MSTIED: WT - 08: Spam Carnage Endurance Challenge! [1/1]
The_First_Delta_Knight
this in exactly 14 minutes, much like a KTMA episode.
WT - 08: Spam Carnage Endurance Challenge!
[SOL]
[MIKE & the BOTS are behind the desk]
MIKE: Hello, welcome to the show. We don't really have time to talk. See, here
on the Satellite of Love there aren't too many forms of exercise machines. So,
once every so often, we like to challenge ourselves in the only way we can: The
Spam Carnage Endurance Challenge!
CROW: Here's the way the game is played. We, the participants in this exercise,
will go into the theater and plug into the feed directly.
SERVO: We then go into an old, outdated mailbox of mine...
CROW: And take a random number...
MIKE: Go to that email...
SERVO: And riff till we drop!
MIKE: [to bots] So, is everyone ready?
CROW: What about Gypsy?
SERVO: Oh, she'll just screw us up.
MIKE: Well, lemme just inform the evil dudes... using Cambot's new answering
machine... [he plugs in a tape right below the camera]
ALL: WE HAVE ENDURANCE SIGN!
[6...5...4...3...2...1... THEATRE]
> Netscape 4.01 is launched.
> In the location bar, "www.hotmail.com" is typed.
> The login name is typed, obscured by the planet symbol.
> In the password blank, ******* appears.
SERVO: All right, Mike, pick a number.
MIKE: 14!
SERVO: All right!
> The 14th email is accessed.
> A spam link is clicked
CROW: Let the best man... or robot... or living creature... win.
> From: abiz...@hotmail.com
MIKE: Those acronyms are just ADORABLE...
> Date: Fri, 29 May 98 23:40:59 EST
> To: fri...@JUNO.com
SERVO: Legit? I wonder...
> Subject: The TOOLS You need to get the Job Done....
>
> Hello Fellow Marketer,
CROW: [as Spam, seedy tone] We are writing this note to inform you that our
period of "friendly" competition is over... prepare to die.
>
> We have everything you need to promote your online
> business and target your advertising!!
>
> The "Master Marketers Resource CD."
MIKE: That could really use a "2000" at the end.
>
> This CD has over 20 Million categorized, targeted and
> general email addresses! Targeted email addresses are
SERVO: --marked to die within months.
> by far the most expensive... but for a limited time, we
> are including them on the Master Marketers Resource CD.
>
> Do not be mistaken... this offer is not like any other
> you have ever received.
CROW: This one doesn't even *pretend* to be legit!
> We have seen randomly gathered
> email address CD's selling for as much as $249.00
> Just one I received today was offering 15 million AOL
> addresses for $189.95!!
MIKE: Oh, that one was probably the "2 Kewl age/sex finder 4 u!"
> They were not targeted, categorized,
> or nothing! Just 15 million AOL addresses of who knows what.
>
> We also have AOL addresses on the Master Marketers
> Resource CD; 4,000,000...
SERVO: The joke is, they *signed up* for inclusion.
> We also have addresses of
> Business Opportunity Seekers; 1,000,000...
CROW: That sounds like a Jim Whaley production.
> Adult Web Site
> Subscribers; 135,000 (we sell this list alone for $250.00 -
MIKE: So how is this any better than the other ones?
> but it is included on this Resource CD).
>
> Investor oriented addresses; 300,000... E-Mail addresses
> sorted by city; 200,000... General consumer lists; 290,000
CROW: Email addresses of all those who ever said the words "phat" and "da
bomb..." 1,000,000...
> Email addresses of those interested in Health; 230,000...
SERVO: Email addresses of the girls who wouldn't have anything to do with you in
high school... 600,000...
> and over 150,000 Food Enthusiasts!! Make no mistake!!...
MIKE: Delete this email promptly.
> this is by far the best collection of email addresses available
> anywhere.
CROW: I heard Time/Life was putting together a better one...
SERVO: "Email addresses of the 70's and 80's."
>
> In all... there are 11 categories (over 2,500,000 of targeted
> email addresses) and over 20,000,000 addresses from the top
> three internet/online providers.
MIKE: The ones who target people stupid enough to listen to junk like this.
> We have also included a
> remove/undeliverable list that's over 100 meg in size!! We
> have already cleaned the addresses on the Master Marketer
> Resource CD using this massive remove file...
CROW: --So now they're scratched and won't run.
> they are ready to
> mail right now.
>
>
> As A Special Bonus...
SERVO: We'll sell you your soul!
>
> In addition to the email addresses... we have also included
> on the CD over 30 CGI Scripts (one will hide where your
> mail is being sent to on your order forms - must have for
> taking orders).
MIKE: [shiftly] That way they'll never know if the email is for them!
> There are forum scripts, chat scripts and
> just about any other cgi script you will ever need.
CROW: Script is so hard to read... why can't they give us a print version?
>
> We have also included over 50 java scripts! Many are
> scripts for adding rotating banners to your site, adding
> scrolling ticker and marque messages and scripts that password
> protect a page on your web site.
SERVO: Scripts that any old moron can find on the Web and copy into his own
crummy little scum of a page!
>
> We have also included demos of over 15 of the top bulk
> email programs on the Internet. Stealth, Rapid Fire, NetContact
> and many more! We have also included demo's of email address
> harvesters like Hurricane, Grabber and Atomic Harvestor that
> let you extract fresh email addresses out of forums and
> right out of web pages.
CROW: [Dr. Frankenstein] We need fresh corpses!
>
> There is much more on the CD than we can go into on a short
> letter like this one (there is over 10 html editors, over
> 200 marketing reports and more).
MIKE: Would *you* buy a product from a company that didn't even know simple
rules of English grammer?
> In all... in addition to
> the bulk email and html editors...
CROW: [as spam] Hold on, I'm thinking here...
> there is over 20 of the
> top software programs on the Internet. From programs that
> keep you connected to the Internet... to programs that let
> you accept checks online (this one is a registered version)!
SERVO: Registered to the president, yes, but registered...
>
> You will save hours (if not weeks) in download time as we have
> included the top shareware and freeware programs available
> anywhere.
MIKE: Yes, because we all know how many 70 megabyte shareware programs there are
out there.
>
> If you are serious about making money on the Internet... you
CROW: --Will probably not be dumb enough to fall for this hokey spam.
> must have the Master Marketers Resource Cd! There is nothing
> like it currently available!
SERVO: Except for the previously mentioned 250.00 CDrom out there...
>
> If you are ready to target your advertising... you can order
> the Master Marketers Resource CD by completing the form
> below. Don't miss out... we are only selling a limited number
> of the Master Marketer Resource CD's.
MIKE: [as spam] We'll *only* sell CD's that have been ordered! Hurry! Don't miss
out!
> In order to preserve the
> responsiveness of the addresses, this offer may be withdrawn
> at anytime.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------
> Please note: Most of the software on the CD is shareware.
CROW: [as spam] Oops. Did we say shareware? We meant shovelware.
> If
> you like it... buy it. We have included the programs because
> we feel most are pertinent to Internet marketing.
SERVO: --In that even an idiot, it seems, can download these and SELL them on a
CD, without the author getting a fat nickel.
> -----------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> "You can buy from the REST or you can buy from the BEST." Your choice.
>
>
> >>> NOW ONLY $169.00!
>
> This price is effective for the next seven days, thereafter the price
> will be $249.00 so ORDER NOW!
CROW: [sarcastic] Oh, that's a good incentive.
>
> To order our email package, simply print out the EZ ORDER FORM
> below and fax or mail it to our office today.
>
> We accept Visa, Mastercard, Discover, Amex and Checks by Fax and Mail.
MIKE: Sorry, no COD's.
SERVO: Since there won't BE a delivery...
>
> _________________
> EZ Order Form
>
>
> _____Yes! I would like to order the Master Marketers Resource CD
> Email addresses and much, much more for only $169.00.
SERVO: [mimicking spam] "Yes, I am a complete doofus and a waste of human skin,
and am evil and stupid enough to think that anyone besides idiots like myself
listen to any kind of spam that I, being a complete brainless moron, could
compose."
>
>
> *Please select one of the following for shipping..
>
> ____I would like to receive my package OVERNIGHT. I'm including
> $15 for shipping. (outside US add an additional $25 for shipping)
>
> ____I would like to receive my package 2 DAY delivery. I'm including
> $10 for shipping. (outside US add an additional $25 for shipping)
CROW: Fascinating.
>
>
>
> You may fax your order to us at: 1-954-252-3726
>
> CHECK BY FAX SERVICES!
>
> If you would like to fax a check,
MIKE: --Then you need to go into therapy.
> paste your check below and fax it to
> our office along with all forms to: 1-954-252-3726
>
> ******************************************************
>
> ***24 HOUR FAX SERVICES*** PLEASE PASTE YOUR
>
> CHECK HERE AND FAX IT TO US AT 1-954-252-3726
CROW: They really seem to be into this "fax" thing...
>
>
> *******************************************************
>
> If You fax a check, there is no need for you to send the original check.
> We will draft up a new check, with the exact information from your
> original check.
SERVO: We'd be honest... ba-ROOO-hahahahahahha!
> All checks will be held for bank clearance.
>
> If you feel more comfortable sending payment through the mail,
> please send all forms and Check or Money Order to:
MIKE: Dickweed helpline, 1000 Get Help lane, Sucker, HA, 11111.
>
> Advanced Direct Marketing Systems
> 10223-B UNIV. CITY BLVD. #197
> CHARLOTTE, NC 28213
> (The spam ends)
CROW: Well, that was a nice practice...
SERVO: I think a little rusty in parts...
MIKE: Hey, not bad for a single run through...
CROW: Maybe we should start doing this weekly.
SERVO: [a little frightened] I dunno about that one...
[they get up and leave]
[1...2...3...4...5...6... SOL]
[MIKE is on camera, everyone else is gone]
MIKE: Well, there you have it. Please stay tuned for "Highlander VI: And You
Thought the Second One Was Bad!" We'll be doing a more polished MSTing soon.
It'll be the conclusion to Past, Present, and Future. Until then, stay well, and
may the Riff always be with you.
[poof]
Writer: Weretorgo (BG)
Conceptual Imagery: Weretorgo
Sketcher: Weretorgo
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This MSTing posted with Netscape 4.0
> There is much more on the CD than we can go into on a short
> letter like this one (there is over 10 html editors, over
> 200 marketing reports and more).
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Captain Infinity
The_First_Delta_Knight wrote:
>Please note, before flooding me with your comments as you always do (^_^) that I wrote
>this in exactly 14 minutes, much like a KTMA episode.
This post is off-topic for alt.fan.tom-servo, and therefore on-topic.
BTW, this reply took exactly 36 seconds, much like 9 average shots in a
typical MTV video.
MTV is also off-topic in aft-s, and therefore on-topic.
**
Captain Infinity
..."I think they should build a big shoe
and jump up and down on them." --Crow, re: Phase IV
Mortis
>In article <366B1727...@nettaxi.com>
>The_First_Delta_Knight wrote:
>
>>Please note, before flooding me with your comments as you always do (^_^) that I wrote
>>this in exactly 14 minutes, much like a KTMA episode.
>
>This post is off-topic for alt.fan.tom-servo, and therefore on-topic.
>
>BTW, this reply took exactly 36 seconds, much like 9 average shots in a
>typical MTV video.
>
>MTV is also off-topic in aft-s, and therefore on-topic.
Captain, you explaining things that are off-topic is *also* off-topic.
And me telling you that what you are telling everyone else is
off-topic is off-topic too.
(umm.....what was the question?)
Mortis
Master of the Unknown, KPS
Nebulosis defunctus
"They will learn to fear everything pink, fuzzy and cute!"
Skyrocket
who wouldn't go out with you in high school" and Time-Life riffs. Good
job!