MiSTed- Who-Trek 2

[Currie1501]

Read through the beginning, too. I tried to cram as much fun into
it as possible. How? I randomly threw in John Cleese!
_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_
LAST TIME ON THE WHO-TREK MISTING...
==========================================================
MIKE: Hey guys, what's with the stolen Seaquest uniforms?
CROW: I'll have you know this is the formal dress uniform of the Zambonian
Star Command!
MIKE: So, why are you guys wearing it?
CROW: That sure is one steel-trap mind you have there, Mike. We are now
members of a giant real-life enactment of a classic space strategy game,
wherein multiple players control battleships and use them to discover new
star systems, attack unfriendly systems, destroy trade routes, and in most
cases, explode during heated space battles.
TOM: Our side is losing badly.

>>>
TOM: Now, do you see all those orange triangles with their lines pointed
at us? Those are the Intestinoids. All of those ships are of the class
Battlestar Laxative, the highest class of Intestinoid ships.
MIKE: Really?

>>>
TOM: The last message we received from High Command was eight weeks ago,
and I can't find any planets that belong to us anymore. Or any ships.
We've taken so long to get to the planet, our entire civilization has been
wiped out. Our ancient culture has been annihilated. Anything we hold
familiar has been callously destroyed by countless spaceborne engines of
destruction.
MIKE: Wow. That sucks.

>>>
CROW(bitterly): I should've known that you had befriended such hideous
fiends. Have you no soul?

>>>
PEARL: Notice that I ordered the ships to hold their positions while I
torment you mercilessly. It's one of the advantages to not having a soul.
But why am I getting sidetracked? I should be sending you these Dr.
Who/Star Trek fanfics. Hop in that police box and jumpstart the TARDIS,
boys!

>>>
TOM: That's not me! That's my evil twin!
TOM'S EVIL TWIN: Ha! It's too late! Gypsy is having my baby!
TOM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...
MIKE: Gypsy can't have babies. She's a robot.

>>>
CROW: Mike, I think I'm pregnant.
TOM: So am I.
MIKE: You are not. You're robots. I have no idea how you came up with
this silly idea. And why are we doing this in a soap-opera fashion? The
last flashback wasn't even from the first story. Who writes this stuff?

>>>
GYPSY: Oh, Richard Basehart, how I have longed for you.
RICHARD BASEHART: I feel the same way, Gypsy.
REAL RICHARD BASEHART: He's not the real Richard Basehart! He's my evil
twin!
RICHARD BASEHART'S EVIL TWIN: Ha! It's too late! Gypsy is having my
baby!
REAL RICHARD BASEHART:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...
MIKE: FOR THE LAST TIME, ROBOTS CAN'T HAVE BABIES!!
JOHN CLEESE:I'm sorry, you'll have to end this sketch right now, it's
*far* too silly for American television, so you must have stolen it from
Monty Python.
CROW: How'd he get here?
TOM: The same way that robots have babies.
MIKE: Stop it! My brain hurts!

>>>
CROW'S EVIL TWIN: I'm having John Cleese's baby.
MIKE: That's *disgusting!*
JOHN CLEESE: Don't insult my wife.

_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^
PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE ACTION PACKED CONCLUSION TO WHO-TREK, RIGHT AFTER
THESE INANE COMMERCIALS!!!!!!!!!!
==========================================================
[Commercials] Buy me Buy me Buy me Buy me Buy me Buy me Buy me Buy me
Buy me Buy me Buy me Buy me Buy me Buy me Buy me Buy me Buy me Buy me Buy
me Buy me Buy me Buy me Buy me Buy me Buy me Buy me Buy me Buy me Buy me
Buy me
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

CROW: Let's have a hand for our guest star John Cleese!
MIKE: He left.
CROW: What? Why?
MIKE: He found out how much we pay guest stars.
CROW: How could he walk out on me and John Cleese Jr.?
MIKE: Robots can't have- oh, forget it.
TOM: All the evil twins are off the ship. Richard Basehart left, too.
Said something about cheap little shows and Irwin Allen always having a
good check ready.
MIKE: We really have to keep our guest stars from finding out that kind of
information. (Van light flashes, and Mike hits it.)
Hello?

(Space Van. Pearl is still in her orange uniform.)

PEARL: Well, Nelson, this looks like the last time I'll see you. I've set
my ships on a course to reach attack range right about the time your last
post is over, so if you're not dead by then, the ship's hull will rupture
and your weak bodies will be subject to the horrors of space. You should
feel some minor discomfort.

(SoL)

MIKE: What's to stop us from killing ourselves right now?

(Van)

PEARL: It's morally wrong.

(SoL)

MIKE: Darn. Oh well, what's our latest post, then?

(Van)

PEARL: It's a meaningless VOY post named "When Two Worlds Meet, Part 1:
The Baedeker of Time." It has just enough misspellings to make it
suspiciously Ratliffian, but it says that the author is named Rachel
Hendricks. Possibly a pseudonym?

(SoL)

MIKE: Nah, couldn't be.
CROW: Never.
TOM: Of course not.

(pause)

ALL: IT'S RATLIFF!!
TOM: We're going to die! We're going to die!

(Fanfic Sign)

ALL: AUUUUGGHHHH!! PSEUDONYM ALERT!

(6...5...4...3...2...1...Theatre)

>From:

TOM: The timelock just fused itself shut.
MIKE: Please, please, *please* don't be...

> "R. Hendricks" <rhend...@globalent.net>

MIKE: Whew.

>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative

CROW: Forget Ratliff, that newsgroup is scary enough on it's own.

>Subject: When Two Worlds Meet
>Date: Mon, 15 Jul 1996 19:58:16 -0700
>Organization: Altopia Corp. - Affordable Usenet Access -

ALL: JOIN US!

>http://www.alt.net
>Lines: 200

TOM: Ugh...I feel... dizzy...

>Message-ID: <31EB05...@globalent.net>
>Reply-To: rhend...@globalent.net

CROW(evilly): Oh, we will, you can count on that.

>Mime-Version: 1.0

MIKE: With 2.0, you can trap fanfics in invisible boxes.
TOM: We'll have to get one of those.

>Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
>Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
>X-Mailer:

CROW:(hums the theme from X-Men)

> Mozilla 3.0b4 (Win16; I)
>
>Hello. The following is a story by Rachel Hendricks.

MIKE: It better. I'm not mentally prepared for Ratliff.

>
>Star Trek is owned by Paramount and the BBC owns Doctor Who.

>It takes place after Descent but before All Good Things...
>
>And right after the end of Fox's movie "Doctor Who"
>
>When Two Worlds Meet
>Part 1
>The Baedeker* of Time

CROW: Baedeker? Sounds like a Austrian resort town.

>
>The Enterprise was orbiting yet another planet that had been >devistated
by
>the borg. They had arrived too late to save the inhabatance of >the
planet.

MIKE: So the pizza was free.

>It did however put to death the thought that the borg were no >longer a
>threat.

TOM: No longer a threat?
CROW: They're only a race of bloodthirsty robots intent on destroying the
universe. No big deal.

> It seemed that the borg just continued on relentlessly .

MIKE: Some fool had let them have Energizers.

>For a
>hlaf a year the borg had retreated to the outer stretches of >Federation
>space.
>
>Concluding that the bulk of the borg was uneffected by the >change of
>some of the borg the Enterprise sent a message to StarFleet head
>quarters.

CROW(as Picard): We request that we send Wesley into a Borg ship to try
and annoy them to death.
TOM(as Starfleet HQ): Negative. Wesley must be ejected into a sun to
study the temperature.

>
>Starfleet command this is the USS Enterprise. Clearance code >sigma
theta
>alpha. The Borg are still a threat to the Federation. The change >seems
>to only affected some of the borg. Included is censor scans

MIKE: They censored the Borg?
TOM(as Borg): You [bleep]heads will be assimilated.

>
and >realted
>information on the attack of Darle III.

CROW(as Picard):We were too late and they blew it up.

>
>End Communique.

MIKE: Okay, I will.

>
>
>
><<one week later...>>
>
>"To any vessel in the area.

TOM: Are your transwarp afterburners running?
CROW(as Picard): Why, yes.
TOM: Better go catch it!

> We are under
attack of the Borg. We >do not have
>enough
>power to hold them off for long. Please, help us. Repeat We are
>under..."
>
>"Helm set course and engage at warp 7."

MIKE(as helmsman): To *what?*

>
Picard said. "Mister >Worf, are
>there any other vessels in rage that could help us?"

CROW(as Worf): Well, there's a bulk freighter that seems pretty angry over
to our starboard side...(normal voice) because he asked if there were
vessels in rage! Get it? Get it?

>"Yes the Gemini and Nibit are enroute as well." Worf said

TOM: The Nibit? Isn't that a cat food?

>"Good I'd hate taking them on by our selves." Picard
>
>"Captain the Nibit is hailing us." Worf anounced from his consol.
>"On screen"
>"Enterprise, were on ourway to assist. We'll be in range in 10
>minutes."

MIKE(as Nibit captain): Of course, by then you'll probably be random atoms
floating aroung in space, and we won't have to do squat, but that's how I
managed to be captain.

>"Understud. Transmitting attack plan now.." Picard motioned to >Worf
>to transmitt.

CROW(as Worf): Hey, he flipped me off!

>"Channel closed."
>
>.......

TOM: A lone herd of periods travels across space.

>
>In another part of space and time the TARDIS was traveling >towards

MIKE: The closest Burger King.

>Galifrey. The Doctor briefly wondered if the Master was truely >gone.

CROW: The Master? Hey, Dr. Who's Torgo!
TOM(Torgo): ThE maStER WOulD APPrecIate a NEw tiME-MAchInE foR hIs BRiDe.

>He knew that there was a chance he survived, however he >wasn't
>going to dwell on it. The thought last about 2 seconds.

MIKE: Then he fantasized about Cindy Crawford again.

>
>The console bleeped telling the Doctor someone was calling from >help.
>The Doctor played the message:

CROW: You want some fries with that order, ma'am?

>
>"To any vessel in the area. We are under attack of the Borg. We >do not
have
>enough
>power to hold them off for long. Please, help us. Repeat We are
>under..."
>
>The Borg? he thought..

MIKE: For three seconds. Then it was back to Cindy Crawford.

> He began flipping
switches and turning >dials on the
>newly remodeled console. The TARDIS soon arrived on a >devistated
planet.
>
>Too late.
>
>The Doctor steped out of the TARDIS.

TOM: Tripping and falling on a sharp rock, thus killing himself and ending
the fanfic.
CROW: Hurray!

>
He gazed around at the >horrid site.
>The ground was dug up so deep that lava was begining to come >through the

>cracks.

TOM(as Dr.): Yeah, you got some serious mole problems here.

> Not a tree, or building was left, the surface was
totally >removed.
>
>......
>
>The Enterprise had arrived to see the borg ship leaveing with a >larg
peice
>of the planet in tow.
>Too late.
>Not again, Picard thought. He wished the Borg would just go >away.

MIKE(as Picard): Mommy, make them go away!

> Billions
>of lives taken, and nothing he could do.
>
>Picard was drawn out of his dark thoughts by a statement by >Data.

CROW(as Data): Snap out of it, baldy.

>"Captain, There is someone on the planet." Data stated calmly.
>"There is? Where?" Picard stood up and walked over to Data's
>station and gazed over his shoulder.

TOM(as Picard): Hey, this is the Playboy channel!
MIKE(as Data): Umm... I was studying it for anatomical research.

>On the view screen a map of the planet appeared, a blue dot >appeared
>on the map. "The lifesign is coming from the edge of what used >to be,
>rakel city."

CROW(as Data): And now closely resembles L.A. from an aerial view.

> Data's consol bleeped. "Sir the lifesign has
>dissappeared."
>"What..?" Picard gasped.
>
>.....
>
>The Doctor reentered the TARDIS and noticed that 4 ships were >orbiting
>the planet. He picked one and the TARDIS dematrialized.
>.....
>
>On the Nibit, a blue box appeared on the bridge.

MIKE: UPS sure made a lot of tecnological breakthroughs in the 25th
century.

>"Where did THAT come from?" captain Karen Baedeker

TOM: Of time.

>"I don't know sir!"

CROW(as crewmember): I wasn't paying attention to the fanfic!
MIKE: Me neither.

> Lt.Larson said as he rechecked
the sensor >logs. According
>to the sensors the box labeled "police public call box" was not >there.

TOM: Of course, it wouldn't know this because his console is just a bunch
of colored lights underneath a glass panel.

>
>Baedeker walked around the box. "I hope this is not one of that >Q's
jokes."
>
>.....
>
>The Doctor had turned on the montor, what he saw as a woman >in her 30s
>walking
>aeound the tardis.

MIKE(as Doctor): All right, I picked the one with a chick on board!

>
>The Doctor grabeb a few things including his sonic screw driver

CROW: And his Pheromone-10 Love Potion.

>and headed for
>the
>door. He steped out and was greeted by the woman somewhat >rudely he
thought,

TOM(as Baedeker): Who the *^#@ are you?

>but
>then it was not new.
>
>
>"How did you get on my ship?" she asked.
>
>"In my TARDIS, my ship." replied as he started to wonder

MIKE(singing): I wonder, I wa-wa-wa-wa-wonder...

>around the bridge of
>the
>nibit.
>A beeping came from Larson's console. "Sir, the Enterprise is >hailing
us."

CROW(as Larson): And the Battlestar Galactica's on line two.

>
>"Is it me or does the enterprise have a nose for these kind of >things?"
>She to no one in particular.

TOM: For the sake of kndness, let's let that one pass.

>
>"Excuse me, who are you?" she said to the man from the blue >box.
>

MIKE: I am Professor Lombardi.

>He turned to face the captain and walked towards her "I am the >Doctor,
Jelly
>baby?"

ALL: (snicker)
CROW(as Baedeker): Don't you ever call me that again, you pervert.

>He held out a paper bag, the captain took one.

TOM(as Baedeker): Ooh, a paper bag! I can make a mask out of this!

>
>"Pardon me for a moment" Karen turned to Larson "on screen"

MIKE: His nickname is "on screen"?

>....
>
>Picard wondered what had taken Baedeker so long to respond to >their
hail.
>He was about to tell worf to

CROW: Stay away from his woman.

> try again
when he anounced that >they had finally
>ansewered.
>
>"Sorry captain, we have a um... Vistor. "

MIKE: Oh great, it's a V crossover too.

>"A vistor? Who?" Picard quickly used the console on his arm rest >and
checked
>the scanner logs, there had been no ship in the area for some >time.
>Could it be Q he thought?

TOM(as Picard): I don't care how omnipotent he is, I'll wipe that smarmy,
"I'm a god and you're not" look off his face.

>
>A man obviosly not a officer steped into view.
>
>Picard quickly stood up and walk towards Data's position at ops.

MIKE: Thrill to the fast-paced movement of Picard to Data's position!
CROW: No one will be seated during the "walking to get a better view of
the screen" scene!

>It wasn't Q, though he never new with him.

TOM: So, it could easily be Q, but it isn't, because he happens to look
like a British time traveler.

>
It also crossed
>his mind that the Nibit might be under that mans control.

MIKE: What would he do, bribe them all with the jelly babies?

>
>"He calls himself the `Doctor.' "

CROW(as Baedeker): Just like your crewmen call you "Adolf."

>"Hello, I'd offer you a jelly baby if you were here." The doctor >smiled.
>
>Karen continued,"He just arrived, right before
>you hailed us."

TOM(as Baedeker): Please kill him.

>
>If the Doctor had taken over the Nibit picard figured he would >have
>said so by now.

MIKE(as Dr.): Oh, by the way, I've taken over.

> Also the Baedeker didn't act like
she was not >incontrol.

CROW(as Baedeker): Just because I'm tied up doesn't mean I'm not in
control!

>
>"I assure you both I mean no harm. I heard the destress signal >from
>the planet, I arrived to late it seems." THe doctors expression >was
grim as
>if he had seen simalar sights before.
>
>"How did you get inside the Nibit, and on the bridge? " Baedeker >asked.

>In my ship, the TArdis,like I said eailer.It goes to the point in >space
>I want to go and, travels to the point in time in which you are >here,
which
>now and for the past 20 minutes.

MIKE(as Dr.): I English lessons need a lot.

>
So i didn't really go *through* >your ship.
>YOu could say I was at the right place at the right time.."

CROW(as Dr.): You could also say that I'm a psychopath who travels from
starship to starship offering jelly babies, but that would be rude.

>
>When the Doctor had said "travels to the point in time..." picards
>attention
>was intent on him. "Travel through time?" Picard asked.

TOM(singing): If I could turn back time...

>
It was >against
>federation and starfleet laws to interfere with time, hence >timetravel
was
>forbidden.

MIKE: The only way to get around this rule is to make a movie that
involves it. If so, you can screw up time any way you want.

>
>"yes, In my TARDIS, T-A-R-D-I-S Time And Relative Dementions >In Space."
>He really hated repeating himself.

CROW(as Dr.): Himself himself himself himself himself himself himself
himself-boy, I hate this- himself himself himself himself himself...

>
Generally humans accepted >that he
>traveled in time and didn't think anything of it. Or more >precisely
>let it pass thinking the man was a bit on the loony side.

MIKE: Well, the randomly offering people jelly babies probably makes them
lean to that opinion a lttle more.

>
>"Enough about me who are you?" The Doctor asked to both the >Captain
>of the Nibit and the Enterprise.
>
>"I am Captain Karen Kaedeker of the Nibit,

TOM: That's an awfully strange speech impediment.

>
and that is Captain
>Jean-luc Picard of the Enterprise."

CROW(as Picard): I can introduce myself, you know...
MIKE(as Baedeker): Shut up, kutthead.

>"Prehaps i should beam over to the nibit Captain. So we can
>Discuss this in person."

TOM(as Picard): Let's lose the Jelly Boy and get to know each other
better.
CROW(as Baedeker): Can you introduce me to Riker?

>
>"I agree. I'll meet you in our transporter."
>
>
>............
>
>
>*Baedeker-a guide book

MIKE: The Hitchikers Baedeker to the Universe.

>
>Okay this is my story so far. Is it anygood? Or is it really bad?

CROW: Take a guess.

>
>The Doctor is #8.

TOM: Oh, that clears up everything.

>
>The Nibit is a ship I made up. It's the same class as the Voyager
>(whatever
>that is..?)

MIKE: A really lousy Trek show.

> The name is just a wacky word i came up with a
while >back.

CROW: Possibly while drunk.

>
>Keep an eye out for "Who Ever Said Life is EasY"

MIKE: I did!
TOM: No, I did!
CROW: You're both wrong! I did!

>
>
>
>HI

MIKE: BYE

>( )========( )

TOM: It's a basic blueprint of the SoL!
CROW: Look for an escape route.
MIKE: Up through the parentheses!

>
>
>
>

MIKE: Hey, an air shaft under my seat!
TOM: Good. I whipped up a special something that will get us out of here.
It's waiting on the bridge.

(1...2...3...4...5...6...Bridge)

(Tom is standing next to a large cabinet with an open door.)

TOM: Guys, I present my TARDIS!
CROW: Oh.
MIKE: Uh, great, Crow.

(long silence)

TOM: What?
MIKE: Well... we were expecting an escape pod or a teleporter or-
CROW: Basically, we were expecting something useful, not a large piece of
FURNITURE!
TOM: Take it easy! I read the Dr. Who technical FAQ, developed a few
theories, refined the logic, and then my future self came back in time and
gave me this TARDIS to make sure he would still exist!
MIKE: Well, I'll take my chances with an escape po-

(The set rocks from a mysterious explosion.)

MIKE: The hell?

(Another explosion.)

CROW: The Intestinoid ships must have reached us!

(Another explosion.)

TOM: Hop in, guys!
MIKE: I'm not so sure about this TARDIS thing...
TOM: Too bad! I'm the only game in town!
CROW: I'm not arguing.

(Crow enters the TARDIS.)

TOM: Hurry up, Mike!
MIKE: It's too small for all of us, Tom.
TOM: No it isn't. I included a special dimension inside it. I could fit
the populations of several planets in there.
MIKE: If you say so, Tom.

(Mike enters the TARDIS. Tom follows.)

MIKE(from inside TARDIS): Hey, nice place you got here, Tom.
TOM(from inside TARDIS): Yeah, I know. Do you think the fountain makes it
look to glitzy?
CROW(from inside TARDIS): No, it's beautiful. I especially like the glass
swans in that third pool from the top.
MIKE: Oooh, an IMAX theater!
TOM: Yeah, it'll add style to our MiSTings.
CROW: Where's Gypsy?
TOM: I employed her as janitor.
CROW: Janitor of an entire dimension?
TOM: I plan to enslave several primitive planets and put them to work
cleaning toilets.
MIKE: Should we be going somewhere?
TOM: Oh yeah. Push that button over there.
MIKE: Alright, now wha-

(The TARDIS disappears from view with a pop.)

(Space Van. The TARDIS reappears in the back seat, next to Bobo.)

BOBO: EEK! Lawgiver?
PEARL: Hush dear, I'm gloating.
BOBO: But Lawgiver I-
PEARL: I said *hush*. I just annihilated the SoL, and I need some time to
laugh maniacally. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!(She continues to laugh.)

(Door of TARDIS slowly begins to open. Bobo taps frantically on Pearl's
shoulder.)

BOBO: Lawgiver! I think you should-
PEARL: I said not while I'm gloating!
BOBO: Uhh, Observer?
OBSERVER: Hush. I want to gloat too.

(Mike gets out of the TARDIS. Pearl is still laughing, and Observer,
too.)

BOBO: Lawgiver! Lawgiver! That guy is-
PEARL: Don't interrupt my maniacal laugh again, or it's out the airlock
with you!
BOBO: But the guy is climbing out of-
PEARL: One more crack out of you, mister, and I'll condemn you to the
prision planet I just colonized!

(Mike stands there, makes a face at Bobo, and gives Pearl's seat a vicious
kick. Mike then scrambles back into the TARDIS. Pearl turns around to
yell at Bobo.)

PEARL: That's it! I'm turning this starship around right now and heading
home! No resort planets for you!
OBSERVER: But I didn't do anything wrong!
PEARL: Well, you have Bobo to thank for that!
BOBO: But Nelson was the one who-
PEARL: Nelson is space debris! Didn't you see the SoL get blown apart?
BOBO: He stepped out of a cabinet thing and then he went back in and it
disappeared.
PEARL: Where did you learn to lie like that? I'll have to wash your mouth
out with soap.
__________________________________________________________
BOBO(hopefully, voice-over): \ | /
Can I choose which flavor? \ | / (PFWISH!)
_________________________ ---O--- MST3K is property of Best
/ | \
Brains Inc. No copyrights
/ | \
have been harmed in the

making of this MiSTing.

Keep circulating the text
files!