MSTed: Better the Devil You Know (7/8)
T-Bone
[Kate, carrying Tom, and Crow enter the theater.]
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
TOM: Boy! I nearly blew a diode from that nightie.
CROW: And from who was wearing it! I guess that photo we saw wasn't
touched up!
>From: paul.h...@shbbs.demon.co.uk (Paul Hubbard)
KATE: Whew! I'll never look at squirt cheese the same way again.
>Subject: Better The Devil You Know 6
KATE (singing): If you knew 6-ie
Like I knew 6-ie...
>X-Mail-Agent: GIGO unreg at shbbs vsn 0.99 pl1
TOM: Kate, don't EVER sing again in my presence.
>Organization: Silicon Heaven BBS (2200-0630 UTC) (44-1626-834331) V32B
CROW: On sale at Sharper Image, Nordstrom's, and American Eagle
Outfitters.
>Date: Wed, 10 Aug 1994 23:41:05 +0000
>Message-ID: <b47_940...@shbbs.demon.co.uk>
KATE: This is a fake ID, son. You are in REAL trouble.
>Sender: use...@demon.co.uk
CROW: Demon Co.? That wouldn't refer to Proctor and Gamble, would it?
>Lines: 198
>
>From: ph...@shbbs.demon.co.uk (Paul Hubbard)
TOM: Cran. Berry. Sauce.
>
>Better the Devil you know.
CROW: Why no, I don't know.
>by P.D Hubbard
KATE: Why do I find Star Trek inane? (page 14 1/2)
>
>Part 5.
TOM: The Undiscovered Country
>
CROW: Hey, wait a minute, any country has people in it, so it MUST have
been discovered SOME time.
KATE: Well, it only counts if white males do it.
CROW: Oh, right.
>
>"Sir, communications are working again.
TOM: We can put away the semaphore flags.
>The away team is calling
>us".
KATE: They want to know if we have Prince Albert in a can.
>
>"On speakers" replied Picard.
CROW: (dj voice): Hey, how ya doin'? It's 10 before the hour on WZPL.
>
><fizz crackle> "Riker to Enterprise".
TOM: Checkmate.
>
>"Enterprise here. Go ahead commander".
KATE (a la Eastwood): Make my day.
>
>"We've had a encounter with a strange being down here
CROW: Nessie?
TOM: Bigfoot?
KATE: Judy Tenuta?
>who was
>responsible for the disappearances on Earth.
CROW: Oh, John Gotti.
>He tried to use us
>for his own ends
TOM: That'll happen when you beam down to Frisco.
>but we managed to put him off permanently.
KATE: We showed him nudie pictures of Wesley.
TOM: HE'LL never have urges again.
>However, he was most insistent that he would 'exact his revenge'
>on the Enterprise".
CROW: Expect a bunch of pizzas to show up around 2:30.
>
>"Captain" said Troi, "I am sensing something from the planet..".
TOM (falsetto): But it's so blitheringly obvious, forget it.
>
>Suddenly, the deflector grid snapped on.
CROW (falsetto): I sense that the deflector grid will snap on.
KATE: You know, I bet Sandra Bernhardt has a "snap-on grid".
CROW: What?
KATE: I'll explain it when you're older, dear.
>The officer on tactical
>cut in.
TOM: Mind if we dance with yo' dates?
>"Captain, the ship nearest to us, it's moving!!!!!"
KATE: A ship orbiting a planet is actually moving?! That's
Incredible!!!!
CROW: Starring Sarah Purcell.
>
>A small ship, the 'Southern Cities'
CROW: Loaded with Jack Daniels and goo-goo clusters.
>slowly started to turn on it's axis,
KATE: Bold as love.
>it's bows coming around towards the Enterprise.
TOM (singing): I saw her moving round the planet
A yellow ribbon on her bow.
KATE: That's "bau", not "bo"
>The
>turn slowly ground to a halt and then the impossible happened.
CROW: A Star Trek fanfic made sense?
TOM: The Cubs won the pennant?
KATE: Bob Dylan could speak comprehensibly?
>The ship started to move towards the Enterprise.
CROW: How impossible could it be when we've seen it in countless
episodes?
TOM: This IS Star Trek...
>A second ship
>started to turn and move. It was almost as if the Enterprise had
>suddenly become magnetic.
KATE (singing): 'Cause you're a StarFleet supernova.
TOM: Liz is so cool.
CROW: What was that line about the volcano?
KATE: Uh, later.
>
>"Sir!" called tactical,
TOM: Undergarments are filled throughout the ship!
>"I have five ships of various sizes all
>on a collision course with
KATE: Wackiness!
>us....".
CROW: Um, so remind me, how is the Enterprise' destruction a bad thing?
TOM: No more movies.
CROW: Like I said...
>
>"Red alert, shields up.
TOM: Pork bellies down, soybeans unchanged, ...
>will, we're under attack up here" said
>Picard, "We'll have to get back to you.......".
KATE: We'll let you know if we die.
>
>"RED ALERT : RED ALERT : THIS IS NOT A DRILL " the computer
>voice intoned.
CROW: This is a drill: *rat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a...*
>
>Tactical called in. "Sir, the first ship is rapidly closing...".
KATE: Crow, ...
CROW: Okay, so I stole it from Red Dwarf, but it was called for!
>
>"Arm phasers and fire at will".
TOM: KILL RIKER! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!
>
>A phaser shot lashed out at hit the old ship.
KATE: At 11:15 the old cook ... oh forget it.
>Her bows crumpled
>inwards but she still kept coming at the Enterprise.
CROW: Oh my God! It's coming!!!
KATE and TOM: Biig Peterrr!
>The
>distance slowly closed.
TOM: Y'know, we gotta quit doing those Bob and Tom jokes; nobody who
reads this lives in Indy.
KATE: What about Fritz and Jenny?
CROW: And Pam, don't forget her.
KATE: And then there's the students at IU and Ball State.
CROW: And some people at Purdue must know.
TOM: Okay, okay, I suppose.
>Another shot hit the ship, folding the
>plates down one side.
KATE: And the cutlery down the other.
>Finally, a third shot hit home
TOM: Ball three!
>and the old
>wreck folded up.
CROW: Get Ralph Nader on the phone!
>
>A second wreck crept up whilst the Enterprise was dealing with
>the first and squarely hit the Enterprise amidships.
TOM: Ooh, right in the holodeck!
>The shields
>mopped up the impact
KATE: Not to mention the upchuck in 10-Forward.
>and the old ship exploded into a million
>bits.
CROW (British accent): Which were VERY naughty bits for their time.
>Shields are primarily designed as protection against
TOM: Monthly bloating. Hee hee!
KATE: Stop it.
>energy weapons whilst deflectors only work best on distant
>objects.
CROW: But for nearby nonenergetic weapons, they just use dilithium
buckshot.
>There was no way they could protect against a large
>metal structure
KATE: like a '76 Buick.
>which, like a old ram on a Roman galley,
TOM: Ate every proper indefinite article in sight, then baa'ed
contentedly as it chewed its cud.
>shot
>right through the hull and embedded itself in
KATE: Our pop culture consciousness.
>the side of
>engineering tearing out several decks and exposing the warp core
>to space.
ALL: Warps. In. Spaaaaaaaaaaaace...
>
>"Engineering to Bridge"
CROW (falsetto): I'm doing the DISHes...
>
>"Bridge here. Go ahead".
>
>"Sir, decks 26, 27 and 28 are exposed to vacuum.
TOM: Two Kirbys and a Hoover are responsible.
KATE: Kirby Puckett...
CROW: Derwood Kirby...
TOM: And Hoobert Heever.
>Portside power
>coupling is down and we have a leak in the PDT tank.
KATE: Barclay got drunk and just couldn't hold it in.
>Going to
>secondary backup systems".
CROW: But backup systems are secondary by default, so you must mean
'tertiary systems'.
KATE: Paul probably thought that was a canine term.
>
>A large explosion rocked the Enterprise from stem to stern,
>rolling her around.
TOM (singing): We gonna rock this ship,
Rock it stem to stern.
>
>"Engineering again.
KATE: Defecation has contacted rotary oscillator.
>Secondary systems have failed.
CROW: That's why you were on TERTIARY!!!
>We've lost
>primary warp capability and the core is overloading.
TOM: The Big Cheese gets his at low tide tonight.
>Power is
>marginal.
KATE: Power is realizing Todd Rundgren sucks.
>Shutting down core....".
CROW: Signing my will.
>
>"Do what you can, bridge out".
TOM: Think we can wade through?
>
>Tactical cut in.
KATE: Mind if we dance ... oh, wait, we did that one already.
>"Sir, portside phaser couplings are down.
CROW: by six at the end of three quarters.
>I
>have a phaser coolant leak on decks 5 and 6".
TOM: Yeah, well, that and sixty cents will get you a coke.
CROW: You mean pop.
[Kate emits a blood curdling scream, grabs the two bots, and bashes
their heads together. Tom and Crow collapse to the floor.]
KATE: God, that felt good!
[Tom and Crow rise back up.]
TOM: We're sorry.
CROW: We promise never to mention carbonated beverages again.
>
>"It never rains but it pours," said Picard,
KATE: Morton salt.
>"...evacuate those
>decks and flush to vacuum.....".
[Kate acts as if pulling a chain as all three make toilet flushing
sounds.]
>
>The viewscreen blinked into life
CROW: Hap-py birthday!
>to reveal
TOM: A pushup bra.
CROW (nasally): Now THAT'S pleasing.
>the image of a being
>within a glass tube.
KATE: John Travolta!
TOM: No, you're thinking of a plastic bubble.
KATE: Oh, right.
>
>"Captain Picard" the voice hissed
CROW (hissing): Could I interest you in a set of leather-bound
encyclopaedias?
> but the lips did not move.
KATE: Now here's his friend; he's a woozle, and his name is Peanut.
>"You see me so foully murdered by your hand.
TOM (as Picard): Hey, handcheck, pal! I was on this ship!
>I will exact my
>revenge apon you and your ship".
KATE (hissing): I'm giving your e-mail addresses to Canter and Siegel!
>The screen blinked off.
CROW: Ha ha! Made ya flinch!
>
>"Sensors have detected
TOM: Joan Rivers' career.
CROW: Boy, those ARE good detectors!
>a tractor beam emanating from the planet
>surface,
KATE: It's coming from the Quad Cities Colony!
CROW: What?
KATE: That's where the John Deere factory is. Or was. It's so hard to
remember which factories have shut down.
>roughly 400 yards from commander Riker's position".
[Crow opens mouth, reconsiders, then turns to Kate.]
CROW: Should I let that Kama Sutra riff just slide on by?
KATE: Probably best.
>
>"Is it trying to lock on us?".
TOM: Game over man!
>
>"No Sir, it's not interested in us.
KATE: Sensors indicate the tractor beam has taste in television.
>It is being used to move
>those old wrecks out there.......".
CROW: The Rolling Stones in space?
KATE: Do you honestly think the cold, irradiated vacuum of space could
kill Keith Richards?
CROW: No; it might slow him a bit, but he'd live.
>
>"Open a comm channel to the away team".
TOM: Uh, that's the old name of this network; it's now Comedy Central.
>
>"Open Sir".
KATE: Close Ma'am.
>
>"Picard to Riker".
CROW: How do you feel about dying in a painful sacrifice, over.
>
>"Riker here Sir, what's going on up there?".
TOM: A hat party. Idiot, what do you THINK is happening?
>
>"All hell has broken loose up here.
KATE: Green Day tickets just went on sale.
>Listen, get the hell out of
>there, as quick as you can.
CROW: Our sensors detected that CreepyGuyWithBots from the CON, and
he's trying to corner you!
>Clear the city because a lot of fire
>power is on it's way down to you".
TOM: With hugs and kisses.
>
>"Acknowledged Sir. don't worry about us, just hit the target".
KATE: But you are the ta-- Oh, the target, right.
>
>"You have two minutes Will,
TOM: Pick up your #2 pencil...
>we are waiting for Phaser recharge
>up here".
CROW: Eh, know what I mean, nudge nudge.
>
>"Things that bad Sir?".
KATE: No, we enjoy screwing around with our own lives. You moron!
>
>"That bad, move it Commander.
CROW (nerdy voice): Uh, move what, sir?
>Enterprise out.
KATE (spritely): And bedecked in faaabulouth pink thequinth!
>Engineering, can
>you spare power for tractor beams?".
TOM: Sorry, the combine and bushhog took all our diesel.
>
>"No way Sir,
CROW: It's like totally uncool, man
>you can have either have phaser recharge or tractor
>beams.
KATE: Go for the curtain!
TOM: Take the box!
>Not both.
CROW: Or neither
>We're just picking up the pieces down here".
KATE: Pieces of our shattered love...
>
>"Understood.
TOM: By WHOM?
KATE: Not the author, obviously.
>Bridge Out.
CROW: Oh! 'scuse me!
[Crow makes zipping sound.]
>Tactical, time to impact?".
KATE: Ehhhh, sure, I got a few minutes.
>
>"One minute, thirty seconds. Time to recharge, One minute forty
>two".
TOM: So they seem to be up a certain aquatic waterway without a
particular locomotive implement.
>
>The seconds passed.
CROW: So they paused.
>The wreck got closer and closer
KATE: Step by step ...
>being pushed
>by the tractor beam.
TOM: Hello warriors! Come out and play-ay!
>Then, a miracle.
CROW: Gregory Hines showed up with a Roman racehorse!
>
>"Sir," called tactical, "We have Photon Torpedoes back on line".
KATE: But they want to renegotiate their contracts.
>
>"Take aim at that wreck at fire. All tubes".
TOM (singing): Step right in and don't be shy.
>
>Six photon torpedoes shot away from the Enterprise and screamed
>through the vacuum towards the wreck.
ALL (singing): We're out of the ship,
We're out of the tube,
We're out in the sky.
>They hit with a blinding
>flash,
KATE: Huzzah!
>instantly vaporising the old ship.
ALL (singing) Love love love!!!
>
>"Phasers charged and ready to fire Sir....".
TOM: Heads up, Citizens.
>
>Picard wasted no time. "Lock phasers on target and fire....".
CROW (as George C Scott): Come on you sons of bitches, I'll phaser you
myself!
>
>A continuous phased energy beam raced towards the planet's
>surface,
KATE: It's Photon Man!
TOM: In Color!
KATE: Well of course.
>cutting through the atmosphere like a knife through
>butter,
TOM: *sigh* Like a tired old cliche' through alt.startrek.creative.
>hitting the structure from where the tractor beam
>emanated.
CROW: Hey, they took out QVC!
ALL: Yay! Woo-hoo! WoopWoopWoop! etc
>The outer structure slowly began to soften and then
>flow as the metal melted into molten rivers.
KATE: "melting into molten"? Who wrote this, the Head Chairperson in
Charge of the Department of Redundancy Department, Division of
Repetition Sections?
>Then, inside,
TOM: The Pentium was calculating pi to be 3.
>a
>critical piece of equipment failed
CROW: Oh, spare us the details from the technical manual!
KATE: Actually, that's fine with me.
TOM: I'm not disappointed.
>and the structure blew up,
TOM and CROW: Wooooo-hooo!
TOM: Blew him up!
CROW: Yeah, blew him up REAL good! Well, that's it for today ...
TOM: May the good lord take a likin' to ya and blow you up real soon!
>taking a sizable chunk of the surrounding land with it.
KATE (bowing her head): Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, please let that moron
Riker have been in the blast zone, and his having been a wanker in
Thy sight, have snuffed it.
>
>From their vantage point, the away team surveyed the devastation.
TOM: I love the smell of phaser fire in the morning.
>
>"Riker to Enterprise".
ALL: Noooo!
CROW: This idiot's tougher to kill than the coyote!
>
>"Enterprise here" came the crisp, relieved tones of Picard.
KATE: He wet himself.
>
>"Nice shooting Sir.
TOM: Well, better than John Starks.
>That should have put the Hobs out of
>business for good".
CROW: Except for their government contracts.
>
>"I hope so number one. I hope so".
KATE: After all, I've invested heavily in their competition.
>
>"Four ready for beam up".
TOM: Well, five. Data met this chick in a fern bar downtown ...
>
>"Ummmmmm" replied Picard. "There's a problem there.
CROW: We don't want you back. The other three are okay, ...
>Due to a
>lack of power,
KATE: I don't pronounce you man and wife.
>the transporters are off line at the moment.
TOM: They got infected by a virus.
>We
>will be dispatching a shuttle to your position for pick up".
CROW: Thank you for flying Air Starfleet.
>
>"Oh Joy.
KATE: Steempy you Eedeeot!
>Riker out". He turned to the others.
TOM: Who's for Chinese?
>"Well gentlemen,
>we have a long wait ahead of us.
CROW: Gridlock is still entrenched in DC.
>What shall we do to pass the
>time????".
ALL: Wocka-chicka-wocka-chicka-wocka-chicka-wocka-chicka....
>
>Data looked thoughtful.
KATE: Tell me about the rabbits, George.
>"I spy with my little eye, something
>beginning with W ?".
TOM: Wuss.
CROW: Wimp.
KATE: Whiner.
ALL: Wesley!!!
>
>"Wrecked city" replied Geordi. "My go".....
>
TOM: Wanker.
CROW: Whinge.
KATE: Wastrel.
>
>
>End of part 5
>
TOM: We're in the home stretch...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>~~~ Blue Wave/RA v2.12 [NR]
KATE: Oh, sure, invoke The Sun God...
>--
>| Standard disclaimer: The views of this user are strictly his own.
Commercial we'd like to see: Coors, Miller, and Bud turn any guy who
drinks them into as big a wuss as the taste of the beers.
MSTed by Richard Burton (T-Bone; bur...@lobster.gsfc.nasa.gov) and
by Kate Wrightson (kwri...@moe.coe.uga.edu)
Disclaimer: MST3K and related situations/characters/settings/scenarios
are the property of Best Brains; they had nothing to do with our
writing this. This MSTing was done for the sole purpose of
entertainment and is not meant to be a personal attack on the original
author(s) in any way. We intended no flames on any organizations,
characters, products, people, or ideas which were referenced in this
MSTing. This MSTing reflects my and Kate's own personal viewpoints, and
not always both of ours, and does not necessarily reflect the views of
the University of Georgia, NASA, Goddard Space Flight Center, or my
Todd Gilbert
Some of my fav. lines....
T-Bone (bur...@lobster.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote:
: >He tried to use us
: >for his own ends
: TOM: That'll happen when you beam down to Frisco.
: >
: >"Captain" said Troi, "I am sensing something from the planet..".
: TOM (falsetto): But it's so blitheringly obvious, forget it.
: >The officer on tactical
: >cut in.
: TOM: Mind if we dance with yo' dates?
: >
: >"Sensors have detected
Mark Meyer
Can someone please send me the other parts (1-6) of this
MiSTing? I've been away too long, and I must have missed them.
--
Mark Meyer | mme...@dseg.ti.com |
Texas Instruments, Inc., Plano, TX +--------------------+
Every day, Jerry Junkins is grateful that I don't speak for TI.
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
T-Bone
> Can someone please send me the other parts (1-6) of this
> MiSTing? I've been away too long, and I must have missed them.
Criminy! I've had about 10 mail messages asking this, too.
Parts 1-6, along with the Different Worlds MSTing (which explains Kate's
presence on the SOL) can be FTPed from clover.cleaf.com.
T-Bone
"All I need is the hedgetrimmers, the drill, ... and some ordinary household
bleach." - Vyv, TYO, "Bomb"