MSTed: Stephen Ratliff's "A Royal Mess", Part Two (1/7)
Mighty Jack
"And what ever happened to the people or person MSTing 'A Royal Mess'?"
-- Stephen Ratliff, posted to r.a.t.m.m. on January 17, 1997.
Stephen Ratliff's "A Royal Mess, Part Two" was (finally!) MSTed by:
David Hines (co-editor) : dhi...@kruncher.ptloma.edu
Mighty Jack (co-editor) : mity...@net.bluemoon.net
Matt Blackwell : mbla...@ix.netcom.com
Joseph Nebus : neb...@rpi.edu
Tom Salyers : tsal...@dimensional.com
Contributing writer: Bill Livingston
[Season Nine opening sequence.]
[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]
[SOL]
[The bridge is empty.]
Magic Voice: Previously, on "MUT3K"...
[Cambot scrolls Suzanne Schroeder's MSTing of the first half of "A Royal
Mess" up the screen *very* quickly. The entire 75K text file zooms by
from start to finish in about five seconds.]
Magic Voice: There! Now that you've all been brought up to speed, please
enjoy the conclusion of Stephen Ratliff's "A Royal Mess".
We now return you to our regularly scheduled host segment,
already in progress....
[Dissolve to...]
[SOL]
[The Bridge is dark and deserted. A makeshift barricade, consisting
of boxes and other random pieces of furniture, has been erected
in front of the theater doors. Boards have been nailed across
the Hexfield. Off in the distance, sounds of activity can be
heard.]
Tom : [O.S.] Quick! I need that rivet gun over here! Stat!
Mike: [O.S.] They're getting closer!
Tom : [O.S.] I'm evacuating the mess hall!
Crow: [O.S.] Wierzbowski!? Wierzbowski!?
Mike: [O.S.] Where's Apone?
Tom : [O.S.] The sarge is dead, man! Let's get the %^#@ out
of here!
[Gypsy enters.]
Gypsy: Hi everyone!
[Tom dashes in.]
Tom : Mike! I can't hold them off much longer!
Mike: [O.S.] Keep trying!
[Tom dashes out of view.]
Gypsy: Welcome back to the Satellite of Love! Things are a
bit hectic around here today.
[Crow rushes onto the Bridge.]
Crow: They've broken through the security perimeter! Take
cover, everyone! AIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!
[Crow exits, screaming.]
Gypsy: It seems that a nasty rumor got started back on Earth
that, well, Cambot was that thing that holds Pokemon....
[Throngs of normal looking people rush onto the Bridge. Instantly,
they begin to overturn things, frantically looking for something.
They start to shake Cambot, causing the picture to shake also.]
Gypsy: ... well, you can see what happened.
Voice: Where are they?!
Voice 2: They've got to be around here somewhere!
Voice 3: Got to catch them all! Got! To! Catch! Them! All!
Voice 4: Hey! There's a new breed of them over here!
Crow: [O.S.] Ahhh!!! Keep away from me!
Voice 4: Awww! Listen to it! It almost sounds like it's
really saying words!
Voice 5: And this one looks like a gumball machine!
Tom : [O.S.] Nooo! I'll cut you! I swear that I will!
[A harried woman, looking remarkably like Bridget Jones, rushes
over to Gypsy.]
Bridget: Hey! Maybe there's more of them inside this purple
hamper thing!
[Bridget begins to try to pry open Gypsy's mouth. Suddenly
shotgun blasts can be heard offstage. The crowd quickly scatters.
Mike enters moments later, brandishing a shotgun. He continues
to fire as he speaks.]
Mike: I [blam!] told [blam!] you [blam!] we [blam!] don't [blam!]
have [blam!] any [blam!] of those [blam!] damn [blam!]
Pokemon [blam!] here! [blam!]
[Mike lowers the shotgun. Crow and Servo quickly pop up behind him.]
Mike: See? And you two thought that my playing Doom was just
a big waste of time. [He turns to the camera.] We'll be right
back.
[Mike hits the flashing commercial light and the planet logo appears.]
Mike: [O.S.] Yeah! Who's da man?!
Crow: {O.S.] Calm down, Mike.
[Commercial.]
[Slowly, white words begin to form on a featureless black screen...]
Coming soon, a collaboration of two of the most creative minds on the
planet.
An epic piece of work from the minds of the creator of Cats, Joseph and
the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, Jesus Christ Superstar and Phantom of
the Opera, and the creator of the acclaimed Star Trek: The Next Generation
spin-off, "The Marrissa Stories."
[The blackness disappears and we can see throngs of cheering Federation
citizens, all singing...]
Crowd: Ma-rris-sa!
Ma-rris-sa!
Ma-rris-sa!
Ma-rris-sa!
It's Andrew Lloyd Weber and Stephen Ratliff's "Marrissa!"
[Marrissa, clad in an admiral's uniform, steps onto a raised podium.
Beside her is her husband, Jay Gordon. The crowd cheers wildly. She
steps to the microphone and begins to sing.]
Marrissa: "Don't cry for me, Federation..."
Coming soon.
[SOL]
[The bots are busily cleaning up the mess left by the throng of maddened
shoppers. Mike stands in the back, strutting around proudly.]
Crow: [to Tom] You know, Cambot does look like that dispenser thing....
Mike: Yeah. I came. I saw. I kicked their collective asses! Woo-hoo!
Tom : Mike, can you tone it down a bit?
Crow: Yeah, we're glad that you saved us and all, but jeez, you don't
have to rub our noses in it.
Mike: I have become death, destroyer of worlds, and protector of Cambot!
Tom : Well, you've got the "destroyer of worlds" part down pat.
Mike: Hey!
[The Mads light on the console begins to flash.]
Crow: Mike? Tickle-me Pearl, Bobo, and Observer are calling.
Mike: Oh, all right. [Mike hits the light.] Mike Nelson, Galactic Hero
speaking.
[Castle Forrester]
[The Castle is festively decorated for Easter. Lilies, colored eggs and
wicker baskets filled with plastic grass are everywhere. Cases of
Peeps (R), those tasty, edible marshmallow chickens, are stacked in the
background. Pearl stands in the foreground, dressed in her usual outfit.
A displeased Observer stands behind her, wearing a pair of bunny rabbit
ears. His brain also wears a pair of ears. Bobo wanders about in the
background, occasionally stooping down to pick up an egg and put it in
his Easter basket.]
Pearl: Easter greetings, Nelson! We've got a really, eggs-tra special
treat for you today....
[SOL]
Crow: You'll be showing us a super chunk of old "Speed Buggy" cartoons?
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Um, no. It seems that you three have some unfinished business
to take care of. I'll let Bobo explain....
[Bobo steps into view, carrying a thick sheaf of paper.]
Bobo: Hi Mike! You see, my story begins when the Lawgiver sent me
out to search for Easter eggs. You know, I never knew how
enjoyable an activity that was! I've been hunting and searching
and hunting and searching and hunting and searching for quite some
time now, and I feel greatly refeshed. It's almost as if I've
regressed to the presentient days of gorilla-dom! Well, except
I'm not wearing a tutu and riding a tricycle. Perhaps I should
write up an article for the journals....
Pearl: [interrupting] Get to the point!
Bobo: Oh. Right. Anyway, I was searching in the basement, and
beneath this lovely speckled blue egg, I found a most
interesting story. [Mumbling] Then I found someone's head.
It had a spit curl on it, of all things...
[Pearl interrupts again.]
Pearl: You see, Mikey, my beloved Clayton left behind an unfinished
story...
Observer: Pearl, I don't mean to interrupt, but must I wear these
accursed ears?
Pearl: Brain Guy. We had a deal. You wear the ears, I give you
the peeps. Remember? Now do you want those delicious
marshmallow chickens or not?
Observer: Yes, ma'am.
Pearl: Then you wear the ears, got it? Anyway, Mike. It seems that
you began to watch this thing, and then you stopped halfway
through it....
[SOL]
Tom : Oh no. There aren't even *more* Master Ninja films, are there?
Mike: What?
Crow: We'll tell you later.
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: No, no, no. It's even worse. It's a story by one of your
*favorite* authors.
Observer: I believe that his name is, oh, what was it...? Pearl,
do you remember who wrote this?
Pearl: [Grinning evilly] Why, yes. Yes I do. I believe that it
was a Mister Stephen Ratliff.
[SOL]
[The crew looks stunned. After a moment, Mike gulps and speaks.]
Mike: Well, we've survived Ratliff before. Heck, some of his recent
stuff is pretty good.
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Well, that may be the case, but this *isn't* a recent story.
It's a vintage *1995* Ratliff story.
[SOL]
[Mike has gone pale. The bots' jaws are hanging open.]
Crow: Oh. My. God.
Tom : What did we do to deserve this?
Mike: Pearl, you inhuman monster!
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: That's right, Mike. Prepare yourself for the *second* half
of Stephen Ratliff's "A Royal Mess"....
[SOL]
Mike: Er, wait a minute. I don't remember a first half to this one.
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: You don't? You must have. You've read all of these...
[SOL]
Crow: Wait a minute, Mike. I remember this one. Joel was in
the theater on this one. You were trapped in Limboland.
Tom : You mentioned something about talking to a skeleton....
Crow: Remember? This was just after Gypsy and Tom flushed your
underwear out the airlock?
Tom : Crow!
Mike: Oh yeah. [pause] Well, can you fill me in?
Crow: I think so. It inexplicably starts out with the Epilogue.
Marrissa does some paperwork.
Tom : Then Chromedome wanders in and babbles for a while.
Crow: Then the story begins anew.
Tom : The Royal Family of Essex decides to get some pizza.
Crow: They all die in an explosion, except for Vicky, the
activities director.
Tom : Riker and Marrissa play "Speed Racer" on the holodeck.
Crow: Meanwhile, the Prime Minister arrives to comfort poor,
grief-stricken Vicky.
Tom : Then Romulans seize control of *another* starship.
Crow: Except the valiant Kid's Crew of the ship escape the
Romulan's grasp.
Tom : Again.
Crow: Marrissa shows Jean-Luc and Beverly around a ship that
they've lived on for years.
Tom : Then Admiral Yrev Tpurroc calls, but he doesn't use
10-10-321.
Crow: Vroom! Off goes the Enterprise to Essex. After all,
they'll do a much better job at investigating a murder
than the police will.
Tom : Parliament babbles a bit about something or another.
Crow: Then Parliament blows up too.
Tom : We suspect a Ford Pinto was involved.
Crow: Marrissa then browbeats her henchmen for a while.
Tom : Then Vicky shows up on the Enterprise looking for
Isaac and Gopher.
Crow: Marrissa is ordered to run a security drill to continue
her reign of terror on the crew.
Tom : Jay Gordon wanders around the holodeck for a bit.
Crow: And then Data and Geordi have to dress up like women
so that they can get an apartment.
Tom : See? It's all very simple.
Mike: So it's a normal Marrissa story then.
Crow: Yep.
Mike: Okay. [He turns towards the screen.] All right, Pearl,
do your worst.
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: It's your funeral, Mike. Here it comes... "A Royal Mess, Part
Two." Now start hopping down the bunny trail and get into that
theater! Brain Guy, send it to them.
Observer: Gladly.
[Cue sound as Observer uses that brain voodoo that he do so well to
send the fanfic.]
[SOL]
[Lights flash, buzzers buzz and pandemonium erupts.]
Mike: AHHH!!!! WE'VE GOT LONG DELAYED RATLIFF SIGN!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!!!
[..6..]
[..5..]
[..4..]
[..3..]
[..2..]
[..1..]
[Theater]
[Mike, Tom and Crow enter and sit down.]
Mike: So, three years to get to this point, huh?
Tom : Yep.
Mike: This is going to hurt, isn't it?
Crow: Uh-huh.
>Chapter Five
Mike: ...and let Samson, Powers and Welles help *you* with your Chapter
Five filing.
>
> Normally Lieutenant Commander Worf commanded Beta shift.
Tom: He usually commanded it to "SLEEEEEEEEEPPPP!!!".
>However he was busy on the planet supervising the gathering of
>evidence on the planet's surface,
Mike: ...planting the occasional bloody glove here and there.
> so Lieutenant junior grade Ross
>Lockard,
Crow: a.k.a. "The suck up"
> the normal Beta shift tactical officer, was in command as
>senior officer on the bridge. "Worf to the bridge," came the Security
>Chief's voice.
Tom: At the bridge, Riker will play us through and then Data will
launch into the chorus, okay?
> "Yes, Commander," Ross replied.
> "Begin drill Saboteur one," Worf said. "Reminder: no phasers are
>to be used. Worf out."
Mike: (as Worf) You are restricted to wedgies and sissy slap-fighting.
> "Just great, I bet Marrissa is behind this," Ross muttered.
Crow: (as Ross) But I totally approve! How brilliant!
> Then the tactical officer, Ensign Henderson announced,
Tom: (as Henderson) If I see that blasted "Yo quiero Taco Bell" dog again,
I'm going to go postal!
Mike: (as Ross) Okay. Thanks for sharing. Anyone else?
Crow: (as Navigation) I'm tired of seeing all of those psychic hotline ads.
Mike: (as Ross) Great! We're making real progress here, people!
> "the
>lights on decks 3,4,5,6, and 7 just went out."
Tom: Those wacky engineers cross-circuited life support and the staff
Christmas tree again!
> Ross Lockard moved his had toward
Crow: Say!
> the control on the Captain's
>chair which controlled Engineering.
Crow: Rats!
Mike: Crow, you don't really want a Marrissa lemon, do you?
Crow: Eeewww... good point, Mike.
Tom: Last time he touched Marrissa's hinder, a whole ship full of aliens
died because of it.
> "I wouldn't do that if I were you," a
>voice familiar to Lieutenant Lockard said.
Mike: (as Ross) How'd the voice of "Naughty Nancy" get in here?
> He drew back his finger
>instinctively. "Why?" asked the Lieutenant.
Crow: (as Ren Hoek) *BECAUSE IT'S THE HISTORY ERASER BUTTON, YOU FOOL!!!*
> There was no response so
>Ross again moved his finger toward the button.
Crow: (as you-know-who) Push the button, Frank.
Mike: Crow, face it. He's gone.
> "I wouldn't do that if I were you," the voice said again.
Tom: (as HAL) Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?
> Ross Lockard withdrew again. Then getting up his courage once
>again his finger approached the button.
Mike: (as Cowardly Lion) Courage!
> "I wouldn't do that if I were you," the voice said a third
>time.
Crow: The story that unabashedly repeats itself.
> Ross pressed the button.
Tom: (as Ross) Ha! See this, disembodied voice?! I'm pressing the
*HELL* out of this button!
[A noise like "Fwoosh" is heard as the image on the screen contracts to
a single point, surrounded by darkness.]
Mike: [O.S.] Hah, hah. Very funny. Turn the screen back on, please.
Tom: [O.S.] I don't know if that's a good idea....
Crow: [O.S.] Yeah, sitting in the dark might be preferable to continuing
on with this story.
Tom: [O.S.] I mean, it has taken us three years to get to this point....
Mike: [O.S.] We're getting this over with. I am not going to have this
story hanging over my head for another three years!
Tom: [O.S.] All right, all right. Turn the screen back on!
[A click is heard and the image of Mike and the Bots and the theater
slowly fades back into view.]
Mike: Okay Ratliff. Do your worst.
> A large quantity of strawberry juice
>materialized above the Lieutenant.
Crow: The weird part is that Marrissa actually set that up for herself....
Tom: (as Ross, looking up) Huh. Wonder what's keeping that juice
from falling? Oh well...
> The voice said, "I told you not to
>do that."
Mike: And Lieutenant Commander Screwy Squirrel earns a formal reprimand.
> The wet and sticky Lieutenant
All: Eeewwww!!
> got up and moved toward the door
Crow: ... to start a bloody rampage throughout the ship as he realized
that what he was actually soaked in was pig's blood.
>to the head. He moved his hand to touch the control which opened the
>door. "I wouldn't do that either," the voice continued,
Tom: (as Ross) Well, geez, what *would* you do if you were me?!
> "At least not
>until you get someone to start looking for me and finding everything I
>have disabled."
Mike: Boy, God is just out to *get* Ross today, isn't he?
> "Ensign Henderson, you have the bridge while I clean up,"
Tom: Henderson? Mr. Kegger himself? Woo-hoo! Party!
> Ross
>said. "Contact Engineering and have them do something about those lights.
Mike: (as Ross) Have them pass around candles or something.
>Start a search for the Saboteur."
Crow: (as Henderson) Sir? I'm getting approximately 244,562 hits on that
word from Yahoo.
Mike: (as Ross) Damn. Try Hotbot then. But stay away from Webcrawler!
> Ross pressed the button to open the door,
>only to find he faced a wall of water.
Tom: And Wonder Twin Zan stops by to help out!
> The force field holding it back
>released and Ross was sprayed with kiloliters of water.
Mike: That's good, Marrissa, just spew hundreds of gallons of water
into a vital area of the ship with sensitive circuitry
everywhere. I'm sure nothing could go wrong.
> "Get someone to clean up this mess," Ross ordered walking across
>the bridge.
Crow: *snort* "Walking"? How about *"wading"*? Ever see *one* kiloliter
of water before, Steve?
Tom: Oh, and by the way, the water shorted out phaser control, opening
fire and wiping out the entire planet. Better send a condolence card.
Mike: At least it wasn't me this time.
> "One bath towel," he said as he reached the replicator.
Tom: (as voice) I wouldn't do that if I were you....
Mike: You sass that hoopy Ross Lockard? There's a frood who knows where
his towel is.
>
> Meanwhile Marrissa and her friend were having fun.
Crow: And, in the world according to Ratliff, that's all that matters.
> "Clara tell
>me how can I get the heat detection grid off-line," Marrissa asked.
Tom: (as Marrissa) I want to see how many fires we can start....
>"Without the bridge knowing, please."
> "Deck Five Section Seven Alpha, Jefferies tube 27,"
Mike: Ooh. Right in the stylish section of the Jefferies tubes!
> Clara
>replied. "Replace chip 34 in the sensor access panel with a repeater
>chip. It will look like a chip failure only after about five to
>ten minutes."
Crow: Darn foreign imports!
Tom: Olestra -- for all your chip failures!
> "Shayna replace that chip," Marrissa ordered.
Mike: (as Shayna) Is that a ZIF socket or do I need to dig out
the chip puller?
> "Alexander, delay
>the security officers searching deck eight section 17 Baker.
Crow: (as Marrissa) Go down there and tell them there's snakes in the
turbolift. They're a-scared of snakes.
> Clara, I
>want every senior officer on board breathing down Lieutenant Lockard neck,
>but I don't want them on the bridge."
Tom: (as Marrissa) Why, if we let them up there, adults might solve their
own problems!
> "I can do that if you take out the turbolifts to the bridge,"
Mike: (as Marrissa) That way, we can have a nice big elevator shaft by the
Bridge. It'll add a certain touch of class to the place!
>Clara replied.
> "Already done, Lieutenant Lockard will be begging for a transfer
>when I am done," Marrissa grinned wickedly.
Tom: (as Marrissa) Now, if I can just do this to every senior member of the
crew, then the Enterprise will be mine! BWAH-HA-HA!!!!
Crow: All she needs now is some white-face makeup and she could be the
new clown prince of crime.
> "I thought you liked Ross," Clara commented.
Mike: She does. That's the scary part.
> "I do but he called me Risa last night and very few get away
>with that," Marrissa replied.
Tom: (as Marrissa) He's lucky I'm letting him live.
> "I just added the Doctor to that list and
Crow: (as Marrissa) ... I get to call her "Snugglecakes" in exchange.
>I don't intend to add anyone to that list for quite some time,
Mike: I wonder if *we're* on that list....
> like forty
>or fifty years. When you are done meet me in guest suite 07-0208. Now
>lets get going.
Tom: We gotta take our show to Broadway!
> We've got some adults to fool."
Mike: Like that's any challenge in Ratliff's world.
Crow: (as Homer Simpson) You couldn't fool me on the foolingest day of your
life if you had an electrified fooling machine!
>
> After taking care of a couple systems, Marrissa wandered over to
>guest suite 07-0208. She moved to open the door and instead of the doors
>opening as they did in an unoccupied suite they announced her presence.
Tom: In other words, she bopped her nose on the door.
>"Great, I arrange a meeting place and Data assigns someone to the room a
>couple minutes later," Marrissa muttered. "Well, it would be impolite to
>runaway after ringing the doorbell."
Mike: At least before throwing the eggs and T.P.'ing the potted plants,
I guess.
Crow: Okay, so she douses her friend with strawberry juice just before
turning the bridge into an aquarium, but *now* she's worried about
being impolite. Got it.
> Queen Victoria came to the door attired in a simple dress.
>Taking a brief appraisal of the girl at the door she said,
Tom: (as Victoria) GUARDS! *SHOOT TO KILL*!!!
> "You must be
>the famous Lieutenant Marrissa Picard. I am Lady - I mean Queen Victoria
>of Essex."
Crow: (as Marrissa) And I am Lieutenant - I mean Captain - I mean Admiral -
I mean Goddess Marrissa.
> "Sorry to disturb you, your Majesty," Marrissa said. "But I
>thought this cabin was empty."
Tom: (as Marrissa) Too bad for you... now you have to *die*.
> "The Admiral thought it wise for me to stay on the ship instead
>of returning to the Prime Minister's residence,"
Mike: (as Victoria) The Prime Minister has busy hands.
> the Queen replied. "Come
>in, I could use the company."
Crow (as announcer) We will return to Stephen Ratliff's production of
"The Queen And I" after these messages.
> "You are about to get more, Queen Victoria," Marrissa responded.
>"I set this cabin as the meeting place for my Kids crew after they finish
>their tasks. We are running an Intruder drill."
Tom: (as Victoria) So that's what's messing up the TV reception.
> "So you are trying to prove that children are smarter than the
>adults on this crew think," Queen Victoria said as Marrissa entered the
>room. "Oh and call me Victoria, I'm getting tired of this your Majesty
>thing."
Mike: (as Victoria) ... and of titles altogether. Want to hear all the
titles I have?
Crow: (as Marrissa) Okay! Can I call you Dave?
> "Just to the junior members of the crew, the senior staff knows
>better than to underestimate a bunch of kids," Marrissa replied.
Mike: After all, that's the major point of this particular series.
Tom: This and Scooby Doo.
> "Didn't you once burn that into a Cardassian warships starboard
>blade?" Victoria asked.
Mike: Ooh, he checked his Nitpicker's Guide To Stephen Ratliff before
writing this.
Crow: I can't imagine that book sold more than maybe 93 copies.
Tom: I thought what we do was the Nitpicker's Guide to Ratliff.
> "Yes I burnt that into the Gul Ducats ship," Marrissa said.
>"The full message was 'I was beaten by a bunch of kids.' but it was on
>the port blade. I later added the word twice to the inscription."
Mike: (as Marrissa) Basically, I carved my entire gospel on there.
> "Is it the right side or left starboard?" Victoria asked.
Mike: Let's hear it for the new Commander-In-Chief of Essex's military!
> "Right," Marrissa replied.
> "That explains it. I had the two mixed up,"
Crow: Right.
Tom: So, then, port is left?
Crow: Right.
Tom: Port is right?
Crow: No. Remember, the first thing you pick, port, is left.
Tom: So after that...
Crow: After that option's gone, starboard is left.
Tom: Which is right.
Crow: Right!
Tom: Which one's that?
Mike: The, uh, starboard sketch, ladies and gentlemen.
> the Queen replied
>as the door chimed.
Crow: No one will be seated during the intense and shocking "Port And
Starboard" scene! Do not reveal this scene to your friends!
> "Come in." Clara and Shayna entered the room. "These
>must be more of your crew."
Tom: (under his breath) The markings on their foreheads and hands gave it
away...
> "Yes, Ensign Clara Sutter, my First Officer for the last year,"
>Marrissa introduced, "and Shayna Sachs,
Mike: ... my Last Officer for the first year.
> who succeeded Clara as Chief
>Engineer.
Crow: After Clara was disqualified for appearing in PlayToddler.
> Clara, Shayna, this is Queen Victoria of Essex."
> "But don't call me your Majesty," Victoria replied.
Tom: Looks like the meeting of the "Overtitled Title-Haters Club" can come
to order now.
> "I've been
>looking forward to meeting you and your Kids crew ever since the Prime
>Minister told me that the Enterprise was on its way."
Mike: (as Victoria) He fled the planet after telling us that. I'm not sure
why...
> "Why us?" Shayna asked.
> "Yeah, Marrissa I can see, but us, we just follow orders," Clara
>added.
Crow: (with German accent) Ja, ja... ve just follow orders, mein fuhr...
I mean, Marrissa.
> "Clara, you are just about the most humble person I know,"
>Marrissa replied.
Tom: Next to Phil Rizutto, that is.
> "After that paper on warp speed asymptotes,
Mike: (as Marrissa) ... I doubt that anyone will ever take you seriously
again. I mean, what was the deal with the warp-powered jelly
doughnuts?
Tom: (as Clara, whining) They were just a metaphor!
> I don't think
>you can claim to be following orders any more."
> "I read that paper," Victoria said. "It was most enlightening."
> "You read the Cochrane Journal of Engineering?" Clara said.
Tom: In the future, Queens will be nerds!
Mike: Sure! Why not? She's royalty. The only demands on her day are
opening a shopping mall, and shooting documentaries on architecture
for PBS.
Crow: Note, it's the *Cochrane* Journal of Engineering, because scientific
history will go for 400 years with exactly *one* significant name.
> "I
>sent copies to several people after my article was published and they didn't
>read it. In fact Lieutenant Commander LaForge, the Chief Engineer, didn't
>read it."
Tom: (as Marrissa) Oh, he was too busy ogling me in my swimsuit, like all
the rabble.
Mike: Clara, try to understand... *nobody* reads junk mail!
Crow: But you'd think that Geordi's lack of a love life would give him lots
of free time to catch up on his reading.
> "I was the tenth in line to the throne until I ascended the
>throne," Victoria said. "I was considering a career as a commercial starship
>engineer."
Tom: (falsetto) This is your captain, Fergie, speaking. Our crusing
altitude today will be...
Mike: (as Victoria) ... until word got out that I couldn't tell my
"port" from my "starboard". Nobody wanted to hire me after that
for some reason.
> "Remember who did read your article, Clara," Shayna reminded.
Tom: (as Clara) Well, there was that Bolian barber, a couple guys named
Steve and Frank, Professors Howard, Fine and Howard and that
charming Ted Kaczynski person.
> "Counselor Troi, of all people, the only one who reads it,"
>Clara said. "I still can't figure out why her."
Crow: Oh. Here we go. "The Cochrane Journal of Engineering: An
Engineering Magazine for the Superfluous Personnel on a Starship."
Tom: Well, with Marrissa around, the entire bridge crew should be
reading it.
Mike: Knowing Troi, I'm guessing she likes the pretty pictures.
> "I can, she wants to know ahead of time when you are going to
>send Engineering to her with feelings of inadequacy," Marrissa replied.
Crow: There's a reminder for you, just in case that you've forgotten
that the Kid's Crew are heads and shoulders above every other
person in Starfleet.
Tom: Didn't Troi already explain this to Clara back in "Away From Home"?
> "It seems that you have quite a crew," Victoria said. "Are they
>all genius?"
Mike: (as Marrissa) They're pretty rock stupid actually. It's me, I tell
you, me!
> "No just in their fields," Marrissa said. "For instance Clara
>here is still having trouble with languages other than Federation Standard.
Crow: Other languages use *words* instead of Treknobabble. Who knew?
>I'm having a hard time in Warp Calculus."
All: [gasp]
Crow: Mike--did she... did she just admit an inadequacy? Hold me. I'm
scared.
Mike: Me too. Hold me, Tom.
Tom: I'm scared too! Hold me, um... um... oh, skip it.
> "Marrissa makes us want to study everything in our field,"
>Shayna responded.
Mike: (as Shayna) Which, in my case, means boys and shopping!
> "At least that way we can beat her in something," Clara chimed
>in. "We certainly can't beat her in the Kobayashi Maru or most other
>command simulations." The door chimed.
Tom: (as Clara) We're a tenth of a second less. We feel so inadequate.
> "Come in," Victoria asked. Alexander entered. "You must be the
>Chief of Security."
Crow: I must? Well, if you insist, Your Goofiness...
> "No he is the Chief of Operations and Second Officer, Alexander
>Roshenko," Marrissa corrected.
Tom: (as Alexander) Oh, the Klingon ALWAYS has to be Security. Racist pig!
> "This is Queen Victoria of Essex, Alex, but
>don't call her your Majesty."
Mike: Ladies and Gentlemen, Queen Victoria Ray Jay Johnson of Essex!
> "What should we call you?" Alexander said to the Queen.
Crow: Call her Dave! I dare ya!
> "Just Victoria please," the Queen replied.
Tom: (as Alexander) Hi there, Just Victoria!
[Crow and Mike turn to stare at Tom.]
> "Now that Alexander has arrived I better end the drill,"
>Marrissa said. "Lieutenant Picard to all on duty Engineering and Security
>personnel. Secure from drill.
Mike: Feeling mighty insecure about the awl, though.
> Security and Engineering must submit drill
>evaluations by 0900 hours tomorrow mourning to me.
Crow: Real nice of Marrissa to give the crew a chance to mourn their
losses after her sadistic little "drill".
> Lieutenant Lockard will
>submit Security's report."
Tom: Since everybody made it to Victoria's quarters, I think the drill
results will be: "We failed miserably."
> The door chimed.
Mike: Ah, the plot has arrived.
Crow: You're going to get your hopes up for these stories *now*, Mike?
> "Come in," Victoria said
> Admiral Picard and Lieutenant Commander Data entered. "Am I
>intruding?" Admiral Picard asked.
> "Not at all," Queen Victoria said.
> "If you've come for a private meeting, my friends and I can come
>back later," Marrissa said. "And Data,
Mike: (as Marrissa) My Tamagotchi is *not* your long-lost cousin Merv,
so give it back!
> I think you might want to update the
>empty quarters list more often."
Crow: And update the web site too!
> "Go on Marrissa," her father said.
> "Admiral, I suggest that Lieutenant Picard and Ensign Sutter
>remain behind," Data suggested.
Crow: (as the guy from "Robin Hood: Men In Tights") The rest of you can
bugger off!
> Admiral Picard shot Data
All: [gasp]
Tom: I did *not* see that coming. Wow, an actual plot twi--
> a puzzled glance as Shayna and
>Alexander left the room.
Tom: Oh. Well, now I'm bitter and disenchanted. Mike? You're not my
real father.
> "Commander Data has discovered the next five
>heirs to the throne," he said.
Mike: They were in the heir-brush, oddly enough.
Bots: Boo!!!
> "I thought you would want to know right away."
Tom: First is Dave Letterman.
Crow: Next is the lead singer of Men Without Hats.
Tom: Third is Stephen Ratliff.
Crow: Fourth is Pearl Forrester.
Tom: And last, but not least, Carrot Top! Thank you!
Mike: (as air traffic controller) We have ludicrous plot contrivance
coming in on Runway 12...
> "Thank you Captain," the Queen said. "Such knowledge is very
>important.
Crow: Now we can determine who killed Lady Fetheringstoneshaw and framed
her butler!
> Especially since the heir is responsible for bringing the crown
>to the highest ranking religious person who crowns me. Please begin."
Tom: (as pilot) Ah, roger that, tower... ludicrous plot contrivance has
lowered landing gear and is touching down.
> "Your heir, is the daughter of the late Earl Flores
Crow: Who, for all his wealth, couldn't afford a better name.
> who was the
>first son of the late Duke of Greenwich, Lieutenant Marrissa Amber Flores
>Picard, Chief Helmsman Starship Enterprise NCC-1701-E, adopted daughter of
>Admiral Jean-Luc Picard," Data said.
Tom: (as pilot) Ludicrous plot contrivance is down and proceeding to Gate
Four. Thank you for flying Ratliff Airlines.
Mike: (as Data, reciting) ... Lord High Mistress of the Kid's Crew,
defeater of the mighty Kobayashi Maru, Favored Child of the
Ratliffverse...
Crow: (as Picard) *Thank* you, Mr. Data, I think we get the idea.
> Marrissa gasped. Admiral Picard said, "Data I thought you could
>find no relatives of Marrissa."
Tom: Well, no one who wanted to admit to it, anyway.
Mike: (as Picard) I mean, we killed them all, didn't we? Data, we
exterminated the rest of them, right? RIGHT?!
> "Admiral it is always easier to work from a know ancestor down
>than up," Data explained.
Crow: (as Hayley Mills) We just had to work... *together*.
> "Apparently Marrissa's biological father had
>some disagreement which caused him to break off relations with his father
Tom: (as Data) Marrissa's father took the "less filling" stand, while his
family had been "tastes great" for generations.
>and listed his father as unknown on his application to Starfleet Academy.
>Of course, this is only conjecture."
Mike: Unless I mean postulate. Or maybe even corollary.
Crow: (as Data) My other theory involves a magical race of flying otters...
No, wait, listen to me...
> "No," Marrissa gulped. "It's not,
Tom: (nervously, speeding up) ... just remembered... I have to get...
to... Denmark! Bye!
> I remember a argument between
>my Mom and Dad about it. He said he didn't care to go talk to his father and
>Mom replied that I should at least be allowed to get to know him."
Crow: So, Marrissa knew that she was royalty then?
Mike: It explains a lot.
Tom: If she knew that she was royalty, then WHY BOTHER HAVING DATA DO A
SEARCH? YOU ALREADY KNEW THE ANSWER!
> "Well it seems I have adopted Royalty unawares," the Admiral
>said. "Continue, Data."
Mike: (as Picard) I might get some money out of this.
> "Second in line is also aboard ship as is the third," Data
>continued.
Crow: (sarcastically) What are the odds?
Tom: Sheesh, if this keeps up, the holographic doctor on Voyager will get
a shot at the throne.
> "Second is the great-grandson on a direct line of sons of the
>Fifth Duke of Yorkshire, Ensign Daniel Sutter.
Mike: So that's why everyone in engineering nicknamed him "Great-Grandson
of the Fifth Duke of Yorkshire"!
> Third is his daughter
>Clarrissa Ann Sutter."
Crow: Who appears to outrank her father.
> "Looks like we are both Princesses, Marrissa," Clara said,
>nervously.
Tom: (as Clara) You're not going to kill me, are you?
Mike: (as Bob Barker) And remember, in the event that the queen is unable
to perform her duties...
> "That is correct," Data said. "Fourth in line is Mary Sussex who
>is the daughter of the second son of Clara's great-grandfather. Fifth is
>somewhat in doubt,
Tom: (as Data) We expect him to be born in about five weeks.
> her son Martin was kidnapped and she herself attacked
>last week. According to reports it was close but Mary will survive. The
>fate of her ten year old is uncertain."
Crow: Knowing Ratliff, he'll become President of the Federation.
Mike: Oh, by the way, the actually elected, useful officials on the planet
are okay too.
Tom: (as Data) ... and sixth is the third son of the second cousin of the
Queen's college roommate's optometrist's aunt. From there it gets
sketchy.
> "Admiral, where is this Ensign Sutter," the Queen said. "I
>think we better go inform him."
> "He should be in Main Engineering," Clara replied.
Mike: Don't you hate it when relatives visit at work?
Crow: (as Clara) He found this little crack in the wall there right up
against the women's locker room.
[Commercials: Other networks continually cancel good shows, enabling your
network to pick up the rights for a song. Ever wonder?]
[Continued in Part 2]
Stephen Ratliff
wrote:
|
|"And what ever happened to the people or person MSTing 'A Royal Mess'?"
| -- Stephen Ratliff, posted to r.a.t.m.m. on January 17, 1997.
|
|Stephen Ratliff's "A Royal Mess, Part Two" was (finally!) MSTed by:
|
|David Hines (co-editor) : dhi...@kruncher.ptloma.edu
|Mighty Jack (co-editor) : mity...@net.bluemoon.net
|Matt Blackwell : mbla...@ix.netcom.com
|Joseph Nebus : neb...@rpi.edu
|Tom Salyers : tsal...@dimensional.com
|
|Contributing writer: Bill Livingston
Thanks for the feed back, Dave, Jack, Matt, Joseph, Tom and of course
Bill "the Psalmist" Livingston
I'd make a highlight film of what I liked, but as you know doubt have
noticed "Athena Prospects" is almost finished posting to ASC, so I
have to get the next one done. Let's see which one next:
Excelsior Enterprise, where Marrissa serves under Captain Demora Sulu.
or
Royal and Prime Directives, where Marrissa plays Lieutenant Hornblower
or
Winning Love by Daylight, where Marrissa breaks down and takes an
enforced vacation.
or
After the Storm, where Marrissa ends the Romulan War.
|
|[Season Nine opening sequence.]
|
|[..1..]
|[..2..]
|[..3..]
|[..4..]
|[..5..]
|[..6..]
|
|[SOL]
|
|[The bridge is empty.]
|
|Magic Voice: Previously, on "MUT3K"...
|
|[Cambot scrolls Suzanne Schroeder's MSTing of the first half of "A Royal
| Mess" up the screen *very* quickly. The entire 75K text file zooms by
| from start to finish in about five seconds.]
|
|Magic Voice: There! Now that you've all been brought up to speed, please
| enjoy the conclusion of Stephen Ratliff's "A Royal Mess".
| We now return you to our regularly scheduled host segment,
| already in progress....
|
|[Commercial.]
|
|[Slowly, white words begin to form on a featureless black screen...]
|
|Coming soon, a collaboration of two of the most creative minds on the
|planet.
|
|An epic piece of work from the minds of the creator of Cats, Joseph and
|the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, Jesus Christ Superstar and Phantom of
|the Opera, and the creator of the acclaimed Star Trek: The Next Generation
|spin-off, "The Marrissa Stories."
|
|[The blackness disappears and we can see throngs of cheering Federation
| citizens, all singing...]
|
|Crowd: Ma-rris-sa!
| Ma-rris-sa!
| Ma-rris-sa!
| Ma-rris-sa!
|
|It's Andrew Lloyd Weber and Stephen Ratliff's "Marrissa!"
|
|[Marrissa, clad in an admiral's uniform, steps onto a raised podium.
| Beside her is her husband, Jay Gordon. The crowd cheers wildly. She
| steps to the microphone and begins to sing.]
|
|Marrissa: "Don't cry for me, Federation..."
|
|Coming soon.
|
And idea! :)
|[Castle Forrester]
|
|Pearl: No, no, no. It's even worse. It's a story by one of your
| *favorite* authors.
|Observer: I believe that his name is, oh, what was it...? Pearl,
| do you remember who wrote this?
|Pearl: [Grinning evilly] Why, yes. Yes I do. I believe that it
| was a Mister Stephen Ratliff.
|
|[SOL]
|
|[The crew looks stunned. After a moment, Mike gulps and speaks.]
|
|Mike: Well, we've survived Ratliff before. Heck, some of his recent
| stuff is pretty good.
Thank you Mike. (or what ever MiSTer put the words in his mouth)
[Snip]
|Crow: Wait a minute, Mike. I remember this one. Joel was in
| the theater on this one. You were trapped in Limboland.
|Tom : You mentioned something about talking to a skeleton....
|Crow: Remember? This was just after Gypsy and Tom flushed your
| underwear out the airlock?
|Tom : Crow!
|Mike: Oh yeah. [pause] Well, can you fill me in?
|Crow: I think so. It inexplicably starts out with the Epilogue.
| Marrissa does some paperwork.
I'd like to disclaim that begining. The original MiSTer whent over to
ASC to pick up a fresh copy after I completed the posting of A Royal
Mess. As you all may know, I post a part a week, then post the whole
thing after I'm done. This ment that on the first MiSTer's newserver,
my posts looked something like this:
NEW TNG A Royal Mess 16/16 (Marrissa Stories)
REP TNG A Royal Mess 1/1 (Marrissa Stories)
all because they didn't collect it as it was posted (and I posted it
from some good machine names too.)