[MiSTied] Quick Cash part 1
Claye Hodge
MiST it! Comments, reactions...etc. e-mail them to crh...@delphi.com...
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[Beginning Credits]
[1...2...3...4...5...6...7...]
[SOL]
[A wrestling ring is in the middle. Crow and Tom are in it, Crow is lying
on the mat, Tom is on top of him holding Crow's leg.]
CROW: Are UNGH you sure this is safe? UNGHHH!
TOM: Why SURE! Scared I'm going to pin you?
CROW; NEVER! ARGH!
[Mike walks in.]
MIKE: Hi guys.. WHAT THE..?
CROW: We're wrestling.
TOM: Yeah, I've got Crow in a reverse leglock.
MIKE: But Tom, that's dangerous! You could get hurt!
TOM: Oh Come on! Wrestling is fake!
MIKE: But real wrestlers know what they're doing. They've practiced their
moves.
CROW: UNGH! Aw, do you really UNGH think I'm gonna let this little red
midget for a robot beat me, Crusher Crow?
TOM: Oh, that's it! Now I'm REALLY going to pulverise you! [Tom pulls back,
Crow's leg comes off.] Oops. [commercial sign flashes.]
CROW: AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
MIKE: Doh, See what I mean? And we've got commercial sign too. [Mike taps
commercial sign light. Crow is still screaming in pain.]
[Commercials]
[Crow is lying on the desk. Mike is tying a string to Crow's leg. The other
end of the string is holding up weights.]
CROW: Mike, Mike. What are you doing?
MIKE: Well, I told you that you'd get hurt. So I'm having to put you in
traction to fix your leg.
CROW: But Mike, Mike! No! DON'T!
MIKE: Well that should do it. [Mike unties something holding the weights
up. The weights quickly drop.]
CROW: WOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! [Crow is pulled with the weights. We
hear a crashing sound. Mads light flashes.] Ow, ow, ow, ow....
[Mike taps Mads light.]
[D13]
[Dr. Forrester is in a contraption like from Aliens or like the BGC19.]
DR.F: Ah. Hello, Mitch. [CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK. Dr.F is slowly moving towards
the screen, in the contraption.] I see your robot compadres' are in
the combative or fighting mood. Well, so are we. Remember playing
Rock'em Sock'em Robots? Well, I thought.."Today's the Virtual-Age,
so let's get LIVE!" And that's why I've invented Virtual-Rock'em
Sock'em! You see, you get into these suits, put your feet into the
foot holes, and control the punching by putting your arms into the
arm sockets, get ready to rumble! Ready Frank? [Frank walks
on-screen, also in a suit.]
FRANK: Ready.
DR.F: Frank is in the black corner. I'm in the light-green corner.
[A bell is rung. Dr. F and Frank trade a few punches. Frank moves off-screen
Dr.F gives a punch and we hear a sound of a spring. Then what looks like
the head part of Frank's suit, with Frank's head in it, but we don't see
it, is seen springing on and off-screen.]
DR.F:[Slowly moves back towards the screen.] Well.. Your experiment is yet
another chain letter post. You thought Make Money Fast was a big
puke-fest? Well, Quick Cash will have you lurching in pain! Enjoy!
Send them the post, Frank. [Looks at Franks head bobbing back and
forth.] Oh, nevermind. I'll get it. [Dr.F punches the console.]
[SOL]
[Lights flashing, panic everywhere.]
ALL: QUICK CASH???? OHHHHHH WE'VE GOT POST SIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGNNNN!!!
[7...6...5...4...3...2...1...]
[Mike and the bots enter the theater.]
MIKE: You okay, Crow?
CROW: Don't talk to me, I'm bitter.
>----------TAKE A MINUTE TO READ THIS..............IT IS WORTH IT!!!!!!
CROW: No it isn't.
>
>Your attention, PLEASE!
ALL: AH!
>
>If every person who reads this memo would follow the enclosed instructions,
TOM: You are dumber than I thought you were.
>EACH of us could be $RICH$!!! Remember, this is not a "gimmick!"
CROW: It's a scam.
> This
> is a legitimate operation, the likes of which are run all around the world.
>All you need to do to prove this is check your local telephone directories!
MIKE: And look under S for scandals, scams, and swindlers.
TOM: Hey Mike, the minute is over. Let's go.
MIKE: You know we can't.
> Look under "Mailing Lists" and you will find brokers of ALL kinds! The
CROW: Even brokers from Mars???
> only real difference is that THEY are doing their business
TOM: Legitimately.
> one person at
>a time and YOU may perform your tasks HUNDREDS of people at a time!
MIKE: Of course, this may lead to HUNDREDS of spamming, and mail bombing.
>All you need to do is read the following entries and follow the few simple
>insturctions,
TOM: Should you or your Impossible Missions Force choose to accept this
mission.
> and YOU may go into business for YOURSELVES!!!
CROW: But I only have one self.
>Happy postings, and I hope to hear from you soon!
TOM: But you never gave us your name OR your address.
>
>Dear Friend,
MIKE: Friend? But I don't even know you.
>
> My name is Dona Silverstien.
ALL: Hi Dona.
> In September 1988 my car was reposessed
>and the bill collectors were hounding me like you wouldn't believe.
CROW: Oh, the same way these Make Money Fast schemes hound us?
> I was
>laid off and my unemployment checks had run out. The only escape I had
TOM:[lady] Calgon! Take me away!
>from the pressure of failure was my apple computer and my modem. I longed
>to turn my avocation into my vocation. This January 1989 my family
MIKE: All this pressure gave her Amnesia. This is 1995.
>and I went on a ten day cruise to the tropics. I bought a Lincoln Town
>Car for CASH in February 1989. I am currently building a home on the West
>Coast of Florida, with a provate pool,
CROW: What's a provate pool?
> boat slip, and a beautiful view of
TOM: Yeah, and what's a boat slip?
MIKE: Okay guys. Turn down your spelling error sensitivity.
>the bay from my breakfast room table and patio.
>
>I will never have to work again. Today I am rich!
TOM: And completely out of my mind.
> I have earned over
>$400,000.00 (Four Hundred Thousand Dollars) to date and will become a
CROW: How do you take money on a date?
>millionaire within 4 or 5 months. Anyone can do the same. This money
MIKE: The only requirement is having no sense at all.
>making program works perfectly every time, 100% of the time. I have NEVER
>failed to earn $50,000 or more whenever I wanted.
TOM: Okay, we get it! It works everytime.
MIKE: If he's trying this hard to convince us, it MUST be a sham.
> Best of all you
>never have to leave home except to go to your mailbox or post office.
CROW: But that takes too much effort.
>
>In October 1988, I received a letter in the mail telling me how I could
>earn $50,000 or more whenever I wanted.
MIKE: It was a letter to join Devry.
> I was naturally ver skeptical and
>threw the letter on the desk next to my computer. It's funny though, when
>you are desperate, backed into a corner, your mind does crazy things.
TOM: Just think how desperate the author of this post must have been.
> I
>spent a frustrating day looking through the wanted ads for a job with a
>future.
CROW: Surely, he isn't saying looking for a job is crazy.
> The pickings were sparse at best. That night I tried to unwind
>by booting up my Apple computer and calling several bulletin boards.
MIKE: He IS desperate.
>
>I read several of the message posts and then glanced at the letter next
>to the computer. All at once it came to me,
TOM: Two plus two equals FOUR!
> I now had the key to my
>dreams. I realized that with the power of the computer
TOM: I could become... a SUPER-HERO!!!
> I could expand and
>enhance this money making formula into the most unbelievable cash flow
>generator that has ever been created.
ALL: The Information Superhighway.
> I substituted the computer bulletin
>boards in place of the post office and electronically did by computer what
>others were doing 100% by mail.
CROW: Ordering from QVC.
> Now only a few letters are mailed
>manually. Most of the hard work is speedily downloaded to other bulletin
>boards throughout the world.
MIKE: Of course the downside of this is a lot of long distance phone bills,
and a lot of flame posts.
> If you believe that someday you deserve that
>lucky break that you have waited for all your life,
CROW: Ignore this post.
> simply follow the easy
>instructions below. Your dreams will come true.
TOM:[singing] And we'll do it our way. Yes, our way...
>
>Sincerely yours,
>
>Dona Silverstien
CROW: But I don't want her.
>
>
>
>INSTRUCTIONS
>
>Follow these instructions EXACTLY, and in 20 to 60 days you will have
>received well over $50,000 cash, all yours. This program has remained
>successful because of the honesty and integrity of the participants.
MIKE: How can they put the word honesty in the same paragraph as this?
>Please continue its success by carefully adhering to the instructions.
>
>1) Immediately mail $1.00 to the first 5 names listed below starting at
>number 1 through number 5. Send cash only please ( Total investment $5.00)
TOM: Visa, and MasterCard are accepted.
>Enclose a note with each letter stating: "Please add my name name to your
>mailing list." ( This is a legitimate service that you are requesting and
>you are paying $1.00 for this service)
CROW: Yeah, right.
>
>2) Remove that name that appears number 1 on the list. Move the other 9
>names up one position. (Number 2 will become number 1 and number 3 will
>become number 2, etc.) Place you name, address, and zip code in the number
>10 position.
CROW: Okay, move number three to number eight.
TOM: No no no, move number five to number two.
MIKE: No, both of you are wrong. You place your address in the number six
position, your name in the number three position, and your zip code in
the number one position.
>
>3) Post the new letter with your name in the number 10 position into 10
>(ten) separate bulletin boards in the message base or to the file section,
>call teh file, QUIKCASH.
MIKE: Of course, now that everyone who is on the net, has seen the Quick
Cash post, they will ignore your file. I suggest a different name.
>
>4) Within 60 days you will receive over $50,000 in CASH. Keep a copy of
>this file for yourself so that you can use it again and again whenever you
>need money.
TOM: Or you could do like every sane person, and go to the unemployment
office.
> As soon as you mail out these letters you are automatically
>in the mail order business and people are sending you $1.00 to be
>placed on your mailing list.
CROW: Or to keep you from bugging them anymore.
> This list can then be rented to a list broker
>that can be found in the Yellow Pages for additional income on a regular
>basis. The list will become more valuable as it grows in size.
MIKE: Valuable to your local police department.
> This is a
>service. This is perfectly legal. If you have andy doubts, refer to
>Title 18, Sec. 1302 &1341 of the postal lottery laws.
TOM: If this is truely legal, I don't think there's a need in telling us
it's legal, about five million times.
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continued in part II
Claye Hodge
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