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MiSTed: The Project [2/2]

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Jamas Enright

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Jan 27, 1997, 3:00:00 AM1/27/97

MIKE: I can't believe that Katie wrote that. Some crossovers should just
not be.
TOM: I'd like to see a Sliders/Beavis and Butthead crossover.
CROW: Or how about Profiler meets Friday the 13th?
MIKE: X-Files and Millenium.
TOM: Too easy, Mike. I'm thinking Lassie and Dark Skies.
CROW: Superman on Red Dwarf.
MIKE: I can see a Doctor Who vs. Barney.
TOM: But what I don't like about this thing, is that it features us!
CROW: Yeah, just imagine if the X-Files invesigated a show about stupid
paranormal stories and conspiracy theories.
MIKE: I think I saw a Nowhere Man episode like that.
BOTS: Aw, no. Don't take us there, Mike.

ALL: BAD FANFIC SIGGNNN!!!

[6..5..4..3..2..@..]

CROW: Does this mean we're halfway done?
MIKE: I hope so.

>Part 2/2 of The Project.
>Disclaimers in Part 1.

MIKE: "None of these characters are mine"
CROW: "Your mileage may vary"
TOM: "Offer void in Alaska and Hawaii."

>
>
>3170 W. 53 Rd. #35
>Annapolis, M.D.
>January 26, 11:21 P.M.

MIKE: It was a cold, snowy day...
TOM: Somewhere, children were building snowforts.

> Dana Scully sat curled up in her favorite armchair, reading the
>same book she'd been trying to finish for months.

CROW: Yeah, it took me awhile to get through _Memnoch_the_Devil_, too...
TOM: Was it worth it?
CROW: No.

> Inevitably, something
>came up and she didn't get more than a few pages done. Tonight, luckily,
>there hadn't been any disturbances for over an hour, unless you counted
>Queequeg's constant yapping.

TOM: Hey! It's ole gator-bait!
MIKE: Tom, that's mean...
TOM: Well...

> Taking her eyes off the pages of the novel, she began to think
>about their current case.

CROW: Her and Queequeg have a case?

> Mulder was actually interested, but nothing had
>turned up so far. She couldn't see any point in continuing the
>investigation. There was no evidence of any supernatural occurrences or
>government conspiracies, their usual case topics. Although when Mulder
>got a "hunch" or "feeling" about a case, he had an annoying tendency to be
>right.

ALL: We know, we know!

> At the moment, Scully hadn't heard from Mulder for a while, so she
>assumed he was checking up on facts with one of his informants.

CROW: Or going through and categorizing his Playboys.

> The shrill ring of her cell phone on the stand next to her almost
>made her jump.

MIKE: <as Scully> AH! Don't do that!

> *A little too much quiet can get to you*, she thought,
>picking up the phone.
> "Scully."

CROW: Why is she calling herself?

> "How soon can you get ready to fly?

TOM: <as Scully> Well, I'll have to get my hang-glider out of the shop...

> Even without a name, she knew
>who it was.

MIKE: I should hope so- they've been working together for four years.
CROW: <as Scully> Impolite little bastard; can't even bother to say "hi"...

> "This morning, I guess. Why Minnesota? It's colder there
>than at Icy Cape."

TOM: Yeah, but the people are nicer- they don't try to shoot you!

> "There's this obscure division of NASA, the Gizmonic Institute,

CROW: WHAT?
TOM: Gizmonic is a division of NASA...? <deep sigh> Ok, what did Katie
take before writing this story??

>where apparently there's connections to both Joel Robinson and SOL-101883.
> It's all we've got so far. Oh, yeah, Frohike says hi."

MIKE: <as Mulder> Oh, and what are you wearing?
CROW: <as Scully> Frohike wanted to know what I was wearing?
CROW: <as Mulder> No, I do.

> Scully chuckled. "So when do I need to meet you at the airport?"
> "Get there by 5:00, if you can wake up by then.

MIKE: <as Scully> Ummm, I'm already awake. Doi.

> This trip
>shouldn't take long, just a few days unless we get something really big."

CROW: Hehehe...

> "Good, and I...."
> A crash sounded from the back of her apartment. Dropping the
>phone, Scully leapt up from her chair and lunged for the gun she kept in
>her nightstand. Cautiously, she crept towards the source of the sound.

MIKE: Oops. Let me guess- she's gonna get captured, and Mulder's gonna
have to save her.
CROW: Well, at least this fanfic has the same predictable plot lines as the
show.

>Suddenly, she felt a sharp sting in her arm. Looking down, she caught a
>glimpse of a tiny dart protruding from her shoulder as she crumpled to the
>ground.

ALL: <sigh>

> "Scully? Scully?!!"
>****************

TOM: <singing> Ad more life to your car- take it to the Star!
MIKE: We're REALLY stretching it now...

>
>Eden Prairie, Minnesota
>January 27, 1996, 2:44 a.m.

MIKE: It was cold and wet.
CROW: Somewhere, a guy's snot was freezing in his nostrils.
TOM: Ewwww...

>
> The pain began even before she was entirely awake. She groaned
>softly, trying unsuccessfully to move. Laboriously opening her tired
>eyelids, Scully awoke to a sight she'd rather not see.

TOM: A naked Joe Don Baker.

> She was no longer
>dressed in the clothes she had been taken in, but instead a bright red
>jumpsuit.

MIKE: She's looking at her clothes? What position is she in, anyway?
TOM: Wait... Does this mean they're gonna send Scully up to the SOL?
CROW: ALL RIGHT!
MIKE: Hey- maybe I don't want to get back to Earth after all! Woo-hoo!

> Around her was a

MIKE: Tiny,

> bare, twelve by twelve cell, barely large
>enough for the wooden chair she was strapped to.

CROW: Gillian Anderson strapped to a chair? I had a dream like this
once...
MIKE: Haven't we all?

> The walls were a blank
>white, scuffed and marked around the edges. The floor was clean gray
>concrete, except for a dark red stain in the right corner....*Oh, God*...
>Scully thought.

TOM: <as Scully> I'm not gonna get paid over-time for this, I just KNOW
it...

> A man was walking toward her, *no, not again*....She screamed
>incoherently, scraping her bare feet as she was dragged across the floor.
>She didn't want to do this again...it was too painful..."Oh, and Dana,
>today's experiment is called Manos..."*

TOM: Well, you gotta admit, having to watch _"Manos"_ WAS pretty painful...
CROW: To put it mildly!
MIKE: I'm glad I missed it...

> She knew why she had recognized
>Joel Robinson. She'd seen him before. He didn't see her, the trainees
>just watched from behind,

CROW: ..._The_Green_Door_...

> but she remembered him. *He must have made
>it..he must have gotten down...no wonder...*

TOM: So, how did SHE get down?
MIKE: I'm not sure she was ever "up">
TOM: Oh.

> Scully was snapped out of her thoughts by the scrape of a key in
>the lock. Instinctively, she tried to jump up from the chair, but
>remembered too late the straps holding her down.

MIKE: <as Scully> Oh, yeah... Doi...

> A youngish, brown
>haired man with a grey streak across both the top of his unruly hair and
>the side of his thick mustache came in the door. Dr. Forrester...

ALL: BOOO!
TOM: Wait- earlier he was "walking towards her", but now he's just entered
the room... I'm confused.
MIKE: So was Katie, apparently.

> "Hello, Dana. You're awake, I see. Remember me?"

TOM: He's rather hard to forget...
MIKE: I wish _I_ could forget him...

> Forrester asked
>in a cheery tone,

TOM: Dr. Forrester- being... "cheery"?
ALL: <shudder>

> chortling evilly. Groaning, Scully turned her head
>toward the wall. "What am I doing here again?"

CROW: <as Forrester> Are you kidding? You're Gillian Anderson! Do you
think I'd let YOU go???
MIKE & TOM: AH!
MIKE: Don't ever do that again, Crow...
CROW: Hehehe...

> Forrester only walked closer. "So the drug worked. Good, if you
>had forgotten, the first stage would have to be repeated. And we wouldn't
>want that, now would we?"

CROW: <as Scully> Not if it means watching "Manos" again!

> Scully lunged against the leather straps. "Let me out of here.
>What the hell do you think you're trying to pull?"

ALL: Hmmmm...
MIKE: Let's leave this alone, folks... I'm getting queasy at the thought
of Dr. Forrester and Scully...
CROW: Me, too, now that I think of it...

> Forrester laughed. "There's nothing much you can do about this,
>so stop trying. We'll let you out soon enough. You need your training if
>you're going to go up there."

MIKE: They _are_ sending her up here! ALL RIGHT!

> "What did you do to that man? What did you do to Joel?"

TOM: Sent him up into space and made him watch bad movies... DOI.

> The amused expression on the man's face fell.

TOM: And broke into tiny pieces.

> "How do you...never
>mind. I'll be back in the morning for your first experiment. Oh, I
>almost forgot. I came here to give you this..."

ALL: AH!
MIKE: NO!

> Forrester lunged forward with a needle, and Scully's mind was lost
>again in darkness.
>
>*************************

ALL: Ummmm....
MIKE: Nope... Let's just leave this one alone.
TOM: Ok.

>Kennedy, Florida Police HQ
>January 28, 1996, 3:04 P.M.

MIKE: It was a dark and stormy day...
TOM: Somewhere, people were watching crappy movies and actually _enjoying_
them.

>
> Without even a look at the guard booth at the entrance, Mulder
>stormed into the headquarters.

Mike: <as guard> Wait a minute! I need to see your pass! HEY!

> No one wanted to cross the haunted,
>unshaven version of the intelligent FBI agent who had come in last week.

TOM: It's a doppleganger!
ALL: AH!

>He passed to Joel's cell unhindered.

MIKE: Did Katie just say "hinder"?

> "You bastard...."
> Joel turned, facing the doorway, a look of surprise etched across
>his features.
> "What do you want now?"
> "Shut up and tell me what's going on here."

TOM: HEY! Stop talking to our creator like that!
CROW: Yeah!

> "God, why won't you people leave me alone?"

CROW & TOM: YEAH!

> "What do you know? What did you do to her?"

CROW: <opens mouth. Mike closes it>

> "Who?"
> Mulder turned away. "You should know."
> "Look. If I knew what was happening here in the first place, I
>wouldn't be here right now."

MIKE: Yeah, Mulder... You're yellin' at the wrong guy!
CROW: Gee, Mike- why do you care? You've never met Joel...
MIKE: Yeah, but I gotta feel for a the guy- What with us both being in the
same situation and all.
CROW: Ahhh...

> Mulder was silent. He wasn't exactly sure what he was doing.

TOM: Just like every other-
MIKE: Ok, ok- we've done that one to death, Servo...

>Feelings of helplessness and guilt had been plaguing him ever since Scully
>disappeared last night. He felt lost, practically unable to think.

TOM: How about now, Mike?
MIKE: Nah- too easy.

>Whatever was going on, Joel was the only link he had. He took a deep
>breath, trying to regain his control.

MIKE: <singing> I've got to... keep... control...
TOM: Hey, Carrie- RHPS reference!
MIKE: ...Who's Carrie?
TOM: Oh.... No one...
MIKE: ...Okaaay...

> "My partner...Scully...disappeared last night."
> Joel calmed a bit. "Why would I have anything to do with it?"

TOM: Because you were both in the same project?
CROW: HE doesn't know that...
TOM: I KNOW that...
CROW: Well, then why-
MIKE: Ok, ok, guys.. Just chill out...

> "I'm not sure. There was nothing I could do. I...I let her down
>again. She's all I have. The only one I can trust..."

MIKE: I thought Mulder didn't trust anyone?

> *Trust*...the word echoed in Joel's mind. "I don't think I can
>help you. Unless..."

MIKE: <as Joel> Why, it's so crazy-
ALL: It just might work!!!

> "What?"
> Joel sighed. He just wasn't sure. But what was there to lose
>anymore?

MIKE: Yeah, I mean, after you've been forced to star in a crappy fanfic,
there's really nowhere to go but up.

> "If I'm right about what happened to your partner, she would
>have a mark..." Joel turned to Mulder, pulling down the collar of his
>shirt to reveal a small, circular red mark on his shoulder. "...like
>mine."

MIKE: Ummm... Isn't the mark on their neck?

> Mulder sighed. "The implant."
> Joel looked up in surprise. "You knew about the implant? Most of
>the test subjects don't even know about it, I didn't find out until the
>second year."

TOM: While watching _Ring_of_Terror_.
CROW: Good one, Tom.

> "Scully found a tiny chip lodged in her upper back. It was
>removed, though."
> Joel turned away. "I guess I was right. God, I wish I wasn't.

TOM: So do we.

>The only reason they would take her back would be if he had decided to use
>her." This was it.

MIKE: What was it?
CROW: Who's talking here?

> " You need to know. You might not believe what I have
>to say."

MIKE: This is MULDER- he believes anything!

> Mulder almost laughed. "Mr. Robinson,

CROW: <as Mulder> Are you tyring to seduce me?
MIKE: CROW!
CROW: You didn't mind when I said it about Scully!
TOM: Yeah, Mike- don't be so heterosexist.
MIKE: All right, all right. Oh, and Tom...
TOM: Yes?
MIKE: Never use that word again.

> I've dealt with things much
>stranger than most people would encounter in a horror movie.

MIKE: He DOES work for the government, after all.

> I think you
>can trust me."

TOM: Wait- he doesn't trust anyone, but expects everyone to trust HIM?

> "What I wouldn't give to trust someone."
> "Are you going to tell me what happened to you?"
> "I think your partner was taken to the testing grounds for the SOL
>project. There are...were...lots of us. They'd take people from all
>over, all ages, all ethnic groups, children from nine years old to adults
>of almost ninety. The experiments they performed were crueller than
>anything imaginable.

TOM: They made you watch BAD movies, for cryin' in the beer! Gee, this
isn't the Spanish Inquisition!
CROW: NO-body expects the Spanish Inquisition!

> And I don't even know why. I've lost years,
>probably the rest of my life to this damn project and I don't even know
>why."

TOM: Because Dr. Forrester wants to take over the world... Doi.

> Joel looked at Mulder, as if to read his thoughts.

MIKE: <as Joel> Are you reading my thoughts? Stop reading my thoughts!

> "You may not
>believe me, but I was one of the only ones to survive. Most of the
>others...they were too weak...they couldn't take it anymore. Some of
>them, some just died under the pressure. Others just ended it. I wish I
>had. Because I was stronger than the rest, they picked me. An honor,
>they said, to be chosen.

CROW: Whee!
TOM: <sarcasm sequencer, as Joel> Oh, gee, I'm so HONORED to be chosen for
your little "project"...

> "I lost six and a half years of my life to their project.
>Finally, finally I escaped from that awful satellite.

TOM: And left us behind!
CROW: AAAAAHH!

> I think I'm free.

MIKE: <singing> I-i'm freee! And freedom tastes of reality!

>And then...this."

TOM: What? What?

> Joel gestured at the bare cell around him. Mulder was speechless
>for a moment. "And Scully..."
> "Will be next."
> "Come with me. I'm getting you out of here."

TOM: Woo-hoo- jailbreak!!

>********************
>Gizmonic Institute
>Eden Prairie, Minnesota
>January 29, 1996, 2:50 p.m.

MIKE: It was hot-
CROW: Can we STOP that, please...
MIKE: <sigh>

>
> Joel's eyes were fixed on the doorway.

TOM: Then he took them off and put them back in his head!

> He'd never wanted to come
>back here. As much as he wanted to help Mulder, the sight of the
>Institute had called up memories he'd tried so hard to suppress. *Pull
>yourself together*...Joel breathed deeply, and followed Mulder inside.

TOM: Well, I see Gizmonic is as well guarded as NASA...
MIKE: You have to break through 15 levels of code to get into their
computer, but then you can just walk right into their front door!

> Mulder was a little surprised at the normal look of the Institute.
>From what Joel had told him, he had almost expected it to be a dark,
>sinister place full of dungeons and torture devices...

TOM: Oh, no, they keep those in the basement.
CROW: Well, actually...
TOM: Yeah...

>Instead, it was a well maintained, cheerfully lit building with busy
>scientists walking through the wide hallways. The Lone Gunmen seemed to
>think it would be like that, too. They had called earlier to admit that
>their search had turned up nothing. Of course, Joel could help him more
>than the files. "Can you show me where the testing area is?"

TOM: Uh-oh... I hope Joel's good at tests...
MIKE: I always get so nervous...

> Sighing, as if reluctant to go,

TOM: Well, seeing as Katie has made out Gizmonic to be part of the evil
"shadow government", and made Dr. Forrester out to be akin to Satan
himself, How do you expect him to react?!

> Joel nodded. "Yeah. It's
>restricted access, but I was a janitor here and the handprint panel should
>still be programmed with my pattern. I hope. Follow me."

MIKE: Well, of cooourrrssee... He left Gizmonic 2 years ago, and they
know he's nuts, but they'll still have his handprint programmed in
their computers...
TOM: Of COURSE...

> Mulder had a chance to look around as they passed long corridors,
>laboratories, and waiting rooms. Workers bustled about, all dressed in
>similar red jumpsuits.

MIKE: I prefer blue jumpsuits, myself...

> The scientists wore the trademark white lab coats,
>but with a bright red and yellow patch bearing their name. Mulder glanced
>at the cafeteria.

TOM: But don't try the "mystery meat".
CROW: I wonder if that's what they do with all the subjects who don't make
it?
MIKE: CROW!

> Tables were dotted around a central circular enclosure
>bearing the Gizmonic logo and the words "Big G Burger". Carts were being
>pushed through the halls around him, holding vials, test tubes and even a
>cage of tiny white mice.

TOM: <as Pinky> What are we gonna do tonight, Brain?
CROW: <as Brain> The same thing we do every night, Pinky- TRY TO TAKE OVER
THE WORLD!

> Everybody passing flashed him

MIKE: WHOAH!

> a smile.

MIKE: Oh.

> It was
>hard to believe anything so sinister was going on here.

MIKE: Isn't this the same guy who finds menace and conspiracy lurking
around every corner?

> However, when they reached the basement, the scenery became
>significantly more threatening. Tubes and pipes criss-crossed overhead,
>and a steady dripping could be heard from an adjoining corridor.

MIKE: With all the money they make, you think they could fix a leaky
faucet...
TOM: Either that or they just walked onto the _Aliens_ set.

> The
>passageway was barely lit, and seemingly deserted. As if sensing Mulder's
>thoughts,

TOM: Boy, EVERYONE in this story can read minds...
CROW: Good thing Scully couldn't read Dr. F's mind when he had her strapped
to that chair...

> Joel remarked "No one comes down here much."
> Abruptly, the corridor ended. A metal door was fit into the wall,
>with an iridescent lime green panel next to it. Joel's face tensed. If
>they had changed this thing, he didn't know what he would do. For all he
>knew, it could even be booby trapped to his ID.

TOM: No- that would make too much sense...

> Swallowing his fear,

CROW: Which tasted a lot like Pep-o-mint Lifesavers...

> Joel
>walked up to the panel. Pressing his hand lightly against it, the green
>plastic seemed to almost melt to conform to the shape of his hand. A
>chime sounded, and a female voice spoke from some unseen speaker.
>"Welcome, Joel."

TOM: OF COURSE...

> Soundlessly, the elevator doors slid open. Joel breathed a sigh
>of relief. A bit dazed, Mulder

TOM: He should stop sniffing glue...

> followed Joel passively into the chamber.
>There were two buttons in the wall next to the doors. "Door Open" and
>"Door Close".

MIKE: Well, gee, what other options are there?

> "How do you get to the right floor? There aren't any other
>buttons."

TOM: Hello? Who's talking in this scene??

> Joel didn't bother to look up. "There's only one floor to go to."

MIKE: <menacingly> Du-du-dum...

> As the doors closed again, an emblem with a triangle painted the
>same lime green as the panel showed. Words across it read: "Deep 13"

ALL: BOOOOO!!!

> in
>large white letters. Whirring softly, the elevator began to travel
>downward alarmingly fast.

MIKE: And Mulder's lunch was coming UP alarmingly fast...
'BOTS: Ewww...

> Mulder looked a bit nervous. "Is this thing
>safe?"

TOM: <as Joel> <laugh> Suuurre... Of course...

> "It's fine. We just have a long way to go."

CROW: <singing> It's a long way/ To Tipperary!

>****************
>
> Scully's head was throbbing. She couldn't take much more of this.
> Her forehead was dripping with sweat. "Please...please stop."

MIKE: DON'T even THINK about it, Crow...

> She spoke weakly. The dreadful images on the screen continued to
>play. A voice spoke from above her. "Stop? Why, we haven't even gotten
>to the good part yet. Oh, watch this."

TOM: So, let me get this straight- Crow and I have survived this for, what
7 years, and Scully can't stand a few hours? They probably aren't
even showing her "Manos"!

> Scully didn't move. She didn't want to have to see any more of
>the awful movie. Suddenly, an electric shock shot through her body.

MIKE: Hey, now- that's just plain unfair!
TOM: Yeah!
ALL: Boo!

>Leaping upright, she screamed as maniacal laughter drifted down. "Dana,
>the movie's no fun if you don't pay attention."

TOM: Actually, I find a lot of the movies a lot more fun if you don't pay
attention.
MIKE: I dunno, I just think Scully needs a couple friends like you two to
help her riff the movies like we do!
TOM: Yeah!
<ALL make general partying noises>

> Trying to avert her gaze without letting Forrester notice, she
>glimpsed a quick movement out of the corner of her eye.

MIKE: <as Scully> AH! A mouse! AAAHH!

> Craning her neck
>a little to see behind her, she saw the top of a messy head of brown hair
>slowly creeping down the aisle behind her. *Mulder*....

CROW: Uh-oh... She's starting to have delusions...
MIKE: Sad, really...

> Looking away
>again, she tried desperately not to draw attention to him.

ALL: TOO LATE!

> But it was no
>use. Mulder knocked against a chair,

ALL: <laughing>
MIKE: And THIS guy is a special agent for the FBI?

> making a loud bang.

TOM: <falsetto> What was the bang?
MIKE: Oh... That's pretty obscure...

> "What was
>that!?"

TOM: I just said that!

> Forrester leapt from the glass viewing booth behind her.

CROW: And zipped up his pants...
MIKE: CROW!
TOM: Oh, THANKS, Crow! I'm gonna have nightmares now!
CROW: Ummm... Actually, so am I...
MIKE: Oh, that's it, Crow, no RAM chips for you tonight...

> Jumping
>up from her chair, Scully sprinted up the aisle of the dark movie theater,

MIKE: But got stuck on all the junk that the others had left on the
theater floor...
TOM: Oh, I hate that...

>hoping to distract Forrester enough for Mulder to get away.

TOM: Scully save Mulder? Ha! Like THAT ever happens...
MIKE: It happened once! Only once...

> Seeing her,
>Mulder jumped up from his hiding place. "Scully!" Scully frowned. There
>was obviously no use in trying to divert Forrester now.

CROW: I dunno- he's pretty dumb...

> He was headed
>right toward them. "Mulder, run!"

TOM: <as Mulder> Thanks, Scully, I NEVER woulda thought of that by myself!

> He didn't move.

TOM: Ok, so maybe he wouldn't have...

> "Get out of here NOW!"
> But by then it was too late. Forrester ran up behind Mulder,
>knocking him to the floor.

MIKE: Boy, they've REALLY lowered the IQ requirements for getting into the
FBI, haven't they?

> Scully tried to push Forrester away, but she
>was already weak

TOM: Weak... from watching bad movies...??

> and no match for the large scientist.

MIKE: Wait... I thought we were talking about FORRESTER?
TOM: "Large"?? Has Katie actually WATCHED _MST3K_, you think?
CROW: What's _MST3K_?
TOM: ...Never mind...

> Mulder jumped to
>his feet, kicking Forrester sharply in the stomach.

MIKE: Oh, NOW he does something...

> In the moment it took
>for him to recover, Mulder whipped his gun from his pocket. "Don't you
>dare move!"

TOM: Knowing Forrester, he's just wet his pants...

> Forrester looked stunned for a moment. "Damn you FBI people.
>Don't you go anywhere unarmed?"

MIKE: <as Mulder> Ummm... No?

> "Shut up and come with me. We're taking you in."

TOM: Yeah, uh-huh.. THAT'LL happen...
CROW: Doesn't really matter; he knows Cancer Man, he'll be out before the
paperwork's dry.

> Forrester shook his head, seeming to laugh to himself.

MIKE: He does that a lot... I'm worried about him...
TOM: Really?
MIKE: Well... No, not really.

> "I don't
>think so."

CROW: <as Dr. F> Oh, I don't THINK so...
MIKE: Don't DO that!
TOM: He's scaring me, Mike...
MIKE: <holding TOM> It's ok...

> Lunging quickly for Mulder, he managed to push him to the ground,
>knocking the gun out of his grasp. Scully leapt towards the weapon, but
>not before Forrester grabbed it from her.

MIKE: <speechless for a second> Dr. Forrester- OUR Dr. Forrester just
bested TWO FBI agents??!
TOM: OH, Katie, Katie, Katie...

> "I really don't like
>roughhousing.

MIKE: <as Dr. F> Unless it involves leather and Vaseline...
<short pause>
ALL: Ewwww...

> Dana, I think we're going to have to start your transport
>earlier than predicted.

TOM: Beam 'er up, Scotty!

> But first," he cocked the gun, "I'd better take
>care of your troublesome partner."

TOM: So, Dr. F. is gonna kill Mulder... I don't know whether to boo or
cheer...
MIKE: TOM!
TOM: Hehehe...

> Suddenly, his legs were knocked out from under him. Joel sprang
>up, gesturing to the agents. "Run! While you have the chance...."

TOM: JOEL!
CROW: YAY!!!
ALL: JOEL! JOEL! JOEL!

> He was cut off by a whack from the butt of the gun.

ALL: BOOO!

> "You've
>caused me enough trouble already, Joel. Why can't you just stay wherever
>you were? You won. You don't have to rub my face in it."

TOM: <as Joel> Oh, but it's so much fun!

> As Joel jumped for the gun again, Scully tried to pull Mulder
>away. "Let's get out of here before we get killed too."

CROW: Oh, geez, thanks for NOTHIN', Scully!
MIKE: Boo!

> He just stared
>at her blankly.

TOM: So, it's just like every other-
MIKE: TOM!

> "We can't just leave him."

MIKE: Yeah!
CROW: Good for you, Mulder!

> Mulder tried to go to help
>Joel, but Scully pulled him back. "I don't want you getting shot.
>Please."

TOM: This is getting SO depressing...
MIKE: "Getting"?

> In silence, they watched the struggle.

MIKE: They're TWO FBI agents; and they're just standing there!?

> Joel had succeeded in pushing Forrester up against a wall.

ALL: JOEL! JOEL! JOEL!

>Lashing out with his foot, Forrester shoved him violently away. "I've had
>enough of these games."

MIKE: Oh, they're playing Parcheesi!

> Without a word, Forrester fired the gun.
> He was too close to miss.

ALL: AAAAAHHH!!!
TOM: JOEL!
MIKE: NO!!!!
CROW: Damn you, KATIE!!!!

> Running with the weapon still clutched in his hand, Forrester
>disappeared down a corridor.

CROW: Oh, gee- the bad guy got away- THERE'S a shock...
TOM: Just like every-
CROW & MIKE: TOM!

> Mulder ran to Joel's side. A widening pool
>of blood was spreading from Joel's chest.

TOM: <sobbing> This isn't happening...
MIKE: Oh, boy...

> His dazed blue eyes fluttered
>open. "Mulder..."

CROW: <with effort, as Joel> I love you...
MIKE: <tying to be cheerful> Good one, Crow...

> Mulder tried to stop the bleeding, but there was nothing he could
>do.

MIKE: I'm an FBI agent, not a doctor!
CROW: Wait, isn't Scully a doctor.
MIKE: Yeah, but not a very good one. Most of the people she works are
already dead!

> "Mulder, it wasn't your fault. My life wasn't worth the trouble
>anymore. I..."

TOM: That's not trrrrrue... Joel...

> His voice faltered as he coughed weakly. "...I forgot how
>to trust anyone.

MIKE: <nervously> So... He and Mulder have a lot in common, eh guys?
Guys?
<Both 'bots are sobbing>

> You still...you still have the chance...don't waste
>it...."
> And with a sad sigh, he was gone.

CROW: NOOO!!!!
TOM: DAAAADDDDDDDDDYYYYY!!! <Tom's dome EXPLODES. Crow and Mike scream in
shock>
MIKE: You know, We could deal with _Radar_Secret_Service_... We lived
through McElwain... We even survived RATLIFF. But this time, Dr.
Forrester- This time YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!!
CROW: <between sobs> And it's not even over! JOOOELLLL...
MIKE: Ummm.. Maybe you two should go lie down... I'll finish this...
<MIKE hands Tom to Crow, and they leave the theater>

>*******************
>FBI Headquarters
>February 1, 1996, 2:52 p.m.

MIKE: I dunno know who to hate more... Dr. F or Katie...

>
> "Mulder."
> Scully gently touched her partner's arm. With a start, he looked
>up at her with hollowed eyes. "Scully...I must have drifted off."

MIKE: <as Scully> Oh, you always fall asleep...

> "Mulder, we need to talk about what happened. Look, you tried.
>There was just nothing you could do. Hell, I'm more to blame than you. I
>was the one that wouldn't let you go to him. I...I just didn't want to
>lose you for nothing."

MIKE: Awww... How sweet... <makes retching sound>

> Mulder sighed. "I don't know. I should have helped him, I could
>have done something."

MIKE: So why didn't you, Nimrod??

> "Yeah, gotten yourself killed. What would that do?"

MIKE: Well, a lot of the fans would be happy...

> "He actually trusted me. I let him down. I let everybody down."

MIKE: Whine, whine, whine...

> "Are you kidding? You saved my life...or at least my sanity. I
>don't know what I'd do without you."

MIKE: Get a vibrator? Oh, Lord, Crow's rubbing off on me...

> Mulder looked away. "Without me, you wouldn't be in this mess to
>begin with, and you wouldn't have lost your sister and three months of
>your life. I can't say I'm quite a good influence. You'd probably be
>better off if you'd never even heard of 'Spooky' Mulder."

MIKE: Well, I'll give ya that...

> "Mulder, this isn't just your 'quest' anymore. It's mine, too.
>And I can't imagine not having you around."

MIKE: Try, dear...

> "I couldn't take it if you disappeared again."
> "You don't have to worry about me. I can take care of myself."

MIKE: Which is why Mulder has to save you in every episode, right?

> "I know. I just keep thinking about what Joel said. You're the
>only person I really trust. I can't lose that. It's too important to
>me."
> "Me too."

MIKE: I think I'm gonna be ill...

> Not wanting to break the silence, both sat together in the dim
>room.

MIKE: <as Scully> Let's just cuddle, ok?

> They had both lost so much, and were still so far from the truth.

MIKE: So, it's just like every other week...

>Guiltily looking at her watch,

MIKE: She's guilty for looking at her watch?

> Scully sighed. "Mulder, I have a meeting
>in a minute. Are you going to be okay?"

MIKE: Is he ever?

> Mulder's face remained drawn and tired. "Yeah."

MIKE: <as Mulder> I'm not tired, I'm just drawn that way!

> Turning, Scully began to walk out the door. Mulder spoke again.
>"Scully, thanks."
> "For what?"
> "For being my friend."

MIKE: Yeah, ok, whatever... <sigh of relief> It's over! Thank God!
Katie! You got some 'splainin' to do!
<Mike gets up and leaves in disgust>

CROW: Joel, we hardly knew ya.
TOM: It was too soon. A bright light extinguished from the sky.
CROW: To think that you would ever meet your end.

GYPSY: Hey, guys, what's up? <looks around> Ooh, who died?

MIKE: Gypsy, the guys are sad because Joel died in a fanfic.
GYPSY: How can that be? I just read a great story where he defeats the evil
of Doctor Forrestor. I found it while looking for pictures of Richard
Baseheart.
MIKE: Hmm, think you could transmit it to the guys?
GYPSY: Sure, hook us up.

GYPSY: "3000: A Space Oddity" go!

BOTH: Joel!
BOTH: <shudder> Splunkies.
BOTH: Would you like fries with that?
BOTH: The Fictional-Character-Creating Machine of Death (patent pending)!
BOTH: Beeper!
BOTH: ToRgO!
TOM: Baragon!
CROW: Gaos!
TOM: Guiron!
CROW: The Stinky Guy!
BOTH: Teenagers from Outer Space!
BOTH: TOR!
BOTH: MR. B NATURAL! AAIIEE!!

TOM: Oh, wow, I feel so much better now.
CROW: We let one crappy fanfic get to us, and look what happens.
MIKE: You can't believe everything you read. Just because one person
writes it, doesn't make it so.
TOM: That sounds suspiciously like a moral.
CROW: You're right. Get him!

MIKE: What do you think, sirs?

DR F: You may have survived that, but I nearly broke you. Next time, I'll
get you. You and your dog.
PEARL: They don't have a dog.
DR F: Well, then I'll give them a dog, and then I'll get it.

MULDER: <from other side> FBI. Open up.

MULDER: We believe you are performing experiments that endanger people's
lives.
DR F: You'll never prove anything!

DR F: Well, looks like this may not have been a waste after all. Expect a
new delivery soon, boys.

<Grinning, Dr. F strides forwards and pushes the button.>

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fwshhhh

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

No personal attack on the author intended, just on what she wrote.

"3000: A Space Oddity" was written by Mike Barklage, and can be found at
his web page at http://rtt.colorado.edu/~barklage/mst/mst.html (as well as
Ratliff horror).

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