[ MiSTed ] Sonic the Hedgehog: Jaded Views ( 3 / 4 )

[Joseph Nebus]

[ SOL DESK. A movie screen is rigged up to stage left of the doors.
JOEL stands to stage right, holding a kazoo. ]

JOEL: Hit it, Cambot!

[ JOEL begins playing Star Wars-like theme. ]

[ On the projector, black piece of cardboard slide into view. Written
on it is: "A long time ago in a Mobius far, far away..."

Cardboard is slid out; new piece is slid in. On it is written
"JADED VIEWS"

Cardboard is slid out; new piece is scrolled up slowly.
It reads:

EPISODE I
THE PREQUEL MENACE

It is a time of great turmoil. The evil ROBOTNIK is
in control of MOBIUS, unless he is not. But HOPE is
not lost, as from their secret HIDDEN PALACE the
valiant FREEDOM FIGHTERS are fighting VALIANTLY
for FREEDOM.

In MUCH and DESERVEDLY overlooked MITROFAN IVANOVICH
NEDELIN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL three young and perky
badger FRIENDS, TRACKER the clean-minded one, JADE
(a lass of fifteen winters plus a summer in FLORIDA)
and MAXL, the FUN-loving one, draw UNKNOWINGLY near
a horrible FATE that will someday leave the future
of MOBIUS hanging in the BALANCE.

UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED, ESPECIALLY to
COMPUTER BULLETIN BOARDS.

JOEL quickly stops kazooing, and takes down the screen. CROW and
TOM (who has a notebook stuck on his arm) enter. ]

TOM: I give up, Maxl. What did you find in your gym locker today?
CROW: [ With as ridiculous a Brooklyn accent as can be managed. ]
I found me this weird little ring. Wasn't there yesterday,
I don't know who left it.
TOM: Boy, how weird can you get?
GYPSY: [ Walking in ] Hey, guys, what's up?
CROW: Hey, Jade, I was just showin' Tracker this weirdo ring I found.
GYPSY: It doesn't look like much. What's it do?
CROW: Beats me. Hey, wouldn't it be awesome if we all looked at this
ring at the same time and it magically fused us all into a
single body that we each wrestled for control of?
TOM: Hey, yeah, that'd be *extra* keen!
GYPSY: Maxl, that's the dumbest thing I --

[ TOM, CROW and GYPSY all start shaking and making babbling noises.
There's a PUFF of smoke and the three of them duck behind
the desk. A ring goes flying up and onto the desk. ]

JOEL: [ Coming in, pushing a broom. He spots and picks up the ring. ]
Oh, this is nice. I'll have to give this to my daughter
Kabuki, if she wasn't captured by the forces of evil today.
[ JOEL shuffles offstage, humming. ]

[ CROW slowly gets up. ]

CROW: [ With his Brooklyn voice ] Oh, man, what did we do?

CROW: [ With GYPSY's voice ] Maxl, you blundering idiot!

CROW: [ With TOM's voice ] Hey, this is cool!

CROW: [ With the Brooklyn voice ] Oh, neat, we're going to get three
times the allowance now!

CROW: [ With TOM's voice ] And with the three of us chewing, we'll be
able to blow *really big* bubble gum bubbles!

CROW: [ With GYPSY's voice ] Find that ring. I'm getting out of this
chicken outfit.

[ MOVIE SIGN flashes ]

CROW: [ With the Brooklyn voice ] We can't!

CROW: [ ALL VOICES ] WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!

[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]

[ TOM and JOEL are sitting in the theater. CROW enters. ]

CROW: Hey, who're the robots?
TOM: We are the best.
JOEL: Yup, you are.

> "Oh, great," HX muttered. "Looks like we have to go to an
> opera and stop Jade from killing these guys!"

TOM: Yeah, or else we'll lose their skills at... running into trees.

>
> "No big loss if she does," Sonic commented.

CROW: And that's my only line.

>
> "C'mon, guys," Kabuki said, "we're going to that opera."
>
> "But we don't know where it is!" Sally said.

JOEL: Check the papers and see where Susan Kane is performing.

> "Maybe the
> address is on the tickets...get them out!"

ALL: Get them out! Shove them out! Waaaay out!

>
> "Umm...I don't have 'em," Sonic said.
>
> "Me neither," said HX.

JOEL: Check your jackets!
TOM: You look under the car seat?
CROW: You mailed them with the phone bill, I'm telling you.

>
> It turned out everyone had forgotten the tickets.

TOM: Y'know, I just see Thaddeus and Stephen eating the rubber
pizza in lunch period and writing that line and snickering
all the way until seventh period when Mrs. Falvo told them
to pay attention to her readings from "The Red Pony."

>
> "Not to worry," Knuckles said.

CROW: I now come in a refreshing mint sensation.

> He looked at his watch.

JOEL: A lot of watch-checking in this story.
CROW: Must be the high crime area.

>
> "What do you mean, 'not to worry'?!" X3 screeched.

TOM: We only have all the time in the world to look for them!

> "You're
> acting just like Maxl!"
>
> "No I'm not...it's a wrist communicator, mon!" Knuckles
> explained. "Knuckles to team! Come in, team!"

JOEL: This is the Buffalo Sabres. How may we direct your call?

>
> "What's up?" came a voice through the speaker in his watch.
>
> "We need transportation," Knuckles explained.

CROW: And maybe somebody to help us move this couch.

>
> "What's your location?" came the voice.

TOM: We're wedged in, half past the sixth chapter.

>
> Sally whipped out Nicole and a connector cord, and plugged it
> into a small socket in Knuckles' watch. "I'm sending you our
> coordinates," she said.
>
> "Vector, take Mighty

CROW: [ Singing ] Here I come to save the day!

> and Charmee to the Hidden Palace,"
> Knuckles said. "Get ANT 100, and grab those opera tickets! Send
> Espio to see if he can find any badgers."

JOEL: Not to disparage the story or anything, but that's a sequence
of words I would've bet I'd never hear in my life.

>
> "Check," the voice replied. "This is Vector, out."

TOM: Roger, Vector. How is Hector?

>
> Before the signal died, they faintly heard the voice saying,

CROW: The calls are coming from inside the fanfic!

> "See, Mighty? I told you my headphones were good for something!"

>
> Chapter 7 In the Green

JOEL: And just off the plaid.

>
> Jade glanced at her watch,

TOM: Man, lunch is *never* gonna get here.

> then looked off the cliff at
> Mobius' only remaining opera house,

JOEL: Right next to its only remaining Lutheran deli.

> which, for some reason, had not
> been found by Robotnik.

CROW: Robotnik was more a fan of the Mobotropolis Pops.

> So that was where Maxl and that fool Tracker
> were.
>
> As far as she was concerned,

TOM: Kirk would always be cooler than Picard.

> the schizophrenic Maxl who had
> created her could die. It was his fault that Tracker, who would have
> made a great ally otherwise, was so stupid from banging his head
> into trees so many times.

CROW: It was his fault that nobody's made a good "Popeye" cartoon
since 1950.
JOEL: It was his fault that "Freaks and Geeks" got cancelled.

>
> Jade wondered what would happen to her if she killed Maxl,

TOM: Obviously, one of the Skeksis would die to balance
everything out.

> but
> she didn't care if she died. She had nothing to live for.

JOEL: Even her bunny books seem empty to her.

>
> "Why did you choose

TOM: [ Thick Brooklyn accent ] I choose so's I can swallow safely.

> an opera house anyway, you fool?" Jade
> grumbled to herself.

JOEL: He's got season tickets, is all.

> She checked her watch,

TOM: [ As Jade ] Hey! My watch is here, but somebody took my wrist!

> then walked away from
> the edge of the cliff,

CROW: And two hardboiled eggs!
TOM: Honk!
CROW: Make that three hardboiled eggs!

> and started on her way down the hill to the
> opera house.
>
> "Found the opera house," came a whispered voice nearby. "Found
> a green badger, too." It was quiet,

ALL: Too quiet.

> but didn't escape Jade's
> hearing.
>
> Jade turned around, but saw nothing.

TOM: Too nothing.
[ JOEL puts his hand on TOM's shoulder. ]

> Whoever she had heard had
> somehow disappeared. "I guess I'm being followed by someone who's
> pretty good at the biz," she mused.

JOEL: It's gotta be ghost pirates from space.

> "Well, let's see how they like
> this!"
>
> Jade clicked her heels together,

CROW: o/` Five, six, seven, *kick*! o/`

> and muttered "There's no
> place like home!"

TOM: And no smell like mutton!

> A hideous grin shone on her face, and she
> disappeared.
>
> "She teleported!"

JOEL: [ Fanning his arms ] No, *you* teleported!
TOM: If you reported, you teleported.
CROW: Hey, I'm standin' here, and I'm telling you, *you* teleported.

> Espio gasped into his wrist communicator.
>
> "She can't have gotten far," Kabuki's voice replied.

JOEL: Unless she took the Stargate portal to Apokalips.

>
> "Teleporting takes power," observed X3.

CROW: And for that you need a good breakfast with Cheerios.

>
> "Not to mention the fact that, the farther you teleport,

TOM: The more likely you're going to have a layover in Detroit.

> the
> more your head hurts afterwards!" Hedgehog X put in.

JOEL: So, anybody else picture Hedgehog X's voice being done
by Keanu "Bill & Ted" Reeves?

>
> "Fine," Espio's voice crackled on Knuckles' watch, "I'll check
> the perimeter."

CROW: I already checked it, you still just add the length and the width
and double it.

>
> "Good," Knuckles said. "Knuckles out."
>
> "When do you think the others'll show up?"

TOM: As soon as they notice we've got their car keys.

> inquired Sonic,
> impatiently. "Why didn't you just let me run back and get the
> tickets?"

CROW: Because you're not safe on your own ever since the SwatBots
discovered how vulnerable you are to the "Your shoelace is
untied" trick.

>
> "We're not even on the Floating Island anymore, Sonic," Sally
> reminded him.

JOEL: Neither are we in Utica. So what?

> "There's no way you could run back.

TOM: You must use your skills in sideways bunny hopping.

> As for the time
> they're taking, well, you really need to learn some..."
>
> "There it is!" X3 shouted.

CROW: Aaaaand...STOP!
TOM: Oooh! You hit a whammy!

> "ANT 100!" Sure enough, the silver
> ship was quite close on the horizon.

TOM: Wait, no, that's Cobra's evil flying aircraft carrier.

>
> ANT, the Advanced Neurological Test,

JOEL: Oh, yeah, I had to take those in eighth grade.

> had been Rotor and
> Bookshire's first test of high-level artificial intelligence.

CROW: They finally invented a computer that waits until you go
to the bathroom and then moves the chess pieces around.

> ANT
> was created to keep house, but as Rotor and Bookshire learned more
> advanced programming,

JOEL: Like how to clean off soap scum from the glasses.

> they upgraded it more.
>
> As ANT went through many changes, and even did some Freedom
> Fighting, he became dubbed by Sonic "ANT 100",

TOM: Known as X, to avoid confusion.

> and his latest
> enhancement allowed him to transform into an aircraft.

CROW: I wonder if he wages his battles to destroy the evil forces
of the Decepticons.

>
> The silver ship

JOEL: That's moderately tricky to say ten times fast.

> landed in front of the small group of Freedom
> Fighters, and a door opened.

TOM: He must've had the key of imagination.

> They walked in.
>
> "Land about a mile away from the coordinates Espio gave us,"

CROW: Then walk right back and lick us on the nose. We just want
to mess with your head.

> Sonic said. "We'll get the jump on 'em."
>

JOEL: But if the chapter ends too soon they won't be able
to head them off at the pass.

> Chapter 8 An Evening at the Improv
>

TOM: Great, we're gonna see four hours of Sonic rambling about his
girlfriend, his mom, and the cab driver he had last week.

> "Well," Maxl stated, as he got into the opera house by picking
> the lock

CROW: Pikachu! Yah-lee! I choose you!

> with one of his credit cards, "I hope Jade was fooled by ah
> fake note."

JOEL: It's a quick C flat right off the snap, laterals to Szustakowski
who looks left, looks right, stares right at the camera, shouts
"PEOPLE!" and goes running away, smashing through the stands!
No down!

>
> "Me too," said Tracker. "Even with the Big Blade I'm not ready
> to cross her path yet...

TOM: Wait, I've got it! The solution to all our problems! Quick, you
dress up as Andrew Jackson and I'll get the Cracklin' Oat Bran!

> for some reason I wanna go back to that tree
> where we set our record."
>
> "Which one?

CROW: The one that got you a Grammy for "silliest anthropomorphized
mammal running into a tree without lip-synching"'

> Da tree that gave us brain damage, or da tree dat
> got struck by lightnin' foity times?" said Maxl.

TOM: [ Name Game song ] Foity, foity boi boity, banana nana fo foity,
mee mi mo moity, foity!

>
> "Weren't those both the same tree?" asked Tracker.

CROW: ...the one with the carport?

>
> "Wait!" said Maxl, "I hear sometin'!"

JOEL: Wait, my mistake. It's that other thing.

>
> "Maybe it's the rats....

TOM: Or the cats...
JOEL: The elephants?

> or maybe it's Kabuki.....or maybe
> it's Jade!" said Tracker.
>

CROW: Or their corrupt manager trying to cheat them out of
the money they need to reopen the opera house.
JOEL: [ As Shaggg ] Today, Sonic and the gang meet Jerry Reed!

> "Nah," said Maxl, "we're too smart fo' her." he yawned, and a
> tornado swept through the theater,

TOM: Obsessive-compulsive zephyrs around here.

> avoiding Maxl and Tracker.
>
> "Hey! What was that?!" came a distant voice. "Maxl better not
> have learned about his magical powers yet!"

CROW: It's a completely random plot point.

>
> "It's her!" whispered Maxl to Tracker. But neither saw anyone.
>

JOEL: And nobody saw them back.

> "Maybe not," said Tracker, "maybe it was Jade!"
>

TOM: Maybe it was Merril Markoe, playing a joke?

> "Stop bein' so...so...

JOEL: Sue me!

> para...

CROW: Paramagnetic?

> para...

TOM: Parasympatheic?

> paraplegic!

JOEL: No, you're all wrong, it's paratactic.

> No...it's...umm....paranoid! Yeah! Dat's it!" said Maxl.
>
> "Wait!" said Tracker, "I see someone, but it's not Jade."

CROW: It's Foghorn Leghorn, in drag.
>
> "It's her!" squealed Maxl in delight. "C'mon, let's set up!"

TOM: Now, when she chases Shaggy and Scooby in here, she'll step on
this wood plank sitting on the remote-controlled Hess truck.
We set it going full speed forward and then make a sharp turn,
sending her flying into the washing machine, we slam it shut,
and clean up the mystery the case of the creepy green ghost
pirate hedgehog from space.

>
> "Okay, okay," Tracker finally agreed. He went up into the
> balcony to watch Maxl's performance.

JOEL: And now, on with the Opera! Let joy be unconfined. Let there
be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and
necking in the parlor.

>
> Maxl, the only player in the opera, started singing terribly
> off-key.

JOEL: [ Singing ] Pretty Mary Sunlight, she'll all right with me.

> Tracker clapped his hands over his ears, causing the floor

JOEL: [ Continuing ] Pretty Mary Sunlight, she's everything I need.

> to turn into a 5-foot-thick pile of Jell-O.
>

TOM: [ Laughing weakly ]
CROW: Anything can happen in a fanfic, but it still won't be amusing.

> Maxl, not noticing this development, kept singing. A few

JOEL: [ Continuing ] Some people spend their whole lives chasing
after dreams... they don't know what they've been missing...

> minutes later, the group of six Freedom Fighters came through the
> door.

TOM: G.I.Joe is... somewhere else.

>
> "Tracker!" X3 exclaimed.
>
> Tracker nodded his hooded head,

CROW: We can hear the rattle from here.

> then looked at the Siamese cat

JOEL: [ Standing, waving his hands as a conductor. ]
ALL: [ Singing music to "Take Me Out To the Ball Game" ]

> glaring at him. "Ah! Kabuki! We've been expecting you! Please sit
> down!"

TOM: [ As JOEL and CROW continue ] Your plot points will be processed
in the order in which the authors think of them.
[ TOM resumes "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" ]

>
> "I'm not about to sit with the likes of..."
>

[ JOEL stops conducting; ALL stop singing. ]

CROW: Are they actually that liked?

> Tracker belched, causing the entire group of Freedom Fighters
> to plop down in the seats.
>

TOM: Shouldn't have had that bratwurst and sauerkraut for lunch.

> Maxl was on a very dramatic scene at this point.

CROW: Just trust us, folks. If you were there, there'd be
such drama at this point.

> Of course,
> playing all the characters made it seem more humorous than dramatic.

JOEL: You know, I can't think of the end of this song.
TOM: I can't think of anything but.

>
> Maxl, dressed as a woman, sang "Dra-a-co, I've waited so long.
> I knew you'd come!"

JOEL: [ Singing ] Don't look so perplexed!
Why must you be vexed?
Can't you see you're next?

>
> Maxl tossed off the woman's outfit,

CROW: [ Woman screaming ] Aaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuaaauuughh! SPLAT!

> revealing a masculine
> outfit underneath.

TOM: In "Sonic the Hedgehog" that just means he has shorts
instead of a vest.

> He sang something about marrying Maria.
>

JOEL: [ Jumping into an empty seat to the left of TOM. ]
O mighty warrior of great fighting stock...
Might I inquire to ask ... [ chewing ] Eh, what's up, Doc?

> Then came the duel, which was incredibly difficult to be done
> with one player.

CROW: It's not quite Charles Dickens reading 'A Christmas Carol.'

> He'd toss off one outfit, showing the next
> underneath,

JOEL: [ Dismissively ] Magic helmet.

> and jump to one side, then strike,

TOM: Talks broke off shortly after midnight.

> then change outfits
> and jump back.
>

JOEL: [ From one chair ] Oh, Brunhilde, you're so wovewy!
[ Jumping to the next ] Yes, I know it, I can't help it!

> "This is terrible," remarked Sonic.
>

TOM: That's pretty much our response to everything.

> "Hasn't changed a bit," Sally muttered.

CROW: Maybe if we bought him new underwear, told him it was a gift?

>
> Knuckles said nothing, but looked around for an airsickness
> bag.
>

JOEL: [ Returning to his seat ] Poor wittle bunny...
poor wittle wabbit.

> Suddenly, Tracker screamed. "Jade!" He pointed at the rafters
> above them. Jade was standing there, about to push a four-ton weight
> on Maxl's head.

CROW: Bonk!
JOEL: [ Sitting down again ] Well, what did you *expect* in an
opera, a happy ending?
TOM: Feel better, Joel?
JOEL: [ As he sits ] I've been saving these for years.

>
> Chapter 9 A Weighty Decision

TOM: [ Flatly ] Ha ha ha ha ha. That is a funny, funny pun.

>
> Tracker bolted for the door, and before anyone could stop him,
> he was gone.

CROW: He'd stay in the story if he weren't such a big chicken.

>
> Jade, meanwhile, looked at her watch.

TOM: [ As Jade ] Aaah! Somebody stole my hand!

> "Argh!" she said in
> frustration. "It's gonna take five minutes to drop this thing!"
>
> "We've got to stop her!" Kabuki shouted.

JOEL: Don't stop her on our account.

> "I'll go after her!"
>
> "I'm comin, too," X3 growled, then turned into a tiger.

CROW: I don't want him in *my* tank.

>
> "Fine," Kabuki said. "Let's go!"
>

JOEL: [ As Snagglepuss ] Exit! Stage left even!

> They ran into the next room, and tried to enter the door to
> the rafters, but it was locked. "Bleep!" she shouted. "X3...can't
> you do something?"

TOM: Um... I could make a hat out of it.

> One thing about Kabuki was that she knew
> absolutely nothing about the capabilities of X and X3.

CROW: She's kind of funny that way.

>
> "The unlocking mechanism is probably in another room," X3
> observed.

JOEL: Most doors are operated from central control rooms miles away.

> "I'll tell the others to check it out."
>
> "We can't get through," crackled the voice on Knuckles' watch.
> "Take the door to your right!"

TOM: No, take door number two!
CROW: Take the box! The box!

>
> "Check," Sally said. "C'mon." She and the other three ran to
> the next room. "Four switches...let's each pull one."

JOEL: Dare ya to lick 'em.

>
> Knuckles pulled his. The sound of a dog barking was
> heard.

CROW: Somewhere, by someone.

> "Wrong switch, mon," he said.
>
> Sonic pulled his, and the lights went out.

JOEL: [ As Rocky, the gangster ] Turn on da lights, Mugsy.

> After turning them
> back on, he said, "Light switch."

JOEL: [ As Rocky, the gangster ] Turn 'em off! Turn 'em off!
CROW: Bang!

>
> Hedgehog X pulled his switch.

TOM: The maid screamed. Suddenly a pirate ship appeared on the
horizon.

> A hole appeared beneath his
> feet, and he fell onto the stage.
>

CROW: Y'know, the opera house is harder to break into than
Robotnik's headquarters is.

> "I guess that leaves this one," Sally said. She pulled it. "It
> should be open," she said into Knuckles' watch.
>
> "It is," X3's voice replied. "Let's go!"

TOM: [ As Sonic ] Wait!
JOEL: [ As X3 ] What is it?
TOM: [ As Sonic ] I have to know! Why is he called 'Donkey' Kong
when he's a gorilla?

>
> "We'll be on stage," Sonic said,

JOEL: Don't forget your lines!
TOM: This'll be the best presentation of "The Odd Couple"
any middle school ever put on!

> and the three jumped down the
> hole.
>
> Kabuki and X3 walked on the rafters. Every so often, some
> small rats would bother them,

JOEL: With their little rat taunts of "nanny nanny boo boo."

> but were quickly disposed
> of...remember, Kabuki's a cat, and X3 was in tiger form.

CROW: Shouldn't X3 be eating Frosted Flakes then?

>
> Finally, they reached Jade, who grinned, satisfied. "Nice try,
> but I've already pushed the weight far enough!"

TOM: Maybe it would have been just as effective to push something
a little less heavy?

> It was true...the
> weight was clearly about to fall.
>
> "Not so fast!" shouted a voice.

CROW: We can't keep fighting -- it's a school night!

> Espio suddenly appeared, and
> jumped on Jade's head. The chameleon covered Jade's eyes,

JOEL: King Kong couldn't cover a Mobian's eyes!

> and while
> she moved about wildly, Kabuki drew her katana,

CROW: It could've been a knife, but katanas are way cooler.

> and threw it at
> Jade's neck. Espio jumped off Jade's head and clung to the wall.
>

TOM: I am a *gecko*, not *Geico*. Please stop calling me!

> The blade never reached its mark, because suddenly,

CROW: Mark dumped her and started going around with a set of
Klackers from the early 80s.

> all the
> strain on the rafter they were fighting on caused it to give.
> Everything fell: Jade, Kabuki, X3, the katana...

JOEL: And of course, Lassie.

> and the weight.
>
> "Looks like it's that time again," muttered Hedgehog X,

TOM: [ As Wakko ] Time to make googly faces at the neighbors?
CROW: [ As Dot ] Time to make toothless references to B-list
celebrities in place of actual jokes?
JOEL: [ As Yakko ] No, siblings, it's time for -- The Wheel
of Morality!

> who
> was always bearing the brunt of attacks. He ran to where the weight
> was landing, pushed Maxl out of the way, and caught it.

CROW: Now, *catching* it is just showing off.

> The velocity
> caused him to fall through the Jell-O floor...and several hard-wood
> floors, too. He ended up in the third basement.

TOM: Strangely, the third basement is above the attic. Weird place.

>
> Jade looked at her watch.

CROW: [ As Jade ] Aw, no! Somebody stole my whole lower arm!

> "Five minutes, exactly,"

TOM: That's how long this story took to plot.

> she said
> satisfactorily. Then, she saw Maxl, oblivious to what was going on
> around him. She caught Kabuki's katana as it fell,

JOEL: [ Shaking his hand around, screaming in pain ] Yeeow! Ow!
Aaaugh! Oooowieowowwww!

> and went up
> behind Maxl. She got into the proper stance to make a killing blow.

TOM: Or a snuggly kiss.
CROW: Let's blow this popsicle stand.
JOEL: [ Picking up TOM ] Works for me.

[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

[ SOL DESK. Lights are low, with a spotlight behind the desk.
JOEL is sitting in front of the desk. TOM comes out. ]

TOM: [ As JOEL applauds ] Hello! Thank you all for coming to
the Big-Time Wacky Forced Fun Comedy Improv Ha-Ha Revue!
[ CROW, GYPSY pop up to the left of TOM. ]
CROW: We're your performers, Crow T. Robot...
GYPSY: And Gypsy. Just Gypsy.
TOM: I'm your host, Tom Servo, and we're here to show you the best
kind of fun is the spontaneous fun that comes from words you
the audience reflexively laugh at!
GYPSY: We need from you a funny location?
JOEL: [ Clapping. ] Bridge of the starship Enterprise!
CROW: Bridge of the Enterprise, good one. Now what's a common word
that looks really weird if you say it too often?
JOEL: [ Clapping. ] Pastry!
TOM: Pastry, now, can we please have from you a funny adjective?
JOEL: [ Clapping. ] Lugubrious!
CROW: Lugub... uh... I guess that's a word. OK.
GYPSY: A ridiculous celebrity?
JOEL: [ Clapping. ] Oprah!
[ TOM buzzes. ]
GYPSY: Ooh, I'm sorry, Oprah is on our retired wall and can't be entered
into the competition. Another one, please?
JOEL: Elvis!
[ TOM buzzes. ]
GYPSY: I'm sorry, he's another retired celebrity. You're now down by
four points and I'm afraid if you give another wrong celebrity
you won't be able to continue in this round.
CROW: Think carefully, now.
JOEL: [ Cautiously ] W-- William... [ TOM and CROW shake their heads. ]
I mean Richard Simmons.
[ TOM, CROW, GYPSY hastily confer. ]
GYPSY: OK, we'll allow it this time.
TOM: Thank you! Thank you all and goodnight!
JOEL: Wait, my sketch!
CROW: Up, he's a sharp one! Almost let us put one past you.
TOM: Yes, now, just a moment, please.
[ TOM, CROW and GYPSY hide under the desk for a moment. JOEL claps. ]
GYPSY: [ Coming up, far left of the desk. ] Captain's log, stardate
1234.5. The bridge of the Enterprise is calm, and we expect
nothing odd to happen.
[ JOEL chuckles. ]
CROW: [ Coming up, beside GYPSY; doing his Sulu impersonation ]
Captain, engineering reports we now have full pastries.
[ JOEL chuckles. ]
GYPSY: Full pastries? That's not good enough, mister. Get me Richard
Simmons, now. And offer him a pastry.
TOM: [ Popping up on the far right. ] Hey, everybody, it's me,
Richard Simmons on the viewscreen! Is that you over there
on the bridge of the Enterprise? With pastries?
CROW: It appears to be Richard Simmons with our pastry, Captain.
GYPSY: I can see the pastry, and Richard Simmons, Mister. Status?
TOM: We're certainly having lugubrious weather these days!
[ JOEL laughs, claps. ]
TOM: [ Breaking character ] Thank you! Thank you all!
[ CROW, GYPSY, TOM congretate in the center and start taking bows. ]
TOM: And thank you for coming out to the Big-Time Wacky Forced Fun
Comedy Improv Ha-Ha Revue! Remember, we're the place where
you make your own fun!
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in five seconds.
JOEL: [ Getting up, walking to the desk. ] Hey, thanks guys, you were
great as always.
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign now.
[ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes. ]
JOEL: We'll be right back.
[ JOEL taps COMMERCIAL SIGN. ]

[ COMMERCIAL BREAK ]