[MSTing] seaQuest 2047: Crossover pt 1
Zach 'DStalker' Wilson
This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
--------------310267E5730AFC87B421C368
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
This is very, very, bad.. The simple fact that it's seaQuest alone makes
it bad, but then they try and make it funny by ripping off every single
thing in existance.. (Mostly 70's Saturday Night Live) It's a horrible
horrible mess, and it's long too.. Oh, and the short is really bad too..
I say, worse than any thing Ratliff ever made.. (With the possible
exception of "Time Speeder") Read it at your own risk.
--------------310267E5730AFC87B421C368
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1; name="mst-cross1.txt"
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit
Content-Disposition: inline; filename="mst-cross1.txt"
MSTing by 'DStalker'
ro_...@hotmail.com
htpp://sqx.simplenet.com/mstings
The short was cleaned up with *'s to prevent paranoid parents from blocking my site.
Make sure you can see this line for full enjoyment, it saves useless scrolling. Enjoy, I hope.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(SOL)
MIKE: High everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love, well, things have really got quiet here
all of a sudden, and I'm kindof worried.. Usually when that happens, something explodes.
So I'm on my guard... (Crow suddenly runs screaming behind Mike) Told you so. (Then Servo
runs behind Mike with a large weapon of some kind)
TOM: I'll get you! You wont get away from me ET!
MIKE: (Turning head and staring) Huh, well, Servo there has been playing some of those violent
games on that new fangled Nintendo thing... What was the name of that game again?
TOM: (Pops head back on screen) Oh, that, DOOM 64, and Hexen 64, now I have some arse to roast!
MIKE: Well, personally, I've never got beyond the good stuff, the first Super Mario Brothers..
CROW: Mike help me out here! (runs behind Mike the other way. with Servo following)
MIKE: Pac Man.. Now that was a good game... Then they came out with that whole Zelda thing...
CROW: Mike I can really AHHH!! (a flash is seen off screen)
MIKE: I used to pump tons of quarters into that Pac-Man game... I think it was rigged..
TOM: Die! Die! Die! (Crow runs behind Mike with a huge hole in his beak, Servo runs by and
shoots flames in Crow's direction. Crow screams, and Servo charges forward.)
MIKE: We'll be right back.. That guy who gave the quarters was a jerk...
(Commercials for physics here)
MIKE: Ms Pac-man... Now that was a good game.. That guy who handed out the quarters had a thing
against me... He mocks me in my dreams...
CROW: Hey Mike? Could you patch me up soon? (Crow is on fire and full of holes...) And maybe
get Servo to apologize!?
TOM: Sorry, you just look like an imp...
CROW: That's no excuse to blow me to itty-bitty pieces!
TOM: Oh yes it is!
CROW: Oh no it isn't!
TOM: Oh yes it is!
CROW: Oh no it is- (mad light) Oh, TV's Fish is calling. Mike?
MIKE: Oh yeah... Ms Pac-Man....
(D13)
DR F: Hello Mike. I'm giddy as a school girl today! Do you want to know why?
(SOL)
MIKE: What was that? I'm trying to get beyond that school girl thing..
(D13)
DR F: Because I finally have the thing that is going to finish you guys!
(SOL)
TOM: Ed Wood?
CROW: Colman Francis?
MIKE: John Agar?
TOM: Clare Mosely?
CROW: Ratliff?
MIKE: Tracy Ullman?
CROW: Bert I- What?
MIKE: I've never found her funny...
(D13)
DR F: None of the above... It's nobody you've ever heard of, but a name that will live in
infamy... Oh, it's an attempt at parody with a Mosely-esqe short at the beginning...
Chew on that Percy!
(SOL)
MIKE: Be afraid, be very afraid. (movie sign)
TOM: We've got movie sign!!! (flames shoot out his gun frying Crow some more)
CROW: AHHHH!!
*.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5..
(They enter the theater, Servo still has his gun.)
MIKE: Why don't you put that thing away?
TOM: Alright... Sorry about that Crow.. Nerves...
>The Legacy Concert, 1/?
CROW: He's not sure... We're in trouble.
>
>By Jaymz Grey
>
>
>
>Disclaimer and misc. info: Generation-X, and other X characters are 100% the property of Marvel
>entertainment inc. Except for Warbird and Firebird who are MINE you hear me they are MINE!
MIKE: We hear you, we just don't believe you..
> Ok
>Metallic, and other bands appearing in this fanfic are
TOM: The crappiest plot device in all of existence..
> NOT mine but belong to their respective
>members or the estates there of. As is with songs in which may be sung, played, mentioned, and
>bashed in this fanfic by ME but I digress the belong to the band/artists who wrote, played and
>produced the song.
CROW: That deserves a big fat duh.
> Wow that's the disclaimer for this I hope it's enough! Even though I'm a
>poor broke guy so don't waste your time on suing me cuz you can't get blood from a rock BUB!
MIKE: A poor attempt at being Canadian... We're in deep guano here guys...
>
>For the info Warbird/Firebird aka Jaymz Grey and Jessica Grey (AKA MINE!)
TOM: AKA The Pantless Peddler.
CROW: The writer learned character naming at the "Mina Skywalker Academy"
> are twins created by
>some brains that came up with the Weapon-X project but run by James and Heather Hudson (But
>that's another story eh!).
MIKE: He has ruined any at this being remotely good in four lines... Great.
> (refer to Logan and Victor Creed for more info) Grown from a cloned
>egg of Jean "Phoenix" Grey Summers (Could someone help me here?)
CROW: Here's an idea, don't write anymore..
> and a sample of semen from
>Logan while he was in the Weapon-X program
TOM: "A Boy's Life: Reproduction, and You"
MIKE: I feel like I should get a disclaimer from my parents for this...
> (Not even Logan knows everything that happened back
>then). Which gave him an Adamanitium bonded bones and claws which was later removed very
>painfully by Magneto who is now Joseph (AKA Joeneto).
MIKE: Joeneto? Is that one of those funky urban names?
> After escaping from their captors they
>managed to get to the happy confines of the Xavier's school for gifted youngsters in Snow
>Valley, MA.
CROW: They're is more useless info packed into each sentence of this, as there is in all of
the Discovery Channel...
> When the arrived there they didn't have real names save for the code names the
>Weapon-X people gave them. To make a long story short they took names similar to Luke and Leia
>in "Star Wars" but Jaymz and Jessica
TOM: So how is that similar? Is there some sort of strange logic behind this?
MIKE: Yeah, it's called caffeine.
> and took their mothers maiden name because Jubilee got to
>them and told them all about Scott. After hearing about him they said that no way they wanted
>to be a Summers!
MIKE: They had winter complexions...
> Jaymz took his name after James Hetfield guitarist and vocalist for Metallicaa
>whom a worker let him hear while he was at the project.
CROW: Well I can- HUH?
> During the project the twins
>controllers taught them a lot of different things from fixing weapons to playing musical
>instruments and other things to help them to blend into the public.
TOM: But they failed parallel parking and were sent back to the clone banks..
> Jaymz was taught how to
>play the Bass, Lead and Rhythm guitars with a skill better then some of the greatest players of
>those instruments.
MIKE: Oh, that will make him blend in... NOT!
> But before his drum lessons could be completed he escaped with his twin who
>was learning the lead guitar only.
CROW: So the basics about this is that they are cloned assassins that were taught guitar? How
does this make any sense?
> One thing they didn't learn was how to use their mutant
>powers to their full potential. Now at they are members of Generation-X.
>
>Most of the events are based on true events
TOM: And we completely forget about the last paragraph...
> (well sorta)
MIKE: (Writer) I made them up but they are true in my mind!
> the Concert for life in 1992 at
>Wimbley stadium in London, England
CROW: As opposed to London Republic of the Congo..
> which a few bands were invited to play at including
>Metallicaa. (did you notice I like Metallicaa? )
TOM: No, we're thicker than bricks...
> That was gave part of the idea to this. I know
>no story yet hold on! This story is ahh just read it you might like it bub!
MIKE: (Writer) Story, that's what I'm missing...
>
>For those who wish to play Tom, Crow and Mike (OR Joel you pick) for this PLEASE let me know so
>I can get in on the fun K ??
CROW: What the? I feel like he's probing my mind!
TOM: This is freaking me out!
MIKE: Who are you dark writer of death?
>
>And If someone can spot the clichés DON'T let anyone know but If ya do I ll send you a Herring
>and say Nii several times! :->
CROW: I think he's seen about five minutes of that movie once on Comedy Central... Tops.
>
>This FANFIC has been rated PG-13 by me for offensive language (Well MetallicaA swears and so do
>other ppl so) and such but NO SEX (no soup for those ppl who wanted an erotic FANFIC).
TOM: (Soup Nazi) No soup for you!
> Also I'm
>doing this for no money! But if you want to give me a little $ I'll let you know how ok?
MIKE: You want this money? This is the closest you'll ever get to it.. I'm offering this money
as a reward on your head...
> Almost
>done here except a MetallicaA type closing hugz and middle fingerz to all you readers (Thanks
>Jaymz H.)
CROW: For making us laugh at love again..
> <No disrespect from me I bummed it. so blame Jaymz H. for it> and a warm and very
>large metal up your a$$ to any lawyer who wants to sue me! And finally to the FANFIC!
TOM: He does not paint a pretty picture..
>
>Almost forgot all pyschic conversations will be conducted with an * starting and ending what a
>person said. Sorry eh!
MIKE: (Canadian) Oh, yeah, he's a hoser eh... Not!
>
>DOH! I forgot to tell you James Hetfield's name WILL Be spelt correctly and Jaymz Grey will be
>Jaymz sorry.. it's my first FANFIC..
CROW: (Writer) James Hetfield's name will be spelt right, but nothing else will..
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>There's a full moon over the Xavier's school for gifted youngsters this Friday night. It's
>around midnight most of the school is dark except the rec. cottage. In one room there is a big
>screen TV is on with three children who should have been in bed about a few hours ago and a
>large Samoan watching Late Night with David Letterman who is going thorough the mail bag.
TOM: Welcome to 'Run On Sentences 'R' Us'
>
>While in another part of the cottage the remaining members of Generation-X are in a room that
>acts as a practice/recording studio for a few members who have formed a band.
MIKE: Dang meddling kids..
> Out in the
>recording area of studio Sitting down with a yellow and white Fender guitar is Jonothan
>Starsmore who looks like he's lost in his thoughts.
CROW: (Jonothan) Is their anyway I can possibly get out of this fan fic?
> Sitting at a near by Piano looking
>synthesizer is Monet St. Corix and looking very bored.
TOM: Why does Josie and the Pussycats come to mind?
> Over leaning over a flat black bass is
>Everett Thomas who is looking through the glass in to the booth watching his SPECIAL Friend
>Jubalation Lee.
MIKE: He likes to watch....
> Who is chatting with Jason Newsted and Kirk Hammett during this little break in
>the session.
CROW: This guy drops more names than Andrew Cunanun!
> Over by the drum kit is Larz Ulrich who is giving tips to Angelo on not breaking
>drum heads with the assitance of Bob Rock.
TOM: Bob Rock, his sister is Moon, and his little brother in named K..
> Standing up with a redish orange ESP Explorer is
>Jaymz Grey who is talking with his twin sister Jessica Grey, Paige Guthire and James Hetfield.
MIKE: There's too many names... My mind is exploding....
>
>"Hey Paige why don't you go over and talk to Jono?" inquired Jaymz.
CROW: That's the last thing anybody ever said to her..
>
>"Yeah He Does look bored stiff during this break." Added Jessica.
TOM: So hand him a magazine and shutup..
>
>"Nahh I think he wants to be alone." Paige quickly replied.
>
>Then the older man shouts "Hey Jono? Dude get over here so we can talk to ya!".
(chuckles)
MIKE: This one speaks for it self folks..
>
>As Jonothan reaches where the smallcrowd is gathered.
CROW: Smallcrowd (tm) by SPACOM (R) coming to stores soon!
> "Dude what ya thinking about? Ya know we
>gotta have name so we can be put on the list for the concert!" with a slight pause while
>thinking up a lie "*ummh about how a game of pool would be fun? I don't know how about
>something with puppets?*"
TOM: He's thinking this to him self? He's got less processing power than a Apple IIe!
>
>James shot the disfigured young man a look that was a "this is freaky" looks still getting
>used to how he 'talked'.
MIKE: Um... What?
>
>Just then Everett walks up and says "Yeah I feel like a puppet with all the jerking around we
>go through!".
CROW: Oh, yeah, and there's that guy with the strings above every one of us.. And those guys
with their hands up our- I'll stop.
>
>"And 'Master of Puppets' is one of the best you f**kers punched out James, too bad about ya
>know." added
>Jaymz "
TOM: About what? Hello? Reader? We'd like to know..
>
>*Gee why not just say Cliff Jimmy?*" snapped Jessica to her twin mentally who is one of the
>three people he alows to do so.
MIKE: Cliff Jimmy? What the heck are they talking about?
>
>Then Paige shouts "Hey Monet can we have your.." she's intrupted by "*Sorry 'Luv she's in one
>them damn spastic spells again*".
CROW: (Paige) She's having another attack, let's just wait awhile, maybe she'll die...
MIKE: Crow!
CROW: I was just impersonating what they are acting like..
>Then as if by magic "I got it how about 'spastic puppets'?"
TOM: Epileptic puppets.. That would be a site to see..
> exclaimed Paige just as Jubilee is
>heard shouting "Penny!" just as a redhead with ice blue eyes was about to just about to give a
>big hug to Jaymz from behind.
MIKE: I think from now on, the word 'just' should be banned from the english language..
>
>Just in the blink of an eye Jaymz gives his girlfriend as small kiss and says "Hey how as your
>swim?"
CROW: I think this is one of those things where you have to figure out which word doesn't belong
or something..
> Feeling her still damp red hair. "You know the answer, Jimmy!" replied Penny. Paige
>still couldn't get over the change in her friend it wasn't two years ago when she first met
>Penny who at the time had diamond hard skin and hair that was red and didn't speak a word.
TOM: Turns out she was shy, and that shell was taken literally with her..
> But
>that was before Jaymz had arrived to the school started spending time with the other mutant
>trying to get her to talk and succeeding where others failed starting a relationship that is
>still growing today.
MIKE: I can't comment, I'm too busy trying to figure out what he just said!
>
>Over the Pa "Hey guys I bet Miz Perfect is gonna be zoned out for a hour or so. Like how about
>we'll go to the 'sphere and go for a swim?"
CROW: "The Sphere" staring Dustin Hoffman , coming Christmas the theaters everywhere.
> Jubalee said while puncating with cracks of her
>ever present gum. "we better leave her a note." added Penny "Hey kid don't crack your gum over
>the pa it might blow out the speakers!"
TOM: I think that the writer should go through third grade again... You start a new paragraph
when people speak 'bub'!
> shouted Bob Rock who looked slighty anoyed that his
>friends talked him into helping them with this getting this band ready for a big concert that
>was being put on by the bands school, Frost Enterprises,
MIKE: Interesting School name...
CROW: It's right next to DuPont and ADM.. And around the bend is Disney.
> and a few recording companies to help
>fight the Legacy Virus which is as deadly as or deadlier then HIV and AIDS.
TOM: It also included high fructose corn syrup and/or sugar.
> This concert
>was going to be twice as big as the Concert For Life that was held in 1992 in London, England.
>It is going to be on Pay Per View, MTV, VH1, Fox, HBO, and the internet.
MIKE: This guy has absolutely no grasp of how the media works...
> The plans that are
>going through the final stages is that it will have about 60 artists and bands including a band
>from the school and at that bands request to open for some of it's members favorite band
>MetallicaA.
CROW: When you have 60 bands at one place, open doesn't have the right sound to it..
> It was 3 months ago when they talked him into doing this instead of a Motley Crue
>album. Now this band was packing things up and were quiting for now to go take a swim because
>the young lady that they called M or Monet was having a so called spastic spells that she had
>alot of.
TOM: Oh, yeah, those happen everyday...
> "Hey dude do ya have anymore of that Coors Light Dude?" asked Jaymz "I think so but
>your underage and stuff." Replied Larz "Dude I don't get drunk like you guys remember?"
MIKE: What is he a silicon based life form or something?
>Retorted Jaymz hinting at his mutant gift. "Yeah Dude get some it'll only take a minate!"
CROW: While personally, not a beer drinker, do you think somebody would drink that stuff if
they didn't get intoxicated?
>bellowed James.
TOM: This guy must have a thesaurus right at his side...
> As this was happening Mondo took his young friends to their room and
>put them to bed cause it was 2 o'clock and They had just watched "Strange Brew" on some cable
>show hosted by some Texan(-1-) then he himself went to bed.
MIKE: George Bush hosts the letterbox directors cut of 'Strange Brew' tonight on CNN..
> an hour later the rest of his
>friends also went to bed to either get some rest or to fight the hangover they would have
>in the morning.
>
>End of Part 1/? The Legacy Concert
CROW: Yay!
>
>By Jaymz Grey
>
>NOTES AND OTHER STUFF:
CROW: No!
>
>
>All of the following were and are being used in this story. and here is who owns what.
MIKE: I think it's pretty obvious, not him, not him, not him, and not him.
>
>(-1-) This would be Joe Bob Briggs who currently host MonsterVision on TNT which is owned by
>Turner Broadcasting INC. Yadda Yadda Yadda and Bla Bla Bla.
TOM: AADGKA!
>
>I know Monet has Autism but I didn't want to go into detail so I changed it.
CROW: Oh, yeah, that's something everybody forgets about...
>Coors Light is trademarked and is owned By the Coors Brewing Company.
>AND DOES NOT LIKE HAVING MINORS DRINK but this is JUST A STORY AND NOT REAL K?
MIKE: Did the thought ever occur to you that they.. might like having minors drink? It makes
(note: the rest of this speech censored by the Coors Brewing Co. )
Money is money right? (thank you for your patience.. This was not really censored, btw)
>All Broadcasting Services mentioned are the property of their parent companies.
>The Movie Strange Brew belongs to the following The Writers of it, the studio and the current
>holder of the rights to make prints of it eh!
TOM: I have a feeling he's whatched Strange Brew waaaaaay to many times.
>
>Late Night with David Letterman is owned by CBS and David Letterman's production company.
>ESP Explorer belongs to ESP Guitars INC. and ESP Brand guitars are the OFFICIAL GUITAR of
>MetallicaA The paint job for Jamyz Grey's guitar was inspired by "The General Lee" from "The
>Dukes of Hazard" which I'm not sure who owns right now but they show reruns on The Nashville
>Network and whom ever owns that.
CROW: You learn something everyday, even if we didn't care..
>
>The event sorta mentioned by Jaymz Grey is the bus accident that took the life of Bassit Cliff
>Burton on 9-27-86 in the early morning of that day on a road to Copenhagen Sweden.
MIKE: Cliff Jimmy now makes a little bit on sense..
>
>MetallicaA belongs to the following persons James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich,Kirk Hammett, Jason
>Newsted, and Cliff Burton.
>
>The bands name comes from Spastic Children and the fact that I'm using these charectors like
>puppets.
TOM: He said it, not us folks.
> Spastic Children is a joke band made by James Hetfiled, CLiff Burton, Kirk Hammet and
>some other guy and MetallicaA's third album and final one with Cliff Burton "Master of Puppets".
>
>James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich, Kirk Hammett, Jason Newsted, and Bob Rock ARE REAL LIVE people who
>appear without their knowledge unless Lars started to read FanFics while he's lurking..
>
> To Jaymz Grey's hobby page
> On To Part Two of The Legacy Concert
> Coming soon Part two and the rest of the story..
> small spoilers here
> Part 2 will BE longer much longer!
> Watch out for HB88 to appear!
> And the possilbilty of using MIDI for the songs?
CROW: HB88, C3PO's cousin..
(note, this is a transcript of a html file, hence the mention of midis..)
>
>
>
MIKE: Nothing can possible be worse than that..
TOM: Don't speak to soon, the feature is about to start.
>
>
>
>
>seaQuest 2047
>"Crossover"
>Story by Ray Stilwell & Victoria Morgan Hyde
TOM:Ray Stilwell & Misses Hyde!
>Script by Ray Stilwell
>Thursday, November 14, 1996
>Second Draft
MIKE: That means that it will be spell checked, hopefully.
>
>Based on "seaQuest DSV" and "seaQuest 2032".
CROW: We're doomed.
>
>_The Four Disclaimers_
TOM: Of the Apocalypse..
>
>(1) This is a work of fiction. (Uh-DUH!) Any resemblance to actual
>persons or events, living or dead (and if there's one thing we hate
>it's a dead event)
MIKE: Yeah, I had my birthday die on me, it was sad..
> is entirely coincidental, except in the instances
>where everybody will be able to tell it was intentional. And _they_
>are all public figures so there's nothing they can do about it. Nyah
>nyah nyah.
CROW: Yeah Dr. Katz, yeah.
>
>(2) This is also a work of spoof. Everything was fair game and
>consequently shot at in the spirit of flattering by imitation and of
>good clean fun.
TOM: You can't get much cleaner than Soap, and that was a dirty show..
> Nobody is expected to "get" every reference in this
>episode, but our intention was for everybody to "get" a good deal of
>it.
MIKE: Oh, now I get it..
>
>(3) The very serious scientists at CPSI, those wild and crazy guys
>who took away your movie popcorn, Chinese food and date nights at
>Fridays,
CROW: (Fentruck) I am a wild and crazy guy!
> have now identified spit-takes as the next major public
>health concern involving the having of fun. Accordingly, to avoid a
>major boycott of our site, we must warn against the consumption of
>food and beverages during the reading of this episode.
TOM: You might barf on your self if you read further..
> The authors
>assume no responsibility for tracheotomies or any damage to
>keyboards, monitors or carpets caused by any failure to heed this
>warning. (Red soda is flat out.)
MIKE: So are your jokes.
> We would also avoid the operation of
>heavy machinery or nuclear submarines for several hours after
>finishing.
CROW: So this is the coughy, achy, sneezy, I can't believe I started WW3 fan fic..
>
>(4) All opinions expressed in "Crossover" are well-reasoned and
>insightful.
TOM: We can only hope.. Is it me, or do both of these have really long disclaimers?
> Needless to say, they are not those of the 2047 producers
>or staff at large, the UEO, NBC, MCA, mgl.ca, Geocities, the
>International House of Radio, or any of their members, affiliates or
>lackeys. Anyone who says otherwise is itching for a fight.
MIKE: (Wayne) Pilgrim.
>
>The authors wish to offer their heartfelt thanks (and apologies
>where appropriate) to the many creative talents whose original or
>derivative works are drawn upon in this script, but particularly to:
TOM: Drawn upon... That's Hollywood for stolen..
>Rachel Brody and Melissa Beattie, whose own venture into parallelism
>was a major inspiration; and Tim Johnson, whose usenet posting of
>"Star Trek: the series that never was" made Act Three a better place
>to be.
CROW: We can only hope.
>
>TEASER
MIKE: Teaser, coming this fall to CBS, right before Cracker and after Walker...
>
>OPEN ON REC ROOM
TOM: The rec room opened, the water filled in, they all drowned and the fan fic ended..
>
>Ensign Rebecca Trueman and Chief Petty Officer Sara Percell are
>seated next to each other. Before settling on the two of them, a slow
>pan across the room reveals some non-coms playing chess,
CROW: Non-coms are seaQuest's version of the red shirt.
> reading the
>_Sports Illustrated_ wetsuit issue ("Rubber on the Reef!")
MIKE: Apparently Sports Illustrated has stopped going towards the wide audience and has
decided to cater to fetishists...
> and the
>UEO Gazette ("NAVY CAPTAIN CLAIMS: ALIENS ABDUCTED ME!!!"), and
>having a quiet but animated discussion of issues of the day.
TOM: (Canadian) Oh, ya, how that durn weather, it's been real controlled...
> Trueman
>is focused on a computer screen, while Percell is wearing a virtual
>reality visor connected to another terminal, tilting her head to and
>fro and humming a recognizable (and public-domain) song identified
>with a '70s or '80s movie or TV show.
CROW: It was identified with it, but didn't actually appear in the show..
>
>TRUEMAN
>(to Percell, mock-annoyed but with a smile)
>Do you _mind_?!
MIKE: Well, at least it's spell checked..
>
>PERCELL
>(mildly embarrassed)
>Ummm... sorry. You get so into these things, you forget you're really
>someplace else.
TOM: But when your going someplace else, your forgetting that you are where you are which is
someplace else when your at that other someplace.
>
>TRUEMAN
>(curious)
>Why are you down here, anyway? I thought you had thousands of movies
>in your quarters.
CROW: I hope they don't dive any farther with this..
>
>PERCELL
>Four thousand and six, but who's counting?
>(beat)
>No, those disks don't work with the new VR programming.
MIKE: It took until 2047 to get VR? Actually, I'm not surprised..
>
>TRUEMAN
>You're almost as bad as Justin, with all those high-end audio toys
>he's always talking about.
TOM: Audio mean they vi-(Mike shuts his mouth)
>(beat, thinking about it)
>Wait a minute. How does the VR work with movies?
CROW: (Percell) It uses something called the Star Trek In-Plausibility Device..
>
>PERCELL
>It's brand new technology. Holomation is nice, but these are
>completely interactive.
MIKE: (Trueman) Well, would you mind answering my question?
>
>She hands Trueman a couple of the disks.
TOM: And a magnet.
>
>PERCELL
>(continues)
>The programmers have written hundreds of variations for each script--
>you pick the disk you want, select one of their starting points _if_
>you want, put on the helmet, and
MIKE: So it's like one of those books that ask you to switch pages allot..
>(in a television announcer voice)
>_you are there_.
CROW: The guys in Attack of the the Eye Creatures have nothing on this guy..
>
>Trueman looks the disks over carefully.
TOM: (Trueman) Why are they on 8-track?
>
>TRUEMAN
>(skeptically)
>But these are _old_. Why are they mixing this state-of-the-art
>stuff with movies and TV shows from the '80s?
MIKE: Because the writers were on a nostalgia kick.
>
>PERCELL
>(trying to be patient)
>It's the damn lawyers. EWS owns the copyright on just about
>everything, and the licensing fees for adapting anything from the
>past fifty years are staggering. So UEO went with just the material
>that's out of copyright.
CROW: So the most powerful military on earth is busy copying old copies of Miami Vice instead of
say fighting a war or something...
TOM: This is the same military that forgets to capitalize their flagship....
>(beat)
>You want to try it when I'm done?
MIKE: (Percell) Try it, you'll like it..
>
>TRUEMAN
>(shrugging)
>Maybe later. I've been going back in time myself over here, looking
>over some old logs from the _4600II_.
TOM: She's going to look why she died on the 23rd level of Pac-Man..
>(pauses, looks at screen)
>Ver-ry inn-teresting, some of this.
MIKE: First drowsiness, now slurred speech, this thing runs the full gauntlet.
>(beat)
>It makes you wonder if we're just doomed to repeat history because
>we didn't learn enough of it the first time.
CROW: Do you ever get deja vu Mike?
MIKE: Huh? What?
CROW: Do you ever get deja vu Mike?
MIKE: Huh? What?
>
>PERCELL
>(wryly)
>I know what you mean. If I get caught singing once more on the
>bridge, _I_'m gonna be doomed to--
TOM: Doh!
>
>TRUEMAN
>(cutting her off, intent on her monitor)
>_What_ the hell is _this_?
MIKE: It's a monitor... SVGA?
>
>Percell disconnects the headset and starts reading over Trueman's
>shoulder.
CROW: I hate in when people do that..
>
>CUT TO MESS HALL
TOM: Boy it's quite a mess in here! Thank you and good night!
>
>Captain Lucas Wolenczak is seated alone at a table for four.
MIKE: Sidekicks really ruined his career..
> Trueman
>walks in, happily, but cautiously.
CROW: (Trueman) If I don't make any sudden movements or bare my teeth, I should be fine..
>
>TRUEMAN
>(hesitantly)
>Captain, permission to speak freely?
TOM: Apparently ships are communist.
>
>Wolenczak pushes his tray aside and indicates a chair.
MIKE: He's a mime!
>
>WOLENCZAK
>Of course, Ensign.
>
>TRUEMAN
>(unsure about where to start)
>Well, sir,...it's about...
CROW: (Trueman) What's Vietnam captain?
>
>Wolenczak encourages her.
TOM: (Wolenczak) C'mon.. Is this your first time?
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(reassuringly)
>Whatever it is, Ensign, you were right to come to me. No questions
>asked--
MIKE: Even in the future, it's don't ask don't tell..
>
>TRUEMAN
>(seizing the opportunity)
CROW: She then strangled and beat it, taking lots of poetic license..
>Okay. I've been doing some historical research on the last
>_seaQuest_, and I came across some very interesting references about
>some...black hole formations...
TOM: (Trueman) That were billions, and billions, and billions of miles away...
> and I think you might know more about
>them than the records are saying.
MIKE: (Wolenczak) Can I help it if ConFed blanks my data?
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(caught off-guard; he wasn't expecting _this_)
>There's a reason for that, Ensign.
CROW: (Wolenczak) It was sucked into a black hole..
>(beat)
>I know I gave you permission to speak freely, but I think we'd better
>finish this discussion in private.
TOM: (Wolenczak) Motel 8, third room from the pool...
>
>As they make their way to the door, we...
>
>CUT TO REC ROOM
MIKE: There is only so many jokes you can make about those..
>
>Percell has the visor back on, not singing this time, but laughing a
>couple of times and making some distinct "arr arr arr" noises.
CROW: He's having a heart attack! And it's funny!
>Lieutenant Commander Greg Callan enters holding a PAL in his hand,
TOM: PAL, the robot friend.
>looking partly confused, partly distressed. He taps Percell on the
>shoulder, who jolts, then removes the visor.
MIKE: Then Surges and Mountain Dews.
>
>CALLAN
>Good stuff?
CROW: (Percell) Whoa, man... This is good stuff man... I want a lava lamp...
>
>PERCELL
>(enthusiastically)
>Nineties tv show. Get this--they've got this guy, who's so clumsy he
>couldn't fix a sandwich, and he does a fix-it show on television!
TOM: (Callan) The New Yankee Workshop?
>And he's got this neighbor who's always hiding behind a fence,
>and...
MIKE: (Percell) He kills him and chops him up to bits, it's hilarious!
>
>Callan isn't really interested. He's got his own problems.
>
>CALLAN
>...Um, I guess you had to be there. Have you seen Ensign Trueman?
CROW: (Percell) She's with Lieutenant Fakeman.
>She only went off duty half an hour ago, and they said she came
>straight down here.
TOM: (Percell) Then she started zig-zagging down here..
>PERCELL
>(reserved, but short of evasive)
>Uh, yeah, she... I think she had to go find the captain.
>(beat)
>Some personal matter.
MIKE: She's beating the captain?
>
>CALLAN
>Oh.
>(gazes at terminal Trueman had been using)
CROW: Hadly.
MIKE: Hadly.
>It looks like she's planning on coming back down here, so can you
>have her--
>(pauses, not sure how to say this)
TOM: I'm guessing this sentence is going to give it a PG-13 rating..
>--I guess come see me down in engineering--unless I've got these
>stupid things fixed before she gets back.
TOM: Never mind.
>
>He whacks at PAL in his palm, producing an unpleasant sequence of
>beeps and squeals not unlike the sound of a somewhat older
>"handlink" device.
MIKE: Or one of those Japanese electronic pet things..
>
>CALLAN
>(continuing)
>Geez, with the amount of memory allocated to these things, you'd
>think they could run forever, rub their heads and pat their stomachs
>all at the same time.
CROW: You can hear an audible thud everytime somebody tries to make a joke.
>(beat)
>Just tell her I'm trying to get the PALs back up as soon as I can.
TOM: (Scottish) Most of the wee ones are flat drunk, but they might get better in the morn..
>(Starts to exit, then...)
>Oh, and can you ask her if she's heard anything from my wife? It's
>been days.
MIKE: Days turned into months, winter turned into fall and they ate Robin's minstrels..
>
>PERCELL
>(rolling eyes)
>Aye aye, Husband!
(groans)
>
>CUT TO COMMERCIAL
>
>END TEASER
CROW: Let's get out of here..
MIKE: Yeah, why not?
5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. *..
(SOL)
CROW: Well, after all that time watching bad movies, and now reading bad fan fictions I have
only one observation..
MIKE: What?
CROW: Everybody on the net is a much worse writer!
TOM: Have to agree with you there...
MIKE: Well, you have to think that the net is full of people that can't get written publicly..
CROW: Or make any money on it.
MIKE: And thus decide to post it on the net...
TOM: Why does Dr F have to be a computer geek?
CROW: Actually, I think that's how this whole thing started. (movie sign)
TOM: Movie sign!!
*.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5..
>
>ACT ONE
>
>OPEN ON WOLENCZAK'S OFFICE
CROW: Slit is open and poor out it's guys, then deep fry..
>
>Wolenczak is at his desk; Trueman is seated across from him. The
>discussion is clearly in progress and Trueman is losing the battle.
MIKE: They can take our wives! But they'll never take our freedom!
>
>TRUEMAN
>But, Sir....
TOM: (Wolenczak) Shutlz!
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(firmly)
>I'm sorry, Ensign, but there are rules and procedures and chains of
>command, and at the moment you are flat-out on the bottom.
CROW: (Trueman) So is your...
MIKE: That's enough.
>(beat)
>I can't tell you any more than I already have, and I can't allow you to
>pursue this any further.
TOM: (Wolenczak) I can't allow you to pursue your lunch any further either.
>
>TRUEMAN
>(objecting)
>But the potential...it's limitless!
MIKE: (Trueman) But it is structured with boundaries..
>
>WOLENCZAK
>So is the potential for trouble and abuse. Trust me. I was _there_
>the last time.
CROW: (Wolenczak) No, wait, I wasn't, that was somebody else.. They got their bum boiled they
did.
>
>He pauses, clearly recalling something dangerous.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(continues)
>I have to ask you to drop this inquiry. And I also need to know how you
>even found out about the project.
TOM: (Trueman) It was in a file called 'Top Secret'... C'mon! I had to!
>
>TRUEMAN
>I just stumbled onto the logs when I was...
MIKE: Viciously attacked by President Lincoln, who wanted it back..
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(suspiciously)
>Stumbled? Or do you mean searched for?
CROW: Well, WebCrawler can be kindof flighty.
>
>TRUEMAN
>(hurt)
>Please, Captain. You _were_ there, so you know how impossible
>everything was during those years. I can hardly find my way through
>some of those logs without having to reconstruct data.
TOM: Why was she in them in the first place?
>(beat, becoming a little agitated)
>This isn't the first thing I've seen that I would have classified, and
>I've seen menus from the ship's galley that were labeled "top secret"!
MIKE: Turns out it was a list of the seven herbs and spices..
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(grinning)
>Right. The tuna surprise file. There was a reason for that.
CROW: Can anybody else hear that crash? Or is it just me?
>(back to business, turning to a computer console)
>Well, this is one file that _should_ be classified--
MIKE: A computer consul in the main eating place? That is not a good idea.. Ever spill a soda
on a keyboard?
>
>He types a few commands.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(continuing)
>--And now is. Your orders are to stay out of that file, Ensign. Is
>that clear?
TOM: (Trueman) Opaque sir..
>
>TRUEMAN
>(defensive)
>I understand your orders, Captain, and I'll follow them...to the
>letter.
CROW: This fan fic is brought to you by the letter C.. C is for crap, like this.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>Very well. Dismissed.
>
>Trueman exits, keeping a "game face" on until she's out of the room,
TOM: (Trueman) His fly was unzipped during the whole thing, how could he not know?
>then looks down knowingly at one of Percell's disks in her hand--
>"VR2047, Program 8" is printed on the disk label, with "2032-Log ?"
>written in handwriting across it.
MIKE: It also said 'virused' on it, but she chose to ignore that...
>
>CUT TO REC ROOM
>
>Percell is back "online" with the visor on.
CROW: He had been trying to get on AOL for hours...
> Trueman comes in and
>taps her on the shoulder gently. After a bit of a start, she pushes
>some keys to pause the program, but leaves the visor on.
TOM: (Trueman) I'll get back to you Fabio....
>
>PERCELL
>Well?
>
>TRUEMAN
>(excited, but keeping a lid on it)
MIKE: If she's using a McDonalds lid, it's bound to spill out..
>Well, he's not saying much, but we're clearly onto something here.
>
>PERCELL
>Can we go ahead and look into it?
TOM: It's a camera, it's not going to hur- Never mind..
>
>Trueman straddles her chair, leaning on the back as she talks with
>Percell.
CROW: She's taking acting lessons from Demi Moore...
>
>TRUEMAN
>(hesitating, then "finding the words")
>There's...nothing else in the logs that will help us, but...
MIKE: Dang Lucas copyright lawyers...
>(beat, handing the disk back to Percell)
>I think everything we need to know is on here, anyway.
TOM: It's all in the readme file..
>
>Percell hits some keys, switches the disk with the one Trueman now
>hands her, and gazes intently for a few seconds.
CROW: I was about to make a donut joke, but it was gazes, not glazes..
>
>PERCELL
>(excitedly)
>Of course...of course! A child could do it. A child!
MIKE: A child you say?
>
>TRUEMAN
>What do we need?
TOM: (Percell) Yes!
>
>PERCELL
>(enthusiastically)
>We need to get down to the engine room. I'm going to need some help
>with Greg, and from Morgan, if you think she'll help us.
CROW: (Trueman) She's got the stuff...
>
>TRUEMAN
>(thoughtfully)
>Anne? Yeah--she's all right. But we have to do this fast.
MIKE: (Trueman) If we go under 50 miles and hour...
>
>PERCELL
>(puzzled)
>Why do you want to rush? This is serious business we're getting into
>here.
TOM: I hope it's nothing like Risky Business... I don't want to see any of these people in their
underwear..
>
>TRUEMAN
>Because I don't want the captain to have any time to worry about this.
CROW: (Percell) What we need, is a distraction.... Let's use the nanites!
>
>Percell removes the headset and they exit, as we zoom on the
>terminal, still connected to the headset, and see a split screen.
MIKE: So the computers have the power to do cheap visual effects...
>One side contains data clearly related to the experiment the ensign
>and CPO are investigating--several lines of calculus and physics
>abbreviations. The other side is written in "source code" style and
>should include, among other references, the following lines:
TOM: Oh, great, binary, this might as well be in Japanese..
>
>Goto seaQuest dsv;
>call NBC;
>cancel.
CROW: We're in trouble.
>
>CUT TO ENGINE ROOM
>
>Callan is on duty. Trueman approaches him.
MIKE: Trueman approached Callan and pulled the gun here, she then fired two shots point blank..
>
>TRUEMAN
>(all business)
>Vidlink coming in from your wife, Sir.
TOM: (Trueman) She's with the pool boy they have something to tell you..
>
>CALLAN
>(dropping everything)
>Thanks...I'll...take it in my quarters.
CROW: (Gump) I was hit in the butt-ox sir..
>
>He exits hastily. Percell and Ensign Anne Morgan enter with a string of
>equipment and set up around main engines. Assorted noncoms look puzzled
>but do not challenge them.
MIKE: The non-commas instead flanked them and made a draw to the south, they then routed the officers..
>
>PERCELL
>(to Morgan)
>Is this everything we need to make this work?
TOM: Pretty elaborate measures to jump start the Pinto...
>
>MORGAN
>It'll create an ionizing stream, all right, but I have no way of
>knowing what will happen then.
CROW: (Morgan) I'm guessing that the plot will start and we will get into wacky adventures..
>
>PERCELL
>(singing)
>"That's not my department," says Verner von Braun.
MIKE: (Percell) Mine's ladies underwear.. heheh..
>
>TRUEMAN and MORGAN
>(unison)
>Huh?
TOM: Finally, some dialogue I can relate too..
>
>PERCELL
>Never mind. Old joke. Now look.
CROW: At my rash.. It's growing and turning purple..
> If this works, I've got a program
>running on the system that'll reverse the ionization in about an
>hour and bring us back. Just check in an hour and make sure we
>haven't beamed into a sheet of solid rock, okay?
MIKE: I think it will be a little bit too late by that time..
>
>MORGAN
>(letting that last allusion pass)
>I still don't understand what this is supposed to accomplish.
TOM: (Trueman) Alrighty.. The little bunny called physics didn't like the raccoon named gravity.
>(beat)
>_Assuming_ it works.
CROW: If it doesn't.. I'm going to be thoroughly relived..
>
>TRUEMAN
>(patiently)
>Look, Anne. The logs talked about being able to pass through a
>dimensional shift. Now we can't control where we go, but what have
>we got to lose?
MIKE: Your lives, your sanity, your keys, the remote control..
>(beat, thoughtful)
>We could go fifty years in the past and prevent this miserable
>conflict with the Carolinans,
TOM: The 49ers Panther's competition got really violent..
> or fifty years in the future and bring
>back the technology to win it. Besides, it's going to be a helluva lot
>of fun--even if all we do is observe!
CROW: Hey, didn't they read that book? One blade of grass would bean the end of this story..
Which, don't get me wrong, would be a good thing..
>
>MORGAN
>(agitated)
>But what about non-interference? Disruption of time lines? Haven't
>you ever heard of the Prime Directive?
MIKE: (Shatner) Damn the... Prime Directive... KAHHHHHNNNNN!!!!!!!!!
>
>TRUEMAN
>(looking at her like she believes in the tooth fairy)
TOM: (Morgan) He's not real? (starts mock crying)
>Aw, c'mon, Anne...this is reality!
CROW: Well, not really, but it's a reasonable facsimile thereof.
>
>Percell has been setting up and checking equipment during this
>discussion. She now turns to Trueman.
MIKE: And slices her from groin to sternum in one slice..
>
>TRUEMAN
>Ready?
TOM: (Whispering) Sliders..
>
>PERCELL
>As ready as I'm gonna be today.
CROW: Tomorrow he's not going to be ready at all..
>
>TRUEMAN
>(to Morgan)
>One hour. Wish us luck.
MIKE: (Morgan) Your lucky numbers are 17, 21, 26, 56, and pi.
>
>MORGAN
>Luck.
>
>Morgan exits.
TOM: She stole the gate from them! Wait.. Never mind.
>
>Percell pushes a button on a computer console. A black hole forms,
>fluctuates and finally engulfs the two crewmembers.
CROW: That darn Stargate.. It needs more poor characters.. So it just grabs them..
> Static is
>heard, blue light traces are seen, but Percell and Trueman are not.
MIKE: Yes! This is over..
>
>CUT TO EXTERIOR _SEAQUEST_, CGI
MIKE: Never mind..
CROW: seaQuest CGI? Suddenly the show has turned into one big computer geek in-joke..
>
>The ship is seen jolting.
TOM: Then Surging.. Then Mountain Dewing.
>
>CUT TO REC ROOM
>
>The screen on Percell's terminal shows the split-screen effect of
>earlier, then a vertical-hold "jump" is followed by the two sides
>combined into one screen of alternating lines of scientific formulas
>and computer source code. After several seconds of these lines
>going by, enter Lieutenant Wilson.
MIKE: (Wilson) Hey, a list of the seven herbs and spices..
> Wilson is only seen from the rear
>from off-shoulder; he looks at the console, enters the command RESET on
>the screen,
CROW: He's going to turn into the Freakazoid now..
> settles back comfortably, and puts the visor on.
>
>CUT TO BRIDGE
TOM: I hope this bridge isn't retro-fitted..
>
>All are at stations, except Trueman and Percell, whose places are
>filled by extras. Morgan's station is empty.
MIKE: So Morgan's station isn't filled either... Why didn't you just say that?!?
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(concerned)
>Tactical. Report.
CROW: (Riller) I prefer turn-based to real time sir..
>
>RILLER
>Nothing in the area, Sir. That disruption came from inside the ship.
TOM: Apparently Martin Larwence is still alive in 2047..
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(mildly upset)
>Inside?! Is there an engine failure?
MIKE: That's mild?
>
>REEDE
>Negative, Sir. We are under power and all shows normal.
CROW: (Reede) Except for Friends, Chandler is being eaten by a jelly fish sir..
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(to extra at communications station)
>Get me Callan in Engineering. I want to know what's going on down there.
TOM: (Callan) Now your wondering, did I fire five engines or all six sir..
>
>CUT TO CALLAN'S QUARTERS
MIKE: What about his dimes?
>
>Callan is focused the image of Kelly on his vidlink screen. They both
>look puzzled.
CROW: In other words, their minds are only half finished.. BOOM!
TOM: Good one..
>
>CALLAN
>(insistently)
>No, sweetie. I'm telling you, I've been trying to be a real good boy
>and not interrupt you every five minutes.
MIKE: Santa Luke flashback incoming..
> Our communications officer
>told me personally that there was a message coming in from _you_.
TOM: It's her evil tin sister that secretly had an affair with her gardener who..
>
>KELLY
>(sweetly, but not without annoyance)
>And I'm telling _you_ Doctor Hessemann called me out of a panel
>discussion ten minutes ago to tell me _I_ had an important message
>coming in from _seaQuest_.
CROW: They use underscores like blunt instruments..
>
>CALLAN
>(shaking his head)
>This makes no sense.
MIKE: Agree with you there..
>(beat)
>Our communications have been fried for two days now. I've been spending
>every free minute trying to get the PALs working again...
TOM: (Skipper) The little buddy has been on the fritz lately..
>
>He tries another slam at the PAL in his hand, resulting in more beeps
>and squeaks.
CROW: He's savagly beating R2D2!
>
>CALLAN
>(continues)
>I love you dearly, but _I_ would not be calling _you_ at this time of
>the day.
MIKE: (Callan) I only call you late at night when your too tired to talk..
>
>VOICE
>(over main ship's communications)
>Lieutenant Commander Callan, please report to Engineering.
TOM: (VOICE) They don't know how to save a file and you do.
>
>CALLAN
>I'm sorry, honey, but it felt a moment ago like we just hit something.
CROW: (VOICE) We did, but we don't have insurance..
>I've checked the status monitors and everything seems fine, but I have
>to find out what's going on here. You done by 1900?
TOM: (Kelly) Despite the fact that that's a hundred and fourty-seven years ago I'll try.
>
>KELLY
>I'll try. I'll call you.
>
>They quickly make their usual gesture of parting before Callan snaps
>off the monitor.
CROW: He's getting violent!
>
(A loud pounding beat is heard through the ship)
TOM: What the?
MIKE: Let's see what's happening.
5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. *..
(SOL)
MIKE: Cambot give me rocket number nine!
(Outside is a submarine with distinctive Soviet markings and flags all over it)
CROW: What?
(Hexfield opens up, there's a bunch of Russian soldiers dancing in full gear with silly hats
over their... Russian type hats, in the back ground is a Russian chant of some kind but with
a technobeat playing very loud in the back ground, one of the soldiers approaches the camera)
SERGI: Hey you American capitalist pig dogs! How is it going!
MIKE: Um.. Fine, what are you guys doing?
SERGI: Well, we are holding our selves a little communist party! (the crowd cheers)
BORIS: We're partying like its 1919! Woo!
CROW: Uh oh... Mike? Mike?
MIKE: Too late! I'm going back to my communist roots! Death to the parliment! Go working class!
TOM: Great, this was bound to happen...
SERGI: Hey! Look Gorby is cutting a rug with Miss Belarus!
BORIS: I'd love to get my hands on her babushka...
SERGI: Wouldn't we all... Oh, comrade you and your.. Puppets.. Are invited to come with us!
TOM: Well.. I guess it would get us off of this thing...
CROW: And it would give Mike some jollies..
BORIS: C'mon! We've got the dance version of the Gregorian Chant No 5, and we've got cabbage,
more cabbage, and some cabbage for food!
CROW: What are you guys going to do?
TOM: Yeah.. What?
SERGI: Well.. hehehe.. We've decided to do the best prank of all time... See there's this little
country on our border called Afghanistan...
TOM: No way! Go away you pinko meatheads!
BORIS: Your loss! (hexfield shuts)
MIKE: (Enters wearing Russian uniform) Hey! Were'd those Russian guys go?
TOM: Well, they were going to invade Afghanistan.. They invited us to join them, but we
decided that being blown to itty-bitty bits would not be a fun idea..
MIKE: Aw.. But I've got my little red book and everything...
TOM: Sorry Mike honey.. (movie sign) Movie sign!!!
*.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5..
>CUT TO BRIDGE, _SEAQUEST DSV4600II_
>
>In a brief flash of blue light, Trueman and Percell appear near the back
>of the previous _seaQuest_'s bridge.
TOM: It's Coruscount/Earth all over again! (They all groan..)
> They look around quickly, amazed,
>and quickly duck down behind Darwin's tank.
MIKE: I certainly hope that tank is a metaphor for a certain body part..
> Their sudden entrance goes
>unnoticed by the crew, whose attention is all on the business at hand.
CROW: None of them were surprised by the flash of blinding blue light apparently..
>
>HUDSON
>(concerned)
>What do you _mean_ we're being followed? There's no ship in either
>fleet that can keep up with us!
TOM: (O'Neill) It's a Yugo sir.. Apparently we aren't actually *in* the water..
>
>O'NEILL
>I don't know how to explain it, Sir.
MIKE: (Hudson) It's those dang 2047 people again..
>
>Hudson rushes over, yanking O'Neill from his chair and leaving him
>sitting on the floor.
CROW: Let's get ready to rumble!!!!!! (cc that guy)
>
>HUDSON
>(irate)
>When are you going to learn I won't accept that answer, Lieutenant?!
TOM: (O'Neill) Is this a multiple choice test?
MIKE: You know, so far this hasn't been too bad..
>
>O'Neill shakily rises with a "not again" look on his face, straightens
>his glasses, and checks his displays. Before he can speak, Henderson
>butts in.
MIKE: Eww..
>
>HENDERSON
>We are being matched move for move and speed for speed by an ancient
>vehicle propelled by an internal combustion engine.
CROW: (Henderson) As opposed to the safe nuclear power that powers us.. Oh, by the way, where
are my teeth?
>
>HUDSON
>Can you identify it?
TOM: (Henderson) I don't know what it is.. But it itches like crazy and it's turned purple..
>
>HENDERSON
>Its exterior markings indicate its name is... is...
MIKE: (Henderson) Blue Harvest? What does that mean?
>(staring at monitor)
>The _MustSeeQuest dtv_
ALL: NO!!
TOM: We're doomed!
>
>HUDSON
>(puzzled)
>Any known references to that in the ship's computers?
CROW: (O'Neill) It's under the word "rip-off" in the dictionary..
>
>O'NEILL
>(casting a dirty look in Henderson's direction)
>On it, Sir...
MIKE: You know, I change my mind.. This is bad.. Really, really bad..
>
>He types, then reads from his console.
TOM: He's reading something from alt.sex.stories..
MIKE: How would you know about that?
TOM: Umm... Err....
>
>O'NEILL
>(continues)
>A craft by that name was registered to an entity that seems to have
>been in the business of making...
CROW: (O'Neill) Bad mini-series..
>(beat, unsure)
>...lightbulbs and toasters?
TOM: I think the question mark gave it away that he was unsure..
>
>HUDSON
>Gee!
MIKE: That was about the last thing I expected..
>
>FORD
>Right, Sir!
>(beat, clarifying)
>Actually, the record owner is a subsidiary of theirs, an N...B...C
>company, that seems to have also been in the cookie business.
TOM: (Ford) There was this thing called Saturday Night Live.. It did something very similer
to what's happening now..
>
>PICCOLO
>(indicating main viewscreen)
>Whatever it is, it's gaining on us, Captain.
CROW: (Geppetto) Piccolo! Now your a real boy!
>
>The next few lines follow each other quickly.
MIKE: The first line is original, but the rest have just jumped on the band-wagon..
>
>HUDSON
>Aim aft torpedoes at enemy craft...FIRE!
TOM: (Hudson) We don't know what it is, but heck, it's not us..
>
>PICCOLO
>Torpedoes away, Sir....
CROW: I'm having 'Crimson Tide' flash-backs.. For some dang reason.
>
>FORD
>Damn! They're still picking up speed, closing the gap between us and
>just _killing_ us in the ratings.
ALL: Groan...
>
>HUDSON
>I was afraid of that. My old nemesis Captain Seinfeld must be
MIKE: (Hudson) At the high school looking for dates!
> on that
>boat--along with some of his Friends.
CROW: All in all, the crew gets paid six million each for literally lifting a finger.
>(beat, resigned)
>Never _could_ fire anything at them that'd make them sink even half a
>point.
TOM: Three words: The Single Guy.
>
>FORD
>(urgently)
>Intruder alert! We are being boarded. Two adult males.
MIKE: The adult males of the species practice the tradition known as bad writing.
>
>HUDSON
>(quickly)
>Armed?
TOM: (Ford) They both have two sir.
>
>FORD
>Sensors detect two Filofaxes and a Personal Data Assistant on one of
>them.
CROW: (Ford) He is what we would classify as a "yuppie"
>
>A section of the bridge is moved away from behind, revealing _seaQuest
>dsv_ legends spray-painted on the rear of what is now clearly a
>mocked-up set.
MIKE: Sarah Mallory looked up and said
"Not again." Rembrandt agreed.
> Morris and Gould approach Bridger's station, Gould
>picking up and eyeballing various pieces of equipment at the officers'
>work stations.
TOM: They can take their eyes out at will!
> Through all of this, Trueman and Percell are occasionally
>seen peeking up, wide-eyed, from their hiding place.
CROW: (Trueman) I wonder if they'll find that tack I put on the captains seat..
>
>MORRIS
>(all business)
>Okay, listen up, everybody. I'm sorry to break this to everyone in the
>middle of a shoot, but the November sweeps are over and you guys are
>just not cutting it against the competition.
MIKE: Ain't that the truth..
>(beat)
>I'm afraid we're going to be turning over your time slot to a couple of
>comedies about a bunch of slackers in the city just sittin' around and
>talkin'.
TOM: (Cosby) Just a s sittin' and a talkin' and a laughin' and a Jello Puddin'
>
>GOULD
>(brusquely)
>Now I know you all think you're the second coming of _Star Trek_ or
>something and we're making this b-i-i-g mistake, but trust me,
MIKE: Actually, they are like Star Trek, on the air three years, canceled by NBC.
CROW: Let's hope that we never see seaQuest: The Next Generation..
> we've
>worked with focus group after focus group and they just can't seem to
>keep up with your adventures even with all the valuable time slots
>we've given you.
CROW: (Gould) Like Saturday at 10.. How can you blow that time slot?
>
>MORRIS
>(pointedly)
>But just in case, we're going to have to ask you to turn in all your
>props and uniforms when you pick up your paychecks.
MIKE: (Heston) Soylent green is made from people!
CROW: What did that have to do with anything?
MIKE: I just felt like saying it.
>(beat, shaking his head)
>The last thing we need is a black market in vidlinks that we don't have
>a piece of.
TOM: Yeah, like they could actually sell non-working props from a non-popular show..
>(beat)
>And can somebody tell me where that dolphin is? We're trying to get
>back some of our investment by auditioning him for that remake of
>_Flipper_.
CROW: (Morris) And if that doesn't pan out, there's always tuna.
>
>Nathan Bridger rushes on to the bridge and elbows Hudson aside.
MIKE: Oh no he didn't!
>
>BRIDGER
>(frantically)
>Computer! Engage self-destruct sequence!
TOM: (Bridger) We need to rip off Star Trek 3 now!
>
>GOULD
>Oh, come on, Roy! You already did that when you quit the show. You were
>the only cast member we had with a positive Q rating.
MIKE: (Gould) Unfortunately, you had a negative X rating, so you plummeted into the atmosphere.
>
>HUDSON
>(to O'Neill)
>Oh, hell, Ted. Wanna go to the commissary and grab a couple of belts?
CROW: (O'Neill) Kinky.. But I like it. Let's take it to Broadway!
>
>O'NEILL
>The only belt _you're_ gonna get is from me, Sir!
TOM: (O'Neill) I made it out of leather in shop class..
>
>He punches Hudson in the jaw.
MIKE: A little cinematic payback..
>
>O'NEILL
>(continues)
>_I'm_ working for Steven Spielberg!
>
>Hudson rises, somewhat shakily and more than a little shocked. He
>confronts Bridger.
>
>HUDSON
>You know, Roy, this is all your fault.
>(beat, with increasing ire)
>And here's what I think of all your damned scientific, dolphin on the
>bridge mumbo-jumbo!
>(beat, truly angry now)
>You're a tough--no, impossible--act to follow!
>
>Hudson gives Bridger an even better punch than he got from O'Neill.
>A general melee breaks out among the _2032_ cast members and the
>interlopers. Cut back to Trueman and Percell, who have been watching
>the foregoing scene with gaping jaws.
>
>TRUEMAN
>(completely baffled)
>Do _you_ have any idea what they're talking about, Sara?
>
>PERCELL
>Actually, they're doing a cheap imitation of a spoof of the
>cancellation of _another_ show that was done on live television in...
>I think...the mid 1970s.
>(beat)
>Now _those_ were the days of classic television!
>
>As the donnybrook continues, we...
>
>CUT TO REC ROOM
>
>Wilson still has the visor on. After a few seconds he speaks.
>
>WILSON
>Ohhhh yeah--those _were_ the good old days, weren't they?
>(beat, musing)
>Seventies, hmmmm, somebody on that boat was on....
>
>Hey clicks the mouse several times.
>
>WILSON
>(continues)
>Brandis, Raimi,...Scheider. Yeah, that's the ticket. So why not click
>it?
>
>He clicks the mouse.
>
>FADE TO COMMERCIAL
CROW: Let's hope it never fades in...
MIKE: No such luck.. Let's go.
>
>END ACT ONE
>
>All disclaimers apply. So you don't forget, apply before midnight
>tonight.
TOM: Hardy har-har... Sigh, let's get out of here... I'm getting a stomach ache..
MIKE: Sure..
5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. *..
(SOL)
TOM: This was an attempt at parody right?
MIKE: I think so.
TOM: Well.. I just have one thing to say....
MIKE: And that is...?
TOM: This is the worst parody ever written on the face of the earth!!
CROW: Have to agree with you there Servo...
TOM: It doesn't even have an obligatory Mel Brooks Jewish joke..
CROW: Plus it's written like a fever dream...
TOM: And steals from everybody...
CROW: And...
TOM: Well it's just bad!!
MIKE: Plain and simple...
CROW: No other way to put it...
TOM: Clare Mosely has nothing on these people...
MIKE: Well, we're forgetting that short too...
CROW: That was like every Clare Mosely fan fic ripped into one while seen through a rock groupie
filter...
TOM: I guess what the basics of this whole experiment is... We're doomed!
CROW: Game over man! Game over!
MIKE: (really calmly) Well... Yup... AHHHH!!! (movie sign) And now we've got movie sign!!!
*.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5..
>
>ACT TWO
CROW: Electric bugaloo.
>
>OPEN ON _SEAQUEST DSV4600III_ BRIDGE
>
>A tight shot of Wolenczak in the "Big Chair,"
MIKE: With the big giant head!
> pulling back to reveal
>all at their stations as before. The captain looks momentarily
>disconnected from the current reality.
TOM: Loss of signal, reconfigure PPP protocols.
> His expression suggests a bit
>of nostalgia and a sense of loss.
CROW: He's remembering the time that he bet all his money of the Generals, they never win!
> Reede speaks, more forcefully than one
>might expect. It is as if he's had to ask this already. Which he has,
>right before we came in.
MIKE: They edited it poorly, but at least they fill us in about what they did edit out.
>
>REEDE
TOM: I hate biology class..
>_Sir_!
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(snapping out of it)
>I'm sorry, Ensign. What did you say?
TOM: (Reede) I said your on fire..
>
>REEDE
>(too patiently)
>Awaiting your order. Do you want us to proceed on course while we're
>investigating these readings, or should we hold position?
CROW: (Wolanczak) Hold! Hold! They may take our wives, but they'll never take our freedom!
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(still a little fuzzy)
MIKE: Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear..
>All stop.
>(beat)
>Check Engineering for that report.
TOM: (Reede) Here it is, ahem: My summer vacation was like, cool..
>
>Lieutenant Commander Jessie Matthews leaves her station and
>approaches the Wolenczak. Her approach is completely correct,
CROW: But she can't put..
> but
>with a hint of concern and surprise. The following lines between them
>are exchanged openly but in a tight shot to suggest it's nobody
>else's business.
MIKE: (Matthews) Hey, you have toilet paper on your foot..
>
>MATTHEWS
>(concerned)
>Are you all right, Sir?
>(beat)
>You seem a little out of it.
TOM: (Wolenczak) What? Dave's not here man..
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(almost relieved that somebody noticed)
CROW: (Wolenczak) They like me! They really like me!
>I'm okay. But that was pretty strange there. It was almost like being
>back on the old boat--with Secretary General Ford, Henderson...
TOM: Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, John Boy, Grandpa..
>(beat, this one's painful)
>...Tony...
MIKE: Let's not go any further into this..
>(beat, recovering)
>...and _both_ captains. I sensed conflict, I sensed confusion, I
>sensed....
CROW: A disturbecne in the force, as if a hundred readers cried out in pain.
>(beat, to Matthews, puzzled)
>Commander, what are Nielsens?
TOM: Did they star in those Naked Gun movies?
>
>MATTHEWS
>(a bit alarmed)
>I don't know, but _I_ sense that if you keep talking like a Betazoid,
>we're going to lose whatever audience _we_ still have.
CROW: Uh oh, it started to acknowledge it self.. We're in trouble.
>
>Riller approaches Wolenczak and Matthews with disk in hand and waits for
>his opening to report to them.
MIKE: The less said about that, the better..
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(to Matthews, increasingly concerned)
>All these tricks of Hunter's, they've been plenty annoying, but
>harmless.
TOM: (Matthews) Well, the burning tar kindof hurt.
>(beat)
>But this--you knew him longer and better than I did. Do you think he'd
>dare put the whole ship in jeopardy?
>
>Matthews hesitates.
CROW: Your thirty seconds is up.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>Well?
MIKE: (Matthews) I'm sorry sir, I don't know what your saying.. I have an IQ of eight.
>
>MATTHEWS
>(apologetically)
>Sorry, Sir. I was trying to phrase my answer in the form of a
>question.
TOM: This deserves a groan.. But I'm all out of them, used up my quota.
CROW: I've got a few in reserve..
>(beat)
>No. I don't think he had that big an axe to grind with us, or even
>you.
CROW: Braveheart 2: It gets silly.
>(beat)
>And if he did, I'm sure he would have and could have done a lot worse
>than this a lot sooner than now.
MIKE: (Wolenczak) He could be using hydrogen bombs.. But he's only using fuel-air explosives..
>
>WOLENCZAK
>I hope you're right.
TOM: Insert "Die Hard" style snappy dialogue here.
>
>RILLER
>(sensing, no, _noticing_ his opening)
CROW: This is too easy..
MIKE: Give it a try.
CROW: (Riller) Is that a PAD in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
MIKE: That was good, you get a gold star. (puts gold sticker star on Crow's forehead)
>I have the report from Engineering, Sir. They've identified the source
>of the readings, and there's been a sudden change in the size
>and intensity.
TOM: (Riller) We're being attacked by a strobe light!
> They'd like you to take a look at what's happening
>down there.
MIKE: (Riller) They are forming a conga line.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(a bit annoyed at being "summoned")
CROW: Yet another disgruntled "Magic the Gathering: Battlemage" player.. Sad really.
>I have to _see_ this? Didn't I ask for a report so I wouldn't have to
>go down there?
MIKE: Just get off your lazy butt and do something!
>(beat)
>What's the point of having a chain of command?
TOM: (Matthews) Maybe we shouldn't of made it of gum wrappers..
>
>MATTHEWS
>(pushing her luck)
>Very good, Sir! Now all you have to do is find the Daily Double and
>we can _beat_ that celebrity team from "The Love Boat"!
CROW: Using the reserve now. Groan.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(resigned)
>I may as well go down to Engineering and get away from this--
>(beat, rolling his eyes)
>--witty repartee.
MIKE: I wish we could!
>
>Wolenczak, about to hand the conn over, notes Morgan's absence from
>her station.
TOM: Not very bright, is he?
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(continues, to Matthews)
>Has Morgan been keeping up with her Bridge duties?
CROW: She's been playing Scrabble lately sir.. (Mike looks) Instead of bridge? Never mind..
>
>MATTHEWS
>(back on safe ground)
>She's getting better about it, Sir. I think if she had her way she'd
>still prefer just losing herself in her work, but ever since we
>installed that M&M dispenser next to her station up here, she....
MIKE: (Matthews) We carried her bloated corpse out yesterday.. It didn't melt until somebody
bit her corpse.. (Crow and Servo look) What? I can't be dark?
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(finishing it for her)
>.... melts in your hands?
TOM: I think I'm going to be sick.
>
>MATTHEWS
>(wryly)
>Not exactly.
CROW: I'd be more apt to laugh at Pauly Shore than this.. Well, maybe not.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(quitting while he's more or less ahead, to Matthews)
>You have the conn.
TOM: Ahem.. COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!
>
>The usual Chinese fire drill ensues.
MIKE: That's asian-american-emergancy-preperation now..
>
>MATTHEWS
>(irritably)
>Is somebody gonna explain someday on one of these military shows what
>the hell that means?
CROW: I think it means "command".
>
>CUT TO FISHING BOAT
TOM: Let's hope "big blue" sinks this too..
>
>Percell, Trueman and Bridger on the aft deck of a large fishing
>vessel. The seas are choppy, the wind is blowing spray all around
>them.
MIKE: (Percell) We've wandered into an old spice add..
> Bridger will be referred to as such throughout these scenes,
>but his character otherwise resembles the captain of the original
>_seaQuest_ only in the slightest.
CROW: They both have the same color eyes is about the only connection.
> He is constantly affecting an
>accent and attitude embodying the angry sailor--one part drunk, one
>part punch-drunk.
TOM: He is the one named Sailor Drunk!
>
>BRIDGER
>(shouting over the side of the boat)
MIKE: That's not all that he's doing over the side of the boat.. Watch out below!
>Aye, I know you're down there, ya killer! Well, ya gotta eat and ya
>gotta make little sharks.
CROW: Uh oh.. We're in trouble.
>(beat)
>I jus' sent down some food for ya, and if that doesn't getcha "in the
>mood," I got some little snackies for ya right back--
TOM: AH! This has now taken a left turn into perverted country!
>
>He notices Percell and Trueman for the first time and shoves them toward
>two fifty-gallon barrels gracing the ship's stern.
MIKE: Oh, the barrels grace us with their presence.
>
>BRIDGER
>(continues)
>Don't just stand there, ya landlubbers! Start scooping the chum!
CROW: Let's hope they toss them at the writers and toss them over board.
>
>He gestures wildly at the barrels.
TOM: (Makes monkey sounds)
>
>TRUEMAN
>(to Percell, confused)
>He can see us! He seems to know who we are!
MIKE: (Trueman) Maybe it's our name tags..
>
>BRIDGER
>(interrupting)
>Of course I can see you, you dimension shifting dunderheads!
CROW: Dr Smith he aint.
> This
>isn't some floating underwater hotel with nooks and crannies ye can
>hide behind! Now get busy with those scoops!
TOM: Two scoops of chum in every box.
>
>Percell and Trueman begin, hesitantly, emptying the barrels' contents
>into the wake of the boat. The following lines among the three of them
>come more or less between scoops.
MIKE: Boy, Kellogs really works their people hard!
>
>PERCELL
>But what are _you_ doing here, Captain Bridger?
CROW: (Brider) I'm trying to make a buck.. Nobody hires me any more.
>
>BRIDGER
>(roaring)
>Brridges? Does this look like the middle of Madison County out here?
TOM: (British) You stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave.
>Now are ye gonna start feeding Bruce his chum or am I gonna have to
>throw ye overboard?
MIKE: Arr.
>
>TRUEMAN
>(still absolutely befuddled)
>Bruce? What are you talking about?
CROW: (Aussie) G'day Bruce, this is Bruce, Bruce, and Bruce, is you name not Bruce?
>
>BRIDGER
>(out of what little patience he had)
>It's our _mission_, you fool! We're going after the big one--the
>Great White!
TOM: (Bridger) Oh, yes, call me Ishmael..
>
>PERCELL
>(brightly)
>You mean we're gonna make a musical out of this movie and take it to
>Broadway?
MIKE: AH!! There is something seriously wrong with this..
>(beat)
>Cool!
>
>She breaks into her best belt-out of a show tune, stopping her shoveling
>and shocking Trueman into stopping too.
CROW: Wrong, wrong, wrong! This is horrible horribly wrong!
>
>PERCELL
>(singing)
>"Tooooo-morrow, to-morrow, I'll get you, tomorrow...."
(Mike and the bots suddenly start screaming uncontrollably)
>
>TRUEMAN
>(cutting her off)
>A great white _shark_, he means! Don't you remember? We were talking
>about the mid-'70s.
MIKE: No, you weren't.
>
>PERCELL
>("getting it")
>Oh, yeah! So this must be, the...
TOM: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
>
>BRIDGER
>(mock polite)
>The _Orca II_, ma'am. Captain _Quint_ commanding. We tried to get
>Captain Stubing for you but he was too busy doing commercials with
>Kathie Lee.
CROW: AH! This was turned horrible horribly wrong!
>
>TRUEMAN
>(getting more lost by the second)
>Who?!
MIKE: (Bridger) Captain Stubing.. Didn't you read the script?
>
>PERCELL
>(explaining)
>Evil creature. She was in a lot of '80s and '90s television shows.
CROW: Actually only one..
>(beat)
>Died in a sabotaged mud-wrestling match with Martha Stewart.
MIKE: The event that absolutely nobody watched..
>
>TRUEMAN
>Now _her_ I've heard of. Isn't she the one who gave Larry Deon the
>idea about cornering the potpourri market?
TOM: AHHHH!!!!!!!
>
>BRIDGER
>(continuing to put on the air, but beginning to lose it)
MIKE: He's breaking down.. Like I'm about to!
>Well, isn't _this_ just a charming
TOM: (Breaking down) They are magically delicious.. AH!!
> chat we're having out here on the
>aft deck? Perhaps Bruce would like to come and have a nice dish of
>tea...
CROW: Or a cup or tea.. Since I don't remember anybody actually drinking from a plate.
>(beat, the top finally comes back off)
>AND STRUMPETS! Now get busy with that chum!
MIKE: (Singing) Get down and get busy!
>
>PERCELL
>(to Bridger, suspiciously)
>But you don't look anything like the Quint I remember. _You_ look more
>like...
TOM: (Percell) Quint's evil dopple-ganger!
>
>BRIDGER
>(cutting her off)
>..that namby-pamby Brody? Aye, some say there's a resemblance. Or was,
>I should say. The Sheriff and Hooper had themselves a lunch appointment
>with ol' Bruce down there.
CROW: What about Big Bird? See.. Hooper? Never mind..
>(gestures at barrels, regaining his anger)
>Now are ya goin' to follow orders or am I going to have to throw ya
>over the side?!
ALL: C'mon.. Do it.. You know you wanna..
>
>PERCELL
>(to Trueman, more nervous now, eyeing the barrels)
MIKE: (Percell) Those barrels have good figures.. With a little bit of nipping and tucking..
>They wouldn't--they _couldn't_! You can't show decapitation on
>network television.
CROW: Tell that to Steven Bochco.
>
>TRUEMAN
>But this is the Internet. No censors.
MIKE: I really wish there was now..
>
>TRUEMAN, PERCELL
>(unison)
>Uh-oh....
TOM: That's what we've been saying.
>
>They start scooping from the barrels with renewed enthusiasm.
CROW: Caffeine will do that for you!
>
>CUT TO _SEAQUEST DSV4600III_ ENGINE ROOM
>
>Callan and Wolenczak are inspecting the phenomenon still visible
>around the main engines.
MIKE: The year is 2047 and John Travolta is being de thawed.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(to no one in particular)
>Why that scheming, two-timing four-flusher. I gave her a second chance
>and she took me to the cleaners with it.
TOM: But she forgot her ticket and well, you know how that goes!
> This time I'm going
>to hang her from the highest yardarm!
CROW: I guess fifty years in the future they still haven't changed to the metric system.
>
>CALLAN
>Um...Sir? This is a submarine. No yardarms. And I think we had enough
>of that over-the-top Ahab stuff in the last scene.
MIKE: AHHH!!!!!!!
>
>WOLENCZAK
>You're right, Commander. Let's try to figure out what we've got here.
>You ever seen anything like this before?
TOM: (Callan) In about a dozen Star Trek episodes..
>
>CALLAN
>Well, there's that Bad Hemingway contest they do out at Harry's
>American Bar--
CROW: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(cutting him off)
>Not the dialogue, the black hole!
MIKE: Like Tom said, in about a dozen Star Trek episodes.
>
>CALLAN
>(contritely)
>Sorry, Sir. I know there were some almost accidental discoveries of
>time anomalies, but the problem was, they were _so_ accidental,
>nobody really got much of a chance to record anything or even take
>down the most basic data.
TOM: But about fifty different TV shows and movies.
> I think most of the research that came out
>of them had to do with the long-term medical effects.
CROW: So does this fan fiction!
>
>WOLENCZAK
>Right.
>(beat)
>I suppose that's as good a starting point as any. Get the doctor down
>here, will you? Maybe she can help figure this out.
MIKE: Oh, yeah, I doctor that knows interdimentional science.. Yeah, right.. I'll believe that.
>
>CALLAN
>Aye, Sir.
>
>He starts to exit.
CROW: But gets caught in the mental bear trap that the readers were laying..
>
>WOLENCZAK
>I meant _call_ her, _summon_ her, send her a damn e-mail or
>something.
TOM: It takes four black mana to summon her..
>
>CALLAN
>(explaining)
>That's the problem, Sir. PALs are still out, and now we're starting
>to get crashes and misdirects all over the main communications
>system.
MIKE: (Callan) We were hit with what is called, a Star Trek ray.
>(beat, exasperated)
>Believe me, if you want me to get Doctor Burke down here, I'm
>going to have to _go_, or at least get someone to chase her down.
CROW: Hey, another character! What a surprise! There's only about two billion of them already.
>(beat, hopefully)
>Unless you have a quarter for a phone call?
TOM: I think I'm going to start coughing up blood Mike..
>
>Wolenczak glares at him. Callan leaves, in haste.
MIKE: (Arthur) Please good people, I am in haste, who lives in that castle?
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(calling after Callan)
>Boy, this crew's going to be in some damn good shape with all this
>running around if you don't get communications fixed.
CROW: Let's hope at least some of them trip and kill them selves..
>
>CUT TO _ORCA_ AFT DECK
TOM: Now to the really bad scene..
>
>A battered and semi-shattered shark-proof cage is hoisted aboard.
>Only Hooper, ace oceanographer, is within it, and the first look seen
>on his face is one of panic.
MIKE: (Cleasteau) I will now send Hooper my assistant to pull him self into the sharks mouth.
>
>HOOPER
>He's incredible! We were down there just scanning the perimeter,
>Brody picked up something on the sonar about a candygram, and next
>thing you know it was Goodbye, Girl!
(Mike and the bots make throw up sounds..)
CROW: I needed that..
>
>BRIDGER
>Which way did he go?
TOM: Out you pixies go, out the door through the winda!
>
>HOOPER
>Down.
>(beat)
>And he took his lunch with him.
MIKE: Hey, a character that we never met that might of had a very slim chance of being likable
died..
>
>BRIDGER
>I _knew_ Brody didn't have the gumption to put up a fight.
>(beat, aggressively)
>Well that damned white pile of blubber's not going to defeat _me_!
CROW: Sharks don't have blubber, they have cartilage.
>
>HOOPER
>(aghast)
>You can't sacrifice this boat--or me--over this blasted obsession of
>yours! Whose Life Is It, Anyway?
TOM: Why was that in all caps?
>
>PERCELL
>(trying to be helpful)
>And What About Bob?
MIKE: He's in a better fan fiction.
>
>HOOPER
>(stunned)
>Where did _you_ come from? And what are you doing here?
CROW: (Trueman) I'm Batman.
>
>TRUEMAN
>("winging it")
TOM: Let's hope that she's flying Value Jet..
>We, er, were rescued from a passing submarine that got hit by the
>shark.
MIKE: Yeah, that's the ticket.. And we were in a flying submarine, battling space aliens.. Yeah.
>
>HOOPER
>If you bring up "Hello Down There" I'll punch you out _and_ sue you.
TOM: Boy I'm glad I don't know what they're talking about.
>
>TRUEMAN
>Huh?
MIKE: My point exactly.
>
>PERCELL
>(explaining)
>Very bad film. If he hadn't been cast in _American Graffiti_ you'd
>never have heard of him.
CROW: A review coming from them? They have very little perspective don't they..
>
>BRIDGER
>(roaring--again)
TOM: On FOX this summer.
>Would you damn movie critics get your thumbs out of your
MIKE: Where are those censors when you need them?
> noses and
MIKE: Never mind.
>start loading the torpedoes? I swear I just heard some cellos
>playing, and you _know_ what _that_ means.
CROW: (Hooper) It means we're in a bad parody?
>
>HOOPER
>(still angry)
>Well, this is just Nuts. I'm not going to let you just Stand idly By
>Me while that shark Stakes this boat Out....
TOM: What's with the off and on capitalization?
>
>PERCELL
>(dryly, cutting him off)
>Excuse me, Sir, but if you're going to do that, can you leave out the
>Close Encounters joke?
CROW: There was a joke in there? I think I missed something..
> We need all of those we can get for our next
>scene.
>
>VOICE
>(offscreen)
>Um, Ensign Glmxxxn?
MIKE: Glxxxn, the new miracle drug for the nuclear age!
>
>TRUEMAN
>(turns toward voice, suspiciously)
>What was that? Who are you?
CROW: (Voice) Bad joke.
>
>VOICE
>Land shark, ma'am.
ALL: WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!
>
>PERCELL
>It's got to be Brody pulling some practical joke on us. There's no
>such thing as....
MIKE: I think he spoke too soon..
>
>Several stagehands are seen dumping buckets of water onto the deck.
>They are followed by an extra wearing "landshark" headgear running in
>from stage left and lunging headfirst at Trueman.
CROW: It's a Hussein family Christmas!
> Hand-to-hand
>combat ensues between the two of them.
TOM: Punch him in his fake nose!
> Hooper decks Bridger. Percell
>lifts a bucket of chum, Gatorade-shower style, over the two of them
>as we...
>
>CUT TO REC ROOM
MIKE: Thank fully..
>
>Riller enters, sees Wilson at the one occupied terminal. He taps
>Wilson on shoulder; Wilson turns no more than one-eighth toward Riller.
CROW: One-eight meter or foot?
>
>RILLER
>Excuse me, but have you seen Ensign Trueman? She was supposed to be
>down here and nobody seems to know where she is.
TOM: She's in the Dark Territory part of the Undiscovered Country on a Search for Spock..
>
>Wilson shrugs, trying to stay intent on program.
CROW: This was back in the days when there only was one program for computers and referred to
as such.
>
>RILLER
>(continues)
>No? Okay...sorry to bother you, Sir.
MIKE: Oh, she just tacked the sir on.
>
>Riller exits.
TOM: Well, that scene did absolutely nothing to advance anything..
>
>WILSON
>(to himself)
>Boy, there's a checkered film career if there ever was one. But she was
>right--he left...
MIKE: I'm confused.. Again.
>(moving his cursor across the screen)
>...one...film...out.
CROW: Huh?
>
>He clicks as we...
>
>FADE TO COMMERCIAL
>
>END ACT TWO
>
TOM: What a fitting... Ending?
CROW: Let's ask Dr Forrester about what's going on..
5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. *..
(SOL)
MIKE: Hey, Dr Forrester, what's up with the abrupt ending?
(D13)
DR F: Oh that... That's because that wasn't the ending.. It was more of a half-way point...
It was so long that I divided it into two... Oh, yes, and there's another short in front
of the next one... Force be with 'ye Nelson...
(Insert button ASCII here.)
This is all in fun, don't sue me... No harm intended..
--------------310267E5730AFC87B421C368--