MiSTing: "Spice Up Your Life" [1/1]

[Matthew R Blackwell]

Mystery Usenet Theater 3000: "Spice Up Your Life"
By Cassie Consten
MiSTing by Matt Blackwell

[Season 8 Opening]
[The scene opens up on the bridge of the Satellite of Love. Tom
and Crow sit near the control console, talking animatedly.]

Tom: Okay, the continuing attacks on the White House?
Crow: A vast Right wing conspiracy focused on bringing down
the president.
Tom: The lack of nuclear power stations in the US?
Crow: Opposition from the oil companies. Who, by the way, are also
keeping the "100 miles per gallon of gas" engine suppressed.
Tom: The failure of Waterworld?
Crow: Michael Medved used his connections with the FreeMasons
to have the movie fail.
[Mike walks onto the Bridge.]
Mike: Hi everybody, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm
Mike Nelson, and I along with my robot companions, are the
subject of a bizarre science project. And I have no idea of
what they're doing now.
[Mike walks over to the bots.]
Say guys, what'cha up to?
Tom: Oh, hi Mike. We're playing "Guess the Conspiracy."
Crow: Tom gives me a subject and I try to guess what conspiracy
caused it to happen.
Mike: Ah. Okay.
Tom: So, anyway. The cancellation of Star Trek?
Crow: The Greys didn't want people interested in space
travel.
Tom: And the airing of Voyager?
Crow: The Greys thought that showing it would get people
uninterested in space travel.
Tom: And Seven of Nine?
Crow: Oh, that's all Rick Berman's fault.
[The Mad light begins to flash.]
Mike: Enough guys. The Zeta Reticulans are calling.
[Mike hits the light.]

<The Widowmaker>
[Pearl's in the driver's seat while Bobo stares intently
at the Observer.]
Pearl: Good morning, Mr. Danniken. We'll got a lovely little
story for you today. . .
Bobo: [Interrupting] Admit it, Brain guy, you're an alien,
aren't you?
Observer: Of course I'm an alien, you simian simpleton!
You and Pearl landed on my homeworld. [Glares at the
viewscreen.] Then Michael blew it up.

<SoL>
Mike: [Sheepishly] It was an accident. . .
Tom: Suuure Mike. Sure it was.
Crow: Mike, you're a Shriner, right?
Mike: No Crow, I'm not a Shriner.

<Widowmaker>
Bobo: So you're going to try and suck out our eyeballs, aren't
you?
Observer: No! Pearl, get him away from me!
Pearl: Bobo, stop pestering Brain guy. [To Mike] Anyway, your
torture today is a piece of fan-fiction combining two
hot pieces of entertainment.

<SoL>
Mike: A Buffy/ Dawson's Creek crossover?
Tom: An Drew Carey Show/Titanic crossover?
Crow: A Babylon 5/ Family Matters crossover?

<Widowmaker>
Pearl: No, nothing as imaginative as that. This one's
called "Spice Up Your Life" and it combines everyone's
favorite FBI agents Mulder and Scully, with the pop
super group The Spice Girls. Enjoy.

<SoL>
Mike: Oh no. We've got fan-fic sign!
[The lights flash. The bots run around. The door sequence begins.]

[6. . . 5. . .4 . . .3. . .2. . .1. . .]
[The trio enters and sits.]

Crow: You're in the Tri-Lateral Commission then, right Mike?
Mike: Wrong.

>From: "Cassie Consten" <xtr...@hotmail.com>
>Subject: "Spice Up Your Life"
>Date sent: Sat, 13 Dec 1997 15:06:15 PST

>SPICE UP YOUR LIFE

Crow: This is going to be a fan-fic about GNC, isn't it?
Tom: It might be about Ginsana.

>By Cassie Consten

>Summary: Skinner asks Mulder and Scully to keep an eye on five very
>*giddy* Spice Girls while they are under an alien influence.

Mike: So, when do they not act like they're under an alien influence?

>Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully and Skinner belong to the marvelous Chris
>Carter, 1013, and FOX broadcasting, the only network I'll watch!

Mike: Wow. She must be a big Hannity and Colmes fan.

> The
>Spice Girls belong to Emma, Gerri, Mel B., Melanie C. And Victoria.

Tom: I thought that the idea belonged to their producer.

>Spoilers: the whole series

Crow: So if I read this story, I'll understand what the conspiracy
plotline means? Cool!

>Keywords: Mulder/other romance; X

>Rating: PG maybe G... You be the judge!

>Special Thanks: To all of those die hard SG fans out there, who
>taught me to love Girl Power! *P, L & H!*

Mike: Procurement, Logisitcs and Housing?
Crow: Palmer, Lake, and Howe?
Tom: Panzers, LAWS and Howitzers?

>===================================================================

Crow: Sammiches! As far as the eye can see!

>A.D. Skinner's office

Mike: Boy, Fleetway's published some really silly titles.

>December 31, 1997
>9:43 AM

Tom: Huh? It's not 10:13? This can't be an X-Files story then.

> Mulder and Scully sat still, waiting for their next assignment,
>wary of being scolded for their last one.

Tom: [Mulder] Look, sir. When I see three mutated animals attacking a
helpless family, I'm going to shoot them!
Mike: [Skinner] That was Huey, Louie and Dewey! You were at
Disneyland! I sent you there to get some rest after you shot

up a Chuck E. Cheese's, remember?

> "Agent Scully, I'm sure
>you're familiar with the term 'prolonged psychosis due to substance
>abuse', am I right?"

Mike: You don't need to answer that one Mr. "I see aliens everywhere."

We already know your answer.

> Scully nodded. "I'm sure you are also familiar
>with the pop group 'Spice Girls.'"

Crow: [Scully] Yes sir. They're one of the signs of the Apocalypse.

> "Yes sir, kids play it in my building all the time"

Mike: And I hate them for it. [mumbles] Lousy little hooligans. I'm
sure that they're stealing my TV Guide too. But I've got a
way to prove it. Yes. Oh yes, I do. [Mike begins to mumble
incoherently.]
Tom: Mike? Miiike? Sheesh. [To Crow] We've lost him again. Can you do
the honors?
Crow: Sure.
[Crow reaches over and smacks Mike's head.]
Mike: Huh?
Crow: Sorry, there was a fly on your head.
Mike: Oh. Okay. Um, where were we?
Tom: In Skinner's office.

> He shook his head.

Crow: Causing him to loose even more of his hair.

> "You've only heard the music though, never actually seen the
>band?" Scully nodded again. "So I suppose you are *not* familiar
>with the 'overly-excited' behavior that they boast?"

Mike: Spice Girls? Overly excited?
Tom: Nah. They're no more energetic than your average crack addict is.

Crow: Only if that crack addict has also been drinking coffee non-stop

for a few days.

> "Sir, with all do respect, don't most Generation X bands boast
>overly-excited attitudes?"

Mike: Well, with the exception of Smash Mouth, yes.

> He looked at her sternly, before chuckling.

Crow: [Skinner] You know, it's a shame that the Consortium's going to
force me to kill you.

> "Agent Scully, I am putting you and Agent Mulder on 'guard duty'.
>We have reason to believe that these girls are under an influence of
>something, ahhh, not from this terrestrial sphere."

Tom: [Skinner] So, we want you to contact a Mr. John_-_Winston. He'll
give you more information.

> With that, Mulder
>sat up in his chair.

Mike: [Mulder] Aliens? Oh boy, oh boy. Let me at 'em!

> "What evidence did you collect to come to this conclusion, sir?"

Crow: It was in the Drudge Report.

> "After making a scene at a London restaurant, the police hauled
>them in for some blood tests. No hallucinogen or steroid was found,
>but this semi-organic hybrid chemical, seemingly from another planet,
>was." He handed them both a chart, with complicated DNA patterns
>scrawled all over them.

Tom: [Scully] Sir? This isn't a DNA strand, it's the board from a
Chutes and Ladders game.

> "Sir, are you asking us to keep an eye on these five girls until
>you can identify the chemical that has infected their blood?"

Crow: [Skinner] Well, yeah. But, if you're interested, the Backstreet
Boys have offered 100 large if the Spice Grils, ahem, have
a little "accident" if you catch my drift.

> Skinner
>passed them two plane tickets.

Tom: Braniff? Huh. I didn't know they were back in business.

> "You leave for London tomorrow morning at 10:00. Have a happy
>new year!" He said, with a sly grin.

Mike: Of course, the FBI has no jurisdiction in England, but we're
sending you anyway.
Tom: We're really hoping that we start an international incident here.

We really need to distract people from that intern thing.

> They walked out of Skinner's office, baffled by what they had to
>do.

Crow: [Mulder] "We're going to England? Is Skinner insane?"
Tom: [Scully] "Well, he has been watching "The Bodyguard" constantly
for the past few weeks.

>"Mulder, this is going to be worse than the Peacocks!" He looked at
>her innocently.

> "You mean, you didn't think that was fun? Scully, I'm hurt." He
>gave her the sad puppy face.

Mike: Then he gave her the sad puppy carcass.
[The bots stare at Mike, speechless.]
Mike: What?
Crow: Nothing Mike.
[After Mike turns back to the screen, Tom and Crow quickly scoot
themselves farther away from Muke.]

> "Let's go, we have a lot of packing to do." They went their
>separate ways, neither one quite knowing what to expect.

Crow: Actually, being attacked by axe-wielding Belgian devil
possessed nuns was the one thing that they were both
expecting, but that'll come later on in the story.

>===================================================================

Crow: No, these TIE Fighters are *all* defective. You'll have to take
them back.

>Outside Planet Hollywood
>London, England
>2:40 PM

Tom: Hmmm. Still no 10:13 or 11:21. Something's desperately wrong
here. I can feel it.

>January 1, 1998

> Mulder and Scully stood waiting outside of the famous London
>Planet Hollywood, for the police cars to deliver the five Spice Girls.

Tom: What were they arrested for?
Crow: The fashion police got them.
Mike: Wow. England actually has fashion police?
Crow: Sure. Henry VIII started them up.

>It soon pulled up, and Mulder gawked while Scully stood jealous.

Tom: Then Scully remembered "Playing God" + "Spiceworld" and her
jealousy vanished.

> Mel B. Came out, wrapped from shoulders to ankles in silver
>polyester with black tiger stripes, a silver top hat, and four inch
>black platforms.

Crow: Mike, I realize that this is just text and we can't actually see

anything, but. . .
Mike: Every bit of your soul is screaming out 'tacky' right now?
Crow: Bingo.
Mike: Me too.

> Not to be outdone, Gerri slid out with a black lace
>shirt *not* covering a black bra, and a mid-thigh length red mini.
>Her platforms were about six inches tall, bright red with one black
>star on the front of each.

Crow: Coincidentally that was also J. Edgar Hoover's favorite outfit.

> Emma came out of the second car, in a soft pink silk dress,
>running down to about knee-length. Modesty was not, however, in her
>dress either, since it was 95% see through. Out stepped Melanie C.

Tom: She was dressed like Yassir Arafat, for reasons that we won't go
into here.

> In a bright electric purple midriff and a pair of nylon soccer pants:
>black. She wore Nike Airs, pumped up to the max.

Crow: Which gained her an extra 1/4" of height.

> Mulder nearly fainted when he saw Victoria step out of the car in
>a pearly black Gucci that went down to her upper *upper* thigh.

Crow: I believe that's referred to as "the waist."

> She
>had silver streaks on her cheeks, and her shoes were subtle black
>flats.

Mike: "Subtle" and "Spice Girls" are not two words which go
together.

> She sauntered right up to Mulder, and ruffled his hair.

Crow: Ah. It's Mulder's Aunt Hilda in a cunning disguise.

> "Let me guess," Scully said rudely. "*You* are the famous
>'Spice Girls'." The girls started to run around crazily. "Stop!
>Come back here!" But it was too late,

Crow: She'd already been spiced, right there in the porduce section.

> they had already dashed into
>Planet Hollywood, Mulder close behind.

Tom: Hey look! They've got Dave's dress from Twin Peaks on display!

> In the restaurant, Scully kept good watch on the five, using
>Mulder as a decoy. Apparently, there was a mutual attraction between
>Victoria and Mulder. "Okay everybody, settle down or I'm flying
>Mulder back to D.C." They all sat quietly.

Mike: "Well, if he flies back to D.C. could he send that sexy bald guy

back here?"

> "Okay, what do you all
>want?"

Crow: NOOOOO!!!! THEY'RE GOING TO SING!!!!!
All: AIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!!

> The girls looked at each other for a moment and said "Salad!"
>in unison.

All: Whew.

> So Scully ordered six garden salads and a burger, medium-
>rare, for Mulder.

Crow: After all, only filthy male pigs are cruel enough to eat meat.

> They ate in silence, except for an occasional threat made by
>Scully to keep the giddiness to a minimum. After dinner, while
>Victoria and Mulder were all over each other, Mel, Gerri, Emma,
>Melanie and Scully decided where to stay.

> "I suggest the London Hilton. Very good mints." Said Emma.

Mike: The beds are vermin infested, and they put six people in a 6x6
room, but their mints really rock!

> "Thank you Emma, we'll consider the Hilton.

Tom: Well, there goes our budget surplus.
Crow: Thanks, you heartless government lackeys!

> Any other
>suggestions?" Gerri raised her hand, like Scully instructed for
>requesting speech.

Mike: Dana Scully, 3rd Grade English teacher.

> "Go ahead, Gerri."

> "Well, I used to date this peach, and he would take me to
>Billiard's on 46th and Scotts. Very regal, also good mints."

Crow: Mike? Is there a mint shortage in England that we're not aware
of?

> Scully
>looked disgusted, but tried her best not to show it.

Mike: Then she shrugged and said, "Oh, what the hell" then pulled
out her 9mm and began to slaughter her tablemates.

> "Okay, what do you say? Billiard's or the Hilton?" After what
>looked like deep thought, they decided on Johnson's Inn on Main and
>Thames.

Crow: They chose a cheaper hotel!
Tom: Hooray! With the money they just saved, we can now fund Medicare!
Mike: London has a Main street?

> "Mulder, let's go." Scully tried to persuade Mulder to push
>Victoria off of his lap, but to no avail. So, she pulled the poor
>girl right off. "Let's go!"

Mike: Hey ho, let's go!

>===================================================================

Tom: Boy, this lift line is really long!

> There were also problems with the hotel, since they were only
>able to get two rooms. "Victoria and I could share a room, Scully."
>Mulder suggested, the idea greeted with a shriek of excitement from
>Victoria.

Mike: [excitedly] Why, I'd like that almost as much as I'd like
getting a root canal!

> "Mulder, you are so helpful.

Crow: Subtext: <Dickweed.>

> Fine, you and Victoria can share a
>room, but you have to take one other girl with you."

Tom: Ooh! How about Madeline Albright?

> Mulder pulled
>Melanie C. With him, and they ran to get their room.

> Scully had to drag Mel, Emma and Gerri to the room, to keep them
>from frantically flirting with the bellhop, whom she found quite
>unattractive. "Come on, or I will shoot loverboy with this big gun I
>have."

Mike: Just because he's rocking like a hurricane?

> They all stared at her Smith, frightened.

[pause]
Tom: Aren't they called Johnsons, not Smiths?
Crow: Scully's really Jaye Davidson!
[Mike buries his head in his hands.]

> Soon however, they
>arrived at the room, finding that it was very spacey and looked
>comfortable.

Crow: But I thought that he didn't hang that way?
Mike: Crow, don't go there.

> "Dana, you can have the bed. We are already putting you out."
>Emma said kindly. So far, Emma was the only girl Scully actually
>liked.
>Sort of.

Tom: I can't imagine why a person who wrote their dissertation on
quantum mechanics would find the Spice Girls to be annoying.

> "Why thank you Emma. There are two couches, so two of you can
>sleep on them, and we can call for extra blankets so somebody can
>sleep on the floor." Big mistake. This started an all out battle
>about who would have to sleep on the floor.

Tom: The UN then deployed peacekeepers in the hotel room to keep
The battle from escalating.

> "I shouldn't have to, I had to sleep on the floor in the coppy
>house!" Shouted Mel, pounding Gerri on the head with a pillow.

Crow: ...which caused her skull to crack, sending blood, bone
fragments, and bits of skull all over the place.
Mike: It's Sam Peckinpah's "Spice Up Your Life."

> "I'll get split ends!"

Crow: Ooh! I'll get Simple Minds!
Mike: And I'll get Echo and the Bunnymen!
Tom: Dibs on Thomas Dolby!

> Hollered Gerri, pushing Emma to the
>ground in turn. After about ten minutes, Scully was fed up.

> "Listen to me. *I'll* sleep on the floor. Emma, you take the
>bed, Gerri and Mel can take the couches. Does that clear everything
>up?" The room looked content with her decision.

Tom: Well of course. The people who were whining haven't been
inconvenienced in the least by this decision.

> Meanwhile, in Mulder's room, some interesting things were going
>on as well. But, after all, we should give a man his privacy.

Tom: Unfortunately, the 26 members of the paparazzi perched outside
Mulder's window didn't feel the same way.
Crow: Cool! The "Tom and Pammie" website is offering "Fox and Vickie"
videos too!

>===================================================================

Mike: These inscriptions are from the Egyptian pre-hieroglyphic era...

> Around eleven o'clock, when Mel and Gerri had fallen asleep, Emma
>and Scully lay awake. "Dana?" Emma whispered into the darkness.
>"Are you up?"

Crow: That's a rather personal question.

> "Yes, I never quite got to sleep." She said, trying her hardest
>to hide her annoyance with the other two girls.

> "I'm sorry you have to do this, I mean, they said that they
>didn't even know what was wrong. We should have been able to take
>care of ourselves. Lord knows that the other four would go crazy if I
>weren't here, but I am, so you really didn't have to come out here."

Tom: See, if you weren't here, then me and the other girls could go on

the drug-crazed crime spree that we were planning. Oops. I
wasn't supposed to let that slip out.<giggle>

> "Don't blame yourself, I'm not having a bad time. And
>apparently, Mulder isn't either." She giggled slightly.

Crow: [Scully] He'll be dead in the morning anyway. [giggles]

> "Besides,
>until they find out that whatever is in your bloodstream is safe, your
>own well-being is turning. We need to be here to make sure that you
>don't do something that could harm you." Emma smiled.

Mike: Revealing the horrid results of the British dental system.
Bots: Ewwwwwww.

> "Thank you, Dana. I apologize for everybody else's odd behavior,
>as well as mine. Maybe we can't help it, but it's not rational and we
>should learn to control it." She turned over onto her stomach, so
>that she was looking down on Scully. "You know, you're the only
>person I know that is the same height."

Crow: Non sequitir theater everyone.
Mike: Maybe the Spice Girl's dialogue is generated by a computer
program.
Tom: It'd explain Spiceworld.

> They laughed, and then went
>to sleep.

Mike: Scully then stopped pretending to sleep, got up, and ruthlessly
murdered her companions.
Tom: Mike, are you feeling okay?

>===================================================================

Mike: Hmm. Jeep tracks.

> The next morning, they all went out to breakfast at a little
>diner on the corner near the palace. It was called "Believers Cove,"
>ironically enough.

Mike: Also ironically enough, the cafe was at the corner of Mulder
Avenue and Scully Street.

> "So Mulder, did you all have a nice night?" Victoria, Melanie
>and Mulder looked at each other and blushed. "That good, huh?"

> "Scully, since when is my personal life any concern of yours?"

> "Oh, Mr. Congeniality, I recall several occasions in which you
>were *very* concerned in *my* personal life. Let's see here, there
>was Ed Jerse, Brother Andrew, and on one occasion, even *you* became
>quite personal with me."

Crow: Not to mention the hundreds of fanfics where they've done it.

> "Don't lie, Scully, you know that was Eddie Van Blundht, not me.
>If you really want to know, we had a nice evening, which consisted of
>*only* first and second base."

> "Well, Mr. Mulder, from what we could hear, you hit a homer or
>two!" Gerri said, and the four of them burst out into a fit of
>laughter. "Melanie, you were always supposed to be the modest one!"

Mike: Well, modest for the Spice Girls means that she only makes a
public spectacle of herself once or twice a day.

> "If you'll excuse me, I must go freshen up." Melanie C. Quickly
>left the table and headed for the ladies room.

> "Uh-oh, I think we struck a nerve." Scully hopped up from her
>chair, followed by Mel, Gerri and Emma. Surprise surprise, Victoria
>remained plastered to Mulder.

Crow: Fox honey, when are you going to unlock our handcuffs?

> They found Melanie crouched in a stall, crying to herself. Not
>wanting to be bothered, she slammed the door upon their entrance, and
>locked it.

Tom: Unfortunately, the lock was on the other side of the door, and it

wouldn't be opened again for a week. She was trapped in the
bathroom with the Spice Girls...
Crow: Gasp!
Mike: The horror. The horror!

> Melanie, come out of there!" Shouted Mel, but to no avail.
>"I'll go under the door!"

Crow: The stall door goes all of the way to the floor though, so
she'll have to grab a jackhammer.

> "Why should I come out? So that I can be joked at again? What
>kind of stupid do you take me for, anyway?" Scully decided to take
>over, using hostage lessons that she took at Quantico.

Mike: And since the government recently implemented a "no hostages"
policy, she opened fire on the stall with a hail of bullets.

> "Nobody is going to ridicule you, Melanie. We were simply trying
>to have a little fun. Sorry if we made you feel bad, it was mostly
>aimed at Mulder. Really though, what *did* you do last night?" They
>heard her unlocking the door, and she came out tear-stained.

> "If you must know, I didn't do anything with anybody, I watched
>the television. I didn't want to disturb Fox and Victoria, they were
>having a little make-out session. That's all though, they only
>kissed."

Mike: Uh huh.
Tom: And then the tooth fairy flew through the window and gave us bags

of quarters.

> Mel and Gerri looked a little disappointed, but soon became
>comforting. "If you didn't do anything, then why are you so upset?"
>Emma asked, obviously concerned.

Crow: [Emma] If she leaves the band, then maybe *I* can become Sporty
Spice!

> "I'm not upset, I'm fine." They all raised their eyebrows.
>"Okay, so I'm not fine. I'm upset because I couldn't possibly have
>the appeal that you all do. I am "Sporty" remember? Not Baby or
>Ginger or Scary or Posh...

Tom: Or Hefty or Accountant or Unattractive or Psychotic.
Crow: Or Fang or Shoe-Shine or Gut-ripper or Woozy.
Mike: oR tORgO SpICe.

> Just Sporty. Big deal. What kind of sexual
>attraction does 'Sporty' have? None. None at all."

Crow: So, athletic women aren't attractive?
Mike: I'll tell Gabrielle Reece.

> The three other
>girls nodded in agreement,

Mike: How nice. "Yep, we think that you're a big cow too."

> so Scully spoke up to reassure her.

Tom: Look, you can still hookup with a guy who just left prison...

> "Melanie, you are a beautiful girl, and I'm sure there are a lot
>of young men out there swooning over you. I mean, you're not obsessed
>about the way you look, mind you you *do* look good, and you play and
>like sports. What more could a guy want?"

Mike: A sense of humor.
Tom: Intelligence.
Crow: A woman who's comfortable with all aspects of herself.
Mike: Wow Crow. That's much more sensitive than your usual. . .
Crow: And she needs a rich father who's just about to croak.
Mike: Sigh.

> Melanie cocked her head in
>thought.

Tom: Gee Scully, we don't even know if the Queen has a jetski.

> "I guess you're right. But if I could have any guy, why can't I
>have Fox?" She said, disappointed.

Tom: Well, he is in 5th grade.
Mike: She's talking about Peter, not Jason.

> "Believe me, Melanie, Mulder will take body over mind and
>personality any day.

Tom: This of course overlooks the "Mulder is hot for Scully" argument.

> Victoria just fits his personality a bit more
>than you. Sure, he seems okay, but you should *see* his video
>collection!"

Crow: HR Puf'n'stuf Live at the Hollywood Bowl, Baseball's Funniest
Bloopers, The Unseen Real World, Dumb + Dumber, Ferngully.
See? Absolutely no taste.

>With that, they all cracked up. "So, let's go out today, and man
>hunt.

Crow: So the Spice Girls are bounty hunters now?

>What do you all say?" She didn't have to ask, because they were
>already halfway out the door.

> When they got back to the table, Victoria and Mulder were nowhere
>in sight, so Scully decided to ask the waiter if he had seen them.
>"Sure, they went out the back door to the pool and hot tub."

Tom: It's Fox Mulder's Celebrity Hot Tub Party!

> "You're kidding. Right?" The young man shook his head. "Oh no.
>Okay, we can handle this. Mel and Gerri, you go around the front and
>get the car revved up.

Crow: Rev up the car? Is Scully performing a heist?

> Melanie, you and Emma go into the pool house,
>to catch them when they come in there to change, and I'll go and tell
>them to get ready to go. Sound good?" They all nodded, and went to
>perform their assigned task.

Mike: Then after the Spice Girls left, Scully ran outisde, quickly
hailed a cab, and caught the first flight back to the States.
The Spice Girls figured out that something was amiss 72 hours
later.

> Scully quietly escaped out the back door, and found them together
>in the hot tub.

Crow: Delta Burke and Urkel!
Mike + Tom: Nooooo!!!!!

> She couldn't tell what Mulder was wearing, but
>thankfully Victoria was wearing a bikini. Well, from Scully's point
>of view, she was wearing spaghetti around her chest, but at least it
>was something.

Crow: Well, this is turning into one of the better fan-fics that we've

read.
Tom: Skin! More skin!

> She decided she couldn't approach them, so she took out
>her Smith

[pause]
Crow: Mike, couldn't she be arrested for public exposure?
Tom: Dana Scully in the "Full Monty 2"!
Crow: [Austin Powers] Scully's a man, baby!
Mike: She's referring to a gun! Not [softly] well, you know...

> and fired one round into the air.

Crow: Well, they still might be referring to...
Mike: Crow, end it. Now.

> Mulder jumped up, knocking Victoria off of his lap. He was
>wearing his red Speedo, which looked like it had shrunk a size or two.

Mike: I hope he told her about shrinkage.

>He grabbed her by the arm, and the two ran into the pool house.
>Inside, Emma jumped on Victoria, and Melanie on Mulder. They took
>them down easily, and Emma used an old karate move

Crow: Oh. It's Emma *Peel*.

> to hold Victoria down while
>she tied her wrists. All Melanie had to do was pinch Mulder's neck,
>and she had him down.

Tom: It's the Spice Girl nerve pinch!

> Mel and Gerri brought the car around the back, and picked up
>Scully. They drove through a few azalea bushes, but finally made it
>to the pool house.

Tom: So not only do the English drive on the left side of the street,

but they also ignore the streets entirely?

> Emma and Melanie led in their catch, and they all
>decided it was time for a break.

Mike: "Spice Girls Take Break" read the Star's next headline.
Tom: "We called the breakup!" author proclaims.

> "Victoria, you sit in the passenger seat. Mulder, you sit in the
>back. I don't want to see any contact, or hear you talking to each
>other. Mulder, we are on assignment, this is not some dream vacation,
>so I suggest you start acting a bit more professional."

Tom: <snort> That'll be a first.

> "But Dana, I like Fox! I'm calling my agent..." This time,
>Melanie stepped in and took charge.

> "Victoria, we have the same agent. And if I call him and tell
>him that you've been jacking with an FBI person, he'll be plenty mad."

Crow: Jacking?
Tom: Great. Now we're in a cyberpunk story.

>Victoria huffed and stared out her window.

> "Scully, this is none of your business. I happen to enjoy being
>with Victoria, and that doesn't concern you at all."

Mike: And the Clinton Defense makes an appearance...

> "Oh Mulder, I *beg* to differ. It's not like you've never done
>this before! Remember Kristin? And Detective White and Phoebe Green
>and Bambi and Marita Covarubias.... I could go on for days!"

Mike: Well, no. You've pretty much exhausted the list of Mulder love
interests. Except for maybe Vampire girl.
Crow: Don't talk about Tea that way.

> He
>gave her a nasty look, then returned his gaze to his hands.

Tom: [Mulder] Out, out damned spot!

> "Dana, when do we get to go man hunting?" Asked Mel eagerly. "I
>am getting *very* hungry!"

Mike: "Nympho Alien Spice Girls Stalk City!" read the next issue of
the Star.
Crow: Thousands flee the Spice Girl Menace!
Tom: Queen urges citizens to stay calm!

> Mulder gaped at Scully.

> "I said *we* couldn't get romantically involved in this case
>Mulder, I never said that *they* couldn't.

Tom: Ooh. Scully likes to watch...

> And quite frankly, I think
>that it would be a good idea if we went some place to cool off."

Crow: How about Beirut?

>Gerri raised her hand again. "Gerri, just talk, forget about raising
>your hand."

> "Okay, well, I am suggesting we go to Rainbow Haven Resort. It's
>a bit out of town, but definitely worth it. I dated a pool boy who
>worked there once.

Tom: But he got fired after he emptied the pool of water and filled it

with liquid bleach. The swimmers were really clean that day
though!

> Nice fellow, definitely..." Mel stuck out her
>tongue,revealing her silver tongue piercing.

> "Nobody wants to hear about all of your boyfriends, Gerr. Shut
>up! You're right though, Rainbow Haven is nice. My parents used to
>take me there when I was a little girl..." This time, it was Melanie
>who butted in.
> "You mean Mel, that Gerri can't talk about her relationships, but
>you can reminisce about your childhood? That's not very fair at all.

Tom: Huh? How is not babbling about who you've boinked equal to not
talking about your childhood?

>Let's just go to Rainbow Haven, and leave it at that." Scully was
>thankful for the end of their argument.

> "Rainbow Haven it is, then. So, what kind of guy are you all
>looking..."

Mike: In other words, tell her what you want, what you really, really,

want.

> Scully wasn't able to finish, because her phone burred in
>her jacket.

Crow: Ooh. Song cue de-nied.

> "Scully," She said into the receiver. "Oh, hello sir. Yes,
>we're in the car right now.

Crow: [Scully] Well, I'm wearing a blouse, my blazer and a skirt.
[pause] Of course I'm wearing underwear. Who is this?

> Oh, really. You're kidding, that's all? Oh,
>all right. Yeah, we'll be back in DC by tomorrow morning. Yes. Bye,
>sir." Scully gave Mulder the 'this sucks' look.

> "What's up?"

Tom: [Mulder] They're not forcing us to do a crossover with Ally
McBeal are they?
Mike: Mmm. Flockheart and Anderson together.... [Mike begins to mumble

incoherently.]
Tom: Not again!
Crow: I got it. [shouting] Oh, hi Bridget!
[Mike bolts into an upright position.]
Mike: Bridget?!
[He looks around frantically for a moment before he stops to stare at
Crow.]
Mike: Oh. Ha-ha. Very funny.

> She shook her head. "Oh, we have to go back?" He
>looked at Victoria with the sad puppy face, and she met his with an
>equally disturbing expression.

Mike: Well, of course she looked disturbed. Mulder showed her that
dead puppy again.
[Tom and Crow stare incredulously at Mike.]

> "All they found in their blood was a compound of abnormal sugar
>and caffeine levels. I thought that they would be able to identify
>that right away too, but there was just *so* much of it."

Crow: They've been drinking Jolt, haven't they?

> She turned
>in her car seat to look at the girls. "Well, Mulder and I have to go
>back to the states. Write you?"

Tom: Or she could just call your magic "Never outside of coverage
area" cell phone of yours, Fox.

> "Don't be silly," Emma said. "We'll come and visit every time
>we do a concert near you.

Mike: In other MTV news, the Spice Girls have announced plans to do
200 concert stops in Washington DC this year...

> We'll see each other again, don't worry.
>Besides, I think Victoria might go into deep remorse and stop buying
>designer clothes."

Crow: Good lord! Humanity will collapse into barbarism if that occurs!

> "We can't have that!" Mel said with a laugh. "Well, you all go
>ahead, you can drop us off at the Planet Hollywood. Bye!" Scully
>pulled the Taurus up to the curb, and all of them hopped out.

Mike: But the car was going 90 at the time so... <Splat!>

> "Good bye Vixen," Mulder said to Victoria sadly.

> "Good bye Fox." She didn't even have to use a term of endearment
>to sound kinky. "Until we meet again!" She leaned over and kissed
>him passionately. "There's something to remember me by."

Crow: [Mulder] Wow! Those videos that you did when you were young and
struggling! I'll put them next to my Jenny McCarthy Videos!
Mike: Crow..
Tom: Actually Mike, that is in character for Mulder.

> They said their good-byes, and Mulder and Scully made their was
>to the airport.

Tom: Scully, why are we protecting this guy? He hasn't put out a
record since "Walk the Dinosaur."

>The End

Mike: Great!
[They begin to leave.]

> No wait!

[They stop.]
Mike: Huh?

> That can't be the end!

Mike: Okay, let's get back in there guys.
[They take their usual places.]

> Okay, the Spice Girls came to
>the states, Victoria and Mulder got married,

Mike: Well, they would have gotten married if Victoria hadn't run off
with that wedding singer. . .

> Gerri had an affair with
>the president,

Tom: And promptly received a subpoena from Kenneth Starr.

> Scully and Emma became best friends and eventually moved
>in together for lack of other friends,

Crow: Shh! Listen! That's the sound of thousands of Estrogen Brigade
members sending "You can stay at my place" messages to
Scully.

> Melanie married Alexi Lalas,

Tom: Don't know, don't wanna know. Keep moving. . .

>Mel became senator of California and they all lived happily ever
>after. >;)

Mike: Except, of course, for the people of California.

>Contact me at Xtr...@hotmail.com and have a nice day!

Crow: Well, that was nice of her!
Mike: Yeah. You have a nice day too!
Tom: Time to go. . .
[They exit.]

[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .]

[Mike and the bots stand on the Bridge of the SoL.]
Mike: So Crow, what conspiracy was responsible for this?
Crow: Well Mike, it's a very complex plot, but it basically boils down

to one person: Peter Frampton. You see, he started the Spice

Girls in the hopes that people would become so disgusted
with the state of modern music that they'd come running
back to his music.
He also created Hanson, Backstreet Boys, All-Saints,
Fastball... Well, he messed up on that one. Then he had to
convince the Freemasons to join in...
[Mike turns to Tom. Crow continues to ramble.]
Mike: How about you Tom? What conspiracy came up with this?
Tom: Oh, there's no conspiracy here Mike. Just someone who thought
that it'd be neat to team up the X-Files with the Spice
Girls.
Mike: Really? Well, I expected some sort of humorous response. . .
Tom: I just want to get out of here Mike. That show with the obscene
colorforms is about to come on.
Crow: . . .and then David Souter tried to kill Iggy Pop. . .
Mike: Well then, back to you Pearl.

<Widowmaker>
[Pearl is nowhere to be seen. Nor is Bobo. The Observer sits in the
driver's seat, smiling.]
Observer: Pearl decided to step out for a moment, Michael. Can I be
of some help?
[Bobo pushes the Observer out of the way.]
Bobo: Mike! Help us! He's already sucked out the Lawgiver's brains and

now he's after me!
Observer: Oh, do be quiet! [To Mike] Until next time, Michael.

[Pwoosh!]
\ | /
\ | /
----- O -----
/ | \
/ | \

Observer: [V.O.] And now for you, you meddlesome simian buffoon!
[Slurp!!!] Damn. Just as I suspected. There's nothing
there.
Bobo: [V.O.] Ha! Try to slurp my brain, will you?
Observer: [V.O.] Hush!

"Spice Up Your Life" was written by
Cassie Consten <xtr...@hotmail.com>

MiSTing by Matt Blackwell <mbla...@ix.netcom.com>

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-commercial
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Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
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No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s)
are or should be implied. All characters in this work are
fictional except for those who aren't , and any resemblance
to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000" and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and copyrighted [c] 1998 by Best
Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. "The X-Files" and its related
characters and situations are trademarks of and copyrighted
[c] 1998 of Fox Television, Chris Carter, and 1013 Productions.

Special thanks to The Great Popalino, who proofread this, and
had his hard work destroyed by my e-mail program.

When in London, guests of Best Brains stay at the luxurious
Billiard's Hotel, world famous for its mints.

Keep circulating the posts.

> "Agent Scully, I'm sure
>you're familiar with the term 'prolonged psychosis due to substance
>abuse', am I right?"