse at best. That night I tried to unwind by booting up my
>computer and calling several bulletin boards.
Tom: Um, maybe if you got AWAY from that computer...
Joel: I dunno, Tom, many people have a happy life on the computer.
Tom: Bill Gates doesn't count, Joel.
>I read several of the
>message posts and than glanced at the letter next to the computer.
>All at once it came to me, I now had the key to my dreams.
Crow: I could write many a chain letter and at the end write, "!dlrow eht
revo ekat lliw niarB ehT"!
Tom: Yes folks, only in text can you do referrences like that!
>I realized that with the power of the computer I could expand and enhance
>this money making formula into the most unbelievable cash flow generator
>that has ever been created.
Crow: Next to the Franklin Mint, of course. I mean, how many people can
resist to own the complete Star Trek Chess Set?
>I substituted the computer bulletin boards
>in place of the post office and electronically did by computer what
>others were doing 100% by mail.
Joel: What's so different about throwing away junk mail?
>Now only a few letters are mailed manually.
Tom: The death threats that can't be traced, of course.
>Most of the hard work is speedily downloaded to other bulletin boards
>throughout the world. If you believe that someday you deserve that
>lucky break that you have waited for all your life, simply follow
>the easy instructions below. Your dreams will come true.
Crow (falsetto): Just click your heels three times...
>
> Sincerely yours,
> Nathan Sands
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
> INSTRUCTIONS
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
Tom: Ho boy. Here we go.
>
>
> Follow these instructions EXACTLY, and in 20 to 60 days you will
>have received well over $50,000.00 cash, all yours.
Crow: No no no. All theirs! Where does the IRS come into this?
>This program
>has remained successful because of the HONESTY and INTEGRETY of the
>participants. Please continue its success by carefully ADHERING TO
>THE INSTRUCTIONS.
Tom: Ignoring the fact that this scheme is completely illegal...
>
> THIS ONLY WORKS IF YOU
> FOLLOW UP AND MAKE IT!
>
>Welcome to the world of Mail Order! This little business is a
>little different than most mail order houses.
Joel (effemnate voice): We have those little toys you've been *dying* to find.
>Your product is not
>solid and tangible, but rather a service. You are in the business
>of developing Mailing lists. Many large corporations are happy to
>pay big bucks for quality lists.
Crow: And there are customers who would like to kill those people who give
out those lists, but danger comes with the job.
>
>(The money made from the mailing lists are secondary to the income
>which is made from people like yourself requesting that they be
>included in that list.)
Joel: But make sure s/he's dead, though. We can't miss anyone.
>
> 1) IMMEDIATELY mail $1.00 to the first 5 (five) names listed
> below starting at number 1 through number 5. Send CASH only please
> (total investment $5.00). Enclose a note with each letter stating:
Joel: "I'm a loser, so why don't you kill me?"
Crow: Can I, please?
>
> "Please add my name to your mailing list."
>
> For other countries the equvielent amount may be sent, e.g. in
> Hong Kong Send HK$10 as this is the lowest denomination note.
> (This is a legitimate service that you are requesting and you are
> paying $1.00 for this service).
Tom: I hope these people are smarter than that...isn't it illegal to do
this in other countries anyway?
Crow: We only hope...
>
>2) REMOVE the name that appears number 1 on the list. Move the
> other 9 names up one position. (Number 2 will become number 1
> and number 3 will become number 2, etc.)
Crow: "...And we carry the 2 one left on top of the ten's place right next
door, and we put it on top of the number four..."
>
>3) Place your name, address and zip code in the number 10 position.
Crow: But nothing says to cheat and put yourself in the #5 position.
>
>5) Post the new letter with your name in the number 10 position
> into 10 (Ten)
Crow: T-e-n.
> separate bulletin boards in the message base or to
> the file section. Call the file, GETRICH.TXT or something like that.
Joel: But don't call it as stupid as that, for people fortunately know how
to hit the 'delete' button. But be careful, though, because with
all the junk in a Get-Rich-Quick scheme, you might get zapped into
the Internet or something equally silly.
>
>4) Within 60 days you will receive over $50,000.00 in CASH. Keep
> a copy of this file for yourself so that you can use it again and
> again whenever you need money.
Tom: Send it to everyone you know! Even the President is powerless to
stop it! He will join us!
>
> As soon as you mail out these letters you are automatically in the
> mail order business and people are sending you $1.00 to be placed on
> your mailing list.
Joel: Wow... to think I got all that mail from Ed and Dick because someone
put my name on one of these things.
> This list can than be rented to a list broker that
> can be found in the Yellow Pages for additional income on a regular
> basis. The list will become more valuable as it grows in size. This
> is a service. This is perfectly legal.
Tom: This is perfectly *stupid*!
> If you have any doubts, refer
> to Title 18, Sec. 1302 & 1341 of the postal lottery laws.
Crow: Title 18...title 18...here we go. "Postal Lottery laws state that
chain letters are legal, but beware of the disgruntled mail room
people who will come and shoot you down should you continue. Don't
say we didn't warn ya." Sheesh, there's something to take to heart.
Tom: He prolly made those numbers up... [chuckles]
>
> --- NOTE ---
>
> Make sure you retain EVERY Name and Address sent to you,
> either on computer or hard copy, but do not discard the names and
> notes they send you. This is PROOF that you are truely providing
> a service and should the IRS or some other Government Agency
> question you, you can provide them with this proof!
Tom: Then they will rip it up and throw you in jail anyway because no one
escapes Big Brother.
Crow: pinky is gay. i have proof.
Joel: Huh?
Crow: [patting Joel on the shoulder] Obscure joke, ask your parents.
>
> Remember as each post is downloaded and the instructions
> carefully followed, five members will be reimbursed for their
> participation as a List Developer with one dollar each. Your name
> will move up the list geometrically so that when your name reaches
> the number five position you will be receiving thousands of dollars
> in cash!
Crow: But don't be stupid like me. Put yourself in the #5 slot!
Tom: ...and by this time you'll have so much junk mail, you can swim in it!
All: Whee!
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
> LIST
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>[list deleted]
Joel: Oh darn. I wanted to see the suckers who thought this works.
>
>ADDITIONAL NOTES-
>
>
> I would like to exhort
Crow: Large sums of cash from you suckers...er, nice trusting people.
> those who become involved
> in this program to maintain its integrity by being honest.
Tom: Those who don't will be killed on site, because thanks to this list,
we know where you live! Muhaahhahahaha!
> It is the only way that it can possibly pay off. In other
> words, be sure to enter your name at the bottom of the
> list and not in one of the top five positions (actually
> this would be robbing yourself since it is while your name
> is in the lower positions that it gets multiplied
> exponentially over hundreds of BBSs).
Crow: Well, you *could* send two copies...one has you in the #5 position
and another in the #10 position.
Tom: Then what will people think?
Crow: That you're twice the sucker.
> And, of course,
> send your $1.00 off to the first five names. As I write
> this I have not made a penny (that's because I have not
> uploaded this yet), but I thought you might like to hear
> from someone at the bottom of the list, instead of someone
> claiming rags-to-riches.
Joel: Just call me Ensign Sucker!
Tom: Must be a red shirt.
Crow: Fanboy.
> I hope such is true, and I'm
> sure it will be if we all stick with it. The potential is
> definitely here!
Tom: The other people, however, didn't even read this far.
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
> HOW IT WORKS
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> You Probably want an explanation on how this works? Right on.
All: NO!
> Ill do i by example. It is an exponential type of deal. Here is
> what would happen after 3 rounds. You upload it to 10 BBS's.. If only
> * 1 * person from each of those got it and upload it to 10 other BBS's
> there would be another 100 people doing it. Then each of them upload
> to 10 bbs's and then 1000 more people have it. That is after 3 rounds.
Joel: So the ratio of suckers to smart people who tossed this away is 10:1.
> Here is a chart showing how many people would have it after each posision
> on the list you were. This is the potential. Remember that not everybody
> is honest like you are.
Tom: Why, thank you. I do pride myself by letting people know how stupid they
are to invest in a silly thing like this.
>
> Place Exeponent Number of people
> |---------------------------------------|
> |10 | 10 ^ 1 | 10 |
> |9 | 10 ^ 2 | 100 |
> |8 | 10 ^ 3 | 1,000 |
> |7 | 10 ^ 4 | 10,000 |
> |6 | 10 ^ 5 | 100,000 |
> |5 | 10 ^ 6 | 1,000,000 |
> |4 | 10 ^ 7 | 10,000,000 |
> |3 | 10 ^ 8 | 100,000,000 |
> |2 | 10 ^ 9 | 1,000,000,000 |
> |1 | 10 ^ 10 | 10,000,000,000 |
> -----------------------------------------
Joel: This flow chart also describes the number of dreams crushed by people
would thought spending $6.60 for $50,000 would actually work.
Tom: $6.60?
Joel: Well, you have to spend money on the stamps.
>
> That means that there is the potential for a LOT of people to get
> this. And if you think about it, If you only make 50,000 out of over
> 10 billion, there are a lot of dishonest people out there.
Crow: Dishonest people in this day and age? Nooooo! You shock me sir!
Actually, You bite me sir!
Tom: *gasp* I'm scandlized!
> So PLEASE
> follow through and be honest. How can you lose by spending only $5.00
> Pass it on and make it work!!!!!
Crow: They ARE lying! It's $6.60! I'm going to write the Better Business
Bureau about this! C'mon, let's hurry and report these fiends!
[They all exit the theater]
[1..2..3..4..5..6]
[Deep 13; Frank is grinning stupidly and giggling as he holds an
envelope, Dr. F. looks at the camera]
Frank: [mumbling to himself] This will help me pay my bills...he he he...to
think that in 60 days I will be $50,000 richer and I can call
Sylvia for as long as I want! She's only $5.99 a minute!
Dr. F: Frank has seems to have gotten too close to the experiment, I hope
it has the same effect....
[SOL]
Joel: No effect what so ever, sir.
Tom: Nope...nothing...[looks around] Where's Crow?
[Keyboard typing can be heard off to the left]
Crow: Let's see...carbon copy to Stinky, and Guppy, and Booger, and...
Tom: Ho boy...You better not be using my account on AOL, Crow!
Joel: [sighs] What do you think, sirs? [hits the Mad's button]
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: You may have won, this time, Batman, but I will get you next
time...oh, yes, I *will* get you next time....muahahahaahha!
[fwoosh!]
[SOL]
[All immediately fall asleep]
-----
***************************************************************
* "R!" - Tim Yuen ** MST3K! Animaniacs! Freakazoid! **
* "L!" - Me! Thwipaw!** Pinky and the Brain! Earthworm Jim!**
************************ Is there anything else I watch?? **
** MST3K Member *** Well, there's Sliders... ***
*** #50243 *****http://netnow.micron.net/~yakkojr/****
***************************************************************
"Wilford" Bryan "Wolf" Chaney wbw...@u.washington.edu
http://weber.u.washington.edu/~wbwolf
"Say...what kind of crazy wolf are you anyways?" Minerva Mink, Animaniacs
"Some of my best friends are Warner Brothers" - Groucho Marx
A! JW22 YW++i^ WK+ DT+++i!^ PI+ BR+ SL+++r!:'^ SK+ RI+: MM+!/0^ KK---
Wilford++i P++ I+++ Ddpfaw Tow $+++d Vr+j++t++ IV! E59b Ee30 TBrain245