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MiSTed: The Project [1/2]

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Jamas Enright

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Jan 27, 1997, 3:00:00 AM1/27/97

TOM: Flying eagle to tin bird, flying eagle to tin bird. Come in, tin
bird.
CROW: This is tin bird. The weather in space is snowing.
TOM: And the cuckoo flies into the sun. Have you seen him yet?
CROW: No, but "Operation Nelson" is still going ahead.
MIKE: <off screen> Hey guys, whatcha doing?
TOM: There he is, go, go, go!

MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in five seconds.
MIKE: <plantively> Help!

TOM: Admit it! You got Ross Perot into politics!
CROW: You created El Dorado!
TOM: You shot JFK!
CROW: You got Tom Jones into music!
MIKE: Guys, I have no idea what you're talking about.
TOM: You hid the UFO from Roswell!
CROW: You created Hamdingers!
TOM: You stole all my ram chips!
CROW: Umm, Tom buddy. That was me.
TOM: What! Crow, how could you?
CROW: Well, they were ram chips. They were just sitting there, all alone.
I thought you didn't want them any more.
TOM: I don't think I want to be with you any more 'buddy'.

MIKE: Uh, Crow. Could you untie me now?
CROW: You're not actually tied down. We don't have functioning arms, so
how could we tie you up?

MIKE: Boy, did that end lamely.
CROW: We had this nice accusation thing going, but then Tom just blew it,
and...

MIKE: Tell me later, Crow. Bach and Loengard are calling.

DR F: Well, rope-boy, I'm glad you're getting used to conspiracies. Your
experiment today is an X-Files fanfic that...

PEARL: Clayton, how many times to I have to tell you, come and get your
dinner.
DR F: In a minute, mother. I'm just about to start the experiment.
PEARL: I've been keeping this especially for you. I made it out of
Mentos, so it'll be minty fresh.
DR F: <shudders> Thank you, mother. I'll have some later. <addressing Mike
and co.> Anyway, your experiment today is rather... odd. I'll let
you find out just why. <evil snigger>

<SOL>

MIKE: Now, Tom, I'm sure Crow is sorry for what he did...
CROW: <sotto voice> In a blue moon.
MIKE: And he'll apologize. Right after he cleans out the load pan bay.
CROW: What?

ALL: WE GOT BAD FANFIIIIIC SIIIIIIIGN!!!

[6..5..4..3..2..@..]

>This story's a crossover,

TOM: Oh, this is gonna hurt, and hurt BAD.

> so those of you not familiar with The X-Files

CROW: Have obviously been hiding under a rock for the last 4 years...

> or
>Mystery Science Theater 3000

MIKE: "Mystery Science Theater 3000"?
TOM: What in the sam-scratch it THAT?
CROW: Well, Forrester warned us about there being something odd about
this one... This must be what he's talkin' about...

> might be slightly confused. Or not.

MIKE: <as Katie> Whatever. Not like I really care.

>Actually, the story is pretty self explanatory.

TOM: Oh, so it's NOT like a real episode of _X-Files_ at all, then?

> Mulder and Scully
>investigate Joel's experience on the SOL.

TOM: "Joel"...??
MIKE: "SOL"...?
CROW: Uhhh... Guys... I got a BAD feeling abut this one...
MIKE: I feel ill...

> And anyway, you wouldn't be
>reading this if you weren't familiar with at least one of the two shows.

CROW: That's what you think...

>However, for those of you who need the explanation:

MIKE: <valley girl> Guy, some people are just, like, so slow, ya know?
CROW: <same> Rilly...

>THE X-FILES
>
> Basically a show about two FBI agents assigned to bizarre cases
>with no rational explanation.

CROW: But actually a show about Chris Carter's own disillusionment and
total lack of faith in humanity.

> Fox Mulder is a renegade with a strong
>belief in the paranormal.

MIKE: He explores such unfathomable mysteries as: Do UFO's exist? Are
ghosts real? And why is _Baywatch_ so damn popular?

> A medical doctor, Dana Scully was assigned to
>work with him to debunk

CROW: Or bunk _with_ him...
MIKE: Gee... The story hasn't even started, Crow, and already you're
treading on thin ice...

> his work and hopefully help to shut down the
>X-Files division. However, the "shadow government's" plan backfired when
>Scully and Mulder became close friends and partners.

MIKE: <sniff> It's so touching...
CROW: No, they haven't done NEARLY enough of that...
TOM: Heheh...

> The only other thing
>important to the story is that Scully was abducted inexplicably last
>season and returned with no memory of the incident.

TOM: Except that now she has a baby daughter named Piper... Hmmmm...

>MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000

CROW: I can't look! I have a WEIRD feeling about this...

> A man and three robots have been sent into space by a mad
>scientist (Dr. Clayton Forrester).

MIKE: Ummmm...
TOM: Oh, Lordy...

> They are forced to watch cheesy movies
>so that Forrester can monitor their reactions.

CROW: Well, here's my reaction: It stinks!

> Joel Robinson

CROW & TOM: Woo-hoo! Joel! YAY!
MIKE: I really wanna meet this guy some day...

> (Joel
>Hodgeson

TOM: There's no "e" in "Hodgson"
MIKE: How do you know that?
TOM: Ummm... I just DO.
CROW: How surreal of you, Tom...

> in real life) was the test subject, but he "escaped" in 1993

CROW & TOM: WWWAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
MIKE: There, there...

>(translation: left the show to work in L.A.)

CROW & TOM: WAAHHH!
MIKE: This is gonna be hard on you guys, huh?
CROW: <sniffle> Yeah...

> He's the main character in my
>story aside from Scully and Mulder,

CROW: Cool!
TOM: Hey, maybe this won't be so bad after all!

> but a new guy is on MST3K now (Mike
>Nelson).

MIKE: Yeah, well, I'm not happy about it, believe you me...

> Okay....now for the disclaimers. None of these characters are
>mine.

TOM: NO? Really??

> Unfortunately, they belong to assorted people: Best Brains
>Productions,

ALL: Woo-hoo!

> 10:13 Productions, Fox Networks and Chris Carter.

TOM: <sarcasm sequencer> Oh, thank _you_, Chris Carter and 10:13
Productions...

> The
>Gizmonic Institute belongs to Joel Hodgeson.

TOM: There's NO "e" in "HODGSON"!

> I'm using them for my own
>evil purposes

MIKE: Well, at least she admits it.

> but will return them basically unharmed when I'm done.

CROW: We wish...

>There would be no point in suing me for this since A) I'm not making any
>money off of this story,

TOM: Which is good, seeing as it's not worth anything.

> and B) My only assets are fifteen crumpled dollar
>bills in the dusty box in my closet.

MIKE: "Dear Katie Moore: We are suing you for 15 crumpled dollar bills.
Signed, Chris Carter and Joel Hodgson."

> Also, if you want to send this out or
>add it to an archive or something, please e-mail me first.

MIKE: OH, we will!

> Last of all: No M/S relationship in this one

TOM: Well, good, there are kids reading this.
MIKE: That's M/S not S/M...
TOM: Oooohhh...

> (love the idea,
>though).

CROW: Well, then maybe you need to get a life!

> Angst warning for all characters involved.

TOM: Oh, yip.

> No spoilers, either.
> Mild cursing, but nothing you wouldn't hear on either show.

CROW: Oh, damn.

> For all you
>MSTies out there who are expecting something funny, THIS IS NOT A
>COMEDY!!!

MIKE: Ain't that the truth!
TOM: It's not much of a drama, either.

> I can't stress this enough.

ALL: THANKS!

> PS: Without my friend Liz, this either wouldn't exist of be a
>pile of crap.

MIKE: Well, it exists AND it's a pile of crap... What gives?

> So lets all give her a big round of applause, shall we?

TOM: KILL HER!

>
> PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE send me commentary at TVs Ka...@aol.com.

MIKE: Oh, we WILL.

>
> Joel Hodgeson: "The right people will get this."

TOM: THERE'S NO "E" IN-
MIKE: Ok, ok, Tom, we get it.

>
>
>The Project 1/2

CROW: The "half" project?
MIKE: Um, Crow, I think that's "Part 1 of 2"
CROW: Oohhh...

>
>By Katie Moore
>NASA File Storeroom

TOM: Katie writing this story in a NASA File Storeroom?

>January 15, 1996
>2:11 p.m.

MIKE: The sun was shining.
TOM: Somewhere, a dog was barking.

>
> The man glanced over his shoulder, nervously scanning the hallway.

MIKE: It's Peter Lorre!
TOM: No, it's that MTV ad!
MIKE: Uh, Tom- the MTV ad IS Peter Lorre...
TOM: Oh, yeah.

> The logical part of his mind knew that everyone was gone from the
>building,

CROW: And the rest of his brain was thinking of Terri Hatcher's picture
on the Web!
MIKE: Don't make me take your computer away, Crow...

> but he just didn't trust logic anymore. Anyone who'd been
>through what he had wouldn't either.

MIKE: Comma? Hello, we need a comma in that last sentence!

> Digging into his pocket, he pulled
>the tiny screwdriver out.

CROW: And proceeded to fix his glasses.

> Removing the alarm cover panel wouldn't be that
>hard. All he needed to do was take out the screws holding it in place and
>he'd be able to shut down security.

TOM: Gee, NASA sure has lax security for a billion dollar organization.

> Still, he had trouble handling the
>tiny tool,

CROW: Hehehe...

> and the sweat on his palms wasn't making it any easier.

CROW: Oh, OHHH... Oh, yeah...
MIKE: <grabbing Crow's beak> THAT'LL be enough of that!

> But he
>*had* to find that file. It was the only way he'd ever know what really
>happened.
> With a soft thud, the metal plate fell into his hands.

MIKE: Ow, owie, hot, hot...

> He
>breathed a sigh of relief. All it took to shut down security was a couple
>of codes he had seen the scientists use.

MIKE: 1-0-1-3
TOM: 2-4-6-0-1
CROW: 6-9
MIKE: Crow!
CROW: Hehehe...

> As far as he could tell, the
>systems were off-line.

CROW: But what did he know? He was an accountant!

> Slowly pushing the door open, he silently shut it
>behind him. He was in.

MIKE: Like Flynn!

> NASA didn't seem to believe in throwing anything
>away, either.

TOM: They still had their report grades from kindergarten!

> The room in front of him was enormous, and he almost gave
>up when he saw the multitude of metal cabinets and crates lining the
>aisles ahead of him.

MIKE: Some were marked "Rosebud"...
TOM: ..."Ark of the Covenant"...
CROW: ...and "Adam & Eve"!
MIKE: You are just ASKING for a Time Out, aren't you, Crow?

> But it needed to be done. He had to know.

TOM: Did Suzee really like him?

>Actually, when he began walking down the rows of cabinets, the
>categorizing was easy to understand. The aisles were alphabetized, and he
>was already in row T.

CROW: Hey! That's me!
MIKE: No, it says "row T"...
CROW: Oh...
TOM: "The categorizing was easy to understand"? Yeah, it's
alphabetized! How much easier does it get?

> The intruder peeked around the end of the cabinets. Just as he
>thought. Row S was right next to him.

CROW: Well, DUH.
MIKE: I suppose it could've been "row U"...

> He began sifting through the
>files. There it was. The information he had risked everything to find.

TOM: Suzee did like him!
CROW: It even starts with "S"! Good job, Tom!

>The answer to his biggest question: why?

ALL: Why ask why?

> His fingers trembling, he opened
>it. Then a shout rang out through the silence. "Who's there?"

TOM: Oh, so he's stopped before he finds the answers he's looking for. I
guess this IS like an _X-Files_ episode!
MIKE: Unfortunately, yes...

> He panicked.

CROW: <as guy> I wet 'em!

> Dropping the papers in his hands, he began a mad
>dash for the back door.

MIKE: NASA has a "back door"?

> But by now it was too late. His unseen pursuer
>was gaining on him. There was no chance he'd make it out before he was
>caught.

TOM: But it wasn't me! It was the one-armed man!

> Slowing, he collapsed onto a bin of outdated photographs.

CROW: Oh, that's gotta hurt...
TOM: Oh, yeah...
MIKE: Ow...

> It was
>no use. A flashlight beam cut through the darkness, illuminating Joel's

CROW & TOM: JOEL!
MIKE: Wow! What a plot point!

>face. It was over.

TOM: I wish this story was over.

>****************

CROW: <singing> Twinkle, twinkle, little star...

>En route to Kennedy, Florida Police HQ
>January 20, 1996
>12:21 p.m.

MIKE: It was cold and rainy.
CROW: Somewhere in the world, someone was ordering a Big Mac.

> Scully glanced over at Mulder.

CROW: <as Scully> Was it good for you?
MIKE: Crow! Katie said it wasn't gonna happen...
CROW: Darn.

> His forehead was creased in
>thought, and he looked oblivious to the world around him.

MIKE: So, what else is new?

> She touched his
>arm.

CROW: <as Scully> Don't worry, Mulder... It happens to all guys once in
a while...

> "Mulder, I'm used to you ignoring me, but please pay a little
>attention to the road. "

TOM: <as Mulder> Huh?
<All do screams and car crash sounds>

> Mulder jumped, as if woken from a dream. "Scully, don't do that
>to me.

MIKE: <as Mulder> Don't ever wake me up when I'm driving!

> You scared me half to death."
> Scully smiled to herself.

TOM: <as Scully, thinking> Hmmm, if I do that again, I'll kill him!
Great!

> Whenever her partner went into one of
>his "trances", he forgot about everything else.

ALL: Ommmm... Ommmm...

> She could tell he was
>wondering what the case was about, just as much as she was.

TOM: So, neither of them know what's going on? Well, again, just that's
just like a REAL _X-Files_ episode.

> They were on
>their way to interview a prisoner in a local jail. She knew next to
>nothing about the case, only that Skinner had asked them to work on it
>himself (which was unusual) and the information would be waiting for them
>when they arrived. "Mulder, you don't know *anything* about this? I
>mean, you did talk to Skinner before we left."

TOM: <as Mulder> Yes...
CROW: <as Scully> And did you make a potty before we left? I don't wanna
have to stop.
TOM: <as Mulder, sins-songy> Ye-es...

> "No, Scully, I've been holding out on you. It's really so I can
>check out the local UFO situation."

CROW: Well, THERE'S a shock.
MIKE: I think he's kidding.
CROW: Oh.

> He paused before finishing, noting
>the worried (and slightly angry) expression on Scully's face. "Scully, of
>course I don't know anything. You think I wouldn't tell you?

TOM: Well, it wouldn't be the first time...

> "Well, it's been known to happen."

TOM: See?

> "Believe me, I never even knew there was a Kennedy, Florida until
>I got the call from Skinner.

MIKE: Oh, so I guess no-one from Kennedy, Florida has ever written to
Penthouse.

> He would have told me more, but there was
>some meeting coming up and he had to go.

TOM: Oh, how CONVENIENT.

> Oh well, I guess we'll find out
>soon enough."

MIKE: I hope so!
TOM: Yeah, this exposition is starting to drag...

> Scully turned her gaze to the scenery outside her window. A sea
>of long reeds waved in the wind outside, probably covering a large marsh.

CROW: <falsetto> Marsh-a, marsh-a, marsh-a!
MIKE & TOM: Uuugggg...
CROW: Hehehe...

>Across the horizon, a few squat

TOM: <as Beavis> Hehehe... She said "squat"... heh...

> looking bushes and trees varied the
>landscape. A grey sky arched above her.

MIKE: Somewhere, a cat was licking herself.
CROW: Ewww...

> *Well, at least it's warmer than
>D.C.*,

TOM: <as Scully, thinking> And the crime rate's a hell of a lot lower!

> Scully thought, remembering the awful snowstorms already blanketing
>the area. Mulder nudged her in the shoulder. "Scully, we're almost
>there."

MIKE: <as Mulder> Wake up, Dana, we're at Grandma's.

> Scully moved slightly to look out the front window. An ill-kept
>road stretched up to the drab Police HQ building at the end of the lane.
>It was one of those places that seemed to demand silence.

ALL: SILENCE! Be quiet! SHUT UP! Etc.

> The grounds
>were bare, consisting of a few straggly trees in metal cages and thin,
>brown grass lawns trimmed within an inch of their life. It was about as
>depressing a place as most people ever saw.

TOM: So, it fits in this fanfic perfectly!

> Pulling up to the gates, Mulder flashed

ALL: Whoah!

> his badge at a camera.

TOM: Oh... <whew>

> A
>staticy voice crackled out of a tiny speaker,

MIKE: Would you like fries with that?

> telling them to enter. The
>door in the chain link fence swished open,

CROW: <swishy voice> Hello, there, Misther Mulder!

> letting the car through the
>gate. Mulder felt like every move he made was being watched. Of course,
>he usually felt that way.

MIKE: <singing> I always feel like/ Somebody's watching me!

> It took about ten minutes to park,

TOM: <as Mulder> Now, remember, we parked in the "Zebra" lot.

> check in, and have their
>weapons stored. Mulder was reluctant, but he finally gave the gun to the
>attendant. He never liked being unarmed.

MIKE: <as Mulder> Are you un-arming me with your eyes?

> It made him feel vulnerable.
>"I wonder where we get the information."

TOM: Bet they'll find out quick.

> Before Scully could answer, an attendant walked up to them with a
>few thin manila folders. "Agents Mulder and Scully?"

TOM: See!
MIKE: <Peter Falk> Yes, yes, you're very smart. Now shut up.

> They nodded, Mulder taking the files and motioning the young man
>away.

CROW: <as Mulder> Ok, now go away, peon.

> They took a seat on a few nearby chairs.

MIKE: "_A_ seat"?
CROW: <as Scully> Mulder, get off my lap!

> "Look, Scully, this isn't
>even an X-File.

TOM: Yeah, _this_ makes sense.

> And there's not much in it, either."

CROW: Wait, so it IS an X-File!

> "I guess we'll be back to D.C. pretty soon."
> Mulder silently read the file in front of him. When he had
>finished, Scully remarked "What's the point of this? They caught the guy
>already, didn't they?"
> "But look at this. The janitor was reading the single most
>important file in there.

CROW: "Secrets of the Playboy Bunnies"?

> Skinner must think there's something going on
>here, or else he wouldn't have wasted his time."

TOM: Maybe he was just trying to get rid of you for awhile.

> "What was so important about the file?"
> "It's kind of like a NASA Roswell. There was this satellite that
>completely disappeared. It was basically one of the government's worst
>kept secrets."

MIKE: Well, if it was a WELL kept secret, Mulder certainly wouldn't know
about it.

> Scully nodded slowly. "I remember hearing about that once.
>SOL-101883, right? They thought the Russians took it or something."

MIKE: That's it, blame the Russians!
CROW: You know, if Katie was REALLY an _X-Files_ fan, she woulda called it
"SOL 1013".

> "I know it doesn't make much sense,

TOM: What else is new?

> but I just have a feeling
>about this. There's something more going on here, Scully."

MIKE: Uh, oh...
TOM: Well, seeing as Mulder has been right in EVERY bloody episode, I'd go
with that feeling.

> Scully glanced at her watch. "Well, we'd better get going. Our
>interview is in five minutes."

MIKE: <as Scully, thinking> I hope I get the part!

>**********

TOM: My God... It's full of stars...

> Mulder arrived at the cell first.

CROW: Cuz he tripped Scully as they walked down the hall.
TOM: Heheh..

> The man inside seemed
>oddly normal to be the focus of this much attention.

TOM: It's always the normal ones...

> Although he could
>tell Joel Robinson had probably been through hell in the last few days.

TOM: JOEL!!
CROW: Oh, Joel! Poor Joel, trapped in this lame fanfic...

>His dark blue eyes seemed to be tired, and full of pain.

TOM: "Full of pain"? Well, having to watch these crappy movies is BAD, but
let's not overdo it already!

> Mulder wondered
>what had happened to this man. Entering the tiny, dimly lit room, he
>pulled up a tiny,

MIKE: So, everything's tiny, right?

> rickety chair and waited for Scully to enter. When both
>were seated, Mulder began.

CROW: EXCUSE ME?
MIKE: Crow... Enough...

> "I'm sure you know why we're here, Mr. Robinson."

TOM: <as Scully> Mr. Robinson... Are you trying to seduce me?

> Joel smiled wryly. "I wish I didn't. I have nothing to tell
>you."

TOM: <as Joel> So there! <makes sticking-out-tongue noise>

> Mulder looked at him. "That's for us to decide. Now, listen.

MIKE: Does he have a choice?

>There's not much you can do to say you weren't there that night, so why
>don't you just tell us why you were reading that file."
> Joel sighed deeply. "Why should I?"

MIKE: <as Joel> What's the magic word?

> Scully stood accusingly.

TOM: How exactly do you do that?

> "Why did you look at that file? Out of
>all of them? Why SOL- 101883?"

MIKE: <as Joel> I liked the cut of it's jib!

> Joel cringed away at the name, his face contorted as if he was
>trying to push a memory back into the dark recesses it had come from.

CROW: Wha- huh?
TOM: Oh, puh-leease...

> His
>face...it seemed familiar to Scully.

TOM: She remembered turning to Comedy Central one night...
CROW: Comedy Central?
TOM: Ah, forget it.

> Muttering, he turned to Mulder. "Go
>away. Take your partner, and go away. Don't get involved."

MIKE: Oh, he's from New York.

> Mulder pulled up closer to the man, intensity burning in his eyes.

MIKE: <as Mulder, covering his eyes> Ow, ow... owie...

> "Involved in what?"
> Joel turned towards the wall, trying to hide from the question.

TOM: <as Joel> I can't see you! I can't see you!

>"No. No! Go away. They know. They'll put me back. I don't want to go
>back.

MIKE: <singing> "Back in the US- Back in the US-, Back in the USSR!"

> Go away."

TOM: <as Joel> Shoo! Scat!

> Scully spoke, a thread of tension in her voice. "Who knows? What

TOM: Is on second?
CROW: I don't know.
ALL: THIRD BASE!

>are you afraid of?"

MIKE: The dark?

> Joel's face calmed momentarily, as if he had suddenly wiped away
>the storm in his mind.

TOM: Diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you...

> "A lot of things. A lot of things you wouldn't
>understand. A lot of things only I can understand."

TOM: Hey, what are we, CHOPPED LIVER?

> As if reluctant to leave, Mulder stood slowly. "We'll be back.

MIKE: Thank you, Ah-nohld...

>Until then, you should be safe here."

CROW: <laughs> Yeah, right!

> Joel didn't answer.
>*************************

MIKE: <singing> Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight...

> Joel gazed out of his

MIKE: Tiny,

> grimy cell window silently until the car
>with the agents was gone from his line of vision. Sighing, he sat on his
>bed. The man and woman who had just left *did* work for the government.

TOM: Yeah, but even they don't like it very much.

>It was right for him not to tell them anything, wasn't it?

MIKE: Sure.
TOM: Uh-huh.
CROW: Definitely.

> He'd learned
>to stop trusting the government a long time ago.

TOM: Hey, who hasn't?
MIKE: Tom...
TOM: Well...
MIKE: Yeah, you've got a point.

> But somehow, he wished
>he could have told them the truth. He'd been alone for so long.

TOM: Oh, gee, THANKS!
MIKE: I think she means after he got back to Earth...
TOM: Oh...

> Mulder and Scully didn't seem to know what was going on.

TOM: Just like every other week...

> But for
>all he knew, they could just be more people trying to deceive him, to trap
>him into revealing what he knew. It had been too long since he'd been
>able to trust anyone.

CROW: WHAT??
TOM: Oh, for cryin' in the beer!
CROW: Methinks Katie is making WAAAAY too much of this...

> Rubbing the back of his neck, Joel felt the familiar shape of the
>scar from his abduction almost eight years ago.

MIKE: Wait... Didn't Dana have an implant in her neck?
CROW: I don't like where this is heading...

> He'd never been able to
>get the implant out, but by now he was used to being monitored by them
>constantly.

TOM: Remember, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to
get you.

> Briefly, he asked himself why they hadn't come for him sooner
>after he had escaped.

CROW: Oh, well, they were probably busy, ya know...

> It wouldn't have been too hard to find him, and
>they needed him for the tests, didn't they?

CROW: Sure, we all do!
TOM: Do you have to have that joke in EVERY MiSTing?
CROW: Yep.

> For a while, he'd actually led
>a pretty normal life, with friends, and a job.

TOM: Wait, I thought he'd been alone?
CROW: Yeh, and unable to trust anyone...

> Then the dreams began.....

CROW: Yeah... Him, Joe Don Baker, and a bottle of baby oil...
TOM: AARRRGGGGHHHH!!!
MIKE: CROW!

>That was why he'd broken in. He needed to know why this was happening,
>what was going on. Shuddering, he wondered if another man had been doomed
>to the fate he had so narrowly escaped from.

MIKE: <raising hand> That's me! Right here!

> The mere thought made him
>cringe.

MIKE: Hey, how do you think _I_ feel?
TOM: And what about _us_? We've been here the whole freakin' time!

> No one should have to endure what he had. It was too cruel.

CROW: Katie, does the world "hyperbole" mean anything to you?

> No matter what Mulder had said, he wasn't safe here. He knew
>that.

TOM: Well, DUH!

> He wasn't safe anywhere anymore. Joel knew he had to get away, but
>how soon would it be possible? And what good would it do? They could
>find him anywhere he chose to run. But maybe....maybe if he had had help,
>it wouldn't be so hard. Maybe he could learn to trust again. Maybe...
> Joel knew he needed to talk to the agents. They could help him.

ALL: <snickering>
TOM: Yeah, right, just like they helped Duane Barry!
MIKE: And Dr. Chester Banton in "Soft Light".
CROW: And the animals in "Fearful Symmetry".

>If he told them what had happened...but they wouldn't believe him.

TOM: I sure wouldn't...

> No one
>would believe him. Although that was a chance he'd have to take. And
>what did he have to lose? A life in a jail cell? Years spent running
>from Forrester until he finally had to give up? Nothing could be worse
>than what he'd already survived.

TOM: Hey! WHAT about US!!!
CROW: Oh, please...

> They'd be back, eventually.

TOM: <as Ah-nohld> They'll be bach...

> When they wanted to ask more
>questions, they'd come back.
> He wasn't sure what he'd say, but he had to
>tell someone. And soon. Before it was too late.
>
>***************************

TOM: <singing> A star, a star, shining in the night, with a tail as big
as a kite...

>
>January 26, 1996

MIKE: What TIME of day?

> Mulder yawned languidly, leaning back on the pile of electronic
>equipment stacked in the corner of the dark room.

TOM: And accidentally deleting weeks of information!
CROW: D'OH!

> He'd come to talk to
>the Lone Gunmen when all his other leads in the Robinson case had dried
>up.

MIKE: Gentle readers, let me take this opportunity to point out to you one
of the aspects of any crappy fanfic-
TOM: In other words, ANY fanfic-
MIKE: Yeah, well... ANYway... The point I'm trying to make... You'll
find, dear readers, that most fanfic writers feel the need to include
EVERY character from the show they're doing a story about, no matter
how irrelevant that character may be to the story they're trying to
tell.
CROW: Thanks, Mike.

> In some ways, he felt like he wanted to just give up on it and move
>on, but something about the look on Joel's face made him keep looking.

TOM: Mulder likes Jo-el, Mulder likes Jo-el!

>There had to be something there, just beyond his grasp. He just had to
>know where to look.

MIKE: <British accent> Answers are easy- it's knowing the right questions
to ask that's the tricky part.
TOM: <sarcasm sequencer> Oh, THANK YOU, _Dr._Who_...

> Luckily, the Gunmen jumped on the case.

CROW: And Frohike jumped on Scully.
MIKE: CROW!

> They thrived
>on anything with a remote hint of government conspiracy.

TOM: Kurt Cobain's "suicide"...
CROW: ...MLK's death...
MIKE: ...Why the Jets never win a game.

> The search was
>taking longer than he expected. He'd been there almost four hours already
>and nothing but password after password had turned up. A sharp voice cut
>through his thoughts. "Dammit, this thing has about fifteen levels of
>code blocking it."

CROW: WAIT A MINUTE! Dr. F's lame-ass idea to try and take over the world
with crappy movies is blocked by _15_ levels of security?
MIKE: This is really getting goofy.

> Mulder strode over to Frohike at the computer terminal and
>scanned the screen over his shoulder.

MIKE: <as Frohike> Stop reading over my shoulder...
TOM: <as Mulder> Sorry...
MIKE: <as Frohike> Just don't...

> The monitor displayed a large
>yellow "G" surrounded by a field of red. Across the bottom of the logo,
>gold block letters spelled out "Gizmonic Institute".

CROW & TOM: Gizmonic! BOOOO!!!

> A small text box in
>the corner read "Enter Password". Frohike spoke.

CROW: That's not how you enter a password, Frohike...

> "I ran a check on all
>divisions of NASA for a mention of either SOL-101883 or Joel Robinson.
>Nothing much turned up, since the government seems to want to keep the
>disappearance basically a secret, but there was a mention of both Robinson
>and the satellite in this file. Unfortunately, it's password locked and
>would take a while to crack.

CROW: The _government_ is involved with this?
TOM: Next thing you know, we'll find out Cancer Man's involved...

> And knowing the Feds, there's probably about
>ten more of these damn checkpoints before any real information. I'll keep
>working on it, but there's no point in waiting around."
> Mulder paused. "Do you know anything about this Gizmonic
>Institute?"

TOM: It's the home of the "Big G" burger!

> Frohike looked up briefly from the keyboard. "Only a location.
>You might want to check it out, but I wouldn't recommend it at this time
>of year. "
> Mulder looked puzzled. "Why?"
> Frohike grinned, a look bordering on evil in his eyes. " 'Cause
>it's in northern Minnesota. Eden Prairie, to be exact."

MIKE: Minnesota! AH!
CROW: <Minnewegian> Oh, it's such a nice place...
TOM: <same> Oh, yeah.

> Groaning, Mulder said nothing. His investigations had taken him to some
>pretty cold places, but he'd heard that in Minnesota people had to have
>their nerves removed just to survive the winter.

MIKE: HEY!
TOM: Wait, hasn't he been to Alaska?
CROW: Yeah!

> Frohike turned toward him. "Hey Mulder." Without waiting for
>Mulder to answer, he went on. "Say hi to Dana for me."

CROW: <as Mulder> Yeah, stop droolin' on yourself, Frohike...

> Mulder fought back the urge to laugh.

MIKE: I don't know how...

> "Call me if you get
>anything." Taking his coat, Mulder, opened the door to leave. He needed
>to get going if he was going to get plane tickets on time.

TOM: <singing> Get me a ticket for an aero-plane...

>
>
>********************

CROW: You don't have to be a star, baby/ To be in my show.
MIKE: I think we're running low on "star" songs...

>Somewhere in New York City
>January 26, 1996
>
> The smoke hung in a wispy haze around the greying executive's
>head.

TOM: AAAAAAHHH!
MIKE: Gee, looks like you were right, Tom.
CROW: Oh, I can't _believe_ this!

> He inhaled from a cigarette, the tip glowed a reddish orange, then
>dimmed again. Breathing deeply, the man stood. "You all know why you're
>here. The SOL project has taken quite a nosedive in progress-"

MIKE: The government is funding the project...?
TOM: Your tax dollars at work, folks!

> glancing
>at a young scientist seated next to him, he added "-again. Not to mention
>the holes in your theories.

MIKE: <as Cancer Man> And in your head...

> Nelson is holding up much too well.

MIKE: HA! So put that in your pipe and smoke it, Dr. F!

> We need
>a new tester, someone to start the experimentation over.

TOM: NOOOOOO!
CROW: Not another guy!!

> Your idea of
>this...this 'super-race', it has promise.

ALL: WHAT?!
MIKE: Well, it's official, folks... Katie Moore has lost what little sense
she had...

> But will it really work? Can
>we really make these people strong enough to withstand the experiment?"

CROW: This is so wrong in so many ways...

> The younger man with odd lime green glasses and a matching lab
>coat rose, looking nervously at his shoes.

ALL: Dr. F! BOO! HISS! Etc...

> "Sir, we have a problem. You
>see, by now all of the reserve subjects we've been holding have either
>failed the last stages and killed themselves.

MIKE: They've failed the last stages AND killed themselves?

> The necessary gene is only
>present in a handful of the ones still living.

TOM: "Gene"?
MIKE: Yeah, you know... For that "master race".
TOM: Ohhhhhh...

MIKE: GUYS! Don't collapse on me now! We can do this! You don't want Dr.
F to win, do you?
TOM: <sniffle> No...
CROW: <getting a second wind> Let me at 'er!

> A few of the backups are
>still under observation, though. With some more time..."

TOM: Oh, if only Dr. F had more brains!
CROW: Hehehe...

> The cigarette-smoking man violently slammed his fist down on the
>mahogany table, interrupting the scientist's explanation.

MIKE: You can't HANDLE the truth!

> "Time?! I'm
>not funding this anymore unless you show some progress and all you damn
>'scientists' can do is ask for more time. Why don't you just go out there
>and take back one of those 'backups'?"

TOM: Uh-oh...

> Sitting now, the trembling scientist spoke timidly. "Well, in
>fact, we've noticed especially promising characteristics in one subject.

CROW: Here it comes folks...

>She wouldn't be hard to locate, although the implant seems to have been
>removed."

TOM: "She"... I don't liiiike thiiiis...

> Sighing in a mixture of impatience and relief, the leader of the
>meeting spoke calmly again. "Who?"
> "Ms. Dana Scully."

ALL: AAAAHH!!

>
>************************

MIKE: <singing> Starry, starry night...

>
>End Part 1/2

MIKE: YAY! Lets get out of here guys...

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