[MiSTied] Am I Thick?
Bob Frapples
Mike edges into the shot looking very meek and timid.]
TOM: No, if I try to get full saturation I always get a COM Port conflict.
CROW: So if you just added another board ...
TOM: But that would take a fan, and the fan would throw my hover skirt out
of kilter with gyroscopic conflict and ...
[they notice Mike at right looking very sheepish, with his hands folded,
head slightly bowed.]
CROW: Oh, hi, Mike. [to Tom] A simple governor mechanism should be enough to
get the two synchronized.
TOM: Fine, but then you're adding a board, a governor, a fan. This svelte,
dancer's figure of mine has only so much room and ...
MIKE: [bashful] Hi ... guys.
TOM: Yeah, hi, Mike. [to Crow] But if I went with a simple reader that just
diagnosed colors and gave a labeled schematic ...
CROW: But then you've got to look at the movie, look at your schematic, look
at the movie.
MIKE: I ... I hope I'm not interrupting.
TOM: No, Mike. We're just talking about ways to improve my color vision.
It's bot talk.
MIKE: [very demure] I like that. I like to listen to you guys talk about
"bot" stuff.
CROW: Uh, very good, Mike. [He and Tom huddle again.]
TOM: I could just go with a split screen and ...
CROW: But that type of system is never intuitive enough. You'd spend all
your time swapping screens and miss what was being said.
MIKE: I hope you don't mind if I just sort of stay here and listen in.
TOM: It's a free satellite, Mike. [to Crow] Like we got any privacy around
here.
MIKE. But I will leave if you want me to. But I just think it is so
beautiful when two robots can really talk about what goes on inside
them.
TOM: It's beautiful, Mike, OK?
CROW: Besides, Tom, you're still going to need a buffer on that system, and
by the time you go with that you might as well add the board.
TOM: Fine, I can find enough room for the split-screen buffer. I think I'll
just open my case here and see if I can't ...
MIKE: [dreamily] That's so nice. You know, people just don't open up enough
in this materialistic world of ours and let other people see what's
really inside. Too busy chasing jobs and status, the things that don't
last forever.
CROW: Mike, have you been listening to the love theme from "Sidehackers"
alone in your room with the headphones on again?
MIKE: No, it's just that in this dreary, work-a-day world of ours people
rush around with no time for poetry and talking about what's really
inside them.
TOM: Poetry? You want poetry? "There once was a young man from Ghent ..."
CROW: I'll handle this, Tom. Now Mike, do you want to tell us why you're
acting like the sentimentality sequencer is on overdrive?
MIKE: [plaintively] That's just it, guys. I don't have a sensitivity
sequencer or any of that other neat robot stuff. Because I'm not a
robot. So I like to listen in when you talk bot stuff, but I feel
ashamed ... like I'm intruding on something very private and delicate.
[pause]
TOM: Whose tool was *exceedingly* bent ...
CROW: OK, Tom. [sarcastically] Mike, we *might* let you listen in. But
you'll have to grovel just a *little* bit more.
MIKE: [panicky] Oh, heavens, was I not being polite enough? I tried to be
discreet, I really, really did, guys, but if you want me to leave ...
TOM: No, no, Mike, we don't want you to leave. We just want to know what's
gotten into you.
MIKE: It's just that I [ashamed] I am not a bot. And I wanted to learn a
little bit more about what it's like to be a bot, how you think and
feel and share and dream ...
CROW: You wanna be a bot, pardner, then step right over here.
[Crow walks left. Comes to a gorilla suit with a diving helmet on top.]
CROW: Just so happens I got a bot suit right here.
MIKE: *That's* a robot?
TOM: Looks like a robot to me, pretty much.
MIKE: But you were talking about getting your vision fixed.
TOM: Be SENSITIVE, guy!
MIKE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I'll go back to my
room and ...
CROW: Nonsense, Mike. Just step over here and get into the suit and we'll
show you all about what it's like to be a bot.
MIKE: [overcome with emotion] Guys. Guys. This is just so special.
TOM: Yeah, whatever, step it up before we miss Montel.
MIKE: What do I have to do.
CROW: You see the zipper in the back of that thing?
MIKE: Kind of hard to miss.
CROW: Well, just climb inside.
MIKE: [unsure] Well, OK, if you guys really think ... [he begins clambering
into suit]
TOM: I don't know, Crow, he's going to need some power source for that
thing.
CROW: Got it all figured out.
MIKE: [now inside the suit. He talks basso profundo with hands at shoulder
level or higher.] I am inside the suit. I do not feel ... like robot.
CROW: That's because the suit hasn't been powered up yet, Mike.
MIKE: How does one ... power up suit?
CROW: Your power source is right over there.
[Cambot pans to reveal a wall outlet the size of a Frigidaire]
MIKE: That is power source? What do I do?
CROW: Those two antenna on the top of your helmet?
MIKE: [feeling them] Yes?
CROW: Just plug 'em in there, sport.
MIKE: In *here?*
CROW: Absolutely. You want to know what it feels like to be a bot, don't
you?
MIKE: Well, I guess. [he leans forward, angling the antenna toward the
socket.]
[Cambot pans so that we see only Crow and Tom]
TOM: Gee, I don't know, Crow. This could knock out the power just when the
VCR is set up for Yan Can Cook.
CROW: Cheese it, Servo, it's Mike that's gonna cook.
[brilliant flash of light from Mike's direction. Mike screams repeatedly as
smoke billows across the set. Crow and Tom observe briefly and begin
talking over screams.]
TOM: So if I could fit in a buffer that would allow for the split-screen
sequencer ...
CROW: But there's a port conflict right there, and if you ...
TOM: No way, man, I can work around it.
CROW: By that time you're better off with the whole new board ...
[fade to commercial.]
[Pause button through Pringles. Pause button through Zima. Pause button
through Aptiva. Pause button through ad for Pauly Shore movie. Pause
button through Aptiva.]
[back on Satellite of Love. Mike is in singed jumpsuit with wisps of smoke
still drifting off him.]
MIKE: At first I was a bit surprised, but then I really related to what you
guys must go through in the sunspot season.
TOM: That's nothing like the sunspot season. That's not something you could
really relate to unless you've been through it.
CROW: Mike, we've got Walla Walla and Perth Amboy on the line.
[Deep 13]
Dr. FORRESTER: Good evening, my little crypto sporidia. Are we ready for
today's experiment?
[SoL]
TOM: Hey Dr. Forrester, your mom letting you play by yourself today?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Actually it's a bit of a break for me. She's out having her hair
done right now.
[SoL]
TOM: Having her upper lip bikini-waxed? Cheee-hee.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: [smiling, unfazed]
[SoL]
MIKE: Uh-oh, he smiled right through that one, Tom. Looks pretty confident.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Joke all you want, barrel-boy, but after today's experiment you'll be
laughing out of the other side of your hover skirt.
[SoL]
CROW: Come on, throw it at us already. What you got?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: This is a series of Usenet posts from the alt.lesbian.feminist.poetry
newsgroup.
[SoL]
MIKE: Yeah? You don't scare us. We've got open minds, don't we guys?
[banter: everyone saying "right," "yeah, right."]
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Yes, but it's not what the newsgroup would suggest. There are no
poems in these posts, and I've changed all the names of the posters.
Actually I've strung together several posts from a fresh-faced young
chap who goes by the cuddlesome name of "pj." Now pj is a rather ...
um ... *earnest* young man who basically tries to grovel his way into
acceptance in the group.
[SoL]
[All stand in horrified shock. Eventually Tom is able to speak]
TOM: Doctor Forrester. You're evil. EVIL!
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Not smiling now, are we my crimson hogshead friend? Enjoy.
[pushes button]
[SoL]
All: Oh no, we've got Usenet sign ....
TOM: EEEVV-vviii-iiiilll!
[1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6]
am I thick? WAS: Re: open letter
>From: pjco...@wdl.loral.com (pjconrad)
>Newsgroups: alt.lesbian.feminist.poetry,alt.shoe.lesbian
>Subject: Re: open letter
>Organization: car crash software
MIKE: Car crash software. Isn't that what they use to write the scripts for
Sylvester Stallone movies?
>>>here's an open letter to what... hmmm, the people in the
>>>alt.lesbian.feminist.poetry newsgroup I guess.
>
TOM: Pretty good guess, pj, considering that's where you're posting it.
>
>>> and a reply to some comments I got from beth on how much I
>>> liked her poem ACID BITTER SWEET.
CROW: Acid Bitter Sweet? I didn't expect it to have the fresh taste of
spring.
>
>>> i'm posting this here because as I wrote it, it seemed that I was asking
>>>the LARGE question of what's going on...
>>>beth wrote:
>>>>
>>>> I find the group wayyy too political.
>>>>but, there are some which stand out, like alexandria's stuff. I think it
>>>>just reminds us that there is a common thread in all of us, ya know?
>
MIKE: Y'mean like, um, oneness 'n that sorta stuff?
>>>
>>>politics? politics!! (does famous impression of peanuts character linus
>>>walking around office, shoves finger down
>>>throat, "ak! uk! ak! uk!")
>
TOM: Say, this guy IS a lover of poetry.
>
>>>I thought that this little hollow would give me a respite from
>>>politics! I came here to get out of the newsgroup
>>>rainstorm. to stand over there, by that fire, and get some good readin'.
>>>man!
>
TOM: And a Reuben with fries.
>
>>>well, can I go into a psuedo rant for just a second? thanx.
>
TOM: How will we be able to distinguish the pseudo rant from the real thing?
MIKE: A good way to practice is to watch the presidential primaries.
>>>
>>>I like poetry. let me rephrase that: I like REALLY GOOD poetry.
>
TOM: ... which conveys its intent in the fewest words ...
>>>
>>>but.
>>>
>>>there's no alt.sensitive.computer.programmer.poetry news groups or
>>>alt.regular.guys.who.just.like.prose newsgroups.
>
MIKE: In fact there's no alt.introspective.spot.welders.who.
collect.bottle.caps.poetry newsgroup.
CROW: No alt.tow.truck.operators.who.long.for.solace.
in.a.post.industrial.society.poetry news group.
TOM: No alt.buffaloes.who.have.
sharp.pointy.things.stuck.in.their.hooves.poetry newsgroup.
>
>>> in fact THE ONLY news
>>>group that EVEN mentions poetry is this one.
>>>
>>>(big, way big sigh.)
TOM: The curfew tolls the knell of parting day,
The lowing herd wind slowly o'er the lea
The plowman homeward plods his weary way
And heaves a big, a way big sigh to me.
>>>so here's the rub.
>
MIKE: I'm shocked!
TOM: An obvious double-entrendre.
CROW: You think he could keep it clean in a poetry newsgroup.
>
>>>it's lesbian poetry. well, i'm lucky. my parents brought me up in
>>>california as about
>>>UN-prejudiced as humanly possible. they taught me to accept people on
>>>their own merits. but they also ingrained in me this INSANE CURIOSITY.
>>>so sometimes i find myself in places where the "average joe" might
>>>not.
MIKE: pj must have started wearing "average joe" drag.
>
>>>so, do i say wow! this is great LESBIAN poetry? or can we transcend all
>>>of this and just say YEOW! this is great poetry PERIOD. as a person
>>>OUTSIDE of the "gay" community i don't know (haven't learned) yet if i'm
>>>supposed to ackknowledge "gayness" or treat it as part of the furniture
>>>(no disrespect intended).
MIKE: And find "out" if THEY use as "many" CAPS (and parentheses) as I do!
>>> i DON'T want beth or alix or any other
>>>poet/person/lesbian to think (and i'm kinda afraid of this) "oh no,
>>>there's that straight guy again!!" man, i wanna talk, listen, see, feel,
>>>i wanna find out what this noise is about!
>>>
>>>(hang on for a second... i gotta get up and walk around the office for a
>>>minute...)
>>> damn! this is frustrating...
TOM: Folks, if you're not rolling on the floor laughing out loud right now,
then your heart is made of stone.
>>>perhaps it seems as though i'm jamming my square head in a round hole,
>
CROW: Nice, sensitive phallic image for this newsgroup, pj.
>
>>> but here's an analogy: i've never been to vietnam
>
TOM: But I kind of like the music.
>>> and i never wanted to be a soldier,
MIKE: Especially because there's no
alt.sensitive.ways.to.bayonet.the.krauts.in.the.belly.poetry newsgroup.
>>>but i have friends who have and i have spent considerable time
>>>with them (essentially pumping them for information) asking WHAT IT'S
>>>LIKE OUT THERE.
TOM: The sensitivity is heavy on the outbound I-90 with a tie-up at the
spaghetti bowl.
>>>see, there are experiances i will never know, either because i
>>>can't or don't want to, but i want to find out just the same.
>>>
>>>sheesh, i'm getting carried away here.
CROW: By the kindness of strangers.
MIKE: Relax, pj. It's nothing that anyone with a younger kid brother hasn't
already seen.
>>>where is this going. and i know i'm probably inviting some flames here,
>>>but i don't mind getting char-broiled in order to learn...
MIKE: No, take my word, that's *way* overrated.
TOM: Still smoking, pink boy?
>>> is there a forum where people from DIVERSE
>>>sex/brain/tall/short/gender/intellect/curious/fat/thin whose ONLY
>>>commonality is that they are willing to speak sans ANY politics?
MIKE: He's never watched a presidential press conference?
>>>or should i just READ THE SIGN on the door that says:
>>>MEMBERS ONLY.
TOM: [singing] Sign says ya' gotta make a groveling post to get inside,
HUAH!
>>>
>>>sea ya. pj conrad
MIKE: [gets up] There, that wasn't so bad.
>>>
>>>p.s.
CROW: Or *is* it?
MIKE: [sighs. Sits down again]
>>> i cross-posted this to that "shoe group" (alt.shoe.lesbians) 'cause
>>>i've also quietly visited that little coffeeshop in newsgroup city. it
>>>seemed that questions i asked here might apply? dunno, but i DO have a
>>>pair of dockers loafers that are POSITIVELY the most comfortable things
>>>i've ever put on my feet, and best of all? every night they
>>>sit by my bed, loyal, quiet, with their tongues hanging out...
>>
CROW: Why, pj! You're positively WHIMSICAL!
[Theme music. Planet logo. Pause button through Sony cassette commercial.
Pause button through Aptiva. Pause button through Martin Mull selling
something. "Different blood types. Different colors." Pause button through
Aptiva.]
MIKE: OK, new round of posts, here. Where are we picking up? Looks like
somebody is replying to pj's message.
>>In article <44h6ao$9...@pica.sub.edu>, hsm...@uclink.sub.edu
>>(Heather Smith) wrote:
>>
>>> pjconrad (pjco...@wdl.loral.com) wrote:
>>>
>>> : politics? politics!! (does famous impression of peanuts character
>>> : linus
>>> : walking around office, shoves finger down
>>> : throat, "ak! uk! ak! uk!")
>>> : i thought that this little hollow would give me a respite from
>>> : politics! i came here to get out of the newsgroup
>>> : rainstorm. to stand over there, by that fire, and get some good
>>> : readin'.
>>> : man! it's raining alt.politics.etc.etc.etc like mad out there.
>>> ...
TOM. It's an alt, alt, alt, alt world.
MIKE: Quite, guys. Here's the response to pj.
>>
>> And if you want to _keep_ it as a nice little coffeeshop and not turn it
>> into a den of politics, please _don't_ cross-post political agitation
>> there. Alt.shoe.lesbians is a nice, quiet, goofy place to hang out. We
>> don't take ourselves particularly seriously. But we _do_ take seriously
>> maintaining it as a nice, quiet, goofy place to hang out. If you respect
>> and enjoy the atmosphere there, please help maintain it. Thank you.
>>
>> Heather Rose Jones
>> (one of those goofy shoe-people)
MIKE: Uh-oh, guys, I'm afraid our friend pj is going to take this little
rebuff *pret-ty* hard.
TOM: I can't watch.
>>i'm a little confused, well, maybe more than a little... (or maybe i'm
>>just a little bit thick (in the head?))
TOM: As a brick.
CROW: In the wall.
>>
>>was i not "nice"?.. and i guess i wasn't "quiet", though i didn't mean to
>>come barrelin' in like a bull in a china shop...
CROW: In your *dreams!*
>>but,
>>where was the "political agitation"? jeez... (stares at screen for a
>>minute...) this all started out with me
>>BOWLED-OVER with the great prose @ a.l.f.p and laughing over the light
>>easy banter at a.s.l...
TOM: Light 'n easy banter serves up the best-tasting pancakes this side of
Yuma.
>>
>>so i got to thinkin' (as i sometimes do)
CROW: *After* posting.
>> what gives? is there a common
>>thread here... so, i thougt, maybe
>>some cultural exchange could happen here... i could post some
>>(non-political) thoughts, some prose, yeah, maybe i could even swing some
>>light banter...
MIKE: Sure thing, pj. Just go on in the same relaxed, easy style that you've
perfected.
>> get some positive feedback, something to think
>>about...
>>as they say in those old comedy routines from the 40's, be the "straight
>>man" (pun intended).
MIKE: Old pj has beaten us to the punch here, fellows.
TOM: We can't top that one.
>> i was ACTUALLY tryin' to give the wooden stake to
>>politics.
>>
>>if i've pissed you off (at least that's what is sounded like), i just
>>wanted to say i'm sorry. like race relations in this country, just trying
>>to be sensitive to others groups isn't adaquate enough, 'cause i guess
>>i've proven the maxim that stuffing one's foot in one's mouth is insanely
>>easy.
MIKE: Admit it: isn't pj about the whitest Californian you've ever seen?
>>as i said when i replied to shera in a.s.l. i didn't want to be like
>>that big dumb friendly of an oaf dog that lived
>>next door when you were a kid. he comes bounding over into your yard
>>trying like mad to be friendly and
>>then proceeds to lick everybodys face, (and pisses everyone off).
CROW: At least they could have the dog put down.
MIKE: [In Viennese psychologist voice] pj, ve vish to talk to you about zee
licking of zee face und zee pishing.
>>
>>sincerely, pjconrad
>>(one of those goofy straight people)
>>
>>
MIKE: Heads up, guys; the goofy straight person is getting another response.
>>>In article <mikalinaD...@sub.com>, mika...@sub.com wrote:
> Don't worry about posting to the wrong newsgroups.
> Hey, we all do that from time to time, especially when we swap systems.
> I have to look up my own home phone number since it's not on my business
> cards.
>
CROW: And then she never calls herself when she says she will.
>
>>>I found a.l.f.p. by subscribing to everything contain "poe," list:
>>>
>>> alt.language.urdu.poetry
TOM: Urdu poety. D'you do poetry?
>>> alt.poetry.doggerel
>>> alt.teens.poetry.and.stuff
>>> poe [empty]
MIKE: They got a poe response to that one.
>>> rec.arts.poems
>>> rec.arts.poetry [empty]
CROW: [forlornly] Nothingness. Empty. All is dross.
>>> scruz.poetry
MIKE: 'Scruz this poetry, folks, we ain't finished it yet.
>>> ucd.rec.poetry
>>>
>>> Alix was the pearl in the oyster, of course, but there is plenty of
>>> poetry and politics elsewhere, if you want to look.
>>>
>>>Thanks.
TOM: And here comes pj bounding over, sort of like the oaf dog that lives
next door ...
>>hello m lee (is that mikalina? i hope this doesn't sound condescending
>>for a guy but that is a pretty name.)
CROW: Say, pj -- swah-VAY!
>>i just wanted to say thanx for the pointers. i found rec.arts.poems and
>>rec.arts.prose. i'm badgering our sysop to get the others. AH! and i
>>thought all that was left of usenet was politics and computers! (tho' i am
>>a software engineer! (sheepish grin).
CROW: A software engineer who doesn't know how to search a Usenet list?
>> and yes, alix's poems were REALLY
>>mmmm, (can't think if right word... goes to thesaurus..ACK! no good)
MIKE: Hmm, get my thesaurus here. "ACK: See 'glurg.' "
>> her prose just hit me in that certain spot
>>that good poetry does, even for a straight guy...
TOM: What do you know. Even straight guys can enjoy poetry.
>>so i took a quick spin around rec.arts.poems GOLD MINE! ah, how nice...
>>
>>i can't say how much i appreciate the tip. have you read the prose in
>>a.l.f.p from beth a.k.a. super brat? she has some good stuff too. have
>>you posted anything? (sorry, i don't get over to usenet much lateley, as
>>work calls!)
>>
>>hey. have a nice weekend. and thanx again.
>>pj
>>
MIKE: Thanks, yourself, pj. And we hope that pj, the e.e.cummings of
groveling, will have a nice day.
[gets up, picks up Tom. All exit]
[6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1]
[Satellite of Love]
MIKE: Guys, how do you feel? Rode that one out, right?
CROW: No major damage.
TOM: Oh, the specter of arlen is calling.
MIKE: [taps the light]
[Deep 13]
Dr. Forrester: [bent over a gizmo full of wires, holds a hack saw in one
hand.] Just checking in. Not as much damage from that one as I had hoped.
[SoL]
TOM: Just a bit of residue. Makes me want to take a cold shower.
MIKE: You can't take a shower. You're a robot.
TOM: I can't?
MIKE: No. That's only something humans can enjoy.
TOM: But I want to be able to take a shower. I don't think this is fair.
MIKE: But you'd fry your circuits. Your head would explode.
TOM: Won't let a bot into the shower, will you?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: I'd love to sit around and listen to you arguing shower protocol, but
I've got another experiment underway here and I need a decent subject.
I don't have anyone to kill since Frank left, and I don't think I
should really kill my mother, but if I don't find someone within a few
hours ...
[a knock on the vault door]
VOICE: Hello? Would it be OK if I came in?
Dr. F: Fudgies! Could you wait a moment while I go shoo away whoever that
is?
[goes to vault door]
Go away!
VOICE: OK, OK. I didn't mean to come barging in like a bull in a china
shop.
Dr. F: [it dawns on him] Uh, no-no-no, wait just a moment.
[opens vault door. Enter Paul Chaplin in the role of pj]
PJ: Gosh, is this an underground laboratory?
Dr. F: It's not much, but I call it Parnassus.
PJ: Oh, gosh. I hope it's all right that if I just sit here in the corner.
You see, my California parents ingrained in me this intense curiousity
that takes me where the "average joe" doesn't always go.
Dr. F: Oh, average joes like you are more than welcome here.
PJ: So what can I say except, WOW! Are you doing high-technology science
experiments? Or can we transcend this all and say it's just a quest for
knowledge, PERIOD? As a person "outside" the "science" "community," I
don't know (or haven't learned) if I should acknowledge my essential
non-science-geek nature in such a setting, but MAN! No disrespect
intended.
Dr. F: [looks skyward] Thank you, oh gods of painful experiments.
PJ: It's not like I every wanted to be a scientist. After all, there are no
alt.megalomaniac.scientists.who.wish.to.rule.
the.world.but.still.are.nice.to.persian.cats.poetry newsgroups. But I
have friends who like science and I have and i have spent considerable
time with them asking WHAT IT'S LIKE OUT THERE.
Dr. F: Well, if you really want to learn, my friend, the first thing you
must do is ... push the button.
PJ: What, this button?
Dr. F: The very same.
PJ: This is wonderful. I could push this button, maybe engage in some
cultural exchange. I could discuss some non-scientific thought, yeah,
maybe I could even swing some light banter.
Dr. F: [behind him, raises the huge clown-hammer] Oh, something will get
swung here, all right.
PJ: [looking straight ahead. He doesn't see Dr. Forrester, but he's
overcome with doubt]
But I don't want anyone to think, "oh, no, here comes that
non-science-geek guys intruding on our space." All I wanna do is talk,
listen, see, feel.
Dr. F: Feel THIS, grovelmeister.
[konks him with the hammer. pj falls forward and his head pushes the
button.]
*Fwoooooooooosh.*
[theme, credits]
>>>"oh no,
>>>there's that straight guy again!!" man, i wanna talk, listen, see, feel,
>>>i wanna find out what this noise is about!
>>>
>>>(hang on for a second... i gotta get up and walk around the office for a
>>>minute...)