MSTed: Youth-Rejuvenating Immortality Now
Stephen Will Tanner
[Satellite of Love. The 'bots are relaxing while Mike polishes the
buttons]
CROW: So, what's this latest experiment about?
MIKE: Some spam about becoming immortal or your money back.
SERVO: Wow, that beats the latest run of "hot sex now" ads.
MIKE: Uh-oh, Sam and Max are calling.
[Deep 13]
FORRESTER: Ah, Nelson. Ready for this week's Post of Pain?
[S.O.L.]
MIKE: Aww, do I haveta?
[Deep 13]
FORRESTER: All right, my little China Dolls, let's see your
invention exchange, pronto.
[S.O.L.]
MIKE: Well, we decided that in honor of this week's experiment,
we'd make a compilation CD targeting a new niche market.
ALL: The ever-living!
CROW: It can be rough being an undying entity. No one your age
to date, generation gap like you wouldn't believe...
MIKE: It's all easier if you can listen to the timeless pop from
this new record collection.
SERVO: We call it: Immortal Songs for Immortals!
MIKE: Tracks include "Forever Young", "Who Wants To Live Forever",
"This is the Song that Never Ends (it just goes on and on and on)",
"You Only Live Twice", and "No One Lives Forever" by Boingo.
CROW: That last one's there just for laughs.
MIKE: Whaddaya think, sirs?
[Deep 13]
FORRESTER: Well, poopies, we've got an invention that'll knock your socks
off. How many times have you longed to see one of the
dearly departed again?
FRANK: [playing along, with bad acting] Gee, I miss Grandma!
FORRESTER: Now you can keep their visage alive forever with Crayonic
Suspension! [Gestures toward a pot of melted wax]
[S.O.L.]
Mike: Uh, don't you mean CRYONIC Suspension?
[Deep 13]
FORRESTER: No, lemur, this is CRAYONIC Suspension. Let me demonstrate.
[To Frank] Lie down, Frank. [To Mike] Frank here is on his
deathbed.
FRANK: I am?
FORRESTER: But there's no need to worry about losing him. Because this
boiling-hot wax can turn your dying loved ones' twisted mask
of pain--into a twisted mask of pain!
FRANK: Hey, wait a second!
FORRESTER: [immerses Frank's head in pot of melted wax]
FRANK: [shrieks of pain, muffled by wax]
FORRESTER: Comes in bouyant blue, nostalgic sepia, and new--periwinkle!
[S.O.L.]
CROW: Wow, they're really getting DARK.
[Deep 13]
FORRESTER: Anyway, Nelson. Your post this week is a rancid little
caltrop crossposted to hell-and-back on the sci.* hierarchy.
FRANK: [continues struggling in hot wax]
[S.O.L.]
SERVO: ...periwinkle, though, that's not too bad...
MIKE: Yeah, I guess...oh no, we've got USENET SIGN!
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.
>From: China Direct <mar...@chinadirect.com>
CROW: [sings] I like Chi-nese...
>Newsgroups:
>sci.chem,alt.college.us,sci.environment,sci.edu,sci.materials,
>sci.research,sci.misc,misc.education.medical,sci.logic,alt.neo-tech
MIKE: And a cast of thousands!
>Subject: Youth-Rejuvenating Immortality Now
>Date: Tue, 11 Mar 1997 22:09:33 -0800
SERVO: A day that will live in infamy.
CROW: Hey, you promised you'd quit using that gag!
>Organization: Netcom
>Lines: 145
ALL: Deep hurting!
>Message-ID: <332648...@chinadirect.com>
>References: <331BF2...@digitalwebsat.com>
><331C94...@ix.netcom.com> <331CC4...@gw-tech.com>
><331F97...@cyberdude.deletethispart.com>
SERVO: Which part of him can I delete?
CROW: Heck, no need to hold back.
>NNTP-Posting-Host: lvx-nv9-14.ix.netcom.com
CROW: The house of ix ain't what it used to be, Maud Dhib.
>Mime-Version: 1.0
SERVO: That's the one who only knows how to pull on heavy weights, and
keeps getting stuck in the shrinking box.
MIKE: [blank stare]
SERVO: See, cause it's a mime...and...[trails off]
>Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
MIKE: Content-Type: Wacked-out Spam
>Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
>X-NETCOM-Date: Tue Mar 11 10:35:52 PM PST 1997
>X-Mailer: Mozilla 2.01 (Win95; I)
>Xref: sci.chem:77626 alt.college.us:10543
>sci.environment:100079 sci.edu:13356 sci.materials:22181
>sci.research:11039 sci.misc:21444 misc.education.medical:25725
>sci.logic:17991
>
>Neo-Tech Advantage #114
> YOUTH-REJUVENATING IMMORTALITY NOW
CROW: Yeah, I guess the first 113 were really IMPORTANT stuff, as
opposed to life eternal, huh?
SERVO: Neo-Tech Advantage #76: NO SPOTTING ON DISHES
MIKE: Neo-Tech Advantage #82: FREE FRIES WITH PURCHASE OF LARGE DRINK
CROW: Neo-Tech Advantages, ACTIVATE! Form of...APPENDIX F!
> (Also see Appendix F and Neo-Tech V)
MIKE: I didn't like Neo-Tech V as much as II or IV, it was too strange.
> Animals live, age, and die without choice, according to their
> environment and biological nature. That no-choice situation does
> not exist for human beings.
CROW: Even if we want it to?
SERVO: Oooh, deep, Sartre.
MIKE: Hey, this poster is pro-choice AND pro-life!
CROW: Fence-sitter.
> Only human beings have the choice and
> power to control nature.
SERVO: We...control the horizontal.
> All people can learn to continuously
> expand
CROW: ...by taking a REALLY DEEP BREATH!
> the value of their lives. They do that by increasingly
> developing knowledge and productivity to experience increasing
> earned power, prosperity, and happiness.
CROW: Sheesh, I wish they'd justify this argument.
SERVO: You mean, back it up with facts?
CROW: No, I mean left-justify it so it's not so ANNOYING TO READ!
> Likewise, all people can
> learn how to continuously extend their biological/psychological
> lives through Neo-Tech knowledge, technology, and business.
SERVO: We started it last week, and we're still going strong!
MIKE: Why do I feel the urge to call it Neo_-_Tech?
> Youth-rejuvenating immortality is the supreme moral achievement
> for conscious beings as their individual lives become increasingly
> valuable with increasing age, knowledge, and experience.
SERVO: I'm the God! I'M THE GOD!
MIKE: Wow, they can't cure hair loss, but they've conquered death.
Who knew?
> Life can be immortal. Today, for the first time, no one has to age
> and then die -- intellectually, psychologically, or physically.
SERVO: I think this post may have died intellectually.
> With current technology, free of mysticism and neocheating,
> commercial biological immortality for all conscious beings
MIKE: Now THAT'S Medicare!
> is
> possible in a decade or less by not one but by several different
> scientifically feasible routes.
MIKE: [Minnesota voice] Oh, yah, I hear you live another minute for
every minute you keep jogging.
SERVO: [Minnesota voice] I think I'll just change my name to George Burns.
CROW: I'll just eat enough Twinkies to keep my body perfectly preserved.
> Indeed, youth-perpetuating
> biological immortality will be quickly accomplished when the
> current anti-life, mystical/neocheating cultures are collapsed by
> Neo-Tech.
CROW: These weaklings are no match for our superior Robotech!
MIKE: Crow, if you EVER mention that show again...
SERVO: So what's neocheating?
> With that collapse, all the professional mystics and
> neocheaters will lose their power.
MIKE: [deep voice] The Day The Neocheater Stood Still
> In their place will rise a
> Neo-Tech/Neothink society in which the life of the individual is
> revered above all else as the supreme value in the universe. [Re:
> Concept 116, Table 51, Neo-Tech Reference Encyclopedia].
SERVO: [Kryten voice] Are you quite sure of that reference, sir?
Because Concept 116, Table 51 reads: "I like strawberries."
CROW: I thought Table 51 was where they did those UFO experiments.
MIKE: No, that's AREA 51.
SERVO: Where is Area 51, anyway?
MIKE: Well, just take a left at Area 49...
> In a Neo-Tech/Neothink society, self-rejuvenation of and/or
> exact-replica replacement of body parts, including the entire body
SERVO: The aliens kidnapped me and replaced my body with an exact
replica!
MIKE: ...and then a right at the Stop and Go...
> could be possible in less than ten years through already known
> biological techniques and future nanotechnologies. Today, however,
MIKE: ...if you reach Area 52, you've gone too far...
SERVO: Mike! You're ignoring precious lines of ad copy here, hmm?
CROW: I dunno, if you're offering eternal life you should always go
with the soft sell.
> the primary problem of achieving youth-rejuvenating immortality is
> not medical or technical, but is philosophical.
MIKE: Here, take this pamphlet: Are You Ready For Immortality?
> ...With Neo-Tech
> curing the always terminal disease of mysticism, conscious life
> will change from always terminal to forever eternal.
CROW: It is definitely for sure forever eternal, irregardless of what
stupid idiots on your area's local BBS system may write and say.
SERVO: Redundundundundundundund [Mike hits him] Ow!
> Biological immortality could be achieved quickly in an
> unregulated, free-enterprise, Neo-Tech atmosphere.
SERVO: Industry! Turning the wheels of tomorrow!
CROW: This is not illegal because we are selling a service!!!
MIKE: Could immortality become a pyramid scheme?
SERVO: Sure, it's called vampirism!
MIKE: And they bite three friends... And they bite three friends...
> That business
> atmosphere of fully integrated thinking and honesty would boom
> commercial research seeking maximum profits from rejuvenation
> developments and immortality services.
CROW: Huh?
SERVO: I'm sorry, "China-direct". You got a D on your Turing Test.
> Non-aging biological
> immortality would have the widest market and maximum value of any
> commercial product or service possible to conscious beings.
CROW: Narrowly beating out Orbitz and Crystal Pepsi!
> Yet, the enormous commercial and moral incentives to achieve human
> immortality remain unrecognized because of the prevailing,
> mystical, anti-life philosophies and the neocheating "authorities"
> whose control over value production prevent the motivation and
> freedom for producers to develop biological immortality.
SERVO: Yes, these immortality scientists have met *fierce*
political opposition from the powerful *embalmer lobby* in
congress.
CROW: [Headline voice] Clinton applauded for cutting all funding
to immortality!
MIKE: Well, sometimes people worry about unleashing untested technologies.
SERVO: None of your squeamishness, human-boy, I *AM* an untested
technology! [Shakes up and down agitatedly]
> Absolute I-ness immortality
MIKE: Forget I-ness, where can I get immortality for my...
SERVO: Don't even go there, bucko.
> accomplished by creating a perfectly
> restorable conscious mind and sense of self (I-ness)
CROW: Yes, your I-ness.
> would have a
> profound psychological impact on every productive human being:
> Imagine the impact of planning one's own life for the next 300
> years.
MIKE: With the new FRANKLIN ULTRA-PLANNER!
CROW: March 2, 2120, 6 pm: Watch Full House.
> Imagine the time that would be available to build
> accomplishments, careers, and interests. Imagine if one's life
> span were suddenly expanded to 300 years, 1000 years, 10,000
> years.
SERVO: [infomercial voice] 100, 1000, even 10000 years!
CROW: Think of the frequent-flyer miles you'd rack up.
> Imagine the value and respect placed on human lives that
> forever increased in value.
CROW: Yeah! I'd keep opening new bank accounts with a penny, and then
later I could cash in on a MILLION BUCKS EVERY DAY!
SERVO: MAKE.MONEY.SLOW!
> ...Current technology indicates that
> such definitive, biological immortality would be both
> scientifically and technically possible in less than a decade in a
> free society that recognizes individual consciousness as the
> supreme value in the universe.
SERVO: Lif withou en!
MIKE: Remember, we are only immortal for a limited time.
SERVO: Wash and Go, Peart Plus!
CROW: You guys are getting a little too obscure here.
> Pending further technological development, biological immortality
> would include the transfer of one's consciousness and sense of
> one's self (I-ness) into genetically identical entities (e.g., to
> blank or tabula-rasa brains in cloned bodies).
MIKE: i.e., your mind in Pam Anderson.
> Neo-Tech V lists
> other routes to non-aging biological immortality feasible within
> the scope of current technology. Neo-Tech Pincer Movement #1,
> volume #2, Guns-and-Fists Newsletter #3-2
SERVO: Subsection #5!
CROW: Fringle fleem #8-4!
MIKE: The Neo-Tech Pincer Movement! As seen in Neo-Tech-War, by
William Shatner!
> also demonstrates why
> the concept of cryonics is axiomatically flawed, guarantees death,
> and plays a negative role toward achieving I-ness immortality.
MIKE: Cryonics--death guaranteed!
CROW: So what do these people guarantee?
SERVO: Neo-tech--immortality guaranteed! If you die, feel free to come
in for a full refund!
> The Value of Life:
> Einstein and the Factory Worker
>
> If Einstein -- or just his brain -- could have been kept
> functioning after his death,
MIKE: Hey, I've seen that show!
> imagine the additional benefits that
> mind would have bestowed on society: Is not that the main
> motivation for and value of immortality? Is not that the moral
> purpose of biological immortality?
All: Sure!
> No, absolutely not.
All: Awww!
> That is an altruistic view that stymies the
> effort, motivation, and moral mandate needed to develop commercial
> I-ness immortality within our generation.
CROW: Oh yeah? Well, that's what Mum-Ra said!
SERVO: You watched Thundercats?
CROW: Oh, like you're one to talk, Mr. Jungle-Goddess-Wasn't-So-Bad.
> The entire purpose, motivation, and goal of biological immortality
> is not so a brain can continue to serve some "higher" cause, but
> so the flesh-and-blood individual, Einstein or a productive
> factory worker, can continue to physically enjoy life and create
> happiness for his or her own self and loved ones by continually
> producing values for others.
MIKE: So we should all go work at the happiness factory?
CROW: [Authoritative voice] Johnson, we hear you've been STEALING
EXTRA HAPPINESS from the assmebly lines!
> As a result (not a purpose), the
> immortal individual will increasingly benefit others and society
> as that person becomes increasingly knowledgeable, experienced,
> and efficient at producing competitive values desired by others.
SERVO: This is just like Ayn Rand, only...
MIKE: Only not good at all?
SERVO: Yeah.
> The value of Einstein's or anyone else's life is meaningful only
> to one's own flesh-and-blood life and living happiness, not to
> some society or "higher" cause.
CROW: Hey, do you guys remember that Johnny Quest episode where Bandit
became immortal?
SERVO: You watch JOHNNY QUEST, too?
>
> Why Do So Many People
> Not Want to Live Forever?
>
MIKE: Because they got caught NEOCHEATING on their exams?
> Because They Fail to Earn Guiltless
> Prosperity, Love, and Happiness
> Needed to Experience the
> Passion to Live and Love Forever
CROW: Well, I'm not sure about this immortality stuff.
SERVO: Yeah, neither am I.
MIKE: Oh, come on, guys! I'd love to have more life.
CROW&SERVO: MIKEY LIKES IT!
MIKE: You knuckleheads!
> The more people let mysticism influence their lives, the more they
> become unknowledgeable, undermine values, grow lazy, lose
> happiness, dislike life.
SERVO: This WHITE car represents Neo-Tech. This NON-WHITE car represents
Mysticism!
CROW: As you can see, the WHITE car wins due to our superior Robotech!
MIKE: [hits Crow]
CROW: Owww!
> With increasing mysticism, they become
> increasingly incompetent to earn honest values, power, love, and
> happiness. In addition, the more people accept mysticism, the more
> neocheaters can manipulate them. And the more manipulated and less
> successful one becomes, the more painful and difficult life
> becomes until the idea of living forever becomes abhorrent, even
> terrifying.
MIKE: [Gesture Professor voice] They go down, down, down...
> ...Only people who purge themselves of hateful,
> destructive mysticism can earn the values, power, and happiness
> needed to experience the passion to live and love forever.
SERVO: [old codger voice] Honey, get the Mystimucil, I wanna purge myself
of hatefulness!
> Unstoppable Neo-Tech
CROW: We are UNSTOPPABLE with our superior Robotech...
[Mike starts hitting him] Oww!
> Professional mystics and neocheaters have perfected and
> perpetuated their hoax of inverted values for the past 2000 years.
SERVO: Ancient neocheater secret, huh?
MIKE: Cal-gon, take me away!
> But today, Neo-Tech is in forward motion around the world. The
> Neo-Tech matrix is spreading. It is unstoppable, irreversible, and
> will collapse the entire destructive hoax of mysticism.
CROW: Neo-Tech is about to E*X*P*L*O*D*E!
> No mystic
> or neocheater can stop Neo-Tech from eliminating mysticism and its
> symbiotic neocheaters.
>
> Happiness Forever
MIKE: ^^^^^^^^^
YM "Happynet". HTH!
CROW: How'd he pronounce those ^'s?
> With life ageless and immortal, mystic-free conscious beings can
> forever experience growing prosperity, love, happiness, and life
> itself through productive work, romantic love, psychuous
> pleasures,
SERVO: Psychuous?
MIKE: I think it's a Lewis Carroll word.
> and I-ness immortality. ...The moral purpose of all
> conscious life would then be met -- increasing happiness forever.
MIKE: No animals became immortal in the making of this post.
MIKE: We have the technology to load these webpages WITHIN TEN YEARS!
CROW: WebCounter says: 13564 Neocheaters have visited this site.
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CROW: So what's the big deal about immortality?
MIKE: Well, immortality is sort of the holy grail of modern science.
CROW: No way!
SERVO: Yes way! See, when Sir Galahad set out to find the grail...
[Deep 13]
FORRESTER: Okay, Frank, are you ready?
FRANK: [face covered in wax] Mmm-hrrmm!
FORRESTER: All right. [Grabs the wax] One, two, three...PULL!
[S.O.L.]
MIKE: So this China Direct person is like the mysterious Fisher King?
CROW: Well, this post kind of sounded like a troll!
MIKE: You crack me up, little buddy.
[Deep 13]
FORRESTER: That's all for this week, Nelson. But with our superior
Neo-Tech, we'll be able to keep sending you this spam...
FOREVER! Bwahahahaha!
FRANK: [Holds up lopsided wax mask] Ohhhhhh...
FORRESTER: Don't worry, it'll make a perfect ashtray.
Push the button, Frank.
FRANK: [Staggers over and collapses on the button]
--
Stephen Tanner (tan...@math.wisc.edu)
((This is my first MiSTing. Responses greatly appreciated. I know that
I've messed with MST continuity, but I'm a lazy shiftless poster who
just doesn't care))
>
> Why Do So Many People
> Not Want to Live Forever?
>
Alleycat
Kryten!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!
Alleycat
"Space Corps Directive #31? But, Sir, that's impossible wothout at least one live
chicken and a rabbi!"
Scoochie
This was a GREAT MSTing! I'm glad you sent it to neo-tech. Nya-nay,
neotech, MST thumbs it's nose at you. There were a whole slew of laughs
in your post, but this was my favorite quip:
> > Imagine the impact of planning one's own life for the next 300
> > years.
>
> CROW: March 2, 2120, 6 pm: Watch Full House.
>
When I read this, I had a GIANT coughing fit and I had to get up and run
to the sink and spit out my soda because I was laughing so hard. I
thought you captured the characters really well. I could really see
them making most of the comments. ("Dr. F: Frank here is on his
deathbed. Frank: I am?" Can't you just see that?) Anyway, all in all,
an excellent post, and I have it saved on my hard drive right now. Good
Job, Steve!
Daniel Needham
MSTie #73534
Circa 2000 AD
mirober
In article <332DD1...@ix.netcom.com>
Scoochie <scoo...@ix.netcom.com> writes:
>
> This was a GREAT MSTing! I'm glad you sent it to neo-tech. Nya-nay,
> neotech, MST thumbs it's nose at you. There were a whole slew of laughs
> in your post, but this was my favorite quip:
>
> > > Imagine the impact of planning one's own life for the next 300
> > > years.
> >
> > CROW: March 2, 2120, 6 pm: Watch Full House.
> >
>
> When I read this, I had a GIANT coughing fit and I had to get up and run
> to the sink and spit out my soda because I was laughing so hard. I
> thought you captured the characters really well. I could really see
> them making most of the comments. ("Dr. F: Frank here is on his
> deathbed. Frank: I am?" Can't you just see that?) Anyway, all in all,
> an excellent post, and I have it saved on my hard drive right now. Good
> Job, Steve!
>
I agree, this was one of the funniest things I have read in a while.
Good work!