MiSTed: "MIA #3: Red Dawn" 1/6

[Clo...@my-dejanews.com]

MiSTed: "MIA #3: Red Dawn" -

MiSTed by: Tyler "The Clown" Dion (editor), Kris "Antiwesley"
Herzog, Greg McCambley, John "Omega" Seavey, and Vadal.

In 1996, in preparation of the advent of the Doctor Who television
movie, a group of online fans got together and created the Internet
Adventures (or IAs), which chronicled the continuing adventures of the
Doctor. Time soon gave way to spinoffs, including the Missing Internet
Adventures (MIAs), featuring past Doctors, the Companion Internet
Adventures (CIAs), which featured the Doctor's companions, and so on
with BIAs, XIAs, UIAs, WIAs, VIAs, and eventually every other letter in
the English language.
Unfortunately, as with any on-going series, some real stinkers
were produced. And so, for the sake of the world and our egos, five brave
souls got together and decided to riff the hell out of 'em! Beautiful
origin story, really.
So, without much further ado, I give you...
MIA #3: "Red Dawn"!

[Season 6 theme song]

[1...2...3...4...5...6...*]

[SOL Bridge. Mike's standing in the middle, looking pleased with himself.
Around him are the 'Bots...sort of. Gypsy looks normal enough, except her
hose standing straight and rigid up against the desk edge. Her head is
tilted downward at a sharp angle. In the background, Crow is standing with
his arms out straight to the side. A battered fedora rests on his lacrosse
wicket, thus covering his face. Coats are hanging off his arms, each hand
holds an umbrella, and a huge scarf is wrapped around his neck. Tom is...oh,
dear...Tom's head is full of some colored gelatinous liquid, large globs of
which are gently bobbing up and down.]
Mike: Hey, everyone. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm your host, Mike
Nelson, and these are my friends, Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, and
Gypsy. [He points to each in turn] Because I've just gotten really
bored, I've turned each of the 'Bots into a piece of furniture from my
old apartment.
Tom: [Sluggish, kind of globby voice] Mike, if this is what your apartment
looked like, I'm glad we're in space.
Crow: [Muffled voice] Yeah! [Makes sniffing noise] And just where did you
keep this hat?
Gypsy: Mike? Can I move now? My neck is getting stiff.
Mike: Just a minute, Gyps, I want to show the viewers what we've done.
[Cambot centers on Gypsy] As you can see here, I've taken Gypsy and
turned her into a fully functional desk lamp. Her neck has full 360
degree rotational capabilities and can bend at any point.
[Mike demonstrates, bending Gypsy at various points along her neck
and rotating her all around. As he moves her head, Gypsy makes nauseous
noises.]
Gypsy: Whoa! Mike, I don't feel so good -- Whoa! Ohhh...
Mike: [As he stops] Sorry, Gypsy. I didn't think you could get carsick.
[Gypsy bobs off-stage to the right, moaning slightly]
Mike: Moving on, we come to Tom, who is also a lamp. A lava lamp, to be
specific. With an easy-to-reach on/off mechanism, you won't have to
fumble for the cord switch anymore. [He tugs on Tom's left hand,
causing the fluid to illuminate a vivid orange] And when those weird
globs finally clump up at the bottom, Tom's equipped for easy
drainage. [Mike places a bowl beneath Tom's beak. He pulls on the
right hand and Tom's beak opens up, allowing the lava gunk to flow
into the bowl.
Mike: See? Easy as that!
Tom: [Makes retching noises] Blergh! Yech! Gah! [To Mike] That's the last
time I ever show any sympathy for your fragile psyche, Nelson!
[He leaves stage-left]
Mike: And there you go, folks. How to turn sophisticated robots into
cute, semi-functional furniture!
Crow: [Muffled] Uh, Mike? What about me?
Mike: [Turning to face Crow] Well, what about you, Crow?
Crow: Aren't you going to explain what I do?
Mike: I thought it was pretty obvious what you're doing, Crow. The
viewers don't like patronizing explanations.
Crow: [Miffed] Well, thanks so much for making me feel useful, Mike. I feel
just great now that I know I've been such a big help!
Mike: I'm sorry, Crow! I didn't know it meant so much to you.
Crow: No, it's no good! Don't try to apologize now, it's too late.
Mike: But, Crow --
Crow: Sorry, Mike. Too little, too late. I'm leaving now, don't try to stop
me.
[Crow marches off stage-left, grumbling. Commercial sign flashes.]
Mike: [Halfheartedly] Oh, look, it's commercial sign...Heh... [Sighs heavily]
We'll be right back.
[He taps the button]

[Commercials]

[Back on the SOL Bridge. Mike's alone, looking kind of lost.]
Mike: Hey, everyone. The 'Bots are kind of mad at me, so I guess it's just
me against Chocolate and Slush.
[Mads light flashes]
Mike: See? It's time already.
[He taps the button]

[Deep 13. Dr F's leering into the camera, as usual.]
Dr F: Ah, Michelin Man! You're looking despondent today! I can't begin to
tell you how that makes me feel. [He pauses and looks suspiciously
at Mike] All right, where are those two gearheads? You aren't trying
to escape again, are you?

[SOL.]
Mike: Oh no, Dr Forrester! The 'Bots and I had a little tiff and now they're
cooling off somewhere.

[Deep 13. Dr F looks disappointed]
Dr F: Oh...I see. Well, it looks like I won't be able to try out my latest
invention on you just yet. I call them Juxtaposition Jumper Cables!
[Dr F holds up an apparatus consisting of lots of wires, a car battery
stuffed inside a microwave oven, and a pair of bicycle helmets.] It
swaps the minds of two subjects. I haven't got quite all the bugs
worked out, so I figured I'd try it out on you and the Bobbsey twins.

[SOL.]
Mike: [Nervous] Now I'm kinda glad the 'Bots are mad at me. I mean, come
on, Dr F, none of your inventions ever work right. Who knows what
could have happened with this one?

[Deep 13. TV's Frank wanders on from stage right.]
Frank: [Indignant] How dare you imply that Steve's inventions don't work!
This is one of his best ideas yet!
[He grabs one helmet and plops it Dr F's head.]
Dr F: [Angry] Ow! Frank, knock it off! This isn't how the experiment's
supposed to go!
Frank: Relax, Steve. I've got it all under control.
[Now Frank places the second helmet on his own head, and before
Dr F can do a thing, he twists the timer dial on the microwave from 10
to 0. First the typical *bing!*, then lots of flashing and negative
exposures follow. Dr F and Frank scream in pain and drown out the sound of
electricity zapping through them.]

[SOL. Crow and Tom come on from stage left. The Mads' screams are still
audible.]
Crow: [Noticing the events in Deep 13] Hey, cool! A light show!
Tom: And the Mads are providing "light" entertainment!
[Mike just looks on with an amalgamated look of fascination and
repulsion on his face.]

[Deep 13. Frank climbs unsteadily to his feet]
Frank: Oh...what in the name of Tesla hit me? Frank, where are you?
[Dr F is on his knees and leaning against the Techtronic panel]
Dr F: Steve, what happened?
Frank: Wait a minute! When did your hair turn dark, Frank?
Dr F: [Confusedly] And when did you start wearing black, Doctor?
[Realization strikes both of them.]
Mads: [In unison] Oh no! We've become --

[SOL.]
All: Doctor Frank and TV's Clay! Auuggghhh!!!

[Deep 13. TV's Clay straightens his tunic self-importantly.]
TV's Clay: Regardless of which body I'm in, you clowns still have an
experiment to sweat through. This week's golden moldy is "Red
Dawn." No, not that stunning piece with Sean Connery. But rather
a "Doctor Who" round robin that starts off roughly equal with
"Mitchell" and just slides downhill from there. [Stands there rocking
back and forth on his heels, grinning evilly. Finally he realizes
nothing is happening and turns to Dr. Frank] Well?
Dr Frank: What?
TV's Clay: The button?
Dr Frank: [Sheepishly] Oh, right, the button.
[Frank pushes the button.]

[SOL]
[Sirens and lights like it's a Blue Light Special.]
All: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIIIGN!!!
[They exit stage left. Quickly, even!]

[6...5...4...3...2...1...*]

[Mike and the Bots enter, yadda, yadda, yadda...]

>Red Dawn - (A Second Doctor MIA)

Crow: Cool. Patrick Swayze IS the Second Doctor.

>
> Just for the record, most of the technobabble is thanks to
>Justin Richards and Craig Hinton.

Tom: If you see these men on the street, please inform your local law
enforcement. They are considered armed and dangerous.
>
>And all characters that you recognize still belong to whoever created
>them, or the BBC, I'm not quite sure.

Mike: And if things go well, I might not remember who created
"Thunderbirds" as well...
>
> * * * * *
>
>Chapter One - Angling for Trouble

Tom: Yep, they sure are.
Crow: I think they're using ham for bait.

> The landscape was red, red and barren. From left to right, to
>front to back, from slantways to criss-crossways, it was red and
>empty.

Tom: Welcome to Downtown Moscow at midnight.

>There was no getting around it, lots and lots of red with
>nothing else. But wait, far off, on the edge of the horizon, a speck
>of something non-red, something green, something *alive*.

Crow: And made of pure EVIL...

>The specks came closer and resolved into something that would
>unnerve even the most hardened of crustaceans.

Tom: The tongs of Reynaldo, your friendly chef, as he serves you the
finest in today's seafood.

>The Ice Warriors. A warrior race with a passion for drawing their history

Mike: Usually in crayon or watercolors.

>and a habit of being honorable. But all that's far in the future, it'll
>be quite a while before the term 'Ice Warrior' is used on Mars.

Tom: But recently it's been bandied about as the 'hot' new up-and-coming
band out of Toronto..

>At the moment,the Martians are a simple people with artists, engineers,
>thinkers,and all sorts, much like liquorice.

Crow: And they taste just like it too!
[Tom and Crow make mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm noises]

> As they came closer, growing larger as they moved away from
>the horizon, voices could be heard, deep, grating voices, the kind
>that make it feel acceptable to hide.
>
> "The time is fast approaching. We must make haste to Olympus
>Mons."

Tom: Where they drink ambrosia, and ride winged horses!

> "We will arrive in time. Have no fear, nothing will keep us from
>our goal."

Tom: And then we shall overtake the dreaded Pittsburgh Pirates, and rule
the Division with an iron fist!

> "But what if they come and we are not present?"
>
> "Then may the High Ones have mercy on us."

Crow: And us as well...
Mike: Shush, Crow.

> And the two plodded through the sands onwards to the north.

Tom: And the story did as well.

> * * * * *
>
> Jamie McCrimmon trudged back towards the console room shaking
>his head in resigned bewilderment. He had just been in one of the more
>mind-boggling areas of the TARDIS he had come across yet.

Mike: [Jamie] Doctor, what be an 'Inflatable Ingrid'?

> Jamie arrived at the console room to find the Doctor buried from
>his head to his knees underneath the console. Muttering could be heard
>emanating from below, most of it unintelligible

Crow: And that was just the console. The Doctor, on the other hand, was
much much worse...

>and in a language alien to Jamie.

Mike: Anything other than guttural English is alien to Jamie.

>A spark and a puff of smoke accompanied by a curse with too
>many 'X's heralded the Doctor's emergence from the bowels of the
>console whilst sucking his singed fingers.

Mike: [Jamie] Och, Doctor, you better not be sneakin' some of those wee
pipefulls of that nasty stuff we picked up in Istanbul.

> "Ah, hello Jamie," the Doctor said. "I thought you were going
>to go take a dip."

Tom: [Doctor] Speaking of dips, where is Victoria?

> "Well I was going tae, Doctor," Jamie replied, "but I looked in a
> room on the way, and do you have any idea of ye've got this ship of
>yours? There was a great whopping beastie swimming about in there!"

Tom: [Doctor] Ah...I see you found Victoria in the pool already.

> "What?" the Doctor asked. "A beast in my TARDIS? Impossible! It
>was probably just Nessie. I'll wager you frightened her."

Mike: Seeing Jamie open a door and peek in probably could scare anyone.

>"Nessie, who's Nessie?" Jamie asked, somehow the name struck a
>chord of familiarity with him.

Tom: [Doctor] She's just an old girlfriend, Jamie..

> "Oh, she's just the last of an endangered species I found in
>Loch Ness," the Doctor said matter-of-factly.
>
> "Wait a moment here, Loch Ness? You're saying there are
>monsters swimming about in Scotland?"

Tom: Well, after you left with me, Jamie...

> Just then, the column that topped the console and signaled the
>TARDIS's movement through time and space had halted and the ship had
>landed.
>
> "Oh well, never mind Jamie, never mind. I'll explain it to you
>later. Now, let's see what we can see, shall we?" the Doctor promised
>as he moved over to the console and activated the scanner.

Mike: [Jamie] Och, Doctor, I canna take that "Titanic" movie again.

>A red landscape was displayed, blank and desolate with little light >provided by a yellow sun.
>
> "Do ye know we are, Doctor?" Jamie asked, put off by the barren
>vista displayed before him.

Tom: [Doctor] Yes, Jamie... [Slips back into his own voice] We're in
HELL! [He begins to panic] I can't take it anymore.
Mike: [Reaches over to slap him] Now, now Tom. The plot's not had much
time to develop yet. Give it time.
Crow: Cool, Servo snapped.
[Tom sobs for a bit and settles down]

> "Well, it seems familiar Jamie, very familiar. I'm sure I've
>seen something like it before, somewhere," the Doctor said, seemingly
>half-sure about his own statement. "Oh, look at that!" The Doctor
>zoomed the scanner in on a large crack in the ground, "It's a canal!
>Oh, yes, it must be! You go find Victoria, Jamie, while I find the
>equipment."
>
> "Equipment for what, Doctor?"

Tom: [Doctor] If I'm right Jamie, we're in Venice. Only in your future.
Crow: Yeah. 10,000 years or so.

> "Why, the sport of gentlemen, of course! I gave my good friend
>Izaak a few pointers on it one Sunday."
>
> "Och, Doctor, what're you going on about now?" Jamie asked,
>slightly apprehensive at his alien friend's enthusiasm, which invariably
>led to trouble more often than not.
>
> "Why, it should be obvious, Jamie. I've had an absolutely
>splendid idea! Let's go fishing!"

Crow: For a plot? SURE! Let's go!
All: *cheers*

>
> * * * * *
>
> The geometrically-friendly ship spun through the void, hurtling
>at faster-than-light speeds.

Crow: Picard knew at this point the Borg cube was heading for...EARTH!
Mike: Crow, honey, you're in the wrong universe.

>
>If the ship had slowed down enough to be seen,

Tom: It wouldn't be able to get to Saginaw Falls by 7 pm.

>the casual passer-by could easily mistake it for one of
>the pyramids typical of the Egyptian civilization on Earth in
>the year 2000 BC, but any such Terran structures were still a ways
>from being built.

Mike: [The A&E guy) Which, when constructed, would provide millions of
unemployed Egyptians and Israelites with steady jobs for decades.

> Inside the ship, activity was indeed noticeable. The crew bustled
>back and forth, and then forth and back,

Crow: Some weebled, some wobbled. All doing their happy little work
dance.

>all doing their jobs. Dusting the odd canopic jar,

Tom: Aren't all canopic jars odd?

>polishing a statue, making sure the power vents were properly aligned,
>you know, crew-ish things.

Mike: Yeah...Like that turning the knob-ish thingy.
Tom: Or the pressing the buttonny like thing?
Crow: Or polishing their kn -- [Mike slaps his hand over Crow's mouth]
Mike: Let's not go there.

>However, the pilot himself was a different matter.

Tom: He rested in the brand-new, swanky comfort of a Barcalounger, with
fresh Mai-Tai's and baloney sandwiches on demand!

>He sat there, his mind awirl with a thousand tasks, making sure he, his
>fellow Ka'baa crew mates, and their esteemed passenger had enough air
>to survive, ensuring the ship stayed on course and wasn't tossed like
>a bad Picasso rip-off into a supernova or slipped into the shadow
>dimensions - Fenric always was a bad apple - and kept a channel open
>with the homeworld.
>

Crow: Unfortunately, it was the only channel they could get.
Tom: Which one?
Crow: The 'Hee-Haw' channel.
Rest: *GROAN*

>
> And then, he found it. As far as the pilot knew, the objective
>of the ship was to find a lost colony that had left home to build a
>power relay on a small planet in a yellow star system.

Crow: [Lorne Greene] A small, shining planet known as...EARTH.

>The colonists had been missing for millennia by the time the rescue ship
>had been sent to check the automated distress theta-wave

Tom: And wouldn't you be distressed if YOU were missing?

>and find the colonists. But then, what's in the mission file is rarely
>the true nature of a mission.
>
> The pilot brought the ship out of the jump in a high orbit above
>the little world. The Ka'baa pilot quickly got down to business.

Mike: [Singing] He's been taking care of business...

>
>First,he tracked down the colony ship. The pilot traced the theta-wave to
>it's origin, a point buried under the northern ice caps. The pilot
>then plotted a course to touchdown at the pole.

Tom: It would be he, and not Scott, to make the first landing at the pole.

> * * * * *
>
> Victoria sighed and shifted in her beach chair again. "Doctor,
>this all very fun, but isn't there something else we could do?"
>

Mike: [Falsetto] I found this interesting room with all sorts of unusual
things.

> The Doctor looked out from under his stovepipe hat - *Where
>did he dig up that old thing from?* Jamie thought - and said, "Hush
>Victoria, you'll scare the fish you know.

Tom: Not that Jamie's not doing a bad job by himself.

>Besides, what's the matter?

Crow: Let me count the ways...
Mike: Hush.

>It's a wonderful day, the sun's shining, and we've got plenty thermal
>underclothes if you're too cold."

Tom: [Doctor] And if you get too hot, you can always take them off...
[Crow cheers]

> "No, it's not that Doctor," Victoria sighed, although personally,
>she was wondering how she would cope if nature called. "It's just that,
>well, I don't think there are any fish in this river, it seems to be
>empty."

Crow: Like your head?

> "Nonsense, Victoria," the Doctor exclaimed, "I've fished here
>before and the river was absolutely teeming with the biggest
>scalebacks you'll see this side of the Robulon Cluster!"

Mike: The Robulon Cluster?
Tom: The finest chocolate bar made today. Filled with nuts and gooey
caramel. Mouthfuls of joy in every bite!

>
> "Aye, well, they may have been there then, Doctor," Jamie
>pointed out, "but we're here now and there aren't any fish here.
>Besides, you said you didn't even know where we are!"
>
> "Oh, well, I've decided now," the Doctor said.

Tom: [Doctor] I'm going to leave you both here and go back home.

> "We're on Mars,I think."
>
> "*Mars*?!?" Victoria nearly shrieked. "But, what about all
>those horrible Ice Warriors?"
>
> "Oh, I shouldn't worry, Victoria," the Doctor reassured her,
>while readjusting his line. "We've arrived far too early to meet any
>of them. There's nothing to worry about now, why even the atmosphere's
>breathable for us at this point in time. Right now, Mars is really a
>lovely little spot, if a trifle cold."

Mike: Like a girl I used to date in high school. Lovely, yet a little cold.

> "Even so," Victoria said, "how could we even be fishing on Mars?
>I thought all the canals were dry."
>
> "Oh, well, by your time the canals have dried, but now they're
>packed with fish." The Doctor peered down at his float and sighed.
>"Well, they were packed with fish the last time I was here. Now, I
>wonder when that was..."

Crow: Yeah, whip out the 500 year diary...C'mon...I know you have it!

> "Doctor, you may have caught fish then," Jamie interrupted, "but how do
>you plan to catch some fish without even using any bait?"

Tom: [Doctor] Well, Jamie...You didn't have any plans of settling down
in the future, did you?
[Crow snickers]

> "Oh, bait takes all the challenge out of the art, Jamie," the
>Doctor said. "And I hate dealing with those fiddly little worms."

Tom: [Doctor] Especially ones from Gangrenous VI. They tend to scream
a lot as you drop them in the water.

> "Well, if you don't mind, I think I'll go back to the TARDIS
>if you don't mind," Victoria said, already standing up.
>
> "Oh, well, if you want to, Victoria, we'll follow along shortly,"
>the Doctor said.
>
> Victoria folded up her chair and set off over the ridge towards
>the TARDIS. They had landed a few hundred yards from the riverbed, but
>the red terrain was rocky and uneven, making travel of any sort
>difficult at best.

Crow: Yeah...makes it real easy to trip and sprain an ankle.
Mike: You know...at this point, I could see it being filmed at any number
of the local quarries in England.
Tom: Yep.
Crow: Uh-huh.

> Just as she reached the bottom of the small valley before the
>last ridge, over which sat the TARDIS, a fierce wind blew up and the
>sand was whipped up into tiny vortices, disorientating Victoria and
>making navigation near impossible.

Crow: Of course, just blindfolding and spinning her around has the same
effect.

>Still, Victoria had a fairly good sense of where the TARDIS lay,

Mike: Using her keen, extraordinary Vic-senses..

>and since it was closer than the Doctor and Jamie, she pressed on, every
>step a struggle against the forbidding wind.

Tom: Ah.. I see she went to the Shatner School for Method Acting as well..

>She pushed her way up and gained the ridge,
>but Victoria couldn't see a trace of the dark blue police box that
>was home to herself and her friends. The sand swirled all around her,
>getting in her eyes and forcing her to screw her eyes shut.

[Crow makes screwing noises]

>She stumbled forwards a few steps, blindly groping for anything solid.

[Crow snickers loudly]
Mike: Crow, hush.

>The sand provided little traction and Victoria tumbled to the bottom of
>the ridge, hitting her head on the packed sand on her way down.
>

Crow: I told ya this would happen...

> * * * * *
>
> The sand was really whipping up outside now, once the storm
>had started, Jamie and the Doctor had abandoned their fish gear and
>fought their entire way to the TARDIS, with little to guide them
>but the Doctor's "perhaps this way"'s and "over here, I think"'s. They
>had entered the console room, only to find Victoria made rather
>conspicuous by her absence.

Tom: Of course, for them, it was all the better..

> "Doctor!" Jamie said with more than a little of his Highlander
>temper apparent. "Let's go, Victoria's obviously never made it to the
>TARDIS, or else she'd be inside. We've got to find her."
>
> "Now, Jamie," the Doctor tried to calm him. "I'm sure Victoria
>found cover behind a sand dune or something. Besides, we can't do
>anything without protection against the storm. Now come on, I'm sure
>I've got something in the wardrobe room for chilly sandstorms, or
>something close enough."

Tom: [Doctor] I'm sure she'll be fine, Jamie. Everything will be all right.
Her death will be quick and painless, I'm sure.

> Sighing resignedly, Jamie followed the Doctor into the depths
>of the TARDIS. Some days he wondered just what really rattled about
>inside his alien friend's head.

Mike: Jamie honestly wondered as he could hear it clink around at times
when the Doctor napped.

> * * * * *
>
> The Ka'baa aren't really something to see. Your average Ka'baa
>is really your average humanoid (a term that throws Grellib's theory
>of an infinite universe populated by beings of infinitely variable
>shapes out the window and into the briars), they stand about five and
>a half feet high, two arms, two legs, and twenty digits evenly spaced
>on the appendages. Their faces are considered quite normal by
>Terran standards, two eyes, a nose, a mouth, and two ears on either
>side. In other words, the Ka'baa are the middle class of the galaxy.

Tom: And the whole social order of the galaxy, they were ranked just
below the amoeba that run around the human bloodstream!

> The only thing that differentiates them from Terrans is the fact
>that Ka'baa have enormous mental resources, which normally go untapped
>throughout their natural lives.

Crow: Owing to the greatest human weapons of all time: the Television
and the Spice Girls.

>But then the Osirans found the Ka'baa homeworld and took the majority of
>the population by force and left the rest under guard for breeding. The
>Ka'baa slaves were normally used to power and pilot the Osiran ships,

Mike: Of course, the slaves would often die of exhaustion before the ships
made it out of orbit.
Tom: Really? How?
Mike: All the rowing...

>sadly however, the strain would often either shatter a Ka'baa's sanity,
>or simply kill them.

Crow: I think this story could do just the same...

> At the moment, the Ka'baa that crewed the Osiran scout pyramid
>were all rushing about unpacking. Unpacking what you might ask?

All: What were they unpacking???

>Well,being of an abnormally normal biochemistry, the Ka'baa aren't very
>well-suited for most environments the Osirans might have an interest
>in.

Tom: Something about only being able to breathe in nitrous oxide and
carbon monoxide.
Crow: Did they breathe fire as well?
Mike: Transform into car-eating monsters?
Crow: Thrive on jet fuel?

>So the Osirans built their servitor robots, thought-powered
>constructs that resembled a well-built mummy.

Mike: Bill Mummy?

>
> Well, with the servitors unpacked and running off the thought
>pool generated by the now unneeded Ka'baa, the robots set to work
>outside the ship. Right now, the servitors' task was to assess the
>area and determine the site for the camp. However, the servitors had
>barely left the ship when eight Martians approached them.

Tom: [Richard Burton] The Servitors watched as the Martians raised the
Heat-Ray and opened fire.
Mike: ULLA!
Tom: [Richard Burton] At that point, the Servitors were doomed. No one and
nothing could stand against the Martians.

> As the green reptilian bipeds prostrated themselves before the
>uncaring machines, the watching mind activated a subroutine in the
>servitors and smiled as the bipeds were collected and brought aboard.

Crow: What a lovely meal these will make...I hear they taste like liquorice.

>Soon, these eight primitives would be processed and go to collect
>others of their kind. The new recruits would be converted and they
>would in turn collect others. Kahenton's army would soon be built, and
>he found that good.

Tom: Resistance is USELESS!!!!

>
> * * * * *
>
> Jamie silently cursed in frustration, Once the Doctor had found
>the equipment he wanted, two insulated suits with respirators they had
>found, surprisingly enough, shoved into a broken grandfather clock;
>they had left the safety of the TARDIS and braved the sandstorm
>outside. The sand whirled around them, scouring their suits and making
>visibility a fairy tale.

Mike: And now...the story of the Two Blind Time-Travellers...

>
> The Doctor peered out into the storm and shouted, his voice
>muffled by respirator and wind, "Jamie, look over there, something's
>moving!"

Crow: Something...EVIL????

> "Aye, I see it Doctor. It's coming this way, too!"
>
> The shape the Doctor had sighted saw grew closer and larger.
>
> The Doctor squinted at the shape as they grew closer and his
>eyes widened in alarm. The Doctor said, "Jamie, when I say run, you
>run."
>
> "But why Doctor?" Jamie protested, "We don't even what it is yet,
>let alone if it's going to attack us or not."

Mike: [Jamie] Or if we can have our way wit' the beastie...

> But then the shape finally resolved itself into a large, gray,
>sinuous shape. As the head of the beast darted like an arrow towards
>them, it swiftly became Jamie's opinion that the Doctor had just
>landed them into one of the largest hornet's nests yet.
>
> "Right, run!"
>
>To be continued...supposedly.

Tom: Oh yeah...somebody has faith in this story...
Crow: Almost makes you want to...not go on...
Mike: C'mon guys...it's not that bad.
Tom and Crow: It is.

>MIA #3 "Red Dawn"

Crow: Kewl. Swayze continues!

>Chapter 2
>Mars Attacks!
>By Brad Trechak (Lor...@aol.com)

Crow: [Deep Vader-like voice] I find your lack of faith disturbing..
Mike: No...but, LordBPT! It was Admiral Piett that said it... *Gak!*

> Jaime took off towards the TARDIS.

Tom: Huh? Jaime? Who's that? Are we in some alt.universe now?
Crow: [Looks around] Where's Mistress Mel? [Makes drooling noises]

>He was followed by the Doctor. Despite the greater speed at which the
>Doctor and Jaime

Tom: There he is again. What happened to Jamie? Arrrgh.

>could run under Mars' lighter gravity (roughly one-third that of Earth), the
>beast still gained on them. The Doctor quickly motioned Jaime to run off >in another direction. The young Highlander did so, and the beast followed
>him.

Tom: [Doctor] Quick! Run off that way and find Jamie, Jaime!

> The Doctor had a few precious seconds to act. Searching his own
>pockets furiously, the Doctor pulled out a small object. Meanwhile,
>Jaime lost his footing in the sand and the beast was upon him. The
>creature
>stopped for a moment to survey its prey and Jaime saw it quite clearly.

Mike: I think at this point we can assume that Jaime is Jamie.
Tom: Ya think?
[Mike nods]

>Its body was uniformly grey with a small, sinuous body. The monster's
>head was similar to that of a wolf, while the body was like that of a
>monkey (at least, if the monkey took a lot of steroids, but Jaime didn't
>know what steroids were).

Crow: Nor does he know what a monkey is as well. So the whole point is
moot.

>The Doctor ran to the edge of the dune and held the object to his
>mouth. He blew into the object and the beast screamed and ran away.
>Jaime and the Doctor turned the opportunity to run like hell to the TARDIS.
>
> They quickly shut the door behind them.
>
> "How did you do that?" asked Jaime.

Tom: [Doctor] Ah, well, Jamie...it was one of devices you stumbled
upon earlier...

>"Dog whistle," smiled the Doctor, as he showed Jaime the object in his
>hand.
>
> "What was tha' beast?" asked Jaime, catching his breath.
>
> "A wild Yad!

Mike: Ahh...the pointless name-dropping reference in any fan-fiction.

> "They were once used for Martian sacrificial purposes but
>this one has obviously not been used."
>
> "Ach. How ferocious can they be?"

Crow: From what I've heard, they're very tame and make no sense...

> "When they're hungry? Very."
>
> The Doctor activated the monitor and both of them saw the Yad. It
>sniffed around the TARDIS door, then sat and waited.

Tom: [Doctor] It's waiting...
Mike: [Jamie] To do what?
Tom: Flame us.

> "Oh dear," said the Doctor. "It knows we're in here."
>
> "So, what do we do now?" asked Jaime.
>
> "We wait it out."
>
> "But Victoria might still be out there."

Tom: [Doctor] At this point, Jamie...She's either been eaten or stripped
clean of flesh.

>"I know. I hope she's safe."
>
>
> Victoria wasn't safe. She was buried in about an inch of sand when
>the Doctor, Jaime, and a wild Yad passed her in the distance. The
>sandstorm had died down, and Victoria began to regain her senses. She
>groaned, and sand sputtered out of her mouth. She lifted herself up, and
>sand fell down her back. There was sand even down her windpipe, which
>made it difficult to breathe and impossible to speak.

Crow: And scream?!?

>Her throat hurt and she was really starting to hate sand. Of course, all
>this was moot when she found herself facing two Martians on a
>pilgrimage.
>She tried to scream, but ended up in a coughing fit instead.

Crow: Called it.

> "What is it?" asked the first Martian, who was named Ssturn.
>
> "I don't know," answered the second Martian, who was named Sskrantz.

Tom: Is it food?
Mike: [Singing] Does she walk? Does she talk? Does she come complete?

>Victoria had never seen Martians without their cybernetic armor
>before.

Crow: Her eyes widened at the sight of the Martian's --
[Mike clamps his hand over Crow's mouth]

>In terms of skin, they looked identical to the Ice Warriors she
>was familiar with. However, their physiques were much smaller and
>their natural eyes (rather than the red visors fixed into their military
>helmets) were a uniform black. Ssturn curiously grabbed at her sleeve
>and tore a hunk of it off. Victoria let out a short yelp.

Tom: Look...water is leaking from her eyes..

> "A beast of some sort, obviously. Perhaps we could use it as a
>sacrifice when we reach Olympus Mons?"

Mike: Later...I like to play with things a while...before annihilation..

> "Says the one who lost the Yad," dryly answered Sskrantz.
>
> "Look, the outer shell is removable," continued Ssturn, holding the
>piece of her coat sleeve.

Crow: Perhaps this something more to this beast..

> "So? So is the shell of a Bog Beetle," said Sskrantz.
>
> "Who are you? Are you Martians?" croaked Victoria.
>
> "The beast can speak," said Ssturn, slightly taken aback.
>
> "Of course I can speak. What's this about using me as a sacrifice?"
>

Tom: Ah, but sacrifices get the best treatment. Food, wine, men, all the
things a girl could want...

> "Well," said Ssturn. "Let's answer your first questions. I am
>Sskrantz and this is Ssturn." He paused for a moment. "No, wait. I am
>Ssturn and this is Sskrantz.

Mike: Ahhh. The Hitchhikers' reference. Second only in common with the
Name-dropper.

>We are Martians on a pilgrimage to see the High Ones. Aren't you a
>Martian?"
>(Author's Note: The native Martians didn't actually call the planet Mars at
>this time. That came later. The current name they use is about 300
>letters long. For simplicity's sake,let's just call the planet Mars).

Tom: Kinda like Spock's Vulcan name, or the Doctor's Gallifreyan one.

> "No. I'm from Earth."
>
> "What is Earth?" asked Sskrantz.

Crow: Can you give us directions? We're bored here, and need a vacation
spot to conquer.

> "It's another world. Right next to this one." Sskrantz and Ssturn
>stared at each other for a moment. An unseen communication passed
>between them and Ssturn turned back toward Victoria.

Tom: Perhaps it has escaped from the hospital.
Crow: Or manna from heaven!
Mike: [Fakes ripping off a mask from Victoria] It's Mr. Smith, the kindly
old man who runs the amusement park...
Tom: Yeah, and I could've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those
pesky Martians...

> "Very good. You can do us a great favor then."

Crow: Join us for supper.

> "What is that?"

Crow: Where we cook you over a fire and dine on your flesh.

> "You can join us as we welcome the arrival of the High Ones. The ones
>foretold."
>
> "I'm sorry. But I really have to find my friends." Sskrantz and
>Ssturn looked at each other once again for a moment, then Sskrantz held
>up his hand.

Tom: Stop. I command IT!

> "There appears to be a miscommunication here. Let me rephrase. Join
>us or I'll shoot you." Sskrantz held his hand close to Victoria's head.
>It held a small device with a switch on it. Predictably, Victoria
>screamed.

Crow: Called it.

> The Ka'baa pilot was named Ka'bob (no, really). His primary duty
>(other than being the pilot) was to oversee the conversion of the native
>Martian population into slaves. If they were fit and able, he would order
>them enslaved. If not, they would be destroyed and Mars would be mined
>for raw materials. The Martians that were already taken were somewhat
>resistant, but that was to be expected. They would fall. Just as the
>other races fell.

Tom: Re...ssssistance issss Uselesss...
Mike: Must...fight...back..

>Just as the Ka'baa fell (Ka'bob felt a sharp

Crow: Sharp? Ka'bob? Hmm. Bad pun!

>emotion as he remembered that. For the life of him, he couldn't
>remember why.
>Side effects of being a pilot, he supposed). Of course, their upbringing in
>the light gravity of the planet made them unsuitable for manual tasks.
>Something would have to be done about that before Kohentan was
>awakened.

Tom: NOOOO, Jurassic Park III! Breeding Martians and having them run
amok!
Others: Ahhh!

>Ka'bob ordered more mummies to be sent for the capture of the native
>population. Another Ka'baa nodded and went off to do so.
>
> Ka'bob thought again of Kohentan, and that thought sent an involuntary
>shudder through Ka'bob's spine, although he wasn't consciously aware of
>it. After all, Kohentan was the harbinger of Horus the Immortal.

Mike: Well, you have to wonder if scrawling your name across the moon
is really immortality.

> The Doctor and Jaime sat in the console room, trying to figure out a
>way around the Yad. Jaime suggested using the dog whistle again, but the
>Doctor thought it unlikely that the trick would work twice.
>
> "You know," said the Doctor. "I think we've arrived on Mars just
>after the Martian Black Plague."
>
> "Wha'?" asked Jaime. The Doctor took that as a cue to begin tutelage.

Continued in Part 2 of 6...

-----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==-----
http://www.dejanews.com/ Now offering spam-free web-based newsreading

[Paul Andinach]

On Fri, 15 May 1998 Clo...@my-dejanews.com wrote:

> MiSTed: "MIA #3: Red Dawn" -
>
> MiSTed by: Tyler "The Clown" Dion (editor), Kris "Antiwesley"
> Herzog, Greg McCambley, John "Omega" Seavey, and Vadal.

What is this "MiSTed" thing anyway?

Keep in mind that I'm an Australian, so many American TV references
go straight past me.

Paul
--
"...the greater part of my wardrobe is black... it's a sensible
colour. It goes with anything. Well, anything black..."
- Neil Gaiman

[David Rubin]

Well, this first part was funny, but I seem to have missed the second part...

Cheers,
David S. Rubin <dsr...@execpc.com> - Certified Novell Administrator!
[Rahvin (Guardian of the Knowledge, Mystical -<SHAMAN>-) on Mystic Adventures]
{Rahvin on OurPlace}

--
"There are rules: Don't talk with your mouth full; don't open an airlock when
somebody's inside it; and, DON'T lie about your genetic status!"

--Jack, ST:DS9 "Statistical Probabilities"

[Clo...@my-dejanews.com]

Paul Andinach <pand...@mermaid.ucc.gu.uwa.edu.au> wrote:
>
> On Fri, 15 May 1998 Clo...@my-dejanews.com wrote:
>

> > MiSTed: "MIA #3: Red Dawn" -
> >
> > MiSTed by: Tyler "The Clown" Dion (editor), Kris "Antiwesley"
> > Herzog, Greg McCambley, John "Omega" Seavey, and Vadal.
>

> What is this "MiSTed" thing anyway?
>
> Keep in mind that I'm an Australian, so many American TV references
> go straight past me.

"MiSTed" comes from the TV show "Mystery Science Theater 3000." It's a show
about how a guy (Mike) and his robot friends are trapped in space by an evil
mad scientist and forced to watch cheesy movies.

The MiSTings are fandom's way of dealing with bad fanfic and e-mail spam.
Well, that and it's great for your ego.

[Jefferson Eng]

On Fri, 15 May 1998 Clo...@my-dejanews.com wrote:

> The MiSTings are fandom's way of dealing with bad fanfic and e-mail spam.
> Well, that and it's great for your ego.

Yeah, it showed me that my chapter of Red Dawn wasn't really that bad at
all. <smirk>

Jefferson Eng

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
harder.
-- Pope John Paul I

[Clo...@my-dejanews.com]

Jefferson Eng <j_...@csunix1.lvc.edu> wrote:
>
> On Fri, 15 May 1998 Clo...@my-dejanews.com wrote:
>
> > The MiSTings are fandom's way of dealing with bad fanfic and e-mail spam.
> > Well, that and it's great for your ego.
>
> Yeah, it showed me that my chapter of Red Dawn wasn't really that bad at
> all. <smirk>

We *are* talking about the chapter in which three humans and two Ice
Warriors survived the destruction of a pyramid/space ship at ground
zero, correct?

I thought so.

<whistles innocently>
--
Tyler Dion E-mail: Clo...@sprynet.com
?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?
"I just wanna know when Doctor Who is gonna quit with the
Time Lord bit and go back to treating all the sick 'Who's
down in Whoville."
-- Mike Nelson in "MiSTed: 'Red Dawn'"