MSTied: STEPHEN RATLIFF'S "The 7th Fleet." (Marrissa fic!) [(1/6)]
Tv's Weretorgo
Way down in Deep 13
Dr. Forrester
And Tv's Frank
Were hatching an Evil Scheme
They found a janitor named Joel
Just a regular fellow, somewhat droll
Their experiment needed a good test case
So they conked him on the noggin and they shot him into space... (get me down!!!!!!)
"We're sending him awful fanfics
The worst
We have read(la la la)
He'll have to sit and watch them all
Or else he won't get fed."
Now keep in mind
He can't control
When the story begins or ends
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends!"
ROBOT ROLL CALL!
CAMBOT (Elusive fellow)
GYPSY (What's with Basehart?)
TOM SERVO (Sarcastic little--)
CRO-O-O-O-W! (Nutball!)
If you're wondering how he lives and breathes
And other science facts (la la la)
Just repeat to yourself:
It's just a show
I should really just relax!
For Mystery Fanfic Theater: 3000!
[1...2...3...4...5...6... SOL]
[SOL. CROW and SERVO are in each others faces.]
JOEL: Oh, hi everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. You caught
us at an awkward time... see, both Crow and Tom are avid fans
of comedies from the thirties, aren't we all, and the inevitable
argument has just popped up--
CROW: [to SERVO] Yes, of course, but they only had TWO members, which
certainly reduces potentials!
SERVO: Yes, but they're MUCH more experienced than *your* pet band of
hoodlums, and their characters are MUCH more true to life!
CROW: But tell me, smarty pants, why they couldn't possibly sustain a
seven reel film!? Could it be because [in a mocking tone of voice]
they're too WEAK to stay in the ring?
SERVO: Oh, and *your* little pet friends could?! What about those dreary
little numbers they made with MGM!?
CROW: You *know* it's because MGM toned them down!
SERVO: Ah-HA! Then how come when MGM took over Laurel and Hardy nothing
changed!?
CROW: The Marx Brothers would win in a fight to the death, pure and
simple.
JOEL: [interjecting, to camera] It's the Big Debate: "Who would win in
a fight to the death, Laurel and Hardy or the Marx Brothers."
SERVO: You wish! Hardy could take Harpo *and* Chico! Groucho would just
run away!
CROW: Not if he was in a Paramount picture, he wouldn't!
SERVO: But he isn't!
CROW: [childishly] Yes he is!
SERVO: [childishly] No he's not!
CROW: Is too!
SERVO: Is not!
CROW: IS TOO!
SERVO: [enjoying it] Is not!
CROW: [crying] Joel, Joel! Make Servo stop!
JOEL: How about if you two compromise? Let the Marx Brothers be in their
Paramount years, [CROW looks at SERVO triumphantly] but in return we'll
put Laurel and Hardy in their vintage Hal Roach years.
CROW: WHAT!?
[SERVO snickers]
CROW: Oh well, it doesn't matter! Harpo could still take Laurel on!
SERVO: Yes, but Hardy could dismember Chico *and* Groucho!
CROW: What about Zeppo? Huh?
SERVO: Hey, no fair! He doesn't count!
CROW: Ha-ha, sucker... it's a Paramount film, after all!
SERVO: [crying] Joel, make it fair! Crow has four and all I have are
two!
JOEL: Well... how about if we add Curly Howard to your team?
CROW: [at the same time as SERVO] No FAIR!
SERVO: [at the same time as CROW] All right!
JOEL: [as yellow light flashes] We'll be right back. [hits the light]
[commercials]
[ SOL. CROW and SERVO are offscreen. JOEL is behind the desk, reading "Harpo Speaks."
In the background one can hear both "Horse Feathers" and "Pardon Us." As JOEL reads quietly,
the BOTS begin to argue again. ]
CROW: Now, just *look* at that editing... or lack of same. The Marx Brothers would be running
circles around those pansies!
SERVO: Ah-HA! But look at all those jumpcuts! Either the Marx Brothers were edited by a blind
first-grader, or some "fan" decided to cut this scene up!
CROW: Shut up! At least it means that people actually *wanted* to watch this movie. Even in an
era of the Hays Code!
SERVO: Oh, bite me.
[Silence, save for the movies.]
CROW: Actually... that Laurel is pretty funny.
[Red light begins flashing. JOEL, not looking up from his book, smacks the button.]
[Deep 13. DR. F is center screen.]
DR. F: Well, hello, Joel T. Humphinbouchin. I hope you have an Invention for us?
[SOL. CROW and SERVO have both stopped watching their movies, and are behind the desk with
JOEL. JOEL is holding a contraption, which appears to be a Game Gear, connected to a wire,
which is plugged into John Grisham's "The Pelican Brief."]
JOEL: Of course we do. Our invention for this week is, well, an amusment piece. See, I was
partaking in a reading of John Grisham's "The Pelican Brief," and I suddenly realized
that, well, this is crap. And I thought that many Americans felt the same way about him
and many of his peers. So I, with the help of my friends, designed this
"AuthorReplacementer 5000." See, [he picks up the Game Gear] this gadget can tell the
author by his or her writing style-
CROW: Or lack of same!
JOEL: And instantly project what the author would face if they were in ancient Greece.
CROW: Back when they still respected Art!
JOEL: So, I plugged in a copy of "The Pelican Brief," now let's see... [pushes several buttons
on the Game Gear. He watches the screen and begins laughing] See, it seems they've
sacrificed him to Apollo!
CROW: Oooh, ooh ooh, my turn! I'm going to go with a copy of Tom Clancy's latest rightwing
Red Scare book, "Politika." Joel, if you will? [JOEL plugs in "Politika" where "The
Pelican Brief" used to be, and hits some buttons. CROW watches and laughs at the
result.] Oooh, seems like our friend Mister Clancy has been struck down by Zeus, as a
punishment for going against the will of the gods! It's a riot!
SERVO: [to CROW] Yes, I know. [to camera] I decided to try a different route, and selected
Dalton Trumbo's excellent classic, "Johnny Got His Gun." Joel? [JOEL loads the book and
pushes the buttons. SERVO looks and nods] Yes, just as I thought. They made Mister
Trumbo an honorary scribe, Athena's left hand man! See? It works!
JOEL: So what do you think, sirs?
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Mmmm... interesting... but, not half as fascinating as ours... Frank, if you will?
[FRANK comes in from offscreen. He is carrying what appears to be a camcorder and VCR in one.]
FRANK: I designed this latest invention... see, I was wondering, what if Freddy and Jason were
to appear together in a movie that *wasn't* controlled by Hollywoods' big budget
titans.
DR. F: In other words, if they were to actually appear together in a RELEASED movie.
FRANK: Exactly. So I invented the CrossProjector. See, just grab a copy of the classic "Friday
the 13th Part 8, Jason Takes Manhatten" [he puts that tape in the VCR] and the timeless
"Nightmare on Elm Street, Part Three: The Dream Warriors." [puts that tape in the
camcorder] And look! [he looks into the viewfinder] [a pause] See? They killed each
other within four minutes! And Heather Langenkamp is nothing more than a
quivering, twitching, poorly-acted bloody mess! Wonderful!
DR. F: Yes, charming. [to JOEL] Well, time for Deep Hurting.
[SOL]
JOEL: Another Gamera movie?
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Worse than that.
[SOL]
JOEL: Manos II?
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Worse...
[SOL]
JOEL: You couldn't mean...?
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: A Ratliff Marrissa fic? But of course, my dear. I wish you, and your sanity, the best of
luck. [to FRANK] Push the button, Franky.
[SOL, lights flashing]
CROW: [to camera] Say, could we see that CrossProwhozat for this Ratliff thing?
JOEL: It only works on horror movies! WE HAVE FANFIC SIGN!
[6...5...4...3...2...1... THEATER]