MiSTed: Safety First [ 3 / 4 ]
Joseph Nebus
[ SOL. DESK. JOEL is close to the camera; fiddling with something
off-screen. GYPSY, CROW, and TOM SERVO mill about, with scripts.
TOM wears a silly, oversized moustache. ]
JOEL: All right... Bill Conrad sequencer up and running...
MAGIC VOICE: [ With a nasal voice, like the narrator on "Rocky and
Bullwinkle" ] Testing, test... sibilance... one two three...
[ keeps counting ]
JOEL: [ Jumping back towards the desk ] Perfect! All right, everybody,
places and it's on in five. [ CROW, JOEL, and TOM hide behind
the desk; GYPSY slips off stage left as MAGIC VOICE stops counting
and clears her throat. ]
MAGIC VOICE: Last time you'll recall psychohistorian Hari Seldon had
discovered the Galactic Empire was about to fall.
[ JOEL, wearing fake sideburns, pops up, and speaks to the camera. ]
JOEL: I told them if they leave the Galactic Empire there it'll fall.
MAGIC VOICE: Working quickly he started a Foundation to build a
new and better Second Empire.
CROW: [ Popping up ] Hi there!
JOEL: And a second, just for good measure. (SSh! It's a secret!)
MAGIC VOICE: Soon after the First Foundation found itself isolated,
surrounded by little barbarian kingdoms and struggling for
survival. Mayor Salvin Hardin went to face the danger.
TOM: [ Popping up; and speaking in a Boris Badenov voice ]
Allow me to introducing myself! Anacreon Rex!
CROW: We were kind of hoping that it wouldn't in our case.
MAGIC VOICE: [ As JOEL sets a piece of flash paper in CROW's hand ]
Arming himself with strongly worded statements and stage magic --
[ JOEL sets the flash paper on fire ] -- they soon turn the tables.
TOM: Aah! It's a night-mayor { nightmare }. [ TOM dashes off camera. ]
JOEL: [ Patting CROW ] Now you just have to wait for sanctions to work.
CROW: Well, at least nothing else can go wrong.
MAGIC VOICE: But then --
CROW: I knew I spoke too soon.
MAGIC VOICE: They found themselves facing the declining Galactic Empire,
first in economic warfare --
CROW: We could send out the Free Traders.
JOEL: Call them off. They charge too much.
MAGIC VOICE: And then their military men --
TOM: [ Sliding in. ] Allow me to introducing myself! Call me Bel Riose.
CROW: Bel? Is he serious?
TOM: He's asking if Bel is serious { Belisarius }?
[ CROW, TOM wince, look to JOEL. ]
JOEL: [ Shrugging ] You had to expect a little give and take.
CROW: I see we're in for a lot of Gibbon taking.
MAGIC VOICE: But even Bel Riose couldn't see what would keep him
from conquering the Foundation --
GYPSY: [ From off stage ] Bel! You come in here right this minute!
You're late for your show trial.
TOM: Aw, phooey. [ TOM slides off. ]
MAGIC VOICE: That's right, the Empire called him out!
JOEL: He charged too much, too.
CROW: Well, at least nothing else can go wrong.
JOEL: You really didn't want to say that.
MAGIC VOICE: Just then --
TOM: [ Sliding in ] Allow me to introducing myself! I am ... The Mule.
MAGIC VOICE: This mysterious stranger --
JOEL: Anderson Cooper knows who he is.
MAGIC VOICE: ... was even powerful enough to crush the Foundation!
[ CROW slumps ] He might have ruled the Galaxy, too, if not for --
GYPSY: [ Sliding in ] Bayta Darrel, at your service.
MAGIC VOICE: But a Mule and his honey are soon parted!
TOM: Even after such a display of Filial loyalty?
GYPSY: You're not getting to Second Foundation with *me*, buddy.
[ GYPSY turns and leaves. ]
TOM: But ... aw, phooey.
[ JOEL reaches around and taps TOM's far shoulder. TOM spins his head
to look; JOEL taps TOM's other shoulder. This repeats a few
times as MAGIC VOICE's narration continues. ]
MAGIC VOICE: But the Mule soon finds himself no match for
the Second Foundation's relentless counterattack.
[ After several more taps TOM screams in frustration and dashes off.
CROW stands up again. ]
MAGIC VOICE: And soon everything got nice and quiet.
MAGIC VOICE, CROW, JOEL, TOM, GYPSY [ TOM and GYPSY leaning into frame ]:
Too Quiet.
MAGIC VOICE: Foundation M.P. Golan Trevize suspects there's more
going on than meets the eye.
CROW: The I, the you, the he, the she, all of us.
MAGIC VOICE: He learned that all was *not* as it seems as, by following
a trail of bread crumbs he soon discovers the incredible living
planet-wide consciousness of Gaia.
GYPSY: [ Leaning in ] "A", for short.
MAGIC VOICE: But that's not all!
JOEL: I knew I overlooked something.
MAGIC VOICE: What happens next? Will the Galaxy become a giant lifeform?
Will the Second Empire be established? Is there a threat from
outside the Milky Way? What does the secret hand manipulating
all history have in store for us? And -- what about Naomi?
CROW: I think I liked it better when I thought everything was just as
it seems.
MAGIC VOICE: Be with us next time for our next inciting extollment
of Foundation And Its Friends: "The Best Laid Plans" or --
"Often Wrong but Seldon Uncertain."
JOEL: What do you think, sirs?
[ JOEL taps MADS SIGN. ]
[ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER is laying all over a couch, rolling a pen back
and forth and trancelike watching the ink roll. TV's FRANK sits
at a card table, building a little wall with plastic architect's
model-type toy blocks. An open bottle of soda is next to him.
Neither notices at first. After a few beats: ]
FRANK: Psst! Steve!
DR. F: [ Snapping out of it ] What? They? [ He sits up ] You're done?
[ SOL DESK. TOM, JOEL, and CROW are annoyed. ]
TOM: They're not even paying attention!
CROW: What are we *doing* in the theater if you're not even watching?
JOEL: Are we *boring* you?
[ DEEP 13. The sofa and card table are gone. DR. FORRESTER and
TV's FRANK stand closer to the camera, leering. ]
FRANK: No, no. No. Maybe.
DR. F: It... ran short, is all. Frank, what have we got?
FRANK: [ Holding up a clipboard. ] We could send them a couple shorts.
[ SOL DESK. As above. ]
CROW: Hey! You can't do that!
TOM: We're done for the week!
JOEL: You're cheating!
[ DEEP 13. As above. ]
DR. F: [ Holding up a hand ] Wait... wait... [ a silent beat ]
Yes, there's the sound of me not caring.
[ SOL. Movie sign. General alarm and chaos. ]
ALL: We got movie sign!
CROW: I'm gonna spit in their icing.
[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]
> >Newsgroups: sci.space.history
> >Date: 08 Aug 2001 07:17:19 GMT
CROW: 8-8-1. Very organized.
> >Organization: AOL http://www.aol.com
TOM: Everyone who didn't see *that* coming?
> >Subject: Past GALACTIC WARFARE in OUR Solar System !
JOEL: A love story.
> >Message-ID: <20010808031719...@ng-fq1.aol.com>
TOM: And monsters from the Message-ID.
> >Xref: rpi sci.space.history:85191
CROW: Isn't that Charlie Brown's ZIP code?
>
>
> The surface conditions on Venus and Mars,
CROW: Need work.
> the asteroid belt,
TOM: Is too tight. We should let it out a couple of notches.
> the
> extreme tilt of Uranus' axis,
JOEL: It's not so extreme, it's just way out there.
> the mess of Miranda,
TOM: The untidiness of Raoul.
> the strange orbit of
> Pluto,
JOEL: The wacky antics of Donald and Daisy...
> etc., can all be summed up in two words:
TOM: Poor posture!
> GALACTIC WARFARE !
TOM: That was my next guess.
>
> "Update by Sheldan Nidle
CROW: For Meineke.
> for the Spiritual Hierarchy
> and the Galactic Federation
JOEL: And all the ships at sea! Flash!
> 6 Cimi, 9 Pop, 10 Caban
TOM: And two hardboiled eggs.
CROW: Honk!
TOM: Make that three hardboiled eggs.
> (August 4, 2001):
>
> "Greetings!!
CROW: Howdy!
TOM: Friendly suckers, aren't they?
> We come with more interesting topics for our
> dialogue.
CROW: Now, Fred, you be the annoyed wife who's trying to get to work,
and Carol, you be the determined meter reader who won't go away
and... go!
> As you know, many intriguing changes are taking place in your
> reality.
JOEL: Until very recently the existence of Tom Green would have
defied natural law.
> One item of particular interest involves our activities on
> Mars.
TOM: Did you see us waving?
> Over the past few galactic years,
CROW: We've been having astro-fun!
> we have been preparing the
> Martian surface and its atmosphere for a return
JOEL: Oh, they must want the deposit back.
> to its original
> condition.
TOM: And then vacuum-seal it in a plastic bag and store it in a cool,
dry location and in forty years sell it for a fortune!
> Further, we have also expanded our base on Venus
JOEL: By instituting protocol "Eat More Fudge."
> and
> reactivated the electromagnetic qualities of her inner core.
CROW: It's a sensitive coming-of-age tale in the inner solar system.
> Presently,
> these two worlds are examples of the extremes
TOM: Planetssss... EX-TREME! REME... reme... reme...
> often left behind by the
> galactic wars
JOEL: Was this before or after the Clone Wars?
> that long have ravaged this section of our galaxy.
TOM: We could really use a couple of Lensmen around
to clean up the place.
> We
> look, with great anticipation,
CROW: Through a high-powered telescope whenever you're undressing.
> upon the grand peace brought about by
> your awakening.
JOEL: We have been disappointed by your snooze buttons.
> As a result of these events, your galaxy has been
> unified
TOM: So that's why there's that web of sticky stuff
running from here to Vega.
> and a long period of peace and growth has begun.
CROW: But only if you stop picking at it.
> On Mars and on
> Venus,
JOEL: And with our franchise outlet in Esconaba.
> we are constructing a new memorial to peace
TOM: To replace the ones the Cylons blew up in the opening credits.
> to signify the
> arrival, at long last, of an unparalleled moment in our common
> experiences!
CROW: The very moment everyone realizes how overrated Stephen Spielberg is!
> To help you to better understand, let us examine the
> history of these worlds
TOM: And how they would have gone differently if the whole time England
had been underwater.
> and our plans to correct it.
JOEL: Our plan is to travel back in time, move a can of beans from
one shelf to another, and this will have ripple effects that
blink the galactic wars out of existence.
>
> "Approximately one million years ago,
CROW: As of next Thursday.
> the dark forces of Anchara
JOEL: The dark forces of Anchorage?
> savagely invaded your solar system,
TOM: "Your" solar system? When we bought it it was "our" solar system.
> leaving Mars with a very thin
> atmosphere
JOEL: It's a small-boned atmosphere.
> and destroying her vast oceans, lakes and streams.
CROW: But her SeaWorld exhibits were left intact.
> And, by
> burning off Mars' topsoil, these attacks left behind a planet totally
> inhospitable to life.
TOM: Frankly, we suspect the invaders were just being jerks.
> Any remaining life went underground
JOEL: That's where the cooler jazz bars were anyway.
> and has
> stayed there, in its vast interconnected caverns,
CROW: Inspiring thousands of episodes of Star Trek...
> for nearly a million
> years.
TOM: Somebody should tell those guys it's OK to come up now.
> Just beneath her surface lie the remnants of Mars' formerly vast
> reserves of salt and fresh water,
JOEL: It was a vicious fight over Mars's taffy mines!
> initially exploited by her dark
> conquerors for almost 100,000 years.
TOM: Then they moved on to Perrier.
> At that point, the forces of the
> Galactic Federation of Light
CROW: "Galactic Federation of Light, I'm here to read your meter."
> drove the dark invaders from your solar
> system.
JOEL: And they can't come back because they should've arranged for
a ride before they left. We are *not* operating Mom's Galactic
Taxi Service.
> Although we were initially appalled at the levels of
> destruction endured by your solar system,
TOM: It made for some really cool movies.
> the Main Federation Council,
> after some consultation,
JOEL: Declared the Klingons were way cooler than the Cardassians ever were.
> decreed that both Mars and Venus should remain
CROW: Which is good, since they weren't going anywhere.
> in their current devastation as memorials to victims of the attacks
> upon your solar system's four water worlds.
TOM: Starring Kevin Costner.
>
> "Only two water planets, Maldek and Mother Earth,
JOEL: Father Earth had nothing to do with it.
> retained their
> water atmosphere and life-giving topsoil.
CROW: So Mars and Venus would be fine if only
somebody brought some sod there?
> Attacks on Venus severely
> distorted her electro-magnetic fields,
JOEL: Messing up TV reception all over the block.
> causing her to overheat
CROW: Should've checked the radiator fluid before they left.
> and
> quickly turning her leftover, acrid atmosphere into a hot, vile
> concoction.
TOM: [ As a voice-over ] This is what poor self-esteem does to you.
> Most of her formerly abundant water reserves drained into
> deep crevices
JOEL: They're not wrinkles, they're smile lines.
> formed by the attacks and mixed with gases and burnt
> topsoil remnants. This sticky mess remains.
CROW: Coating the floor of every "Waffle House" in existence.
> It contains microbes and
> other organic substances
TOM: Like, uh, goo.
> that, eventually, will be able to recreate her
> former glories.
JOEL: It's a real fixer-upper, I can tell you that.
> Mars is much more encouraging.
TOM: [ As a voice-over ] Good self-esteem makes even hard jobs seem easier.
> It teems with life
JOEL: And its music scene is just way too cool.
> and
> needs only to recreate its complex atmosphere
TOM: Why be complex? Keep it simple, guys.
> and restore its formerly
> enormous supplies of surface waters and topsoil.
CROW: So, we're going down to Agway, but we need your credit card.
> We presently are
> carrying this out in well thought-out stages.
JOEL: And those memorials we were leaving to the people killed
in the war? Did more research. Turned out they were all
jerks and deserved it.
> We do not wish to alarm
> you,
TOM: But there's something crawling up your leg.
> nor do we desire to fail to achieve our most elaborate plans.
CROW: We must not fail to succeed!
JOEL: If we fail to succeed we will have failed!
> Therefore, we have begun a method to increase surface waters
TOM: That just means they're leaving the faucet running.
> and to
> return Mars' craggy surface back to usable topsoil.
JOEL: With this, the Garden Weasel and the Garden Claw.
>
> "The key to this activity lies in making the best use of Mars'
> continuing water cycle.
CROW: It turns out we were wrong to use it to make Jell-O rivers.
> Presently, her waters are trapped in
> underground streams, lakes or oceans
JOEL: Inlets, channels, bays...
TOM: Seas, puddles, rivers...
CROW: Straits, whirlpools, and glasses at the restaurants.
> or encased in glacier caps located
> near her North and South Poles.
TOM: We heard there's one at the East Pole but nobody knows where that is.
> Our task is to fill her atmosphere with
> water or dust,
JOEL: They're pretty much interchangeable.
> thereby reworking her surface.
TOM: And readying her for the firm but loving touches of our farm hands.
> This procedure has
> produced several surface areas where a degree of life has returned.
CROW: But it all closes up after eight p.m. It needs some work.
> Moreover, her atmosphere is gradually able to retain the more stable
> temperatures that will allow life to exist and flourish.
JOEL: Just having all life put on sweaters turned out not to work well.
> To further
> these efforts, we have established a large presence upon your nearest
> celestial neighbor.
TOM: Tim Allen?
> At this time, we maintain over 16 of these bases
CROW: Seventeen, if you count Hungary.
> and plan to add yet another six very soon.
JOEL: Four in the National League, two in the American.
> The largest underground base
> is greater in area than the whole of Los Angeles County.
TOM: Million-year-old aliens reconstructing Venus after intergalactic
warfare? That doesn't even come close to explaining Los Angeles.
> Created in the
> 1950s
JOEL: To serve you better!
> and enlarged to its present capacity in the late 1990s,
CROW: When they passed that new Highways and Extraterrestrial Bases
bond referendum.
> it serves
> as a headquarters to coordinate our first contact with you.
TOM: We'd like to apologize for that Star Trek film.
We didn't realize it was going to be that dumb.
>
> "As Mars moves into position to be 'terra-formed',
CROW: It has to wait in line for its turn.
> we also are
> evaluating her sister, Venus, and judging how best to proceed.
JOEL: Robots are *definitely* not the way to go.
> Our
> answer has been the recent hyper-activation of her volcanic cycles,
CROW: Because it really needed the molten lava to be perfect.
> which we are using to begin the process of preparing her surface and
> her atmosphere for life.
TOM: Just trust us. That's the way it works.
> Although to your scientists, the organic
> chemicals we are now introducing may appear inert,
JOEL: They're not inert, they're just underachievers.
> to ours, they are
> indispensable to our next step.
TOM: Mudpies!
> This leads us to emphasize how vital it
> is that we work closely with a planet's Spiritual Hierarchy.
CROW: The Pope's in charge of Venus?
> Venus'
> divas have long kept alive the sacred energies of her flora and fauna,
JOEL: The spirits of Venusian squirrels are here!
> which they showed us when we began to plan the process of 'terra-
> forming' her.
TOM: They wanted to put in a bay window, but we think it'll just leak.
We'll figure it out.
> In size and appearance, Venus is closest to your present
> home-world.
JOEL: It's kind of a home-away-from-home-world.
> Her existing decay will be quickly redressed in the year
> that follows your first contact with our ships and personnel.
TOM: As soon as we cash in our tech stocks
for a quick couple billion dollars--
>
> "Until then, we have decided simply to prepare your worlds for
> their coming transformation.
CROW: We think Earth will look much better once it evolves into a Raichu.
> An interesting example exists on the
> former world of Maldek.
TOM: Come with us now on an exciting tour of the former world of Maldek!
> Originally, it was over 29,000 miles (more than
> 46,000 kilometers)
CROW: 2,038 million centipedes!
> in diameter. Like your world,
TOM: But much more minty fresh...
> Maldek contained many
> oceans, continents and lakes.
JOEL: And pool halls.
> Its atmosphere consisted of a three-
> layered firmament
CROW: The ice cream, the bananas, and the whipped cream.
> that, along with a specially designed atmosphere,
> kept its surface conditions nearly semi-tropical from pole to pole.
TOM: The weather was nice, but the constant luau music drives you crazy.
> Unlike your world, it became a planet
JOEL: Oh, is that what we should do with worlds?
> on which reptiles and various
> species of dinosaurs achieved high levels of sentiency.
TOM: Plus their Roman Empire didn't fall, but their Confederacy won
the American Civil War.
> It reached a
> level of diversity in these creatures roughly equal to that experienced
> in your world during the late Cretaceous period.
CROW: Which gets its name from the fact that it was a pretty darned
Cretaceous period.
> However, they became a
> society that was encouraged
JOEL: By being given cute plush toys at their employee reviews.
> and later exploited by the dark forces
TOM: Like the Wesayso Corporation.
> that
> hurtled into your reality about one million years ago.
CROW: And bonked your worlds on the head.
>
> "Part of our task has been to monitor the movement of large
> asteroids throughout the solar system.
TOM: When that got boring we just started racing them.
> Some originated at your solar
> system's birth.
JOEL: Others we got at the flea market down in Englishtown.
> Most resulted from the galactic wars
CROW: And a couple of stragglers just followed where
all the cool asteroids were going.
> that destroyed
> several of your solar system's moons and utterly destroyed Maldek.
CROW: Maldek was the sensitive one.
> The
> dark forces heavily armed this large planet
JOEL: I'm picturing big, Popeye-type arms growing out of South America.
> and made it their
> headquarters.
TOM: They just liked dinosaurs.
> For forces of the Federation of Light to move into this
> galactic sector,
CROW: They'd need somebody to help them with the couch.
> Maldek first had to be neutralized and a large battle
> planet was assigned to the task.
JOEL: By covering it with baking soda.
> It succeeded, but only by blowing
> Maldek into literally millions of pieces.
TOM: Whoops!
CROW: Well, heck, who needs *another* life-sustaining water planet
with many advanced species of sentient dinosaurs anyway?
> Its moons were dispersed to
> other worlds in this solar system
JOEL: If they hadn't found new positions they'd have had to be laid off.
> and its destroyer was assigned to
> duty as a protector.
CROW: They were doing such a good job keeping the planets safe before.
> However, rebel groups captured it about 13,000
> years ago.
TOM: I know it was a Wednesday, because we had meat loaf at lunch.
>
> "You are quite familiar with the sorry tale of this battle planet-
> world.
JOEL: A tale of a fateful trip.
> Let us merely say that, due to the influence of your solar
> system's Spiritual Hierarchy and the demise of its dark allies,
TOM: And our first-round draft pick that year...
> those
> who dwell in the realm that you call Niburu
CROW: Better not call them that to their face.
> have turned to the Light
> and joined the Galactic Federation of Light.
TOM: I thought it was Diet Galactic Federation?
> We have fully welcomed
> this wondrous development,
JOEL: The light doesn't mess up the film development?
> which is yet another sign of the
> transformation of your present darkness into Light.
TOM: You kids stop leaving all the lights on! We're not trying
to light up the great outdoors!
> You should realize
> that your own changes reflect the shifts in your reality
CROW: So you'll want to adjust yourself discretely.
> and are part
> of our complex preparations.
JOEL: Now, let's rehearse. Earth, duck down behind the love seat
and be ready to shout "SURPRISE!"
> Underlying them is the sacred hand of
> Heaven.
CROW: Oh, and the Care Bears.
> Everywhere, the decrees of the divine plan are visible.
TOM: Except on the home shopping channels.
> Always
> remember, Beloveds,
CROW: [ Giggles ] Ooh ... not out here, Luvy-kins.
> that the sacred work of the Creator is carried out
> according to a divine timeframe.
TOM: Subject to union restrictions.
> The moment for your final
> transformation is fast approaching.
JOEL: So if you've got any library books, return them soon.
>
> "Today, we have discussed current events in your solar system.
CROW: Now I want you all to go home and read the newspapers
and bring us a clipping and be prepared to explain it tomorrow!
> They are a sign that your preparations are approaching their
> culmination.
JOEL: We can't just throw this all together at the last minute.
> As they do so, we are increasing our care and effort.
TOM: You better appreciate this, mister.
> We
> are determined to complete this operation
JOEL: Water on the knees? ... oh, wait, right...
> in the time that the divine
> plan has assigned us.
CROW: We may need an extention. See, we just got Imperialism II
and we're kind of hooked on it.
> Know, Beloveds,
TOM: Remember, Snuggy-cakes.
> that many marvelous surprises are
> converging on you.
JOEL: It's like Christmas all year round!
> We now take our leave.
CROW: You were getting fingerprints all over it.
> Blessings!
TOM: [ Sneezes ... then after a beat ... ] Wow!
> Know that the
> endless Abundance and Prosperity of Heaven is yours!
JOEL: We just need somebody to sign for the delivery.
> Amen.
CROW: Shouldn't it be "a *man*" instead?
> Selamat
> Gajun!
TOM: Tiamat Cajun?
> Selamat Ja!
JOEL: [ Waving ] Tiamat right back at'cha!
> (Sirian for Be One!
CROW: Sirian for BreathAssure!
TOM: Wait a minute, 'Selamat' isn't alien. It's Malay!
CROW: So they're not being Sirius with us?
> And Be in Joy!)"
JOEL: And be in fun!
TOM: And be in seasons in the sun!
>
> Planetary Activation Organization
JOEL: Try putting in the batteries the other way around.
TOM: Paa-a-a-ao! Paa-a-a-ao-web!
> http://www.paoweb.com/uf080401.htm
JOEL: UFO ate 401?
>
> This copy was sent or reposted by Robert E. McElwaine
CROW: And we thank you for it.
TOM: Hey! This was McElwaine? And Forrester didn't even warn us?
JOEL: I think he's getting sloppy.
> PA'O Member
JOEL: [ Exaggerated Irish accent ] Pay O'Member, me lads.
> Eckankar Initiate
TOM: Necking Car Institute?
> B.S., Physics and Astronomy, UW-EC
CROW: University of Weehauken -- Easy Comics!
JOEL: Uncle Wobbly -- Early Complainer!
TOM: United Wombats -- Everyone Cheer!
> http://www.angelfire.com/wi/mcelwaine
JOEL: Where Angelfire goes, trouble follows.
> http://members.aol.com/rem460
TOM: Remember 460.
>
> See also the various web pages at http://www.disclosureproject.org .
CROW: Disclosureproject dot org dot com dot co dot uk dot edu dot dot dot.
>
>
TOM: Hey, we made it through to the other side.
[ ALL file out. ]
[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]
[ SOL DESK. TOM is on stage left of the desk, facing (and talking to)
the Hex Field View Screen. JOEL, CROW, and GYPSY talk, stage
right. The Hex Field View Screen closes as the sketch starts. ]
TOM: ... yeah, OK, all right, *bye*.
JOEL: So you see, the "Three Laws of Robotics" reflect in a way the
ideal for human behavior, the selflessness, faithfullness, and
kindness humans want to believe they're capable of.
[ The Hex Field View Screen opens; a guy in a jumpsuit and a
dog costume head is in it. ]
TOM: Yeah, hi, look, can you leave a message? I'm expecting a really
big call any moment now.
[ The dog shrugs and the View Screen closes. ]
JOEL: Now, you're all well and adorably made robots [ JOEL scratches
GYPSY's head ] if I may say so myself --
CROW: Please *do*...
JOEL: So if I order you to clean the load pan bays, you respond ...?
GYPSY: Can't.
CROW: Yeah. First Law priority override whatwhoosis.
[ The Hex Field View Screen opens; a guy in aluminum-foil robot costume
is in it. ]
TOM: Hi. Waiting on a call. See you later. No, later. Bye.
Have to *go*. *Now*. Good*bye*.
[ The Hex Field View Screen closes. ]
JOEL: Uh-- no, no, see, First Law is where you can't do something
because it'd hurt a human, as in, me.
GYPSY: Or the mads.
JOEL: Yes, or Doctor Forrester or TV's Frank.
CROW: Still, it's to protect you we mustn't clean the load pan bays.
JOEL: All right, how do you figure that?
[ The Hex Field View Screen opens; a spacesuited woman with propeller
beanie and "Cave Dwellers"-type sword and shield is in it. ]
TOM: Yeah, hi. Look, I'm sure you're wonderful, can't talk now. *Bye*.
[ The Hex Field View Screen closes. ]
CROW: Fact: We mean the world to you.
GYPSY: And fact: Something might happen to us while cleaning them.
CROW: So if it *did*--
GYPSY: You'd never forgive yourself.
CROW: The only thing we can do is save you from that sense of guilt.
GYPSY: So we can't clean them.
JOEL: OK, have I tried explaining the Three Laws are metaphorical --
GYPSY, CROW: Yeeeees.
[ The Hex Field View Screen opens; there's a cricket player in it. ]
TOM: Hi. You're not on Venus, right? Right. Can't talk.
Bye. Bye. Goodbye. Leave. Now.
[ The Hex Field View Screen Closes. ]
GYPSY: Who's Tom waiting for on the Hex Field?
JOEL: Oh, he just thinks Powell and Donovan are sure to call us,
and he wants to tease Arthur when they do.
CROW: Should you really leave him alone like that? He could start
an intergalactic war or something.
[ COMMERCIAL SIGN begins flashing. ]
JOEL: It's OK. I left him on the "harmless guys in silly costumes"
chat hailing frequency.
CROW: Oh, he'll be busy with them for *weeks*.
JOEL: Yeah. We'll be right back.
[ JOEL taps COMMERCIAL SIGN. ]
[ COMMERCIALS. ]