MiSTed: PLEASE READ THIS
TICK
by the Tick
The tale of one young man's love for a talk show host...and the forces
that would keep them apart.
(1...2...3...4...5...6...7)
CROW & TOM are chuckling wildly while typing into a computer.
TOM: We'll teach that goon some historical revisionism.
CROW: Watch me, Servo, watch me dance!
MIKE: What's up, guys?
TOM: Well, we're still a little peeved at Gannon for his last
post. So we decided to teach him a little lesson in the
Nazi Menace.
CROW: Yeah--right now, his computer's downloading "Shoah!" All six
hours!
MIKE: You guys are zany.
TOM: Which results in creativity.
CROW: Hey, Bud and Lou are calling.
(Deep 13)
Dr. F: Shoah, eh? Hmmm...perhaps I can finally find a use for these
Indiana Jones tapes we have lying around. Anyway, let's do
the invention exchange.
FRANK: Well, today we've got these new Air Foulers! How many times have
your parents come to visit your dorm room, and you've said to
yourself "it doesn't stink in here! They'll have nothing to
complain about!"
Dr. F: Enter the Air Fouler. (Dr. F holds up a dead woodchuck on a
string.) Frank and I have worked out a little skit. I will be
playing the student, while Frank will play the part of "Dad."
FRANK: Hello, son!
Dr. F: Hi, Dad! How do you like the dorm room?
FRANK: Smells like a dead woodchuck in here! Don't you ever clean
this place?
Dr. F: So as you can see, the Air Fouler works--
FRANK: Look at all these dirty socks all over the floor! Haven't you
ever vacuumed in here?
Dr. F: That's enough, Frank. Now then--
FRANK: And what's this in your dresser? It's drugs, isn't it? You
little _bastard!_ I pay good money to send you to this school
and I'm not gonna watch you smoke it all away!
Dr. F: Go ahead, Mike.
FRANK: And another thing--
(SOL)
MIKE: Whoa...bad memories. Anyway, sirs, our invention exchange is also
based on college life. Now, you know how hard it is to get up
in time for breakfast when you're a hard-working student, right?
CROW: But where do you get the nutrition you so desperately need?
TOM: Enter the Brunch-O-Tronic 2000. What you do is, place a bowl of
cereal on one side, a sandwich on the other, shut the device,
wait five seconds and...voila!
MIKE: It's turkey, mayo and Lucky Charms! Whaddaya think, sirs?
CROW: Dare you to try it.
MIKE: Hell, no!
(Deep 13)
FRANK is staggering around with the dead woodchuck rammed down his
throat.
Dr. F: Very amusing, Mike. Now get ready for this week's prize at the bottom
of the box. It's a little slice of obsession from alt.fan.letterman
called "PLEASE READ THIS." Do do that voodoo that you do so well,
Frank!
(SOL)
ALL: AHHHHH! WE GOT POSTING SIGN!
(7...6...5...4...3...2...1)
>Newsgroups: alt.fan.letterman
MIKE: Weren't they a group from the fifties?
CROW: No, no, Letter _Man_, from Marvel Comics.
>Path: jake.esu.edu!netnews.upenn.edu!news.amherst.edu!news.mtholyoke.edu!uhog.mit.edu!news.kei.com!eff!news.umbc.edu!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!howland.reston.ans.net!spool.mu.edu!umn.edu!news-mail-gateway
>From: roep...@delphi.COM (Ronald Epstein)
>Subject: PLEASE READ THIS
TOM: Please. OH GOD PLEASE! I DON'T ASK MUCH!
>Message-ID: <9410190156591....@delphi.coQ>
>Sender: dae...@news0.tc.umn.edu
>Organization: Delphi Internet Services Corporation
CROW: What a bunch of DISC-heads.
>Date: Wed, 19 Oct 1994 05:58:26 GMT
>Lines: 108
>
> This is my first time on this forum.
MIKE: I never thought anything like this would happen to me, but when
I ended up in the limo with the sorority girls--
TOM: Wrong forum.
>I am estatic that such an area
>exists, as I have been a major fan of DAVID LETTERMAN since his morning show
>at NBC, in 1980.
CROW: Happy happy joy joy, happy happy joy joy...
> I hope to participate here often. I also hope that SOMEONE on the
>LETTERMAN staff gets the opportunity to read this note. I have a
>Letterman experience that I would like to talk about, and hopefully, get
>some feedback on.
TOM: You see, David Letterman is the father of my baby.
MIKE & CROW: GASP!
> First of all, I go way back with David Letterman.
MIKE: He _owes_ me! That no-talent hack'd be nothin' without me!
He owes the family!
>In High School,
>I used to cut class to take a bus into NYC (I live in Jersey) and see
>David Letterman's MORNING SHOW LIVE, on a monthly basis.
CROW: That's why I'm 31 years old and still a sophomore.
>It got to the
>point where Dave got to recognize my friend and I in the audiance every
>month. He would come on out and personally greet us, if he saw us during
>the taping.
MIKE: Look, I told you never to meet me here!
>
> As the years went on, and ticket demand increased, we saw LATE NITE
>about two or three times a year. However, as the years went on, Dave
>became less and less personable with his audiance.
TOM: He grew distant. He stopped sending flowers.
>After every show I
>attended, I always asked to say HELLO to Dave, and the NBC page would give
>me some lame excuse as to why he couldn't personally see me.
CROW: Oh, sure, his mother's in the hospital. Big smegging deal!
>I sort of
>understood, as I realized he often had problems with fanatic fans.
MIKE: Like me.
> Upon Dave's move to CBS, I was fortunate enough to get tickets
>to his THIRD SHOW. This time I came a little more prepared....
CROW: My guns were at the ready. Valhalla awaits!
> I wrote David a 2-page letter. I explained that I had been a fan
>since his morning show. I told him I even could remember the theme song.
>I went on to say that he regularly greeted my friend and I whenever he saw
>us in his morning show audiance.
TOM: I wrote it very legibly. In pink crayon and blood.
> I went on to write that I would like the opportunity to meet him
>after the show to have a picture taken with him. I explained that as a
>great fan, it would mean the world to me.
MIKE: And if he did, maybe I'd return his family unharmed.
> End of letter.
CROW: Cool! That wasn't too bad. Let's get outta here, huh?
TOM: Not even close, Crow.
> That evening, as I stood in line, I had the letter sent to LORI
>DIAMOND, his personal assistant. The security guys assured me that she
>received the note.
TOM: Then I learned all about being "bounced."
> An hour later, still standing in line, a CBS PAGE called my name.
>I went over to her. She told me that "DAVE HAD READ YOUR NOTE, AND WILL
>MEET YOU BACKSTAGE AFTER THE SHOW". She told me that I was to wait at
>the stage door entrance.
MIKE: I was to wear a pink carnation. The code word was "Booby."
>
> I was estatic! I cannot tell you how excited (and nervous) I was
>about having my picture taken with someone I really admired.
CROW: Just think, me, Stuart Pupkin, finally getting my picture taken
with you!
> Well, after the show, I stood at the stage door. Next thing I
>know, my name was called out. It was the CBS page girl. She handed me
>a note and exclaimed, "THIS IS FROM DAVE".
TOM: It says "TAKE A HIKE!"
> I opened up the envelope, only to find a letter that said that
>Dave was unable to meet me. I can't exactly remember the reason, but it
>said something to the effect that Dave doesn't do well with the public,
>and please don't put the blame on his assistant, Lori.
MIKE: Also, there was a full moon that night, so Dave had to stay
chained up in the basement.
> It was obviouse that Dave didn't write the note. It was typed,
>and it put a lot of emphasis on not blaming his assistant, Lori.
CROW: (in hypnotic voice) Nooo...not Lori's fault...Dave's fault...
You hate Dave...you love Lori...Dave bad, Lori good...
> I was truly heartbroken. I was embarrased, too. I was with
>a few friends, and I had been raving all night that I was gonna meet Dave.
TOM: I had lost face. Only death awaited me now.
>
> What really upset me, was the fact that his staff went out of their
>way to CONFIRM he read the note -- to tell me DAVE WILL SEE YOU AFTER THE
>SHOW -- and to WAIT BY THE STAGE DOOR. Then, they get my hopes up, only
>to bring me down in the end.
MIKE: (sobbing) Oh, Dave...
CROW: (in Dick Van Dyke voice) Aw, don't cry like that, honey.
MIKE: This is the only way I know how to cry!
> I am not a lunatic fan. I am not out to stalk David Letterman.
TOM: Ritual murder? Sure! Stalking? No way!
>I am a very well-mannered, well presented person.
CROW: Right down to my Richard Nixon mask.
>I can tell you that I
>didn't look at all threatening to the staff.
MIKE: I don't think the staff was worried.
>What I am, is someone who
>has followed DAVID LETTERMAN religiousely throughout his career. I am
>someone that wanted the opportunity to shake his hand, thank him for
>making me laugh all these years, and have a picture snapped that I can
>cherish for the rest of my life.
TOM: And maybe shoot him. You know, for old time's sake.
>
> Instead, the Letterman staff at CBS led me on to believe that
>my "fantasy" would be fulfilled. Why did they tell me that DAVE would
>meet me, only to later tell me that Dave is unable to, as he is not good
>with the public at large?
CROW: If you want your Dave fantasy fulfilled call 1-976-DAVE. Dave
is standing by to take your call and he's got the jalapeno
sauce ready...
> I realize the problems Dave has had with his fans. I realize
>that CBS is being very cautiouse. But for Pete's sake, I announced myself
>in a very formal manner, and it seemed that there was a planned schedule
>involved in meeting him.
MIKE: I brought him a corsage! I rented a limo and he stood me up!
> I cannot express how upsetting my evening was. His staff really
>managed to ruin a perfect evening.
TOM: Dammit, can't we have a nice Christmas for once?
>I am not angry, but I am disappointed.
CROW: And bitter. And resentful. And full of hate.
>After the years of support I gave to David Letterman, I was counting on him
>saying "Hello" to an old fan.
MIKE: I gave him the best years of my life, and he just tosses me aside!
> I hope someone on Letterman's staff reads the notes in
>this group. I am very curious as to what went down that night, and why
>I had been treated the way I was.
TOM: You know, there's only one cop who could unscramble this
caper...
ALL: MITCHELL!
>
> I look forward to being a regular reader and participant
>in this group. Thank You, everyone, for taking the time to read this.
MIKE: No. Thank _you_. For making us feel love again.
>
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
> <> RONALD EPSTEIN <>
> <> via INTERNET <>
> <> roep...@delphi.com <>
> <> THE HOME THEATER FORUM <>
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
CROW: It's Epstein! Hey, I coulda gotten out of this post! I've got a
note!
MIKE: "Dear Mads...please excuse Crow from today's experiment. Signed,
Crow's Mom."
TOM: Crow, you don't have a mother.
CROW: I won't tell if you won't!
TOM: Aw, crimminy, let's get outta here.
(1...2...3...4...5...6...7)
(SOL)
CROW is sitting behind a desk, wearing a suit.
CROW: I hold here in my hand-like appendage tonight's top ten list.
MIKE: WHOOOOOOOO!
CROW: Tonight's topic, from the home office in Sioux City, Iowa, Top
Ten Ways for Ronald Epstein to Get Over It.
TOM: (at the wall of keyboards, wearing a goofy shirt) So this would be
ten ways for Ronald Epstein to get over not meeting you.
CROW: Very good, Tom. Heeeeeeeeeere we go. (drumroll begins)
10. Go hang out with Conan O'Brien.
9. Tell all to Howard Stern.
8. Roll yourself in cheese and scream "I'm a Hamdinger!"
7. Become a caretaker at the Valley Lodge.
6. Just dance your troubles away.
5. Watch all the "Gamera" movies in a row.
4. Get a job making fun of bad movies for a handful of crazed fans.
3. Become pen pals with Jon Stewart.
2. Kidnap Calvert DeForest and take his job.
And the number one way for Ronald Epstein to get over it...
1. GET YOUR OWN DAMN TALK SHOW!
MIKE: Whaddaya think, sirs?
CROW: We'll be back with Teri Garr, right after this.
(Deep 13)
Dr. F: I didn't really get it--I haven't watched late night TV since
Arsenio went off the air. Until next time, Mike...
FRANK: Wait a second--I've always wanted to do this.
FRANK hurls a pencil at the camera. There is a sound of shattering glass
and the picture goes out.
Dr. F: That's coming out of your salary, Frank!
*************************************************************************
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