[MiSTed] Lessons of History (4/4)
Matthew Miller
/...6...5...4...3...2...o
>
>
>From: E_Ho...@postoffice.utas.edu.au (Captain Cellulite)
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW ST:TNG/DS9-DC Superman Crossover (10/11) "Lessons of History"
>Date: 29 Jul 1996 01:12:09 GMT
>Organization: University of Tasmania
>Lines: 202
>Message-ID: <E_Hodges-2907961113240001@mg4_67.its.utas.edu.au>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: mg4_67.its.utas.edu.au
>
>Lessons of History
>(Star Trek TNG, DS9/DC-Superman Crossover) Part 10
[ Mike and bots come in and sit down ]
>
> Clark, Data, Odo, and Julian Bashir surprisingly,
MIKE: ...were playing a game of Twister.
CROW: Wow, that *is* surprising.
TOM: Left pseudopod on green!
> sat at the controls
>of the runabout. Julian opened the communication channel to the station,
>"This is runabout Rio Grande requesting permission to depart." He waited.
> The response came. "This is Deep Space Nine, request granted."
> Data worked the flight controls. "Initiating take off procedure."
TOM: Pretending I know what I'm doing...
MIKE: Accentuating the positive, eliminating the negative...
CROW: Filibustering vigilantly...
>
> The Wormhole opened as a massive sphere appeared. The still crippled
>Enterprise pulled away from the station. The Farragaut closed to assist.
>The sphere darted towards them. The two Starships evaded. The Rio Grande
>closed.
TOM: Then they honored their partners and do-si-do'd.
> Another runabout escaped from the station, then a bolian freighter
CROW: A what? A bouillon freighter?
>detached itself and fled.
CROW: Must have gotten reports of an epidemic of schoolchildren with colds.
> The sphere closed on it. The Rio Grande turned
>and fired a few short phaser bursts. The sphere ignored them as it struck
>the unprotected freighter with an energy burst, collapsing to in a
>percussive explosion.
>
> "Dammit," Bashir cursed.
TOM [Bashir]: But still, better them than us, y'know?
> "Bring us in closer." Clark ordered.
>
> The sphere closed on the two starships. Both Enterprise and Farragaut
>let fly with a barrage of photons. They slid though the shields and
>slammed into the vessel, leaving ugly black scars on its surface. Then the
>starships darted off into warp. The sphere listed a little, repositioning
>itself to attack the station.
>The Cyborg watched the retreating starships with faint disappointment.
>"Cowards," He muttered.
> "Sir," one of his androids reported,
CROW: This just in, the attackers have picked up their baseball and gone home.
> "a small vessel is moving in." It
>turned to the Cyborg, "It has a Kyptonian lifeform onboard."
>The Cyborg's eyes went flat, "Let them though."
>
> "A opening has appeared in the vessels hull." Data reported.
> "It might be a trick," Odo warned.
> "No," Clark said, "that's what I expected. Take us in."
> Julian looked worried, "I hope you know what you're doing."
MIKE: I'm getting this fanfic over with nice and quick, that's what I'm doing.
>The ship moved into position, landing on the deck. The opening behind them
>started to close. They looked out of the forward view ports to see a whole
>battalion of androids standing outside with weapons raised.
> Clark sized them up. "You stay in here," he advised, "I'll deal with
>this." He pulled off his clothes to reveal his costume.
TOM: His birthday costume, that is. Heh heh.
> "This is a job for
>Superman."
> The hatch opened. Clark walked boldly out, "Hello, I'm looking for the
>Cyborg." Without a word they opened fire. Clark didn't even notice it.
>"Bad programming," He muttered. He flew straight into the nearest android,
>knocking it to the ground, turned over, and smashed another to pieces. He
>continued his reconstruction of the androids much to the bemusment of his
>allies in the runabout.
CROW: Hold on here. The first time these androids attack him, they nearly knock
him for a loop. Now he's ripping them up like Lego brick houses?
MIKE: Please, don't be asking for sense this late in the fanfic.
> "Is he showing off?" Asked Julian.
> "I believe he trying to minimise the risk to the rest of us." Data said.
> The last of the androids were cleared away. Clark reentred the cabin.
>"Its safe now. We should make our way to the command centre." They got up
>to leave. Clark turned to Julian. "Stay here and hold the fort."
> "What?! What if one of you are hurt?" He exclaimed.
> "Doctor," Clark assured, "I can't be helped if I'm hurt, Data doesn't
>need a doctor,
CROW: He just needs his legs rotated every 3,000 miles.
> and as for Odo - I don't know, but we do need someone here
>to keep the runabout ready for launch."
TOM: For about five seconds, before running off after us.
MIKE: Oh, you probably want Ernest Penfold.
> Julian sat petulantly while Odo, Data and Clark cased the scene. Data,
>once again, had phaser compression rifle, tricorder, and toolkit. Odo, on
>the other hand, had a standard Bajoran sidearm. Clark looked into a
>hallway and scanned it with his
>X-Ray vision. He whispered back, "Looks like this place is wired for
>sound, be careful what you say." He turned back. "Where's Odo?" He asked
>Data.
> Data replied, "He has gone to find an alternative route."
> "Will he be all right?" Clark asked concerned.
> "I believe he will be fine."
> "Come on, we don't have time to waste."
> Clark and Data crept through corridors. Occasionally coming across
>androids and getting rid of them.
CROW: We'll spare you the details of our miraculous escape.
> "I do not understand the need for stealth." Data commented confusedly.
> "Shhh." Clark hushed, putting a finger to his lips.
>
> "Cyborg! The Kyptonian and the Android have penetrated our defences."
>An android reported.
> "I know, I know!" The Cyborg turned in his command chair, "Why is he
>creeping around for!" He ground his teeth impotently. "Let us give him an
>incentive to speeden his pace."
>
> "Interesting." Data commented,
MIKE: Huh? What? I thought Data said "Intriguing", not "Interesting"!
> "There seem to be no Data transfer
>conduits anywhere though this ship."
TOM: Sorry, Data, you're just gonna have to walk.
> "The Cyborg probably deals with that himself," Clark surmised.
> "Could he coordinate an entire vessel?"
> "Not when I knew him, but that was over three hundred years ago."
> Data nodded, "Hmm."
> "Clark Kent!" a voice boomed throughout the ship, "Come and be killed,
>or I shall content myself with killing others. I could easily destroy this
>puny station, and the planet as well if I so wished, but I'm a reasonable
>Cyborg; Come to me now and be destroyed, or have others die in your
>stead!"
MIKE: I'd say he's a bit on the aggressive side.
> "Come on, we don't have time to waste." He got up and ran. Data
>followed. For the first time in his life, Data found that he was finding
>it hard to keep with someone. He filed that away for further analysis.
>
> Clark entered a cavernous room filled with controls and terminals. It
>was at least twenty metres high and swept away in all directions. In one
>corner, two casks,
TOM: ...of Amontillado?
MIKE: Not *again*!
> similar to the one Clark was found in, sat against a
>wall. Along one wall, a huge screen displayed Deep Space Nine. "You're
>parents Clark."
CROW: Huh? He's parents? Both of them?
MIKE: Must be a super-hermaphrodite.
> A voice commented, offhand. Clark tuned to see the Cyborg
>lounging indolently against a computer terminal. He looked slightly better
>than Clark remembered. The half organic face was still a clone of Clark's
>own, even down to the long hair, but no longer was there the skeleton like
>implants. Instead, an idealised face in golden metal covered the
>artificial half of his face. The eye, a rounded sapphire like lens,
>gleamed with an evil shine. His body still an angular golden metal form.
> "You've certainly improved in appearance since I last saw you Cyborg."
>Clark conceded in the same tone, "But why do you keep that ridiculous
>organic face?"
TOM: Right about now John McLaughlin would start shouting "WRONG!"
> "My, My," The Cyborg wondered, "has the twenty fourth century made you
>blasé? I hold your parents and your love, I threaten a station full of
>innocent people, and you great me like an old friend." He turned his
>organic side to them. "It's an affectation, Like a trademark. Besides, It
>still kind of frightens people, and of course the best reason; It reminds
>me of you." The Cyborg sauntered up to them. "What a cute android you
>have," He said with an ingenuous show of marvel, he reached out to touch
>Data's face. Instead Data grabbed his arm.
> "I do not recommend that you do that," Data warned
MIKE: I have bionic herpes.
> "Do you want to pit your body against mine android?" He asked
>pugnaciously, "I don't recommend it. I've spent three centuries perfecting
>this body." He looked into Data's eyes, trying to gain a foot hold in his
>neural net. "faugh!" The Cyborg finally said in disgust, pulling his hand
>free of Data's grip, "Your of no use to me."
> "Prove to me that they are my parents." Clark challenged.
> The Cyborg gave him a vicious grin "No," He said, "I have a whole star
>system of people I could use to blackmail you with Superman, so I won't be
>needing your parents any more." He turned to the casks lying in the
>corner, raising his arm as it turned into a phaser cannon.
TOM: Now that's a slick trick.
CROW: He's not just a cyborg, he's a...Transformer?
> He waved his
>other hand at the casks, "Bye bye." He aimed.
> Clark grabbed his arm just in time. The phaser blast missed the casks
>by centimetres gouging out a section of the floor. The Cyborg smashed his
>other arm down on Clark's neck without effect. Clark swung the Cyborg onto
>the floor. The cannon went off again. It struck Clark on the chest. Clark
>did not stop. He pulled the cannon/arm
MIKE: Cannon...arm...arm...cannon...whichever it is.
> off the Cyborg and threw it over to
>the other side of the room. "Data, check the casks," He called. The Cyborg
>engaged a pair of rockets placed in his calf. The two when crashing into
>the ceiling. Clark pulled his arm back and smashed the Cyborg's head off.
TOM: Oh, so *that's* how you stop the Black Knight?
>The head fell to the floor with a metal clang. Clark let the limp body
>drop as he floated down.
> Data had the casks open, looking them over with his tricorder. Clark
>looked inside. He saw the form of his parents in repose. "Are they -
>Real?" Clark asked.
> Data nodded. "They are unconscious. However they will need medical
>attention."
CROW: Well, ah, considering they're 300+ years old now...
> "Take them to Dr. Bashir in the runabout."
> Data looked at Clark's cape, "You're Cape is torn." Data magically
>handed Clark another Superman Cape,
TOM: Okay, that clinches it! Data *is* a fan-bot!
CROW: Probably puts on his homemade costume and runs around making whooshing
sounds when nobody's watching.
MIKE: Ah, c'mon now, I'm sure Jimmy Olsen is a Trekker, too.
> "Here is a replacement. I will take
>your parents back."
> Clark confusedly put on the replacement cape.
> "Oh Kent, over here." The Cyborg sang. He appeared identical to his
>last body. "I've got lots of replacements, If you've got lots of time." He
>taunted.
TOM: So if he's got lots of replacements...
MIKE: Yeah...
TOM: ...and can control an entire ship...
MIKE: Yeah?
TOM: ...why doesn't he send them all after Clark at once?
CROW: His insurance payments would go through the roof.
MIKE: Oh, yeah.
> Data picked up the casks and parents with discernible effort and left
>quickly.
> "Oh Data," The Cyborg said in a mock-despondent tone, "are you leaving
>us so soon? That's a shame." Data ignored him. "Now do watch out for those
>nasty androids wont you. Tah tah" Data walked out the door. "And don't
>play with any bug eyed monsters," The Cyborg called after him. He
>chuckled.
> "I don't find you amusing Cyborg," Clark warned.
> The Cyborg angrily turned to him, "I don't care whether you find me
>amusing or not! All I care about is seeing you die." The Cyborg rushed
>him. Clark stood as the Cyborg closed on him like an express train. Clark
>reached his arm back and punched him back the length of the room. The
>Cyborg crumpled. After a while,
MIKE: What, isn't Superman going to grab his folks and Lois and skedaddle?
TOM: No, he has to show off his super-testosterone.
> It stood back up. "Right," He said, "just
>for that, its kill Lois time!"
ALL [singing to the tune of the Howdy Doody song]: It's kill Lois time, it's
kill Lois time...
> The Cyborg turned on his heal
CROW: Well, it should be easy enough to make his healing turn off, then.
> and rushed
>through the next door. Clark followed him. As he walked though the
>doorway, a massive lead door slammed behind him.
> Clark stood in a dark room. This too was filled with controls. One area
>was raised in a platform configuration. Another area was filled with a
>sparkling light. Behind it, Lois stood trembling. He called out to her.
> "Clark!" She wailed desperately, running to the edge of the light. She
>seemed to hit the light.
MIKE [`punching' the air]: You lousy light! Get away from me!
> She staggered back, still calling.
>Clark looked for the Cyborg in the gloom. He found him at a terminal.
TOM: So is the Cyborg a `him' or an `it' or a `her' or what?
CROW: Hmmmm...I suspect by now we're all thinking "What?"
>"Alright Cyborg, let her go."
> The Cyborg blew him a raspberry. Clark rushed the Cyborg. He drew back
>his hand and hit him.
CROW: Huh? Who hit who?
TOM: No, he hit him.
MIKE: Huh? Who? Hoo hah!
> Only a few times in his life had Clark felt such
>pain. His hand throbbed as he looked at it, astonished.
> The Cyborg laughed a raucous laugh, "Welcome to my domain Kent!" The
>Cyborg flicked his hand ever so delicately. He sent Clark flying.
TOM: Aw, he's sending Clark off for flying lessons.
> Clark
>hit the ground with a hard thump. His head swam. "This is your Captain
>speaking," Joked the Cyborg evilly, "If you look to your left you will see
>a curtesy Kryptonite radiation emitter. Especially designed to rob
>annoying Kryptonians of their powers," He laughed loudly.
CROW: Heh, Kryptonite again. Of course.
> "What have you done?" Clark wheezed.
> "You see Kent," The Cyborg began, "I had the technology to kill you,
>but where's the fun in that? so I modified the radiation so it would take
>away all of your powers." He walked over and picked Clark up by the
>collar, lifting him easily. "So that now I am the powerful one and you are
>the weak one." The Cyborg laughed again, dropping Clark to the floor. He
>turned back to the controls. "This ship has served its purpose, so I will
>use It to enhance me." He stood at the centre of the platform. A light
>began to Infuse him. More and more It grew. It engulfed him, making the
>room brighter and brighter.
MIKE: What, is he trying to disco Clark to death?
> Clark could no longer bear to look into that
>light as the Cyborg was infused with the entire ship's energy. The field
>that held Lois flickered and died. She ran over to Clark, huddling to him.
>The light died. From it, the Cyborg appeared. Electric bolts sluiced off
>his body. He stood in an ethereal light.
>He looked at the pair on the floor. "Now Clark Kent," It said, "With the
>power from this ship, I shall tear you limb from limb - weakling."
TOM: Then the life-support systems conked out and everybody died. The end!
>
>--
>-- Can't think of a good sig..................................sorry--
>
>
>From: E_Ho...@postoffice.utas.edu.au (Captain Cellulite)
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW ST:TNG/DS9-DC Superman Crossover (11/11) "Lessons of History"
>Date: 29 Jul 1996 01:12:16 GMT
>Organization: University of Tasmania
>Lines: 167
>Message-ID: <E_Hodges-2907961113310001@mg4_67.its.utas.edu.au>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: mg4_67.its.utas.edu.au
>
>*"Now Clark Kent," It said, "With the power from this ship, I shall tear
>you limb from limb - weakling."* -Cyborg
CROW: *"Now Evan Hodges," It said, "Try to decide whether you're using dialogue
or a quote - dangit."* -Crow T. Robot
>
>Lessons of History
>(Star Trek TNG, DS9/DC-Superman Crossover) Part 11
>
> Clark's cape stirred. It began to alter, ever so slightly, from within
>its form, a standard Bajoran sidearm appeared. It fired directly at the
>radiation emitter. The emitter exploded in a shower of sparks.
> "What?!" The Cyborg demanded.
> The cape shifted into the form of Constable Odo, Chief of station security.
TOM: After all, he *is* the only one on the station nearly as neat as Superman.
> The Cyborg's eyes went flat. "DIE you shapeshifting FREAK!" He fired a
>withering burst of energy at the Constable. A burst that he was barely
>able to evade in time.
> Clark stood up as his powers returned. He turned to Odo, who was lying
>on the floor. "Look after her." He said. He looked at Lois. "Remember," He
>said, "no matter what happens, I will always love you." He turned back to
>the Cyborg as Odo helped her out of the room. "It ends here Henshaw!" He
>bellowed.
MIKE: Isn't this sweet? He used one whole sentence out of a seven-sentence
paragraph to say 'bye to Lois.
> "Fine with me Superman." The Cyborg growled.
> The struggle was impossible. The last son of Krypton smashed at the
>shields the Cyborg was able to erect while the Cyborg blasted massive
>bursts of energy right into the teeth of the man of steel. Soon it became
>apparent who would win. The Cyborg's shields began to buckle under the
>sheer stress of Clark's massive punches.
> "You will never defeat me Kent." The Cyborg Howled.
> "If there's one thing Data taught me on the Enterprise, its never put
>all your eggs in the one basket,"
CROW: Huh? What? Where did that come from?
TOM: Must be Aesop's Fanfic.
> Clark smashed at the Cyborg's weakening
>shields. The Cyborg began to become unstable. "Looks like you're headed
>for a warp core breach there, Henshaw."
> With one mighty blow, the Cyborg's shield collapsed. Light began to
>appear between the joints in his armour as an explosion began to erupt in
>side his body.
> "I've got to leave you now Henshaw," Clark added urbanely, "I hope you
>don't mind."
> "Come back Kent! I'm not finished with you, you Kryptonian BASTARD!"
>The Cyborg disappeared as he was engulfed in an energy surge with only one
>outcome.
MIKE: Cyborg Krispies.
> Clark looked around quickly, found what he was looking for, and tore a
>panel out of the wall. Behind it, he found a plasma conduit. He ripped an
>access panel out of the conduit and stuffed the blazing Cyborg in. He
>closed it again and tushed to a terminal.
CROW: Ahem. Insert smarty comment here.
> He deciphered the controls and
>began to work furiously.
>
> Clark reached the Runabout in record time, even for Superman. He saw
>Odo helping Lois into the runabout. "Data!" he shouted. "We need to get
>this ship out of here! It's gonna blow!"
> Data appeared from the hatch. "That would destroy the station and
>possibly the wormhole with it."
> "I've taken care of that Data! Just get us out of here."
TOM: Let's go, no time for technobabble now!
MIKE, CROW: REALLY?!
> "Clark," Lois asked, puffing from exertion, "What's going on? Who are
>these people?"
> "It's gonna take a while to explain Lois," he assured. He gave a Dr.
>Bashir a concerned look, "How are my parents?"
> "They'll be unconscious for a couple of hours," he said, "but their out
>of danger."
CROW: Lois is awake, Ma and Pa Kent are unconscious. This is because...?
> Data sat in the pilot seat and steered the runabout around. "How will
>we open the door?"
> "Torpedos, Data," Clark explained. He moved to the launcher controls.
>Having learnt a great deal on the Enterprise. He was able to set the
>torpedos to the right range and target.
> "I must remind you," Data warned, "that a torpedo detonation will
>destroy the runabout."
> Clark winked, "Just watch."
> The launchers fired their torpedos. The blazing torpedos smashed
>through the hatch, but the photons continued on their journey away from
>the ship. Clark pressed the detonation control. The torpedo's exploded far
>from anything to do any damage. Data punched the runabout out of the
>sphere ship.
> Odo called to the computer, "Rear visual." The screen showed the
>vessel, dead in space. Then, in a flash of light, the vessel lurched badly
>into warp. Far from both station and wormhole, the sphere ship exploded in
>a bright, blue ring that slowly and quietly, moved outwards.
ALL: Oooooooh...ahhhhhhh...
MIKE: Darn, I forgot the 3-D glasses.
> Data turned to Clark in amazement, "How did you manage to engage the
>ship's warp drive? The sensors showed that the ship had no internal
>power."
> Clark smiled and handed Data his tricorder. "I used this," he
>explained, "it showed me that the Cyborg was giving off so much energy
>when he absorbed the ship's, he was being converted to plasma. I think you
>once told me that the warp drive works by injecting plasma into the warp
>coils? Anyway, I found a plasma conduit and put him in. I figured that
>with so much energy passing through it. It would bypass most of the
>safety's and engage the warp drive. I had do a little work with the
>systems, but it worked out all right."
TOM: He is getting *eerily* good at the technobabble.
> Data thought about it, "That is possible," He conceded, "but It might
>also have burnt out the ship's entire EPS power system, causing a massive
>explosion anyway."
> Clark looked at him, shocked, "It could have?" He asked, profoundly
>concerned.
> "Do not worry," Data tried to console him, "the plan succeeded." Data
>shrugged, "Obviously the ship's EPS systems were superior to their
>Federation counterparts."
CROW: Disaster was averted by Good Guy radiation, which is even more potent than
Kryptonite.
> Clark sat in a chair in a very disturbed mood.
> "You okay?" Lois asked.
> "No," Clark said, "I don't think I'm okay at all."
>
>Epilogue
> The reception Superman received from the returning residents of Deep
>Space Nine was, to the say the least, exuberant. There was an unplanned
>party on the promenade. Much to Odo's disgust. Clark was a little quiet
>during the proceedings. After that shock he got from Data. He of course
>wore his costume. Lois sat down beside him. "You seem a little disturbed."
>She commented.
> "I can't get over the fact that I nearly destroyed our only chance to
>save the station," He explained, "I shouldn't have fiddled with technology
>I couldn't understand."
> Lois looked around, "I still can't believe we're in the 24th century."
>She said, stretching.
> "Still a few kinks?" Clark asked.
MIKE: More than a few, due to the freak Davies Cloning Incident of 2009.
> "Being stuck in a force field," She said ruefully.
>Clark grinned. "Maybe I could give you one of my famous Super-Massage's,"
>he offered.
> She smiled back, "Now that's an Interesting Idea," She mused.
TOM: No, no, no, it's Odo who says `Interesting'...
> "Bad Odour!" A familiar voice exclaimed, as Quark stormed up to them,
>"You have the word Śbad odour' as your Insignia!"
> "Quark..." Clark began.
> "Well I'll tell you this much, you better change that if you want to
>work for me." He fumed.
> "Quark," Clark argued, "I thought I told you that the last person who
>tried to buy me was arrested."
> "Besides," Lois offered, "I've heard some stories on this station that
>would be very interesting reading for the Ferengi council."
> "They are all lies," Quark denounced.
CROW: I didn't do it!...er...whatever it was.
> "But I'm a reporter," Lois reminded him, "my job is to make lies
>believable."
> Quark opened and closed his mouth in shock, then stormed off.
> "I think you chose your betrothed well Mr. Kent," Odo said, suddenly
>appearing. "I'm just glad I was here to see it," he said with a vicious
>grin. He turned to Lois, "Thankyou."
> "You Welcome." she bowed mockingly.
> They all turned to hear an argument ensuing from sickbay. Julian,
>Jonathan Kent, and Martha Kent came out of the entrance.
>"Mr. Kent," Julian argued, "You are still suffering from stasis shock. You
>should stay in sickbay and rest."
> "Listen son," Jonathan growled, "I was ploughing fields generations
TOM: Yipe! And now he says "Generations." What is this, a Trek torture test?
>before you were a twinkle in you mother's eye."
> "Jonathan," Martha Kent chided, in a shocked voice, "you watch you
>tongue now. The nice doctor is only doing what's best for us."
> "If there is any constants in the world It is doctors! I don't know
>about death and taxes in this century, but doctors haven't changed!"
MIKE: Such undeniable grass-roots wisdom, here. Ain't it the truth?
> "Pa," Clark called.
> "Son," Jonathan called back, "will you tell this doctor Śbash-ear' to
>leave me alone!"
> Just then, Captain Picard reached them. "Mr. Kent, Mrs. Kent," He
>greeted Clark's parents.
> "Well at least the captains have manners!"
> "Jonathan." Martha warned.
> "What are the arrangements for our return to Earth?" Clark asked the
>captain.
> "You'll be returning onboard the Enterprise with us, have you given any
>thoughts to what you will be doing when you return?" Jean-Luc asked.
> "Well," Lois interrupted, "I know what we'll be doing," she said
>smugly, "we're reporters, And there is a lot of history that needs to be
>rewritten."
CROW: Like, um, uh, that Kahn guy who got mentioned for a whole ten lines or so,
whatshisname...
> "I look forward to reading them," Jean-Luc replied.
> "I don't think there is much call for two old farmers in the 24th
>century," Jonathan muttered.
> "On the contrary," Jean-Luc disagreed, "my family has a vineyard in
>LeBarre, France, I'm sure the Earth Government will assign your land to
>you."
> "Really," Jonathan mused, "how will they know which is my land?
>Smallville doesn't exist any more."
> "You know your own land don't you?" Jean-Luc asked.
TOM: The Federation: Taking over land and selling it back to the original
owners! We run everything, or else!
>
>THE END
CROW: Yay! It's over!
>
>--
>-- Can't think of a good sig..................................sorry--
MIKE: Fella, you got a lot more to be sorry about than that lousy .sig!
TOM: But, Mike, that .sig *does* unify the story into a seamless whole, don't
you think?
CROW: The seamless holes around here are the ones in the characters' heads.
MIKE: Quick, let's get out of here before the fanfic comes back to life!
[ all exit ]
o...2...3...4...5...6.../
[ SoL bridge. Mike and Tom present ]
MIKE: So, what'd you think of this super-story, Tom?
TOM: I think it was a super-waste of my super-time. Say, where's Crow?
[ CROW enters, carrying a magazine ]
CROW: Hey! Guys! Look! Looklooklooklooklook! [holds up the magazine]
MIKE [reading it]: "Mad Number Two."
CROW: Yeah! It came in! And I got it! Woo hoo!
TOM: Great. Now am I going to have to endure you bubbling over about the lousy
stories all over again?
CROW: Aw, c'mon. Look what the first story is.
TOM: Hmm..."Superduperman." Well, whaddya know! This could be good after all.
[ Everyone crowds around the Mad comic to read ]
TOM: Oooh. "Faster than a speeding bullet! Ka-pweeng! More powerful than a--"
[ VW bus ]
PEARL: Hey...what are you three reading?
[ SoL ]
CROW: Sorry! Private material.
TOM: "It's a bird!...it's a plane!..."
[ VW bus ]
PEARL: Aw, come on...please?
[ SoL ]
TOM: No! This is strict SoL-only business. Ahem. Ooh, there's Clark making a
pass at Lois. And she says, "Another pearl necklace! Thanks, creep, now
go away, you bother me!"
CROW: Hee hee, my kinda reporter.
[ VW bus ]
PEARL: Why, you...ooOOooOOooOOooh...Bobo! Dr. Whatsyername! Wake up!
[ DR. PEANUT and BOBO wake up and sit up from where they've been lying on the
seats. ]
DR. P: Hm? Snurrrf? Wha'?
PEARL: The test subjects are being impudent. What shall we do with them?
BOBO: Oh, wow, try the electro shockers.
PEARL: All right!...where are they?
DR. P [pressing a button]: Right there.
[ SoL. MIKE and BOTS keep reading--nothing else happens ]
[ VW bus ]
PEARL: It's not working! Why isn't it working?
DR. P: Well...um....er...oh yeah. It got jolted out of alignment back on
Infundibulum 5.
PEARL: Figures...how about the molecular disintegrator?
BOBO: Ooh, let me, let me! [presses another button]
[ SoL ]
MIKE: Ooh, Captain Marbles is the villain?
TOM: Superheroes gone bad. I shoulda known.
CROW: Reminds me of that one Western with the two good guys in a shoot-out...
[ VW bus ]
PEARL: That isn't working either!
DR. P: Well...um...it takes a while to warm up, you know.
PEARL [eyes narrowing suspiciously]: It takes a while? How much of a while?
DR. P: Welllllll...er...ah...
PEARL: Yes?
DR. P: Ack. Okay, okay! I lied! It's broke! Please don't kill me, Lawgiver!
PEARL: Oh, I'll let you live. That way I can torture you more.
BOBO: Still wanna do them bodily harm, Lawgiver?
PEARL: Always! How about the antimatter gun?
DR. P: Uh...broke.
PEARL: The electron ram?
BOBO: Also broke.
PEARL: The positron ram?
DR. P: Er...um...
PEARL: The *neutron* ram?
BOBO: Well...uh...
PEARL: Bah! Why don't we disconnect the sewage line and pour it on them?
DR. P: Oh, it's not that kind of a bus.
PEARL: Argh! All right, Nelson, you win *this* time, but...as soon as I can get
this van to a decent repair shop...
BOBO: Ah, the nearest Volswagen parts place is 257 light-years away.
PEARL: ...two hundred and fifty-seven years from now, you'll be sorry! Okay,
let's get going. Which way is it?
[ PEARL steers the bus around and heads off into space ]
[ FADE OUT ]
[ MIKE and BOTS' voices audible over credits ]
_Mystery Science Theater 3000_ and all related characters and paraphernalia are
copyright 1989-1997, Best Brains, Inc.
MIKE: And then he drops a safe on Captain Marbles's head and it just breaks into
pieces!
TOM: Yeah, his head is even harder than Crow's.
CROW: Hey now...
Superman and related characters are copyright DC comics. _Star Trek_ and
related characters and paraphernalia are copyright Paramount Pictures.
TOM: And then he finally manages to beat Captain Marbles by--
CROW: Awww, don't ruin it for everyone.
TOM: Oh...okay.
"Lessons of History" copyright 1997, Evan Hodges. No personal attack on the
author is intended. I suppose I should have asked for permission, but I just
couldn't be bothered.
CROW: And he reveals himself as Superduperman to Lois, and she says...
MIKE: "Hands off!...yer STILL a creep!"
CROW: And walks right over him to stomp away! Hee hee hee!
TOM: You go, girl! Hoo hah!
The characters and situations depicted within this work of fan fiction are
fictitious. Any similarity without satiric intent is a coincidence. Drive
safely.
> "Interesting." Data commented, "There seem to be no Data transfer
>conduits anywhere though this ship."
--
Matthew Miller -- mattm (at) infinet (dot) com