MiSTed - "A Marrissa Twofer" (2/2)
Bill Livingston
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>From: Stephen Ratliff <ste...@trekiverse.org>
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG But For a Y, Go I (Marrissa Stories AU)
CROW: For a Y go I, except after C, unless it's AU?
>Organization: Alt.StarTrek.Creative Virtual Staff Office
MIKE: They have an emergency holographic Dean Koontz on hand at all times.
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TOM: Mike's tried them all, and still can't get a date.
MIKE: Hey!
>Date: Sun, 30 Jan 2005 06:17:05 GMT
CROW: Of course, even Mike wouldn't start a date at six in the
morning on a Sunday.
MIKE: And again - Hey!
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>
>Title: But for a Y, Go I: Short Version
MIKE: The part of Marrissa will be played by Billy Barty.
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Contact: stephen trekiverse org/us
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories AU
>Codes: Other Sex Challenge (ASCEM) AU
TOM: Kama Sutra Trek: The Next Position.
>Rating: [PG-13] for nudity
CROW: Lovely - more skinny dipping Marrissa!
TOM: For someone so proud of her uniform, she sure spends a lot of time
*out* of it!
>Summary: Marrissa returns back from an alternate universe with her
>counterpart from that universe, Marcus.
CROW: Welby?
MIKE: Allen?
TOM: Aurelius?
> She must adjust to the changes
>caused by the passion of her contact with her male counterpart.
>
MIKE: It's Stephen Ratliff's Mel Gibson's Rick Berman's "The Passion of the
Marrissa".
>Note: This was intended to be bigger,
CROW: Well, it's no big deal - it happens to everybody from time to time.
> and in fact is only a part of what it
>will be. Expect a longer version latter ... maybe after Awards Season.
>
TOM: [Stephen] I just won't be able to write a word until I see if Annette
Bening beats out Hilary Swank for Best Actress.
>
>Now on with the stort...
>
TOM: "Stort"?
MIKE: Short storks - they're rare and beautiful birds Marrissa keeps as pets.
>Marrissa sat in the hot tub on the edge of the Enterprise-E's gym,
TOM: No doubt filled with gallons of tepid strawberry juice.
> watching
>as Marcus went through his forms with the saber.
MIKE: Well, that's one way to handle paperwork.
CROW: Marcus, we need a red cover for this TPS repoAUUUGHHHH!!!
> For training he wore only
>a pair of tight briefs, only restraining, not hiding his cock.
TOM: Why would he want to hide a rooster?
> His body
>glistened with body oil and sweat as he pushed himself.
MIKE: Aren't you glad *you* use Dial?
> It had not been
>long ago that Marrissa would have joined him, sparring against his hard
>thrusts and firm defense.
TOM: About as subtle as a Mardis Gras parade in Salt Lake City, ain't it?
CROW: Stephen's erotic imagery is as awe-inspiring as his space battles.
> Her own smooth defense and lithe counters feed
>perfectly against her alternate universe counterpart.
>
TOM: Wow, Marrissa's finally found a guy she can relate to completely -
herself!
>But that had not been possible for quite some time, for Marrissa lacked one
>thing that Marcus had,
MIKE: A soul. She planned to steal his.
> and had paid the price of their mutual
>contact.
CROW: $79.95, marked down from $100.
TOM: The Wal-Mart Smiley Face guy strikes again!
> Marcus's thrusts of a different type had driven Marrissa to
>heights she had not expected.
TOM: She hid out in Tibet, but the big jerk found her anyway.
> That had resulted the reason why she was
>currently forbidden to join him in practice.
>
MIKE: That, plus a dozen or so wrongful endangerment lawsuits.
>Marcus finished his practice, picking up a towel to dry the excess sweat
>from his body.
TOM: [Marcus] *Snifsnif* Hey, has someone already used my towel? It smells
like wet Tellarite and - oh wait, that's me.
> He approached Marrissa, swiftly. There was a big smile on
>his face,
MIKE: Which vanished the closer he got to Marrissa.
> as he vaulted over the edge of the hot tub and slid neatly into
>place beside her,
BOTS: *Hai-Keeba!*
> the tight briefs somehow disappearing as he did
>so.
CROW: It's Starfleet's new water-soluble uniform line.
> "Good morning, beautiful," he said, as his arm slid around her shoulders.
>
TOM: Hey, what's happened to Jay "Doormat" Gordon?
MIKE: Well, if he's smart, he beat feet while she was distracted and joined
the
cast of "Alias" or "Reba" or something.
TOM: Yeah, but it's Jay.
MIKE: Oh. In that case, he's probably the one who brings Marrissa and Marcus
their fresh towels.
>Marrissa blushed as he kissed her cheek. It always amazed her, that she
>could get used to nudity,
MIKE: She wasn't used to being nude?
CROW: She was born wearing a class-A dress officer's uniform.
> even making love to the point of two
>pregnancies, but that simple kiss to her cheek still made her blush.
TOM: So basically, Marrissa's pregnant by - herself?
[pause]
CROW: Mike, is this the definition of "a whole weird area"?
MIKE: If not, it's pretty darn close.
> "How
>was your night?" she asked. Marcus had gotten up to check on Security's
>Delta Shift,
TOM: Eventually, Security's going to have to learn to delta shift for itself.
> and until Marrissa hadn't seen him since the night before when
>she'd arrived to have a nice soak in the long hot tub on the starboard side
>of the gym.
>
MIKE: Uh-oh, Stevie went to bed and left the Prepositional Phrase generator
on overnight.
>"It was okay," Marcus said. "It wasn't wonderful.
CROW: [Marcus] They ran out of those little marshmallows for my hot cocoa
again.
TOM: [Marrissa] Poor baby.
> A night where I can
>open my eyes and see your sweet face is much better than any check up on
>Security, no matter how good the results were."
MIKE: [Marrissa] Oh honey, we're so nice to us.
> Marrissa missed being
>Chief of Security, but with a baby and another following on it's heels,
CROW: They're a family of "close walkers".
> she
>had to give it up. "Dessalines is still not living up to expectations
TOM: What they need is a Dessalines Solution!
CROW: Ouch!
> and
>you were right that he's a poison to wherever he's put.
MIKE: The little incident with Snow White and the apple proved that.
> Chief Nelson wants
>to kick him out the airlock, and I'm inclined to help at the moment."
>
CROW: I'll hold Mr. Dessalines, Charlie Brown, and you come running up and
kick him.
TOM: Good grief.
>"Assign him to guard the starboard airlock armory and inform him that his
>next move is out the door," Marrissa suggested with a giggle.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Tee-hee, threats are fun, wheee.
> She missed
>Chief Nelson,
CROW: [mockingly] Woooh, Marrissa misses Chief *Nelson*!
MIKE: Shut up!
> who had always been a reliable right hand in Security back
>when it was her department.
[bots giggle uncontrollably]
TOM: [Marrissa] Oh Chief Mikey, take me away from all this!
CROW: [ditto] You can be my security chief anytime, Nelson!
MIKE: Cut it out! And don't call me "Chief"!
> Her giggle cut off as she had that thought,
>and Marcus looked at her with a familiar expression of concern.
>
MIKE: [Marcus] Geez, is she gonna cut me off again?
>"Still missing the job?" Marcus asked, his left hand stroking the underside
>of her naked breasts.
TOM: OK, *now* Stephen's just being gratuitous!
> Marrissa nodded. He kissed her gently and Marrissa
>managed a smile as he pulled away.
CROW: [Marrissa] Enjoy it, you fool - I've got you fished in!
> Marcus echoed the smile, as he pulled
>away.
MIKE: [Marcus] Enjoy it, you fool - I've got you fished in!
> "Alpha shift is about to start, will you be okay?" Marrissa
>nodded. His concern touched her.
TOM: Oh, is *that* what they're calling it?
CROW: At least they didn't say his concern was growing.
> "I'll be on the Bridge."
>
>Marrissa watched as he toweled off his wet body
MIKE: Then she watched as he toweled off his dry body.
CROW: Marcus has a fetish for big soft fluffy towels. It was a cause
for growing concern.
> and then put on the
>uniform.
TOM: He still smelled like a musty Klingon, though, cause he forgot to
actually bathe before he toweled off.
> As he strode out of the room, Marrissa still admiring his form,
MIKE: He's a perfect isosceles triangle.
>she had but one thought.
CROW: The sweet oblivion of non-existence.
> But for a Y, there go I.
>
TOM: Maybe that explains the problems Stevie used to have with his
spellcheckers.
>--
>Stephen Ratliff stephen trekiverse org
>
>"I don't know if I'm cut out to be Captain.
MIKE: It depends on if they cut you out on the dotted line.
> First Officer
>maybe. I understand there are no real qualifications."
>- Counselor Troi, ST:TNG "Disaster"
>
>
CROW: Well, at least there's no driving the ship involved.
TOM: Hey, I think we're done.
MIKE: 'Bout time, too.
[All leave]
O |2| <3> (4) {5} [6]
[SOL - Bridge]
TOM: Wow. That was a little bit twisted around.
CROW: Ya think?
MIKE: Well, in a way, it kinda makes sense.
TOM: Wha - Mike, in what *possible* way could getting pregnant by your
gender-bent alternate universe other self be remotely thought of
as "making sense"?
MIKE: In the sense that Marrissa's ego is so hyper-inflated that no one
else could even begin to measure up.
TOM: Oh. Yeah, I guess you're right.
CROW: Of course, ya gotta wonder about the genetics involved.
MIKE: How so? I mean, they're pretty much the same except for the excess X.
CROW: Which is my point exactly! I mean, this is the sort of thing that's
bound to force all those recessive traits to the fore!
TOM: He's right, Nelson. I mean, they've already got a kid with another
supposedly on the way. What's to say they're not anemic dwarves with
squaggly teeth who spend all day picking the theme from "Deliverance"
on Vulcan autoharps?
MIKE: Well, knowing Marrissa, she and the Big M Mark 2Y probably produced a
patently perfect pair.
CROW: Yeah, all that controlling the laws of fate and statistical probability
just means they'll have the most perfect kids in the world.
MIKE: Besides, if she's *really* a royal, it's something she's used to by now,
I imagine.
TOM: Still, dating yourself seems just a little creepy.
MIKE: And again, I point out, this *is* Marrissa.
TOM: [uncertainly] Maybe. [Lights begin to flash]
MIKE: Oh, looks like Pearl's checking in. Hello, Mrs. F.
[CF - The THINGIE is now alive with coruscating energies. She & her
underlings
have been joined by someone else with his back to us.]
PEARL: At last, all my plans are coming to fruition! This is a day that
history
will mark with trembling and fear! It's earth-shaking! It's
stupefying!
It's - it's - it's...
BOBO: It's pretty, oooh!
PEARL: Bobo, please! You're ruining the majesty of the moment!
OBSERVER: I'll admit, Pearl, I'm impressed. You've created a sort of gateway
to
the stars! Almost a Starg-
PEARL: Unless you want the Sci-Fi Channel's legal team all over us, Pasty, you
won't finish that sentence. [To us] Ah, Smellson, you've finally
joined
us. I thought I'd rub this in your face so you can get ready with the
bowing and scraping early. And I invited a friend of yours. I think
you know each other.
[The fourth person turns to reveal someone dressed in jeans and a "Radford U"
sweatshirt who looks very much like Brad Pitt, only with glasses.]
STEPHEN: Hey guys.
[SOL]
MIKE: Stephen! Long time no see.
CROW: Hey, did you get that pirogue recipe I sent you?
[CF]
STEPHEN: Yeah, thanks, those were really nummy.
[SOL]
CROW: It's great-gramma Crow's recipe.
TOM: You, uh, didn't bring whatsername with you did you?
[CF]
STEPHEN: No, she's busy. She won't tell me what with, though. Apparently, it
somehow involves a quantum torpedo and strawberry Jell-O. Frankly, I'm
starting to get a little...
PEARL: Stephen's here for one reason only, Nelson! Like me, he's dedicated
his
life to inflicting torments and suffering on you, to seeing you writhe
in
indescribable agony, to leaving you nothing but a gibbering, incoherent,
pitiable heap of brok-
STEPHEN: Uh Pearl, I hate to keep bringing this up, but...
PEARL: Look, I keep telling you, the check will definitely clear this time,
OK?!? Sheesh! Anyway, in just a moment, I'm going to step through the
THINGIE and begin my conquest of all of othertime and otherspace!
[Pearl
casually puts her hand on Stephen's back] All we need now is someone to
test it out first to see if it's sa-
[Suddenly, a cacophony of discordant noise fills the castle]
PEARL: What the - Brain Guy! Bobo! What's going on?
BOBO: Oook! Lawgiver, we got incoming!
PEARL: What? Impossible! No one knows about this thing but us!
OBSERVER: Regardless, Pearl, someone *is* coming through!
[SOL]
TOM: Wow! Guys, Pearl's invented "Sliders"!
CROW: Yeah! I just hope it's one of the ones with Sabrina Lloyd.
[CF - The THINGIE is now ablaze with pseudo-sixties psychedelica. Pearl,
Bobo & Brain Guy are now huddled behind a sofa. Stephen merely looks on,
fascinated]
BOBO: Lawgiver! I'm tripping! It's the bad mushrooms!
PEARL: Never mind your Papa John's fetish, Booboo - here it comes!
[Suddenly a hole (carefully disguised until now) opens, and a lone
woman stumbles through. She's wearing jeans, a "Radford U" sweatshirt,
glasses, and looks remarkably like Angelina Jolie]
Woman: ...doing?!? PHIL! You rotten, no-good - uh - where am I?
PEARL: [bravely stepping out from behind the sofa] The hell?!? Where
in the heck did *you* come from, sister?!?
STEPHEN: Oh my. Are you okay? [he rushes forward to steady her]
Woman: I, I think so. I - [she looks into his eyes, and they stop, struck
at the sight of each other] uh - um, I, I was at the Castle with Phil
and the others...
STEPHEN: Castle?
PEARL: Phil?
Woman: Yes, Phil Forrester. Anyway, he was showing me this THINGIE he'd
invented and the next thing I knew, he'd shoved me through it.
STEPHEN: [eyeing Pearl] Really?
PEARL: [blandly] How horrible.
BOBO: But Lawgiver, weren't you about to do that with St=
PEARL: Haha, don't be silly, you strange little simian. [shoves him aside]
Did - did you say *Phil* Forrester?
Woman: Yes, that's right. In fact, he looks a lot like you - well, except
for the mustache.
OBSERVER: Hmm, let me hazard a guess - he has a she-ape and a somewhat pale
woman with a green brain working for him, correct?
Woman: You mean Koko and Brain Gal? That's right, but how - oh my! It
worked!
STEPHEN: But that means you're - you're...
Woman: Sorry. My name's Stacey - Stacey Ratliff.
STEPHEN: By the sacred effulgence of Picard!
OBSERVER: Oh.
BOBO: My.
PEARL: Gawd.
[SOL]
MIKE: Uh-huh.
CROW: Well.
TOM: Ooookay. Mike, should we helpless with laughter, terrified out of our
wits, or open-mouthed at the blatant obviousness of all this?
MIKE: I think I'm going with a soupcon of all three.
CROW: I don't know that the universe is ready for a pair of Ratliffs, guys.
Much less a distaff one.
TOM: Maybe we ought to wrap this up before we get flooded with opposite sex
counterparts.
CROW: Yeah, why don't we give with the info?
MIKE: OK. To join the MiST-
[CF - Stacey is laughing uncontrollably]
STEPHEN: What? What is it?
STACEY: BWAHAHAHAH! Hooo! Oh, that's rich - seeing them as guys!
PEARL: You mean back where you come from, they're...
STACEY: Yep! Imagine, Molly Nelson as a big old square-headed guy! And
Wren T. Wrobot, too! *snerk*
OBSERVER: Oh dear - a mental image I most certainly didn't need.
BOBO: What about the other one?
STACEY: Oh, Tom's just - [stops] Hey, he's just the same.
STEPHEN: He is?
PEARL: Really? [All stop and peer suspiciously at Tom]
[SOL - Mike & Crow are now peering suspiciously at Tom, too]
TOM: What?
CROW: Just the same, huh?
MIKE: So just what does this piece of information imply, anyway?
TOM: Obviously, that perfection exists unchanged in any dimension.
CROW: Rrrrrright.
MIKE: I'm not sure we want to pursue this line of thought, so here's the
deal: to join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an e-mail (presuming
it's back up again) to "majo...@pinky.wtower.com" with "subscribe
dibslist" in the message body! When it's also back up again, Read the
FAQ at "http://www.masemware.com/mst3k/faq.shtml", don't work blue,
and try to avoid any unseemly cross-dimensional transgenedered self-
involved love affairs.
TOM: Good advice, even if you're not joining the Dibs list.
CROW: You don't get to give advice until we straighten this out.
TOM: Fine, ignore perfection.
MIKE: Never mind that, you guys - we've still got a bunch of cereal left.
CROW: Now *that's* perfection!
TOM: Stand aside you two - I hear a certain Count Chocula calling my name!
[CF - Stephen and Stacey are deep in conversation. Pearl is pretty much
armed to the teeth, and getting armier by the minute as she straps on
grenades, guns, plasma rifles, etc.]
STEPHEN: No kidding? Marrissa is, too. Well, she's a *princess* instead of a
prince obviously. So is Marcus married?
STACEY: Yep. He and Jill Alice Gordon got were wed in "A Regal Marriage".
It won a prize in the rec.arts.tv.startrek.creative awards.
STEPHEN: Do you help moderate those, too?
STACEY: Yeah, but seems like I've done it for forever. Sometimes, I wonder
why I keep doing it.
STEPHEN: Insufficient reluctance?
STACEY: What else? [Both laugh]
PEARL: Aw criminey pete, you two, get a room!
OBSERVER: Pearl, be reasonable.
PEARL: Reasonable my hinder! This "Phil Forrester" is a threat to
my plans! It's gonna be him or me!
OBSERVER: But can't you just agree to divide all of reality or something?
PEARL: Listen, Chalky, either you're the ruler of *all* creation, or you're
not.
No two ways about it. Now stand aside, I'm going in!
BOBO: Will you bring us something back, Lawgiver?
PEARL: Yeah - "Phil"'s head on a platter! [she scoots through the THINGIE's
hole and vanishes]
BOBO: Oh. I was kind of hoping for a snowglobe.
STACEY: So what do you think will happen?
STEPHEN: Well, they're two megalomaniacal, egomaniacal, just plain maniacal
mad scientists who are exactly alike except for one chromosome. Which
means...
OBSERVER: Which means they'll either destroy each other or wind up married.
BOBO: And either way, I bet I won't get a snowglobe.
STACEY: Oh. Hm. [pause] Say, who's for pizza?
OBSERVER: Excellent idea.
BOBO: No mushrooms though.
[All wander off, and the scene fades out]
STEPHEN: [os] So did you write about the four words, too?
STACEY: [os] Sure did - "susurruss", "yurt", "antidisestablishmentarianism"
and "bling".
STEPHEN: [os] ...the hey?!?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"DUTY, LOYALTY, TRUST, HONOR" BY: Stephen Ratliff
"BUT FOR A Y, GO I" ALSO BY: Stephen Ratliff
MiSTING BY: Bill Livingston
MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED (IN THEORY) BY: Michael Neylon
CROSSWORD PUZZLES BY: Will Shortz
IT'S NOT UNUSUAL TO BE LOVED BY: Anyone
LAW & ORDER: Trial by Jury
SPECIAL GUEST STARS: Brad Pitt as Stephen Ratliff and Angelina Jolie
as Stacey Ratliff
THANKS: To MiSTies, MuSTies, RATMMers, the teachers of America, Rags
Morales, the Kellogg's corporation, The Bleat (at lileks.com),
and the memory of Johnny Carson.
"Star Trek: TNG" and all associated characters and situations are
trademark of and (c) Paramount. All rights reserved. Even the right to
kill off beloved Android characters in sub-par movie sequels.
Marrissa is {c} Marrissa. Are *you* gonna argue with her?
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" trademark of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. All
rights reserved. Now appearing at a party at Jack Taylor's.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by others is intended or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or
should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional, and any
resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Contrary to what the establishment *wants* you to believe, man!
Please don't touch the chicken puppet.
Keep circulating the posts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>I'm Marrissa, and I'm an officer in Star Fleet. Many people have asked me why
>I am. It's not something easy to explain.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
bil...@hiwaay.net http://home.hiwaay.net/~billfl
"If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. And if you're smart,
surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you."
Isaac Jaffee (Robert Guillaume), "Sports Night"