MiSTed - The Vanished (XF/Twin Peaks) 3/8
Bill Livingston
CROW: I didn't know Jim Varney was twins
MIKE: Will you just...
>
>[Twin Peaks Sheriff's Station. 9:00 AM]
MIKE: [western] Ah'm hyar t'see thuh Shurf!
> Scully tried to ignore the wide-eyed stare the perky blond in
>the station booth was giving her.
SERVO: [as Scully] If she keeps it up, I'm gonna have to slap her goofy!
MIKE: I think she's too late
> "Lucy!"
SERVO: Linus!
CROW: Peppermint Patty!
MIKE: Schroeder!
CROW: Good Grief!
> Sheriff Truman said pointedly, snapping the
>woman out of her reverie, "don't you have something else to do?"
CROW: Yeah, but this is way fun!
> "Yes," her squeaky voice lisping like a child's,
MIKE: It's Kathy! Kathy Ireland is in Twin Peaks!
CROW & SERVO: Mike! Mike! MIKE!!!
MIKE: Huh?!? Oh - sorry.
> "I guess I
>do." Lucy scooted out of the booth, files in her hands,
CROW: And bells on her toes
> and Scully
>smiled gratefully at Truman.
> "Sorry about Lucy, Agent Scully. She's a bit...loopy, if you
>know what I mean."
SERVO: Well, she fits right in, then!
> "Right," Scully replied, edging closer to Mulder. Mulder
>was speaking to Cooper and he was not sounding pleased.
> "Cooper, I can't believe you went over my head on this.
MIKE: You will believe an FBI agent can fly
>You have no jurisdiction..."
> "What is it, Mulder?" Scully interrupted, alarmed. Mulder
>whipped around to face her, his jaw muscles rippling in anger,
CROW: His *jaw muscles* are rippling?!? What, he has articulated
dental work?
>"Cooper filed his own report this morning."
> "Cooper, you haven't even been reinstated as an agent.
>How could you...?"
> "Agent Scully, I had a disturbing premonition last night that
>compelled me to take action.
SERVO: [as Cooper] A little man from another place appeared, and told
me to "AYC"!
MIKE: Huh?
SERVO: Say it backwards
> I'm sorry, Mulder, but I'm hoping that
>my re-surfacing will stir some of the higher brass out of their
>complacency."
CROW: What does his driveway have to with anything?
> For the first time, Scully could see that Mulder was
MIKE: An alien
SERVO: Too obvious
>unsatisfied with one of Cooper's explanations, and wondered just
>how much professional competition went along with the admiration
>these two shared.
CROW: [as Mulder] So after "The Flintstones", you went and did
"Showgirls"? Geez, who's your agent, Dr. Kevorkian?
SERVO: [as Cooper] That's pretty big talk from Mr."Kalifornia", pal!
CROW: Yeah, at least my show's still on the air.
SERVO: Bite me!
> "We'll see what you stir up, Coop," he said darkly.
CROW: Stirrups? Say, Cooper must be an equestrian!
SERVO: Or an Ob/Gyn
>
>[9:12 AM]
> The group sat once again in conference room two, Scully
>wondering what exactly they were waiting for.
ALL: DONUTS!
> Mulder still wore
CROW: The duck suit
>an unhappy look on his face and Scully wished she could figure out
>what he was thinking.
SERVO: Teams of crack psychiatrists are called in, but to no avail!
> The door opened and in walked Deputy Hawk, a small
>device in his hand and wires trailing from it.
CROW: It's the Infinite Improbability Drive!
SERVO: That Hawk is one hoopy frood!
> He placed it in the
>center of the table and Scully saw it was a small speaker.
MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, Toastmasters presents Billy Barty!
>It crackled static for a moment, and then a voice shot out, the
>person obviously yelling into his end of the line.
SERVO: [as Ross Perot] NOW LISTEN, HERE'S THE DEAL, SEE...
> "COOPER, ARE YOU THERE?"
> "YES Gordon. We're all here."
> "ALL? WHO'S ALL?"
CROW: Oh, he's southern
> "Sheriff Truman, Albert, and Special Agents Dana Scully
>and Fox Mulder."
> "WHAT'S THAT, COOP? A FOX'S MOTHER?"
SERVO: *D'Oh!*
> "Fox Mulder, Gordon!"
> "FOX! LONG TIME NO SEE."
> Mulder's unhappy expression was now positively sullen,
>"Hello, Cole."
SERVO: Whaddaya know?
CROW [Cole] JUST GOT BACK FROM THE PICTURE SHOW!
> "GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT TO OUR LITTLE
>SOIREE. THAT'S FRENCH, YOU KNOW.
CROW: He's southern, but calling from Quebec.
> NOW, ENOUGH
>WITH THE CHIT-CHAT. COOP, YOUR RETURN IS
>CERTAINLY A BLESSED EVENT."
MIKE: But the Vatican still hasn't sanctioned it as a miracle
> "Thanks, Gordon. I'm glad to be back."
> "YOUR REPORT SAID YOU SHUT THE DOOR ON
>THAT LODGE PLACE. THE BOYS UPSTAIRS WANT YOU
>TO MAKE SURE THAT IT STAYS THAT WAY. HASTA LA
>VISTA. CIAO. GONE. FINITO. CAN YOU DO IT, COOP?"
CROW: Y'know, I haven't met this guy yet, but he's already irritating me.
> "Gordon, I don't..."
> "GOOD MAN, COOPER. I'LL BE DOWN THERE IN
>TWO SHAKES. THEN WE CAN PUT OUR HEADS
>TOGETHER, SO TO SPEAK."
CROW: You be Rosey Grier, I'll be Ray Milland.
> "See you, Gordon." The static from the speaker stopped,
>indicating that Gordon Cole had finished. Everyone remained silent
>until Truman spoke up, shaking his head.
SERVO: That's not Truman, that's Reagan.
MIKE: Or Katherine Hepburn
> "I dunno, Coop..."
> "Harry, there is no task that is insurmountable. I'm living
>proof of that.
MIKE: One day an expedition will reach the top of Dale Cooper.
> And Gordon's right; no one should be allowed to
>find the key to the lodges.
CROW: Especially Norman Bates
> The power that lies therein is too
>dangerous." Cooper noticed Mulder pursing his lips and remarked,
>"Something you'd like to say, Agent Mulder?"
CROW: He's gonna say he thinks it's a conspiracy
MIKE: He thinks *everything's* a conspiracy
CROW: Everything is
> Mulder looked at everyone's faces and replied, "You got
>Gordon Cole involved in this?"
> "I trust Gordon implicitly."
SERVO: He's Cole Chillin'
> "Yeah, well I don't."
> Cooper was clearly taken aback by this statement. "What's
>eating you, Mulder?"
CROW: Piranha! GET 'EM OFF ME!! GET 'EM OFF!!! YAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
> Mulder put a hand to his lips and replied, quietly, "I can't
>believe you are considering destroying the entrances to the lodges.
SERVO: [as Cooper] Mulder, get your hand out from in front of your lips, we
can't hear you
MIKE & CROW: mumblemumblemuttermumblemuttermuttermumble
>For one thing, you don't even know if that's possible. For another,
>you don't even know what these places are, what they represent.
>There are so many possibilities..."
CROW: They could be Ramadas, or Sheratons, or even Days Inns
MIKE: That's a scary thought: Bob popping out of your suitcase
> "Look mister Creepy, Freaky, whatever they call you,"
>Albert interrupted, "you may be Howard Cosell of the Wide World
>of the Paranormal, but I believe Cooper has seniority here."
SERVO: Yeah, he's *much* creepier and freakier than you are!
MIKE: Maybe that makes Cooper the Keith Jackson of the Paranormal.
CROW: [as Keith Jackson] Ho, I tell ya, we got some really great ghosts
here, from Washington, from Texas, and the big haunter from
Aaaalabama, this is gonna be, Whooooa Nellie!
> "He's right, Mulder," Dana added, weathering the glare he
>shot in her direction, "Cooper has more experience with this
>phenomena
ALL: Doot doo-oot doo doo doot
> than you do."
> "All right," Mulder replied, closing his hands into fists,
>"we'll try it your way. I just don't believe that it will be so easy or
>so prudent
MIKE: [as Bush] At this juncture
> to try and shut the door on what is possibly another
>dimension, or even a gateway, to realms of our unconscious or
>beyond."
SERVO: [as Rod Serling] A land of both shadows and substance,
of things and ideas...
> "Agent Mulder," Truman said carefully, in that tone Scully
>recognized people used to try and placate Mulder at his most
>adamant,
SERVO: That's nice, heh heh heh, NURSE!!!
> "don't you think it's best that we don't allow anyone, and I
>mean anyone, access to this kind of power?"
CROW: You're too late, Eisner's already got it
> "I'll speak to Gordo when he arrives," Mulder replied tightly.
SERVO: Didn't we already see "Gamera vs. Gordo"?
>
> "Mulder," Scully whispered as she pulled him towards their
>car, "what is wrong with you?
MIKE: And that, friends, is the $64 question
> Why are you so against Coles'
>plans?"
> Mulder piled into the driver's seat of the four-by-four and
>answered only after they had left the parking lot, "Just a hunch,
>Scully.
SERVO: [as Scully] Have you tried surgery?
> These places...they've been part of the woods around here
>for hundreds of years, talked about in local legends, historical
>accounts.
MIKE: The Jerry Springer Show
> I think an effort to understand them is what we should be
>doing, not trying to destroy them."
CROW: So, then, Mulder's *against* trying to seal up the dark evil place?
SERVO: Yeah, pretty much
> "But aren't you worried about the power these places seem
>to possess? Look at Windom Earle
MIKE: I always knew that "New Age" music was evil, somehow!
> and what he tried to do...it's
>only natural to fear that kind of place."
> "Oh, I am the first to admit my fear, Dana. But you know
>what scares me more?
CROW: Going back to being "Denise"?
MIKE: The thought of "Kalifornia II: The Quickening"?
SERVO: A Chris Carter story session?
> The idea that we will be trying to mess with
>forces that we still don't fully understand. Cooper wanted to stir
>things up, well...who knows what will happen."
CROW: Well, Jeane Dixon says in "The Star" that Roseanne will divorce
and remarry...
> Scully frowned and wrapped her coat more tightly around
CROW: Mulder's neck
>her shoulders as they sped along the tree-lined road. She felt her
>confidence in Cooper waning;
SERVO: [as Scully] *Showgirls*? What was he thinking, anyway?
> she wanted to trust him, but
>Mulder's words had definitely made her uneasy. Perhaps this was a
>Pandora's box that they simply should not be toying with.
CROW: Oh, it's a toybox, heh heh, ya' see, 'cuz it's - a box - and -
>
>[Great Northern Hotel, 11:40 AM]
MIKE: Well, it's not really a *great* northern hotel, but it's a *good*
northern hotel
> As Scully and Mulder entered the lounge to the Great
>Northern, they were approached by Constance Horne,
TOM: [singing] Take me back to ConstanceHorneOple
CROW: [singing] No you can't go back to ConstanceHorneOple
MIKE: [singing] Now it's Istanbul, not ConstanceHorneOple
TOM: Why did ConstanceHorneOple get the works?
ALL: [still singing] That's nobody's business but the Turks!
> who was
>dressed very stylishly in a soft brown angora sweater and long, slim
>black skirt.
CROW: She must have been to see "Ed Wood"
MIKE: She might *be* Ed Wood!
> "Agent Mulder, Agent Scully. I'm glad I caught you.
MIKE: [Prodigy ad] Ordinary men just hate it when that happens
> We're
>putting on a bit of a welcome back party for Agent Cooper here
>tonight, and I wanted to make sure you would come."
> "Whose idea was this?" Mulder asked, surprised.
CROW: The writer's. Any more questions?
> "Sheriff Truman's and his wife's. But they are having me
>arrange it." Constance smiled winningly,
CROW: [as Ed McMahon] Ho-ho-ho, here's your check, Ms Horne.
And now, the finalists in the spokesmodel competition!
> "It will be a formal
>gathering, downstairs, around eight?"
> "We'll be there," Scully replied, unable to think of a way to
>refuse politely. Constance flashed
ALL: Sa-a-a-a-ay....
> another smile,
ALL: Aa-a-a-awwww...
> "Great. I'll
>see you there."
> After she had moved off down the hall, Scully leaned over
>to Mulder,
SERVO: [as Scully] Put your tongue back in your head, G-man!
> "'Formal gathering'? Did you remember to pack your
>tux, Agent Mulder?"
CROW: Yeah, but aliens stole my luggage.
> "As a matter of fact..." Scully glared at him and he grinned
>good-naturedly. "It sounds like the natives are just itching
MIKE: Fortunately, Benadryl can soothe itching.
> for a
>chance to party. It shouldn't be a problem for me to pick up some
>duds. How about you, Scully?"
SERVO: [as Scully] You're going, right? So I've got my dud
> "I thought I'd just go the way I am."
> "Come on, Scully, live a little."
MIKE: Be a gypsy, get around.
> "Mulder..." she began, warningly, her reluctance quickly
>melting into a sigh. "Maybe."
CROW: Maybe not! What's it to ya?!?
>
>[6:00 PM]
> "Diane, it's six PM.
SERVO: [announcer] and time for the news
> After lunch Mulder and Scully returned
>to the station, where we spent the rest of the day going over maps
>of Twin Peaks and the surrounding countryside, plotting points that
>are suspected "hot spots" of activity.
MIKE: Then we ate donuts and pie and drank coffee till we puked!
> Per Mulder's suggestion,
CROW: We're all wearing our tinfoil hats
>we've targeted Glastonbury Grove as the first site to be destroyed,
>in hopes that it would perhaps create a sort of chain reaction that
>would shut down all the minor disturbances once the main outlet
>has collapsed.
SERVO: Uh, guys, don't you think setting off chain reactions of evil
psychic energy might be a *bit* stoopid?
MIKE: Consider the source!
> Study of the cave map was also renewed in hopes that not
>only does it provide the answer of how to enter the lodge, but also
>how to close it.
CROW: And also how to get to Denny's
MIKE: Mulder loves those Grand Slam Breakfasts
> I've insisted we have detailed astrological charts,
>but the materials needed won't be arriving until tomorrow morning,
>so the group has called it a day.
MIKE: We were going to arrest the godfather, but we couldn't, 'cuz
Venus and Pluto were aligned against us, and the moon was in
Saturn's 4th house
CROW: Well, that shouldn't be a problem; Scully used to sell Saturns
SERVO: Yeah, she loved showing guys the vanity mirror
> Right now I am on my way to the
>airstrip to meet Gordon Cole; then I must get ready for this party
>Harry and Annie are throwing in my honor. While touched by the
>whole gesture, I still am feeling a bit...
MIKE: Nauseous?
SERVO: Flabbergasted?
CROW: Light in the Loafers?
> hesitant, about seeing Annie
>again. As with Audrey, I find the memories...too close."
SERVO: [sobbing] I Can't talk about it - just go 'way!
>
>[Sheriff's station, 6:10 PM]
> "Mulder, none of this is making much sense to me."
CROW: *Finally* someone admits it!
> "I never said it was making sense to me, either," Mulder
>mumbled dejectedly.
[Crow falls over]
MIKE: Crow? Crow!?
SERVO: The shock got him
CROW: [sitting back up] Mommy? Is that you?
> "Do you really think that cutting down trees on the night
>when Jupiter and Saturn are in conjunction will stop this...this...
SERVO: Thing called love?
>madness?" Scully was beginning to be frightened by Mulder's
>downcast attitude. "Mulder, tell me the truth."
MIKE: [as Jack Nicholson] *You can't handle the truth!*
SERVO: That's 'cause "The Truth is Out There" (tm)
> "Scully..." Mulder began, taking her arm and sitting them
>down on the log railing outside the Sheriff's station.
CROW: So there he sat them: Mulder, with Scully's arm
> "I think you
>just said it yourself. This is a madness...
MIKE: Of King George III
> something that cannot
>occur without a victim. And as long as people will be on this earth,
>there will be a lust for the power that the Black Lodge represents.
SERVO: And Ator will be there to protect us!
>I'm not sure that anyone can stop it; not even Cooper."
> "And what about you," Scully said, searching his eyes, "are
>you looking to shut down the power of the lodge- or to gain it."
MIKE: [as Mulder] Woops - caught me, huh?
> Mulder looked away from Scully's suddenly fearful gaze,
>and squinted his eyes.
CROW: He's allergic to Douglas Firs
> To her surprise, he did not reply angrily,
>"Scully...this is something that I have never encountered before. A
>threshold...to another world.
SERVO: So Bob can get him tickets to the soaps?
> Maybe it has the answers I'm looking
>for."
> "Mulder," Scully said forcefully, grasping his arm, "I won't
>let you. It's...not for that. Don't you see? It's not your time..."
CROW: You're on *after* Senor Winces!
>Dana struggled with the concepts that threatened her ideals,
>threatened her logic.
SERVO: [as Scully] I *will* work after this show! I *will* work after
this show! I *will* work after this show! I *will* work...
> "Cooper said that to go into the black lodge
>and emerge, victorious, at the white, you had to face...what was
>inside. With perfect courage, or else have it consume your soul."
SERVO: [as Hellraiser] It will tear your soul apart!!
CROW: You Pinhead!
MIKE: Yow! Are we having fun yet?
> Mulder turned towards Scully, eyes glimmering with
CROW: Murine, to get the red out!
> an
>inner pain he usually kept so well hidden from even her, "Do I have
>a soul to save, Scully?" It wasn't a challenge, wasn't a question.
>His eyes hardened, determination filling his being, "I have the
>courage."
MIKE: [as Bert Lahr] Whaduz he got that I ain't got?
SERVO & CROW: *Courage!*
MIKE: You can say dat again, heh heh heh - Huh?
> "I know you do," Scully said gently. "Mulder, please. You
>are not the 'dweller on the threshold'. Don't let this idea of a 'bridge
>between two worlds' cloud your judgment...stay objective, Mulder."
CROW: She tells him to do all this stuff, and she knows he won't!
> Their voices had descended into whispers as the light of day
>faded upon the horizon of treetops.
SERVO: And so, as the sun pulls away from the shore, and our boat sinks
slowly in the west...
> Scully felt the night chill
SERVO: I am the key
CROW: I am the lock
> but
>was washed with a warm feeling of relief as Mulder's face lost it's
>look of darkness.
MIKE: Flashlight, flashlight, flash - ah, here we are
> He stood, pulling keys out of his pockets.
> "That's why I have you, Scully," he said simply, moving off
>towards their parked car, the final rays of the day just touching the
>top of his head and giving him an unearthly glow.
CROW: St. Mulder's Fire
SERVO: Starring Judd Nelson, Robe Lowe, & Ally Sheedy
MIKE: Don't ever mention those three in the same sentence!
> Scully sighed
>and followed, putting up a hand to shield her eyes from the glare.
SERVO: [as Scully] Stop lookin' at me like that!
>
>[Great Northern Hotel, 7:10 PM]
> Scully put down the file and took off her glasses to rub her
>eyes.
[Crow makes squeaking sounds]
> She had been reviewing the transcripts of Cooper's tapes,
>marking down any reference to the lodges,
SERVO: The Lodges, now with furnished 1, 2, and 3-bedroom units
available.
> Bob, and, for her own
>curiosity, Gordon Cole. She hadn't heard of the man
MIKE: But the Man is holdin' her back!
> until she and
>Mulder had gotten involved with Cooper and wondered who he
>was, exactly. Her laptop glowed at her elbow,
SERVO: She should see a doctor about that
> the cursor blinking
>as data was being transferred into it's memory.
CROW: [Data] Captain, I seem to have been transferred into another
TV show
SERVO: [Picard] Trust no one, commander
> Scully had dug up
>as much information as she could on Cole, but still found the
>information wanting.
MIKE: Wanting what?
CROW: To make sense
> There was a knock on the door and Scully checked her
>watch.
SERVO: Then the phone rang and she looked out of the window
> She was supposed to meet Mulder at 7:50 to go
>downstairs, so she didn't know who it could be.
CROW: Well, it *could* be anybody.
SERVO: Yeah, John Paul II, Sade, Senator Helms...
CROW: Greg Maddux, Tony Slattery, The Cast of "A Chorus Line"...
MIKE: Nichelle Nichols, Huey Lewis and the News, Dennis Leary...
SERVO: No, he's down interviewing with Forrester
MIKE: Oh, yeah
> Opening the door,
>she was surprised to see Constance Horne.
> "Ms. Horne. What can I do for you?"
> Constance fiddled with her hands
SERVO: Oh, she's doing her Alison Kraus impression
> and looked at Scully up
>and down. "I wanted to see if you needed anything...for tonight.
>Agent Mulder," she gestured to the room next door, "had called
>down for a tuxedo, and I thought I'd see how you were doing."
CROW: [as Constance] So you want a tuxedo, too?
> "HE didn't put you up to this, did he?" Scully asked
>suspiciously.
> "No! Oh no, Agent Scully. I just thought, well...that maybe
>you'd want to dress up tonight, and I'd figured you hadn't brought
>anything with you.
CROW: [as Constance] And you always dress so frumpy and all, that,
well, you know...
> I understand how last-minute this whole thing
>has been. And I know *I* hate being caught with nothing to wear."
MIKE: I'd like that
SERVO: You'd like being caught with nothing to wear?
MIKE: No, I'd like Sherilyn Fenn being caught with nothing to wear
CROW: Hey, *now* who's making with the innuendo?
> Scully was about to refuse when she saw the plain eagerness
>to help in Constance's eyes. "Sure," she sighed, resignedly, "What
>do you have in mind?"
> "Come with me,"
SERVO: To Zee Cas-bah
> Constance said happily, taking Scully's
>hand, "you can borrow something of mine."
> Scully barely had time to close her door as Constance pulled
>her towards the elevator at the end of the hall.
CROW: The Pulchritude Platoon hits town, in a big way!
>
> She sat on the edge of a large bed as Constance Horne
>began opening the huge closets lining one wall. While not a frilly
>bedroom, the place had a distinctly feminine feel.
SERVO: What gave it away, the troll dolls in the corner, or the wall
size poster of JTT?
> There was a
>dressing table with some beautiful silver implements, all kept with
>obvious care. Scully wondered just how old Ms. Horne actually
>was; she wondered how she had let herself get dragged into this.
CROW: She wondered if she'd ever see the real world again
MIKE: The one in LA, or the one in London?
> "I think I have some stuff that would just fit you,"
>Constance said, flinging open some more double doors. "Choose
>anything."
SERVO: But choose wisely.
> "Ms. Horne," Scully began.
> "Constance, please, Agent Scully."
> "Dana," Dana smiled thinly, "I thank you for your
>generosity, but I don't understand why you're doing all this. You
>hardly know me."
MIKE: But she has plans for you. Big plans!
> Constance turned up her nose slightly, as if wondering if she
>should reply truthfully.
SERVO: [as Constance] Let's see, should I lie to the government agent
who can put me in jail for years and years, or not
> She began twisting a corner of her brown
>sweater with her fingers, "Agent Scully, I- I don't get to associate
>with very many people my age in this business. I've always had to
>be 'more mature'."
MIKE: She wants her very own life-size Barbie doll, and Scully's
elected
CROW: Mike, this is makin' me feel all over funny!
> She laughed, a bit embarrassed. "This is a small
>town...and you looked like you'd understand. And you'd have great
>stories to tell, being an FBI agent!"
SERVO: Ah, the ancient FBI oral tradition
> She looked up into Scully's
>eyes, and Scully was struck at how old and young she looked at the
>same time.
CROW: And how tall and short she was
MIKE: And how thin and fat she seemed
SERVO: And how Democratic and Republican she voted
> Constance smiled girlishly and shrugged, "And it
>looked like we had the same dress size."
CROW: And the same bra size
MIKE: Innuendo, thy name is Crow!
> Scully sighed and thought of herself as a young girl, looking
>for friendship on the various military bases her family happened to
>be situated at. It always seemed she never could find anyone her
>own age.
SERVO: Well, most military people are a bit older
> She got off the bed and moved towards a dress, fingering
>the lush fabric. "Let's see if I do," she smiled.
SERVO: Only her hairdresser knows for sure
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