In the not too distant future... (david "garbagetime" robinson MSTed)
T-Bone
[Interior of Satellite of Love]
JOEL: Hi, I'm Joel Robinson, and this is my robot posse: Tom Servo...
TOM: Yo.
JOEL: And Crow T. Robot.
CROW: Word.
JOEL: As you MST3K fans probably know by now, the Mads aren't content with
just showing us bad, cheesy movies. Now their agents are starting to
send us bad, cheesy posts off the newsgroups.
TOM: I know. I get the horrible feeling that John_-_Winston will be dressed
as a clown in some upcoming nightmare.
CROW: ... where he offers you a green card and tells you how to MAKE MONEY
FAST with Alexander Abian.
[Lights begin to flash.]
JOEL: Knock it off, you two, Doug Moe and Larry Brown are calling. [Hits
button]
[Cut to Deep 13; Frank and Dr. F are wearing basketball uniforms. Dr F wears
a Christian Laettner jersey, Frank a Shaq.]
DR F: Well, good morning, schnookums. Glad to see you're ready for pain.
Let's get on with the invention exchange, shall we? After you.
[Back on Satellite of Love. Joel and the robots now each sport huge afros.]
JOEL: Well, sirs, in keeping with the huge, growing worldwide interest of pro
basketball, and with the backward-looking, retro, stagnant pop culture
in America today, we've developed a device we call "the Plutonic ray."
Check it out. [Holds up a red, white, and blue bazooka-like thing]
TOM: You see, sirs, many people who had never even heard of the old American
Basketball Association have become mesmerized and entranced by it,
thanks to Terry Pluto's book about the ABA, _Loose_Balls_.
CROW: So we've developed the Plutonic ray. One shot from our gun and you can
turn into your favorite ABA star for up to one hour, or until reality
intervenes.
JOEL: Okay, Tom, who would you like to be?
TOM: Oh, I'd like to be Julius Irving, the ABA's greatest player and the man
who rewrote the book on how the game is played.
[Joel shoots the ray at Tom; he turns into Dr J, grabs a red, white, and blue
basketball, and jumps out of camera shot.]
JOEL: Wow! What about you, Crow?
CROW: I'd like to be Warren Jabali, the meanest man the sports world has ever
seen.
[Joel shoots the ray at Crow, who becomes Jabali. He then grabs the gun from
Joel, decks him, stomps on his chest and turns to the camera]
CROW/JABALI (in deep, menacing voice): So, what the f*%$ do ya think, sirs?
[Tom/Dr J finally lands]
[Back in Deep 13]
FRANK [jumping back]: Ah! Don't DO that!
DR F: Well, Joel, Frank and I have been watching a lot of basketball, too.
And we've come up with: The Franchise Maker. [Produces a white box
with a blue and black star.] What it does is give you a pro franchise
in a schlocky, glitzy boomtown, make you bad for two or three years,
and then the true evil begins. You get lucky in the lottery, getting
the most evil and overhyped player in a decade. This allows you to
sell hats, shirts, and jock straps with your team's logo, thus lining
your pockets without having to do a bit of work. Then, when it seems
that you will overtake an underachieving team in the standings, thus
entering the playoffs through blind luck and inept management, The
Franchise Maker forces the other team to get in on a tie-breaker.
FRANK: That's when the evil REALLY kicks in. The Franchise Maker then gives
you the top pick for the second straight year, and forces a nervous GM
from another team to swing a deal insuring that you should be
successful for over a decade.
[Back on Satellite of Love; Crow and Tom are back to normal, but all three
still wear the afro wigs.]
JOEL: Evil! You're evil!
TOM: That's worse than Mr B Natural!
[Back in Deep 13]
DR F: Ah, glad you approve. Now, you're post for today comes from that
fountain of spewage known as rec.sport.basketball.pro.
FRANK: And boy, is it gonna hurt.
DR F: The poster is one of my favorites, because of he unwittingly spreads
evil throughout the land. It's by Roy Navarre, and I hope it goes down
hard. Push the button, Frank.
FRANK [Holding a Pizza Hut Streetball]: Hey chumps! Wanna pain? [He shoots
the ball at the button.]
[Back on SOL; lights are flashing, etc]
JOEL: Oh no, we've got woofing siiiiiiiiign!
6...5...4...3...2...1...
[Joel, Tom, and Crow enter the theater and sit. Joel removes their wigs.]
CROW: Hey, careful.
Roy Navarre writes
JOEL: Oh, this one is going to hurt, fellas. May as well lay back and enjoy
it.
TOM: I hope Connie Chung didn't hear that.
>Let us examine Egos.
TOM: Oh, the irony.
CROW: I'd rather examine the Laker cheerleaders.
>The average clueless netter
JOEL: ...wrote this.
>(ie yourself)
JOEL: Oh.
CROW: Pot, kettle, black.
TOM: Oh jeez, you're quoting *Marek*?
>probaly thinks Shaq has a monster ego.
JOEL: And he'd be right.
>However, any of you who have talked to him know
>that he is very down to earth and unassuming.
CROW: Oh, yeah, he is your secret special friend and he stays at your house
and when he comes over your mom lets you stay up late even on school
nights and you play with Hot Wheels and watch Starsky and Hutch and...
JOEL: Uh, Crow, you made your point.
TOM: You also know that he really needs to brush more. Pfyew!
>Despite being perhaps the most heralded
CROW: Miner
JOEL: I thought he played for the Heat.
>College player and NBA rookie _ever_
TOM: What about Russel, Chamberlain, Robertson, Pistol Pete, Magic Johnson,
Larry Bird? Don't you know ANY history? Who do you think you are?
JOEL: An American?
TOM: Oh, of course...
>and his albums/movies/endorsements/magazine covers etc etc etc he remains
>down to earth.
CROW: So in spite of all these ego trips, he is just like you and me.
TOM: Yeah...
>What Shaq is, is young and 'cool.'
CROW: ... and gay as ol' Paris...
JOEL: Uh, Crow, ...
>He is only 22, still has a lot of maturing to do.
TOM: Take a hint, there, Roy.
>Right now, being 'cool' is of paramount importance to him.
JOEL: I didn't know he'd signed with Paramount.
CROW (surfer dude voice): Well, Paramount is "cool", dude, and that's all he
cares about, not improving his free throw shooting, or planning for
the future, or working hard, or learning basic fundamentals. All that
stuff is so lame.
>He has a kids mentality in that respect.
JOEL: I guess that explains his Barney bedsheets.
TOM: Hm, that also explains why he and Oski are always seen cruising around
grade schools.
>You can see that 'coolness' is important to him by the movies he likes,
CROW: Yeah, there's "Cool World", "Ice Station Zebra", "The Day the Earth
Froze", ...
>(ex he wants to be the bad guy in the next terminator),
JOEL: Given his performance in "Blue Chips", I think playing a robot would be
perfect for him.
TOM: Why do you say that?
JOEL: Because robots can't express emotion, and ... oh, sorry guys.
CROW: You are in DEEP trouble, Robinson.
>the video games he plays,
TOM: Some people base their identity on their families, or their work, or
their friends. Shaq? On meaningless computer-generated drivel.
CROW: Oh, he works at IBM.
>his rap music (isnt all rap music just different ways of saying
>'Im bad! Im bad!),
CROW: I think it's just a different way of making money.
JOEL: I think it's just a different way of annoying grownups.
TOM: I think it's a musical development, with a basis in James Brown's early
recordings in the late 50s and early 60s, that represents the harsh
and often desperate situations that many young African Americans find
themselves in these days.
CROW: Servo, you are such a kiss-up.
>his desire to shatter a backboard, tear goals down etc.
TOM (simple child voice): Mommy, why does Shaq destroy?
JOEL (suburban housewife voice): Because he thinks the world hurts him, so he
hurts back.
>Undoubtedly, Shaq wants to be cool.
CROW (newscaster voice): This just in: Shaq has been arrested for public
indecency after he was found sitting naked on a block of dry ice in a
public park in Orlando. When asked why, Shaq responded "I just want to
be cool."
>However, wanting to be cool and having a huge ego are two very different
>things.
TOM: Doesn't mean they can't go together, Roy.
>Now lets go over to somebody with a real ego.
CROW: Streisand?
TOM: Shaq?
JOEL: Roy?
TOM: Chief?
CROW: McCloud!
>David "goody two shoes" Robinson.
JOEL: Yeah, that huge ego of his. That's why he went to Navy instead of LSU
and served two years in the military.
>Listen to his snide comments when somebody asks him about Shaq. (jealous)
CROW: What snide comments?
TOM: His refusing to hype Shaq and offer to lick his feet.
>Watch his screaming temper tantrum at the ref.
CROW: It's called intensity.
>Watch him get those garbage points time and time again.
TOM: Wait, is he describing Shaq or Robinson?
>How about that Clipper game?
JOEL: Uh, Roy, *any* points against the Clippers this year come at garbage
time.
>He has 64 points with just over a minute to go and his team starts fouling
>so he can get more points?
TOM (sarcastic voice): Oh, and I suppose the great Shaquille O'Neal would
never allow *that* to happen.
CROW (sarcastic): Oh, no, Shaq is just too cool.
>Watch his response after the game when asked if "he had second thoughts
>about staying in the game so long."
JOEL: Watch! A Viking funeral!
TOM: See! Hitler on ice!
>Now Robinson is a great center, and no doubt a good guy,
CROW: Oh, brilliant; Robinson pads his stats worse than Roger Corman with a
walking sequence, so he's not that good a center, and he has a huge
ego, so he's a mean guy, but he's a great center and a good guy! Joel,
what is this poster's deal?!
JOEL: Easy, buddy, remeber this is Roy Navarre's post; and don't forget that
Roy *is* an LSU fan.
CROW: I'm sorry, I guess I should have seen it coming.
>but when he talks it is crystal clear that he _really_ _really_ really likes
>himself.
TOM: And that's ... okay.
>If he wasnt so big, he'd be one of the nerds that gets beaten up all the
>time in high school.
JOEL: Uh, Roy, you're getting into a whole wierd area of unresolved childhood
hangups. Take some prozac.
CROW: Oh, I think Roy has some real personal experience in those high school
beatings.
>Pinhead
TOM: What a fitting nickname. Let's get out of here.
1...2...3...4...5...6...
CROW: Geez, Joel, what is WITH this guy? Robinson goes out and scores 71
points in a game with the Clippers and all this Roy Navarre can do is
try to discredit Robinson so he can make his hero and wet dream
partner Shaq look better?
TOM: Yeah, Joel, this just doesn't make sense. I mean, Robinson becomes only
the fourth or fifth guy to hit the 70 point barrier in an NBA game and
instead of being a man about it, this guy, who calls himself "Pinhead"
by the way, doesn't even acknowledge that it is one heck of an
accomplishment.
JOEL: Well, guys, it's called "having a life". You see, a lot of people use
the net as a form of social interaction. They don't have the social
skills or maturity to make friends, so they turn to the computer
networks. Unfortunately, this lack of maturity and communication also
hampers them on the net. An additional problem on the sports groups is
that some people will identify themselves with a team or a player and
try to live vicariously through them. To compound it, these folks
usually don't know what they are talking about, and this gets pointed
out rather bluntly on a worldwide medium. So they get defensive and
start belittling their heroes' competitors in an effort to make
themselves look better. We should all encourage these folks to get
outside, meet people, and make friends. Who know: maybe someday you
might even get to go out on a date.
TOM: Think about it, won't you? Thank you.
JOEL: Goodnight.
CROW (Red Skelton voice): And may God bless!
T-Bone
"Whaddya think, sirs?"
Timothy J Lehnerer
>In article <2pm2lm$9...@paperboy.gsfc.nasa.gov> bur...@lobster.gsfc.nasa.gov writes:
><writing attempt that makes Marek look like a nobel laureate deleted>
Your post? I agree wholeheartedly. Though I really think
Joel would have stopped Crow from saying "wet dream partner".
>>T-Bone
>>"Whaddya think, sirs?"
>I think you will always be a minor player pork chop.
Wow...out of all the things said about you from that
article, this is the best you can do for a retort.
>Pinhead (hey, how can I get one of these NASA jobs?)
Learning to read would be a good start.
--
Tim Lehnerer--Feckless Heathen |"The shadow hanging over me is no
mut...@uxa.ecn.bgu.edu |trick of the light." --The Pogues
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Roy Navarre
<writing attempt that makes Marek look like a nobel laureate deleted>
>"Whaddya think, sirs?"
I think you will always be a minor player pork chop.
Pinhead (hey, how can I get one of these NASA jobs?)
--