MSTING: Walter's gotten his Groove Back (HELLSING)
Silas Janzen
please remember to remove the xx's. Good. The original MSTING can be
found at my and a friends' Hellsing website:
http://www.geocities.com/ijgrantca/index.html
(temporary home, under construction.)
****
"Walter's Gotten His Groove Back!"
By Angie
MSTING By Silas Janzen
No offence is meant to the original author of this story.
MST3K is owned by Best Brains. This MSTING was done purely for
entertainment, and no infringment of
the copyright is intended or should be implied. And now, on with the
MSTING!
***********BEGIN MSTING*************
Disclaimer: ELLSING-HAY oesn't-day elongy-bay o-tay e-may. Isclaimer-day
ill-way emain-ray in-ay
effect-ay or-fay he-tay uaration-day of-ay eries-say. (If you have
learnt Pig Latin you should understand
that. If not, shame, shame, shame: go back to primary school and learn
it...^-^)
Walter's Gotten His Groove Back!!
CROW <psuedo-rapperish>: Gettin' Jiggy Wit It!
MIKE: Crow, think about what you just said.
CROW: Uh...uh...GYAAAH!
4:30 am. Time to get up.
ALL: The Hell it aint!
Walter con Dolneaz yawned and rubbed his eyes. Removing himself (rather
unwillingly) from his bed,
MIKE: Wouldn't that require him to have to be _inside_ the bed?
CROW: Nitpick, nitpick...
he donned his flannel robe over cotton pyjamas.
MIKE <grandmotherly voice>: Oooh, little walty looks just _adorable_ in
those pajamas...
CROW: Maybe it's just me, but Walter doesn't seem like a pajamas type.
TOM <looking over at Crow>: You'd rather he had been sleeping in the
buff?
CROW: TOM!
MIKE: That's my line!
Odd, Walter mused as he made his way to his ensuite bathroom in the
dark, I feel...different somehow.
CROW: He's developed super powers!
MIKE: But...he already has powers.
CROW <angry>: Oh, ruin a perfectly good riff why don't you?
Several times he stumbled on his pyjama bottoms;
CROW <Beavis>: Hey, he said "bottoms". Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh...
either he shrank in the course of the night or the damn pants were
drawn down around his knees!!
MIKE <sickly>: I really, really, REALLY hope it turns out to be the
latter...
He was continuously stepping on the loose cotton material, finally
falling arse down.
CROW <Beavis>: Hey, he said--
MIKE: Once is enough.
After several (painful) falls and equal number of curses,
MIKE <Walter, grumbling>: Consharned pajamas...
Walter managed to make it to the bathroom. Not bothering to turn on the
lights for now the glow of false
dawn filtered through the window, he staggered the sink
CROW <Walter, strictly, to sink>: Hey, don't think I didn't see that!
Stand up straight! That's it...
to wash his face and felt around his chin for any stubble. Pleased and a
little surprised to find none (that
meant no sharp razor blades nor any stinging cuts!)
CROW: Well, I wouldn't know...
MIKE: Har, har.
Walter looked at himself in the medicine cabinet mirror for any
indications of changes in himself and
almost yelled from shock.
CROW: Well, what else would you yell from?
A youthful 20-year-old Walter con Dolneaz stared back from the mirror
surface.
ALL <imitating muted trumpet>: Waaaah waaah WAAAH...
Walter must've been gawking at himself for sometime,
CROW <walter>: Damn, I'm handsome. I'm damnedly handsome! I'm sinfully
handsome! I'm so--
MIKE: Okay, you can stop now. We get it.
for now the first rays of true dawn now fell on the tiled floor of the
ensuite.
TOM: For now...For now...JUST CAN IT WITH THE FOR NOW'S ALREADY!!
He glanced first at his hands, smooth and still strong looking; they
weren't ruined by age and wrinkles.
CROW <Walter>: Why, with these hands, I could...
MIKE: Stop right there.
Then he looked down at his body.
CROW <Walter>: GYAAH! Victoria! What are you doing there?!
MIKE: one more time, buddy...
So that's why he kept tripping; the pyjama bottoms were too long for him
by five centimetres!
CROW: Walter was always sure to carry around a ruler in case
circumstances like this ever arose...
The same circumstances were found on the pyjama sleeves.
TOM: He had DVDs of "His and Her Circumstances" on his sleeves?
He looked like a teenaged boy wearing his father's bedclothes.
MIKE: But...It just said he was 20...
Walter snapped his attention
CROW: Ten-HUT!
back to the face staring from the mirror.
MIKE <walter>: Mirror, mirror, on the wall...
What the fook happened t' me?!
CROW: Walter never talked like THAT!
MIKE: The author might have been referring to the english dub
version...I've never seen it myself.
He balked at the next question he asked himself.
CROW: Where did I leave my car keys?
MIKE: How many chucks could a wood-chuck chuck if a wood-chuck could
chuck wood?
An' what am I goin' t' do now?!
CROW: YOu know, this is going to start bugging me...
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
MIKE <deep voice>: Signs left by ancient astronauts...
"Integra? Integra get up now, please! This is urgent!"
CROW <Integra> More urgent than THESE?!
What was all the commotion? Was it an emergency? Didn't sound as
urgent...She groaned in protest and
moved her head closer to the pillow. 'Twas far too early...
MIKE <Walter>: I got you cigars!
INTEGRA <excited>: Where?! Where?! GIMMEEEE!
The voice broke again through her sleep-hazed mind; it sounded half way
between demanding and
pleading.
MIKE: Walter? Pleading? That I have a hard time beleiving.
CROW <Walter, pleading>: Please? I'll clean your room!
TOM <Integra>: You already clean my room!
CROW <Walter>: Oh, that's right.
And it sounded very familiar. Walter...? Strong hands firmly shook her
awake.
CROW <serious announcer>: Never, EVER shake an Integra.
After blearily opening tired blue eyes, a familiar yet not so familiar
face looming over her began to come
into focus.
"AAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEKKK!!!"
MIKE: Yes, that would probably be my reaction too.
For the first time in her 23-year-old life,
CROW: She had--
MIKE: Crowwwwwww....
CROW:--Tried Dr. Pepper. What?
MIKE: Sure.
Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing screamed (a feat Alucard has longed
to do).
TOM: Since when is screaming a "feat"?
She flung herself to the other side of her king size bed, away from the
strangely familiar young man who
had woken her. She would have reached for her pistol concealed in the
headboard of her bed, when the
young man spoke again.
"Integra! Calm yourself child! It's me:
CROW <Walter>: Your worst nightmare!
Walter!"
"WALTER?!"
TOM <Walter>: Yes?
The young man nodded. Integra, rather than grab the gun,
ALL: No! Grab the gun! End the fic early!
picked up her glasses on the bedside table and pushed them past the
bridge of her nose,
TOM: And through her skull, reducing her brain to a pulpy grey mass.
blinking her eyes rapidly in disbelief.
Yes it was Walter...48 years younger that is. He still had the same
eyes, though instead of containing the
mildness she was accustomed to, young Walter's green eyes were darker
and held a certain roguish look
about them.
CROW: As opposed to a Ryougaish look.
MIKE: That was lame.
CROW: Ah, bite me.
and his hair was still black; it was no longer pulled back from his face
but rather hung down waywardly
over rather handsome features.
MIKE: Hooray for thesauruses!
Dressed in night-time attire that would be more suited for an older man
(dark blue pyjamas covered by a
flannel robe), Integra absently noticed that the pyjamas were at least
two sizes bigger for (the now young)
Walter.
"Wha--?"
"What's happened to me you ask? Wish I could tell you child but I
haven't a clue!" Young Walter
scratched his head and muttered half jestingly, "Must have been
something I ate the night before..."
CROW <Walter>: ...I've got to learn to order only one chicken...
Integra just continued blinking at him in bewilderment, while hastily
robing herself (she was wearing her
favourite lingerie: a satin red number,
MIKE: Yes, but what number was it?
which she literally wrestled from Alucard's grasp).
<all stare at screen in bewilderment, then laugh.>
CROW: Alucard's fraternity days...
She felt...indecent, wearing the flimsy material in front of Walter,
whether he was an old and paternal
figure in her life, and ESPECIALLY indecent in front of a young,
handsome Walter. The usually calm and
controlled air Integra habitually emanates was nowhere to be seen as she
took in his striking person.
CROW: Uh, oh...I sense some wrongness up ahead...
MIKE: Crow...this is NOT a lemon.
Absently, young Walter noted that lack of confidence and ambiguity was
not very becoming of his
Mistress.
CROW: AAAAAUGH!!! IT IS A LEMON!!!
TOM: Suddenly, Walter has turned into Kintaro Oe...
"I thought it best to tell you first of my, ah, change of status," young
Walter's tone didn't have the baritone
quality
TOM <announcer>: Yes, for the best quality baritone, you need to head
over to Big Bobs Music Shack!
to 68-year-old Walter, yet his voice was pleasantly deep and still
slightly accented, "so you wouldn't have
conniptions over the strange, yet handsome young man who was serving you
in place of old man Walter."
He tried to lighten the situation and mood.
MIKE:...By plugging in the lamp, but he found that the lightbulbs had
burnt out.
"R-right. Of course. Thank you for your forethought."
The way she was looking at him made Walter ill at ease. Apart from the
astonishment and uncertainty on
her face, Integra had the look found on flustered girls on their first
dates. Was she...giving him an
appraisal?
TOM <sarcastic>: NO!!
MIKE: Actually, I think she was giving him a boot to the head.
"Integra, where are your manners child? Change or no change, haven't I
taught you that staring is quite
rude?"
CROW: Hey, isn't it supposed to be Integra bitching at HIM?
The Lady of the House blinked several more times before his statement
registered
MIKE:...for a local religious cult. His statement would never be the
same again.
and looked away. When she looked back, Integra's usual cool demeanour
was restored.
TOM <perky>: Abracadabra! Poof! Just like magic!
"Well forgive me, Walter, but my mentor and aged steward has now been
reverted to his youth and he
woke me up this morning. How else shall I react?"
"Hmph. Fair enough reason pet.
MIKE: pet. PET?!?! <groans loudly> I think I'll go hang myself.
But I'm still me."
And with that young Walter gave a smile that was a ghost of the one she
was used to, but it
seemed...cheekier. As the rejuvenated
CROW <british>: Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more!
butler walked away towards her bedroom door, he paused to give a
backwards glance at her that Integra
didn't trust. It reminded her too much of a certain infuriating vampyre,
yet it wasn't as manic but more
playful.
CROW: Playful like a little kitten...with sharp TEARING CLAWS OF
DEATH...<hyperventilates>
MIKE: Woah...easy there, buddy.
"Ye know, most women usually have a more pleasant reaction when they
wake up beside me."
MIKE <Walter>: Ifyaknowwhatimean!
He quipped, grinning a friendly, yet mischievous smile. Integra blushed
bright red, her blue eyes widening
at the insinuation of the jest and the person who made it.
A laughing young Walter con Dolneaz walked out of his mistress' bedroom.
CROW: AAAGH! There it is AGAIN!
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
"Heh heh heh, so Walter: you've discovered the secret of Eternal Youth,
hmmn? Care to share?"
CROW <Walter, whiny>: No! Mine! Miiiiine!
"You've Immortal idiot. You wouldn't need it, so no."
CROW <Motherly voice>: Boys, Boys! Play nice!
Integra sighed and began to furiously massage her temples.
TOM: ...so fast, in fact, that her temples caught on fire and burnt her
head to an evil-smelling blackened
shell.
MIKE: Okay, now you're starting to scare me, Tom.
She stared at the two men facing her who were standing on the other
side of her desk. Alucard and young
Walter looked as though they were about to have a 'frank exchange of
ideas',
TOM: That's supposed to be sarcasm, right?
which Walter had told her was common sight to behold in the days of her
father's leadership. Just as she
was about to tell the two to 'SHUT UP!!'
MIKE: Ah, the Akane Tendo leadership method...
CROW: Works every time.
, Integra stopped herself: she couldn't deal with this; not right now.
MIKE: She still had to finish that crossword puzzle...
Not when one has just discovered that one's aged butler had somehow
reverted back to his youth. And
especially not when one finds out that his striking good looks appealed
to one.
MIKE <reads scentence again>: one WHAT?!
Alucard seemed unperturbed with the recent turn of events and didn't bat
an eyelash at seeing his old
comrade-in-arms revitalized to his youth. Of course, Alucard was over
550 years old, so he must have been
eyewitness to stranger and unusual things.
CROW: Ifyaknowwhatimean!
She stood up from her seat, a signal to the two to quit their bickering.
Integra addressed Walter.
MIKE:...put a stamp on him, and mailed him to George Bush, just for
kicks.
"The question is 'What do you want to do now?'"
TOM: hmm? HMMMMM?!
Integra and Alucard both looked at Walter; her glance held a certain
look that Walter could not identify,
while the vampyre's glance was brimming with evil, evil amusement.
CROW <Author>: I'll say it again: It was evil.
"Well," young Walter began slowly as he scratched the back of his neck,
"I presume the best option for me
is to go back into active service..."
CROW: Yes, it'll certainly be _active_...
MIKE: I told you before, Crow. This. Is. Not. A. Lemon.
CROW: Ah, bite me. It's fun.
OMAKE:
Battle for the Title of 'Bishi-Gami' and the Deal!!
"You damned fool! May I remind you that you are technically an old man,
while I will forever retain my
stunning bishi looks? So that makes me HELLSING's 'God of Bishi'!!"
CROW: Uh...What happened?
"Alucard, you're nothing more than HELLSING's resident bitch
TOM: No, No, No, you've got it all wrong. That's _Integra_.
and Integra's whipping boy. I am HELLSING's 'Bishi-Gami', whether old
or young. Accept it!"
TOM: Oh...that isn't Walter, is it?
CROW: This is so OOC, It isn't even funny.
Both 'Bishi Gods' glared at the other and whipped out their weapons;
Alucard had his Cassul aimed
squarely at young Walter's forehead while the latter had his garrottes
around the vampyre's entire body,
including his gun too.
TOM: REALLY? I never would've guessed...
"Boys," said the author amiably, rushing up to separate them before they
could mar those striking bishi
features, "You're both HELLSING's 'Gods of Bishi' or 'Bishi-Gami' or
whatever you title you wish. Now
put away those lovely weapons of carnage and follow me, my scrumptious
Undead slaying hotties... "
ALL: Eeeeeeeeeeeew...
CROW: "Scrumptious?"
This time both 'Bishi-Gamis' gave a very creeped-out look to Angie. Who
shrugged, grabbed both by the
hand and proceeded dragging a kicking and screaming Alucard and young
Walter towards her bedroom...
CROW: If this is supposed to be funny, it's not...
"OI!!" Growled a voice. The trio turned around: a fuming Integra stood
before them. Alucard and young
Walter looked relieved at the sudden turn of events, while the author
sighed at her miserable luck. "WHAT
THE HELL(SING)
ALL <monotone>: Ha. Ha. Ha.
DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! THEY BOTH BELONG TO THE LADY OF THE HOUSE:
ME!!"
TOM: Now, this is in character.
<Crow and Mike nod sagely>
"Oh don't be a greedy-guts 'Gra!" Protested Angie mightily. "Alright
here: have Alucard. He can give you
another stimulating
CROW <Minnewagan>: Ooh, It's real stimulating, don'tcha know.
bath time. You really seem to need it."
ALL: EWWW!
A pause.
"Hmmn, that's true. Alright then: I keep Alucard." Young Walter began to
show signs of panic; Alucard
was grinning triumphantly. "But he can't make a decent cup of tea like
Walter can!"
CROW: Gaaaah...the fangirlism...is...getting to me...
MIKE: No! Crow! Resist, Crow, Resist!
"Okay, okay, FINE! Monday to Wednesday: you have Walter and I have
Alucard. Thursday to Saturday we
swap. Sundays we halve the day: Saturday midnight to Sunday noon
Alucard's with me, and you can have
Walter. Sunday noon to midnight Monday we swap again. You follow me?"
CROW: Teeeheeeheee...tulips!
MIKE: Oh, no...
Nods all around. "Good. Now whaddya say, 'Gra? We got a deal? Yay or
Nay?"
<Crow has recovered slightly. All shout>: YES! WHATEVER! JUST END THE
THING ALREADY!
"Deal." Integra responded immediately and both ladies shook the other's
hand.
MIKE: Uh...Isn't that...
Now being a Saturday, Integra led (an eager) Alucard to her stately
bathroom. Which left young Walter
with the author, who gave him a shy smile. Walter shrugged (he seemed
resigned to his fate), smiled
wickedly back at her as he picked Angie up and sprinted to her
bedroom...
ALL: Oh no oh no oh no...
Author's Drivel:
MIKE: That's...it?
ALL <releived>: YES!!
Okay, just a little piece that was inspired by several hours gazing at
fanarts of young Walter con Dolneaz.
CROW: Emphasis on _gazing_...
After first seeing him as a young man I immediately thought
CROW: Kintaro!
TOM: Kaji!
MIKE: Guys...
BISHI-GAMI!!!' and not 'SHINI-GAMI'.
CROW <hyperventilating>: HOW _DARE_ YOU COMPARE
THE...SHOUNENLY..._SHOUNENESS_
of Shounen to--
MIKE: Crow, enough!
And after searching the Net for anything else about him, I discovered
that several doujinshis were created
concerning young Walter (note to self: continue learning Japanese and
save up money to buy said
doujinshis!! ^-^). So in the mean time, o' course I had to write about
young bishi, BISHI, BISHI Walter!!
CROW: Strange, I didn't see any flower petals in this fic.
TOM: Not a one.
<Crow and Tom nod sagely>
Calvin and Hobbes reference there: can you spot it?
MIKE: So, her intrests include Bishounen and Calvin and Hobbes.
Interesting.
*scrapes and bows to Bill Watterson*
ALL <bemused>: I seeeeee...
Dedicated to FF.net
CROW:...peons.
MIKE: CROW! Be nice!
members who that thing that they do late at night that I do, apart from
writing, reading and reviewing!!
Okay that sounded very suspect...but what I meant was staying up late to
read fics!! That's all I swear!!
^o^
CROW: Suuuuure...
Damned Caeli: The 'change the character's status' theme in your fic
'CAT-astrophe' inspired this! Thanks
for the bright idea!! *death hugz Caeli* OOPS!! Gomen!! ^-^;
CROW: Disgustingly cute...but...
TOM: Scary?
CROW: Right.
This is for all Walter fans (again!) whether young or old (fans and
Walter alike that is). You guys want me
to continue? *shrugs and grins* TOO LATE!! I will anyway!! *laughs
insanely until head falls off*
CROW:...was that an attempt at dark humor?
TOM: I think so.
A Merry Christmas to you!!
MIKE: Real nice present...
CROW: Oh, cheer up, Mike! Come on, let's go already.
MIKE: Okay...
<they all exit theater>
**************END MSTING************
Comments about this msting may be adressed to silas...@shaw.ca
Stay tuned for more!
The original fic can be seen here:
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1099614
--
____
Be sure to remove the "xx"'s from my email when replying. It should read
silas...@shaw.ca.
"Ford, you're turning into a penguin! Stop it!"
--Arthur Dent, The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy