[MSTing] Scooby Did - Part I
Freezer
something a little different from the usual Anime/X-Files/Star-Trek
targets. Who knew that the first hit off of a “’Scooby-Doo’
+ ‘fiction’” search would be a sexfic? I thought I was MSTing
something like Helping Paws, (i.e.,the writing itself isn’t that bad.
{considering}) But as I got deeper into the fic, (If you’ll excuse the
French…) the shit got sick!. As always feedback is welcome and
appreciated. You can contact me at free...@hotmail.com, for C & C,
flames, like targets, or whatever.
And on with the disclaimers:
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and all related characters are the
property of Best Brains, Inc. Scooby-Doo and all related characters
are the property of Time Warner. The story itself is the sole property
of IndianAsian, and he (she?) is welcome to it!
And the obligatory warning: If scenes of graphic sexuality involving
cartoon characters (including one four - legged one) offends you, hit
the back button. Otherwise, sit back and enjoy. (Or as much as that’s
possible.)
{Show theme, Door Sequence}
[The Bots are dressed in pjs, sitting around an old TV. In front of
them are huge bowls of some indistinct cereal]
Tom Servo: I tell ya’, Crow. Saturday mornings just aren’t the same
since The Smurfs went off the air!
Crow T. Robot: I know what you mean! I… What?!?
Tom: I don’t the Smurf cartoon. I mean when it went off the air, it
seemed to mark the end of an era.
Crow: And that era would be?
Tom: Era where cartoons were entertainment and didn’t try to be
anything else. None of this E/A crap. No thirty-minute toy
commercials. Just good old, sit-in-front-of -the-TV, turn-off-you-
brain-and-eat-cereal entertainment.
[Enter Joel Robinson]
Joel: Hi, everybody! Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I’m Joel
Robinson, and these are my little robot buddies, Crow and Tom Servo.
So guys; whatcha up to?
Crow: Oh, Tom’s just bitter because “Big Guy and Rusty” got cancelled.
Tom: [Sobbing] They could have given it one more year! I mean…*AHEM*
I am not! I just think that today’s cartoons just don’t measure up.
What about Scooby-Doo? What of the Flintstones? Whither Road Runner?
Joel: Umm…Tom? You weren’t created yet when those shows were still
fresh.
Crow. And besides, there’s a ton of cartoons on cable.
Tom: It’s just not the same, I tell you! It’s just not the same…
[Breaks into sobs again.]
Crow: Don’t mind him folks. He’s just bitter.
Tom: *SNIFF* Am not!
Joel: We’ll be right back.
{Commercial Break}
[Coming out of the break, Tom is ranting about…something!]
Tom: …And what’s the deal with Pokemon?!? “Pika, pika!” my hover
skirted butt! And don’t even get me started on all those Pokemon
clones. I mean the whole idea is absurd!
Crow: Man! Tommy’s on a roll today!
Joel: I know. I may have to cut off his supply of sugar frosted ram
chips, if this keeps up.
Tom: [Turning on Crow and Joel] TOUCH THE CHIPS AND DIE, ROBINSON!
Joel: Definitely too much sugar. [Mad Sign flashes] Oh, great! Now
Hanna and Barbarra are calling! [Hits button]
[Cut To Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is looking rather smug. TV’s Frank is
bouncing around in the background like a pre-schooler off his Ritalin.]
Dr. F: Hello, by little lab rats. Let’s cut right to the chase: I
don’t have an invention to exchange this week. I’ve been too busy
trying to keep Frank from destroying the lab.
Frank: [Running by] WOOOOOOOO!!!
[SOL]
Joel: Gee, Sir. What happened to Frank?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: He ate what was supposed to be the invention: Sugar Frosted
Crystal Meth Flakes.
Frank: [Running by again] YEEEOOOOWWWW!!!!
[SOL]
Tom: Now that’s just wrong!
Joel: And sick and evil and stuff!
Crow: Just how long has he been like that?
[Deep 13]
Dr F: [Checks his watch] I’d say…about three days.
Frank: [Manic Laughter from the background]
[SOL]
Crow: That’s…just so wrong!
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Well what do expect from me? I’M EVIL! And just for impugning
my bad name, I’m sending you the first in a series of fanfics inspired
by Helping Paws…
[SOL]
Joel: You’re gonna send us another Totoro lemon?!?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Don’t I wish! No, these fics are going to be in the “Wouldn’t
be so bad, except for…” vein. And we’re kicking things off with a
little piece of [Does finger quote thing] “erotic parody”
called “Scooby Did”! Send them the fic, Frank!
Frank: [running past] AIIIIIEEEEE!!!
Dr. F: [Watching Frank run on.] Right. [Hits button]
[SOL]
Joel: WE’VE GOT SEXFIC SIGN!!! [All run off screen]
[1]…[2]…[3]…[4]…[5]…[6] [*]
[Crow walks in and takes his seat, followed by Joel, carrying Tom
Servo.]
Tom: Wait a second: Did Dr. F say, “ *Scooby* Did”?
Joel: I think he did.
Crow: This is gonna go down hard! So to speak ...
Tom: Don’t start that this early!
>Scooby Did!
All: BOY DID HE!
>by IndianAsian <mailto:indo...@hotmail.com> ©
Tom: I’d like to see how that guy fills out a census form.
Joel: Probably “Other - Other” or something like that.
>***
Crow: …Raves Hustler!
Joel: “I liked it better than “Deep Throat!”
>Note: This story is an erotic PARODY of a children's cartoon.
Crow: Let’s take a moment to ponder how truly wrong that statement
sounds…
>It is not approved by the original creators of the characters which
are PARODIED here.
Tom: I think most of whom are dead.
Crow: The creators or the characters?
Tom: Either way, somebody’s rolling over in their graves over this.
>Though we do believe that the right to PARODY is protected by the
United States Constitution,
Crow: Like every weirdo in the country hasn’t used that defense!
Joel: And it’s not like anyone’s going to bother to tell them they
can’t.
Tom: Unless, of course, it starred Barbie. Then Mattel’s lawyers would
sue them out of existence.
>we are willing to remove this story at the request of the creators of
the original cartoon. Thanks and enjoy.
All: Don’t bet on it!
>The Mystery Machine stopped, rattled, backfired a puff of blue smoke,
and stalled.
Joel: [Fred] I told Shaggy to stop hiding his stash in the tailpipe!
>The side door slid open and Velma climbed out.
Crow: Unfortunately she forgot her glasses, and immediately tumbled
off a cliff. The end.
Tom: You’re going dark awfully quickly!
Crow: I know…
>She squinted at the house, polished her glasses on the edge of her
sweater, and took another look. "Zoinks,"
Tom: Velma said “Zoinks?”
>Shaggy said,
Tom: Sorry! Jumped the gun!
>poking his head out of the window. "Like, what a creepy pad."
Joel: Aren’t they always?
>The house was large and rambling, perched broodingly on a hill. It was
grey with black trim, surrounded by
>a rusty iron fence with arrowhead points. The yard was waist-deep in
weeds. In the evening light, shadows
>gave the house a cadaverous appearance.
Tom: So you’re saying that it was the same spooky old, abandoned
mansion that the Scooby gang seems to trip over in every episode?
>The broken-out windows gaped like empty eye sockets and mouths.
Weather vanes and chimneys were
>starkly silhouetted against an ominous sky.
Crow: A little flowery for Scooby-Doo, isn’t it?
>The front doors opened and Freddy and Daphne got out.
Crow: And immediately, the guitar licks kicked in.
Joel and Tom: BOMP CHIKA WOW! BOMP CHIKA WOW!
>The four of them stood in silence, studying the house. Inside the van,
Scooby's teeth chattered from his
>hiding place under a bunch of blankets.
Crow: Velma dearly hoped Scooby wouldn’t dig too deeply under those
blankets, and find “Mr. Vibes!”
Tom: [Makes Chainsaw noises]
Joel: [trying not to laugh] Stop it, you guys!
>"Well," Velma finally said, "it looks haunted, all right."
Joel: Wow! She really is the brains of the outfit!
>"I told you," Freddy said. "It is." "How did you hear about this
place, Freddy?" Daphne wrapped her arms
>around herself and shivered prettily.
Tom: There’s the first warning sign.
Joel: All ye who proceed, abandon all propriety.
>"Hey, like, I thought we were going to Pirate Days," Shaggy protested.
Crow: [Whiny Kid Voice] But I wanted to be a pirate!!!
>"Nobody said anything about haunted houses."
Tom: When do they ever?
>"The Pirate Days Festival doesn't start until tomorrow," Freddy
said. "We can explore the house, look for
>clues, and still make it in time."
Joel: Look for clues for what? Don’t they usually have to run into
some guy in a rubber monster suit first?
Tom: I’m pretty sure the author’s saving up his details for “later”.
Crow: Heh, Heh, Heh!
>"But I don't want to miss the pie-eating contest!" Shaggy rubbed his
skinny gut. "Like, all the pies you can eat, and
>if you eat the most, you win a prize!"
Joel: [Fred] Look! We have to stick to the script! So the munchies
will have to wait!
>"There will be plenty of time for that, Shaggy." Velma took a few
steps closer to the house, her round face
>alight with excitement.
Crow: And yet another description of a body part.
Tom: This is like putting up direction signs to a mountain range. You
can see it on the horizon, but someone wants to point the way, anyway.
>"This one could really be the one!"
Tom: The “one” what?
Joel: The one to take home to mother?
Crow: If she breaks into song, I’m leaving!
>"According to the legend, it was built in the 1800s by a river pirate.
You can just see the river over there."
Crow: [Daphne] I wonder what those men by the banks are doing with
that rolled up carpet?
Tom: Wouldn’t it be nice if we knew where they were, or why they were
there?
Joel: The where doesn’t really matter right now. As for they why?
Well…
Crow: Heh, heh, heh!
>Freddy pointed. "The man, Captain Boothe, made a fortune plundering
ships carrying timber, furs, and
>liquor to and from the harbor. He lived here, with his wife, until he
was murdered by his crew in a fight over
>.shares of the booty. His wife waited and waited for him to come home,
watching from that topmost cupola
>for the signal lanterns on his ship.
Crow: And you know this how…?
Tom: The same way they can end up driving through China with the
Harlem Globetrotters: They just do!
>They say she died there, and her ghost is still waiting for him to
come home. Sometimes, you can hear her
>Weeping or calling for him."
Crow: [Fred] And on Friday nights, they say you can hear her moaning
the name “Beauregard.” They haven’t figured out why.
Joel: Crow!
>"So that's why the college team is called the Pirates, and why they
have Pirate Days," Velma said happily.
Tom: Wait a minute! Did Velma just say all of that or did Freddy?
Joel: Just setting the stage for the upcoming sex scenes. The details
don’t really matter at this point.
Crow: But what’s the point! I mean we all know this is going to end
up with Fred nailing Daphne in some overly graphic fashion. And then,
maybe Velma. And then… [pauses] Oh NO!!! I just remembered!
Joel and Tom: What?
Crow: Don’t you see? This is a sexfic! A sexfic starring Scooby-
Doo!!!
Joel: Yeah, but I don’t see how that makes…any…Oh boy!
Tom: Now fellas… Don’t go getting all panicky! For all we know, it’s
just one big Fred/Daphne scene.
Crow: I know…but…[sniffs]…what if Oscar shows up?
[Slight pause]
All: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
Joel: Calm down, everybody calm down! For all we know, this author
doesn’t know who Oscar is, and we don’t know if he plans on having
Scooby involved in any way. Now lets just bear down and riff like
crazy. Are you with me?
Bots: Yes Sir!
Joel: I CAN’T HEEEEAR YOU!!!
Bots: YES SIR!!!
Joel: Alright! Now, let’s put this fic in its place!
>"It all makes sense. But how do you know about this?" "My cousin
belongs to a fraternity at the college.
>To join, he had to spend the night in the house as part of his
initiation. When I told him how we've been
>going around looking for ghosts, he told me the story."
Tom: She has a cousin, does she? [Church Lady] How conveeeenient!
>"Did ... did he see a ghost?" Shaggy was pale.
Joel: Sure he did! But then the DT’s passed and he was fine.
>In the van, Scooby's teeth chattered even louder.
Tom: [Daphne] NOOOO! Bad dog! Bad dog! Put down Mr. Vibes!
Crow: [Does chainsaw noise]
>"He saw something," Freddy said solemnly.
Tom: Wait, wait! Now was the cousin Velma’s or Fred’s?
Joel: Just smile and nod, Tom. Smile and nod.
>"He wasn't sure if it was a ghost, but it looked like a woman in a
long nightgown and kerchief, carrying a >Candle.
Crow: Then maybe it was just a woman in a long nightgown?
>He said he could see right through her."
Crow: Okay, a really thin woman?
>"That sounds like a real ghost to me!" Velma said.
All: Sure it does!
>"At last! All these times, finding nothing but conspiracies and slide-
projectors and glow-in-the-dark paint,
>at last we've found a real ghost! I'll be able to get some real
research material for my thesis!"
Joel: Thesis? Is this Scooby Doo - The College Years?
>"Oh, Velma, that'll be great!" Daphne enthused. "You've spent so much
money on this, practically your
>whole inheritance. I'm so glad we might finally find something real!"
Crow: Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a plot contrivance!
Tom: So Velma is some sort of heiress?
Joel: I think this is the author’s way of saying he’s an actual fan of
the show, and isn’t just using the characters for some cheap thrill.
Tom: And you actually believe this?
Joel: Not really, no.
>"Well, what are we waiting for?" Freddy said. "Come on, Scoob. It'll
be dark soon." "Rye row," Scooby
>said.
Crow: Ohhh boy! Here we go!
Tom: Stop it , Crow. It’s a Scooby Doo fic. You’re going to get
the “R’d” up words. Deal with it!
Joel: Yeah, you should really just relax.
>"Ry'll rstay right rhere." "How about for a scooby snack?" Freddy
wheedled, shaking the box. "Ruh-uh.
>Ruh-uh." "Two scooby snacks?" Pause. "Rno." Daphne took a snack from
the box and tossed it into the
>van. The lump of blankets shifted, and Scooby's big pink
All: NOOOOO!!!
>tongue
All: Whew!!!
>slithered out to scoop up the treat. His wagging tail thumped against
the floor. "Come on, Scooby Doo,
>where are you?" Daphne crooned, waving another snack in the air.
Shaggy was watching with undisguised
>lust.
Joel: Oh boy! Brace for impact, guys!
>Finally, it became too much for him and he snapped the snack from
Daphne's fingers just as Scooby
>emerged from the van.
Tom: False alarm!
Crow: Boy! What is in those Scooby snacks anyway?
>"Rhey!" the dog complained. "Oh, here's one for you," Daphne said,
tossing one. Scooby jumped for it.
>Shaggy jumped also. The two of them collided mid-air and collapsed in
a big ungainly heap.
Tom: [Chuckling] Good ol’ Shag and Scoob! Always good for a cheap
laugh!
Crow: You know? Outside of not knowing who the hell is talking half
the time and not knowing where the hell they are, this isn’t half bad.
Joel: Yeah! This almost reads like a standard TV episode. Outside of
Velma being an heiress, of course.
>"Will you two quit messing around?" Velma scolded. "We've got a ghost
to catch!"
Tom: Ahhh, it’ll probably be Old Man Smithers with some sort of mirror
thingy!
>With Freddy in the lead, Velma close behind him, Daphne in the middle,
and Shag and Scoob bringing up
>the rear,
[Joel and the Bots start humming the incidental music from Scooby Doo]
>they went through the rusty squeaky gate and up the overgrown path to
the porch. A swift flicker of light
>in an upstairs window. "Did you see that?" Velma gasped, clutching
Freddy's arm painfully tight and
>pointing up. It was gone, if there had been anything there. "Probably
just the reflections of a car's
>headlights in the window," Freddy said.
Crow: Is is too much to hope for that they’ve stumbled onto a meth lab
filled with armed psychos?
Tom: I think so, yeah.
Joel: That’s a little too dark, guys.
>"No, it couldn't be," Daphne argued. "The windows don't have glass.
And there's nothing out there but
>the river."
Tom: [Singing] Take me to the river! Drop me in the water!
>"Maybe it was the ghost!" Shaggy gasped. Scooby whimpered and plunged
his head to the ground as if
>he thought he was an ostrich.
Crow: [Know it all voice] Y’Know ostriches don’t really stick their
heads in the sand like that!
>"Hurry!" Velma trotted up the steps. Her skirt flapped, giving Freddy
a flash of sensible white cotton
>panties and strong pudgy thighs.
Crow: VRREET!!! VRREET!!! WARNING!: You have reached the point of
no return! To proceed is to risk exposure to extreme “Adult” content!
WARNING!
Joel: “Pudgy?” Now, that’s not right! Did IndianAsian ever see a
beach episode? Velma’s got a great figure. It’s that damn sweater
that …gives…her…
[The Bots are staring warily at Joel]
Joel: So I had a thing for Velma when I was a kid! Bite me!
>Daphne saw it too and gave him a sly sideways smile.
Crow: Isn’t this usually the part of the video when a blanket and
pillows appear out of nowhere?
Joel: Or a hairy naked guy wanders in.
>Shag and Scoob were staring up at the house with resigned dread, not
looking at her, so she raised the
>skirt of her blue dress enough to show him that her purple stockings
ended mid-thigh and were supported
>by lacy garters.
Tom: I thought they waited until Velma took off with Shaggy and Scooby
before they started that.
Crow: Folks? Ever wonder what really happens when Fred and Daphne
disappear? You’re about to find out!
Joel: You’d think Fred would pair off with Velma once in a while, just
for the variety.
Crow: JOEL!!! I’m SHOCKED!!!
Joel: What? That I’d say something like that?
Crow: No, that you beat me to it!
>Freddy's eyes widened and he grinned.
Crow: [Moron] Hur, hur!!! I’m gonna’ get sex ‘n’ stuff!
>As Velma crossed the porch, the door swung slowly open. Creeeeeaaak.
Tom: Dawson’s Creeeeeaaak?
>Scooby and Shaggy clung to each other like a couple of pre-teen girls
in a thunderstorm. Velma paused.
>"Hello? Is anybody there?"
Joel: [Deep threatening voice] NO! GO AWAY!!!
Crow: [Shaggy] Like, you heard the man! Let’s split!
>No answer. She looked back at the others. Daphne nodded
encouragingly.
Tom: Daphne gives Velma the signal. There’s the wind-up… the pitch…
Strike three! It’s over! The Giants won the pennant! The Giants won
the pennant!
[Joel and Crow make cheering noises]
Tom: Come on guys, time to go!
[All leave]
[6]…[5]…[4]…[3]…[2]…[1]…[ * ]
[Back at the SOL, Crow is standing in front of a chalkboard. The board
is full of scientific looking symbols and numbers, all pointing towards
some oval shaped drawing]
Crow: And that concludes this lecture. Any questions?
Tom: So you’re saying that Scooby Snacks are made of Lay’s potato
chips…
Crow: No one can eat just one!
Joel: Assorted Sara Lee deserts…
Crow: Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee!
Tom: Pringles…
Crow: Gives you the fever for the flavor!
Joel: Honeycomb…
Crow: Crazy cravings!
Tom: And amphetamines?
Crow: How else do you explain the sudden burst of energy?
Tom: So why don’t they effect the others like that?
Crow: Cause none of the other could choke the crap down! I mean look
at this stuff!
Joel: And speaking of energy boosts, I wonder how Frank is doing.?
[Hits Mads button]
[Back at Deep 13, Frank is strapped to a gurney, twitching like he was
being electrocuted..]
Frank: Lemmeoutlemmeoutlemmeoutithurtsithurtsmakeitgoawaysteve!
AHHHHH!!! GETEMOFFME!!! GETEMOFFME!!
Dr. F: Oh, don’t mind us, Joel. I’m just waiting for Frank’s antidote
to arrive.
[SOL]
Tom: How’d you finally nab Frank?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Oh, I had Jerry and Sylvia dig some pits. Played hell with the
linoleum, but we got him! Ah! Here comes the antidote!
[Torgo’s theme plays, and in shuffles Torgo himself.]
Torgo: You CallEd, DoCToR ForRSTeR?
Dr F: Ah, yes. Torgo. I need about 40cc of your blood to cure Frank.
Frank: WHAT?!? NOOOOOO!!!
Dr. F: Calm down, Frank! We need to try to slow you down! And since
we don’t have time to got the black market or experimental route, I
thought of Torgo. Besides, look at him! If he were any slower, he’d
travel back in time.
Torgo: WeLL, I DO mY BesT!
Dr. F: Right, now just roll up your sleeve and we’ll get this over
with! [Reaches off camera and pulls out a syringe as big as he is.]
Torgo: I ThOuGhT YOu SaId ThaT YoU OnlY NEEdeD 40 Ccs of mY BlOOd!
Dr. F: And it’s clearly marked as such, see? [Points to a marking
about a foot from the top of the syringe] Now, roll up your sleeves
and we’ll get this over with.
Torgo: BuT ThAt’S GoiNG, To HURt anD StuFf!
Dr. F: [Singsong voice] You’ll get some cookies and juice when you’re
done!
Torgo: OH! WeLl. SinCe YoU PUt thaT WaY! [Rolls up sleeve]
Dr. F: [Looks at camera] This may take a while! So you boys run
along back to the theater and finish the fic. The best part is yet to
come! So to speak. [Makes ready to jab Torgo.]
[SOL]
All: WE GOT SEXFIC SIGN!!! [Scurry off]
[END OF PART ONE]
--
***********FREEZER - MASTER...AND RULER...OF THE SQUIRRELS!!!***********
******** free...@hotmail.com ********
**** Visit _The Horde Zone_ at http://www.geocities.com/~mhorde ****
**** "My name is Makoto Kino! You remind me of an old boyfriend! ****
****** Prepare to die!" -- Crow T. Robot, MSTing of "Bloodbath" ******
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