MSTed: "A New Generation" [1/10] (Ratliff)
Jamie Plummer
[MUT3k Theme]
[1-2-3-4-5-6]
Mike: Hi everybody. My name is Mike and I'm an avatar.
Tom & Crow: Hi Mike!
Mike: For those of you just joining us, Tom, Crow and myself are pure energy.
But we've been trapped in a Radford University Experimental
Internetlink satellite by Mrs. Forrester.
Crow: And she's making us read Ratliff's fanfics, here in this text-based
environment.
Tom: And it's all hot and it hurts and stuff.
Mike: And we'll be right back.
[Commercials]
[SOL Bridge -- or, rather, a text-based mock up of same]
Mike: Crow, I hope you're happy. I can't believe you got us stuck here.
Crow: Come on, Mike. How was I supposed to know Pearl would do this to us?
Besides, Tommy and I are kinda getting used to this MUD thing.
Tom: Yeah, watch this.
Tom declares a Holy PieWar (tm) on Crow for getting us stuck here.
Tom pulls a Key Lime from his PieHolster and lobs it at Crow.
Direct Hit! He got Key Lime all over Crow!
Crow whacks Tom with Killer Shrew.
Tom whacks Crow with Rat Pack Chess Set.
Crow whacks Tom with Gutter-Bumber-Chute.
Tom whacks Crow with Dull Surprise!
PearlF @knocks and asks if she can join you.
Mike: Enough you two. Rosemary and Adrian are calling.
PearlF materializes out of nowhere.
Mrs. F: Hello, Art. Bots.
Mike: Wait a min-
Mrs. F: Just stopped by to let you know that there's a new bit of Ratliff
poopie coming up the cyberpike. It's called "A New Generation." The
only thing new is the pain. It's in ten parts.
Crow: Oh, we can handle a tenth of Ratliff.
Mrs. F: Yes, I'm sure you could. But since you're all eternal and pure and
immortal, time has no meaning to you. You'll be getting all ten
parts at once.
Tom: Wha- huh?
Mrs. F: It would take a scientist to explain, and Clayton is still in
diapers. Anyway, I'll be logging your session and playing the
experiment for Clayton on his baby monitor. It seems to keep him quiet.
->>> disconnected: PearlF (#13) - total: 3
Mike: We've got fanfic sign!
[6-5-4-3-2-1]
> Star Trek
Tom: Ready guys?
Mike & Crow: NO.
Tom: Neither am I. [sobs]
> A New Generation
Mike: Wait for it...
> A Marrissa Story
ALL: AAAAH!
> by Stephen Ratliff
>
ALL: AAAAHH!
Mike: No matter how ready you think you are...
> Disclaimer:
> Paramount owns Star Trek. I own the story.
>
Crow: Paramount is multimultibillion entertainment conglomerate. I get
beaten up for my lunch money.
> NOTICE: (from Mark Twain's Huck Finn)
> Persons attempting to find an motive in this narrative will be
> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot
> BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR
Tom: We know better.
Mike: Yep, we're safe on that account.
>
> Author's Note:
> This Story is set five months after A Royal Wedding. It is
> first in a series.
Crow: Then what the heck were the other 10 Marrissa Stories?
> The above notice is listed due to the nice people
> over on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc :)
>
Tom: "rec.arts.tv...?" The hell is that all about?
Mike: Probably just some of Ratliff's geeky Internet friends...
> Prologue
>
Crow: A Quinn Martin production.
> This is the story of how the War of Romulan Desolation began.
Mike: Some Archduke Franz Romulan or other was shot.
Tom: No, I think Romulus took Poland.
Crow: Dien Bien Phu, actually.
> It
> was a war that was a long time coming, and when it came it was unlike
> any war before it.
Tom: Different people died in this one?
> Some say the war was caused by paranoia. Paranoia fed by the
Tom: The Audubon Zoo's patrons. Please, do not feed the paranoia.
> Federation Fleet built to defeat the Borg and the Dominion. Paranoia
> fed by the growing Romulan Logic Movement.
Tom: Fed in turn by the growing dosages of Romulan Ex-Lax.
Mike: Wrong movement, Tom.
> Paranoia fed by the Founders
> of the Dominion.
> Whatever the reason, one thing most historians agree about is
> that the Romulans
Crow: ... were just plain stupid-lookin'.
> ' capture and destruction of Rear Admiral Riker's
> Enterprise-E was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Tom: Wait a minute... Riker is a camel's rear?
> There were other
> straws, like the
Crow: ... goofy, bendy ones served in fintoozlers.
> consistent annual destruction of a middle of the road
> Starfleet vessel.
Mike: That's gonna happen if they stay on top of the yellow line like that.
Crow: Why don't they look?
> But those straws were easy to brush under the rug.
> The destruction of the Flagship was not such a straw.
Tom: The Flagship has wall-to-wall carpeting!
> In any event, any other ship's destruction by Romulans at that
> time would have been just as likely to ignite the flames of war at that
> time.
Crow: That's a timely observation.
> Just five months earlier, the Romulans had sent a dozen warbirds
> across the zone to attack the Federation Planet Essex, believing
Mike: ... Marrissa was there.
> the
> ships gathered there were preparing to attack them. Nothing could have
> been further from the truth. They were there to attend the wedding of
> Captain Marrissa Picard, Princess and Heir to Essex, and her first officer,
> Commander Jay Gordon.
Tom: -- Loser and hairless dweeb.
> The Romulans arrived just after the wedding,
Crow: Just in time to crash the reception and its open bar.
Mike: Don't those nutty Romulans know spelling bees have the best open bars?
> allowing
> the daughter of the Fleet Admiral to rack up yet another tactical victory.
Tom: By "tactical," Ratliff means "dumb."
> This attack, done in full view of the large number of reporters
Mike: Those mattering mabobs of Marrissadom.
> gathered for the wedding, was latched onto by the press. Over the next
> five months the story snowballed,
Crow: Mike, have you ever seen "Clerks"?
Mike: No. Why?
Crow: Oh, nevermind.
> with the discovery of the annual
> attacks on Star Fleet vessels, and the attempts at covering up the losses.
Tom: You know, the tactical considerations behind the decision to allow the
Romulans to kill off a crew each year is beyond my puny mind. I salute
you, Starfleet!
Mike: I don't even get what the Romulans were trying to do...
> By the time the Fleet Admiral got word of the Enterprise-E's
> capture, Jean-Luc Picard knew war was on its way.
Crow: So the Fleet Admiral told him?
> This is the story of
> how the fire of war was lit and the new generation that fought it ...
Tom: Backdraft: The Next Generation.
[Commercials]
[Continued in Part 2]
Jamie Plummer jc...@virginia.edu http://faraday.clas.virginia.edu/~jcp9j
"It's merely symptomatic of our postmodern ennui. There are no
absolutes unless you perceive our world as meaningless when it's
really your own freedom you detest. I like pork." -- Brak