MiSTed: Animaniacs "Skippy's Mom" [ 1 / 2 ]

[Joseph Nebus]

[ OPENING SEQUENCE ]

[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

[ SOL DESK. JOEL, TOM and CROW are at the desk, deep in discussion. ]

CROW: I'd say he would grow up with eating habits memorized, but not
internalized. He'd eat healthily but not understand why.
TOM: The answer has to depend on whether the child can shapeshift.
That changes everything.
JOEL: [ Touching CROW and TOM's shoulders ] Oh, hey, we're on, everyone.
Hi there, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. This afternoon
we're going to participate in a hideously evil experiment, and
before that we're discussing a 'Winnie the Witch' cartoon Hanna-
Barbera made in the 60s.
TOM: In this short, stork error delivers a baby to Winnie Witch, a
feeble simulacrum of Witch Hazel, and she adopts it.
CROW: But the baby's reluctant to drink milk, so she turns it into a
kitten.
JOEL: And we're debating the long-term developmental challenges this may
inflict on the baby.
CROW: Such as confusion over self-identity and body image.
TOM: And whether it'd ever learn to eat healthily. If habits are
learned by storing memories in that big ol' chemical soup of the
human brain, then how are they wrecked by completely rewriting
the kid's biochemistry, from cat to kid and so on?
JOEL: So far we don't know.
TOM: I'd say it depends if the kid can shapeshift on his own. If he
can, then when he's hungry for -- let's say -- Brussels sprouts,
he'll turn into a beaver or whatever eats them. When he needs
meat, he'll become a basset hound or something.
CROW: When he needs plankton he'll turn into a whale.
TOM: Exactly, Crow, you get it.
JOEL: Uh, guys, humans don't eat plankton.
TOM: Just because you don't, don't assume nobody ever does, Joel.
JOEL: It's just not something we can eat.
CROW: Maybe that's the problem. Did anyone ever transmogrify *you* when
you were growing up, Joel? [ JOEL shakes his head and starts to
answer ] Aha! That's it!
TOM: Yeah! Your problem isn't that this kid is getting the benefits of
a proper polytheriomorphic childhood.
[ JOEL skeptically mouths the word "polytheriomorphic." ]
CROW: You're just jealous that you never got to be anything other than a
poor little human.
TOM: Aw, Joel, why didn't you share your pain with us?
CROW: We'd have understood.
JOEL: Guys, it's not like that. Humans aren't supposed to --
CROW: No, no, don't talk.
TOM: We love you no matter what you weren't in your past.
CROW: We'll help you through this.
TOM: You can hold us, if you like.

[ JOEL sighs, gives up, and hugs TOM and CROW. ]

JOEL: You guys are true friends. Thank you.
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in five seconds. Cambot and I are here for
you too, Joel.
JOEL: Thanks, Magic Voice. I'm sure Gypsy is too.

[ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes. JOEL taps it. ]

GYPSY: [ Calling from offstage ] You said it!
JOEL: We'll be right back.

[ COMMERCIAL BREAK ]

[ SOL DESK. Zoobooks are scattered over the table. JOEL, TOM, and CROW
are examining different pamphlets. ]

CROW: How about the rock hyrax?
JOEL: And what's a rock hyrax?
CROW: We can give you a weeklong tryout with it, maybe try a bush or
tree hyrax if you're not fully satisfied ...
TOM: I'm holding out for you as a woylie. It's a cute little kangaroo
that feeds on roots, tubers, seeds, and legumes. See the picture?
JOEL: Yeah, nice. And what's the hyrax, Crow?
CROW: I... uh... have no idea. But if you became one, then we'd know,
right?
TOM: Yeah, unless he got caught in the mouse traps.

[ MADS sign flashes ]

JOEL: Hang on, Loopy the Lion and Hardee Har Har are calling.

[ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER has what looks like a plunger mounted on a
water gun; TV'S FRANK is in the background, wearing a bullseye
target and holding a SCOOBY-DOO T-shirt. DR. FORRESTER is by
a table with considerable clutter on it.]

DR.F: Touche, turtle. Our invention this week is based on beating back
the horde of lame would-be comedians who make incredibly trivial
comments about 'Scooby-Doo.' It's a high-powered gun designed
to stop them. It tracks certain characteristics of people who've
figured out they can approach being amusing by talking about this
overexposed show -- rising levels of unjustified smugness, a
clumsily jocular air around them, Scooby Snack Powder... who
needs details? TV's Frank will demonstrate.
FRANK: [ Sheepish ] Now?
DR.F: No, Frank, next week.
FRANK: Oh.
DR.F: [ Growls, lowers the gun, riffles through the stuff on the desk,
making a mess and loud noise. ] NOW!
FRANK: OK, like, you notice how it's always the creepy old guy wearing a
dumb mask? And how these kids don't have jobs or school or
parents or anything? And was Shaggy stoned or what?

[ As FRANK talks, DR. F raises the gun and aims. As FRANK finishes
talking, DR. F fires the gun, sending the plunger flying to the
bullseye. FRANK, "impaled," begins a prolongued death scene
as BUGS BUNNY might do. ]

DR.F: A sharp, thin needle at the end of the plunger makes your
displeasure really stick. [ He begins cackling, and suddenly
stops. ] Over to you, Hokey.

[ SOL DESK. The brouchures are cleared away; JOEL, TOM, and CROW all have
hefty instruction manuals. TOM and CROW's are opened. ]

JOEL: Anyone who lives long enough, be he Hal Jordan, Ken Connell, Ralph
Hinkley, or Joel Robinson, will eventually be host to benevolent
aliens who grant one a ring, tatoo, suit, or some other token of
almost unlimited power to use for the good of humanity.
CROW: But will you know how to use it?
TOM: Great power carries with it great responsibility, and you must be
prepared to use that power efficiently and for the good of all.
JOEL: [ Showing off his book ] Which is why we've created the
nigh-omnipotent token's user's manual!
TOM: Indexed, cross-referenced and with a web site for newly discovered
twists, this guide will help any new superhero do his or her best
possible good.
CROW: See, here, 'Earth threatened by gigantic comets'...simply power up
and move the comets out of the way.
TOM: Whereas under 'City threatened by nuclear missiles'... use your
powers to turn the missiles into giant sticks of butter.
JOEL: Have to move your entire legion of friends in a hurry? Fire up your
token and expand your hands, then fly them all there!
CROW: Keep your excessively large hands out of your line of sight, or
flight will become erratic.
TOM: What do you think, sirs?

[ DEEP 13. FRANK is gasping, continuing the act. DR. FORRESTER is at
the camera, sneering. DR. FORRESTER makes quote marks with
his hands where appropriate. ]

DR.F: Infinitely clever, mes amis. Your pain this week is a beauty of
an Animaniacs fanfic entitled "Skippy's Mom," by one Charles
"Runt-Abu" Brown. It's the heartworming story of Skippy Squirrel
as -- could you see this one coming -- he finds his Mom. Read
it and weep, my little Nimrods of the nitrate stocks.

[ FRANK groans ]

DR.F: Oh, suck it in, wimpy.

[ SOL. As before. ]

CROW: Heartworming?
TOM: Runt-abu?

[ MOVIE SIGN flashes ]

JOEL: Later! We got movie sign!


[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]

[ ALL file in. ]

> --------------29934A6D602B

TOM: In the year twenty-nine ninety-three... uh... four A six D six
hundred and two B.

> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
>
> Due to circumstances outwith my control

CROW: For example, the images in Pringles commercials...

> and the fact that I'm a sick
> puppy (No really I have a killer headcold

JOEL: From outer space!

> ...) here _is_ the CORRECT
> version of Skippy's Mom. (I Hope)
> I would personally like to apolgise

CROW: Maybe 'correct' is an exaggeration?

> to anyone who has already read the
> orginal posting

TOM: It's the latest in fanfic technology, the story that makes fun of
itself.

> found that it did not finshed and has given the entire
> plot away.
> Anywho at last a mere 28+ hours over due here is Skippy's Mom

JOEL: This is good. I've always wanted to see a "Family Ties" fanfic.

>
> --------------29934A6D602B
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; name="PS6.TXT"

TOM: It's us-ascii versus them-ascii in an all-out battle for world
domination!

> Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit

CROW: Shave and an inflation-adjusted haircut.

> Content-Disposition: inline; filename="PS6.TXT"
>
> /---------------\
> | Skippy's | Charles "runt-abu" Brown would like to dedicate this
> | Mom | story

JOEL: Before the second reel is out, to landing a cartoon character on the
moon and bringing him safely back to Max and Dave Fleischer.

> to the following individuals who lived in a
> |An A! Fanfic by| world full of darkness but are now in the light.

CROW: Thomas Edison, Christine McGlade, and Morris Udall.

> | runt-abu | Princess Diana, Mother Teresa and to all those who morn

TOM: Need an Abu but can't afford to own one? Come on down and runt
one, on daily or weekly schedules. Exit 13 on the Northway.

> \---------------/ them; This is there space of memorial:-
> ========================================================================
> =========================
>
>
>
>
>

CROW: Is it naptime?

>
>
>
>
>
>

JOEL: This is the worst Rorschach test I've ever seen.

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

TOM: It is a chance for us to get a spoon and tunnel our way out.

>
> ========================================================================
> =========================
> Thank you for remebering

JOEL: We forget what.

> ========================================================================
> =========================
> Legal type stuff:-

CROW: You know, 14 inch paper, note pads, writs, attainers. *Stuff*

>
> This document is Copyright (C) 1997 Charles "Runt-Abu" Brown
> (ru...@ooh.dircon.co.uk). All rights reserved.

TOM: In fact, they're downright timid. They've got to meet new people.

>
> The characters of the Warner Siblings and related characters are
> copyright and trademark Warner Bros. Animation, and are used without
> permission.

JOEL: Also without socks.

> Their use within this work of fiction is in no
> way, meant to infringe or steal that copyright, nor to dilute the
> characters themselves.

TOM: That happened by accident when I spilled paint thinner.

> No profit on the part of the author is made
> from this document, and this document is used only for entertainment
> purposes. If there are any legal problems with this document,

CROW: Please review randomly selected episodes of "These Are The Days"
until your head explodes.

> please
> contact the author to make arrangements to amend these legal
> difficulties.

JOEL: [ Raising his hand ] Uh, waiter? There's a lawyer in my soup.
TOM: Keep your voice down, or everybody'll want one.

>
> This work may be freely distributed in any media

CROW: So if you ever wanted to compose a Gregorian Chant based on an
Animaniacs fanfic, here's your chance.

> as long as it is not; altered for its original
> form, and that no money is charged for the document itself.

JOEL: I like reading these notices just to see credit given to
the Vitagraph Corporation.
CROW: [ Announcer voice ] Vitagraph. You know the name, you have
no idea what we do, and that's the way we want it. Vitagraph.

> It may be
> included on any archive collection under the same terms.

TOM: It's only to be included in free-range archives.

> ========================================================================
> =========================
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------

JOEL: This is going to be a hard "Hangman" puzzle.

> Prelogue

CROW: That's it. Did somebody go back in time and step on a butterfly
while we weren't looking?

> --------
> Skippy Squirrel stared out his wooden window into the dark night,

TOM: Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo...

> clouds over head covered the half moon and obscured the stars.
> His aunt slappy came in, "What'cha thinking about Skippy?" She asked
> gently.

CROW: [ As Skippy ] Whether the Trix rabbit is actually being tortured by
various kids or if he just stumbled across the alien technology
from "Forbidden Planet" and is now denied cereal by the monsters
of his own id.

> "Oh nothing.." Skippy replied instinctivly.
> "You were wondering about your mom again weren't you." Slappy said
> softly.

JOEL: The way you never do on the show.

> Skippy's attitude suddenly changed, became darker, sadder.

CROW: Skippy Squirrel *is* Batman!
JOEL: Or... Bat... Squirrel... Man.

> "Yeah... I.. I just wish I had know who she was.." He whispered.

TOM: Mostly he hopes it wasn't any of the squirrels from "The
Thanksgiving That Almost Wasn't."

> "Now Skippy what have I always told you?" Slappy demanded.
> "Never to mix up dynamite with candy." Skippy paused for a second;
> "Always use live ammunition

CROW: As a hand lotion?

> and ...."
> "And actions do things; thoughts don't..." Slappy finshed for him.

TOM: Unless your thoughts are being dubbed in for the audience.

> "Tommorrow morning we'll go down to the hall of records and find your

JOEL: Embarassing 70s glam rock album.

> mom... If you go to bed now..."
> "Gee that'd be great Aunt Slappy!" Skippy said excitedly.
> "Come on kiddo, time for lights out...."

CROW: Our animators ran out of money.

> Slappy said tucking Skippy in.
>
> Chapter 1 - Hall of Records

TOM: [ As Ted Knight ] Here at the fabulous Hall of Records, the
Superfriends struggle to complete a property title search.

> ---------------------------
> The hazy sunlight filtered into Skippy's room, Skippy still asleep
> bundled the blanket around his head to keep the light out.
> "Skippy, it's time to get up..."

JOEL: C'mon, they spun off Buttons and Mindy to another show and we have
to do double duty.

> Slappy shouted from somewhere
> donwstairs.
> "Okay Aunt Slappy." Skippy said tiredly.
> Skippy clambered out of bed

CROW: And awoke with a clatter; he sprung to the window to see what was
the matter.

> and headed down stairs.
> "You ready to find out about your Mom?" Slappy asked sarcasticly.
> "Hunh?" Skippy replied still half asleep, in fact more like 75% asleep...

TOM: 83 and 94/44ths percent asleep.
CROW: What, he doesn't know whether he's awake or asleep?
JOEL: Must be a school day.

> "Hall of records this morning, no?" prompted Slappy.

CROW: Touch any part of this squirrel to continue.
TOM: "I don't see the 'Any' part."

> "Oh of course..." Skippy said tiredly.

CROW: Adverbs: The bread crumbs of the English language.

>
> After a filling breakfast of Nutritionly lacking suger coated generic
> ceral

JOEL: Generic cereal. For your generic comedic needs.

> Skippy and Slappy went to the hall of records for all the 'toons
> in Burbank.

TOM: But they're in Lompoc.

> "Here we are kiddo, you're about to meet with your past,

CROW: I *told* you to wash out your lunchbox at the start of summer.

> it may
> be unpleasant..." Slappy intoned.
> "That's okay, no matter what I find inside,

JOEL: I'll still have a song in my heart.

> you'll still be here
> for me Aunt Slappy." Skippy said cheerfully.
> The big double doors to the hall of records swung open

CROW: Hellooooooooooooo...
JOEL: Helloooooooooo...
TOM: Hellooooooo...

> as skippy
> and slappy walked inside.
> "Good morning..." Said a familer voice from behind the counter, it was
> Hello Nurse.
> "What are you doing here?" Demanded Slappy.

TOM: Chapter 18A-65A of the Uniform Fanfic Code requires that as many
bit characters as the author can name be jammed into the story
somewhere.

> "Oh Warners don't pay me enogth to work as just a nurse so I work
> here part time to make ends meet, and I've not be in a cameo for quite
> some time..." Hello Nurse replied.

JOEL: Say what you want about the rest of the story, but Hello Nurse is
showing ten times as much personality here as she ever did on
the TV show.

> "Oh Carefull there.." She shouted as skippy was about to step in some
> oil. "Yakko and Wakko came here earlier, they're still not quite over
> it.." Hello Nurse said pointing to the pools of oil.

CROW: Apparently Yakko and Wakko just joined the Autobots.

> "Yeah yeah yeah..." Slappy said impatiently.

JOEL: [ Flatly ] She loves you; you know you should be glad.

> "Look can you tell
> my nephew here who his mom was?"

CROW: I hope it's that lethally cute squirrel from that old Chuck Jones
cartoon that tried to open a coconut, remember?

> "No." Hello Nurse said promptly.
> "Okaaayy Then what are we doing here?" Slappy asked.

TOM: [ Whispering ] We're ganging up on "Histeria." Don't snicker.
CROW: Not a problem.

> "Oh no Miss Squirrel, I can't tell your nephew,

JOEL: That would be cheating.

> but I can
> show him which file it would be in.." Hello nurse replied.
> "Well, we don't have all day..." Slappy impatiently muttered.

CROW: It's the file marked "Who is Skippy's Mom?"

> "Let me just feed his details into the computer, okay Name,

TOM: John Randolph Bray Process.

> Age,

CROW: I'm only three and a half years old.

> Character

JOEL: Half-orc Fourth-level Paladin/Magic-User.

> and ID#"

TOM: Or monsters of the ID number.

> Hello nurse asked politely
> "Skippy, I'm 8 and I'm a squirrel!" Skippy exlaimed.

CROW: Don't you watch the show? What's your problem?

> "My Id number is A1SQIP3"

TOM: Aluminum Squip Oxide?

> "Thank you Skippy.." Hello nurse gently spoke, "The computer is coming
> up with the details now.."

JOEL: Ah, here it is. You're scheduled for crossovers with the Rescue
Rangers, Battlestar Galactica, and Lottery.

> The computer made lots of grindy disk noises,

TOM: You know, DOS 3.3 did include the 'black pepper' option.

> Skippy, Slappy
> and Hello Nurse covered thier ears in pain.
> The computer suddenly stopped,

CROW: Looked at the audience, shouted "People!" and ran through the wall.

> Hello nurse looked shocked as she
> looked at the screen.
> "Is something wrong?" Asked Skippy.
> "I'm not sure..."

TOM: "What do words mean, again?"

> She replied. "Look!" She said turning the screen
> around. Skippy stared at the screen, large flashing red letters continuly
> blipped up. "NO RECORD FOUND?!"
> Slappy shouted, "What's that supposed to mean?!"

CROW: [ Eagerly ] It means anyone who does even *one* upside-down jumping
jack on a bed of pizza rolls gets in the Guinness Book!

> "It may just be a system failure I'll get the mechanic on to it right
> away."

TOM: We must rotoscope the turtle I have Minnesota saw marbles once.

> She said running off to fetch a mechanic.
>
> A short while later Hello nurse returned with a monkey.
> "Who's he?" Skippy asked indignetly.

JOEL: Head of programming for UPN.

> "Abu, pleased ta meet ya!"

CROW: We've really needed to runt you out to someone!

> The monkey replied, "I'm the mechanic."
> Abu took out a small laptop and plugged it into the large PC that _was_
> the hall of records mainframe.

JOEL: Back in the good old days, before SpeedScript ruined everything.
TOM: What?

> Abu tapped away franticly with the keyboard and it was almost an hour
> before he said anything.

CROW: Maybe he should wiggle the plug?

> "This is not good..." Abu said looking at Skippy.

TOM: I am *so* tanking on NetTrek.

> "According to this there is no Skippy Squirrel..." Abu finished.
> "How can that be?" Asked Skippy tearfully.

JOWL: The crossover you were scheduled to do with "Sportsnight"
vanished without a trace, and took you with it.

> "Probably just a mistake at the hospital kid." Abu said trying to
> cheer Skippy up.

CROW: That is a pretty cheery thing to say.

> "A hospital could do a INK test on you Skippy." Hello Nurse offered,

TOM: 'Cause, see, INK is like DNA for a cartoon.

> "That way we could then match your INK

CROW: Get it? 'Cause a cartoon has INK rather than DNA.

> to all the INK's in our database
> and find out that way.."

JOEL: [ Slapping TOM's shoulder ] HA HA! INK! Get it? INK!
TOM: That hurt.

> "I'm not sure..." Slappy started, but then she saw Skippy crying.
> "Come on, let's go to the hospital..."

TOM: I don't go to the hospital, but I play someone who does on TV.

>
> Chapter 2 - INK
> ---------------
> Skippy sat nervously in the waiting room, Slappy beside him
> equally as nervous.

CROW: I got edgy just reading that sentence.

> A George Clooney clone

TOM: Clooney cloney Clooney cloney Clooney cloney.
[ JOEL puts his arm on TOM's shoulder. ]

> walked by causing both of them to stare as he
> went.

CROW: Both of them?

> "Skippy Squirel to room 1, Skippy Squirel to room 1."

TOM: B-14. B-14.
JOEL: Captain Picard to the bridge. Captain Picard to the bridge.
CROW: Service manager to register three, please. Service manager to
register three, please.

> The voice came
> over the intercom.

TOM: The face came over the jukebox.

> "No matter what happens inside..." Slappy started speaking very softly.
> "You still be there for me..." Skippy finished.

JOEL: In that Ambrose Bierce way she has.

> The doctor looked very stern as Skippy entered the room, it was pretty
> much a normal 'toon doctor's office.

CROW: So we're not going to waste time with setting.

> If you can call a 'toon's doctor
> office normal...

JOEL: If you give a mouse a cookie.

> "Look Skippy, I'll be honest with you, these results are A) Not good and
> B) very strange."

TOM: Uh... I'll take A.
CROW: B! I want B!
TOM: B! Maybe!
CROW: I'll take 'True'!
JOEL: I'm going to write in 'Beethoven.'

> The doctor said with great precision.
> "Oh, there's nothing wrong with me..."

CROW: Eh... nothing an apprenticeship to Rocky the Flying Squirrel
couldn't cure.

> Skippy started, "I'm just here for
> an INK sample.."
> "Yes, I know that, but unfortunatly the tests revealed something we did
> not expect,

CROW: So there's no point in taking the sample first.

> if you would not mind waiting outside Skipy, I'd like to have
> a word with your Aunt..."

TOM: Specifically, the word 'anisotropic.'

> Skippy looked up at his aunt with _that_ pleading looking in his eye.
> "Sorry, kid. If the doctor says wait outside,

CROW: You go into the wacky routine where you keep showing up in his coat
pockets and his cabinets and his sink and his car until he gives up
and tells you the cool stuff?
TOM: No; that's what happens in a cartoon.

> you wait outside..." Slappy
> finished quickly looking away from Skippy.
> Skippy jumped down off the chair and left the doctor's office closing the
> door behind him.

CROW: Nice of the doctor's office to close the door for him.

> He pressed his ear hard against the door but it was sound proofed and he
> could not here anything. So he sat outside

TOM: And found somebody'd stolen the fire escape. Whoops!
JOEL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuu!

> and waited reading one of the
> terrible magazines that are indigionus to doctor's offices everywhere.

JOEL: National Geographic report on "Oregon: Idaho's tricky pal."
CROW: People magazine tells us about the wild life of Gabe Kaplan.
TOM: Popular Mechanics shows us the future of Popular Mechanics covers.

> After reading every magazine several times the doctor's office finally
> reopened.

JOEL: [ As Doctor ] Are you still here?

> Slappy stepped outsidem something was really wrong as even her flower was
> drooping more then normal.

TOM: Somebody forget to water the squirrel this morning.

> She took Skippy by the hand and lead him in without saying a word.

CROW: I've seen better bedside manners from tests of the Emergency
Alert System.

> "Skippy, I've had a long chat with your ahem, aunt here."

JOEL: And your aardvark over there.

> The doctor
> stared, he said aunt with a tone of disgust.
> "Yes I had noticed..." Skippy retorted.
> The doctor continued unpreturbed by Skippy's remark. "and well you've
> probably already guessed

TOM: What would happen if you sneezed and hiccoughed at the same time.

> that something must be pretty wrong.." The
> doctor continued.
> "Oh boy here it comes..." Skippy whispered.

JOEL: You're scheduled to guest star in a Due South/Babylon 5/My Little
Pony crossover fanfic.

> "The fact is that your INK is not that of a toon squirrel."
> Skippy looked at the doctor in disbelif.

CROW: Yes, I'm afraid your ink is actually distilled "Ask Beth" columns.

> "Come again!" He said shocked.
> "You are not a squirrel, your INK is more that of a toon cat..."

JOEL: Toon cat! The most incredible leader of the pack!
TOM: INK! Get it?!

> The
> doctor concluded.
> "Get real!" Skippy managed to joke.
> "I am quite serious, we checked the results three times, each time they
> came up the same..."

TOM: Your original character design involved bellbottom pants.

> Was the last thing Skippy heard before he
> fainted....
>
>
> Chapter 3 - Skippy the cat

JOEL: Or bush kangaroo. Whatever.

> --------------------------
> "Well I don't see how it could be anyone else..." said Hello nurse's
> distorted voice.

TOM: It *must* be the president calling. He asked about Prince Albert.

> "I think we should check again, I mean she's never even had a kid so how
> could it be her?" a less distorted voice came from Abu.

CROW: They're cartoon characters. They reproduce by photocopier.
JOEL: That's... a pretty deep concept, actually.

> "How ya doing kid?" asked Slappy who's sounded fairly normal.
> "I had a horrible nightmare Aunt Slappy.."

TOM: I dreamed I couldn't get the INK joke and I had it repeated to me
over and over and over again.

> Skippy started
> "Sorry kid, no nightmare..." Slappy replied sadly she held up a mirror
> for Skippy, a strange looking kitten looked back.

CROW: It's Winnie Witch's kid!
TOM: Hi, kid!

> "What, what?" Skippy stammered pointing at the reflection, "Me...?!"
> "Yeah, scary.

JOEL: But evocative of really ancient cartoons like Felix the Cat and his
contemporaries, when stretch and squash *meant* something.

> Doc says the fright returned you to your true form..."
> Slappy explained solmely.
> "Look it can't be her!" Abu screamed.

TOM: "We only dated once!"

> Then suddenly looked at where
> Skippy and Slappy where to see them glaring at him.

CROW: Here are some more words for you. Them are at taping hamster road
mill lighting wire on delivery.

> "What they arguing about?" Asked Skippy.

TOM: Hammers. I don't know why.

> Hello nurse was the one to answer his question, "_I_ think I've found
> your real mom..." She said.

CROW: Here, see this web site?
www.who_skippy's_real_mom_is_and_how_to_find_her.com?

> "But it can't be her.." Abu interjected once again.
> "And Abu disagrees with me.." Hello Nurse retorted.
> "So who is my mom..." Skippy enquired tentivly.

JOEL: It's so awkward when characters ask each other for a first date.

> "Well I think..." Hello Nurse started
> "Even though it can't be..." Abu interupted.
> "I THINK IT'S....."

TOM: HIS SLED!

>
> Chapter 4- Skippy's Mom

JOEL: Hey, I read a story about that once.

> -----------------------
> "WHAT?! You can not be serious!!

CROW: Since they're cartoon characters, you'd hope not.

> How could Skippy be my son?! What; like
> I just happened to forget having a kitten?"

TOM: Who was a squirrel.

> Rita screamed at hello nurse.
> "But the INK test is conclusive, Skippy is a perfect INK match for your
> son..." Hello nurse defended.

JOEL: Hello Nurse took Paul Lynde to block.

> Rita just moaned.

TOM: Rita takes Caroline Rhea to win.

> "I suppose if you REALLY squint and streched out his face, gave him a
> good singing voice, blue eyes and made him a lot smaller

CROW: He'd pass for Frank Sinatra?

> he could just
> about pass for being a cat!" Rita shouted.

TOM: Especially considering he already is one.

> She wondered out of the alley and over to Skippy Squir... <erm..> Cat.

JOEL: A story really shouldn't be uncomfortable being left by itself.

> Skippy stared at her and then at his "Aunt" Slappy.
> Skippy moved towards Rita slowly, his new longer thiner tail tangled
> up in his feet and he tripped and rolled into Rita's legs.

CROW: Haha! See? Comedy. Sort of.
JOEL: That's the fault of the medium. It would've worked in animation.
TOM: Maybe.

> Rita picked him up by the scruff of the neck

TOM: Or the nape of his neats.

> and placed him on his feet
> again.
> "Mom?" Skippy asked softly.

CROW: No, just fellow supporting cast.

> Rita looked down at the small kitten and smiled a bit.
> "Maybe kid, maybe..."

TOM: If you're not afraid of the vacuum cleaner, I have a place for you
in my organization.

> Slappy stood looking at Rita and her "new son" with tears in her eyes.
> Rita saw Slappy's tears and had a great idea...
> "Slappy, I was just wondering, now i've a kid _AND_ a dog to look after

CROW: And I have to lead a starship half-crewed with Maquis rebels back
across 70,000 light years of uncharted space.

> if we could find a home somewhere, I mean even just a simple TREE house
> would be great..."

CROW: A simple tree house? But Slappy's tree house has central heating,
satellite TV, and no extradition treaties.
TOM: Mm...how's the rent?
CROW: One abu a month.
TOM: I oughta slug you.

> Rita hevily emphsised the tree bit but it still took
> Slappy a few seconds to recognise what Rita was proposing.

JOEL: [ As Slappy ] Yeah, I can introduce you to Jennifer of the Jungle.

> "I think that would be a great idea..." Slappy said tearfully, but these
> were tears of happiness.

TOM: No. I would believe in Margaret Chase Smith breakdancing before I
would believe in Slappy having tears of happiness.
CROW: Let's blow this popsicle stand.
JOEL: Sure thing.

[ ALL exit ]

[ COMMERCIAL BREAK ]

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