MSR3Ked: Psychetronic
Joseph Merlino
<SOL>
(Mike, Tom, Crow and Gypsy are all visible)
Mike: Hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love. Mike Nelson here,
and me and my robot pals were just sitting around discussing what
we'd do if we had absolute power. Crow?
Crow: I'd decide who lives and who dies.
Servo: Yeah, we know that, Crow, but what else?
Crow: Well... Let's see. I'd make Dr. Forrester bring me RAMchips every
15 minutes, I'd make Frank wash my underoos and I'd dance the Hokey
Pokey, and I'd turn myself about.
Mike: That it?
Crow: Hey, that's what it's all about.
Mike: Okay. I'd leave the Satellite, of course. I'd exact revenge on Dr.
Forrester, of course, and then, after settling into a palacial
mansion in the Bahamas, I'd embark on a program of self-improvement
and good works.
Servo: Oh, come off it, Nelson. What would you really do?
Crow: Yeah!
Mike: Okay, you got me. I didn't want to admit it but...
Servo: Come on.
Mike Well... I'd... [with impish glee] I'd give Kathy Ireland a new
voice and make her walk around my house in her bikini.
Gypsy: Heeeyyy!
Servo: Pretty sleazy, Nelson
Mike: Yeah, I guess it is. Okay, Tom, what would you do?
Servo: I would expand my conciousness until it encompassed the entire
universe. Then, being omnicient, I would proceed to mete out
justice to all of the life entities in existence. The good would
receive total inner peace and serenity, while those that displease
me would be condemned for all eternity to dwell in the abode of
pain and suffering, for I Say Unto You [Tom's voice increases in
volume, with plenty of reverb] THAT THE DAY OF THE GREAT SERVO SHALL
COME, AND ALL WHO DO NOT HEED MY WORD SHALL BE CAST INTO THE PIT
OF THE DOOMED AND...And...and forced to watch _Manos_ or something...
Mike: Remind me to rip Revelations out of your Bible. How about you, Gypsy?
What would you do?
Gypsy: I already have absolute power.
Mike: You do?
Gypsy: Yeah. Watch.
(All the lights go out on the SOL, except for the commercial sign light, which
begins to blink)
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 5...4...3... Commercial sign now.
*********************Commericals Galore. Bleah!!*****************************
<SOL - Lights are still out>
Mike: C'mon, Gypsy, turn the life support back on.
Crow and Tom: Yeah, c'mon!
Gypsy: Say it again!
Crow: Awww, do we have to?
Gypsy: You do if Mike wants to breathe.
Crow, Tom and Mike: (chanting) All hail Gypsy, Queen of the Satellite.
Gypsy: I can't *heeeaaar* you!
C,T & M: (louder) All hail Gypsy, Queen of the Satellite!
(Mad's light begins to blink)
Mike: Hey! Callard and Bowser are calling.
<Deep 13>
(Dr. Forrester and T.V.'s Frank are standing side by side with cat-that-ate-
the-canary grins on their faces)
Dr. F: Helllooo, Micky. Hello Mousekateers. Well, I think the experiments
are going very well indeed! I've only had you up there twelve weeks
and already you're worshiping a vacuum cleaner. Outstanding!
Seeing as how you're... indisposed, we'll do our invention exchange
first. Frank?
Frank: Thanks, Clay. Well, Mike, our invention exchange this week is based
on the idea that there isn't enough angst and despair in the world.
It's the Existentiamatic, and it's based on the very same psychetronic
technology you'll be reading about in this week's experiment.
Dr. F.: That's right, Frank.
(Camera pulls back to reveal a box with a large meat-grinder looking device
on the top, and a cord, connecting it to a very cheezy looking raygun.
Emblazoned across the side are the Deep 13 logo and the word
"Existentiamatic".)
Dr.F.: It's simple, really. First, you put a book by say, Sartre or Camus
into the hopper.
(He shoves a book into the grinder attachment while Frank turns the crank.)
Dr.F.: Then it's just point and shoot.
(Points the raygun at Frank.)
SFX: nnnnnnnnnnndkdkdknnnnnndkdkdknnnnnnndkdkdknnnnnn...
Dr.F.: How are you feeling, Frank?
Frank: A little down, actually.
Dr.F.: (suppressing a giggle and trying to sound concerned) Really?
Frank: Yeah, I mean, what's the point?
Dr.F.: (barely containing himself) The point?
Frank: Yeah. I mean, we're all just hurtling through the void, staring into
the abyss, watching Lippert films...
(Frank begins to wander off)
Dr.F.: Ummmm, where are you going, Frank?
Frank: To kill myself.
(Dr. F. laughs silently to himself as Frank walks off camera.)
Dr.F.: You know, sometimes it really is just too easy. Back up to you.
(A jet of blood shoots in from offscreen)
<SOL>
(Lights are back on. Mike and the 'bots are staring into the camera, appalled.)
Servo: That... that's horrible!
Mike: It sure is! It's a good thing I've invented this.
(Mike holds up a football helmet wrapped in tinfoil with an antenna on the top)
Mike: It's the Happy Helmet. See? You just put on the helmet, and then you
use the remote control...
Servo: Hold it, Nelson!
Mike: What?
Servo: You didn't invent that.
Mike: Sure I did. It's the Happy Helmet...
Servo: You stole that from the Ren and Stimpy Show.
Mike: No I didn't. I invented it.
Crow: I'm with Tom, Nelson. I definitly saw that on Ren and Stimpy.
Servo: I never thought I'd live to see the day when Mike Nelson is
plaigerising invention exchanges.
Mike: Look, guys, I...
<Deep 13>
(Dr.F. is now covered with Frank's blood, which is still squirting in from
offscreen)
Dr.F.: Get with it, Nelson. The inventions have to be original.
Your experiment today is another bit of babble from alt.conspiracy.
It's an unpleasant little number reprinted from an "underground"
Australian magazine by Glenda Stocks, the Sandy Frank of a.c.
I hope you hate it as much as I hate you.
<SOL>
All: Oh no! We got post sign!
6...5...4...3...2...1...
>From news.bu.edu!olivea!spool.mu.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!usenet.ins.cwru.edu!eff!news.kei.com!ub!galileo.cc.rochester.edu!ee.rochester.edu!rochgte!UUCP Mon Jan 24 16:51:33 EST 1994
>Article: 42097 of alt.conspiracy
>From: Glenda...@f201.n330.z1.fidonet.org (Glenda Stocks)
>Path: news.bu.edu!olivea!spool.mu.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!usenet.ins.cwru.edu!eff!news.kei.com!ub!galileo.cc.rochester.edu!ee.rochester.edu!rochgte!UUCP
>Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy
>Subject: Psychotronics 01
>Message-ID: <75942093...@rochgte.fidonet.org>
>Date: Sun, 23 Jan 1994 21:06:00 -0500
>X-FTN-To: All Alt.Conspiracy
>Lines: 99
>***THIS FILE LEECHED FROM 'THE ANSWERS BBS' TEL: +61 3 3808458***
>************WE SPECIALISE IN SUPPRESSED INFORMATION*************
Mike: Help! Help! I'm bein' suppressed.
>The following article is taken from New Dawn magazine
Crow: Takes grease out of your way and exposes secret government plots.
> - a magazine
>exposing consensus reality and
Servo: (Gary Owens voice) ...making fools of ourselves in public
since 1967.
> publishing suppressed information. 6
>issue subscription for US$30 can be obtained from: GPO Box 3126FF,
>Melbourne, 3001, AUSTRALIA.
>
>Real Life Death Rays
Crow: Mike, what's a "life death ray"?
Mike: I dunno.
Servo: Are there fake life death rays?
Mike: I dunno.
Crow: Some help you are.
Mike: Look, I just work here, okay?
>By JOE VIALLS
>There is very strong circumstantial evidence
Servo: Nothing that would hold up in court, mind you. Nothing physical,
not even any witnesses. Nevertheless, there is *very* strong
circumstantial evidence...
> suggesting that new
>psychetronic weapons have been developed to "control" innocent
>citizens without their knowledge or consent, with research showing the
>U.S. leading the field. Does such weaponry already exist at Pine Gap
>and Nurrungar and, if so, is it intended for use against Australians
>exercising their democratic right to protest peacefully?
Mike: ...And if not, has it fallen into the sinister hands of
Boris Badinov and Natasia Fatale? And if so, do they intend
to use it to cheat Rocky and Bullwinkle out of their last
nugget of upsidaisium? Find out in our next exciting episode
"Psychetronic Shack" or "Insane in the Brisbane".
>Research into the use of electromagnetic waves as potential weapons to
>distort human perception and/or cause direct psycho-physiological
>damage started shortly after
Mike: The series premire of "The X Files".
> the end of World War II. Although the
>U.S. intelligence officials claimed the Soviets had the whip hand in
>this field,
Crow: Saaaaaayyyyy....
> it is significant that the Soviets proposed a total ban on
>electromagnetic warfare at one of the arms talks.
Crow: The Soviets had talking arms?
> Equipment has
>already been tested in the U.S. on rats at short range, successfully
>inducing nausea, tumours
Servo: ...halitosis, tennnis elbow, plantars warts, scoliosis,...
> and many other symptoms. Closed lectures at
>various U.S. defence establishments have already discussed specific
>frequency effects that have been logged for use in operational
>situations. In other words, the Americans already know exactly which
>frequency to apply to gain a precise reaction within targeted areas of
>the human brain. The U.S. has a problem with testing at the human
>level.
Crow: Maybe they should get Dr. Forrester to help. He doesn't seem
to have a problem with it.
Mike: Don't even *joke* about that!
> It has been stated clearly that the White House point blank
>refused the request to test on human subjects at all. Counter claims
>insist the White House does approve such testing, but only on
>prisoners and non-Americans.
>
>How Psychetronic Weapons Work
>
>By the '60s, weapon research had split into two distinctly different
>fields.
Servo: Flanders and Elysian.
> The first of these fields involved weapons operation on
>frequencies in the same range as the human brain's electrical activity
>of 14 Hertz
Mike: Donut.
Servo: Huh?
> (or 14 cycles old values). These were and still are called
>E(L)F, standing for Extraordinarily (L)ow Frequency. Design was
>intended to induce illness by upsetting the electrical patterns in
>specific areas of the brain, resulting in nausea, faintness, panic
>attack and possible unconsciousness at short range; depression and
>other symptoms at long range.
Crow: Why bother? You can get the same effect with a Bert I. Gordon
film festival.
> ambition was to identify which
>precise frequency was needed for each individual human reaction. Under
>the Reagan administration's top secret Project Sleeping Beauty,
Crow: If I had a project called "Sleeping Beauty" I'd keep it a
secret, too.
> Dr.
>Michael Persinger, chief neurologist at Laurentian University's
>Environmental Physiology Laboratory in Ontario, was "quietly" funded
>to find the answers. Using what are called time-varying fields of low
>intensity in the extraordinary low frequency range from one to ten
>hertz,
Mike: Donut.
Servo: Huh?
Mike: (punches Servo) Hurts, Don't it?
> Persinger was consistently able to make a cage of rats sick.
Servo: Yeah? So what? TV's Frank made a gnu retch non stop for a week once.
>The E(L)F field he generated had stimulated the MAST
>histamine-producing brain cells into inducing instant nausea.
Mike: Just add water and Sartre.
> Specific
>research on E(L)F weapons was continued by Dr. Elizabeth Rauscher, a
>nuclear physicist and
Crow: (falsetto) ...comissioner of consumer affairs. In my spare time
I read, do needlepoint...
Servo: (announcer voice) Yes, Speed...
> boss of the Technic Research Laboratory in San
>Leandro, California. Rauscher had already identified specific
>frequency effects to induce not only nausea but also happiness, for
>example. Clearly, Dr. Rauscher was an enthusiast: "Give me the money
>and three months", she boasted, "and I'll be able to affect the
>behaviour of 80 per cent of the people in this town without their
>knowing it. Make them happy - or at least they'll think they're happy.
Mike: Is anybody *really* happy?
Servo: Does anybody really know what time it is?
Crow: Does anybody really care?
>Or aggressive."
Servo: Oh great! All of the sudden it's _Jacob's_Ladder_
> Much later, in March 1984, Captain Paul Tyler, a U.S.
>Navy doctor
Mike: See? And I didn't even know the navy was sick.
> responsible for all research into the effects of radiation
>on humans, presented a paper at the Air University Centre for
>Aerospace Doctrine. Tyler confirmed that "specific biological effects
>can be achieved" with electromagnetic fields.
Servo: Well, duh.
> He made it very clear
>that the required fields had already been identified for operational
>use. Massive power generation required for E(L)F transmission is still
>a problem, apparently. So far the U.S. "underground" is not aware of
>any proven incidents where E(L)F has been used against the general
>public in a hostile manner.
Crow: But we don't want to let that put a damper on our paranoia.
> Examples do exist (on both sides) where
>massive transmitters have been bombarding specific areas of the U.S.
>and USSR for decades.
Servo: (exasperated) Yeah, they're called "radio stations"!
>Those areas are so large that if data exists on
>long term effects, the "underground" has no known access to it.
>Unsubstantiated rumours
Servo: (more exasperated) ...like this entire post!
> persist
Crow: ...like this entire post.
> that the U.S. F117A "stealth" fighter
>bomber can be fitted with E(L)F weaponry inside its internal bomb bay.
>Whether or not the equipment was used against specific targets in Iraq
>during the U.S. attack is unknown.
Servo: (intense exasperation) Sheesh! This guy can't even find out
anything about his unsubstantiated rumors!
> It should be remembered that E(L)F
>waves are invasive. Unlike EHF, which reflects off hard surfaces,
>E(L)F can and does penetrate extremely dense substances, including
>reinforced concrete etc. Defensive measures remain unknown at the
>general level against this kind of radiation though, presumably, lead
>(Pb) would act as an effective barrier.
Servo: Hey Mike, do we have any lead lying around the satellite?
Mike: Maybe. Why?
Servo: Maybe we can use it to keep out this post.
> The other field of weapons
>research concerns those weapons operating in the micro or millimetric
>frequencies and also referred to as "Barrier Warfare Microwave Tech".
>Such weapons operate at the
Mike: ...sunny side of the street.
> opposite end of the electromagnetic wave
>lengths from E(L)F, i.e. at Extraordinarily High Frequencies.
>Microwaves are those
Servo: Time to go, guys...
> commonly used in radar sets and microwave ovens,
>for example. The principal advantage of EHF over E(L)F lies in the
>
>Continued in the next message...
1...2...3...4...5...6...
***********************MORE COMMERCIALS****************************************
Stay tuned for part 2!
Just Another Redneck Paisan
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
--Joe Merlino / "Liberty lies in the hearts of men and women;
ko...@acs.bu.edu / when it dies there, no constitution, no law,
(std disclaimers apply) / no court can save it." -Learned Hand
T/_/H/_/I/_/N/_/K/_/_/A/_/T/_/_/Y/_/O/_/U/_/R/_/_/O/_/W/_/N/_/_/R/_/I/_/S/_/K/
obmst3k: "Milk: It does a body DEAD!" -Tom Servo
"You're not fully dead unless you're ZESTfully dead." -Crow T. Robot