[MSTing] Violence Aimed Even At Preschoolers
Freezer
type posts. Here we have a case of "Oversensitive Soccer-Mom thinks
the world is out to get her kid." But it sounds a lot like she put a
lot more effort into putting her thoughts into to words. The results
may have come out a bit more neurotic than she intended. And as such,
I tried to keep the editorializing to a minimum, and worked to keep the
tone light. I think it came out pretty good. Tell me what you think
at free...@hotmail.com (or free...@juno.com for the Microsoft-
phobic)
And BTW, here's the origin URL, incase you want to see the untouched
article: www.msnbc.com/news/459052.asp
And on with the disclaimers:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all related characters are the
property of Best Brains, Inc. This article is the property of Susan
Hall and MSNBC, et. al., ad infinitum, pie iesu dominae.
[Season 3 theme song - sing along! You know the words!]
[We open up with the bridge of the Satellite of Love decked out from
ceiling to floor with cooking equipment - Tom Servo to the left, Crow
to the right. Both seem to be working up a storm with the pots and
pans - a fact made more impressive when considering Tom's non-
functional arms!]
Joel: [Popping into the foreground] Hi, everybody! And welcome to the
Satellite of Love - or today it's "Welcome to Kitchen Stadium!" You
see, my little robot buddies Tom and Crow got hooked on the cable
show "Iron Chef". So they decided it would be fun to hold their own
little culinary showdown. Of course, being who they are, they chose
ram chips as the theme ingredient.
Magic Voice: Joel!
Joel: Go ahead, Ohta!
Magic Voice: What Iron Chef Crow is doing now is mixing barbecued ram
chips in a saucepan with soy sauce, jujubes, cheese singles, and
Bacos! When I asked the Iron Chef what that was going to come out to
be, he replied, "Bite me - it's fun!"
Gypsy: Oh! What is Iron Chef Servo doing?
Magic Voice: Iron Chef Servo is combining grilled ram chips in a wok
with cherries, seasoning salts, beef bouillon and cooking sherry. A...
great deal of cooking sherry...
Joel: Um Tom, What are you going to do with all that sherry?
Tom: Flambe, of course!
Crow: Isn't that a little too much for flambe?
Tom: Silence infidel! [Ducks under the desk, comes back up with a
welder's torch and faceplate.] I know exactly what I'm doing!
[Ignites torch] FIRE IN THE HOOOOOLE!!!
All: NOOOO
[Tremendous explosion as we fade to commercial]
<<Chuck E. Cheese's - where a kid can be a pest!>>
[As we come back, we see Joel hosing off the remains of Tom's "Dish"
with a fire extinguisher. Tom and Crow both are burned and slightly
warped.]
Joel: This is the last time I let you use real fire.
Crow: Yeah, next time, we use the holo-emitters!
Joel: Holo-emitters?
Tom: When the hell did we get holo-emitters?
Crow: Since last week, when I downloaded the anonymously sent file
labeled "Megane67.mst". Next thing I know, my media files are playing
in front of me on the bridge lights. Looks like any graphics file I
call up gets pulled up Star Trek style right here.
Tom: And you let me fry myself when you knew we could fake the whole
thing?!? LEMME AT HIM!!! [Lunges for Crow, but gets held back by Joel]
Joel: Later Tom. Kobe and Sakai are calling... [Hits Mads Lights]
[Cut to Deep 13, where Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank are looking even
more smug than usual.]
Dr. F: [Claps hands together] Okay experiMENTALS - we're gonna make
this short and sweet. We don't have an invention exchange this week,
because we were to busy mining the internet for your next few
experiments.
Frank: And let me tell you, we hit the mother lode!
Dr. F: So the Invention Exchange is all yours this week. Run with it!
[SOL: Joel and the bots are standing around a computer]
Joel: Well, Sirs - since we were fooling around with the Iron Chef
stuff, we went with that for our invention exchange.
Tom: This is for those times, when you've got tons of stuff in your
refrigerator, but no idea what to do with it!
Crow: So let the experts at tossing together seemingly random food
elements together do it for you! Introducing "The Iron Chef Meal
Planner!"
Joel: All you need is punch in whatever's in your fridge into the
ingredient database like so... [starts typing] choose compile...
[We hear a digitized version of Chairman Kaga's voice saying "Avel (?)
cuisine!" and a gong!]
Tom: And voila! A five course, gourmet meal complete with instructions!
Crow: And for the advanced students, there's "Challenger Mode", where
you go head to head with a digitized Iron Chef. For instance, say you
wanted to go with Japanese.
[Joel presses a few keys. We hear a cheesily dubbed voice
say "Morimoto-san, please!"]
Joel: And you too can know the thrill of knocking off an Iron Chef.
What do you think sirs.
[D-13]
Frank: Hey, Doctor! You think that could help us figure out what to
do with those mystery foil packs in the fridge?
Dr. F: Good thinking, Frank! Remind me to raid their database and
steal that later. And as for you lab monkeys, I'm sending you a little
palate cleanser for the soul-crushing spooge that is to come. It's an
article from MSNBC.Com, written by a Ms. Susan Hall.
Frank: A woman who apparently spends every waking moment worrying about
her three-year old son.
Dr. F: It's titled "Violence Aimed Even At Preschoolers." And
remember, this is as good as it's gonna get for a while!
[The mads share an evil laugh!]
[SOL]
Tom: What do you suppose has got them so tickled?
Crow: Do we really want to know?
Joel: Later, guys - WE GOT ARTICLE SIGN!!!
[All scurry off]
[ 1 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 6 ]... [ * ]
[Crow, Joel, and Tom take their seats]
Tom: I really don't like it when The Mads are that happy.
Joel: Let's just handle what's in front of us, okay?
> Violence aimed even at preschoolers
Crow: Fortunately, most of them can't hold the gun very straight.
> Marketers go as far as kids' underwear to promote hot flicks
Joel: [Fargo-esque voice] Oh, yah! I just got little Johnny a pair of
those "Gladiator" Underoos, they're just the cutest little things.
Tom; [Ditto] Oh, yah! And they're such a bargain!
> Sept. 27
All: A day which will live in infamy!
> The entertainment industry is answering to Congress for intentionally
> marketing violent movies, music and games to children.
Crow: So what's wrong with that?
Tom: Yeah! Kids are sheep like that!
Joel: Kids: Fun to beat, easy to cheat!
> The hearings are most concerned with the marketing of R-rated content
> to teen-agers,
Joel: Umm...Shouldn't they be trying to get the movie chains to enforce
the rating systems instead?
Tom: Of course not! The studios have more money!
Joel: Ah!
> but violence is being sold to children much earlier, even to the
> preschool set.
Tom: Duplo presents: The "NRA 'Packin' Heat'" Assortment!
> I know this because I've got a 3-year-old son.
Crow: My condolences.
> MY HUSBAND AND I had company coming the other day and we were in a
> frenzy of house cleaning.
Joel: [Author] Honey, we ran out of space in the basement! Where do
you want me to hide the mailman's body?
Tom: [Author's husband] Shove 'im in the upstairs bathroom along with
the cleaning lady!
> Unable to bear the thought of messing up the kitchen we'd just
> cleaned,
Crow: [Author] I stood in the doorway with a shotgun, picking off
anyone who approached.
Joel: Susan Hall IS Kathleen Turner IN "Serial Mom!"
> I ran out to McDonald's to pick up lunch, a place we rarely go.
Tom: [Susan] Since the "Beanie Baby" incident, we're kind of not
welcome.
> When I ordered a Happy Meal for my son Austin, the voice from the
> speaker asked, "Do you want the toy to be Hello Kitty or Beast
> Machines?"
Joel: [Susan] No, do you have the "My Little Spree Killer" play sets?
> I've seen Hello Kitty; it's sweet, benign and presumably for girls.
Crow: "Presumably?" You don't GET more Girly than "Hello Kitty!"
Tom: How about "My Little Pony?"
Crow: GAH!!! Cute!!! Pastels!!! Closing in!!
> But Beast Machines? I had no idea what it is, but I could tell from
> the name I didn't want it for my son.
Joel: [Susan] It sounded like that heathen Wiccan stuff I'd read about
once.
> After some research, I've learned that Beast Machines is a line of
> toys tied to a Fox TV show rated TV-Y7, which means it's directed to
> older children,
Tom: Yes, seven would be older than three.
Joel: Well gee? How many shows *are* targeted towards three year olds?
Crow: Umm... "Teletubbies?"
Tom: Nah! That's for acid-taking college students!
> ones developmentally able to distinguish between fantasy and reality,
Tom: Not according to the PTC. You ask them, Columbine was triggered
by wrestling.
> according to the TV Parental Guidelines Web page.
Joel: ...Everything on TV except for "Touched By an Angel" is evil and
immoral.
> The Fox Kids Web site describes Beast Machines as a "race of
> transforming cybernetic robot/animals called the Maximals" that "must
> save their planet from vicious Vehicon transformers!"
Tom: [Susan] You see? YOU SEE!?!? EVIL, I TELL YOU!!!
> Yet some marketing whiz wants to put this toy into the hands of my 3-
> year-old,
Joel: She does know they carry toys for younger children, doesn't she?
Crow: At this point, I don't think she cares.
Tom: Sure. Why let things like logic and the facts get in the way of a
good indignant rant?
> the little guy who found the video "Elmo in Grouchland" too intense to
> watch.
[All giggle.]
Crow: Susan? I hate to tell you this, but your son's a wuss.
Tom: I don't know... I find Elmo pretty frightening sometimes.
Joel: [Elmo] Elmo want BIIIG Hug!
Tom: [Shudders]
> With school shootings almost routinely in the news, I have to say that
Crow: [Susan] It's all McDonald's fault!
Tom and Joel: DOWN WITH THE CLOWN! DOWN WITH THE CLOWN!!
> as a nation we've gone a little nuts.
Joel: And it took you HOW long to figure this out?
> I still have to take a few deep breaths every time I think of Kip
> Kinkel, the Oregon teen who shot up his school after killing his dad
> and blowing away his mother when she walked in with the groceries.
Crow: [Susan] I blame Disney for him!
Joel and Tom: DOWN WITH THE MOUSE!! DOWN WITH THE MOUSE!!
> But I have to admit that we've gone a little nuts, too, in trying to
> stem violence in children.
Tom: Then what the Sam Scratch is the point of this whole article?
Joel: I think it's "My kid's a weenie, but it's not my fault..."
> So, like many parents, we try to gauge our every step:
> Are we strict enough? Compassionate enough? Are we doing enough to
> protect our kids' innocence? Or are we not preparing them to live in
> the real world?
Joel: Are the apron strings tight enough?
Tom: Are they screwed up enough to be functional, yet totally dependant
on us?
Crow: Do we have an escape route in case they finally snap?
> It's a tough call.
Tom: But I'm going to have to say 'B', Regis!
Joel: Is that your final answer?
> I just didn't realize I'd be having to run interference for such a
> commercial and violent culture while my son was still so young.
Crow: So... Commercialism = Violence?
Tom: Let's just read on, shall we?
> Having a child has made me step back and take a second look at things
> our society blindly accepts.
Crow: Children should be seen and not heard.
Tom: A woman's place is in the home, barefoot and pregnant.
Joel: White people are the best people!
> It seems many people expect boys to be naturally drawn to violence,
Tom: News flash, Susan: they are.
Crow: Not hers, apparently.
Tom: Oh, yeah. The three-year old Muppetphobe.
> and violent aspects are built right in to many toys. We think little
> boys are cute in their Spider-Man and Batman capes.
Joel: Since when do they make Spider-Man "capes?"
> (They are, but do they understand who they're emulating?)
Crow: Yeah, or they wouldn't emulate them!
> I watched a lot of "Spider-Man" back in my breast-feeding days
Tom: [Susan] It made me feel all tingly!
> (Hey, I'd watch anything, even "Judge Judy")
Joel: What's wrong with "Judge Judy?"
Crow: Yeah! Mills Lane is the evil one!
> - and "Spider-Man" is an incredibly violent show.
All: It is?!?
Tom: Joel, obviously you set our tolerances for violence too high.
Crow: Really! I mean we should be cowering in fear and confusion
at every punch we see.
Tom: You've turned us into amoral, emotionally numb monsters!
Crow: [Chanting] Joel Robinson scarred us! Joel Robinson scarred
us!
[Tom joins in] JOEL ROBINSON SCARRED US! JOEL ROBINSON SCARRED US!
[Joel just shakes head]
> "Batman" is broodingly dark, not the campy show we grew up with in the
> '60s.
Tom: And neither was Batman until ABC got ahold of it!
> MEAN OR JUST UNHAPPY?
All: UNHAPPY!
> My son was given a Fisher-Price "Great Adventures" castle with
> accompanying figures holding weapons that looked straight out of the
> bloody movie "Braveheart."
Crow: Fisher-Price: Bringing you imaginary bloodshed for over half a
century!
> How did the people who designed that toy envision children playing
> with it?
Crow: Just a guess here, but maybe they left out the blood and flying
body parts?
Joel: Or they figured that no 3-year old is going to have seen
Braveheart to make that connection?
Tom: Or that they never figured on dealing with an over-sensitive, over
reacting mother with an even-more sensitive kid?
> I've seen parents buying armloads of grotesque-looking action figures
> for their sons.
Joel: [Susan] They're all going to Hell for that!
> "Even if you don't buy into it yourself, other people will give
> [violent toys] to your child as a gift," one mom told me. It's true.
Crow: So you tell them not to?
> A relative gave Austin the Fisher-Price Rescue Heroes Command Center
> for Christmas,
Tom: [Susan] You see? Fisher-Price *IS* the Great Satan!
> but neglected to notice that it came without the Rescue Heroes.
Joel: [Susan] She's in league with Fisher-Price, too!
> The Rescue Heroes I found at the store were harmless enough, but each
> held some evil-looking "tool" that looked suspiciously like a G-U-N.
Crow: Maybe so if you're P-A-R-A-N-O-I-D.
> I let Austin have the fireman's water cannon,
Tom: [Susan] I never knew you could make a kid fly with just water!
Crow: "Austin?" Hey! It's Stone Cold Toddler Austin!
Joel: [Austin] And that's the bottom line, 'cause my mommy said so!
> but discretely disposed of the "tools" from the policeman
Crow: A cop with a weapon? Shocking!
> and medic, who came with the something that looked like the Jaws of
> Life, the contraption used to pull auto crash victims from the
> wreckage.
Tom: And it also makes a fun conversation piece!
>Who wants to explain the Jaws of Life to a 3-year-old?
Tom: Umm... No one is forcing you to, Susan.
Crow: Ah, parents in the 21st century! Talk to your kids about
everything - explain nothing!
> We had a hard enough time explaining to Austin what policemen do.
Joel: "Catch bad people." How hard is that?
> For now, he thinks policemen just give speeding tickets; he can't
> grasp how bad "bad guys" might actually be or understand "crime" or
> fighting it.
Tom: [Austin] Mommy? Why are those policemen on TV giving that man a
speeding ticket with their fists?
Crow: [Susan] He was going very fast, son.
> Once my son visited a fast-food restaurant with the baby sitter and
> came home with a menacing, scowling silver figure, a marketing tool
> from who-knows-what movie.
Joel: Hmm... Hey Tom? Can you scan your collector database and tell us
what that might be?
Tom: Sure, gimme a sec... [Vibrates in place] Sounds like the Vegita
statuette from Burger King.
Crow: God help us all if Mrs. Hall gets an eyefull of Dragonball Z!
Tom: [Susan] Hmm... "Another Dimension..." Well, at least they don't
die...
> "I'm not sure I like that guy. He looks mean," I told Austin.
Tom: [Austin] He reminds me of Elmo, Mommy! I'm scared!
> My too-wise child merely answered, "He's not mean, he's just unhappy,"
Crow: And likes to blow up whole planets for fun...
Tom: And tends to atomize people who annoy him...
Joel: And is insanely jealous of another of his kind...
> and went on playing with him as though he were a smiley-faced figure.
Tom: [Susan] But deep inside, I knew my little boy was being corrupted
by this plastic, shiny, demon.
> ON CONSTANT GUARD
Joel: Starring Peter Fonda.
> I remember seeing Meshach Taylor of "Designing Women" on a talk show,
Crow: Trying to explain how his character was not gay.
> telling how his son had fashioned a gun out of bread - while still in
> his high chair.
Tom: Teach you to show him "Boyz 'N The Hood" before dinner!
> My son has not done that. But the implied violence in the Rescue
> Heroes' "tools" was not lost on him: He used the fireman's water
> cannon as a gun.
Joel: [Susan] At least that's what it looked like to me. That fireman
is out to get me, I tell you!
> Luckily, he's more interested in stuffing things in the castle's doors
> and secret compartments than in the medieval warriors.
Crow: [Starts to open mouth] ... Nope! He's three. Won't make that
joke.
Joel and Tom: THANK YOU!
> Lea Leuckel, a Seattle mother of boys 4 1/2 and 6 1/2, says parents
> have to be on constant guard.
Tom: [Lea] 'Dem Communis' is ever'whar!
> "It's everywhere. My boys can't say the word 'Pokémon' without putting
> their fists up," she says. (The game involves myriad characters and
> their "attack modes.")
Joel: Sound's like we've got a couple of Primeape fans.
Tom: Or Hitmolee.
> She took the video "The Lion King" away from her younger son, Connor,
Joel: [Scottish accent] Of the Clan McCloud!
Crow: If she mentions the words "sex" and "dust", I'm leaving.
> after he kept acting out the role of the villain Scar at preschool.
Tom: He kept trying to throw people off cliffs?
Joel: Trying to kill lion cubs?
Crow: Consorting with Hyenas?
> "It's one of those adult movies made for kids," she said.
Tom: It's wha...?
Joel: [Six year old] Dear Highlights; I loved your new movie "Amateur
Recess Tramps..."
> And she's limited his play dates with another boy after she found them
> watching a movie for older kids.
Crow: [Susan] Some filth called "The Rugrats Movie!"
> "People have this idea that if [a movie] is Disney, it's OK for kids,
Tom: Because it usually is?
> but it's not," she says.
Joel: [Susan] Disney! They're in league with Fisher-Price, too! Damn
them all!
> She only allows her boys to see a few shows, but even while watching
> "Franklin," the tame children's show featuring a turtle on
> Nickelodeon,
Crow: Not a bad show, actually...
[Joel and Tom stare in surprise at Crow.]
Crow: What?
> they often see commercials for violent toys or inappropriate movies.
Tom: What? "Tomb Raider Barbie"
Joel: "Rugrats Go To Hell?"
Crow: "CatDoggy-Style?"
> "Unless you only watch PBS [children's programs], kids are going to
> see things that are not age-appropriate," she says.
Tom: Obviously she's never seen "I, Claudius."
> A VILLAIN EVERYWHERE
Crow; [Susan] And he works for Fisher-Price! The bastard!
> Except for a few shows on PBS, we've turned off the TV and VCR at our
> house.
Joel: [Susan] We prefer to shun the outside world.
> We find much of children's programming too dark and menacing for our
> son.
Crow: Yeah - "Magic School Bus" is a real nail-biter.
Tom: And don't even get me started on "Arthur!"
> He worries about "scary parts."
Tom: Somehow, I don't think *he's* the one worrying...
> Disney films especially are too violent,
Crow: They are?
Joel: Sure! That's what makes 'em fun!
> and even mild tales such as "The Little Drummer Boy" somehow include a
> villain when translated to video.
Crow: Umm... Susan? THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY WAS MADE WHEN *YOU* WERE A
KID!!! <PANT!! PANT!!!>
Tom: Crow! Buddy! Take it down a notch!
Crow: I can't help it! This woman is raising her kid to be a
Poindexter, and all the while she's blaming stuff that was never meant
for a kid that young, and applying adult standards to the whole thing!
Tom: Isn't this kind of rant usually my shtick?
Crow; Sorry! [Deep breath] Okay! I'm good!
> Austin can't handle villains or any tense moments at all.
Joel: [Susan] Are you sure you're not scared, honey? I mean this isn't
something you've been exposed to before.
Tom: [Austin] It's Home Shopping, Mom!
Joel: [Susan] Still, some of those brooches can be pretty frightening.
> He went into hysterics when Shadow on "Bear in the Big Blue House"
> told the tale of the monkeys jumping on the bed, the ones who fell off
> and bumped their heads. It took us hours to get him calmed down.
Crow: [Susan] Soon after, we introduced him to the wonderful world of
Ritalin.
Tom: Susan, honey? Have you considered that maybe your son is just a
sissy?
>Because Austin picks up on everything, we try not to watch "adult"
>programming when he's around.
Joel: [Susan] I'm starting to go into Spice Channel withdrawal!
>Even the news is too violent,
Crow: [Announcer] Stuff to scare the Underoos off Austin Hall: Film at
11!
>and our favorite sitcoms, such as "Frasier," involve situations and
>words that are just too hard to explain to him,
Tom: THEN DON'T!!!
Joel: Tom...
Tom: No, Joel! I'm siding with Crow, here! This is A THREE YEAR
OLD!! How many three year olds are going to sit through an episode
of "Frasier" long enough to ask any sort of embarrassing questions? And
besides, Frasier was made FOR ADULTS! And even then, why the hell is
this kid still up when Frasier comes on anyway?
Crow: Syndicated version?
Tom: Well, yeah! But my other points still stand!
> so we just leave the TV off and play with him instead.
Joel: [Susan] We play nice, safe games like "Bad Touch, Worse
Touch", "Fisher-Price Is Evil", "The Rescue Heroes Are Out To Get
You!", and "Low Impact Tag".
Crow: "Low-Impact Tag?"
Joel: [Susan] Yes! No running, no dodging, no hard tagging...
Crow: So, you and Austin just stand there and touch each other on the
arm?
Joel: [Susan] Yes! It's Austin's favorite game. All that running
tended to spook him!
> Until now we've found Austin will at least take his cues from us.
Tom: [Susan] We've taught him how to shun those not like him.
> We've tried hard to appear neutral, if you can believe it, to cartoon
> characters. We go out of our way - and pay more - to avoid having
> characters such Mickey Mouse, Tigger and Pokémon on absolutely
> everything we buy for our son
Joel: [Susan] Because that's how Disney spies on you! Those cartoon
eyes!
> - clothing, bedding, even food.
Tom: So...Basically, the kid is dressed in gray flannel and eats mush
all day long?
Joel: [Susan] You can't be too careful!
> Austin has crossed the aisle, so to speak, by moving up to a size 4 in
> clothing. We recently went shopping for underwear, and it was obvious
> we were no longer in the toddler department, but in little boys.
Crow: That's usually how it works with humans, isn't it Joel?
Joel: Last time I checked.
> I was no longer looking at Barney, Elmo and Teletubbies, but at Star
> Wars, Pokémon, Superman, Spider-Man and Batman. (Whose idea was it,
> anyway, that children's underwear have licensed characters?)
Tom: Well, seeing as how they've been doing that since the 50's, I'll
assume that the guy responsible is dead now.
> I don't want to be talking about these characters every day when he
> gets dressed.
Joel: Susan? Dear? Unless Austin is a junior-league psycho, you
wouldn't BE talking about those characters every day.
> These action-figure TV and movie tie-ins mean nothing to my son,
Tom: THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU MENTION IT!?!
> but because he sees their pictures everywhere, he's starting to think
> they're important.
Crow: [Susan] He's discovering that there's more to life than me! I
have to put a stop to that!
> We're trying to teach him that kids, unlike superheroes, should use
> words rather than fists in their disagreements.
Tom: Need we remind you that we're still talking about a three year
old?
> SHOOING AWAY BATS
Joel: [Susan] You all work for Fisher-Price, don't you?!? Shoo! SHOO!!!
> When Austin came home from day care asking what superheroes do, we
> didn't have a good answer.
Tom: [Susan] Luckily, my husband found this lovely book - "Superheroes
for Paranoid Parents."
> But my husband, who knows the theme from every TV show back to the
> "Daktari" days, was able to divert Austin's attention from the dark
> themes of Batman and Spider-Man with a lively rendition of the theme
> from "Super Chicken"
Tom: This is one whacked out family!
Crow: [Mr. Mackey] Drugs are bad, m'kay?
Joel: You think this is a good time to mention that Super Chicken
carried a sword and took something that look suspiciously like wine for
his powers?
Tom: I bet you could really blow her mind be bringing up Underdog!
> and soon the pair, wearing towels around their necks as capes, were
> flying around the house squawking.
Crow: Um... Super Chicken didn't fly, did he?
Joel: I think we're into smile and nod territory here.
> It made perfect sense to a 3-year-old, while Batman doesn't.
Tom: [Susan] My little Austin - he's twisted like that!
> He thinks of Batman as akin to a scarecrow. "He's the guy who scares
> the bats away," Austin says, wildly flapping his arms.
Crow: Unfortunately, young Austin hung on to that belief well into his
twenties, ending tragically at a video store carrying Batman and Robin.
> That's OK. We won't tell him otherwise. There's plenty of time for him
> to learn the truth later.
Joel: [Susan] When he's married.
> So maybe we just need to take a few deep breaths and deal with what
> is, instead of thinking unthinkable thoughts about the worst that
> could happen.
Tom: Now she tells us!
>We parents need to be hyper-vigilant about the images and toys
>marketers are putting in front of our children.
Crow: [Susan] We need to always keep alert to the threat of Fisher-
Price!
> But we need help to give our children time to remain children.
> Marketers, for pete's sake, give us a break.
Joel: Susan? [aside to The Bots] All together, guys...
All: YOUR KID IS **THREE**!!!
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
Joel: [Susan, ala Captain Picard] They cry for Fisher-Price toys, and
we give in! They scream for Disney movies, and we give in! Well no
more! The line must be drawn HERE!!!
[Bots applaud]
> Susan Hall is an editor and producer for MSNBC's Living&Travel
> section.
Crow: Susan Hall is an over-sensitive young woman who could use a drink
and a nice hard...
Joel: Crow...
Crow: I was gonna say "back rub!" Geez!
Tom: Time to go guys!
[All exit]
[ 6 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 1 ]...[ * ]
Crow: Well, all things considered, that could have been a lot worse.
Tom: Yeah, that was actually pretty fun!
Joel: I wouldn't worry about it too much. I mean how many times has Dr.
F thought he found "The One" before?
Crow: Yeah, you're right Joel.
Tom: Hey, it looks like we've got something coming in on the Hexfield
View Screen!
[The Hexfield opens up to reveal a pudgy, slightly zit-ridden young
man. {Think Freakazoid's Fan Boy with blond hair.}]
Joel: Umm... Hi. Have we met?
Hexfield guy: No, but you've heard of me. My name's Austin Hall.
Tom: OH! Susan's kid! We were just reading about you. But...
Crow: You're kinda big for a three-year old, aren't you?
Austin: I'M 27!!! And I'm here from the future! I came to give you
what for for what you said about my mommy!
Tom: Your <snicker> "mommy?"
Austin: That's right! I know all about guys like you! My mommy said
you probably work for Fisher-Price!
Crow: Hoo, boy!
Joel: Austin? Where are you calling from.
Austin: From my basement. My mommy said I can't handle the outside
world yet.
Tom: So how did you plan on "giving us what for," if you can't leave
the house?
Austin: You... But... MOOOOOMYYY!!! [Hexfield closes]
Crow: Well, that was pointless!
Joel: Sure was! Well, what do you think, sirs?
[D13 - The mads are still chuckling]
Dr.F: Soon, Robinson, soon!
Frank: You're all so DOOMED!!! AH! HAHAHAHAH!!!!
Dr. F: HAHAHAHAH!!!! BUTTON, FRANK!
Frank: Gotcha!
>>>FWOOOSH<<<
\ | /
\ | /
--- * ---
/ | \
/ | \
Mystery Science Freezer [http://www.geocities.com/~mhorde/]
Ep. 1: WWF Smackdown recap
Ep. 2: Scooby Did
Ep. 3: Voyager: S-Space, part 1
Ep. 4: Voyager: Stealth Wedgie
Ep. 5: Violence Aimed Even At Preschoolers
Mystery UGoS Theater (Wrestle-centric with saltier language)
[http://dccmm.com/dccmm/wilfmst3k.html]
Ep. 1: Judgment Day 2000 Rant by Scott Keith
Ep. 3: Chris Hyatte's "And Another Thing" 9.25.2000 (Collaboration with
Maple Leaf Mickey and The Big Fred Machine)
What does Dr. Forrester have in store for Joel and company? Find out
on episode 6 of MYSTERY SCIENCE FREEZER!!!!
<HINT: It involves a lemon with 80's greeting card characters. Let
your mind twist around that one...>
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
Malachi Z. Goodman
I haven't laughed this hard in a while!
Nick Zbu
You rock, pure and simple. Got any more?
--Zbu
trapped...@my-deja.com
apart with maximum laughs and minimum preachiness.
Simple statement for this whacked out mom: "Boys WILL be boys." We're
tough, aggressive creatures, and that's what the heck we're supposed to
be, mom.
-Josh Graham
As a comedian once put it. "Look, I grew up on Coyote and Roadrunner,
and so did many of you. I've never heard of anyone running off a cliff,
and then pulling out a sign reading "Yipe" as they plummet to their
doom. News flash, five people were killed today by a giant boulder
slingshotted from between two cactuses. The victims were apparentally
enjoying some 'Free Bird Seed' placed in a giant bullseye..."
Shorty
Good job!
Shorty, a bucket of summat
-----------------------------
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
______________________
Generic Internet User #27892
nut! Keep it up!
--
So Sez DarKrow, at least
edi...@wctatel.net
I feel pretty sorry for this kid, he will live
a living hell from his first day of kindergarten
until he actually adjusts, while his parents
blame it on evil everything. I suppose picking
this kid up some hot wheels cars like I had
would teach him how to drive bad and kill
people.
-Cyber_Ant
NeuroManson
<33MG5.14124$jU.3...@typhoon1.ba-dsg.net>:
You ever hear the saying that "Some people shouldn't breed"? This one is an
example... Scary thing is, she'll neve be blamed or accused of child
abuse...@_o
Talen
You know an MSTing is good when one's sister, who neither knows of nor
has ever read an MST hears a line from it and dies laughing.
--
Talen
http://www.crosswinds.net/~talenkun/
"You know, I can't read that without looking over my shoulder for Time
Lady and her Beanie Baby Cannon (TM)."
- Bob Macfie, on the word 'Indeed'