MSTed: Treklander, parts 5-8
Petrea Mitchell
Many thanks and other pieces of gratitude to Jason, Steve, and
Larry for helping out.
If anyone out there has some words of wisdom for Jason-- he's
off the net for the summer, but I'll be snail-mailing him some stuff,
so I can forward messages.
And now, on with the show!
==================8<================================8<====================
[MSTH set. Well, what were you expecting-- Disneyland? The MSTH theme
plays, the lights come up, and "Jack Perkins" is there as usual.]
PERKINS: Welcome to another rollicking Mystery Science Theater Hour.
When we last saw our friends, they were in the middle of John
F. Moore's gripping psychological drama, "Treklander".
Starfleet "Embassador" Duncan "MacLoud" and his assistant Rich-
ie have joined the Next Generation Enterprise crew on a peace-
keeping mission. No sooner have they come on board than they
discover two more Immortals, Guinan and Ensign Cathaway, with
whom they become friends after what seems like a lifetime of
wandering back and forth between scenes, ending them just as
they're getting somewhere. Meanwhile, Commander Riker, in a
desperate attempt to have something to do with the story, has
become leery of the Embassador and his assistant. The tension
builds as the ship approaches Clari III, and... who knows what.
[roll theme 1.1]
[Commercials-- pH-balanced for your calling needs!]
[Theater. Joel carries Servo in, with Crow following.]
SERVO: ...can't even stay with it for one stupid skit!
CROW: Bite me.
JOEL: Cool it, guys.
> Path:
> newserv.ksu.ksu
CROW: .bang.bang
> .edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen
SERVO: That's one amorous bang path!
> .cso.uiuc.edu!howland.
> reston.ans.net!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!mozz.unh.edu!christa.unh.edu!jfm
> From: j...@christa.unh.edu (John F Moore)
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
> Subject: Treklander, Part 5
> Organization: University of New Hampshire - Durham, NH
> Lines: 96
> Message-ID: <2m53pr$dng
JOEL: Oh, that's it. Blame the newsreader.
> @mozz.unh.edu>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: christa.unh.edu
>
> (There can be only one...
CROW: [a la Rocky] Again??
> These are the voyages...)
>
> T R E K L A N D E R
>
> Copyright 1994 John F. Moore III
>
> Part 5
>
> At 1800 hours Ensign Cathaway entered Transporter Room 5.
SERVO: At 1801 hours Ensign Cathaway retreated hastily, mumbling an apo-
logy to the couple she had just interrupted.
> She was
> carrying a tote bag full of things she thought she might need
> planetside:
> spare uniforms, energy packs for her phaser,
JOEL: For when it gets tired out on those long hikes.
> toiletries,
CROW: Hey, it's Wakko's tote bag!
> her sword...
SERVO: No, it's a SCAdian tote bag!
> MacLoud and his assistant were already waiting. That she knew
> before
> entering, thanks to her damnable Sense.
SERVO: That is, thanks to her damnable fashion Sense.
JOEL: Stripes with plaid? Ewww!
CROW: [as Madam] I think your dress is FAAAA-bu-lous!
> She really hated being
> Immortal,
SERVO: [sarcastic] Oh, heavy burden!
> but didn't know if she had the courage to end it. Besides, Adam
> wouldn'
> have approved...
JOEL: [falsetto] I consult his spirit about all major decisions, you
know...
SERVO: This is sounding like an ABC Afterschool Special about peer pres-
sure.
> Commander Riker was also there, as well as Lt. Worf.
CROW: [falsetto] And Scarecrow, and Tin Man, and YOU, Cowardly Lion!
> She was about
> to
> step onto the transporter pad when she noticed that no one else was
> making a move in that direction.
JOEL: They were all standing around the water cooler swapping college
stories.
SERVO: [slightly nasal tone] Remember that time you drank a whole bot-
tle of Everclear and ralphed on the dean?
CROW: Oh, those _were_ the days, weren't they.
> "Something wrong, sirs?"
SERVO: What do you think, s--
JOEL: [placing a hand over Servo's, er, mouth] No.
> she asked, placing her bag on the pad and
> walking over.
CROW: [as Worf] Damn you, woman, be quiet! The souffle will fall!
> Riker cleared his throat.
SERVO: How unpleasant!
CROW: Well, it's more pleasant than having someone else clear it for
him.
> "The situation has escalated. The
> Captain
> has ordered that a qualified security detail be assigned--"
JOEL: Instead of the unqualified phaser fodder we usually send.
> "Despite my objections," MacLoud interrupted.
CROW: "Despite my interruptions," MacLoud objected.
> `I'm sure you objected MacLoud,' Cathaway thought. `You want my
> Quick-
> ening to yourself with no witnesses!'
JOEL: I didn't know Duncan was a Kennedy!
> "In any case," Riker continued,
SERVO: The prosecuting attorney is given a chance to reexamine a wit-
ness after the defense has taken its turn.
> "the Captain has ordered Lt. Worf to
> accompany the three of you down.
JOEL: Huh? I thought the captain wanted a qualified security detail!
CROW: Yeah -- the last couple seasons, Worf has been the galaxy's pun-
ching bag!
> Good luck to you all."
JOEL: If you or any of your team are caught or killed, Starfleet will
disavow any knowledge of your actions.
> The four stepped onto the pad
SERVO: Cool pad, man.
CROW: Thanks, I just had it done.
SERVO: Groovy.
> and Riker barked,
ALL: Woof!
> "Energize". Cathaway
> felt the tingle of her atoms being converted to energy
JOEL: You're not fully beamed unless you're ZESTfully beamed!
> and sent to the
> planet's surface.
SERVO: Then though the planet, out the other side, and back into deep
space. Apparently someone at the controls of the transporter had
really screwed up.
> As soon as Worf saw the surface of Clari III he pulled out his
> phaser
> and began scanning for potential targets.
CROW: I haven't shot anything this whole fanfic!
JOEL: This whole fanfic is shot already.
> The beings on this planet
> were
> hostile creatures who might mistake him and those he was sworn to
> protect
> as enemies.
SERVO: He was sworn to protect his enemies?
JOEL: Ha-- those wacky Klingons!
> MacMoud
JOEL: [announcer's voice] And the spelling and grammar errors are begin-
ning to fly fast and furious here at SoL Downs as we anxiously a-
wait the end of this fanfic.
CROW: Boy, do we ever.
> placed his hand on Worf's phaser arm and lowered it.
JOEL: Hey, gimme my arm back!
> "Calm
> down, Lieutenant. The last thing we need is for whoever's here to
> mistake us for the enemy by a display of weapons."
SERVO: We'd like them to think we're the enemy on the basis of our gar-
ishly colored clothes.
> Worf couldn't argue with MacLoud, because he was right;
CROW: Oh, is the great *MacLoud* infallible?
> any display
> of
> hostile intent could causew them to become targets. But at the same
> time,
> MacLoud made him look bad to a subordinate.
SERVO: What a crystalline depiction of the deep inner workings of
Worf's mind.
CROW: I feel like I know him!
JOEL: Yeah. Go, Worf!
> Worf settled on giving
> him a
> dirty look.
SERVO: No more "attentions" for you!
> "I'm going to have a look around. A representative of the Tyone
> faction
CROW: --really TIED ONE ON last night! A-heh, 'cause, y'see...
JOEL: I think it's pronounced "ty-own".
> was supposed to meet us here and take us to a neutral position where
> we'd
> meet with the Feuhl
SERVO: To feed the drive.
> faction's representative.
> "I'll go with you Mac,"
CROW: And cheese!
JOEL: But it _should_ be cheese and macaroni.
SERVO: 'Cause this thing is definitely the cheesiest.
> his assistant said.
> "No Richard, you stay with Worf, in case our contact centers on our
> transporter signal.
CROW: But, being the logical thing to do, the possibility's extremely
unlikely.
> Ensign Cathaway, you come with me."
JOEL: The principal wants to see you in her office right now.
> Worf noticed Cathaway tense immediately, but she complied and
> grabbed
> her bag.
SERVO: But what did Worf _think_ about that? How did it make him feel?
CROW: Yeah, we got such an insight into Worf's mind earlier, now I
want to know more!
JOEL: "Worf wondered why Cathaway tensed up, but then his warrior
training snapped him out of his introspective reverie and he a-
gain began scanning for those nasty aliens."
> As soon as they were out of sight and earshot from Worf, MacLoud
> turned
> to Cathaway. "Why are you afraid of me?"
SERVO: Because I heard you graduated from the Robert Packwood Charm
School.
> The question took Cathaway by surprise.
ALL: [jumping] AAAH!
> She was expecting MacLoud
> to
> go for his sword and blame her beath on `hostile natives', not a
> direct
> question.
JOEL: Yeah, it's hard to blame a person's beath on a direct question.
SERVO: Joel, what's a "beath"?
JOEL: When you're older, honey.
> "You...you're Immortal..."
CROW: Boy, she's quick on the uptake, isn't she?
SERVO: Yup.
> "You think all Immortals are cold-blooded killers?
JOEL: No, no-- some of us are more into white-collar crime!
> If I was, then
> Richard would've been dead long ago."
> "Richard is..."
SERVO: The guy who's always hanging around me. The one with the sword.
Will you pay attention, please?
> "You remember the picture in my quarters?"
SERVO: [thick German accent] Yes! I vas the sheep!
> Cathaway nodded. "He
> was
> with her the day she died.
CROW: In fact, he killed her. But we won't go into that.
> He was Awakened that day.
JOEL: By Robin Williams.
SERVO: Good movie.
CROW: I thought it bit.
> If I was such
> a
> cold-blooded killer, I would've taken his head the day I found out,
SERVO: And had it mounted above my fireplace. It'd look nice, don't you
think?
> while
> he was still adjusting to the change. Instead I nurtured him and
> tried
> to keep him safe
JOEL: And loved him and petted him and called him GEORGE.
> until I felt he was ready to explore the limits of
> his
> new abilities.
> "I admit I've taken more than my share of Immortal lives, but
CROW: I didn't learn not to in kindergarten.
> never
> unless they deserved to die.
JOEL: [as MacLoud] *I* decide who lives and who dies!
> You think Richie is my only Immortal
> friend?
SERVO: [falsetto] I think he's your only friend, period.
> I've come close to killing a few friends,
JOEL: And he wonders why she's afraid of him.
SERVO: Sad, really.
> only to pull them back to
> reason
> before the final strike.
JOEL: Then they'd take the next one high and tight for ball four. God,
I love baseball. What was I saying?
> One friend I DID kill, but only after he
> real-
> ized that he was a danger to everyone around him if he lived."
> "Why was he--"
SERVO: WILL you stop interrupting? The sooner he finishes his story, the
sooner this fanfic is over. Sit down and shut up!
> "He had a dark side that came out and killed those he felt close to.
> He had no memory of his dark side's actions; in fact, he thought that
> it
> was a different Immortal.
CROW: Yeah, yeah-- tell it to the judge!
> When he realized that his enemy was himself,
JOEL: He decided to switch sides. That way, everyone was happy.
> he begged me to take his life."
SERVO: I believe his exact words were, "What are you doing with that
sword? Get away from me! Help!"
> "I'm sorry, MacLoud," Julia said. "It's just that I've run into
> three
> Immortals since my Awakening, and every one of them
CROW: Has yelled at me for not knowing how to drive a stick, then sued
for physical and emotional damages.
> cared nothing but
> to
> take my head. Friends?"
JOEL: What about them?
> Julia extended her hand, which MacLoud took.
SERVO: Thanks. I'll return it next week.
> Julia found herself
> looking into MacLoud's eyes. She wanted to turn away, but there was
> something captivating about him. She was entranced in his eyes,
JOEL: But first she had to be carded.
> eyes
> that
> have seen an eon pass.
SERVO: And trust me, folks, it isn't pretty.
> They gazed at each other for what seemed like
> an
> eternity.
CROW: To the helpless fanfic victims praying only for a quick and pain-
less demise.
SERVO: Will you stop with the pointless optimism already? It's depres-
sing me.
> The moment before their lips met her communicator switched
> on.
JOEL: Julia, this is Dot Matrix. Watch it, girl.
> *Worf to Cathaway*
CROW: Oh, great timing, Worf!
> Julia composed herself
SERVO: In E Flat.
> and pressed her commbadge.
CROW: [falsetto] He's always commbadgering me!
> "Cathaway here."
> "Prima Tu-Jar of the Tyones has arrived.
JOEL: Prima Tu-Jar, by Sylvia Plath.
> Return to Base Camp
JOEL: Oswald's been shot. Repeat, Oswald has been shot.
CROW: Wait a minute. Worf and Richie set up a camp while these two were
having their interlude?
SERVO: Yeah, they probably set it up during that eternity back there.
> immediat-
> ly."
ALL: Immediately, immediately, immediate-L-Y!
JOEL: Bye-bye!
> "On our way."
> Julia looked at MacLoud.
SERVO: Stop looking at me!
JOEL: Tom, I think you're getting a bit carried away with that joke.
SERVO: No, I mean it. Crow! Stop looking at me!
CROW: [innocently] I was only watching the fanfic like I was supposed
to.
SERVO: The hell you were!
CROW: Well, how do YOU know?
JOEL: All right, that's enough. Tom, pay attention to those nice people
in "Treklander". Mr. T. Robot, I'll deal with you later.
SERVO: [sotto voce] I hope you fry.
CROW: Bite me.
SERVO: Hey!
> "Perhaps another time...Duncan?"
> MacLoud grinned at her. "If it's one thing we have, it's time."
CROW: That, and an amazing capacity for irritating hyperbole.
> --
> *********************************************************************
> ********
SERVO: Now I know where the snows of yesteryear are.
> Prince John III j...@christa.unh.edu
> Join the Government of New Atlantis...
JOEL: And die a watery death!
> Email me today and ask
> how!
CROW: How you ever got access to an Internet account?
> "I Feel Like a Number" -- Bob Segar
SERVO: "I Feel Like I'm Going to Puke" -- Tom Servo
> Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu
JOEL: Not to be confused with curly.ksu.ksu.edu or jfm.ksu.ksu.edu.
> !vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.
> reston.ans.net!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!mozz.unh.edu!christa.unh.edu!jfm
> From: j...@christa.unh.edu (John F Moore)
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
> Subject: Treklander, Part 6
> Organization: University of New Hampshire - Durham, NH
> Lines: 87
> Message-ID: <2mi0
CROW: What? It's B1FF singing an aria!
> b7$f...@mozz.unh.edu>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: christa.unh.edu
>
> (There can be only one...
SERVO: If that's true, how come he's said that six times so far?
JOEL: Because he's a... liar!
ALL: Liar, liar!
CROW: It's my birthday today.
SERVO: Heh heh.
> These are the voyages...)
>
> T R E K L A N D E R
>
> Copyright 1994 John F. Moore III
>
> Part 6
>
> Duncan and Julia
ALL: Sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
SERVO: Heh heh.
> walked back to the Base Camp. Along the way,
JOEL: They met a wizened old man who offered them the secret of immor-
tality in exchange for a single kiss.
SERVO: Julia laughed in his face. Strangely, Duncan complied.
> they
> shared a number of things about themselves,
CROW: Bodily fluids, that sort of thing.
> and Julia admitted that
> there
> was one other Immortal who didn't try to kill her, Guinan. Guinan
> helped
> her through her fiancee's death and through her own fears about her
> new
> life.
> "I had someone like that too. His name was Darius, and for over
> four
> hundred years he was like a father to me...until he was murdered by a
> mortal."
SERVO: As much as I try, I still can't reconcile the term "Immortal"
with being murdered 'n' death 'n' stuff. Can they be killed or
can't they?
JOEL: Well, yes...
SERVO: Then they're not Immortal, are they?
JOEL: Well, no, but...
SERVO: Well, which is it?
JOEL: It's not as simple as that.
SERVO: You don't know, do you?
JOEL: Um... no.
SERVO: Then what good are you?
> Julia noticed that Duncan was very tense when he mentioned Darius.
CROW: [suggestively] Of course, Julia knew what to do when someone was
tense.
JOEL: Crow.
CROW: What? She read him a bedtime story until he fell asleep.
JOEL: Uh huh.
> She
> was about to question him about Darius's death when she saw Worf and
> a
> squat four-legged orange
SERVO: They're mediating a war between ambulatory fruits?
> creature with several pseaudopods on its
> torso
> eyestalks all round its conical head.
JOEL: It had pseudopods on its torsal eyestalks?
SERVO: No, on its round conical head. Can't you read?
> She and Duncan immediately
> stopped
> the conversation. She was told of the dangers of allowing mortals,
> especially ones prone to violence, know of the Immortals' existance
CROW: And never EVER let them see you sweat.
> Duncan walked up to the creature and addressed it.
JOEL: Let's see, "John F. Moore III, j...@christa.unh.edu". That should
do it.
CROW: Hey, how come you never let us do that?
JOEL: This is a special case, Crow. It's called using art against the
artist.
> "Long life to
> you
> and your family. I am Embassador Duncan MacLoud."
JOEL: You killed my father. Prepare to die.
> The creature faced Duncan and spoke. "Have peace with your Essence,
> MacLoud-Duncan.
SERVO: Oh, God, it's an alien flower child!
> I am Prima Tu-Jar of the Tyone peoples.
JOEL: And this is Lothar. He's a friend from across the hills.
> It is
> refreshing
> to see a two-leg who knows our customs."
CROW: Err... we prefer to be known as `persons of bipedality'.
> Worf sneered at Tu-Jar
SERVO: [deep voice] I sneer at you. Look. Look at me sneer! Do you see
it?
> as it
> continued, "The meeting place is ready, as per your specifications.
JOEL: It's a good thing Riker didn't come, though... we couldn't get
those fifty dancing girls he wanted.
> The
> Feuhl will be arriving soon, although I do not expect much."
JOEL: [Minnewegian old lady voice] They never bring anything to these
parties, though I asked them to bring bars and punch.
SERVO: [similar voice] Oh, they're so rude. Why do you keep inviting
them?
JOEL: [dat voice again] Well, their daughter's married to my cousin's
kid, so it's like they're family.
> "We must be hopeful, Prima.
CROW: Donna.
SERVO: Shalala.
JOEL: Stop.
> I take it the Feuhl were the ones to
> resume
> hostilities?"
CROW: Yes, those Feuhls. Heh, heh.
> "Yes. Soon after a large, dark-skinned two-leg arrived, the
> hostilities
> resumed."
JOEL: Worf? You started this?
> "I would be very anxious to meet this...`two-leg'
SERVO: ...and I use the term loosely...
> that seems to have
> spurred the conflict."
> The party arrived at the meeting place, an abandoned underground
> shelter.
JOEL: I wanted to live deep, and suck all the marrow out of life!
CROW: Carpe Cattrell!
> Inside was a table with a single makeshift chair (the
> Clarians
> apparently had no use for such things,
SERVO: No, they had factory-built chairs.
> as well as two others against
> the
> wall.
JOEL: They apparently have no use for right parentheses, either.
CROW: Oh, I'll put it in for them: )
JOEL: That was very nice of you, Crow. Thank you.
SERVO: Suck up.
CROW: Bite me.
SERVO: Make me.
CROW: Watch me.
JOEL: Excuse me?
> "I apologize for not having enough sitting apparatus
SERVO: Shouldn't that be "apparatuses"?
JOEL: "Apparati"?
SERVO: Thanks, not before lunch.
> for your group,
> but we were unsure of the size of your group."
CROW: <heh heh>
JOEL: Before you finish that thought, mister, think about how many RAM-
chips that'll cost you.
CROW: [meekly] Sorry, oh Captain my Captain.
> "It's quite alright. This will do just fine. Your hospitality is
> most
> appreciated."
SERVO: Mister Bond.
> Julia heard Richard clear his throat,
CROW: That _rat bastard_!
> but Duncan ignored him.
SERVO: [whispering] Psst! Mac! XYZ!
> "When
> will the Feuhl delegate be arriving?"
JOEL: Let me check. Ah, here it is. Arriving 2:27 at gate 33. Thank you
for choosing TreklandAir.
> "Within two cycles.
CROW: Wash and spin.
> The Feuhl have been informed of your arrival."
SERVO: My God, they know we're here!
No, wait, that's good.
> "Perhaps we should keep a watch so that
JOEL: We can always know what time it is.
> the delegate can be welcomed
> when it arrives. Do we have sleeping arrangements?"
> Tu-Jar seemed confused. "You do sleep erect?
[Crow makes a big show of not saying anything.]
> We were unaware of
> this
> detail of two-leg society."
> "I'm sure the floor is quite comfortable," Duncan then turned to the
> others, "unless you wish the comforts of the Enterprise?"
SERVO: Boy, let's see. Floor, Enterprise, floor, Enterprise... it's such
a tough decision.
JOEL: Unless they'd be sleeping on the floor of the Enterprise.
> Richard seemed to consider Duncan's offer to return, but declined.
JOEL: I'm FALLLLLIIIINNNNGGG...
> Worf was duty-bound to remain, while Julia
CROW: Was bound by leather and chains.
> had...her own reasons to
> stay.
> "Then I'll take the first watch with Ensign Cathaway," Duncan said.
SERVO: Although I don't plan to do much watching, if you know what I
mean.
> "We'll take four-hour shifts, Richard and Lt. Worf will take the other
> watch."
JOEL: Richard and Worf... I don't think I can handle another romantic
subplot.
> "And what shall I do, MacLoud-Duncan?"
> Duncan grinned at Tu-Jar.
SERVO: First off, don't EVER screw up my name again.
> "You'll teach me about your people. It
> will
> help me relate to both delegates better. I'm sure the sociology files
> the
> Federation has don't begin to explain tyour people's ways."
JOEL: [as MacLoud] *I* wrote those files, haha!
> Tu-Jar made a guttaral warble,
CROW: What's that?
JOEL: I think it's a kind of bird.
SERVO: He made a bird?
JOEL: Well, an origami bird.
> which Julia assumed was the way the
> Clarians laughed.
SERVO: Little did she know...
> "You are indeed a wise being, MacLoud-Duncan. I
> shall
> rest until you return from your watch."
CROW: Tu-Jar's resting while Duncan's working. Which one is the wise be-
ing?
> As he prepared to go outside, Duncan was stopped by Richie.
JOEL: [adolescent voice] Can I see your hall pass?
> "Why didn't you introduce us, Mac?"
SERVO: [as Richie] I wanna make sure I get the first dance!
> "Because both delegates haven't arrived arrived yet. Get some rest
> Richie."
CROW: Richie's not the one who's typing things twice twice.
> Julia was already waiting for Duncan when he exited the shelter.
SERVO: [Scottish accent] You must have flown to reach this room ahead of
me.
JOEL: [falsetto] You have learned many things since your arrival on this
planet, but the short route through the labyrinth is not one of
them.
> "Do you think you'll be able to talk peace with these people?"
> "First I need to talk them into renewing the cease-fire. Tu-Jar
> seems
> more than willing to help me, so now I need to work on the Feuhl
> delegate. Once I can stop them from killing each other I can try to
> reach some sort of treaty."
CROW: See, most people would try for the treaty first.
> "What about this other being that he mentioned?"
> "*It* mentioned. Clarians are unisexual beings. I'm not sure what
> to
> make of that.
JOEL: You wanna make somethin' of it?
> Someone wants to keep the hotilities going, and I want
> to
> find out why."
> "That can wait until the fighting stops. For now, why don't we make
> a
> little peace of our own..."
> Duncan then embraced Julia and kissed her.
SERVO: As if the euphemism wasn't obvious enough...
> --
> ********************************************************************
> *********
> Prince John III j...@christa.unh.edu
> Join the Government of New Atlantis...Email me today and ask
> how!
JOEL: How?
> "If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free" -- Sting
CROW: But if you hate someone, surely you can commit no greater evil
towards them than sending them this fanfic.
> Path:
SERVO: Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother's house we
DIED.
> newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.
> reston.ans.net!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!mozz.unh.edu!christa.unh.edu!jfm
> From: j...@christa.unh.edu (John F Moore)
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
> Subject: Treklander, Part 7
CROW: [on the verge of breaking into tears] I feel like a bowl of petun-
ias!
> Organization: University of New Hampshire - Durham, NH
> Lines: 102
> Message-ID: <2mnrl5$2...@mozz.unh.edu>
JOEL: [Southern accent] Says here you wuz born in 1975. Is that true?
SERVO: [adolescent voice] Uh... yessir.
JOEL: Well, that ain't 21 now, is it?
SERVO: No, sir, not back then. But that's an old ID.
JOEL: I see. In that case, I s'pose it's okay.
> NNTP-Posting-Host: christa.unh.edu
>
> (There can be only one...
SERVO: One post to rule them all, one post to bind them.
> These are the voyages...)
>
> T R E K L A N D E R
>
> Copyright 1994 John F. Moore III
>
> Part 7
CROW: Look, lucky seven!
SERVO: Oh, yeah, real lucky.
JOEL: At least it isn't lucky seventy.
SERVO: Eurgh. You've made your point.
> After a day and a half, Duncan had learned much about the
JOEL: Way of the ninja.
CROW: [bored] Hai... keeba.
> Clarians and
> the reasons behind the war between the Tyones and the Feuhl.
CROW: Strangely enough-- bad haircuts.
SERVO: Hmm.
But you'd think he'd've researched that while he was on the En-
terprise.
> He and
> Julia
> were about to relieve Richie and Lt. Worf
JOEL: After a day and a half? That's the longest four-hour watch I've
ever seen!
> when the sound of a
CROW: Hundred thousand people saying `whop'--
> phaser dis-
> charge was heard and Worf flew backwards down the stairs with a burn
> on
> his chest.
SERVO: [deep voice] I can fly! I can fly! I can-- waauugh!
CROW: Sounds wacky! If only someone had been there to videotape it for
"The Federation's Funniest Home Videos"!
> Julia pressed her combadge.
CROW: --into her neck, taking herself out of this fanfic for good.
> "Enterprise, beam Lt. Worf directly to Sick
> Bay,
JOEL: And none of those "shortcuts" like last time. We lost fifteen peo-
ple!
> he's been hit hard by a phaser!"
CROW: Either that, or he's been eating Riker's super-hot chili again.
> Julia turned to Duncan, but he was already bounding up the stairs.
SERVO: Duhh... stairs go UP!
> "Richie!"
> Duncan exited the shelter, but there was no sign of Richie or
> whoever
> attacked Lt. Worf. His first thought was that Richie was
> disintegrated,
JOEL: And he'd be rid of that pest forever!
> but if that was so, why was Worf still intact? No, Richie had to be
> hiding or trying to find whoever attacked the shelter. Drawing his
> sword,
> Duncan began searching as well.
> After a few minutes, he Sensed someone behind a column.
CROW: So they're outside... and there just happens to be a column handy.
> "Richie?" he whispered. No answer.
> He stalked up to the column and whispered Richie's name again.
> Still
> no answer. He came around to face whoever was behind the column, and
> nearly caved in Julia's skull.
JOEL: [as MacLoud] Damn! Missed!
> "Jesus, MacLoud,
SERVO: [as MacLoud] I told you to never call me that in public!
> a simple hello would've done!" she whispered.
> "Julia, what're you doing out here? You should be guarding the
> Prima."
> "I had the Enterprise beam Tu-Jar aboard."
CROW: Just imagine all the trouble we could've avoided if we'd thought
of that *a day and a half* ago!
> "Get there yourself. I don't want to endanger--"
> "No way, MacLoud! You're not getting away from me that easily.
> We'll
> split up and find that bastard."
>
> Richie limped back to the shelter to find it empty.
JOEL: Hey, Mr. Moore, don't tell us how he got that limp or anything.
> *Great!* he thought, *either they're all dead or they left thinking
> I
> was. Well, I'm gonna find a way to get home.*
SERVO: Screw this. I'm gonna go back and hit on Troi.
> Richie limped out to find his hunter.
>
> Duncan Sensed someone on the other side of a nearby structure. He
> hoped it was Richie. He was starting to worry. He'd been searching
> for
> over twenty minutes and had found Julia three times,
JOEL: I guess his life span wasn't the only thing his mutation helped...
> but still hadn't
> found Richie.
> He came around and caught the glint of moving steel and ducked just
> in
> time as the blade of a sword struck the structure where his neck was
> a
> moment ago.
CROW: The basilisk had gotten to him first!
> "So, Sinor MacLoud, we meet again. Thees time only one of us shall
> walk away!"
JOEL: Oh, no, he's being attacked by Speedy Gonzalez!
CROW: Andale, andale, andale, aieeeEEEEE!
> Duncan stood poised to face a man he had not seen since the Alamo.
SERVO: That other guy's really refined his accent in the past five cen-
turies, y'know?
> Captain Picard entered Sick Bay to see his head
CROW: Covered with luscious, thick, curly hair.
> of security under a
> surgical unit.
JOEL: Worf, really!
> "What's his status, Doctor?"
> Dr. Cruasher's eyes never left the screen she was looking at.
CROW: Who's Doctor Cruasher?
JOEL: Apparently, someone with removable eyes.
> "He
> was
> hit by a phaser down there.
SERVO: And we've been using him for target practice a little up here,
too.
> He's in critical condition, and not
> improving
> very well."
JOEL: That's why we call it "critical" condition.
> "Will he be all right?"
SERVO: He's in critical condition!!
> "I don't know. He was hit square ion the chest.
CROW: I've heard of cations and anions...
> Whoever hit him
> was
> an excellent shot and knew exactly where to hit him.
JOEL: And had superb marksmanship skills as well.
> If not for
> Ensign
> Cathaway's quick response he'd be dead."
> Picard pressed his combadge. "Picard to Bridge."
JOEL: King's bishop to Queen's pawn four, check.
> `Riker here.'
> "Any word from the Away Team
SERVO: They were cancelled back in the '80s.
> since the attack on Lt. Worf?"
> `Ensign Cathaway had Prima Tu-Jar beamed aboard and said she was
> going
> to try to capture whoever attacked the Away Team, thinking it might be
> a
> link to whoever renewed conflicts down there.'
> "Keep track of her. And send down a security detail to help in the
> search. Picard out."
>
> Julia ran to the sound of steel on steel.
SERVO: [singing] Hark to the sound of metal on metal, the call of bat-
tle, come if you dare!
> She was stopped by
> Richard.
CROW: Who appeared magically at the command of the author.
SERVO: Oh, come on, he was probably just behind a tree or something.
> "What's going on?"
> "Mac's found our attacker...an Immortal."
CROW: I thought this planet was supposed to be a wasteland-- you know,
blast craters and toxic gases, the ruins of shattered cities, the
wreckage of war everywhere...
SERVO: No, I have it more like a dangerous wilderness. In the hidden
depths of the forest, guerilla fighters strike from hidden bases,
then blend once more into the night...
> "How do you know that?"
> "I Sensed him just before Worf was hit. How is he?"
> "He was barely alive when I had him returned to the ship."
JOEL: I was thinking it might be a lot like back home. Sure, it's got
its rainy days and mosquitos and stuff, but it's really a nice
place, if you stop and look around.
CROW: No, I've got it-- the fierce sun burns mercilessly over a parched
land. Gusts of wind hurl sand at the unwary traveller, chafing
the skin, and the airs scorches your lungs. Here, you must find
water-- or die.
> "And the Prima?"
> "Safe. We've got to help Duncan!"
> "It's his fight. We can't interfere. It's part of the Rules, you
> know
> that."
SERVO: Oh, who are we kidding? It's just a standard-issue blank planet!
JOEL: I miss the earth.
CROW: Shh. We're watching the fanfic.
> "But--"
> Julia watched helplessly as she saw Duncan gaining an upper hand,
> backing his foe against one of the columns. Suddenly Duncan was
> thrown
> back by a phaser discharge.
> The other Immortal holsered his phaser
SERVO: So how _does_ one "holser" a phaser?
> and sauntered up to Duncan.
> "So sinor MacLoud, eet seems that you fell for the same treeck
> twice,
> eh?"
CROW: [Sylvester the Cat voice] Thuff'rin' thuccotash!
> The Immortal poised over Duncan for the Final Strike.
ALL: [assorted cheers of encouragement]
> "NO!" Julia screamed as she charged him. Throwing her fury behind
> her,
SERVO: And her melancholy in front of her--
> she knocked the Immortal back. But he was quick to recover and hit
> her
> behind the neck with his sword, sending her reeling.
CROW: Joel, what part of the body is behind the neck?
JOEL: I'll explain later.
> "You should not be so queek to die, sinorita," he said as he swung
> his
> sword to her neck...
> ...And was blown back by a phaser blast.
ALL: [disappointed] Aww!
> Three officers from the
> Enterprise rushed into the battlesite.
> "Away team to Enterprise. Six to beam up and one to beam to the
> Brig."
SERVO: Ahhh... which one goes to the brig?
>
> --
> ********************************************************************
> *********
JOEL: Floral borders courtesy of 1-800-FLOWERS.
> Prince John III j...@christa.unh.edu
> Join the Government of New Atlantis...Email me today
CROW: And receive a complimentary straitjacket!
> and ask
> how!
> "If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free" -- Sting
CROW: `Hey, Joel, haven't you noticed how inconsistent Prince John is
about quoting text?'
SERVO: *Yeah, like asterisks get used for the communicators, or for
people thinking to themselves, or for emphasis, without any
rhyme or reason.*
JOEL: #Oh, I see what you mean. Like this?#
CROW: ++You've got it!++
SERVO: [boyish voice] %%HaHA%% It's fun!
JOEL: @This@can@get@really@cumbersome.@
CROW: -=>I see what you mean!<=-
> Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.
> reston.ans.net!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!mozz.unh.edu!christa.unh.edu!jfm
> From: j...@christa.unh.edu (John F Moore)
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
> Subject: Treklander, Part 8
> Organization: University of New Hampshire - Durham, NH
> Lines: 71
> Message-ID: <2n7r6e$pkt
SERVO: [singing] R-6-e-string-p-k-t, find out what it means to me!
> @mozz.unh.edu>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: christa.unh.edu
>
> (There can be only one...
CROW: ...way to stop this. Paw, get th' shotgun.
> These are the voyages...)
>
> T R E K L A N D E R
>
> Copyright 1994 John F. Moore III
>
> Part 8
>
> CAPTAIN'S LOG: Stardate 48397.4 We have captured the leader of the
> Feuhl military, an Earthling known as Sancho Marin.
JOEL: Sancho Marin County?
SERVO: Sancho Marin County, Jr.?
> We have not yet
> found
> out why he's trying to escallate hostilities here, or even how he
> managed
> to survive a direct hit from a phaser,
CROW: Or how this fanfic has survived to have a Part 8,
> but I intend to find out.
> Embass-
> ador MacLoud and the away team assigned to him, with Lt. Dijar
> replacing
> an injured Lt. Worf
JOEL: I think they should've traded for Canseco instead.
> have since returned to the surface to begin
> negotia-
> tions between the two factions.
SERVO: Say, one of them was critically injured, and two more came this
close to being killed! Let's send them down AGAIN, but with a
less experienced security officer!
> Julia watched as Duncan disarmed the tempers of Prima Tu-Jar and the
> Feuhl delegate, Ryla Drei-Fru.
JOEL: [MacGyver voice] OK, now I just snip this red wire, and that
should disarm it...
> "But we have no promise that the Feuhl will keep the cease-fire this
> time! Your military advisor, Marin-Sancho, could not have brought you
> to
> battle if you did not wish to go."
CROW: Look, when you gotta go, you gotta go.
> "It has a point," Duncan said. "What promise can you give that
> you'll
> keep your end of the bargain, Ryla?"
> "I swear on the blood of my children that we will not attack the
> Tyone
> as long as Marin-Sancho remains away.
SERVO: Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.
> His followers were few, but
> they
> were enough to convince the Tyones that we wished to continue the
> attack.
JOEL: Wouldn't they have wanted to convince their own side first?
> Without their leader, his followers have no direction."
> MacLoud stretched. "Well, it's getting late. I think we have
> enough
> trust between us that no one will try to kill the other, so why don't
> we
> rest for the night and start talks in earnest tomorrow?"
CROW: Yeah, we don't want to end this story too soon.
> "Agreed, MacLoud-Duncan."
> "I concur."
> "At last," Julia mumbled to Dijar. "I thought he'd NEVER get those
> two
> to speaking terms..."
SERVO: He got them to speaking tongues. Is that close enough?
> Julia and Duncan went to the back room as Dijar stood guard. Dijar,
> a
> Ceradian, only needed sleep once every standard month for 72 standard
> hours.
CROW: But he packed a whole month's worth of snores into those 72 stan-
dard hours!
> Because of this, Ceradians were excellent as sentries or
> guards.
JOEL: But really terrible as customer service reps.
> Riker certainly picked a good replacement for the Klingon.
CROW: In fact, they were thinking of letting Michael Dorn go.
SERVO: But he's got that cool deep voice! It wouldn't be the same with-
out Worf!
CROW: Well, they got rid of that Pulaski doctor woman, and David Ger-
rold, and the show's somehow withstood those irrevocable losses.
> Julia looked at the cots that MacLoud had replicated.
JOEL: Oh, so not only was he defusing tempers and charming the ladies,
he was experimenting with inanimate reproduction.
> These were
> certainly more comfortable-looking than the floor.
> She was asleep moments after lying down.
SERVO: But how does Worf feel about this?
> "I advise against this, sir," Riker said as he and Picard headed
> toward
> the brig.
CROW: [as Picard] First officer or not, you stole those Jolly Ranchers
from Ten Forward, and you're going to have some time to think a-
bout what you've done, young man!
> "I understand your concern, Number One, but if he won't talk we have
> to
> do this."
> They arrived at Marin's cell. Waiting there was Lt. T'dor, a Vulcan
> with Behavioral Sciences.
SERVO: Say, Lt., could I borrow couple of your Behavioral Sciences for
the weekend?
> The Vulcan nodded to the Captain and his
> first
> officer as they approached.
> "Hello Mr. T'dor."
> "Captain, Commander. I am ready to perform
JOEL: The Major-General's song from _Pirates of Penzance_, *without a
net*!
> the mindmeld with your
> permission."
CROW: I'd rather you performed the mindmeld with the prisoner.
> "Make it so." Picard said as the security officer trained his
> phaser
> on Marin and released the force field.
> Marin didn't move as T'dor entered and began the ritual.
JOEL: O Eater of a Thousand Characters... O Mighty Shub-Internet...
SERVO: Whisper its name!
> "My mind to your mind...my thoughts to--"
> Suddenly, as quick as thought, Marin seized the Vulcan officer
> andused
> him as a shield.
CROW: He also grabbed a couple spaces to use as bracers.
> "Let me go, or your pointy-eared amigo weel have an odd angle to
> hees
> head!"
JOEL: Like he doesn't have plenty of odd angles around his head already.
> `Captain,' Data said,
SERVO: Data, I didn't know you could teleport! Boy, you learn something
every day around here.
> `Sensors are picking up a ship approaching
> fast.'
> "What type?" Picard asked.
> `Unknown.'
CROW: Strike up another impressive victory for the ever-knowledgeable
Enterprise computer!
JOEL: Well, it's not _totally_ unknown. After all, they already know it's
a _fast_ ship.
> "Go to Yellow Alert."
> `Aye sir.'
> Sancho Marin merely smiled.
JOEL: [Bela Lugosi voice] How fortunate! This simplifies everything!
> --
> ********************************************************************
> *********
> Prince John III j...@christa.unh.edu
> Join the Government of New Atlantis...
CROW: Could we not and say we did?
> Email me today and ask
> how!
SERVO: Whew! Thank God that's over!
JOEL: [picking Servo up and standing up] Yeah, I was worried--
> Path: agora.rain.com!pagesat.net!olivea!decwrl!hookup!europa.eng
> .gtefsd.com!howland.reston.ans.net!wupost!csus.edu!netcom.com
> !netcomsv!midcom!liberty.com!Mishka
> From: Mis...@liberty.com
JOEL: [sitting down again] Oh, no.
> Newsgroups: alt.culture.internet
> Message-ID: <11691KHHU...@liberty.com>
> Subject: KIng Louis XV & America
CROW: Noooo! Not this again!
> Lines: 11
SERVO: Hey, it's the Reader's Digest version!
> A word on Compassion.
JOEL: Have you hugged your kids today?
> It's alright to be kind, but kindness must only be given to those who
> deserves it. And who would deserve it more than the ones who gave it
> most
> (ie. King Louis).
SERVO: Or your humble Mishka self, I suppose.
CROW: Joel, can a guillotine be considered an instrument of compassion?
> ========================= !!! Automated Notice !!! ===================
> ====
> E-mail replies to this user should have the following on the first
> line
> of
JOEL: Their hospital admission forms.
> message text: TO: Mishka
> =====================================================================
> =======
SERVO: Okay, now we're outta here.
[Joel picks Servo up again, and they all leave the theater.]
...o...2...3...4...5...6...G
[SoL bridge. Joel, Crow, and Servo are standing in their usual places.]
CROW: Whew! Eight chapters, and the plot only made a cameo appearance at
the end!
SERVO: Yeah, but there was something all through this story... something
ominous. Didn't you feel it?
JOEL: C'mon, there wasn't anything we haven't seen before. One-dimension-
al characters, bad grammar, worse spelling, scenery that exists on-
ly for convenience, total rewriting of the history of well-estab-
lished characters, dumb heroes and dumber villains, everything
else-- sure, but we've dealt with all that before.
CROW: Tom's right, Joel. There was a feeling of inescapable doom! It was
like watching a countdown to my own execution!
SERVO: Yeah! Transporter Room 5...
CROW: Fyla IV...
SERVO: Clari III...
JOEL: John F. Moore, too...
CROW: There can be only one...
[Cambot starts up some music that is a bit cheerier than the mood might
suggest. Tom, Crow, and Joel start singing.]
ALL: We'd like to see them all at ground zero--
SERVO: The blithering sidekick,
JOEL: The smart-aleck hero,
CROW: The Mexican who's after everyone's head--
ALL: We'd like to see them all dead!
JOEL: The ensign who jumps at the sound of her name,
CROW: The alien extras who all talk the same,
SERVO: And ev'ryone else in this flaming cow pie--
ALL: We'd like to see them all die, die, die, die!
CROW: Lock them away where some horrid thing lurks,
SERVO: Shoot them, behead them, whatever will work!
JOEL: Push them off a lighthouse-- what do you think of that?
ALL: We'd like to see them go splat!
SERVO: It isn't a kind thought, but it must be said--
ALL: We'd like to see them all dead!
SERVO: DEAD!
JOEL: [back to speaking] What do you think, sirs?
<>
DR. F: I think I'll have to make sure you get to see the rest of this
one. [yanks Frank forward by the head ring] Until next time, boo-
by-- [hits button]
<fwshhhh>
\ | /
\ | /
---0---
/ | \
/ | \
[sound like tearing and snapping celery]
FRANK: <whimper>
DR. F: Well, don't dig your heels in like that, then!
[MSTH set, one more time. "Jack Perkins" is holding an elderly-looking
hardbound book as though he was in the middle of reading it.]
PERKINS: Did you know that quite a few members of royalty have become
authors? Queen Marie of Roumania, for instance, not only wrote
her own book of fairy tales, [waves book a little bit to call
attention to it] but illustrated it herself as well.
That's all for tonight, but join us again next time on the Mys-
tery Science Theater Hour.
[Lights down; roll theme and credits. Perkins wanders over to stage
left, reading the book.]
MSTed by Steve Brinich <ste...@access.digex.net>,
Jason Cohen <j...@acpub.duke.edu>,
Larry Hastings <funk...@hyperion.com>,
& Petrea Mitchell <pr...@mvp.rain.com>
Host segments and other boring stuff by Petrea Mitchell
[Perkins wanders over to the right, still reading.]
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations, merchandise,
and dust bunnies all copyright Best Brains, Inc. This MSTing not en-
dorsed, authorized, or supported by anybody. This is not meant as a
personal attack on Mishka, John F. Moore III, or King Louis XV of
France, but if any of them should learn from it, the world will be a
better place. "Treklander" reproduced by honest-to-goodness permission of
the author. This article may be freely distributed as long as this para-
graph remains intact.
[Deciding to take his life in his hands and live on the edge, Perkins
starts wandering randomly around the set.]
If you'd like to MSTify some deserving piece, contact <misties-request
@jg.cso.uiuc.edu> to join the "dibs" mailing list.
[Perkins wanders off the set completely.]
T-Bone
Petrea -
I lost my copy of the MSTing of parts 1-4. Could you please e-mail them to me
(at bur...@lobster.gsfc.nasa.gov)? Thanks.
T-Bone