MST3Kd: "Global Alert For All: Jesus is Coming Soon"
David G White
are calling!
Mike: [runs in wearing only a towel] What? So soon? Stall while I change!
[Cut to Deep 13]
Dr. F:Oh, hello, you disgusting little robot. Is the real person there?
I'd like to talk to him.
[Back to the S.O.L.]
Crow: Um...he's darning his socks. That's it! Darning his socks!
Tom: [wandering in] Really? How come I just saw him running past the load
pan bay naked as a jaybird?
Crow: Shut up! Shut up!
Mike: [running in fully dressed] Okay, I'm here! I'm here!
Crow: Mike! How nice to see you again. How are the socks?
Tom: What socks?
Mike: Crow, have you been lying to the Mads again?
[Back to Deep 13]
Dr. F:Oh, Nelson, you're there. I thought you were darning your socks. No
matter. Hate to send you something like this twice in one day, but
carpe diem!
Frank:Seize the day! That's what all the optimists say!
Dr. F:Er, right. Well, anyhow, we've got this bad little ditty called
"Global Alert For All: Jesus is Coming Soon." It's a little piece
of mixed theology and just plain old gloom and doom prophecy.
Send it up, Frank.
Frank:I thought that was their job.
Dr. F:Push the button, you moron!
Frank:Oh, why didn't you say so? [presses the button]
[The S.O.L. again]
Mike: Ah! We've got apocalypse sign!
G...6...5...4...3...2...1
> Clarence L. Thomas IV <clar...@orion.cc.andrews.edu> writes:
> The earthquake in Los Angeles, California, the flood in Europe, the
> seemingly unstoppable war in the former Yugoslavia, the devastating
> fires in Australia,
Mike: The popularity of "SeaQuest: DSV."
> the flood in the Midwest of the United States of
> America, the devastating fires near Los Angeles, California,
Crow: The death of River Phoenix.
> the rapid
> and appalling increase in violence in cities, towns, villages all over
> the world, the famines, the diseases,
Tom: The Cable Ace Awards.
> the rapid decline of the family
> unit, and the destructive earthquake in India (in 1993)
Mike: I see, so destructive earthquakes everywhere else don't count?
> are signs that
> this world's history is coming to a climax.
Crow: Well, it looks like she likes it rough. Heh heh.
Mike: Crow!
> The human race has trampled
> on God's Constitution, as given in Exodus 20:1-17 (King James Version
> Bible),
Tom: Remember to use the King James Version. All other versions are
PER-versions!
> and Jesus is coming to set things right. These rapidly
> accelerating signs are an indication that Jesus is coming soon (Matthew
> 24).
Crow: [Singing] Jesus is coming, the goose is getting fat. Please to put a
penny in the old man's hat...
Mike: Hey! Cut that out! It's sacreligious!
> God's Holy Spirit is gradually withdrawing its protection from the earth
> and the devastating events you see are demonstrations of Satan's power.
Crow: Mike, I'm a little fuzzy on this whole Holy Trinity thing. How does
it work?
Mike: Well, imagine a triangle...
Tom: Really? I've always thought of it as more of a Venn Diagram...
Mike: You too, hunh? Interesting...
> All those who are not guarded by God are in danger of forever losing
> eternal life.
Tom: And when you can't be guarded by Jesus, It's nice to know that
you've got a helping hand at Allstate insurance.
> If you want to know what's about to happen, please study the books of
> Daniel and Revelation which are located in God's Word, the Bible.
Mike: Or, alternitavely, you could order the Apocalypse Triplecast from
your local cable operator.
> They
> are not sealed or closed books. They can and must be understood by all.
Crow: And misinterpreted by many.
> Every word in the Bible from Genesis to Revelation is true.
Tom: Except for the bits they had to cut out.
Crow: Oh, like the fourth book of Maccabees?
Mike: How do you guys know about this stuff?
> The Bible
> and the Bible only must be your guide.
Mike: Now in this convenient edition, with the words "Don't Panic"
reassuringly printed on the cover.
> When God's Law (the Constitution for the Universe) is consistently
> ignored, disregarded, changed, and questioned, He permits certain events
> to occur to wake us up.
Tom: Well, then, he shouldn't have made any provisions for amendments in
the constitution if he gets so upset. Picky, picky!
> I would urge all, wherever you are and regardless
> of the circumstances, to directly call on Jesus and ask Him to intervene
> in your life.
Mike: Operator? Information. Get me Jesus on the line!
> Jesus who created this planet and every living creature in
> it and on it, died on the cross, was raised from the dead by God the
> Father,
All: Seen it.
> and is now in Heaven interceding for you. Jesus is the only One
Crow: And all I ever needed was the One...
Mike: One singular sensation...
Tom: One is the loneliest number that you'll ever see...
> who can rescue us from the slavery, misery, and death Satan is causing
> us.
Mike: Nah. Sounds more like a job for Superman.
> For reference I'm including God's Constitution as given in the King
> James Version Bible. Please note that when God says the seventh day, he
> means Sabbath
Tom: Oh, Black Sabbath?
> (the 7th day of the week) not Sunday (1st day of the
> week).
>
> Commandment #1: Exodus 20:1-3 (KJV) And God
Mike: Oh, here I thought he was onto something new. He's just reciting the
Ten Commandments! I know these already!
Crow: Really? What are they?
Mike: Um, thou shalt not steal, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ox
until you have walked a mile in his moccassins...I forget.
> spake all these words, saying, I am
> the LORD thy God, which have brought
> thee out of the land of Egypt, out
> of the house of bondage.
Crow: Hmmm. Kinky!
Tom: I wonder if it's anything like the House of Sin?
> Thou shalt have
> no other gods before me.
Tom: But I might just allow a few gods after me.
> Commandment #2: Exodus 20:4-6 (KJV) Thou shalt not make
> unto thee any graven image, or any
> likeness of any thing that is in heaven
> above, or that is in the earth beneath,
> or that is in the water under the earth.
Mike: Gee, I guess God isn't too keen on sculpture.
Crow: No kidding!
> And shewing mercy unto thousands of them
> that love me, and keep my commandments.
>
> Commandment #3: Exodus 20:7 (KJV) Thou shalt not take
> the name of the LORD thy God in vain;
> for the LORD will not hold him
> guiltless that taketh his name in vain.
Crow: I wonder if it was okay to say "Jesus H. Christ" before 0 A.D.?
Mike: Sure, but what would you want to say it for?
Crow: Good point.
> Commandment #4: Exodus 20:8-11 (KJV) Remember the sabbath
> day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou
> labour, and do all thy work:
Mike: No way! If I work six days you're gonna pay me overtime, all-
powerful supreme being or not!
> But the
> seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD
> thy God: in it thou shalt not do any
> work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter,
> thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor
> thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is
> within thy gates:
Tom: Okay! We get the idea!
> For in six days the
> LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and
> all that in them is, and rested the seventh
> day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath
> day, and hallowed it.
>
> Commandment #5: Exodus 20:12 (KJV) Honour thy father and thy
> mother:
Crow: But if you've divorced them, skip this opne.
> that thy days may be long upon the
> land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.
>
> Commandment #6: Exodus 20:13 (KJV) Thou shalt not kill.
Mike: Except when I tell you to.
> Commandment #7: Exodus 20:14 (KJV) Thou shalt not commit
> adultery.
Crow: Unless you happen to be King of Israel, in which case it's O.K.
> Commandment #8: Exodus 20:15 (KJV) Thou shalt not steal.
>
> Commandment #9: Exodus 20:16 (KJV) Thou shalt not bear
> false witness against thy neighbour.
>
> Commandment #10: Exodus 20:17 (KJV) Thou shalt not covet
> thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not
> covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his
> manservant, nor his maidservant, nor
> his ox, nor his ass,
Crow: Whoah!
Mike: He means his donkey, you moron!
> nor any thing that
> is thy neighbour's.
Mike: You know, this King James guy really had a thing for wives and
manservants and maidservants and cattle...
> I also recommend that the following books be obtained and closely
> studied:
Tom: And now a list of God's favorite books.
> The Great Controversy
> By Ellen G. White
> Review and Herald Publishing Association
> Hagerstown, MD 21740
Crow: The controversy being whether or not to burn the book or just not
buy it.
> The Desire of the Ages
> By Ellen G. White
> Review and Herald Publishing Association
> Hagerstown, MD 21740
>
> Patriarchs and Prophets
> By Ellen G. White
> Review and Hearld Publishing Association
> Hagerstown, MD 21740
Mike: You know, God really likes this Ellen G. White...
> Daniel and the Revelation
> By Uriah Smith
> Review and Herald Publishing Association
> Hagerstown, MD 21740
> -------
> Clarence L. Thomas IV
> Phone: 616-471-6116
> E-mail: tho...@redwood.cc.andrews.edu
Tom: Well, there's one guy who'll have more than a couple messages on his
machine in the morning!
Mike: Come on, let's get out of here.
1...2...3...4...5...6...G
[The interior of the S.O.L.]
Mike: Wow, that was eye-opening.
Crow: I'll say!
Tom: You know, I never believed that anyone would take the Bible so
literally!
Mike: Well, there are parts of the Bible that should be taken literally,
like the ten commandments, and other parts that should be analyzed
symbolically, like the book of Revelations.
Crow: Yeah, and where in the Bible does it say that Ellen G. White is
God's favorite author?
Mike: I think you're missing the point, Crow...
Tom: Well, how should I take the part about the golden hemmorhoids?
Mike: Where's that?
Tom: 2 Samuel 5 I think...
Mike: Let me see...
Crow: Well, at least I can live in comfort knowing that no-one will ever
believe this crackpot!
[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank poke their heads above a huge
pile of sandbags]
Dr. F:Well, it's like I always say, when you know the Apocalypse is coming
you have no excuse for being ill-prepared. Did you bring everything
Frank?
Frank:Sure. Canned foods...check. Oxygen recycler...check. Geiger counter
...check. We've got this Apocalypse thing nailed!
Dr. F:Come on, let's go lock ourselves in the blast shelter. Until next
time, Boobie!
[Roll Credits]
Frank:[voice-over] Oh, wait. I think I forgot the can opener...
------
Credits:
MSTified by David White
Disclaimer: MST3K and related characters/settings/situations are the
property of BBI, however they had nothing to do with writing this up.
This mystification was done for the express purpose of entertainment,
and is not meant as a personal attack on the original author(s) in any
way.
------
> The human race has trampled on God's Constitution, as given in Exodus
> 20:1-17 (King James Version Bible), and Jesus is coming to set things
> right.
------
DAVID WHITE, dw...@andrew.cmu.edu
"Those who induce these stressors on you, were individually not your
friends in the first place, for they wish through these stressors to
either brainwash you, transvalue your sex, or even kill you with
alphabet soup."
--Owen W. Gustafson