MiSTed - "The Aph(f)rodisians" & "Who Mourns for Hazzard?"
Bill Livingston
Well, here's my latest contribution to world peace, harmony, and the quest
for the perfect cheeseburger - the MiSTing of 2 Star Trek Fanfics.
The first one is titled "The Aphrodisians" (or "The Afrodisians" - the
author uses both spellings), the story of some really odd aliens and how
they affect the libido of a certain Betazoid ship's counsellor.
The second, "Who Mourns for Hazzard?", is a crossover between the original
series and "them ol' Duke boys".
Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery (such as a digital watch) 30
minutes after reading these fanfics. Do not taunt the fanfics. If doctor
persists, see your condition.
Bill L.
And now, without further ado... (well, maybe a little ado)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
bi...@Traveller.COM http://www.hsv.tis.net/~bill
Best if Used by Date on Label
Bill Livingston
[Continued]
[D13 - Pearl is wearing a TOS outfit, with her done up a la Yeoman Rand]
MRS.F: Hello, people - hiya, Art. Clayton stepped out for a sec to
recharge his pha - oh, nuts, he's in the can!
DR.F: [Off] Mother!!!
[SOL]
CROW: Hey, Pearl, you're looking pretty sassy in that classic uniform
if I do say so myself!
SERVO: [whispering] Kiss-up!
[D13]
MRS.F: Oh, Art, you say the sweetest things when you grovel.
DR.F: [Still off] The experiment mother, just get to the experim -
OWW!!!! D'oooohhhh, darn these phaser toilets!
MRS.F: [sighs] You've got to make sure the beam's on tight focus,
you nit! Well unfortunately, groveling won't get you out of
you-know-who's next experiment. It's a TOS story that's supposed
to be a parody, but has all the light, delicate subtlety of an arc
welder in a rainstorm. Oh, and it has a "surprise" crossover, but
it's - I mean, the story's called "Who Mourns for Hazzard?", so you
figure it out.
DR.F: [Still off] YEEOOOWWWWWWW!!!
MRS.F: Clayton!! Don't aim it straight up, for crying out loud!!
[SOL]
[Everyone's mouth is hanging open in unadulterated revulsion. Then the
lights begin to flash]
ALL: YAAAHHH!!! WE GOT CLASSIC-TREKFIC SIGN!!!
[6... 5... 4... 3... 2... o]
>
>Bethany Hills
MIKE: 9
SERVO: 0
CROW: 2
GYPSY: [offstage] 1
ALL: *0*
CROW: The preceding was brought to you by Obvious Gags "R" Us
>Star Trek: "Who Mourns for Hazzard?"
MIKE: I don't mourn for Hazzard, but I'm kinda bummed about Boss Hogg
being dead and all!
>Written by:
>Alexander Ring
SERVO: [Walter Winchell] Elliot Ness and the Untouchables battle the
infamous Alexander Ring for control of Chicago's streets!
>
>Cast:
>Captain Kirk Luke Duke
>Mr. Spock Bo Duke
>Dr. McCoy Daisy Duke
MIKE: Bo didn't really look good in those ears
CROW: Yeah, but DeForest Kelley was stunning in those cutoffs, grr-r-r-rwl!
>Mr. Scott
>Mr. Sulu
>Lt. Uhura
>Mr. Chekov
>Yeoman Rand
SERVO: [singing] Hey man, prepare yourself for the Yeoman Rand - man!
>
>Crew: Band, Duke's Singer, Stage Manager, Sound Effects.
MIKE: Y'know, this is an historic occasion - it's Waylon Jennings'
first appearance in a "Star Trek" fanfic
>
>Scene:
SERVO: And not heard.
CROW: "Seen" is bad enough!
> As the curtain opens, music 1 plays.
MIKE: Oh good, maybe we're in time for "The Big Eighties"
> We see the bridge of
>Enterprise. Kirk is at his chair, Spock is at the science station, Uhura
>is at communications, Sulu and Chekov are at the helm.
CROW: All settled in for their long winter's nap
> Yeoman Rand walks
>over from the turbo-lift to Kirk with a clipboard, on which is something
>for him to sign.
SERVO: It's a "Cease & Desist" Order.
> Kirk smiles at Rand, signs the paper. As Rand walks
>to her station Kirk watches her, "admiring" her figure.
MIKE: In the same sense that a leopard "admires" a slow, fat zebra
> Spock notices this,
>and clears his throat. Kirk snaps out of it and looks at Spock, who
>gestures toward the audience.
SERVO: [Spock] Double dumb ass on you
MIKE: [Shatner] That's... MYLINE!
> Kirk is surprised, but quickly recovers
>and hits a button on his chair.
CROW: Lookit! It goes up, like a dentist's chair!
>
>Kirk: "Captain's Log, Stardate 8704.6.
ALL: Hike!
> After some rather ah,...
>unfortunate and purely accidental incidents on our last mission,
SERVO: It's the Romulans' fault! They fired back!
>Starfleet has ordered the Enterprise to transport the Federation's
>collection of antique Burger King Dukes of Hazzard glasses to the
>Federation cultural museum on Donaldduckus 12.
[Long Pause]
CROW: Burger King Glasses? *Dukes of Hazzard* Burger King Glasses?!?
SERVO: Going to "Donaldduckus 12", no less!
MIKE: I'm sensing the deft comedic touch of "Saturday Night Live", guys!
> In the spirit of galactic exploration
>and discovery we have diverted our course to chart what seems to
>be an unexplored sector of the galaxy.
CROW: There's just this shadowy sector marked "Z'ha'doum"!
MIKE: Z'ha'doum, Z'ha'doum - yadadadadada yadadadadada, Z'ha'doum, Z'ha-
CROW: Mike - don't do that!
> This no doubt, will result in our
>bringing more worlds into the peace and goodwill of the Federation."
ALL: Conform! Conform! Conform!
>(Kirk again pushes the button on his chair, then turns to Spock.)
>"You're sure this is a shortcut?"
SERVO: [Spock] Yes, captain, this is a straight shot to "Barbary Coast"
>
>Spock: "Positive, Captain. I checked the starmaps and computed the
>coordinates myself."
>
>The red-alert lights start flashing and the klaxon starts to sound
SERVO: SHATNER'S GONNA SING!!!! [All start to scatter]
>
>Sulu: "Ion storm ahead, Captain."
[All return]
CROW: Oh, is *that* all?!?
MIKE: Boy, you'd think they'd be used to those by now
>
>Spock: "Of course, it was Ensign Chekov who did the actual course
>plotting."
>
>Chekov: (With Russian accent)
CROW: As opposed to Chekov's usual Bolivian accent
> "But Mr. Spock...."
>
>Spock: "I hardly think this is the time to be insubordinate, Ensign,
>especially with impact in 5.238 seconds."(Spock starts counting down
>with his fingers.)
SERVO: 5.237 seconds, 5.236 seconds, 5.235 seconds...
>
>Kirk: (Getting up from his chair) "Helm! Evasive maneuvers!"
MIKE: [Shatner] OUTofmyWAY... thebufFET... isOPen...
>
>Sulu: "Too late!"
CROW: [Sulu] For our careers, sir!
>
>When Spock reaches one, there is a crashing sound and the entire bridge
>crew lurches stage right, rolling across the floor, falling over props,
>etc. then with another crashing sound they lurch stage left.
MIKE: Belushi, Chase, Aykroyd, 1975 - seen it.
SERVO: You think it's derivative?
MIKE: Maybe, maybe not. All I know is, if Elliot Gould and Garrett Morris
get off the turbolift, I'm outta here
> Throughout
>this ordeal Kirk keeps trying to fall into Yeoman Rand, without much
>success. After lying on the deck a while, the crew gets up with moans
>and goes to their stations.
SERVO: [announcer] This concludes this test of the emergency crew-casting
system!
>
>Kirk: "Damage report."
>
>Spock: "Our shields have totally collapsed, Captain....Life support is
>down by 60%...The microwave interpolator will not bounce....
CROW: That's because you left the foil on the fish again, ya dink!
> Ensign
>Rodriguez has lost a contact on the lido deck.(moans from the crew)..
>The bowling alley is completely destroyed.(groans of remorse, louder
>than the first time)...and the Vikings have once again failed to get
>in to the Super Bowl.
MIKE: See, Spock's not so infallible - he's confusing "sudden damage" with
"Predictable Annual Event".
> (The crew wails at this news, except Chekov who collects bets
>from the rest of the crew.
SERVO: [Chekov] Tank yoo wery much, ya suckers! Vagering on the Nuclear
Wessel races vill begin at 1400 tomorrow!
> Spock pulls the remote from his ear, looks at
>it and taps it on his console.)
>
>Uhura: (At the verge of tears) "And I broke a nail!"
ALL: Oh, BOO!!!
>
>(Crew starts to wail )
>
>Rand: "Captain, I'm scarred!"
SERVO: Well, reconstructive surgery's probably the way to go, then.
>
>Kirk: "Oh, Yeoman Rand...."
>
>(Kirk moves to console Rand., maneuvers her into a "Rhett/Scarlett
>position" Scotty runs on to the bridge from the turbo lift to Kirk.)
MIKE: Boy, Captain Kirk really *is* irresistible!
>
>Scotty: (With Scottish accent)
CROW: As opposed to Scotty's usual Indonesian accent!
> ""Captain! I don't believe it!
SERVO: Of course, the double quotation mark at the beginning is a sure
sign of a Scottish accent.
>If I didn't see it with my own eyes...."
CROW: Then he'd be Geordi LaForge
>
>Kirk: (Stage whisper) "Not now Scotty! Another minute and she'll be
>putty in my hands!
ALL: EWW-W-W-W-W!!!
>
>Scotty: "But Sir, The Dukes of Hazzard glasses! They're coming to life!
[All groan]
CROW: Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me!
SERVO: Geez, first we get Troi's libido, and now *this*?!?
MIKE: Oh, man, Forrester has no shame left!
CROW: He never had any to lose!
>
>(Danger music. The crew all stiffen in horror and hurry to their posts.)
>
>Kirk: "What!" (He drops Yeoman Rand)
CROW: Fortunately, she landed on that funky hair weave, so she's all right
>
>Scotty: "It's like I was trying to tell you, sir. Three of the glasses
>have come to life! They're walking about the ship right now!"
>
>McCoy bursts onto the bridge
SERVO: [McCoy] HE'S DEAD JI - Oh, wait, I'm early!
> Yeoman Rand leaves.
MIKE: And no one notices
>
>McCoy: "Jim! There are madman running around on the ship!"
SERVO: And he have episode guides!
>
>Kirk: "I know. Run down and stall them, will ya?"
>
>McCoy: "I'm a doctor, not a security goon!"
CROW: Alice?
>
>(The Duke's music starts After a line or two the Duke Boys and Daisy
>burst on the bridge.
ALL: EWWW-W-W-W!!!
CROW: There's redneck bits all over the place!
SERVO: [Foghorn Leghorn] Fortunately ah keep the Dukes numbered - for,
for just such an emergency!
> The crew is confused, not sure what to do.
MIKE: They must have just read "The Aphrodisians"
SERVO: Or possibly "The Afrodisians"
> At about
>the line "that's just a little bit more..." Kirk cuts in.)
>
>Kirk: "What, What is this? What music is this? (Pointing to Loren)
>Who is that?
CROW: [whispering] Say, who *is* Loren, anyway?
SERVO: Loren Bacall? Loren Hutton? Loren Tewes?
MIKE: I'm telling you, it's Loren Michaels - this thing has "Saturday
Night Live" written all over it!
> (To band) Where's the danger music?"
>
>(Voice from off-stage, over mic says "Nix the Duke theme, cue danger
>music." Band hurriedly gets up, plays danger music.
SERVO: Nick Danger - Private Musician!
> At the sound of the
>danger music the crew jolts to alertness and run to their stations.)
>
>Kirk: "Alright, who are you, what do you want?
MIKE: A Whopper with cheese, no tomato
>
>Bo: "Boy-Howdy, Luke, this here place is prettier than a possum on a
>gum-bush."
CROW: They forgot to add, "With Southern Accent"
SERVO: Oh, c'mon, they weren't *this* bad in the original "Dukes" series!
MIKE: They weren't this bad in "Deliverance"!
CROW: Yeah, but that Bo sure does have a purty mouth!
MIKE: Prettier than a possum on a gum-bush!
>
>Luke: "Sure enough, we never had anything like this in Hazzard."
>
>Daisy: "Boys, something tells me we're not in Hazzard anymore."
SERVO: The only one left in Hazzard is Richard Marx
CROW: And he's tryin' to make it to the river and get out of that old
Nebraska town!
>
>(Kirk sees Daisy and is spellbound. He moves toward her. The Duke
>Boys are exploring the bridge, annoying the crew and letting out a
>whoop every so often.)
>
>Kirk: (Seductively) "Hello, I'm Captain James T. Kirk. And you are...."
MIKE: Not.
>
>Spock: "Captain. (Kirk fails to notice) Captain. (Kirk again pays no
>attention. Spock goes down and taps him on the shoulder) Captain, their
>dialect is one we have never encountered before.
CROW: But it's similar to the one found on Clampett IV
> Even with the computers
>translating we are only getting a few words and phrases.
SERVO: Yeah, like "Nashville Network", "Residuals", and "Reunion Show"
> (Moving Kirk out
>of the way) Perhaps I should try the Vulcan mind-meld."
MIKE: Better yet, try the Vulcan bean dip, it's scrumptious!
>
>Kirk: (Stops Spock, pulls him away.) "Perhaps you should try the Vulcan
>mind-your-own-business. (Pointing to Luke.) How 'bout doing him?
SERVO: Oh, I don't think -
>I'll take care of the lady."
>
>(Spock goes over to Luke.)
>
>Bo: (Pointing to Spock)
MIKE: [Bo] It's the devil! Run away!! Begone, hell-beast!
CROW: [Church Lady] Let's see, who could have pulled us away from our
own time, and started ogling all our little bulbous parts? Hmm-m-m-m,
could it be, oh, I don't know - SHATNER?!?!?!?!?
> "Hey, Luke. That one looks a mite sick."
>
>Luke: "Probably come from what happened to his ears. Must of got them
>caught in a cotton picker.
SERVO: See, it's funny, 'cuz, 'cuz - just LAUGH!! LAUGH!!!
> I'll just try and be friendly with him."
>(Puts out his hand toward Spock) "Howdy!"
CROW: Doody!
>
>(Spock looks at his hand, then goes into a mind-meld with Luke.
CROW: I can sense much of the Dark Side in you, young Jedi! Soon, very
soon, you will call me master!
>Luke looks shocked at first, then his expression slowly calms down.
>Meanwhile...)
>
>Spock: "My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts...."(After
>a few seconds Spock starts to whoop.
MIKE: Oh, no, don't even try it, Nimoy - you can't even sing as well as
Shatner!
SERVO: [Spock, singing] Bitter Dregs!
> When the crew sees this they are all
>startled.
MIKE: They weren't startled when they heard it?
SERVO: In space, no one can hear you whoop!
> Kirk, whose attentions were previously on Daisy, looks over
>with concern at Spock.)
SERVO: Maybe he's whooping erotically
CROW: Let's not even go there, Tom!
MIKE: Any attempt to turn this into one of those "Kirk/Spock" stories
will be severely dealt with!
>
>Kirk: "Spock!" He tears Spock out of the meld, still whooping.) "Spock,
>snap out of it" (He starts to slap Spock while yelling) "Spock!"
ALL: Hit him again! Hit him again! HAR-der! HAR-der!
>
>McCoy: "Stop it, Jim!"
>
>Kirk: "Bones if I quit now we might lose him!"
>
>McCoy: "I know that, I just want to get a few shots in myself."
SERVO: Bah-dum-dump! CHEEE!!! Thank you folks, enjoy the buffet!
CROW: Don't forget to tip your tribble
>
>Spock: "There will be no need, Doctor.
MIKE: There will be no want, no hunger, no tears.
> The Captain's brutal technique
>was similar enough to your own medical practices to suffice my recovery
>from the meld."
>
>McCoy: "You just better watch it! Your physical is coming up in a
>few weeks."
>
>Spock: "Yes, I can hear you shaking the rattles and smell the boiling
>eye of newt in Sickbay."
SERVO: Boy, those ethics committee reprimands are a lot tougher than you
might think!
>
>Kirk: "Gentlemen we seem to have forgotten the issue at hand. Spock,
>did you learn any important information from the meld? (Pointing to
>Daisy) Like what's her name?"
MIKE: [singing] Is it Mary or Sue?
>
>Spock: "That there is, ahem, the young lady is Daisy Duke. The other
>two are her cousins, Bo and Luke. All three are residents of Hazzard
>County...."
>
>Bo: "Hazzard County! That's where we're from!
CROW: That's what he just said. Dickweed.
> Ain't that right Luke?"
>
>Luke: "True as a coon's tail on a windy day!"
MIKE: Y'know, I'm not even from the south and I still find this really
offensive and patronizing!
>
>Daisy: "But where are we now? Like I said, this don't look like Hazzard."
>
>(Spock moves to his station, starts pushing buttons. he and McCoy are
>making faces at each other.
SERVO: [Spock] Neener Neener Neener, you are a great big wiener
CROW: [Bones] Blast it, Spock! I'm rubber and you're glue, and every-
thing you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!
> Kirk has once again maneuvered himself over
>to Daisy)
>
>Kirk: "You're on board the starship Enterprise."
>
>Luke: "Starship! Ya'll mean like spaceship!"
SERVO: Yes, *all* of him means it!
MIKE: Or is it just him & his toupee?
>
>Bo: "Let me try her out! (Bo and Luke run to the helm, throw Sulu and
>Chekov out of their chairs.)
CROW: But they're soon foiled by the lack of side windows to climb through
>
>Bo: "Hold on to your suspenders, we're going to break some records!
SERVO: Hopefully, "The Transformed Man" and "Highly Illogical"
>(He jerks the wheel,
CROW: Excuse me - the *wheel*?!?
MIKE: StarFleet tried that instead of randomly pressing buttons for a
while, but found they weren't going off course near enough
> banking the Enterprise.
SERVO: At FirstAmStateConHugeCoTrustLoanCorp, member FDIC
> The crew lurches to the
>one side. Danger music, intertwined with Duke music.)
>
>Scotty: "Captain! Me engines can't take much more of this!"
SERVO: [Scotty] Ah've got to have more time!
CROW: [Scotty] Ah've got to have more power!
MIKE: [Scotty] Ah've got to have more milk!
>
>Luke: "Can't this thing go any faster?"
>
>Scotty: (Indignant) "What! Let's see if you can handle this! (Scotty
>runs to the helm, pushes some buttons. Everyone falls backward due to
>the acceleration.
SERVO: So, the Enterprise has a hidden Nitro tank, then?
CROW: Yeah, pretty much!
> The Duke Boys and Chekov are having a great time.
CROW: [Waylon] 'Bout that time, ol' Commissar Hogg showed up, with Chief
Cossack Roscoe P. Coletrainov in tow.
> Soon we
>hear the sound of the engine falling apart.. Everyone lurches forward at
>a sudden stop.)
>
>Kirk: (A bit sickly)
SERVO: [Shatner] A CAPtain... BARFS... on the NEXT... REScue NINE-ONE-ONE!
> "Spock, what happened?"
>
>Spock: "Thanks to the indulgences our energetic guests and Mr. Scott, the
>warp drive is now non-functional."
CROW: Yeah, she threw a rod there, for sure. 'At's gonna cost ya!
>
>Scotty: "I might have gone a wee bit overboard."
MIKE: Well, go the rest of the way!
> (Goes to his station.
>Sulu goes to the helm, motions Bo to vacate the seat. Chekov does the
>same with Luke The boys look sheepish and vacate.)
CROW: I guess they took it on the LAMB! HA! Lamb, y'see, and - never mind
>
>Kirk: (Pointing to Security Guard) "What about him?"
>
>McCoy: "He's dead, Jim."
SERVO: [McCoy] Was that my cue? Ah, the hell with it!
> (Takes Security Guard off-stage)
SERVO: [McCoy] You like Thai food? There's this place on Deck 23...
>
>Uhura: "Captain, I'm getting messages from all over the ship. The crew
>are turning into Burger King glasses!"
CROW: [Uhura] And they're being included in Value Meals!
SERVO: So when parody gets this cheesy, is it a parody parody?
>
>Spock: "Fascinating! By passing through the ion storm at warp speed,
>we have entered an alternate universe.
SERVO: [Spock] It appears Adam West is the captain here, while you're
stuck fighting Frank Gorshin and Victor Buono
> The Dukes have been brought into
>reality, while the crew of the Enterprise are assuming the form of Burger
>King glasses.
MIKE: [Spock] And all the Klingons are turning into Happy Meal toys
> According to my computations the entire transformation
>will be complete in 4.852 minutes."
CROW: Or the next one's free!
>
>McCoy: "I suppose with all the stress you're under it's hard to be
>accurate."
>
>Sulu: "Can we get back?"
MIKE: To where we once belonged?
>
>Spock: "As a matter of fact, the possibility did exist until we lost warp
>power. (Everyone scowls at Scotty) Scanners indicate another ion storm
>1.3 light years from here.
SERVO: Oh, great, and the wiper blades are shot, too!
> If the Enterprise were to pass through that
>storm, we might end up back in our own universe."
CROW: Or not. Who cares?
>
>Kirk: "Status report on the engines."
>
>Scotty: "Well sir, it's like this.
SERVO: Once upon a time, a long time ago...
> The main energizer is out, all our
>dilithium crystals are cracked, calibration and timing are off in the
>second fibulator, every single McKensie light is blinking, and to top
>it all off, somebody left a wiener in the impulse drive from our last
>cookout.
ALL: Wah-wah-wah-wah!
> It'll take at least 7 hours to fix."
>
>Kirk: "Scotty, I need warp power in three minutes or were all dead."
>
>Scotty: (Sigh)
MIKE: Or should that be "Sugh"?
> I'll give my best shot, sir." (Starts to leave. Intense
>music.)
ALL: [ST music] bah-BUM bah-BUM bah-BUM-BUM-bum!
>
>Luke: "Can we help?"
>
>Scotty: "What do you know about engines?"
>
>Bo and Luke: "What do we know about engines?!"
MIKE: Nothing - that's why you always went to that "Cooter" guy!
>
>Luke: "Let's go. I suppose it'll take at least a minute just to
>change the oil in this thing."
>
>(The Boys and Scotty go to the turbo lift. When they get there Scotty
>picks up a glass.)
CROW: Insert your own drunken Scotty joke here
>
>Scotty: "Yeoman Rand!" (He throws the glass over his shoulder.
SERVO: Enterprise - the kind, caring ship
>Kirk lunges to catch it. Scotty and the Dukes leave.)
>
>Kirk: "I'll just hold on to this. (Aside to Spock) Spock. (Spock moves
>over to Kirk)"
CROW: There's a gripping action sequence for you.
> Is there any way we might be able to keep one of them real?"
>
>Spock: "If you are referring to the young lady, I believe you humans have
>a saying, 'Fat chance.'
MIKE: Well, considering they're Burger King glasses, that's fitting
> Once we cross back over, all three of the Dukes
>will revert back to their original form."
CROW: Two mediocre C&W singers, & Mrs. Ringo Starr
SERVO: No, that's Barbara Bach. We've got Catherine Bach!
>
>Kirk: (Snaps his fingers.) "Oh well, you win some, you lose some. (To
>Daisy. Tender music) Darling, this is it for us. Soon you will be back
>in your own world.
MIKE: Where she'll be filled with icy cold Diet Coke, and handled by the
mustardy hands of minimum-wage teenagers
> I suppose you're sorry to have to leave, especially
>without having had the chance to get to know me better."
>
>Daisy: "Nah. Ya'll dress funny. (Pats Kirk) I'll cope. (Leaves bridge.)
CROW: Even in the middle of this train wreck of a story, that was somehow
satisfying
>
>(Uhura snickers to herself. Starts to mark one in the air for Daisy.
>Kirk turns to see who is laughing as her finger is still in the air.)
SERVO: At last! Uhura's giving Kirk the finger!
MIKE: You go, girl!
>
>Kirk: (Irritated) "Yes, Lieutenant, is there something you'd like to
>share?"
SERVO: [Uhura] The number for my Psychic Hotline?
>
>Uhura: (Embarased)
MIKE: Especially about the spelling, there
> "Er, yes sir. Mr. Scott reports the warp engines are
>back on line."
>
>Kirk: (Icily) "It's about time. Mr. Sulu, set course for the ion storm.
>
>Sulu: "Yes sir."
>
>Spock: "I just want to inform you, Captain, that the chances of this
>working are...
CROW: Even lower than finding any actual humor in this story
>
>McCoy: "About the same as us encountering a situation and you not
>quoting the odds.
>
>Sulu: "Ion storm, ahead."
>
>Spock: "Impact in 6.78 seconds." (Makes face at McCoy)
CROW: [Spock] May I invite you, doctor, to kindly eat my shorts?
MIKE: It's the "SNL" deal, I'm telling you!
>
>(Spock counts down on his fingers again.
SERVO: 6.77 seconds, 6.76 seconds, 6.75 seconds, 6.74 seconds...
> When he reaches 0, the crew
>lurches left, then right., as in previous scene..
MIKE: They even lurched up some extra punctuation there
> Again they get up
>moaning.)
>
>Spock: (Checking instruments.) We have returned to our own universe.
>The crew should return to normal within seven minutes."
CROW: Which isn't saying all that much, *but*...
>
>Kirk: "Once again we have ventured where no man has gone before, and
>come back unscathed, having lost perhaps only a few guys in red shirts.
CROW: They traded Dennis Rodman and Scotty Pippen for Kang, Harry Mudd,
and a Tholian be named later
MIKE: Well, they pretty much had to trade Rodman after he kicked that
Organian in his all-powerful groin
> I'm
>sure when Starfleet hears about this, it'll be back to the good mis-
>sions for us. (Looks at his watch)
SERVO: [Shatner] NOW - let'sWATCH - alittleTEKwar - ontheSCIFIchannel!
> Well, it's about time for my break. (He
>looks at the Yeoman Rand glass and snickers.) I'll be back in about
>ten minutes.
ALL: EWWW-W-W-W!!!!
> Mr. Chekov, take us home."
>
>Chekov: "Aye, sir. (Lets out a whoop. End music)
>
>End
MIKE: Once again, none too soon.
SERVO: Much much too late, is more like it!
CROW: Can we just go-o-o-o-o-o???
MIKE: Yeah, let's! [All leave. On the way out, Tom lets out a whoop!]
[0... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6]
[SOL - Mike is looking up at Gypsy, whose neck is stretched up into the
ceiling. Crow & Servo are examining a plastic model of the "General Lee",
with the Enterprise's warp nacelles stuck on the side]
MIKE: You okay up there, Gypsy?
GYPSY: (from above) I'm fine, Mike. Almost done
MIKE: Just take your time, Gyps, we want to get it right. [to C&S] Well,
I guess we survived that one OK, huh fellows?
SERVO: Shore did, Cuzzin Mike! We're feelin' better than a pair of blue
tick hounds in a rockin' chair! [Lets out another whoop]
CROW: [Like Spock] Yes, Mike, I calculate an 87.4996% chance that we are
indeed quite well
MIKE: Yes, I, I can see that. Oh, uh, what've you got there?
CROW: It's our monument to that last story. Not only did we manage to sit
through the most ludicrous crossover story in history -
SERVO: But we proved even atrocious parodies can't break us
MIKE: Ah. [Picks up model] And, uh, I'd like to thank the members of
the academy for this, um "Generalprize", or "EnterLee", or whatever.
Y'know, that's true, Crow. parody can be light, or it can be heavy -
CROW: Yeah, but this was so forced it made "Hot Shots Part Deux" read
like Oscar flippin' Wilde!
MIKE: Gee, I wish I'd said that.
CROW: You will, Mikey, you will.
SERVO: And you know what else? This whole crossover may have been fate!
I checked the Internet Movie DB, and not only was Jonathan Frakes once
a guest on the "Dukes of Hazzard", but the show's producer was actually
named Picard!
MIKE: Oh, and let me guess - Boss Hogg had a secretary named "Kennedy"
while Captain Kirk had one named "Lincoln", right?
SERVO: Don't patronize me, pink boy
MIKE: Oh, sorry. Well, anyway, I *do* think we learned a few other things
from the experience, though.
SERVO: Oh, sure! For example, if you're going to write a parody, you
should at least have a passing knowledge of your subject.
CROW: Yeah. Another thing is, fate or no fate, if you're planning a "Star
Trek" crossover story, any show with characters named "Cooter" and
"Enos" probably shouldn't be a prime candidate!
MIKE: Oh, and don't let "Saturday Night Live" be your guide!
SERVO: Good advice, no matter what
MIKE: On the other hand, any story featuring both Nichelle Nichols *and*
Catherine Bach can't be all bad, -though this one comes close
CROW: Yeah, that Ringo Starr is one lucky guy!
SERVO: No, no, that's *Barbara* Bach! Not Catherine, Barbara!!
MIKE: Let's just stop and smell the roses a second, okay guys? Why don't
you give 'em the info there?
SERVO: [Scotty] Ach, ta sign up on the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an
e-mail message to majo...@neylonpc.engin.umich.edu with the message
"subscribe dibslist [<your name>]" in the message body. And make sure
ya don't crrrrrack th'dilithium crystals while you're doin' it, laddie!!
CROW: [Dukes] An' be shore to read the Guidelines fer MiSTing, as described
in the F-A-Q, yeeee-haaaaaw!!!!
MIKE: Thanks, Commander Servo, Cousin Crow. Hey, Gyps, ya done?
GYPSY: [retracting her head from the ceiling] Okay, I've got the system
calibrated, set, and ready to go!
MIKE: Great! Now, what are the different levels?
GYPSY: Yellow alert is for ion storms, Ratliff Stories, and that really
big guy from "The Amazing Colossal Man". Orange Alert is for Klingons,
Cardassians, Borg, Vorlons, Cylons, Daleks, or Ed Wood, with or
without angora sweater. Green alert is if we're under attack by
vegetarians, and blue is if there's a special on menswear at K-Mart.
MIKE: And red alert?
GYPSY: That's for when any "Star Trek" cast member is about to sing.
CROW: Except Nichelle Nichols, right?
MIKE: Yeah, she's the exception to the rule. [console lights flash]
Oh-oh, it's Boss Hogg and Nurse Chapel.
[D13 - Dr. F is painting something. The rear of his pants are covered
with what looks like the "Troll Butt", only plated with metal]
DR.F: [starts to sit] Well, I certainly - YOWCH! [jumps up, rubbing the
big metal butt] Darned prosthetic buttocks - that's the last time I
install new bathroom technology with directions I get from the 'net!
Anyway, I hope you little nanites have learned your lesson: from now
on, stay away from quality films! Next time, I won't be as lenient.
[SOL]
CROW: Ah, c'mon, ya big weenie, give us your best shot!
SERVO: That's right, we can take anything you got, pal!
MIKE: You know it, fellas - we're a lean, mean, humor machine!
GYPSY: Yeah, even!
[D13]
DR.F: Oh, really? Hmmm! Ah, look my CD's are here! [holds up CD boxes]
You should enjoy these! "Tuvok Live! At the Sands", "Quark & Odo's
Greatest Hits", and "Will Riker: Unplugged"!
[SOL - Red Lights start flashing, allarums and diversion ensue]
ALL: YAAAAHHHH!!!! TAKE COVER!!!!!!! [All run off]
[D13]
DR.F: [smugly] That's what I thought! Wimps! [puts the Quark/Odo CD in
his Walkman© and resumes painting] Now, I gotta finish this mallard -
they may put it on the new 29-cent stamp.
MRS.F: [dressed in a policewoman outfit, carrying a huge paper grocery
sack] Howyadoin' there, Clay?
DR.F: I'm done with the mallard, Mar -uh, mother! What do you think?!?
[turns canvas around to show a dot-to-dot picture of Daffy]
MRS.F: ooh, that's real nice there, ya sure. Oh, hey, I got yer, um,
whattayacallem, yer nightcrawlers here!
DR.F: Ah, and just in time for dinner. It's Gagh, Minnesota-style,
tonight! Well, until next time, Hughie Hogg!! [Forrester sits down
hard on the prosthetics, and -] YAAAAHHHHH!!!! [Bounds up, knocking
easel, Pearl, and the nightcrawlers onto the button, and - ]
*FWOOOOSH!!!*
----------------------------------------------------------------------------"THE
AFRODISIANS/APHRODISIANS": by G. Moore
"WHO MOURNS FOR HAZZARD": by Alexander Ring
MiSTING: by Bill Livingston
MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED: by Michael K. Neylon
THE PROBABILITY BROACH: by L. Neil Smith
TIGER: by the tail
DIRECTIONS: Brown hamburger, drain, add other ingredients. Cover and simmer
on medium for 10 minutes. Stir until thick. Serves 4-6.
THANKS: to MiSTies, MuSTies, the teachers of America, Gene Roddenberry, Huey Lewis, The
News, and whoever invented peanut butter.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and © Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Haikeeba!
Star Trek and Star Trek The Next Generation and all related characters and
situations are trademarks of and © Viacom. All rights reserved (oh yeah, you
better believe it, pal!).
The Dukes of Hazzard and all related characters and situations are
trademarks of and © Warner Brothers (and, presumably, the Warner Sister,
Dot). All rights reserved.
All these and other characters used here are copyright their respective
creators and/or owners. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for
entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by others is intended or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or
should be implied; really. No, really.
Soundtrack available on RCA Gramophone Records, Tapes, and 8-Tracks
Keep circulating the posts.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------> "Jim! There are madman running around on the ship!"
Bill Livingston
Previously on "It's...", I wrote:
>Well, here's my latest contribution to world peace, harmony, and the quest
>for the perfect cheeseburger - the MiSTing of 2 Star Trek Fanfics.
[Snip - yeee-hah!]
>Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery (such as a digital watch) 30
>minutes after reading these fanfics. Do not taunt the fanfics. If doctor
>persists, see your condition.
Obviously, I should have listened to my own warning. I don't know why my
newsreader did this, but the second part of the story is the second part of this
thread. The First part of this story is the next post. If this confuses anyone
(and I know it does me), I can repost, or, better yet, just mail the whole
shebang to you.
Bill L.
Boo on WinVn!