MiSTed: "Call For Participation"
Steve Brinich
wail of a smoke alarm shatters the quiet! Tom Servo, Crow, and Mike can be
dimly seen to enter from stage right; after a bit of fumbling, Mike hits
a button and the lights come on. The air is noticably smoky.]
Mike: What the--! Where's the fire?!
[Mike and the bots start searching for the source of the smoke. Gypsy
enters from stage left.]
Mike: Gypsy! We're on fire! Where's the extinguisher?
Gypsy: It's in the right bottom drawer right next to you.
[As Gypsy speaks, we can see that smoke is issuing from her mouth.]
Crow: Hey! Gypsy's on fire!!
[Mike pulls out the extinguisher and starts spraying Gypsy.]
Gypsy: Stop! It's not me! It's the Umbilicus!
Mike: You mean all this smoke is being sent up from Deep 13?
[Call light flashes. Mike hits the comm button. The smoke alarm
stops blaring.]
Mike: What's with all this smoke?! This is pretty low, even for you!
[DEEP 13 -- Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank are smoking large pipes and
dressed in classic gentlemen's smoking jackets (Dr. F's is lime green).
There are lots of smoldering cigarettes and cigars sitting is ashtrays
around a table, and a large fan is blowing the smoke into the Deep 13 end
of the Umbilicus.]
Dr F: Oh, can the moral indignation, Rifkin; it's all for the good of
science.
Frank: I thought you said it was because we were short on grants....
Dr F: Shut up, Frank! [To Mike] It's part of my experiment to prove
that, contrary to popular belief, secondhand smoke is good for you.
Crow: The movies and posts weren't evil enough for you, I guess.
Mike: Yeah, now you've switched to chemical warfare.
Dr F: "Switched"?? Really, boobie, don't get the idea that just because
the Tobacco Institute opens its checkbook, I'm going to put *my*
experiments on hold!
Frank: Besides, they only gave Dr. Forrester half as much as he wanted....
[Frank looks at Dr F's annoyed expression and trails off.]
Dr F: Anyway, smoked sausage, your experiment today is yet another
advertisement of sorts for yet another grandiose-but-nebulous scheme
of sorts, which will surely put you *out* of sorts. [grins evilly]
But, first, a short piece by my latest net.kook discovery. Get to
know Ras Mikael Enoch well; I think you'll learn to know and love
his name just as you have Ludwig Plutonium's. Fire when ready, Frank.
Frank: Bombs away! [Pushes experiment-start button]
[SOL -- ALARMS AND PANDEMONIUM]
[INCOMING DOOR SEQUENCE]
>Article 3145 of ba.broadcast:
>Xref: netcom.com ba.broadcast:3145
Crow: [announcer voice] BA Broadcast -- Your Sheep Station!
>Newsgroups: ba.broadcast,alt.current-events.clinton.whitewater
>Path: netcom.com!tafari
>From: taf...@netcom.com (Ras Mikael Enoch)
>Subject: Whitewater: YOU MUST SEE THIS!!!
Tom: [singing] 'Ol Whitewater... keeps on rollin'....
>Message-ID: <tafariCt...@netcom.com>
>Organization: NETCOM On-line Communication Services (408 261-4700 guest)
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL1]
>Date: Mon, 25 Jul 1994 23:53:29 GMT
>Lines: 26
>
>I am not going to wait for Rush Limbaugh
Tom: [falsetto] I'm going to run off with G. Gordon Liddy right now!
> to deal with evidence
Mike: I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that....
> that
>is already out
Crow: [loud chant] We're here! We're evidence! Get used to it!
> in the open concerning Whitewater.
>
>Bill Clinton just recently blasted Jerry Falwell and Rush Limbaugh.
Tom: [melodrama villain voice] Blast! Blasted again!
>Actually Jerry has been more of a muck raker than Rush has ever been.
>Jerry has just produced a video called "The Circle of Power"
Mike: About the Biblical passage that proves that pi = 3.
> this
>is the video that has Bill Clinton very worried.
Crow: He just remembered that he forgot to rewind it before returning it.
> It covers tons of
>evidence, and the mysterious deaths surrounding the Whitewate affair.
Tom: To say nothing of the mysterious disappearance of the letter "r".
>Jerry has a one hour program presently,
Crow: That sure beats having to share a half-hour program with Tom.
Tom: Huh??
Crow: Not *you* -- Tom the cat.
Tom: Oh.
> that is promoting the sale
>of this video -
Mike: Operators are standing by.
Crow: [announcer voice] Call 1-800-GUL-IBLE.
> The one hour program is definately worth seeing!!!
Tom: Especially the "Jack Perkins" intros.
>
>Find out why Robert Fiske is totally unworthy of the position that
>he now holds.
Mike: Why is Robert Fiske totally unworthy of the position he now holds?
Tom: What causes your odd memory lapses?
Crow: How can you have a richer, more fulfilling, career?
All: Read the book!
> Much much more.......
Tom: After this word from our sponsor....
>
>I would seriously suggest calling your local christian station, and
>asking when Jerry will be on again
Mike: Wouldn't it be easier to look it up in the Gideon TV Guide?
> and hopefully they will play
>his hour long program again. It is totally crucial!
Tom: [stereotypical Valley Girl voice] Yeah, *totally*!
>
>
>Ras Mikael Enoch
[OUTGOING DOOR SEQUENCE]
[SOL -- The bridge air is still smoky. Tom and Crow are wearing suits.]
Crow: $100,000, and that's final.
Tom: $50,000, and that's as high as I'll go.
[Mike enters from stage right.]
Mike: What are you two doing?
Crow: We figured that as long as we're in a smoke-filled room, we might
as well practice some politics.
Tom: I'm the lobbyist, and Crow is the Congressman.
Mike: And what's this about $100,000 and $50,000?
Crow: We're negotiating how much money he's forking over.
Mike: Aw, come on, it's not really like that. Most politicians are really
decent, hard-working people with the public interest at heart, and most
lobbyists are professionals representing people who are trying to use
their Constitutional right to petition their government.
Crow: Nelson, you've been inhaling something besides secondhand tobacco
smoke!
Mike: Now, come on, try to do this a little less cynically and see how it
works out.
Tom: Oh, all right. [To Crow] So, you see, Congressman, my proposal
really represents the national interest, strenghtens the economy, and
keeps Americans working in good jobs at good wages.
Crow: You're right -- I'll introduce that bill!
Tom: Great!
Mike: See, the system works! It's not all sleazy deals and bribes....
Crow: Hey -- I don't take bribes, and I expect that $100,000 campaign
contribution in my war chest first thing Monday!
Tom: It's $50,000, and you'll have to wait until Thursday!
[COMMERCIAL SIGN LIGHT]
Mike: We'll be right back....
[INCOMING DOOR SEQUENCE]
>From xa...@netcom.com Fri Jun 24 19:50:33 EDT 1994
>Article: 35862 of alt.politics.libertarian
Tom: Libertarian? I guess that means you should feel free to post here.
Mike: They might want to tighten up the group charter after this....
>Newsgroups: alt.politics.libertarian
>Path: news1.digex.net!rtp.vnet.net!news.sprintlink.net!news.onramp.net!
>convex!cs.utexas.edu!swrinde!ihnp4.ucsd.edu!galaxy.ucr.edu!library.ucla.edu!
>csulb.edu!csus.edu!netcom.com!xanim
>From: xa...@netcom.com (Henry Aroeste)
>Subject: Call For Participation
>Message-ID: <xanimCr...@netcom.com>
>Organization: The Longevity Foundation
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL1]
>Date: Wed, 22 Jun 1994 01:15:22 GMT
>Lines: 152
>Status: RO
Crow: Status report, Ensign Ro....
>
>Below is a Call For Participation in a general brain base
All: [zombie voice] Brraaaiinnnsss!
> being
>established with the cooperation of numerous individuals involved in
>specialized activities.
Mike: I guess he's not interested in a jack-of-all-trades temp, then.
[Mike rises to leave.]
Tom: Oh, no, you don't, Nelson! If we have to endure this, so do you!
[Mike sighs and sits down.]
> We would be very pleased to have further
>representation from your specialty.
Tom: Sounds like it'd be more appropriate to ask for more representatives
from Dr. Forrester's specialty.
>
>Accord Services, Inc., with
Crow: Arope Services, Atwine Services, Awire Services, and other
related corporations.
> The Longevity Foundation,
Mike: Didn't they merge with the Prosperity Foundation to form the
Live Long And Prosper Foundation?
> is
>establishing an Internet-based archive to record
Crow: The names and addresses of all subversives!
Tom: I thought that was the NSA's job....
> the knowledge
>(perceptions, attitudes, insights) of participating individuals.
Mike: Ludwig Plutonium, Alexander Abian, John_-_Winston....
>This resource will be used in conjunction with specialized
>software to coordinate creative problem solving for the persons
>themselves
Crow: If you buy into this, you have more problems that I want to
think about.
> as well as to provide innovative solutions for problems
>involving differing groups of people.
Tom: Whether they want your help or not.
> All thinking men and women
>are urged to join
All: Join us! Join us!
> in this intelligent activity for the purpose of
>improving life on Earth.
Crow: [Locutus of Borg voice] We only seek an improved quality of
life for all species.
>
>We have coined a word.
Tom: [sweetly condescending voice] Why, *of course* you have...
> To brimble
All: Brimble?
> is to BRing IMagination
>into Being for Longevity Effect,
Crow: I thought it meant to BRing IMBecilic LEadership.
> thus supplying brimblations
Mike: Bet you can't say that three times fast.
Tom, Crow: [auctioneer-speed talking] BrimblationsBrimbulumum--
[They crack up laughing.]
>ranging from the simple to the complex, from the personal to the
>global.
Tom: From the redwood forests to the Gulf Stream waters....
Mike: From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli....
Crow: From sea to shining sea....
> Yes, the various religions, tribes, personalities may
>have good intentions,
Tom: [low and menacing] And we all *know* what road is paved with
good intentions... BwaaHaaHAAA....
> but there is no effective procedure whereby
>they communicate harmoniously so as to act together constructively.
Crow: Have you heard of something called "the telephone"?
>We live in a real, practical world,
Mike: Sure, rub it in that you're back on Earth.
> often involving unnecessary
>violence. Some 33 years ago, The Longevity Foundation was formed with
>the idealistic mission to promote research in human survival,
Crow: Hey! I called dibs on deciding who lives and who dies!
> now
>realized to be broadly dependent on the health of all life forms,
>as well as the planet Earth itself.
Tom: I'm getting more sympathetic to alt.destroy-the-earth.
> Some 12 years ago, the powerful
>methodology, GIST
Crow: You're not fully clean unless you're GIST-fully clean!
> (Guided Inquiry System Technique), a balance of
>analysis and intuition, was applied by the U.S. National Aeronautics
>and Space Administration (NASA) to organize the first entry of plant
>life
Tom: [falsetto] What are you, plant life?
> into deep, outer space.
Mike: Being in deep outer space is overrated. Trust me on this one.
>
>With Xanim's substantial relation to The Greatest All,
Crow: [George Burns voice] Yeah, we're related on his uncle's side
of the family.
> he immediately
Mike: Got all his parking tickets fixed.
>perceived the abundant benefits of joining these two, the goodwill of
>Longevity and the practical power of GIST,
Crow: You've got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
Tom: You've got your peanut butter in my chocolate!
> and he brought them together
>in the soul of Accord Services, Inc.,
Mike: Corporations have souls?
Crow: I guess this means Operation Rescue will be picketing all
Chapter 11 proceedings from now on.
> managed as such not only for profit
Tom: Have the stockholders heard about that?
>but also for the common good which naturally results (half the profits
>will go the Foundation).
Crow: The other half will go into my Swiss bank account.
> Accord then created the Brimbler Mind System
>(BMS),
Tom: Not to be confused with PMS.
Mike: Sounds more like just BS.
> which enables the Brimbler, assisted through GIST to
Tom: Invent thousands of confusing new words and acronyms.
> make use of
>both the left and the right brain,
Mike: [drill sergeant voice] Left! Right! Left! Right!
> to correlate, generate, develop, and
All: Brimbleate!
>document new ideas.
>
>BMS, as further discussed in Brimbler GIST Tips (BGT), is suitable
>both for individual and collaborative use. Its major advantages are
>that it is self-organizing,
Tom: I wish this *post* was self-organizing.
> parallel, distributed, and scalable.
>Collaboration may be through informal e-mail,
Mike: I didn't know there was such a thing as *formal* e-mail....
> phone call, meeting, or
>formal local/wide-area networks.
Tom: Geez, this guy is so more hung up on formality than Emily Post!
> Decision may be made to transfer
>information from one level to another, further subdivide for future
>correlation, revise for more accurate definition, or assign specific
>responsibilities to others.
Crow: So when things screw up, they take the fall!
> On selecting an issue for consideration,
>the first step is to provide a small number of rubrics (terms),
>preferably four.
Mike: I used to be able to keep track of five, but that was before
the accident with the power saw.
> One may rely on a previously created BMS template or
>begin anew. For example, we have the "Four Freedoms" of speech,
Tom: How about the freedom to *not listen* to this guy's speech?
> of
>religion,
Crow: As long as your church is BATF Approved.
> from want,
Tom: What I *want* is to get out of here!
> and from fear,
Mike: ["Ghostbusters" soundtrack voice] I ain't 'fraid o' no ghost!
> included in the United Nations
>Universal Declaration
Tom: It's supposed to cover the whole universe? Isn't that pretty
presumptuous?
> of Human Rights,
Tom, Crow: [angrily] Hey!
Mike: I don't think they meant anything negative by that name....
> but they are taken, for the
>most part, as ideals, meriting no more than lip-service.
Tom: The United Nations only gets lip-service? I am shocked,
*shocked*, to hear of such a thing!
> BMS, in
>correspondence with the worthy goals of The Longevity Foundation,
>provides the means to take these freedoms seriously and use them to
>resolve matters of worldly significance.
>
>In summary, BMS provides the following:
>
> a) information structured into patterns, appropriately
> proportioned to minimize confusion
Tom: This guy talking about how to "minimize confusion" is like
Dan Rostenkowski talking about how to clean up Congress.
> and maximize comprehension;
>
> b) overall perspective such that a single idea does not dominate
> at expense of others equally as pertinent;
Crow: [sarcastic] Yeah, like this guy would know a pertinent idea
if it bit him!
>
> c) collective, associative collaboration between system and mind,
> as well as among diverse Brimblers;
>
> d) intuitive navigation
Mike: My intuition tells me this guy is totally lost....
> through natural, conscious and
> synchronistic, subconscious aspects toward achievement of
> worthwhile, innovative
Tom: Buzzwords.
> results.
>
>As a first step in what some, pessimistic or unknowing, will appraise
>as a most ambitious, grandiose process, we are establishing a Brimbler
>Brain Base (BBB)
Crow: You sure "BBB" doesn't stand for "BB Brain"?
> from "knowledge" of those with the intelligence and
>goodwill to respond to our initial Calls For Participation. Remember,
>however, that it is both intelligence AND goodwill which are required.
Tom: Not to mention gullibility.
>Brimblers must take an oath
Mike: In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape
my sight....
> not to use the glorious capability herein
Crow: Then what's the point?!
>developed for any evil, destructive, violent end.
Crow: I repeat, what's the point?!?
> What we need from you
>is
Tom: [low and menacing] Your IMMORTAL SOUL! HaHaHaHaHa!!
> a commitment to proceed with us seriously as much as you are able, in
>good humor, of course, and without neglecting your health and family
>responsibilities. Sit down now, take a walk, if you like,
Crow: Good idea!
[Tom and Crow get up to leave.]
Mike: Sit down, guys, he didn't mean you.
[Tom and Crow sit down.]
but think
>about how to describe what you can contribute, knowledge-wise, in four
>topics suitable for inclusion in our BBB index.
>
>It is planned that we will have, as necessary, all the paraphernalia of
>the Internet, including
Crow: Flamers, spammers, clueless newbies,...
> formal mailing lists, newsgroups, bulletin
>boards. Longevity participants have access to diverse others of their
>Brimbler ilk through the BBB. They will receive Brimbler GIST Tips
>(free)
Mike: [street punk voice] Hey, kid! The first hit's free!
> and get discounts
Tom: From our absurdly inflated base prices.
> on helpful Omega Publications
Crow: Which are to literature what "The Omega Man" is to film.
> (including The
>Greatest All) and Accord Thinkware (including SuperGIST Software).
>Neither of the latter is necessary for BBB participation.
>
>Nor are donations to the Foundation required,
All: [skeptical] Mm-hmm...
> but they are welcome, with
>donors receiving the planned monthly Longevity Newsletter, updating and
>summarizing our worthwhile activities. Foundation goals may be stated as:
Mike: Make.Money.Fast
>
> Express creative Intelligence through Imagination.
> Experience effective Progress through Truth.
> Exercise sensitive Morality through Love.
> Exhibit decisive Perseverance through Will.
>
>What we really would like is your "brain" broken down
Crow: Like this author's, which broke down years ago.
> into just four
>arenas of mental expertise.
Mike: Break down all mental expertise into four areas. Sounds easy
enough.
> Now, maybe that can't be done, which is OK.
Tom: Maybe your brain only has two or three functioning cells.
Crow: Or none at all, like this guy.
>Then, let's take something important to you,
Tom: Booze and babes!
> and you break that down
>into four arenas wherein you might contribute. We can give you another
>four later, associated with another part of you.
Crow: Build your very own Brimble Brain on the installment plan!
> But, in any event,
>let's try to take one entity and present it "analytically", i.e., so
>it's "all" there,
Mike: That line is just *too* easy.
> as far as your contribution is concerned, broken down
>into four. GIST works best, both individually and interactively, if we
>start out with four rubrics (arenas). When we have such "analyses" from
>the numerous responding individuals, we can proceed to the next step,
>including further discussion/explanation of newsletter and software
>interactive benefits. Not only will the interactions be worthwhile,
>leading mayhap to innovation; they will be fun besides.
>
>As specific examples of rubric selection, a United Nations staff member
>contributed:
>
> The United Nations
Tom: [sarcastic] Oooh, that's *really* creative!
> information technology
> social futures
Mike: I hear social futures have been taking a beating on Wall Street
lately.
> organizational change
Crow: Could you be a little more vague?
>
>a 13-year-old girl set forth:
>
> astrophysics
> computer science
> mathematics
> higher dimensions
Tom: [Rod Serling voice] You are entering a higher dimension... where
common sense and logic have no meaning. You are entering... THE
BRIMBLE ZONE!
>
>a young sales manager chose:
>
> sales/marketing
> masonry
Mike: Is it true that they make you write stupid four-item lists as
part of the initiation?
> motorcycling
> board games
>
>a management consultant gave us:
>
> work processes
> behavior patterns
> photography
> politics
Crow: What does photography have to do with politics?
Mike: Ask Gary Hart.
>
>We must get people thinking together productively, not fighting
>destructively. I hope that I have gotten it over to you.
All: No.
> Please
>send me your four topics through e-mail (xa...@blkbox.com).
Tom: Cluelessness, Spam, Net.Kooks, and Bandwaste.
Mike: Make.Money.Fast, Green Cards, Thigh Cream, and Brimble.
Crow: Barnum, Ponzi, Keating, and Xanim.
>
>Xanim
>
[OUTGOING DOOR SEQUENCE]
[SOL -- Mike is pulling things out of the drawer where he got the fire
extinguisher. Tom Servo enters from stage right.]
Tom: What are you looking for?
Mike: The reloads for this fire extinguisher -- aha!
[Mike pulls out several reload foam canisters. He then loads them into
Gypsy's mouth to send them down the Umbilicus.]
[INCOMING CALL LIGHT FLASHES. Mike hits the incoming call button.]
[DEEP 13 -- Same scene of smoking pipes, cigars, and cigarettes.]
Dr F: Feeling any ill effects, labrat?
Mike: Just annoyance.
Dr F: Annoyance is irrelevant. We're going to assimilate those Tobacco
Institute funds with this experiment.
Mike: Speaking of ill effects, do these fire extinguishers damage electronic
equipment?
Dr F: Why, no -- why do you ask?
[At this moment, the fire extinguisher canisters reach the Deep 13 end of
the Umbilicus, strike the fan, and spew extinguisher foam all over
everything.]
Mike: Oh, just general future reference.
[Dr Forrester and TV's Frank now look like snowmen; the various tobacco
products are extinguished.]
Dr F: Well, since our contract said that the experiment would last until
our stock of supplies was used up, which just happened, I get paid anyway,
so I'll let this one pass. Push the button, Frank.
[FADE OUT]
Frank: [voiceover] You know, this foam tastes a little like banana cream....
Dr F: [voiceover] Don't even *think* it!
MiSTing by Steve Brinich
\ | /
\ | / Mystery Science Theater 3000 and associated characters
\|/ are trademark and copyright 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. and
----O---- used without permission for satirical purposes only.
/|\
/ | \ This post is not intended as a personal attack upon
/ | \ the original author, and is meant only as entertainment
and commentary on the content of the original post.
--
Steve Brinich | If the government wants us to respect the law, |
<ste...@access.digex.net> | it should set a better example. |
PGPrint (finger for key) 89 B9 92 BB E6 7F 7B 2F 64 FD F2 EA 14 37 4C 65