MiSTed: Field Of Dreams, Chapter 1 - Part 3 of 5, yeah, that's it
Spatch
Part Three of "Field Of Dreams, Chapter One" which has accumulated more
chapters since its original conception, I think. Writing along with me
this time is my good pal and partner in crime, Noah Smith, who will be
attending Vassar next fall (I know you're all thrilled to hear that.) It was
sort of a mini-group MiSTing, with both of us at computer terminals, staring
blankly at the monochromatic orange screen, trying to think of anything
pithy to write. Maybe we did, maybe we didn't. Noah would like to say
something now, so I'll let him:
Hi! I'd like to thank Spatch for giving me a chance to join in on this merry
adventure, and I'd just like to ask the author, Christopher Walck, what he
would do if the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation wrote a story about
HIM, killing him off in various gratitutious manners.
All right, thanks, Noah. Anyhow, on with the fanfic at hand. For those of
you keeping track, the crew of the Enterprise has been having terrible
dreams, and dying, all sorts of wonderful stuff. As for Mike and his
robot friends, they just spent an agonizing commercial break trying to console
Crow, who had had a bad dream which was entirely Tom Servo's fault. And now...
JACK PERKINS: Here is Part Three of that wonderful work of literary genius,
"Field Of Dreams, Chapter One." We hope you enjoy it.
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* ... 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...
[ the usual procession into the theater, MIKE carrying TOM, etc. ]
MIKE: Okay, separate corners, you two. I'm glad I sit in the middle so I don't
have to referee you two hitting each other.
CROW: He started it! He tried to get all my ramchips!
TOM: Did not, you started it by falling asleep!
> Chapter IV
CROW: Tom's gonna need an IV after I'm through with him!
TOM: Ooh, big talk, no action, little man.
>
> "Captain's Log: stardate 46782.3.
MIKE: Times the square root of negative 42.
> The deaths of my fellow officers and
> my crew has forced me to influence Starfleet Command that something is
> definitely wrong on board."
MIKE: What, did he think he could hide it?
CROW (as Picard): Crew? Uh, no, I never had a crew, what are you talking
about?
> Picard waited for the transmission to get to Earth.
TOM (as Picard): Boy, it never took this long to send a subspace with my old
long distance company.
> He felt uneasy as
> he sat there in his ready room. His friends and what he considered his
> family were all dying,
CROW: That meant no Christmas gifts this year for sure.
> with no cause.
MIKE: If there had been a cause he would have felt fine about it.
His heart felt heavy as he received a
> reply to his message from Starfleet Headquarters.
TOM: Okay, was his reply from Starfleet Headquarters, or was his message from
Starfleet Headquarters?
> The viewscreen lighted up
MIKE: Or for those of you who speak English, it lit up.
> and a picture of an admiral appeared.
CROW: Actually, it was a series of pictures relayed over his viewscreen in
sequence to give the illusion of motion.
TOM: If you'd like to learn more about animation, transmissions or the illusion
of motion, visit your local library, or, as Mr. Walck would probably
say, liberry.
> "This is Admiral Nacheyev to Captain Picard. Starfleet recognizes the
> incidents that have been happening on your ship over the last few days.
CROW: Yes, the incidents and we went to High School together.
TOM: Go Hurricanes!
> We
> have decided to relieve you of duty so you can return to Earth.
TOM: . . . and inform the families of every dead crewman that they won't be
getting any insurance because the Federation cut Starfleet's funding
this year.
MIKE: They will, however get a lovely condolence card and free passes to the
Ferrengi Ice Capades.
> There will
> be a vessel arriving in your sector in a few days. After that you will
> proceed
CROW: To do the hokey pokey.
TOM: And turn yourself around.
MIKE: That's what it's all about.
TOM: Well, that was random.
> home for a full investigation. Starfleet Command out."
CROW: That's right, Starfleet Command is out, but bell-bottoms are back in!
>
> * * *
MIKE: Hey, three stars, Ebert liked it!
TOM: Well, it's no "Manos": Hands of Fate.
MIKE: If you hated it so much, why do you keep bringing it up?
TOM: It haunts our dreams, Michael.
CROW: Tell me Clarice, do you now hear the silence of the Torgos?
>
> Worf looked around Ten-Forward.
TOM: Don't you mean Ten-Fworard?
CROW: So Worf is going to get a drink while all his crewmates are dead?
MIKE: Yeah, that does sound odd, maybe we're in another dream.
CROW: Ooooh! This is so confusing, they should sell road-maps at the
concession stand for this fanfic!
> He wondered where Guinan was. She
would have heard if anything out of the ordinary was said on the ship.
MIKE: Okay, that should have been either "were said" or "had been said."
> The
> investigation was going rather slow.
MIKE: Slowly.
> No leads had turned up and no suspects
> had turned up.
MIKE: I suppose there aren't any grammatical errors in that sentence, since
up isn't used as a preposition, but it certainly is repetetive.
CROW: Mike, you're getting anal.
MIKE: It's just that my tenth grade English teacher would be throwing a fit
right about now.
> Worf turned his head and Guinan walked through the doors at
> the other end of the room.
TOM: That's pretty cool, but wait'll you see what she does when Worf stands on
one foot.
> She walked twoards the bar
CROW: Hey Walck, Dan Quayle called, he wants his spelling ability back!
> and began to serve drinks
> to those who were waiting. Worf walked twoards the bar
TOM: Maybe "twoards" is a Klingon word or something. Did anyone go to Klingon
language camp this past summer?
MIKE: Yeah, I did. The coolest part was when we invaded that Romulan language
camp across the lake!
> and sat next to an
> engineering officer he didn't know.
MIKE: Boys and girls, you should never sit next to a strange engineering
officer.
TOM: All engineering officers are strange.
CROW: Hey man, I got some Dilithium crystals man, really good stuff!
> After a few minutes, Guinan made her
>way down to Worf. "Would you like anything, Mr. Worf?" she said.
TOM: Yes, I need love...
> "No thank you. But I do need to ask a question of you."
CROW: Was that a real tattoo we saw during the Academy Awards?
> His voice
> lowered, or tried to, so no one would be able to hear him. "Have you heard
> anything... unusual over the last couple of days?"
CROW (as Guinan): I'm sorry, I can't here you, your voice is too low.
> Guainin looked at him and stared.
MIKE: Guanin?
TOM: Wasn't Sir Guainin, the Green Knight part of the round table?
> "All that I heard was that someone on
> the ship was killing some of the crew off with no apparent reason."
TOM (as Guinan): You know, just usual bar gossip. Wanna hear me sing with
some nuns?
> "Thank you. You have been most helpful."
CROW (as Worf): But now I have to kill you.
> Worf got up and left Ten-Forward. Guinan turned around and collapsed on
> the floor.
TOM: (dramatic organ chords) Bum Bum Buuuuuuuum!!
>
> * * *
>
> Picard walked into sickbay as soon as he heard Guainin was hurt.
CROW (as Picard): Oh goody, I can laugh at her and ridicule her pain!
> When he
> went into sickbay proper,
TOM: Wait, I know, Mike, it should be "went into the sickbay properly!"
MIKE: Actually, no that's an appropriate use of an adjective.
TOM: Aw, nuts!
MIKE: Well, it's still stupid.
he saw that the biobeds were filled with people,
> most of them dead.
TOM: That's a real economic use for biobeds. Don't they have some sort of
morgue?
> Dr. Selar was examining the readouts on Guinan.
CROW: So that's this woman's problem, she covered with readouts!
> "How is she, doctor?"
> "She is fine. Although she is tired. I will make her sleep some more
> before she returns to Ten-Forward."
CROW: Oh, she's sleeping it off, eh?
> Picard approached the biobed. He thought that Guanin's mouth was
> moving, but it must have been his imagination.
MIKE: He also thought Mr. Ed's mouth was really moving.
CROW: Well it was moving, but he wasn't really talking.
MIKE: And you call me anal?
> "Thank you, Doctor."
> He left sickbay and ordered Lieutent Worf to meet with him in his ready
> room.
MIKE: Here's a piece of Star Trek trivia, just what is the ready room ready
for?
CROW: Uh, anything that could happen?
TOM: No, it's ready for ACTION!
>
> * * *
>
> Worf and Picard entered the ready room.
CROW: Was there any point for those asterisks? Didn't time telescope about
thirty seconds?
> Picard sat down in his chair
TOM: And triggered the whoopie cushion that Wesley had put on it!
CROW (as Picard): Why, you...
> while Worf remained standing. "Lt. Worf. Do you know what happened in
> Ten-Forward after you left?"
CROW: Yeah, Norm came in and then Cliff told this long story about wood chucks.
> Worf stared at Picard. "I was never in Ten-Forward, sir. I was
> continuing my investigation into the deaths of Dr. Crusher and Counselor
> Troi."
> "But you were seen in Ten-Forward just a few minutes ago."
> "Sir, I promise you. I wasn't near Ten-Foward."
MIKE: (as Worf) It must have been some other Klingon.
> Suddenly the klaxons started to blare.
CROW (as Picard): You turn that music down, young man!
TOM: Nobody likes the music of the Klaxons like Wesley does.
> Picard and Worf rushed out of
> the ready room and took their places on the bridge.
CROW: See, that's what the ready room is ready for. It's ready for when
they need to rush out and go to the bridge.
> "Report, Mr. Worf."
MIKE (as Worf): I'm big, I'm cranky, and I don't like you.
> "Sensors are picking up a Romulan vessel crossing the Neutral Zone at
> high warp twoards our position."
TOM: I prefer high warp twoards to regular twoards.
> "Hail them."
TOM: Taxi! Taxi! TAAAXI!
> "Hailing frequencies are opened."
> "This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Enterprise. You are in
> violation of the treaty.
MIKE: It doesn't matter which treaty we're talking about. You're in violation
of them ALL.
TOM: I think this fanfic's in violation of several alt.startrek.creative
treaties.
> Please respond."
> On the viewscreen, the ship grew until the class of the ship was
> recognizable.
CROW: That's a pretty neat trick.
MIKE: Yeah, it's a Sea-Warbird. Just add water and it grows into a menacing
Romulan Ship!
> It was a Romulan warbird. And it was heading straight twoards
> the Enterprise.
TOM: Oh, that's just a technicality.
> "Evasive maneuvers, Mr. Data."
MIKE: Whereupon Mr. Data quickly got up from his seat, turned around, and
ran out of the Bridge, screaming.
> The Romulan vessel changed course to match and it fired a projectile.
MIKE: It's just what I feared, Captain, a collosal negative space wedgie of
massive proportions...
CROW: And it's heading TWOARDS the ship.
> "Shields up!"
TOM: Shields up! C'mon, Enterprise, this projectile is heading straight
your way! Shields up, Enterprise!
MIKE: The Enterprise always hates when it has to play deep left field.
> The projectile hit the Enterprise with a force the size of a star going
> supernova.
TOM: Then, for all intents and purposes, it should have been vaporized into
tiny particles of matter.
> The bridge went off kilter and the crew was flung across the
> bridge, except for Data.
MIKE: Data had already run off the bridge and was now huddling in his room,
talking to Spot.
> Throughout the rest of the Enterprise, the structual intergrity buckled
> and almost broke down in a few areas.
TOM: Come on, it should have been VAPORIZED!
CROW: I'm breaking down in several areas after reading this.
> Picard struggled to get back on his feet. "Damage report!"
CROW: We're toast, Captain. Pure and simple.
> Data spoke, "Warp drive out. Communications are out."
MIKE: And Spot is hungry.
> Picard walked to his command chair as another projectile was shot at
> them.
TOM: Oh, that's sad. Both Picard _and_ his chair are targets of the Romulans.
> This time the shot blew out most of the circuits in engineering. Geordi was
> working frantically trying to eject the core before it blew. The smoke was
> so heavy that you could cut it with a knife.
CROW: And so, apparently, were the cliches.
> A franctic call came in. "Geordi to bridge. I have to eject the core!"
> "Data, assist him."
TOM: That is a rather personal request, Captain.
> Data's hands flew across the panel as another shot rocked the ship.
MIKE: He hit the "Muzak" button and instantly the strains of "Tie A Yellow
Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree" flooded the ship.
TOM: NO!!!!
> "Core dump unsuccessful.
CROW: Oh, he's sending hate mail to Dan Gannon, too.
> Core breach in 10... 9... 8..."
TOM (as Data): Uh, Captain, what number comes before eight?
MIKE (as Picard): Seven, Mister Data.
> In Engineering, Geordi finally got the programming back on line.
CROW: I hate it when the VAX goes down.
TOM: Yeah, it always crashes my IRC process and I get real mad.
MIKE: Shut up. Some of us were computing for legitimate reasons, you know.
TOM: Oh, like what? Getting your elf the heavy-handed broadsword?
MIKE: I said, shut up.
> But would it be too late?
TOM: We can only hope so!!!
> "Core breach in 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1..."
ALL (mechanically): Core breach now.
>
> TO BE CONTINUED...
CROW: Oh, brother! Not another continuation!
>
>
>
> Chapter V
TOM: Oh great, now it's turning into a crossover series.
MIKE: I'm going to take a nap. Tell me when Diana is about to eat a mouse.
>
> Q appeared on the bridge just as Data was counting down.
CROW: Yes, it's another Typical Star Trek Plot Device!
MIKE: Sure, bring the omnipotent being into it, yet again.
> Q thought
> for a moment before freezing time and the Romulan warbird.
TOM: Oh, sure, big man, just waltz in and freeze time.
> "Well, I see you're in a spot of trouble, mon capitaine."
MIKE: "Mon Capitaine?"
TOM: I think Q's speaking in a bad french accent, Mike.
> Picard looked at Q and a look of disgust came over his face. "Q."
CROW: R.
MIKE: S.
TOM: T, U, V. Mobitey mo mo m' mo mo moo, the next letter is double-u.
> "Yes, it is me. The all powerful Q."
MIKE: If you're so all powerful, how come you can't use proper English?
> he looked around for a second
> before asking, "So what is going on?"
TOM: Gee, Q's really being all-knowing and all-seeing tonight.
> Data opened his mouth to say something but Picard quietly said no.
CROW: Ssh, let me handle the omnipresent entity.
> Q
> caught this.
TOM: And runs to the 30... now the 20... the 10... yes, he's going all the
way, it's a TOUCHDOWN!!
> "So, Picard doesn't want me to know something. Well, Data why
> don't you tell me what's going on."
MIKE: But the Captain told me no, and you are not a higher-ranking officer.
> With a snap of his fingers, Q turned Data into a stool pigeon and Data
> spilled the beans.
CROW (as Edward G. Robinson): Nyaah, you copper. I'll never spill the beans,
never, never, ya hear me? Nyaaah.
TOM (as Q): Thank you, thank you, and now for my next trick, I'll turn this
Klingon into a lovely turtledove.
> He told Q all that was going on, including the deaths and
> the predicament they were in now.
TOM: I wish someone would tell US what's going on!
MIKE: Well, let me try... [ snaps fingers ] Well... [ snaps fingers ]
Nothing's happening, sorry.
> Reluctantly, Q changed Data back.
MIKE: Into a large pile of guacamole.
> "Well, I'll save you, for a price."
CROW: Your SOULS.
> Picard looked at Data, who had turned back into himself,
TOM: With no help from Q whatsoever,
> and asked,
MIKE: Have you ever seen a grown man naked?
> "Data, is there a chance we could survive without him?"
TOM: Yes, but his love would always remain in our hearts.
> "The probability of surviving is .23 percent."
> "That isn't much of a guarantee."
CROW: Yeah, and the warranty sucks too! But, I'll take it.
> He turned towards Q.
TOM: Guys, guys, LOOK!
MIKE: What, Tom?
CROW: What is it?
TOM: He spelled "towards" CORRECTLY!! [ all cheer ]
CROW: Yee-hoo! Hooray for Walck!
MIKE: I can't believe it! Conga, everyone! [ MIKE picks up TOM and stands up,
CROW following, they conga around the theater for a few, chanting
"Walckie spelt to-WARDS right! Walckie spelt to-WARDS right!" Then
they all sit back down. ]
> "All right, Q.
TOM: You win, we're all dunderheads.
> Help us."
> Q snapped his fingers.
CROW: Q's getting down to the funky beat of the Klaxons!
> The Romulan warbird disappeared. But the
> damage was still there.
TOM: Yes, these emotional scars run deep.
> Q approached Picard. "Now, my price.
ALL: Eeeew!
> I'm going to
> borrow
MIKE: Your hedge clippers, pruning shears, metal rake, and your riding mower.
TOM: It's a Lawn Boy!
> someone for a while. Let's see, who shall it be?"
MIKE: Take Worf! He's being grumpy!
CROW: Take Troi! She's good for a few hours!
TOM: No, take that unnamed ensign in the second seat over there! He's had
no lines this episode!
> Data, at the conn, turned to Q.
TOM (as Data): I have a feeling that Q is going to choose me.
> Q looked at
CROW: A tree and then at Deanna.
> Data and snapped his
> fingers. Q and Data disappeared in a flash of light.
MIKE: And into next week's episode of Quantum Leap.
TOM (to CROW): Uh, do you want to tell him or should I?
MIKE: What?
CROW: Quantum Leap's been cancelled for about a year now.
MIKE: Gee, and I thought I couldn't find it because NBC kept moving it around
their schedule.
>
> * * *
>
> Data was only gone a few seconds when he reappeared on the bridge.
CROW (as Data): Sorry, forgot my keys.
TOM: Hey, those asterisks really didn't do much to telescope time.
> Everyone looked at him. They all thought that was a very short period of
> time for Q to borrow someone.
MIKE: He usually takes them for a drive, doesn't come back for an hour or so.
> Data didn't even know what happened to him
> when he was with Q.
TOM: It's called "selective memory", Mr. Data. Look it up.
> "Data," Picard said, "What did Q do?"
CROW (dumb voice): Q do number two!
> Data was perplexed for a second. "I do not know sir.
TOM (as Data): I am perplexed.
> One moment I am
> here, the next moment I am with Q and then I am back here.
MIKE (humming): How can you be in two pl-aces at once, when you're not anywhere
at al-ll...
> I cannot explain
> it, sir."
> "Don't try to, Data."
CROW: Yeah, don't make Mr. Walck more confused than he already is.
> Picard looked around the bridge. "Let's see
> how bad Q left us."
MIKE: Well, apparently Q left our Grammar Array in bad shape.
> The engineering crew already was working on the damage report for the
> captain, and it didn't look good. "LaForge to Captain."
TOM: Crusher to Troi's rook two.
CROW: Checkmate!
> "Picard here. Go ahead."
> "Well, sir, we have a problem.
MIKE (as LaForge): The Muzak system won't stop playing "Achy Breaky Heart."
> When our warp core was about to breach,
> we burned the warp coils out, so we're not going anywhere.
CROW: All right. Who had the hair dryer plugged in? You know the rules,
no hair dryers above Warp 3!
> Structual damage
> over most of the ship plus a breach on deck 32.
TOM: There's your hair dryer, Crow.
CROW: Hey, I didn't say it was mine!
> We've closed it up for now,
> but I don't know how long it will last. Impulse engines are barely working.
> I can give one-tenth impulse power."
> Picard turned to Data. "How long till we get to the nearest starbase?"
> "At maximum speed, approximately 21 days, 3 hours."
> "Geordi, do what you can. We'll see what we can do from up here."
MIKE: So... does Sam ever leap back home?
CROW: What?
MIKE: Sam Beckett on Quantum Leap... did he ever finally get home?
TOM: For god's sake, Nelson, we're here watching some real bad fanfic and all
you can think about is whether or not Sam Beckett leapt home?
MIKE: Hey, I gotta do something to distract myself.
> "LaForge out."
CROW: Dating a Ferengi is in!
> Picard sat down his chair and slouched they were in for a long ride.
TOM: Someone forgot a period in their sentence I hate run-on sentences.
> "Mr. Data, set course for the nearest starbase. Maximum speed."
CROW: It goes to eleven.
>
> * * *
TOM: Meanwhile, in an episode of Red Dwarf...
>
> Geordi stood over the main diagnostic table in Engineering. His face
> looked tight
CROW: Oh, no, Geordi's skin doesn't fit anymore.
MIKE: Does that mean he's going to shed in a few days?
> and he had circles under his eyes.
TOM: How could anyone tell with that visor on?
> He had been working on
> fixing things for the last three shifts.
MIKE: You know, that's the Official Chief Engineer's job description: "Fix
things."
TOM: So, you could be next in line for the job, Nelson?
> Data walked into Engineering and
> headed straight twoards Geordi.
CROW: Geordi swiftly side-stepped, leaving Data to walk into a wall.
> "Geordi," he said, "you need sleep."
> "No, I don't..." Geordi yawned. "I'm fine."
TOM: No... we are NOT starting that again. NO!!!!!!! NO!!!!! NO!!!
MIKE: I think someone needs to get some sleep himself.
> Data looked around Engineering. Then he looked back at Geordi. "As
> your superior officer, I order you to sleep."
CROW: You can't make me take a nap! I don't wanna take a nap!
> Geordi tried to protest but he yawned again. Geordi nodded and walked
> into the turbolift. After arriving on his deck, Geordi proceeded rather
> sluggishly to his room and collapsed on his bed.
MIKE: He didn't even put on his sleepers with the footsies.
> He yawned one more time and
> fell into a deep
CROW: Pit.
TOM: Well.
MIKE: Hole to Hell.
> slumber...
ALL: Oh.
> Geordi found himself on a planet he knew too well, Galondon Core.
MIKE: Who's Galondon Core?
CROW: Knew your planet, I did!
> Over
> ten years before, he was trapped here while still stationed on the
> Enterprise.
TOM: If he was still stationed on the Enterprise, how could he have been
trapped on the planet?
> He found a Romulan and together they
CROW (announcer voice): Forged a new nation, one SHINING STEEL RAIL!
MIKE: Rock-e-feller... Rock-e-feller...
TOM: HUMPH-rey... HUMPH-rey...
> weathered the storm and found a way
> home.
MIKE: It's the Adventures of Milo and Geordi.
TOM: "You're a funny-looking Romulan, " thought Milo.
> Now, the planet was to be his grave.
> Above him, above the eternal storms, the Hathaway hung, the crew, save
> him all dead from an attack by the Romulans.
CROW: What? The Hung Hathaways saved him from dying?
MIKE: All were hung save him and Miss Hathaway?
TOM: Mr. Drysdale caught Ellie Mae's critters in his backyard again?
> The fleet had attacked them so
> fast that they were unable to defend themselves.
TOM: I'll believe that when I see it.
> When the Romulans boarded
> their ship, they were pleased to find
MIKE: The pool on the Aloha deck, and the full-service wet bar.
CROW (as a Romulan): This ship has it all!!
> Geordi among the survivors. They used
> their mindsifter again. They had exiled him to the planet.
TOM (Minnesotan lady): Oh, I hate it when they use dat mindsifter ting.
CROW (same accent): Ja, it's really bad.
> On the horizon, lightning struck again.
MIKE: Ow! that hurts!
> Geordi knew that within a few
> hours, he would become blind and his VISOR would be useless.
CROW: Huh? VISOR?! Is that anything like PADD?
TOM: Stop it, just stop it now.
> All he had was
> of all things a phaser,
MIKE: And some cookies from Grandma.
> and that probably didn't even work. Geordi walked
> down off the crest of the hill that he was on and began his trek
TOM: Geordi Trek: The Stupid Generation.
> along the desolate wasteland.
CROW: Oh, he's in East Orange, New Jersey.
> A few hours past, though Geordi thought it was a lifetime.
MIKE: I think several lifetimes have "past" since we started reading this.
> As he
> walked twoards a cave, he heard footsteps behind him.
CROW: Oh no, it's Ro-Man's cave!
> When he turned around
> Guinan looked at him with an evil look on her face.
MIKE: Whoopi, you're not in this scene, get out! Get out, Goldberg!
> She pushed him onto a
> part of the ground where she knew it would cave in.
TOM: Guinan studied Structural Geology at DeVry!
> Geordi fell to the
> bottom of the pit
MIKE: Pooh Bear! You caught the heffalump!
> while Guinan laughed a wicked laugh.
CROW: Awk! Awk! Awk! Try to get out of that one, Caped Crusader!
> He tried to get out
> but he couldn't.
CROW (as Al Pacino): I try to get out, but they keep pulling me back in!
> As the rain continued to pelt down at him, Geordi began to think about
> all the things that had happened throughout his life:
CROW: Well, let's see, first he was born, then his family took him home from
the hospital. . .
TOM: Yeah, his whole life is flashing before his VISOR.
> his family, his mother
> and her disappearence, the Borg, the Romulans, Aquiel, his friends and
> officers and his wife Leah Brahms.
MIKE: And bacon.
> Geordi fell asleep. As he slept he dreamt about his adventures and his
> misadvetures.
TOM: That's right, it's the Wacky Misadventures of Geordi LaForge, tonight
on Kafka TV!
> Sometime during the night, a mudslide filled the hole.
CROW: but it couldn't fill the hole in his heart.
> Geordi
> would never again wake, which was all that he could hope for...
CROW: This story's got so many dangling modifiers, we could build a mobile!
> "Picard to LaForge." On the bridge Picard was trying to communicate
> with his Chief of Engineering but it wasn't working out as planned.
MIKE: It's not easy to communicate with the ones you love.
CROW: I feel that if a person has difficulty comunicating the least he can do
is to shut up.
TOM: Ah, Tom Lehrer, the master!
> "Computer, locate Chief Engineer LaForge."
TOM: Chugga chugga chugga chugga, woo woo!
CROW: You see, 'cause he's an engineer. . . ?
> The computer resonded, "Commander LaForge is in his quarters."
TOM: But I wouldn't go in there, he's having a little private time.
> Picard waited a second.
MIKE: Boy, I'm surprised Walck didn't put some asterisks in there.
> Then he turned to
ALL: A tree.
> where Deanna used to sit. He
> was quiet for a moment thinking about his lost comerade. "Picard to
> Crush..."
CROW: Oh! What's he going to crush?
> She wasn't around either, he thought.
CROW (as Picard): Hmm, I want to talk to someone, let me think, who's not
dead?
> "Picard to Data." A moment passed.
MIKE: Hey he didn't say "past."
CROW: (Minnesotan lady) Oh, we're so proud of the way little Christopher is
learning.
TOM: (same voice) He put his shoes on the right feet this morning, too.
MIKE: (following suit) Oh ja, that's so wonderful.
> "Data here, sir."
> Picard let out a sigh of relief.
MIKE: The Captain's life was so much easier now that Starfleet installed
urinals on the bridges of all galaxy-class starships.
> "Data, could you check up on Geordi.
CROW: And while you're at it, try and find me some question marks.
> I'm not getting an answer from
> his comm."
TOM: Let's see. A murderer has been killing off every major character one by
one, I sure hope nothing bad has happened to Geordi!
> "I will immediately sir."
CROW: Just as soon as my nails are dry.
> Picard began to wonder if what had happened to some of the crew had now
> claimed Geordi.
ALL: Duuuuh!
>
> * * *
MIKE: Hey look! Three polar bears blinking in a blizzard.
>
> The dark room was filled with light as Data entered Geordi's cabin.
MIKE: Data! You wrecked the pictures I was developing!
> On
> the bed Geordi had mud stains all over his uniform.
TOM: "Dear Tide, my chief engineer got mud stains all over his brand new
uniform, I thought I would never get them out. . ."
> Data quickly went over to
> his bed.
TOM: And kissed the beautiful maiden, waking her from her hundred year
slumber!
> Geordi was trying to say something.
CROW: (husky) Rosebud.
> "Gui..." he whispered.
MIKE: Guy D'Maupassant?
TOM: Guy Faulks?
CROW: Guy Smiley?
> Data tried to get closer but Geordi wouldn't say anything.
TOM: Darn this bad breath!
> When Data
> checked Geordi's pulse there was narry a bump.
CROW: Oh, kind of like this lifeless story.
> Geordi had gone the way of
> over half the crew.
TOM: Well, some go this way, and some go that way, or you could go both ways!
> Chapter VI
CROW: In which Crow T. Robot gets so sick of this freaking fanfic that he
hunts Christopher Walck down and squeezes is hands around his neck
until he is forever still.
MIKE: Crow, have you ever tried decaf?
>
> "Captain's Log: Stardate 46870.3. The condition that has killed most
> of my crew
TOM: Is really beginning to bother me.
> has now also begun to take my command crew away from me.
CROW (as Picard): On the other hand, the weather has been lovely.
> Commander Geordi LaForge is hereby given a commendation for his work after
> the Romulan attack.
TOM: Oh, he only got it because he's dead!
CROW: Yeah, that Geordi will do anything to get a commendation!
> "I also have another mystery on my hands.
CROW: How do they cram all that graham into Golden Graham Cereal?
> Yesterday, Guinan collapsed
> after meeting with Lieutenant Worf.
MIKE: (as Picard) Normally a minor fainting spell wouldn't even rank a mention
when the crew is dropping like flies, but this is such a major plot
point that I ought to remind the readers.
> When I spoke to Worf, he denies ever
> being in Ten-Forward.
CROW (as Picard): He was sloshed at the time, so I have reason to believe he
might be fibbing.
MIKE: Have you noticed that we aren't even catching all the spelling and
gramatical errors anymore? We're getting used to them!
TOM (singing): We've grown accustomed to your typos, accustomed to your
lapses-into-improper-English, accustomed to your. . . stupidity.
> I will speak to her shortly."
MIKE: Worf is a she now? I know this guy is taking some liberties, but. . .
> Ten-Forward was rather quiet when Picard walked in.
TOM: That's cause all the noisy people were dead.
> Because of the
> deaths, he had been forced to shrink the number of shifts
MIKE: Shrinky Dinks! Just put the shifts in the oven for fifteen minutes and
Presto!
> in order to have
> the Enterprise working at near efficency, which was becoming harder to do as
> the hours went by.
TOM: Well, it would be easier if the Captain didn't spend all of his time in
the damn bar!
> Guinan stopped cleaning tables and walked over to where Picard was
> standing. "Captain, is there anything I can do for you?"
CROW (as Picard): Yes, please stop making those damn nun movies!
> There was a strange
> intonation in the question which put Picard on edge.
MIKE: It was as if Guinan was trying to say "All right, so I wasn't as
good a host as Billy Crystal, at least I wasn't in `Men in Tights!'"
> "I need to talk to you about yesterday," Picard said.
CROW: Written by John Lennon, performed first by the Beatles, next thing you
know it's the most popular cover song in existence, is that what
you want to know?
> Guinan turned and walked to one of the tables and beckoned Picard to
> follow.
TOM: Here boy, here boy, goooood Captain!
> When they sat down, Picard began to ask, "Guinan, who were you
> talking with before you fainted?"
CROW: With my psychic friend Moonbeam, why?
> Guinan immediately replied, "Worf."
MIKE: And coughed up a hairball.
> "Are you sure? I asked Worf what had happened and he said he was never
> in Ten-Forward and he never asked you anything."
TOM: Oh, did I say "Worf?" I meant, uh, "Dorf," you know, that midget who
plays golf.
MIKE: Hey! The proper term is "Vertically challenged."
CROW: Oh, come off it, it's Tim Conway on his knees!
> Guinan's face showed the slightest anger in it. "What? Do you think
> I'm lying about some stupid thing like that?"
TOM: (falsetto) Next thing you know, you'll be accusing me of shoving Geordi
into a pit!
> Picard was taken aback by Guinan's response.
MIKE: And even moreso by her weird headdress.
> "Are you all right?" he
> asked.
> "I'm fine and stop asking me dumb questions!"
CROW: Sorry, those are the only type of questions Walck is capable of writing.
> she replied with force.
> Guinan got up and strutted out of Ten-Forward.
TOM: Hey everyone, the bartender's gone! Free beer!
> What had gotten into her?
> Picard wondered.
CROW: Ted Dans - [ MIKE clamps CROW'S beak down ]
MIKE: You're gonna sit in the Naughty Chair when we get out of the theater.
> He sat there for another moment and then quickly exited the
> room, pondering the last few moments.
MIKE: I wonder if she's cheesed off just because everyone's dead.
TOM: Yeah, it must really be hell on business.
>
> * * *
MIKE: Boy, even Walck's gotten sick of these asterisks and isn't centering them
any more.
>
> Data was seated at Ops
CROW: What? He's delivering packages now?
MIKE: No, O-P-S, not UPS.
TOM: You down with OPS?
CROW: Well, yeah, I guess.
> when something on his panel flashed by. When he
> realized what it was, Data immediately called Picard from his ready room,
TOM: Captain! We're getting free Showtime!
> where he had been since he returned to the bridge.
MIKE: Well, if he's in his ready room then he's not really on the bridge, is
he?
> "Captain... There is something you should see."
> The ready room doors opened and out stepped Picard.
CROW: Buck naked with a whip in one hand and a can of spray cheese in the
other!
> Data recognized
> that something was on Picard's mind ever since he returned to the bridge.
MIKE (as Data): Sir, are you upset that half of the crew entrusted to your
protection is dead, and you are a total failure?
TOM (singing): Total failure la la la!
CROW: Hey, I bet Data would know what a Sampo is!
MIKE: I could be on this satellite for the rest of my life and never quite
figure you two out.
> "Yes, Data?" he asked.
> "We have had a sudden loss in power.
CROW (as Picard): Hey! That happens to a lot of guys my age. . .oh, I thought
you meant something different.
> The warp engines have completely
> failed. It seems there is a power drain but I am unable to find the
> problem.
TOM: Gee, weren't they supposed to be on one half impulse power ever since
they burned out the warp coils, anyway?
MIKE: Remember the golden rule of plot holes, overlook the holes of others
as you would want others to overlook your own plot holes.
CROW: You mean like the way you're able to eat and breathe and other science
facts?
> Also, the life support systems have begun to fail on unpopulated decks on the
> ship."
CROW: If there's no life support on the unpopulated decks, why worry?
MIKE: That is to say, they're unpopulated now because without life support,
all the people on them died.
CROW: Oh.
> "Life support? Are you sure, Data?"
TOM: Well, I suppose it could just be really boring down there.
CROW: It certainly is in here.
> "Captain, I do not lie."
CROW: (as Picard) Why does everyone think I'm accusing them of lying today?
> Data looked over his screen again. "Now I
> read a power surge."
MIKE: Oh, make up your frickin' mind, android!
TOM: Hey, we prefer the term "electronic americans."
CROW: I thought it was "people of circuitry."
> Picard looked on with interest. "Has life support been reestablished?"
MIKE: (as Data) No but mentarianism has been disestablished.
> "No. Surprisingly, it is a surge in Ten-Forward."
CROW: Well no wonder, it's nickel beer night!
> The ship shook and the klaxon began to blare. Picard sat in the
> command chair.
CROW: (as Picard) This is no time for music!
> "Status report, Data."
> "A Romulan warbird has followed us.
TOM: Yeah, it followed me home! Can I keep it and call it fluffy?
> It has just decloaked and is accelerating towards us."
MIKE: He spelled it right again!
CROW: Somebody give him a cookie!
> "Mr. Worf. Raise shields and arm all weapons."
> Worf made the necessary preparations. "Sir, shields at ten percent,
> weapons charged at fifty percent."
MIKE: Basically, we're down to slingshots and spitballs.
> On the viewscreen, the Romulan warbird quickly came into focus.
TOM: But now there was a hair on the projector.
> "Captain, they are firing!"
MIKE: Well you know, what with budget cuts and all, the Romulan Empire just
can't afford to keep all of its staff.
> The bridge shook as the weapons broke through the weak shields. Picard
> knew without hearing the damage report that the Enterprise was crippled.
CROW: So that does it! I guess we'll be paddling home!
> "Fire all weapons!"
> Both Worf and Data tried to comply,
TOM: . . .and wound up shooting each other.
> but the computers weren't
> responding to their attempts. Another shot hit the ship and Picard heard a
> low Boom! in his ears.
MIKE: The ship's exploding, but subtly.
> "Captain!" Data said, "Hull breach on deck 24. Also
> severe damage on Deck 10."
TOM: And the tennis courts are blown to hell!
> Picard tried to say something but he was cut short by the Romulan's
> weaponry.
MIKE: Just one Romulan, huh?
> The weapons were aimed at the warp nacelles. They were cleanly cut
> away from the Enterprise.
CROW: It's good to see a group of clean-cut warp nacelles, unlike these ones
today with their scruffy clothes and unkempts frontal arrays.
> Picard looked at them as they floated away into
> space.
MIKE: Goodbye warp nacelles, I'll miss you!
> Picard tugged his jacket. "Worf, lock tractor beams on the nacelles."
TOM: Weren't "The Nacelles" a "girl group" in the early sixties?
> Worf looked at Picard as though he was crazy.
CROW: As though Picard were crazy, or as though Worf were crazy?
> But then his command
> training took over.
TOM: And the Prozac kicked in.
> "Aye, sir."
MIKE: (as Picard) Yes you! who else did you think I meant?
> The nacelles began to steady themselves as the Enterprise tried a last
> desperate attempt to save a piece of the ship.
CROW: Save the Garfield suction cup doll, it could be worth something some day!
> Picard ordered Worf to aim
> them at the Romulan warbird. Within a few seconds, the nacelle hit the
> warbird.
CROW: That Picard, always thinking.
> The resulting explosion threw the Enterprise into a spin. The roof of
> the bridge collapsed,
TOM: Oh, "let's hit them with the warp nacelles," great plan, Captain! Now
instead of being instantly vaporized by phasers we'll be slowly
crushed by our own roof!
CROW: I guess THAT won't be in the Textbook.
MIKE: Nope, you can say goodbye to the Second Picard Maneuver.
> somethering the remaining crew under the debris.
MIKE: Somethering or othering.
> As he fell to the bridge deck, Picard mercifully dreamed one last
> dream...
CROW: Oh yes, let's please have another dream sequence! Stretch the story out
as long as possible.
> Picard, Troi, Yar and Data stood on a platform
TOM: I knew he would find a way to bring Yar into the story, I just knew it!!
> in a place where Picard
> didn't recognize.
MIKE: He recgnizes in most places, but here he didn't.
> The audience in the room stood as the judge came forward
> from the background.
CROW: Here come de judge, here come de judge.
TOM (as judge): I find this fanfic in gross violation of all standards of
quality. The author is sentenced to run a Q&A session at a Star Trek
convention with a group of rabid Trekkies who want to know why Troi
stopped wearing the low-cut uniforms.
> As Picard looked on, Q appeared in the judge's seat.
> He knew that Q had conjured up all this.
MIKE: Q knew that Q was behind all of this.
TOM: Well I hope so, he is supposed to be omniscient.
> "You have been accused of being a barbaric race.
CROW: And of not taking advantage of Sprint's weekend rates.
TOM: Yeah, how about not taking advantage of the hair-loss remedies available
to him in the 24th Century?
> How do you plead?" Q
> asked.
> Picard looked at Q and said, "Not Guilty."
> "I'm sorry, Picard. You said the wrong answer.
TOM: I'm sorry, the correct answer is "Is It Red?".
CROW: You're obviously barbaric, and the proof is this tape of the pilot
episode of "Thunder in Paradise."
> Before I execute you
> all,
TOM: I've got a little musical number cooked up, and it goes a little like
this. . .
> I'd like to meet a friend of mine. She's not Q, but she is the cause of
> everything you've been going through."
CROW: Gasp! It's Tonya Harding!
> The spotlight shifted to an obscure corner of the room. Guinan
> appeared and Picard wondered what she had to do in all of this.
MIKE: She slipped a little something extra into everyone's ale last night, and
that's why everyone's having these weird dreams.
CROW: Yeah, and the first one's free. Heh, heh, heh.
> As she
> walked twoards them,
ALL: Mutter mutter, grumble grumble.
> Picard noticed the way that she had walked had changed
> since the last time that he had seen her.
CROW: It's gotta be the shoes.
> "Well, Picard. Nice to see you again. But let me get right to the
> point.
TOM (as Guinan): I want off the show so I can make more nun movies, you dig?
> Several years from now,
MIKE: This fanfic will end.
> your crew will begin to die, one by one. You
> don't know what's going on.
MIKE: And you don't know what tense to use.
> The only lead you have is a conversation between
> you and me, in which I get a little annoyed with you.
TOM: And when you secretly read my daily planner you'll see that I've written
"Today: kill off crew of ship."
> I caused all of what
> had happened to you,
MIKE: (singing) The tenses my friends, are blowing in the wind, the tenses are
blowing in the wind.
> but you won't know how or why because your ship will
> never be found.
CROW: Doctor Sam Beckett never leaps home.
MIKE: No!
CROW: Yes.
MIKE: Curse you Bellisario!
> Have a nice afterlife, Picard."
TOM: (falsetto) Thank you for flying Guinan Airlines the exits are to your
right, and if you plan on reading anything by Christopher Walck during
your stay, we suggest you bring along one of our barf-bags.
> The guards next to Picard aimed their guns at him and shot him several
> times in his chest. He fell to the ground, dead...
CROW: But wait, he's not really dead, the cigarillo case he always keeps in
his breast pocket took the bullet!
> As Picard gasped his last breath,
TOM (as Picard): Wait, wait, I left my cigarillo case on my dresser this
morning. Sorry about that.
> Worf died a quiet death. No dreams
ALL: Yaaaaaaay!!!
CROW: Santa got my letter!
> and no Klingon ritual.
> Data deactivated as he hit the ground. As the ship was transported
> into another part of the galaxy,
TOM: Any explanation for that?
MIKE: Nope, it was transorted out of sheer plot necessity.
> the Enterprise was quiet. If you listened
> really closely, you could make out a faint and horrifing laugh.
CROW: So Ed McMahon is behind all of this.
>
> To Be Continued...
MIKE: You know, if this is "Field Of Dreams", I'm wondering when James Earl
Jones is going to come into it.
>
>
> Chapter VII
CROW: Wow, it seemed like yesterday we were sitting in this same theater,
watching Chapter IV... wow, those were the days.
>
> The station hung stationary in space.
MIKE: It's a well-hung station.
> It had a look of something the
> Cardassians would do, with its sweeping curves and very dark colors.
CROW: The big sign saying "BAJORANS SUCK!" probably also had something to
do with it.
> After
> they had abandoned it, the Federation moved in. Soon after that, they found
> what was to become the first stable wormhole known. As news of the wormhole
> spread ships began to ask passage through the wormhole to the quadrant
> beyond.
TOM: Great, Walck's just described the pilot episode of "Deep Space Nine."
> Commander Benjaman Sisko looked out a window in his office.
CROW: They keep moving my desk around... if they take my stapler one more
time I'll burn the building down.
> He felt
> confident
TOM: Confident, confident, dry and secure!
> that the upcoming science mission into the Gamma Quadrant would
> shed some light on the subject of how the wormhole was formed.
MIKE: And if not, he had the comforting thought that all the scientists
concerned would die a horrible, firey death in the vacuum of
space.
TOM: Where DO you come up with these things, Mike?
CROW: Yeah, you're really beginning to disturb me.
MIKE: Guys, I don't know... I think the depressing tone of this fanfic has
gotten to my mind.
> The doors
> behind him opened and Lieutenant Jadzia Dax and Doctor Julian Bashir walked
> in.
CROW (in his best Garrett Morris): LORD and LADY DOUCHEbag!
MIKE: That's it! [ grabs CROW by the visor-hair and tosses him out of
the theater ]
CROW (as he's being tossed): Hey! Come on! That was a legitimate riff!
It's an old 'Saturday Night Live' joke! [ he lands ] owie.
TOM: D'you think that was necessary, Nelson?
MIKE: Hey, it was a momentary outburst of anger. Had to vent somehow.
> Sisko noticed that Bashir had a crush on Dax even though he knew that
> she was much older than he was.
MIKE: Sisko's got a good grasp of the obvious, doesn't he?
TOM: Yep, pretty much.
MIKE: I guess you could call that a May - December Three Years From Now
Romance. [ CROW enters again. ]
CROW: I hurt my butt.
MIKE: Serves you right. Now sit in your seat and behave.
> Sisko sat down at his desk and began the briefing. "You have already
> been told that Starfleet would like to know more about how the wormhole was
> formed.
TOM: If you would like to know more about how the wormhole was formed, the
Library of Congress suggests these books:
MIKE: Wormhole! The Making Of A Musical. By G. Clef, published by Random
Actsofkindness.
CROW: Bill's Travels Through The Wormhole, by Willie Kumbakk. Published
by Harper, Williams, and Roe.
TOM: These and other fine books can be found at your local library.
MIKE: We here at MST3K urge you to -
ALL: Read More About It!
> Because of all the problems we have had on the station, I am
TOM (as Sisko): Transferring my duties to Commander Joe Clark and his trusty
baseball bat.
> ordering you two to take a
MIKE: Flying leap at a rolling donut.
CROW: Hey, that sounds familiar.
> runabout through the wormhole and get some new
> information.
MIKE: What do you want from me?
TOM: INFORMATION!
CROW: I am not a number, I am a poor excuse for a human being who keeps trying
to bond with my son Jake even when he's off fooling around with those
bad Ferengi kids and then my whole space station goes to hell and
Odo yells at Quark and Kira gets mad and O'Brien hits the computer
and... oh, forget it.
MIKE: I'm pretty impressed, Crow. Was that all in one breath?
> I don't need Starfleet breathing down my back."
TOM: I'd rather they nibble on my ears, instead.
> Sisko looked at
ALL: A tree, and then at
> Bashir and Dax. They knew how important this mission
> was and that they had to come back with information that was useful.
MIKE: Yeah, last time they came back with information like "the wormhole
looks cool when you fly through it" and "when you get out of it,
it's just like where you were before you went through, although
there's no space station and the co-ordinates are different."
> He gave
> them a nod and they walked out of his office.
CROW: Hey, he's running such a tight station, all he has to do is nod and
they follow his bidding!
> Sisko sat there looking at
> the closed doors.
TOM: If he had TV Guide, he would have known that a great "Simpsons" repeat
was playing on the closed doors of Jake's room.
>
> * * *
CROW: Mike, I got a question. How come they're sending the ship's doctor
through the wormhole? I mean, what does HE know about wormholes?
MIKE: It seems to me that Walck here is having trouble assigning characters
to their proper duties.
CROW: Oh, and I thought it was so that there'd be an easy way to kill him off.
>
> "Personal Log. Dr. Julian Bashir. Stardate 46901.2. Yes! I finally
> get to be alone with Jadzia!"
MIKE: Whoooooooo!!
CROW: You go, Bashie baby!
TOM (singing): Julian's got a girlfriend! Julian's got a girlfriend!
> Julian met Jadzia at Runabout Pad C.
MIKE: The hip place where all the swinging couples meet.
> The small ship had already been
> prepped and ready to fly before they had gotten there. Dax sat down in the
> pilot seat while Bashir sat next to her.
TOM (as Bashir): Mmm, this seat is comfortable.
CROW (as Dax): Uh, that's the armrest.
> Bashir had so much energy, it
> seemed to be that he was about to burst.
ALL: Eeeewww!!
MIKE: Nobody told me this was going to be a "Scanners" crossover, too!
> The runabout lifted off the pad and flew twoards the wormhole.
TOM: If it had only flown TOWARDS the wormhole, the following tale of
carnage and gore would have been avoided.
> Dax was
> still amazed about the wormhole. It was though someone dug a hole and
> purposely left clues to help you find it.
MIKE: Yeah, like the shovel and the large pile of dirt right next to it.
> She still couldn't believe the
> size of the wormhole. Nothing she had ever seen compared to the size of
> that thing.
CROW: I bet Bashir's feeling rather envious at this point.
> The wormhole's mouth opened to receive the runabout.
TOM: And Freudian scholars everywhere go crazy!
> After a few
> moments of travelling through the wormhole, the runabout exited the
> wormhole.
MIKE: Walck's writing budget must be low. I mean, he couldn't even afford
a nice descriptive adjective in that last scene.
CROW: Yeah, I think he blew all his money on dream sequences.
> Bashir took some initial readings, but they seemed to be off.
> "Dax," he said, "I took some readings,
TOM: But they seemed to be off.
> but they don't make sense. The
> star configuration is all wrong. We're not in the Gamma Quadrant."
> Dax stared at Bashir for a moment.
MIKE: God, you're so... repulsive.
> Then she checked her instruments
> and they told her the exact same thing that Bashir's had said.
ALL: The star configuration is all wrong. We're not in the Gamma Quadrant.
> They weren't
> in the Gamma Quadrant.
ALL: D'oh!
> Instead they found themselves in the Delta Quadrant, near Borg space.
CROW: Oh, they should have taken the last exit. Now they're near Borg space
and there's no gas stations for 120 miles.
> "Julian, any signs of the wormhole?"
TOM: Nothing, apart from that large blue swirling vortex leading back to Deep
Space Nine.
> "No. The sensors haven't picked up anything.
MIKE: And neither has Bashir.
> The only thing I'm
> picking up is a vessel drifting twoards us."
TOM: Kids, never stop to pick up strange vessels drifting twoards you.
> Dax played over the keyboard.
CROW: Bring it on home!
TOM: I heard Dax is going on tour with the Klaxons this summer.
MIKE: Cool!
> "I'm setting a heading for that ship."
> As the runabout changed course, Bashir began to get more accurate
> readings on the vessel.
TOM: Let's see... it's a ship, it's derelict, and it's floating in space.
That accurate enough for you?
> Bashir gasped at what the computer told them.
CROW (as Bashir): "You're a dork, and you have a funny accent"?! What th - ?!
> "Dax,
MIKE: I wanna wrap you up in Saran Wrap and make hot baby-oil love to you.
> that's the Enterprise. I'm reading no lifesigns aboard."
TOM: The Enterprise is practically empty during the off-season.
CROW: Look, Jack Nicholson and Shelley Duvall are the live-in caretakers!
> The hull of the Enterprise was scarred badly,
MIKE: Ever since that incident with the Mall Santa and the chopsticks.
> Dax noticed as they got
> closer. It seems that the Enterprise got into a battle and was on the losing
> end of the stick.
CROW: Christopher Walck was on the losing end of the Clue Stick.
> Dax looked at her scanners as the runabout glided around
> the dead ship.
TOM: 5 seconds - you start to tremble. 10 seconds - your eyes go bad. 15
seconds, your mind is completely warped from reading this fanfic.
> A flashing light signaled that the sensors had found
> something.
MIKE: Fries are up!
> "Julian,
CROW (as Dax): There is no way in Hell I'd ever consider doing the Horizontal
Mambo with a loser like you.
> I'm picking up a faint signal coming from where the bridge
> used to be. It seems to be an automatic signal."
TOM: As opposed to...?
MIKE: Some guy standing where the bridge used to be shining a flashlight at
the runabout.
> "Can you identify it?" Julian asked.
> "I believe it is a distress signal, but not from the ship's computer.
> it seems to be a personal distress signal."
TOM: Well, I'll be! It _is_ somebody shining a flashlight at the runabout!
> Julian's face relaxed. "Lock on to the signal and beam it on board. I
> know what it is."
CROW: Those wacky kids! Always leaving their personal distress beacons in
the darndest places!
> Dax looked at Bashir and muttered something before complying.
MIKE (muttering): Jerk.
> The transporter hummed.
TOM: There's so many musical numbers in this. Who else is gonna join the act?
> When it completely formed Dax and Bashir
MIKE: Cool, it's the Play-Doh Deep Space Nine Fun Transporter set.
CROW: Odo's the coolest Play-Doh character there is.
> were
> looking at the unmoving form of Commander Data.
TOM (sqeaky voice): Oilcan! Oilcan!
> He was covered with metal
> pieces
MIKE: That goes without saying, seeing as how he's an android and all.
> and he had a large dent in the side of his head.
> Bashir leaned over Data and found the switch in Data's back that turned
> him on.
ALL: Eeeww!
> Immediately Data sat up and looked at Dax and Bashir. "Ah, Doctor
> Bashir.
CROW: I presume.
> Nice to see you again. Where am I?"
TOM (falsetto): You're among the little people.
> The doctor replied, "You're on a runabout in the Delta Quadrant. We
> found you on what was left of the Enterprise. We need to ask you, what
> happened?"
MIKE: You mean right now? Hey, YOU transported me up here, YOU tell me!
> Data stared at Bashir. "Something was invading the minds of the
> crewmembers and it was killing them. Then the Romulans came and..."
CROW: Gave us candy and video games and all sorts of cool stuff.
> Data stopped. Underneath his skull, Data began to understand what had
> happened to his friends and who had caused it all.
TOM: It was Mr. Arnold Lemnter, 21 Picayune Drive, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
> Data then realized that
> Q had told him what was going on and that in order to save them, he would
> have to go to Guinan's home world and rescue them.
MIKE: Oh, sure, that makes EVERY bit of sense.
TOM: I'm glad somebody knows what's going on in this fanfic.
> "Lieutenant, I must take command of this shuttle." Data stood and went
> to the pilot's seat. He sat down and began to change the course of the
> runabout.
CROW: I'm hijacking this runabout and taking us all to Burger King!
> Bashir walked up behind him. "Data, what are you doing?"
MIKE: Pulling rank, why?
> Data turned to Bashir. "I can only tell you this. The crew of the
> Enterprise fell victim to an ancient being who stole the souls of whoever
> were trapped by it. And now they are being held on a planet where one of
> the former crew was possessed by the creature.
TOM (announcer): In next week's exciting episode of STAR TREK: The Next
Generation!
CROW (announcer): Tomorrow at 6 on Fox 61.
> I must get to that planet as
> soon as possible."
MIKE: Or the pizza's free.
> Dax was stunned.
CROW: Okay, who's got the phaser?! Come on, I'll keep you all in for recess
if whoever has the phaser doesn't give it to me now!!
> "Data, where is this planet?"
TOM: 10 minutes from Exit 9, past the Snack Shack. Can't miss it!
> "Approximately 43 light years away from our present position."
> Dax ran her fingers over the console. "Data, that's Borg space."
MIKE: And we know how much the Borg need their space.
CROW: Well, what do you expect for a race of beings in self-denial?
> Data turned twoards her. "I must do this, Lieutenant."
>
> TO BE CONTINUED
TOM: What? What? He must continue the fanfic?! NO, MISTER DATA!! HAVE YOU
NO HEART? HAVE YOU NO SOUL?!
****** COMMERCIAL: Those wacky beer-drinking guys playing pool discuss old
TV sitcoms and how cool it is to be a part of Generation X. **************
-- There'll be two more parts, hopefully shorter than this one. Part 4 comes
soon!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is totally a work of fiction. What, you thought ST:TNG and MST3K were
real? Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters are the property of
Best Brains, Inc, which had nothing to do with this post. This post is meant
for entertainment purposes only and is not intended as a personal attack on
Christopher Walck, Mr. Ed, and especially not that guy who always sits behind
you in the movie theatre with that hacking cough. This work is copyright (C)
1994 R. Noyes and N. Smith, and may be freely distributed as long as all
claims of authorship and copyright are kept intact. That sounds a lot nicer
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audiences are the best audiences in the world! *smack* Goodnight!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------
Christopher Walck:
> As the rain continued to pelt down at him, Geordi began to think about
> all the things that happened throughout his life: his family, his mother and
> her disappearance, the Borg, the Romulans, Aquiel, his friends and officers
> and his wife Leah Brahms.
------------------
--
_____ spa...@titan.ucs.umass.edu
|\ /| "Animals can smell fear. They can also rip your arm off and show it
| O | to you at a moment's notice."
|/ \| - Crow T. Robot, "First Spaceship To Venus"