MiSTing: TimeLapse 8/8
Chris Mayfield
> The last bit of that comand worried the bridge crew. The
>Enterprise lashed out with a full spread.
Crow: In this month's Penthouse.
Tom: It's my body. I can do what I want with it.
> The base's shields
>glowed a sick green
Mike: Like gan-green?
> under the punishment. The Poltars now
>understanding
Tom: [hypnotized] I understand now. "The Bridges of Madison
County" *is* a good book.
> the problem returned fire full force.
> "Sir front shield dropping!"
Crow: [Tonto] Hmm. Shield droppings. Two--three days old.
> "Understood. Alert the crew get everyone off the ship.
Tom: Picard pulls a Chinese fire drill.
> Mister
>Worf set the weapon systems
Mike: To light fluff.
> to automated fireing; full barrage
>every two seconds. Everyone to transporter room 5. Alert O'Brian
Tom: That he's in this fanfic.
>that we are on our way."
Crow: Mike, what's deja vu?
Mike: It's the feeling that you've seen or done something before.
> The bridge crew ran out of the room as over loaded systems
>exploded.
All: Run away! Run away!
> The navigation and Operations pannels expolded in small
>fireballs.
> Worf, Data, and Geordi waited for
Crow: Godot.
> the captain in the
>transporter room. O'Brian stood behind the control pannel
Tom: Date & Time or File Sharing Monitor?
> as calm
>as one could expect to be with your ship falling appart.
Mike: Oh, so now it's *his* ship. Who died and left you the
Enterprise?
> Moments
>latter Picard came into the room carrying 5 phaser riffles.
Tom: My riffles have ridges.
> "Everyone on the pad. O'Brian tie in the transporter to the
>sensors. When the Poltar shields drop actuvate the beam."
Mike: Just a thought here. What if the base drops its shields,
everyone beams over, then the Enterprise blows up the station?
Tom: Mike, Mike, Mike. You're giving this fanfic more thought than
the author did. Give it up.
> "We are going to the Poltar base sir?" asked Data.
Crow: [Picard] No! We're going to beam ourselves into the bloody
vacuum of space when they drop their shields! Yes, you idiot, we
are going to the Poltar base!
> "That's right. We're going to do this upclose and personal"
Tom: Demetrius didn't write this so much as he did string together
a bunch of phrases.
>said Picard as he handed out the weapons.
Mike: Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!
> "I hope this works." said O'Brian as he finished up the tie
>in and joined them on the pad,
Crow: Say, any of you guys ever seen "The Fly?"
> pushing by Worf who was looking at
>the rifle like a long lost love.
Tom: I don't want to know. I *really* do not want to know.
> "We shall know in a few moments."
> And they waited.
Tom: Do you think he will come?
Crow: Yes.
Mike: I call no more "Waiting for Godot" refs ever again, forever,
for eternity.
>
> The next few seconds seemed like an enternity.
Mike: What I meant was...
> The
>Enterprises shield finally gaveway. The Poltar phasers ripped
>through the ship like butter.
Crow: Through a hot knife.
> The right nascell expolded sending
>shrapnel into the void. Long deep gashes appeared
Mike: In the Marianas Trench.
> down the sides
>of the engeneering section.
Crow: [Hispanic] We don't need no steenking engeneering seection.
> The wounded Enterprise continued the
>assult.
Tom: By this time, it wasn't about right or wrong; it was all
about hurting each other.
> Like an insect that didn't know it was dead, it continued
>to fire photons
Crow: Insects don't do that.
> and phasers every few seconds. The main phaser
>banks melted
Mike: Maybe they shouldn't have made them out of chocolate.
> down causing a chain reaction blowing most of the
>systems on the ship. A hull breach ripped the shuttle bay apart
Tom: Like so much salt water taffy.
>and the explosive decompression took the deck out. Crew that
>hadn't made it to the earlyer shuttles died.
Crow: [sniff]
Mike: What's the matter, Crow? Depressed because of this massive
and pointless loss of life?
Crow: No, just that we finally got a fanfic were everybody dies,
and Wesley isn't in it.
> Bodies exploded as
>they went; painting the hallways red.
Tom: Just the ones with iron based blood.
> Fire shot through the
>turbolifts chasing the last of the oxygen. An explosion was heard
Mike: On the grassy knoll.
>in the weapons room just the other side of the wall.
Crow: What wall? The Berlin wall?
Tom: The Wailing Wall?
Mike: Pink Floyd's "The Wall?"
> The
>explosion ripped the wall down.
Crow: [Bush] Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall.
Tom: [singing] Break on through to the other side...
> Heat and fire dove at the figures
>on the transporter pad.
Mike: Some say the world will end in fire. Some say in heat.
>
> "My god," said Picard,"We didn't make..."
> The transporter took affect.
>
>Path: moe.ksu.ksu.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!wupost!udel!
>darwin.sura.net!haven.umd.edu!umbc3.umbc.edu!gmuvax2!dpietz
>From: dpi...@gmuvax2.gmu.edu (Demetrius Pietz)
>Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek
>Subject: REPOST "Time Lapse" 5/5
All: Yea!
>Keywords: story
>Message-ID: <1991Sep16.2...@gmuvax2.gmu.edu>
>Date: 16 Sep 91 21:22:36 GMT
>Distribution: usa
>Organization: George Mason University, Fairfax Va.
>Lines: 135
All: Boo!
>
>
> Picard and company appeared on the Poltar base. The walls
>were a pail yellow with grey highlights.
Crow: [singing] A tisket, a tasket, a grey and yellow basket.
Mike: That's pail.
Crow: Close enough.
> The room was extreamly
>big a looked like it was build to hold shuttle craft
Tom: But made for a woman.
> or a small
>ship. Worf instently powered up the rifle
Crow: [Worf] I'm gonna bag me a twenty pointer.
> as did Picard, only a
>little more slowly. Taking that as a que
Mike: What?
Crow: Exactly.
> the rest of the party
>did like wise. The group could feel and hear
Tom: Looks like they didn't lose any sensory organs in the beam
over.
> the rest of the
>resistince fleet as it fired on the base.
Crow: You must sink Home Plate.
> "Data, Laforge, useing the Federation starbases as a
>referance where would you say is the main reactor room located?"
Mike: Since we know that all aliens build everything exactly the
same way as we do.
> "Well" said LaForge looking around," I would gess this would
>be around deck 25.
Crow: For absolutely no good reason.
> The reactor on Federation starbases is located
>around deck 79."
> "Captain, it may be possable for me to access the base's
>computer to determine the exact location."
Tom: [singing] Anything's possible. Jason hit the ball.
> "What do we do when we find it?" asked O'Brian. "Shut it
>down?"
Crow: [Picard] No no no, my naive Irish friend.
> "No Chief O'Brian. We are going to blow it up."
> "But sir" said Worf,"how do you intend to get back out?"
Mike: [Picard] Damn! I knew I had forgotten something!
> "We're not Worf. When the Enterprise exploded this became a
>one way trip."
> The rest of the party exchanged looks.
Mike: I'll give you two grimaces for a smirk.
Tom: Deal!
> "The door is this way." Picard said as he walked towards it.
Crow: "The floor is down here," said Picard as he walked on it.
> The rest followed. As they neared the door it didn't slide
>open to let them pass.
Mike: Speak friend, and enter.
> "It could be locked" sugested Geordi.
> "Or programed to accept our lifeforms as someting that it
>needs to open for."
Crow: Or you could try the doorknob.
Tom: They're always looking for the complicated answer.
> "Maybe," said Picard lifting the rifle, "it just needs some
>incuragement."
Mike: Positive reinforcement usually opens up locked doors.
> A blast lept from the end of the barral the door
>disentigrated in a blast of heat.
Tom: Heart pounding run-on action!
> Re-shouldering the weapon
>Picard continued out into the hall way.
Mike: When I think of action heroes, I always think of old, bald
English guys.
> "Seems open to me." he mentioned.
Crow: [Brit] Jolly good one, there, sport! A right fine bon mot!
> Out it the hallway the activity of the base became more
>apperent.
Tom: They ran into a shuffleboard tournament.
> Alarms could be heard ringing all over. A young
>Poltarian officer came around the corner.
Mike: Here it comes! The big reveal!
> He was decked in a blue
>outfit. His, if if it was indeed a 'he',
Tom: Your guess is as good as the author's!
> skin was a glossy blue
Crow: What a gyp! They're being attacked by smurfs!
>scales. His eyes were gold.
Tom: Colored?
Mike: No, the real thing. 24 karat.
> On his side he wore a hand phaser and
>a large sword,
Crow: Oh no! It's a Highlander crossover!
All: Aaaaaaaah!!
> most probably for deceration. Apon seeing the
>group he reached blindly for his phaser,
Tom: Blindly?
Mike: It's probably hard to see with solid gold contacts.
> that was securly
>fastened to his belt. Worf reacted in kind,
Mike: But less than kin.
> bringing the rifle
>around. A whine was heard
Tom: It's a Lucille Ball rifle.
Crow: [Lucy] Awww, Ricky, I want to be in the fanfic.
> and the headless Poltar body slumped to
>the floor. Searching
Tom: For Bobby Fischer.
> the body Picard and Worf recovered a coded
>key and a new phaser.
Mike: Demetrius stole this a plot from an Infocom text adventure.
> Picard turned to Data and hadded him the card."Take this
All: And call me in the morning.
> at
>first chance get into one of the computers."
> "Sir," said Geordi,"I am detecting
Crow: [Geordi] Our imminent deaths just ahead.
> strong energy readings to
>the left. They appear much like phaser emissions from a ship
>phaser."
Tom: I'm redundant and repetitive and redundant.
> "From the inside or outside?"
> "Comeing from the base outwards."
Crow: Then it's...from the...inside...then?
Mike: Thank you, Geordi, for phrasing the answer in the most
confusing way possible.
> "That's the way we go."
> Picard set off at a light jog towards the left.
Tom: The apocalypse is a great place to get in some exercise.
> He was
>followed closely by Worf and then Data, Geordi, and last O'Brian,
>who coulden't understand when he got drafted.
Crow: I bet O'Brien wishes he had a note from Michael Piller
excusing him from this suicide run.
Mike: [O'Brien] But I can't die. I'm a major character on Deep
Space 9. I'm vital to the show.
Tom: [Picard] Whatever. Now be a good soldier and get slaughtered.
> As they ran down the hall the sound of the phaser banks grew.
>They stopped at a door.
Tom: Except for Data.
Crow: Thunk...thunk...thunk...thunk...
Mike: [Picard] Data, you have to open the door first.
> Data quickly slid the key through the
>manual lock. A few seconds later it opened. Picard and Worf
>rushed in fireing at the three men who maned the bank.
Mike: This is a stick up! Open the safe!
> One was
>disentigrated instantly, the other was split in two at the waist.
Tom: The third died instantly when the author forgot he existed.
>Data and Geordi followed into the room. Data sat at the console
>and began to attept to access.
Crow: What the hell kind of operating system is this? It's not
Mac, it's not DOS. Is this some weird mainframe OS?
> O'Brian stood at the door keeping
>watch. Data's eyes never blinked as the screen flashed numbers,
Tom: 12:00...12:00...12:00...12:00...12:00...
>letters, and charts in the alian language.
Mike: Yet again a member of the Enterprise is able to use an alien
piece of machinery in an alien language with no problems
whatsoever.
Crow: I'm only buying it if he accidentally turns off life support
or activates the self destruct function.
> Geordi was also busy
>scanning the equitment used in the room. Worf seeing yet a bigger
>gun,
Tom: Paging Dr. Freud, paging Dr. Freud.
> sat at the controls and targeted the the phaser bank.
Crow: And aimed it at the the eye creatures.
> After
>getting somewhat used to the controls through trial and error, he
>bagan
Mike: Bilbo Bagan.
> to look for the fireing button. On his third try he found
>it.
Tom: Unfortunately, he discharged it point blank into the room
killing everyone. The end.
> A lance of energy arched into the night, striking one of the
>many Poltar ship
Mike: All one of them.
> protecting to base.
> "Captain," said Data getting up from the console,"the main
>reactor is on deck 85 section C5.
Crow: So the aliens use Arabic base ten and the English alphabet?
> It is currently unguarded. No
>men have been assiagned to it."
Tom: That is the definition of unguarded. Boy, that Data is sharp.
> "Good work Data. You desirve a raise.
Crow: I detect an upcoming "artificial intelligence takes an idiom
literally" joke.
> How do we get there
>from here?"
Mike: [New Englander] Ya can't get theah from heah.
> "It would take to long to say,"
Tom: So Demetrius will type it out.
> said Data, who coulden't
>figure out why his captain would raise him,
Crow: Told you.
Mike: I see your Data, and I raise you a Worf.
> "I will have to show
>you."
> "Lead on Data."
> Data looked quickly bothways down the hall.
Crow: At the same time? That must be hard on the eyes.
> Then darted
Mike: In front of a car.
Crow: [screeches, then makes crash noise]
Tom: Why don't they look?
> to
>the right. Picard was second out the door, right in front of
>O'Brian. Worf and Geordi were the last two.
Tom: And bringing up the rear--Beetlebob!
> Worf paused only long
>enough to fire into the room before the door shut.
Crow: [Worf] As long as I've got the opportunity, I may as well
blow stuff up.
> As it shut the
>explosion from the phaser battery
Mike: Caution: Do not dispose of batteries in a fire. Do not
insert batteries backwards.
> shock the floor.
Tom: Shock the monkey.
> Approving with
>the result they ran to catch up with the rest of them.
>
> The hall was quiet.
All: Too quiet.
Mike: Is that hackneyed, yet?
> Data had lead them the entire distance
>save the last 200 yards. The last hallway
Tom: The last picture show.
Mike: The last of the Mohicans.
Crow: The last of the red hot lovers.
> was wide. It seemed to
>stretch on for miles.
Crow: Or 200 yards, whichever comes first.
> Picard started down the hallway. A hum
>filled the air.
All: [make the "monolith" humming noise from 2001]
> Data jumped at Picard pushing him to the floor.
>"Look out!"
Tom: For snakes!
> he yelled. Data's body fell backwards. A green beam
>held him up as he flew through the air. The phaser eating through
>his uniform and sending parts of his andriod body flying through
>the air, held him for a full three seconds. His burned and
>sparking body fell to the floor.
Crow: Cool! Do it again!
> "My appologies captain the plans did not show the anti-
>per..." the life drained out of Data.
Mike: [mechanic] Well here's yer problem. Ya got a leak in the
life pan. That'll run ya around $500.
> "Anti-?" repeated Picard out loud.
Tom: Antipasto. Those hors d'oeuvres are deadly!
> "Anti-personel" said Worf.
> "I see them sir." said Geordi,
Crow: [Strangelove] Mein Fuhrer, I can see!
> "They are spaced about two
>every 50 meters or so."
> "Worf? Do you see them?"
Mike: Do you feel them near you?
> "They are not visable to me. If they were I'd be able to
Tom: See them.
>remove them."
> "Let me target for you." said Geordi.
> Worf agreed at set his phaser on a low steady setting.
Crow: Why not just have Geordi shoot them?
Tom: Because that would be *logical.*
>Tracking it along the walls he listened to Geordi's instructions.
>Left. Up. Right.
Mike: North by northwest.
Crow: Over the river and through the woods.
Tom: Down and out.
> There. Worf bosted the power from the rifle. The
>result, a shower of sparks that fell like candy from a pinada.
Crow: Or like vomit from a drunken frat boy.
>Another was taken out and then another. The hall was soon clear.
>The foursome
Tom: John! Paul! George! Ringo!
> moved to the end, weary of new traps. The final door
>took the efforts of both
Mike: Eva Gabor and James A. Garfield.
> Picard and Worf to remove with phaser
>fire. Once the door came down they quickly filed
Tom: Full tilt clerical action!
> into the room.
>
> The reactor chamber was a large room with smooth walls.
Crow: Ward E!
> Four
>crystal tubes radiated from the center chamber to four of the six
>walls. A single black tube
Mike: Looking for a pipe of any color. Enjoys long walks and
classical music.
> ran into the ceiling. The chamber
>itself was a metal box,
Tom: Like Cherry 2000?
Crow: I'm thinking she was more latex and plastic.
> much like the dylithium chamber on the
>Enterprise.
Crow: In other words, yet another cheap set.
> It hummed and the crystal tubes flashed. It was most
>peacefull, almost hypnotic. The sound of
Mike: Music.
Tom: Silence.
Crow: One hand clapping.
> foot steps running down
>the hall broke the spell.
Crow: Releasing the princess from her hundred years sleep.
> O'Brian and Geordi turned to stop the
>intrusion. They fired several times before they fell.
Tom: [sarcastically] Oh, *that* helped.
> First
>O'Brian then Geordi. Three Poltarian guards ran into the room.
All: [singing] Three Poltarian guards, three Poltarian guards, see
how they run, see how they run...
>Worf tackled one, a loud snap filled the air and then there were
>two.
Mike: Ten little Indians.
> Grabbing the sword from the back of the dead guard,
Tom: He who removes this sword is rightwise King of England.
> Worf
>lashed out
Mike: Worf has some serious issues he needs to work through.
> cutting the other at waist point and then again at
>neck level when he stood up.
Crow: How do you stand up when you've been severed at the waist?
> With the sword in one hand and his
>hand phaser in another
Mike: In *another?* How many hands does Worf have?
> he stood against the last guard. For the
>first time in his life Worf
Tom: Got lucky.
> meet someone better than he was.
Mike: Oh, come on. Worf is the the galaxy's punching bag. He gets
beaten up every other episode.
> His
>body fell at the guards feet.
Tom: He fell at *all* the guards' feet? That must've been some
blow.
> Picard had taken a stance
Crow: On abortion.
> behind
>the chamber. He pointed at the chamber
Tom: Hey, don't you know it's rude to point?
> and shouted.
> "You lose!" he said.
Mike: Game over, man! Game over!
> "Wrong!" said a voice from behind.
> Picard's hand reached for the trigger.
>
> 50 years later
Crow: Whoa! Did we just hit another time warp?
> where the base floated a monument was placed.
>On it read the inscription "To mark the last stand of the United
>Federation of Planets and aliance fleet".
Tom: Disney plans to build a theme park there.
> A little guy with blue
>skin comes by every year to polish it, although his scales
>scratch it just a little.
All: Boooo!
Crow: Lamer than the end of "Monster-A-Go-Go," bleaker than the
finale of "Red Zone Cuba," it's the conclusion of TimeLapse!
Tom: But it doesn't make any sense. If the Poltars won, why would
they want to commemorate the last stand of the Federation? Why
glorify your enemy?
Mike: Let's just be thankful that it's over and leave it at that.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[Tom and Crow are dressed up as pretentious literary critics. Mike
isn't around.]
Tom: Rather Orwellian view of the Star Trek universe, wouldn't you
say, Crow?
Crow: Exactly, Thomas. Demetrius Pietz combined both the dystopic
viewpoint of "1984," and the utopian society of Star Trek. The
end result: while you expect the ever-successful Enterprise to
win out in the end, in reality, everyone dies a pathetic,
meaningless death. Very Sartrean. Quite a contrast to the time
honored "underdog defeats bully" motif found in so much modern
science fiction and fantasy.
Tom: Quite right. One need only look at J.R.R. Tolkien's
literature for examples. But what did you think of Demetrius'
portrayal of technology? I found it interesting that, as opposed
to most dystopic futures, that it was portrayed in a positive
light, Data's sacrifice to save Picard being the most prominent
example, as opposed to, shall we say, "Blade Runner" or "Silent
Running," where man is the slave of technology, or man's
technological advance has led to the destruction of earth. In
TimeLapse, the ruination of man came about due to intrinsic
faults of man, and not his technology.
Crow: Absolutely. In fact, I think the story can be seen as a
retelling of the classical "Garden of Eden" myth. The Enterprise
can be seen as symbolic of Man, with the Poltarian race as his
destructive desires causing his downfall.
[Mike wanders in]
Mike: Hey, guys. What are you doing?
Tom: Crow and I were just commenting on the underlying symbolism
in TimeLapse.
Mike: What symbolism? It seems pretty clear to me. It was a bad
Star Trek fanfic. It sucked. End of case.
Crow: But Mike, what about the use of Riker as the sacrificial
Christ figure? Or--
Mike: You two are making too much out of this. It was just a bad
story, rife with grammatical errors--
Tom: "Finnegans Wake!" The deconstruction of language!
Mike: --unattributable quotes--
Crow: Rather Kafkaesque loss of identity, wouldn't you say?
Mike: --and a pathetic plot.
Tom: Heathen!
Crow: Philistine!
[The bots storm off.]
Mike: Wonder what got into them? What do you think, sir?
[Deep 13]
[Dr. Forrester is behind a podium, dressed in a tweed suit.]
Dr. F: ...and notice the reoccurring use of "sat" at the beginning
of each episode, similar to Dante's use of "stars" in his "Divine
Comedy." Tomorrow, class, have Enterprized, parts 1-4 read, and
be prepared for a discussion on Marrissa and Picard's
relationship and parallels between it and Euripides' and
Sophocles' "Electra," Colette's "Gigi," and, of course, Vladimir
Nabokov's "Lolita." Dismissed.
\ | /
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fwshhhh
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations, and
merchandise are copyright 1994 Best Brains, Inc. This MSTing is
not authorized, endorsed, or supported by anyone. It is not
intended as an attack on anyone's beliefs. This article may be
freely distributed as long as this notice remains intact.
MiSTed by Chris Mayfield, camf...@iastate.edu. Comments welcome.
>Picard and Riker were sitting, staring almost mindlessly at the
>view screen.