MSTing--"make MONEY with your COMPUTER"
Silas Janzen
I decided to try my hand at msting. I showed this one to my friend (at
least part of it), and he loved it, so, encouraged, I decided to share
it with you. I hope I did a good job (I'm not one of those people who
sees MST3K the movie and just jumps right in, I've probably seen over 15
episodes and nearly 3,000 pages of MSTings...yikes, when i look
back...yikes.)
Anyways, I sure hope i got Mike's behavior (and the bots') down alright,
and I hope all you like it. I sure enjoyed writing it. So, without any
further ado, (insert fanfare here) The MSTing! (by the way, I would love
your feedback.)
You can find this MSTing (and others, shortly) archived (ad-free!) at
http://members.shaw.ca/silasjanzen/mysteryspam.html.
Legal stuff: MST3K is owned by Best Brains. The first spam is owned by
freejobonline. The second spam is owned by Loretta.
-------------------------------------
[roll credits for season 6]
[SoL. MIKE is standing next to CROW in front of that table.]
MIKE: Hey, Mike Nelson here, and we've all been up here for a couple
weeks without head or tail of a bad movie.
CROW: At first we thought It'd be pretty cool--
[TOM SERVO zips onto screen, wearing a party hat]
TOM: We had a great party. Still recovering from that one. Hoo-boy.
[TOM zips off screen without another word]
CROW: Yeah.
MIKE: Anyways, we started to have second thoughts about it.
CROW: Life is _boring_ without those bad movies to riff.
[ALL fall silent. GYPSY comes on screen and does her characteristic
_sigh_. TOM zips on screen and stands there as well. Mike taps his
fingers on the desk. After a seconds, the MADS light flashes.]
MIKE: HEY!
TOM: Finally!
MIKE: You said it!
[taps the button]
[D13]
[Dr. F is smiling in his own special way. He scribbles something on a
clipboard.]
Dr. F: Excellent. Just as I suspected. <looks up> Oh, hello labrats! In
a second, you will be eating those words, because not only have I been
conducting my experiment, I've come up with an even _better_ way to
crush your souls.
[SoL]
[ALL have their mouths wide in shock. MIKE manages to speak.]
MIKE: Wh-wh-what?
[D13]
Dr. F: Well, firstly, we are now in text format.
[SoL]
MIKE <blinks>: We are?
[D13]
Dr F. <ignoring mike>: Today, You have a spam peice called "Create a
PAYCHECK with your COMPUTER", along with a short by someone who
apparently has discovered a drug to cure everything with absolutely no
effort. Enjoy! Push the button, Frank.
[SoL]
MIKE: Spam?!
CROW: This is all your fault, Mike!
MIKE: What? What'd I do--Oh, we got movie siiiiiign!
[lights flash, alarms sound, general panic]
[door sequence]
[theater]
>
> Subject: Grow Younger, lose weight, perform better
CROW: Perform better?
MIKE: When you're older.
>
> Human = Growth Hormone
TOM: Human equals growth hormone?
CROW: Does not compute! Does not compute!
=
> = =
MIKE: What's with all the equals signs?
TOM: hmm...
As = seen on NBC, CBS, and CNN, and even Oprah!
CROW: What's so special about Oprah?
The health
> = discovery
TOM <german scientist>: Eureka! Heath = discovery!
that actually reverses aging
MIKE: He's invented a time machine!
while burning fat,
CROW: And we all know how well fat burns.
MIKE: Mmm-hmm.
=without=
TOM: Man, this guy uses equals signs like most spammers use $$$ $ign$ OR
CAPTITALS.
> dieting or exercise!
<ALL fall out of their chairs. We hear laughing from the floor before
all three surface again.>
TOM <through chuckles>: And while consuming an entire tub of onion dip!
This proven discovery has even
CROW: --Been laughed at by millions of internet users.
> = been reported in the New England Journal of Medicine.
> = Forget aging and dieting forever! And it's Guaranteed!= =
> = = Doctor = Formulated HGH
CROW: Home Grown Hash?
>
> = Reduce body fat and build lean muscle
CROW: Yeah, I'll take 3 pounds of that lean muscle.
WITHOUT EXERCISE!
MIKE: Yeah, I'm gonna just sleep for three days and when I wake up, I'll
be He-Man. Sure.
> = * Enhance sexual = performance
MIKE: Not a word, guys.
> = * Remove wrinkles and = cellulite
TOM: cellulite?
CROW: It's the low-fat version of cellu.
TOM: Ah.
> = * Lower blood pressure = and = improve cholesterol profile
> = * Improve sleep, vision
CROW: Isn't that what LSD is for?
MIKE: That's _visions_, crow.
= and = memory
> = * Restore hair color and = growth
CROW: Yeah, no exersise is _sure_ to increase growth.
> = * Strengthen the immune = system
> = * Increase energy and = cardiac = output
> = * Turn back your body's = biological = time clock 10-20 years
>
MIKE: How does he know I swallowed that watch in grade five?
> Check = Out Our New Advanced Formula =
> = = Free = Information And Get 1 Month Supply Of = HGH
TOM: Hugging Giant Hippos?
> =
> Select = Here
>
> =
> To not = receive
>
> =
> = =
CROW: Yaaay! It's over!
MIKE: One left to go.
[the screen simply cuts to the next email, as with other eps.]
>Subject: Create a PAYCHECK with your COMPUTER
TOM: Mike, so they're saying I can forge a paycheck on my PC?
CROW: Cool! I'm gonna--
MIKE: Not so fast, guys.
ROBOTS: Aww...
>
>Date: Wed, 11 Sep 2002 08:37:51 +1100
>From: loretta...@bigfoot.com
TOM: Yay for randomly generated email adresses!
ALL <monotone>: Yay.
>To: lor...@prod.shaw.ca
>
> You get emails every day, offering to show you how to make money.
CROW: "Subject: How to make money by prostitution."
MIKE: You just watch yourself, buddy.
> And they expect you to listen to them?
>
> Enough.
CROW: Enough what?
TOM: Enough rotten fruit!
MIKE: Enough short pants!
CROW: Enough spam!
>
> If you want to make money with your computer,
CROW: Sell it!
> then you should
> hook up with a group that is actually DOING it.
ALL: Eww!
We are making
> a large,
MIKE <nerdy voice>: --Scale replica of the U.S.S. Enterprise!
> continuing income every month.
TOM: It just keeps going and going and going...
What's more - we will
> show YOU how to do the same thing.
CROW: Well, nearly the same thing.
>
> This business is done completely by internet and email,
CROW: And internet.
TOM: And email.
CROW: And email.
TOM: And internet.
MIKE: Okay, guys. Cut it out.
and you
> can even join for free to check it out first.
TOM: All we require is the eternal damnation of your soul.
If you can send
> an email, you can do this. No special "skills" are required.
MIKE: Which means...they're not _real_ skills...?
TOM: We accept artificial skills!
>
> How much are we making?
TOM: Well, next to nothing!
Anywhere from $2000 to $9000 per month.
TOM: That's an expensive lease.
> We are real people,
MIKE: And we have feelings too!
and most of us work at this business part-time.
> But keep in mind, we do WORK at it
CROW: Yeah, that playdoh can be really hard to mold if you don't WORK at
it first.
MIKE: D'oh!
I am not going to
> insult your intelligence
CROW: That's okay. I'll do it for you.
do no work,
> and rake in the cash. That kind of job does not exist.
MIKE: It does, however, on planet Spam.
But if
> you are willing to put in 10-12 hours per week, this might be
> just the thing you are looking for.
CROW: No, I think the thing i was looking for was a slightly different.
Close, though. Nice try.
> This is not income that is determined by luck, or work that is
> done FOR you - it is all based on your effort. But, as I said,
> there are no special skills required.
MIKE: Note the use of the word "special".
And this income is RESIDUAL -
> meaning that it continues each month (and it tends to increase
> each month also).
TOM: Uh, Mike? For some reason, I can't parse that scentence.
MIKE: Just take it easy, little buddy.
> Interested? I invite you to find out more. You can get in as a
> free member, at no cost,
TOM <darkly>: Except...YOUR LIFE!
and no obligation to continue if you
> decide it is not for you.
MIKE: Oh, great this is like those "five CD's for one cent" ads.
We are just looking for people who still
> have that "burning desire"
MIKE <singing>: I'm just a hunk a hunk a burnin' looove...
CROW: Please don't ever do that again.
to find an opportunity that will reward
> them incredibly well, if they work at it.
>
> To grab a FREE ID#, simply reply to: vllo...@yahoo.com
> and in the body of the email, write this phrase:
TOM: "Bite me."
>
> "Grab me a free membership!"
TOM: And then put it back again! <chuckles>
>
> Be sure to include your:
TOM: Soul!
> 1. First name
> 2. Last name
> 3. Email address (if different from above)
>
> We will confirm your position
CROW: --Money launderer--
and send you a special report
> as soon as possible, and also Your free Member Number.
>
> That's all there's to it.
MIKE: Well, that and some other stuff I fogot to mention.
>
> We'll then send you info, and you can make up your own mind.
>
> Looking forward to hearing from you!
>
> Sincerely,
CROW: XQJ245344G?
> Loretta
CROW: Ah.
>
> P.S. After having several negative experiences with network
> marketing companies I had pretty much given up on them.
> This is different - there is value, integrity, and a
TOM:--Big, juicy slice of pie. Mmm-mmm good!
> REAL opportunity to have your own home-based business...
MIKE:...Not! Ha ha!
> and finally make real money on the internet.
CROW: Money...Internet...for some reason, those words just GO together.
>
> Don't pass this up..you can sign up and test-drive
TOM: Vroom!
the
> program for FREE. All you need to do is get your free
> membership.
ALL: WE KNOW THAT!!!
>
> Unsubscribing: Send a blank email to: v_lo...@eudoramail.com with
> "Remove" in the subject line.
MIKE:...So I know to double your spam!
By submitting a request for a FREE DHS Club Membership, I agree to
accept email from the DHS Club for both their consumer and business
opportunities.
CROW: Translation: I'm going to spam your butt off as soon as I get hold
of your adress, you stupid pathetic gullible loser.
>
> 5343fGIA1-818vQpW8050dbYW7-l25
CROW: It's done!
MIKE: Let's get out of here.
<MIKE picks up TOM, and they all exit the theater>
[door sequence]
[SoL bridge]
MIKE: Man, that stunk.
CROW: Sure did.
TOM: And...there's going to be more next week! AAAAGH!
CROW: You know, Mike, I think the Mads might have finally won over us
with this one.
MIKE: NO! Guys, come on! We can pull through this! Think...Think of the
fourth wall!
CROW: Oh, yes our vei--readers! How could we forget THEM?
TOM: Yes...<calming down>...I could do it...for the readers.
MIKE: Great! I knew you guys could pull through! By the way, readers,
comments can be adressed to silas...@shaw.ca.
TOM: Right! So be sure to drop us a line.
[MIKE taps button]
[D13]
[Dr. Forrester is laughing manacally. FRANK glances nervously at him,
then sneaks past and pushes the button.]
\ /
\ /
PSSCH!
/ \
/ \
FIN