[MiSTed] Lessons of History (1/4)
Matthew Miller
LESSONS OF HISTORY by Evan Hodges
MiSTed by Matthew W. Miller <ma...@infinet.com>
[ Titles ]
o...2...3...4...5...6.../
[ SoL bridge. TOM and CROW are both reading a comic book. ]
TOM: What the heck *is* that in his `lunch', anyway?
CROW: I dunno.
TOM: Well, why is that guy Glotz not wearing any shirt?
CROW: I dunno.
TOM: And that witch-looking woman with one eye squinted shut--do you suppose she
*has* that eye?
CROW: I dunno.
[ MIKE walks over ]
MIKE: Hi, guys. What's that you're reading?
CROW: Oh, it's _Mad_ comics, reprint book #1.
TOM: Yeah, Crow thinks it's funny, but I say it's just weird.
CROW: It *is* funny.
TOM: Oh, it is? Okay, why's it funny?
CROW: Oh...I dunno.
MIKE: We'll be right back.
[ Commercials--Made up of 10% local shoe store ads, 20% ads for movies which
should be on MST3k but aren't, and 70% psychic hot lines ]
[ SoL bridge ]
TOM: Okay, when's the next issue coming out?
CROW: Well...right now, actually. But I can't find a local store that has it.
TOM: Really? How'd you get this first one, then?
CROW: Uh...I dunno.
MIKE: Guys! [saying it like it's a nasty disease] `Her royal majesty' is
calling.
[ VW bus/rocketship ]
PEARL: So nice to see you again! And talking sense for once. I think. Well,
you've seen plenty of crossovers in your time, haven't you?
[ SoL ]
MIKE: Sure. Star Trek/Highlander crossovers...
TOM: Highlander/Quantum Leap crossovers...
CROW: Chip and Dale/Secret of Nimh crossovers...
[ VW bus ]
PEARL: Well, then, this sounds right up your alley. Would you believe...a
Superman/Star Trek fanfic?
[ SoL ]
MIKE: Hey, wait, that's impossible...how can anyone from the Superman series
*possibly* live until the 24th century?
TOM: Well, that never stopped Clara what's-her-name from mixing Star Wars, which
takes place, quote, "Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away," with Trek,
now did it?
CROW: Servo, I hate when you're right about things that are so painful.
[ VW bus ]
PEARL: Too true, my little fireplug friend. This is "Lessons of History," a
super-bad fanfic that I'm super-sure you'll find superlatively soporific.
Eat crossover and die!
[ SoL; alarms ]
TOM: Fireplug?! Why, you...
ALL: OH, NO, WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!
/...6...5...4...3...2...o
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>Date: Wed, 14 May 1997 15:14:47
>From: <John.Campbell>
TOM: Any relation to Bruce?
CROW: If Bruce was related to this guy, he'd probably kill himself.
>Subject: CHECK THIS OUT...
MIKE: Watch this! I'm Jumpin' Jack Flash, it's a gas, gas, gas...
>X-UIDL: e53dfe4652ed0bb5504d8903847f8af9
>Status: O
TOM: Zero status, zero personality, zero point.
>Date: Wed, 14 May 1997 15:14:47
>From: <John.Campbell>
>
>
>
>
>I got this mailed to me 2 weeks ago.
MIKE: From some guy named Kaczynski...
> I decided to try it. It seems
>like it will work. The investment in time and money is pretty low.
CROW: Much like the lottery.
>And the likelihood of success is high.
TOM: Just look at how rich I am all of a sudden.
>
>My friend, Ralph, decided to do this by postal mail(as was
>originally intended) and the orders have started to come in for
>him
MIKE: ...to appear in court.
> (he did his first mailout 2 weeks ago).
>
>I will send you a nicely formatted copy of this program suitable
>for postal mailout when you order report #1 from me.
>
>Anyhow, check it out, I think its going to be a really good deal
>for all of us.
>
>If I can answer any questions, feel free to call me at
>713-992-8473
>
>John Campbell
>POB 710 MS 105
>Friendswood, TX. 77549-0710
CROW: Now, why would someone give their phone number and address out to millions
of strangers?
TOM: You'd have to be really stup-- er, never mind.
>
>
>
>
>
MIKE: Looks like jes' 'bout time t'harvest that thar broket crop, ah reckon.
>>
>> PRINT THIS OUT AND READ IT LATER
>>
>> YOU ARE ABOUT TO MAKE AT LEAST $50,000.00 IN LESS THAN 90 DAYS IN TH=
>E
>> COMFORT OF YOUR OWN HOME...
>>
>> READ THE ENCLOSED LETTER... THEN READ IT AGAIN!!!
CROW: It was much better than _Cats_...
ALL: I'm going to read it again...and again...and again...
>>
>> Dear Friend,
>>
>> The attached information is something I almost let slip through my
>> fingers. Fortunately, after some study, I found that this program is
>> indeed unique. You must follow the instructions and keep these 4 things=
>
>> in mind:
>>
>> =B7
MIKE: Uh...Bart Simpson...wearing sunglasses...why is his mouth shaped like
that?
TOM: If it's Bart Simpson, his mouth is *always* shaped like that.
>> INSIGHT: It is necessary to see the great possibilities that this
>> marketing program contains. Read it several times, and calculate the
>> numbers yourself. You will see the amazing results that can be obtained=
>=2E
>>
>> =B7
CROW: No, really this article = BS.
>> INVESTMENT: In yourself. Every endeavor which produces a profit
>> requires some degree of investment, be it time, money, or resources for=
>
>> the potential gain that can come to you. The investment is
>> insignificant.
MIKE: Otherwise you wouldn't keep the guys above you plugging away at it.
>>
>> =B7 APPLICATION: There is no such thing as a FREE LUNCH! Even this
>> opportunity requires some effort and time, as every successful venture
>> does.
TOM: Oh, just get on with it and tell us to send you all our money, already.
>>
>> =B7 PATIENCE: After you have done what the program instructs, it will t=
>ake
>> a little time before you see a good response.
CROW: Shortly before Judgement Day, you may actually see a profit.
>> You must be willing to
>> wait 20-90 days for the program to work...and it does work!!!
MIKE: Yes, it works! No, really! Honest, it works!
>>
>> This is a LEGITIMATE, LEGAL, money making opportunity. It does not
>> require that you come into contact with people, do any hard work, or
>> even leave the house,
TOM: Allowing you to concentrate on getting that beautiful, milky-white skin.
CROW: Fauxx would just adore this scheme.
MIKE: Who?
CROW: Uhhhh...never mind.
>> except to get the mail. This is the break you hav=
>e
>> been waiting for!!! Simply follow the easy instructions, and your dream=
>s
>> will come true. This multi-level mail order marketing program works
>> perfectly...100% of the time-EVERY TIME!!!
MIKE: It just depends who it works 100% perfectly *for*, that's all.
>>
>> Thousands of people have used this program to raise capital
CROW: Like my imaginary friend Steve over there...
>> to start
>> their own business, pay off debts, and even to retire. This is your
>> chance, so don't pass it up. FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS EXACTLY. And, in
>> 20-90 days you will receive over $50,000.00!!!
TOM: Of course, just what's being sold isn't important at all.
>>
>> **************************************************
MIKE: Argh, not another centipede!
>>
>> TESTIMONIALS
>>
>> Before you throw this program in the trash, as I almost did, take the
>> time to re-read it and really think about it. Get a pencil and figure
>> out what can happen when you participate.
CROW: Either of you guys got a pencil?
MIKE: Well, I've got a runny ball-point pen.
CROW: Eh, never mind, there isn't any paper around here anyway.
>> Even if you calculate the
>> worst possible response, you will still make a lot of money. I even
>> checked with the U.S. Post Office to verify that this marketing program=
>
>> is legal. It definitely is (Refer to title 18, section 1302 of the
>> Postal & Lottery Code.)
TOM: Also be sure to check at the friendly Better Business Bureau,
http://www.bosbbb.org/lit/0003.htm
>> Any doubts that you have will vanish when your
>> first orders come. IT WORKS!
>> Paul Johnson, Raleigh, NC
>>
>> I am retired and have plenty of time to mail letters. I was very
>> reluctant to get involved with these so-called "schemes". Somebody
>> should have kicked me sooner. I have already made $126,000.00.
MIKE: I'm old and retired and have gobs of money. Please, rob me now!
>> A. Zurki, Philadelphia, PA
>>
>> This is the only realistic money-making offer I have ever received. I
>> have participated because this marketing program makes sense. I only
>> sent out 200 packages,
TOM: Only?
>> but I was surprised when the $5.00 bills started=
>
>> filling my mail box. By the time it tapered off, I had received 8,000
>> orders with over $40,000 in CASH! Dozens of people have sent warm
>> personal notes too, all sharing the news of their good fortune. It's
>> been wonderful!
CROW: You're a wonderful audience. G'night.
>> Carl Winslow, Tulsa, OK
>>
>> Hi, my name is Bill Nelson.
ALL: Hi, Bill!
MIKE: Don't worry, Bill. Here at Suckers Anonymous, we're all friends.
>> In September 1989, my car was repossessed
>> and bill collectors were hounding me like you wouldn't believe. I was
>> laid off and my unemployment had run out.
TOM: Who is this, David Rhodes after a name change?
>> In October 1989, I received
>> this marketing program in the mail telling me how I could earn
>> $50,000.00 or more whenever I wanted to. I was naturally very skeptical=
>,
>> but I decided to try it because I was desperate and really had nothing
>> to lose. In January of 1990, my family and I went on a 10 day cruise. I=
>n
>> February 1990, I bought a brand new 1990 Cadillac with CASH! Today I am=
>
>> very well off. I have made over $200,000.00 and plan to be a millionair=
>e
>> within the next 4-6 months. Anyone, believe me, can do the same thing. =
>I
>> have never failed to earn at least $50,000.00!
MIKE: ...when playing Monopoly.
>> Bill Nelson, Los Angeles, CA
>>
>> I would like to say to the "DISBELIEVERS",
TOM: Great, it's a biblical tract now.
CROW: Written by Robert McElwaine.
TOM: Well, ALMO$T.
>> this is the second
>> multi-level marketing program that I have responded to. The first
>> one cost me $70.00 and with this one I have already earned $88,435.00
>> and with more coming in! I expect even better results with this program=
>=2E
>> J.T. Adams, Gila Bend, AZ
CROW: How much you wanna bet these are all the same guy under aliases?
TOM: Now *that's* a guaranteed money-making scheme.
>>
>> This is my third time participating in this marketing program. The firs=
>t
>> time, about four months ago, I was full of doubts, but I still sent out=
>
>> 100 programs. Before it was over, I had received 3792 orders for a cash=
>
>> income of $18,960. About six weeks ago, my wife and I both sent out
>> 1,000 programs. From that mailing, we have received over $87,000! The
>> next mailing will be 15,000 names.
MIKE: Yes, you too can rip off other people just as badly as they rip you off.
>> We have quit our jobs, and quite soo=
>n
>> will buy a home on the beach and live off the interest from our money.
>> The only way on earth this program will work for you is: IF YOU DO IT!
>> For your sake and your family's, don't pass up this golden opportunity.=
CROW: After all, your family can send you money too, right?
>
>> Remember, when you order your four reports, send CASH! Checks have to
>> clear the bank and create many delays.
TOM: Like, making sure if the transaction is legal?
MIKE: Naaaaaaahhhh.
>> Good luck and happy sending!
>> Charles Fairchild, Spokane, WA
>>
>> Six months ago I was broke. Today I have $91,250. I am a believer!
>> Multi-level marketing, I THANK YOU!
TOM: o/` You didn't have to love me like you did... o/`
>> Tommy Jaynet, Waco, TX
>>
>> **************************************************
>>
>> A PERSONAL NOTE FROM THE ORIGINATOR OF THIS PROGRAM
CROW: Now, do you think the originator's going to give his name out?
>>
>> By the time you read the enclosed information and look over the reports=
>,
>> you will conclude that such a program, and one that is legal, could not=
>
>> have been created by an amateur.
MIKE: Yes, I'm a professional crook.
>>
>> Let me tell you a little bit about myself.
CROW: o/` Please let me introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste o/`
>> I had a profitable business
>> for ten years. Then in 1979, my business began falling off.
TOM: People decided playing Pong was a better investment.
>> I was doing=
>
>> the same things that were previously successful, but they just were not=
>
>> working.
MIKE: Now that customers were smelling my breath first-hand.
>>
>> Finally I figured out that it was not me, but rather the economy.
>> Inflation and recession had replaced the stable economic growth that ha=
>d
>> been with us since 1945.
TOM: It's the economy! The economy did it! It's the economy's fault!
>> I don't have to tell you what happened to the
>> unemployment rate, because many of you know from first hand experience.=
>
>> There were more small business failures and bankruptcy than ever before=
>=2E
>> The middle class was vanishing. Those who knew what they were doing,
>> invested wisely and moved up. Those who did not, including those who
>> never had anything to save or invest, were moving down into the ranks o=
>f
>> the poor. The traditional methods of making money will never allow you
>> to move up or get rich. Inflation will see to that!
CROW: And I suppose this is a non-traditional method, right?
>>
>> You have just received information that can give you financial freedom
>> for the rest of your life! With no risk and with just a little bit of
>> effort, you can make more money in the next few months than you have
>> ever imagined!
MIKE: Of course, it's only a matter of time before either everybody's robbed
everybody else on the entire planet, or the whole thing gets shut down, but
what do you care?
>>
>> I should also point out that I will not see a penny of your money, or
>> that of anyone else who participates in this program. I have already
>> made OVER FOUR MILLION DOLLARS!!! I have retired from the program.
TOM: So it's harder for the cops to trace the scam to me. Smart, aren't I?
>>
>> Please follow the program EXACTLY AS IT IS INSTRUCTED. Do not change it=
>
>> in any way. It works exceedingly well as it is now. Remember to send a
>> copy of this exciting program to everyone you can think. Do not hesitat=
>e
>> about sending only a few dozen programs in the beginning. One of the
>> people you send to may send out 5,000...and your name will be on every
>> one of them. REMEMBER THOUGH: The more you send out, the more potential=
>
>> customers you will reach.
CROW: Also the more people you'll piss off and the more enemies you'll make!
>> So, my friend, I have given you the ideas,
>> information, materials, and the opportunity to become financially
>> independent. IT IS NOW UP TO YOU!
TOM: Up to me? But can I trust me?
>>
>> I am enjoying an early, secure retirement on the fortune I made by
>> sending out this program. You, too, will make easy money in 20-90
>> days...if you follow the simple steps outlined in this mailing. To be
>> financially independent is to be FREE. Free to make financial decisions=
>
>> as never before, go into business, invest, retire or take a vacation. N=
>o
>> longer will the lack of money hold you back.
MIKE: Yes, prison officials *do* tend to take care of that sort of thing.
>> However, very few people
>> reach financial independence because when opportunity knocks, they
>> choose to ignore it. It is much easier to say NO than to say YES, and
>> this is the question you must now answer...
CROW: Here's my answer: who cares?
>>
>> Will you ignore this amazing opportunity or will you take advantage of
>> it? If you don't think this is a spectacular opportunity, then re-read
>> this material for you have missed something. I should also point out
>> this program is legal and everyone who participates WILL make money.
>> THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER!
TOM: I prefer to think of it as a spam-o-gram.
>> You have probably received chain letters
>> asking you to send money, on faith that someone might break the chain
>> makes them quite unattractive. you are offering a legitimate product to=
>
>> your people.
MIKE: Yes, you are offering them to MAKE AT LEAST $50,000.00 IN LESS THAN 90
DAYS by sending you money so you can MAKE AT LEAST $50,000.00 IN LESS THAN
90 DAYS and send money to the uppers so they can MAKE AT LEAST $50,000.00
IN LESS THAN 90 DAYS and so on and so forth...
>> After they purchase the product from you, they reproduce
>> more and sell them.
>>
>> It's simple free enterprise. As you have seen from the enclosed
>> material, the product is a series of four (4) financial and business
>> reports.
TOM: Oh, let me guess. Are they reports about how to MAKE AT LEAST $50,000.00
IN LESS THAN 90 DAYS?
CROW: And IN THE COMFORT OF THEIR OWN HOMES, too?
>> The information contained in these reports will not only help
>> you on making your participation in this program more rewarding, but
>> will be useful to you for many other business decisions you will make i=
>n
>> the years ahead. You are also buying the right to reprint all reports
>> which will be ordered from you. The concise one and two page reports ca=
>n
>> be easily reproduced at a local copy center for about 3 cents a copy.
MIKE: Or even, say, distributed via Usenet?
TOM: What a boffoid idea.
>>
>> GOOD LUCK WITH THE PROGRAM AND GOD BLESS YOU!
>>
>> Edward L. Green
>>
>> P.S. MULTI-LEVEL MARKETING (MLM) has finally gained respectability. It
>> is being taught in the Harvard Business School, and both Stanford
>> Research and the Wall Street Journal have stated that between 50%-65% o=
>f
>> all goods and services will be sold through multi-level methods by the
>> mid-1990's.
CROW: It's 1997. Do you know where your multi-level marketers are?
>> This is a multi-billion dollar industry and, of the 500,000=
>
>> millionaires in the U.S., 20% (100,000) made their fortune in the last
>> seven years in Multi-Level Marketing. Moreover, statistics show 45
>> people become millionaires every day through Multi-Level Marketing.
MIKE: That would explain why everyone's been chuckling deviously at me lately.
>>
>> **************************************************
>>
>> INSTRUCTIONS
>> Follow these easy steps to achieve MAXIMUM results.
>>
>> In the MULTI-LEVEL MAIL ORDER MARKETING BUSINESS, we have a method of
>> raising capital that really works 100% every time! I am sure that you
>> could use $50,000.00 to $125,000 in the next 90 days. Before you say,
>> "BULL" please study this program carefully.
>>
>> THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER, but a perfectly legal, money-making
>> opportunity.
TOM: It is! No, really! Honest! I keep saying it is, so it must be!
>> Basically, this is what we do: As with all multi-level
>> businesses, we build our business by recruiting new partners and sellin=
>g
>> our products. Every state in the USA allows you to recruit new
>> multi-level business through the mail so you are not involved in
>> personal selling.
MIKE: Instead, you are an impersonal sucker.
>> You do it privately in your own home, store, or
>> office. Each $5.00 order you receive will have a self-addressed stamped=
>
>> envelope in it. To fill each order, you simply put the product (one of
>> four financial & business reports) in the envelope and mail it back.
>> That'sit...the $5.00 is yours! This is the GREATEST mail order marketin=
>g
>> program anywhere!
>>
>> 1. Order all four (4) reports listed and numbered. Do this by ordering
>> one report from each of the four (4) names listed on the page below. Fo=
>r
>> each report, send $5.00 in CASH and a SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE
>> (business size #10) to the person listed and REQUEST THE SPECIFIC
>> REPORT. You will need all four reports because you will be reprinting
>> and selling them.
CROW: You'll need all four, but you have to buy them separately. Oh, we're not
trying to leech *your* money away at all...
>> Do not alter names or their sequence other than how
>> the instructions tell you.
>>
>> 2. Replace the name and address under REPORT ONE with yours, moving the=
>
>> one that was there down to REPORT TWO. Drop the name and address under
>> REPORT TWO down to REPORT THREE, moving the one that was under REPORT
>> THREE to REPORT FOUR which is dropped from the list, and that person is=
>
>> in no doubt on the way to the bank! Type the names and address on a
>> small piece of paper and tape them in their new positions. when doing
>> this, make certain that you type the names and addresses ACCURATELY. DO=
>
>> NOT MOVE PRODUCT/REPORT POSITIONS!!!
MIKE: Do not taunt Happy Fun Report!
>>
>> 3. Having made the required changes in the NAME list, take this page an=
>d
>> all others you have received (all that came in this package) to your
>> "QUICKPRINT" shop and have as many copies made as you can afford to mai=
>l
>> out. You can always print more later as the need arises. The more copie=
>s
>> printed, the bigger the discount.
TOM: And the more money you'll save by, uh, spending money!
MIKE: Wait, that doesn't make sense.
CROW: It does to plenty of people who hoard coupons.
>>
>> 4. Send a copy of the entire program (all of it is very important to
>> everyone whose name and address you can get your hands on). Start with
>> friends and family since you can encourage them to take advantage of
>> this fabulous money-making opportunity!
TOM: Yeah, why not lose your friends as soon as possible?
>> Then, as your time and finances=
>
>> allow, mail to anyone and everyone! Use your imagination, you can get
>> names and addresses from the phone book and other publications. Best of=
>
>> all, purchase a MAILING LIST. This will give you the advantage of
>> quality names in the quantity you desire, and the list is already on
>> stick-on labels, so you can just peel them off and put them on your
>> envelopes. You will find a good name list will make you more money than=
>
>> any other approach.
CROW: Better suckers guaranteed, or your money back! To us!
>> It's a GREAT INVESTMENT: IMPORTANT: You won't get a=
>
>> good response if you use an old list, so always request a FRESH, NEW
>> LIST. You will find out where to purchase these lists when you order th=
>e
>> four (4) reports.
>>
>> **************************************************
>>
>> HERE IS HOW THIS AMAZING PROGRAM WILL MAKE YOU $$$
TOM: Huh? Are we in _Amazing Discoveries_ all of a sudden?
CROW: Multi-Level Marketing of juice-making machines; sounds novel.
MIKE: MAKE.FAKE.HAIR.FAST!
>>
>> Let's say you decide to start small, just to see how it goes, and we
>> will assume you and all those involved send out only 200 programs each.=
>
>> Let's also assume that the mailing receives a 5% response. Using a good=
>
>> list, the response could easily be much better. Also, many people will
>> send thousands of programs instead of only 200.
MIKE: Now, it's getting scary.
>> But, continuing with
>> this example, you send out 200 programs. With a 5% response, you will
>> get 10 orders for REPORT ONE (10 people who respond by sending out 200
>> programs each) for a total of 2000. The 5% response to that brings 100
>> orders for REPORT TWO. They mail out 200 programs for a total of 20,000=
>
>> and the 5% response from that is 1,000 orders for REPORT THREE. The
>> 1,000 send out 200,000 programs total (1,000 x 200 each) and the 5%
>> response to that is 10,000 orders for REPORT FOUR and 10,000 five dolla=
>r
>> bills for you!!!
>> 1st level - 10 people respond out of 200 with $5...............$50.
>> 2nd level - 10 respond to those 10 ($5 x 100).................$500.
>> 3rd level - 10 respond to those 100 ($5 x 1,000)............$5,000.
>> 4th level - 10 respond to those 1,000 (10,000 $5 bills)....$50,000.
CROW: Neat how they all work out to ten times each other, isn't it?
>>
>> *Your total income in this example is: $50 + $500 + $5,000 + $50,000 =3D=
>
>> $55,550.
>>
>> REMEMBER, THIS IS ASSUMING THAT 95 OUT OF EVERY 100 PEOPLE YOU SEND TO
>> WILL DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...AND TRASH THIS PROGRAM. DARE TO THINK WHAT=
>
>> WOULD HAPPEN IF EVERYONE SENT OUT 1,000 PROGRAMS INSTEAD OF 200!!!
MIKE: Especially after you've ripped off everyone on the whole planet, after
about five go-'rounds, and there's no one left to filch from.
>> Believe me, many people will do that much and more. By the way, at
>> current prices, your cost to send out 200 programs is less than $100.00=
>=2E
>> The participation fee is ridiculously low when you consider what you
>> have to gain. Consider yourself fortunate to be invited to participate
>> in a program that REALLY WORKS!!!
>>
>> **************************************************
>>
>> TIPS FOR SUCCESS
>>
>> TREAT THIS AS A BUSINESS. Send for the four reports IMMEDIATELY so you
>> will have them when the orders start coming in because when you receive=
>
>> a $5.00 order, you MUST SEND out the requested product/report to comply=
>
>> with the U.S. Postal and Lottery Laws, Title 18, Sections 1302 and 1341=
>,
>> which state that "A PRODUCT OR SERVICE MUST BE EXCHANGED FOR MONEY
>> RECEIVED."
>> =B7 While you wait for our reports to arrive:
>> =B7 Name your new company. You may use your own name if you desire.
CROW: This scheme brought to you by Me, Myself, and I, Inc.
>> =B7 Get a post office box. (optional)
>> =B7 Re-type the names and addresses on a small piece of paper, includin=
>g
>> yours, and tape them under the CORRECT REPORT according to the
>> directions. You must remember that your name and address replace REPORT=
>
>> ONE, and the others all move down one, with the last name being bumped
>> off the list.
>> =B7 Obtain as many names as possible to send to, until you receive the
>> mailing list.
>> =B7 Decide how many programs you intend to send out. The more you send =
>and
>> the quicker you send them, the more you will make.
>> =B7 Make copies of ALL pages. The number of copies needed will be
>> determined by the size of your mailing list. Copies MUST BE GOOD AND
>> LEGIBLE, as your customers will be copying them too.
TOM: You know who *really* makes a fortune from these money-making schemes?
Carbon toner manufacturers.
>> =B7 Prepare envelopes for mailing.
>> =B7 After mailing the programs, get ready to fill orders.
>> =B7 Copy the four reports so you are able to send them out as soon as y=
>ou
>> receive an order. IMPORTANT: Always provide same-day service on all
>> orders.
>> =B7 Make certain the programs are neat and legible. Re-type as necessar=
>y.
>>
>> **************************************************
>>
>> 1. REQUIRED REPORTS
>> ORDER EACH BY NUMBER AND TITLE:
>> ALWAYS SEND A SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE AND $5.00 U.S. CASH FOR
>> EACH.
>>
>> REPORT ONE: "HOW TO MAKE $250,000.00 THROUGH MULTI-LEVEL SALES"
TOM: You don't suppose this has anything to do with this very scheme, eh?
>>
>> This report will give you the much needed information to help you
>> succeed in this program. It will show you how to really make a quarter
>> of a million dollars in just 3 months.
>>
>> ORDER THIS REPORT FROM:
>>
> John Campbell
> POB 710 MS105
> Friendswood, TX. 77549-0710
MIKE: Who is receiving the mail bombs at this very moment.
> (I will also send you a formatted copy of this program suitable for
>postal
>mailout)
>>
>> REPORT TWO: "MAJOR CORPORATIONS AND MULTI-LEVEL SALES"
>>
>> Learn the money-making secrets of the well-known corporate giants.
>>
>> ORDER THIS REPORT FROM:
>>
> Pelican Productions
> POB 1047 GM5
> Seabrook, TX. 77586
TOM: A wonderful bird
Is the pelican.
His beak holds more
Than his belly can!
>>
>> REPORT THREE: "SOURCES FOR THE BEST MAILING LIST"
>>
>> You have learned the importance of good mailing lists. Here is where yo=
>u
>> can send for them.
>>
>> ORDER THIS REPORT FROM:
>>
> M.A. Munoz
MIKE: Missing in Action?
TOM: More Abalone?
CROW: Moronic Airhead?
> 5879 El Zuparko Dr. #3
> San Jose, CA 95123
>>
>> REPORT FOUR: "EVALUATING MULTI-LEVEL SALES PROGRAMS"
>>
>> Find out which plans work, which ones don't, and why.
TOM: Does this one really *need* a comment?
>> ORDER THIS REPORT FROM:
>>
> Tim Latendresse
> P.O. BOX 1562
> Jacksonville, OR 97530
MIKE: What do you suppose are the chances that these addresses are all mailbox
drops for the same person?
CROW: About 1 out of 1, I'd say.
>>
>> **************************************************
>>
>> YOUR GUARANTEE
>>
>> The check point which GUARANTEES your success is simple: You must
>> receive 15-20 orders for REPORT ONE! THIS IS A MUST! If you don't
>> receive 15-20 within two weeks, send out more programs until you do.
TOM: After all, you'll *never* get a chance to totally piss off the planet if
you only send out a few mailings!
>> Then in a couple of weeks, you should receive 100 orders for REPORT TWO=
>=2E
>> If you don't, send out more programs until you do. Once you have
>> received 100 or more orders for REPORT TWO you can sit back and relax,
>> because YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE AT LEAST $55,000!!! Also, remember, every=
MIKE: I know I'm not as good at math as some are, but $5 times 120 reports =
$600. Where's the other $54,400 coming from?
>
>> time your name is moved down on the list, your name is then on a
>> different report, so you can keep track of your progress by knowing
>> which report people are ordering from you. IT'S THAT EASY!!!
>>
CROW: Okay, great, we've heard his little scheme. Now can we go?
TOM: No, we've got to hear the testimonials first.
CROW: Oh, hell.
MIKE: Hey, as long as it keeps Super-Trek away for a while longer!
>> **************************************************
MIKE: But first, this game of Centipede.
>>
>> TESTIMONIAL LETTER
>>
>> Hi, my name is Chris Johnson. Sorry this isn't a hand written letter,
>> but I'm sending out five thousand of these and don't think my hand coul=
>d
>> handle it.
TOM: Yeah, why pretend I want to put *any* effort at all into getting my feet
back on the ground?
>> Over the past year, I have had numerous financial problems.
>> My car (a 1987 Plymouth Horizon) was repossessed in December of 1989, m=
>y
>> phone was disconnected, and I owed my family (Mom, Dad, and sister) ove=
>r
>> $2,000 that I had borrowed to support my family of five. I am currently=
>
>> a Staff Sergeant (and was then) in the U.S. Air Force, and on that pay =
>I
>> couldn't seem to make ends meet.
CROW: So, why didn't he quit the Air Force and get a job?
MIKE: Because, once you're stuck in the military...hahahahahah...YOU'RE STUCK
THERE!!!
>> I thought many times of suicide, but
>> being Christian, I truly believe I would go to hell if I did. Now don't=
>
>> get turned off by that statement, this is not a letter to save your
>> soul. This is a letter that will change your life FOREVER-FINANCIALLY!!=
TOM: Hey, there, if you're Christian, why don't you read the book of Exodus?
That part about how you shouldn't steal?
>
>>
>> In late December, I received this program in the mail. I had been put o=
>n
>> the mailing list because for six months prior, I was writing to every
>> Tom, Dick, and Harry for any get rich quick scheme I could get my hands=
>
>> on. All the programs I received, in my opinion, were rip-offs. They wer=
>e
>> either too difficult for me to comprehend or the initial investment was=
>
>> too much for me to risk. One claimed I'd make a million dollars in ONE
>> YEAR...IT DIDN'T TELL ME I'D HAVE TO WRITE A BOOK TO MAKE IT.
MIKE: Wow...actual *working* to make money? What a concept!
>> But, like=
>
>> I was saying, in December of 1989, I received this program in the mail.=
>
>> I didn't send for it, or ask for it, my name had just been on a mailing=
>
>> list. THANK GOD FOR THAT! After reading it several times to make sure I=
>
>> was reading it correctly, I couldn't believe my eyes. Here was a
>> money-making phenomenon. I could invest as much as I wanted, to start,
>> without putting me much further in debt and after I got a pencil and
>> paper and figured it out, I'd at least make my money back. I figured WH=
>Y
>> NOT? I couldn't be much worse off than I was.
TOM: After all, you get free housing and food when you're in prison, right?
CROW: And neighbors that'll make you wonder why you thought your roommate last
semester was bad...
>>
>> I initially sent out 250 programs. It cost me $75.00 for the stamps (25=
>0
>> of them before the postal increase). $6.00 for envelopes, and about
>> $65.00 for the printing.
MIKE: So, this is a money-making program for people who have money.
TOM: Kind of sums it up, doesn't it?
>> Shop around for good printing prices. The
>> larger the job, the cheaper the price. I am telling you like it is, I
>> hope it doesn't turn you off, but I promised myself I would not rip-off=
>
>> anybody, no matter how much money it would cost me. I couldn't afford a=
>
>> mailing list, contrary to what the program says because I believe the
>> prices in the program are from a few years ago. Mailing lists cost
>> $95.00 per 1,000 names (including delivery). We ordered through
>> B.O.C.C.A. in California. Elaine is the name of the person to talk to -=
>-
>> her telephone # is 310-546-2888.
MIKE: And she'll be THRILLED to hear from you.
CROW: Especially if you call collect.
>> She works with this project (they call=
>
>> it GREEN PROJECT) and you are sure to get names that nobody else workin=
>g
>> with this program has received if you tell her what you need the list
>> for.
TOM: Hi, I'm looking for people to leech money off of. Can you help?
>> All of this is stated in REPORT #2 when you decide to participate.=
>
>> I got my names out of the local phone book. I thought it would be bette=
>r
>> to contact married people because I'd be passing information to two
>> people instead of one, and usually married people need the money more. =
CROW: So, he's a *thoughtful* social parasite.
>I
>> sent them out between December 31 and January 2, 1990. In less than one=
>
>> week, I was starting to get orders for REPORT #1.
>>
>> By the guarantee in the program, you will see YOU MUST receive 15 to 20=
>
>> orders for REPORT #1 within two weeks. If you don't, send out more
>> programs until you do. By January 13, I had received 26 orders for the
>> first report. My first step in making $50,000.00 in 20-90 days was done=
>=2E
>> By January 30th, I had received 196 orders for REPORT #2. If you refer
>> back to the guarantee you will see that YOU MUST receive 100 or more
>> orders for REPORT #2 within two weeks, and if not, you must send out
>> more programs until you do.
TOM: You were saying?
CROW: Okay, maybe not *that* thoughtful...
>>
>> Once you have the 100 orders the rest is easy - relax-you will make you=
>r
>> $50,000.00 gross. Well, I had 196 orders, so I sat down and relaxed. By=
>
>> March 19, 1990, from my 250 mailings, I received $58,000.00 with more
>> coming in every day. I paid off all my debts, bought a new car, and
>> purchased a 5,000 name mailing list.
MIKE: Even though I've already made money and sent my mailing address
everywhere, I'm too stupid to lie low!
>>
>> Please take time to read about the program. It will change your life
>> FOREVER. Remember, it won't work if you don't try it. This program does=
>
>> work, but you must follow it EXACTLY! Especially the rules about trying=
>
>> to place your name in a different position. That won't work and you wil=
>l
>> lose a lot of money. REPORT #2 explains this, and remember the guarante=
>e
>> 15 to-20 orders or more for REPORT #1, and 100 or more for report #2 an=
>d
>> you will make $50,000.00 in 20-90 days. I'm living proof that it works.=
>
>>
>> P.S. Do you have any idea what 11,700 $5 bills ($58,500) looks like
>> piled up on the kitchen table...
TOM: Like very large confetti?
>> It's Awesome!
>> Johnson Distributing, SAFB, IL
>>
>> **************************************************
>>
>> I MADE FUN OF THE WHOLE THING
MIKE: At last, a voice of reason.
>>
>> My name is Frank. My wife Doris and I live in Bel-Air, MD. I am a cost
>> accountant with a major U.S. Corporation and I make pretty good money.
>> When I received the program in the mail, I grumbled to Doris about
>> getting JUNK MAIL. I made fun of the whole thing, spouting my knowledge=
>
>> of the population and percentages involved. I KNEW it wouldn't work.
>> Doris totally ignored my supposed intelligence and jumped in with both
>> feet. She mailed out 500 programs. I made merciless fun of her and was
>> ready to lay the old I TOLD YOU SO on her..., but the laugh was on me.
>> within two weeks she received over 50 responses to her mailings. within=
>
>> 45 days she received over $147,200.00 in $5.00 dollar bills. I was
>> stunned, and I am a believer, now! I have joined Doris in her little
>> hobby and WE just mailed 1000 programs. I did have seven more years
>> until retirement...but thanks to this program...I no longer do.
TOM: Now I have seven more years until parole.
>>
>> Frank T., Bel-Air, MD
>>
>> **************************************************
>>
>> THIS PROGRAM WORKS!!! PLEASE GIVE IT A TRY!!!
>>
>> P.S. The only Thank-You that I ask for is that you donate at least 2-4%=
>
>> of your profits to the charity of your choice.
MIKE: Why do I get the feeling these guys declared themselves to be their own
charities?
>> And if you are not
>> interested in making some extra money, please give this opportunity to
>> someone who is having financial troubles. You will be providing the
>> answer to their prayers.
TOM: Heads up, guys! Here comes Super-Trek !!
>From: E_Ho...@postoffice.utas.edu.au (Captain Cellulite)
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW ST:TNG/DS9-DC Superman Crossover (0/11) "Lessons of History"
>Date: 29 Jul 1996 01:10:01 GMT
>Organization: University of Tasmania
CROW: Why, he's writing from the University of Tasmania, the devil.
>Lines: 46
>Message-ID: <E_Hodges-2907961111160001@mg4_67.its.utas.edu.au>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: mg4_67.its.utas.edu.au
>
> "Lessons of History" ST:TNG/DS9 DC-Superman Crossover
> An origional piece of fan fiction
> By Evan Hodges
> e-mail
> JakeH...@trumpet.hba.com.au
> e_ho...@postoffice.utas.edu.au
TOM: Oooooh, the entire Hodges clan is in on this.
>
>
> Hello There, this is my first story posted on this group
MIKE: Oh, boy, the magic words.
> so I hope It
>isn't too bad.
TOM: Next week, I'll be sending my first *edited* story.
>
> DISCLAIMER: STAR TREK: The Next Generation, STAR TREK: Deep Space Nine
>and SUPERMAN; The characters, Locations, and Starships used in this story
>are Copyright Paramount Pictures and DC Comics and are their sole
>property. Blah Blah Blah all that sort of stuff that aplies. Sorry this
>isn't a proper disclaimer, but Iv'e had a hard life.....
CROW: Can't even be bothered to write a thorough disclaimer? Oh, great.
>
> The story and all bits not owned by the companies listed above are
>owned by Evan C. Hodges and may be distibuted in electonic form for
>not-profit reasons. I may not be altered in any way.
TOM: The sex-alteration job didn't work, eh?
> However. Suggestions
>of alterations may be made by emailing to
>
> JakeH...@trumpet.hba.com.au
> or e_ho...@postoffice.utas.edu.au
>
> Acually It is of some note that both Paraount Pictures and DC comics
>are owned by Warner Bros.
>
>
> Section 1. This story has a pretty silly premise in the first place and
>Iv'e tried to make it believable and make it fit in the Star Trek
>universe, so any silly bits are the result of the premise, not the
>artistic and technical ability of the writer. I hope....
MIKE: So, he can't be bothered to write a thorough disclaimer, and he can't be
bothered to come up with a plausible premise.
CROW: Sounds like standard Trek fan fiction to me.
>
> Section 2. I'm not crossopsting to any DC Universe or Superman
>Newsgroup. For that, I'm sorry, but
TOM: ...you can't be bothered, right?
> just can't be bothered.
TOM: I got dibs, I said it first!
>
> Section 3. Nitpicking - Their are plenty of things to nitpick in this
>story -
CROW: Using `their' instead of `there', for instance.
> Most of them I have picked myself but don't have the right info to
>fix them. Any corrections as far as nickpicking is concearned can be
>forwarded to the email adresses listed above.
>
>Well that just about does that. On with the story.
>
>--
>-- Can't think of a good sig..................................sorry--
MIKE: Let's see...can't be bothered to fix his disclaimer, or come up with a
plausible premise, or crosspost to appropriate comic-book-related
nesgroups, or even design a decent .signature file.
TOM: Here is proof that Larry Buchanan has arrived on Usenet.
CROW: He Just Doesn't Care! (tm)
>
>
>From: E_Ho...@postoffice.utas.edu.au (Captain Cellulite)
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW ST:TNG/DS9-DC Superman Crossover (1/11) "Lessons of History"
>Date: 29 Jul 1996 01:10:15 GMT
>Organization: University of Tasmania
>Lines: 167
>Message-ID: <E_Hodges-2907961111300001@mg4_67.its.utas.edu.au>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: mg4_67.its.utas.edu.au
>
>Lessons of History
>(Star Trek TNG, DS9/DC-Superman Crossover) Part 1
MIKE [singing]: Wish I could fly like Superman...
CROW: If I was, I'd destroy lousy fanfics with my X-ray vision.
>
>Prologue
> Space....
TOM: ...the final frontier...
CROW: ...home of endless reruns and recycled ideas...
> Its infinite reaches spread as far as vision will allow.
MIKE: Gee, *only* as far as vision will allow?
CROW: Must be a small space.
> A
>nebula, an asteroid,
TOM: It's a nebula!
CROW: It's an asteroid!
MIKE: It's all these things and more.
> float, spinning though the void in their indefinite
>dance.
CROW: I *think* they're dancing, but I'm not definite.
> Amongst them; the Enterprise slips,
TOM: On a mysterious cosmic anomaly known as a `banana peel'.
> its smooth unbroken line
>disturbs the interstellar gas around it causing it to swirl into chaotic
>spirals and eddies. A flash of light, NCC 1701D is seen on the grey hull,
MIKE: Right next to `I was beaten by a bunch of kids.'
CROW: Wrong fanfic author.
>made iridescent by the light refracted by minute particles of methane ice.
>The red glow of the ramscoop
MIKE: Two scoops of RAM in every box.
TOM: How much is a `scoop', anyway?
CROW: I dunno.
> appears from behind the saucer. A shadow
>passes in a window on the saucer. The shadow is the form of Geordi
>Laforge, Chief Engineer of the U.S.S. Enterprise. He walks along the outer
>corridor in section 12.
>
> Geordi walked along the corridor.
CROW: Wow! You mean, Geordi walking is what caused all that neat pyrotechnic
stuff that's happening now?
> He was not in uniform.
MIKE: Geordi with nothing on is not something I really wanted to think of.
> Instead he
>wore an ancient style striped blazer and trousers, and a matching bowler
>sat upon his head.
TOM: A striped bowler?
> In this wardrobe his VISOR looked particularly out of
>place.
CROW: It was polka-dotted.
> To anyone who had spent more than a month assigned to the
>Enterprise.
MIKE: to complete his sentences?
TOM: to bother trying.
> The sight could be explained by the knowledge that he was on
>his way to pick up Lt. Commander Data for another holodeck session of
>Sherlock Holmes.
CROW: This being a recreation of the infamous day when they coined the phrase
"No shit, Sherlock."
> Geordi walked to a door on which a label identified it as
>the door to Data's quarters. Geordi reached out and tapped a panel that
>initiated the door chime
TOM: In other words, he rang the door bell.
MIKE: Technobabble! It's everywhere you want to be.
> and waited for Data's response. He waited. He
>decided to tap again, but before he could reach for the panel the door
>moved aside revealing his friend; Data. Those disconcerting golden eyes
>looked into the gold and silver VISOR.
> "Ah, Geordi," He acknowledged friendlily. "I must apologise for not
>answering earlier. I have something that I have found most Intriguing.
CROW: Intriguing with a capital I.
MIKE (Norwegian Minnesota housewife): 'Cause Data says `intriguing' a lot
don'tchaknow.
>Please. Come In." Data stepped aside and allowed Geordi to enter.
> "Data," Geordi began "Why haven't you changed into you costume? We have
>a holodeck session, and I don't want to lose a second."
TOM: We have to pay for holodeck access by the minute, don't you know.
> Data, instead of explaining, walked to his personal terminal and sat at
>his seat with a confused Geordi in tow. "I have found something Intriguing
>while I was looking at 19th century London property census for our session
>and found this." He pointed at an entry displayed on the monitor.
> Geordi read the entry and gasped. "What the?!"
CROW: Okay, what is it?
> "Indeed. I have tried to cross check this without much success.
MIKE: What is this, the guess-the-plot-contrivance game?
>However. According to this, a building located in baker street was owned
>by a Mr. S. Holmes for period of several months," He announced.
TOM: Hold on, you've found this astronomical fact and it doesn't include his
full name?
> "Wow. Maybe it was a coincidence," He said without much conviction.
> "I have considered that possibility as well, but It does raise an
>interesting question."
> "But Sherlock Holmes is a fictional character!"
CROW: Yeah, so are we. Crazy, huh?
> Data considered it "That is true. However there are people who would be
>considered fictional who may have actually lived. The legend Robin Hood
>for example may have been based on a real English noble. The same may be
>true for the King Arthur Legends."
> "Yeah but they weren't written about in their own life time," Geordi
>argued.
TOM: You mean, that was an argument?
MIKE: Nah! Gotta be kidding.
> "Indeed. There is no evidence he was the same character as in the
>Arthur Conan Doyle mysteries. It may be that the name was merely used by
>Doyle.
CROW: Yeah, like Jason Voorhees.
> But it does raise some interesting questions."
> "Yeah."
>
>THE ENTERPRISE
CROW: You mean, we weren't already on the Enterprise?
TOM: Where were we, the surface of Jupiter?
MIKE: Seems to be where these plot elements are coming from.
>
> Captain's Log, Stardate 47247.7 The Enterprise has been assigned to
>patrol along the Cardassian demilitarised zone due to reports of increased
>Marquis activity. Also starfleet has received vague reports of unusual
>subspace activity in the area and the Enterprise has been ordered to
>Investigate.
> Captain Jean-Luc Picard sat in the command chair of the U.S.S.
>Enterprise as it slippped into the next sector the border occupied.
CROW: Getting awfully descriptive with his log entries, isn't he?
MIKE: And talking in third person.
> PADD
>in hand he looked at the latest batch of diagnostic reports on the border
>warning buoys. The information was dry, but Jean-Luc knew whole hours of a
>command shift could go by with only the occasional order and movement
>within that chair. He found himself drifting,
TOM: Calgon, take me away!
> Watch Your self Captain He
>said to himself. Woolgathering on a border patrol is very inappropriate.
>He moved his eyes from the PADD and studied the Officer currently at the
>OPS centre. Data, was as always, in full concentration. Sometimes, and he
>would not admit it even to himself,
CROW: Uh-oh...is Picard getting the hots for Data?
MIKE: Ahem...?
CROW: Heh, 'scuse me.
> he envied the android's mental
>capacities. Data's physical abilities were always the thing that tended to
>be the envy of the people who came in to contact with him.
CROW: No! Aiieeee! Argh...
MIKE: What's wrong?
CROW: He said "contact"...
MIKE: Well, he never said "*first* contact".
CROW: Hey, you're right. Whew.
> Jean-Luc,
>However, was not one of them. However the Captain always wished that he to
>could posses the ability to put his full concentration into a task for the
>long periods Data always achieved with ease. Jean-Luc watched the android
>work until Worf stirred at the tactical station.
CROW (deep voice): That's MY android, Captain.
MIKE: Ahem...?!
CROW: Hm? I didn't say anything...
> The Captain felt rather
>than heard the Klingon's first syllable as his powerful voice respectfully
>reported the situation.
> "Sir, sensors have detected unusual an subspace radiation source moving
>through this sector."
TOM: Yes, that line just radiates power and respect.
> "What kind of radiation?"
TOM: Actually, I was being sarcastic.
> Data pinged at OPS
CROW: Then for an encore, he tracerouted, nslookup'd, and fingered it.
> and replied "It appears to be of an unusually high
>frequency, on the order of one hundred teraherz. No source known to the
>Federation can produce such radiation."
TOM: One hundred *terahertz* frequency?
MIKE: Must be Mariahcarium.
> Jean-Luc felt the first officer at his side
CROW: Oh man. This is just too much, even for me.
> stir "Can you give us a
>position on the object?" he inquired.
> "313 mark 22, range 85 thousand kilometres," Worf reported.
> Commander Riker studied the information that appeared at his terminal.
>"It's just left the demilitarised zone," He noted.
> "Mr. Data does this body pose any kind of threat to the ship?" Jean-Luc
>asked.
> "The radiation is of such high energy it will pass though most known
>substances without significant effect. It poses no immediate threat to the
>ship."
> "Scan on the object."
TOM: Whereupon the radiation hits the ship and blows it up into a bazillion
pieces. The end.
> Data attempted the scan "Sensors can not penetrate the radiation field."
>"Perhaps we could tractor it," Riker suggested.
MIKE: Ah, yes, drop a tractor on it, that'd put it out of commission nice and
fast.
> Jean-Luc thought though the possibilities for danger... and dismissed
>them. "Mr. Worf, lock a tractor on the object."
> "Aye sir," He worked at the tactical controls, Without success. "I
>cannot get a positive lock on the object."
> "The radiation is affecting the tractor lock," Data replied.
CROW: Gee, what a surprise.
TOM: This radiation is just no fun.
> Will Riker had already weighed the alternatives. "How about bringing it
>in with a shuttle."
> Captain Picard thought about it. "We don't know enough about it to take
>that risk"
> Data made a suggestion. "Perhaps we could send in an engineering team
>in a shuttle to the object and attempt a scan.
TOM: They're just generic unnamed redshirts. No great loss.
> Its proximity may
>counteract any unusual subspace effects the radiation may be causing to
>block the sensors."
MIKE: All right, you lousy radiation, it's time to play HARDBALL now!
> "Alright. Number one, assemble an engineering team and take a look."
> "Aye Sir." The first officer got up and walked to the turbo lift.
MIKE: The turbo lift wall, that is. Thud!
>
>* * * * *
CROW: Oh, no, not another centipede!
>
> Geordi sat in the shuttles' operations seat and remembered the last
>time he was in a shuttle going out to look at an object. He remembered
>that that other object had disabled the shuttle, had attempted to do the
>same with the Enterprise, and caused all sorts of trouble with Reg
>Barclay. He fervently hoped that that sort of thing would not happen again
>Well at least that sort of thing doesn't happen every day he thought.
MIKE: Yeah, and a minute ago everyone was absolutely SURE that radiation
wouldn't have any ill effects...
>
> As Commander Riker steered the shuttle into position with expert ease,
>the same Reginald Barclay nervously looked out the shuttles view ports
>with mounting unease. He to remembered that same situation and was now
>wishing that he had been passed over for this mission.
> Finally the object came into view. Geordi gasped. Through his VISOR The
>thing shone ethereally. Streaks of colour flashed across it. It was
>staggeringly beautiful.
> "What is it Commander?" Riker asked.
CROW: It's Planet Badtrip!
> "My VISOR is picking up multiphasic subspace radiation on an
>unprecedented order of magnitude," Geordi said breathlessly. "Its
>beautiful!"
MIKE: Technobabble *and* art criticism, all in one compact package.
> "Looks like a big green crystal to me," Riker joked.
MIKE: Let's see. A big green crystal...
TOM: ...that emits funny radiation...
CROW: ...and is in a fanfic that might have Superman in it eventually...
ALL: WhatEVER could it BE?!
> Geordi stopped wondering at the crystal and got down to business "Lets
>do a full spectrum scan. Reg. Lets take a peek." He worked though the
>scanning sequence and monitored the results. "The body is about three
>metres by 1 metre. Funny, the structure suggests its artificial."
> "Wonder who made it," Riker mused.
> "Or why," Geordi replied.
TOM: Or how.
CROW: Or when.
MIKE: Or what.
ALL: Third base!
> "Scan indicates a metallic substance under the surface of crystal," Reg
>reported. He ran another scan sequence. He monitored the results. He
>looked dumbfounded. He ran the test again. He results were the same. He
>got nervous "Sir... I've uh- just detected a lifeform inside the object."
> "What?!" Geordi, incredulous, asked.
> "I've detected a humanoid lifeform in stasis inside the object!" Reg
>replied defensively.
> Geordi looked at the scan diagnostics "Confirmed." he said dismayed.
>"There's definitely some kind of humanoid lifeform in there."
MIKE: It's Amelia Earhart!
TOM: It's Jimmy Hoffa!
CROW: It's Elvis!
MIKE: Elvis has left the planet, in a hunka hunka burnin' Kryptonite.
TOM: Shhhhh, we're not supposed to know it's Kryptonite yet.
> Riker opened a channel to the ship. "Shuttlecraft Hawking to
>Enterprise. The body seems to contain a humanoid lifeform. Request
>permission to bring the body to the ship."
> "Stand by Number One," Came the communicators reply.
>Captain Picard tapped his communicator "Bridge to sickbay."
> "Sickbay here," Replied Dr. Crusher.
> "Doctor, Have you been monitoring our progress?"
> "Yes, the radiation from the object is not very dangerous, but
>prolonged exposure should be avoided."
> "How long would that be."
> "Oh about five to ten years," Japed the doctor.
TOM: Hm, five to ten years?
CROW: Which, by the way, is the penalty for cheesy fanfic plotting.
TOM: Heh, we wish.
> The Captain tapped his communicator. "Enterprise to Shuttlecraft
>Hawking. Alright. Number One. Permission granted."
> "Aye Sir."
>
>--
>-- Can't think of a good sig..................................sorry--
MIKE: Not even a map of Australia with a pointer to Perth?
>
>From: E_Ho...@postoffice.utas.edu.au (Captain Cellulite)
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW ST:TNG/DS9-DC Superman Crossover (2/11) "Lessons of History"
>Date: 29 Jul 1996 01:10:33 GMT
>Organization: University of Tasmania
>Lines: 125
>Message-ID: <E_Hodges-2907961111490001@mg4_67.its.utas.edu.au>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: mg4_67.its.utas.edu.au
>
>Lessons of History
>(Star Trek TNG, DS9/DC-Superman Crossover) Part 2
>
> The green crystal cask sat in the shuttle bay. The Captain looked on as
>Commander Riker, Dr. Crusher and Mr. Laforge worked at it. He looked up
>and caught Worf's expression. "A problem lieutenant?" He inquired.
> Worf rose up
CROW: Oh, no, not the subliminal subtexts again...
MIKE: Ahem...?
> "Perhaps the lifeform was put in there for a reason. We
>should not open it so hastily," He growled.
TOM: More with the funky capitalizing.
MIKE: God Himself is warning them not to toy with Krypt-- I mean, mysterious
substances.
CROW: But what does God want with a spaceship?
MIKE: Aaaaaaargh.
> Jean-Luc turned to Troi "Are you sensing anything from the lifeform
>counsellor?" He asked.
> Deanna was already with the answer. "His mind is unconscious, but there
>is - pain- too."
> "Pain? In stasis?"
CROW: Whaddya expect? He's in a cut-rate Trek fanfic.
> "That does it. Whoever he is. We have to get him out of there," Dr.
>Crusher announced, not looking up from the cask.
> "A phaser along this join in the metallic surface may allow us to open
>it," Geordi suggested to Riker. Riker Looked at Picard.
> "Make it so," Jean-Luc decided.
MIKE: "Make it so, make it so, make it so"--wasn't that a song Picard recorded
for Christmas?
> Geordi picked up a phaser and aimed it.
> The strong nuclear force burst forth as the radiant phaser energy
>flashed from the phaser's emitter crystal. The green crystal instantly
>vanished from the surface of the cask in a great flash of light.
> Geordi stopped. "That I was not expecting."
TOM: Well, DUH.
> Dr. Crusher monitored her tricorder. "The radiation was mostly
>harmless. Did anyone look directly at when it vaporised?"
> Everyone responded negatively.
CROW: Everybody's so negative around here.
>"The crystal is perhaps a good energy conductor," Data suggested.
> Geordi waved a tricorder over the cask and inspected it. "Seems like
>the stasis field working inside the cask shut down when the crystal was
>vaporised."
MIKE: It just disappeared into Loophole Land.
> "I think it'll open now," Riker said. He and Geordi wedged the seal in
>the cask open while Worf held his phaser at the ready.
>There was a loud crack and hiss that echoed though the bay as the seal was
>broken. The cask opened. Inside was a man. The crew all looked at him. He
>was over two metres tall.
TOM: And he was inside an even bigger crystal, and they just carried it on
board?! C'mon...
> His long hair was raven black and a rogue lock
>curled boyishly across a strong face. His attire was unusual. A skin tight
>blue suit that was torn in several places covered his muscular body. His
>bright red boots where almost knee high. Torn Red cloth was draped around
>his shoulders. Upon his chest some kind of symbol was emblazoned. It was a
>red pentagonal shield with, what seemed to be, a red and yellow stylised
>S. A primitive oxygen mask covered his mouth.
> Deanna Troi could not help, but feel that something was very special
>about this person,
CROW: Could it be...that he's Superman?
MIKE: Nawwwwwwwwww.
> and it was more that slightly disconcerting.
> A portable bed was moved into place and Dr. Crusher got two nurses to
>move him onto it and into sick bay. He stirred. "All right, lets go," She
>said, and they moved out.
> Worf turned to Picard "Captain, permission to post a guard outside
>sickbay."
> Jean-Luc considered Worf. "Granted," He turned to Geordi "Mr. LaForge
>and Commander Data, run a series of diagnostics on this cask. I want to
>know it inside out."
TOM: Tests show that it's a cask of Amontillado, sir.
MIKE: For the love of God, Montressor, leave Poe alone.
> "Aye Sir."
> Riker and Geordi were still kneeling over the cask.
> "Nice clothes," Riker mused
> "Weird Huh," Geordi agreed.
> Data however looked at his tricorder intently. Geordi noticed "What is
>it Data?"
> Data looked up. "I believe that the cask just transmitted some kind
>distress signal."
> "What?!" Geordi said looking inside the cask.
MIKE: He can tell it's a *distress* signal...but not what *kind*...?!
>
> * * * * *
>
> Jean-Luc Picard sat behind his desk in the ready room sipping at his
>earl grey and reading ship status reports. He spent long hours at this
>most of the time. It in some peculiar way it seemed to relax him.
CROW: Which is funny 'cause, heh, tea has caffeine in it and caffeine's a
stimulant, y'know?
> He
>thought briefly about the man they had rescued and considered the dangers
>of the actions they took.
TOM: He could bring sequels even worse than the ones they'd been having lately.
> There's no real point in second guessing
>ourselves. The mission of this ship is quite clear. It was then Beverly
>Crushers voice floated out of nowhere.
> "Crusher to Picard."
> "Picard Here."
> "Captain, there is something very unusual about our patient. I think
>you might want to come down here."
> "I'm on my way."
>
> Jean-Luc entered sickbay.
> Beverly Crusher looked up from the visitor and straightened.
> "How your patient Dr. Crusher?"
MIKE: Suddenly Picard's talking in Fakey Native American.
> The Doctors brow knitted. "Remarkably well for someone who's been in
>stasis for four hundred years."
> "Four hundred years!" Jean-Luc remarked in astonishment.
> "Yes, but that's not the half of it. He may look human, but his genetic
>structure is not even remotely related to any other humanoid organism."
> Jean-Luc eyebrows rose. "A new lifeform."
CROW: And, gee, maybe even a new civilization!
> She nodded. "Over three hundred chromosomes that I can tell. Not that I
>can get a tissue sample of course."
TOM: Ahem...if you didn't use a tissue sample then how *can* you tell?
MIKE: Maybe she had him blow his nose.
CROW: Or turn his head and cough.
> "Why not?" he asked.
> She picked up a phaser scalpel from the equipment cart and set it on
>maximum. Picard followed her to the stranger. He lay on the biobed, moving
>slightly. As Jean-Luc approached the man he became aware of a remarkable
>presence that the creature had.
MIKE: _Presence_? He's a Led Zeppelin fan? Cool!
>Beverly pointed the scalpel at his chest.
> "Uh, Doctor, I don't really want to see the full examination."
> "Just watch Jean-Luc," she said with a smile. She turned back to the
>patient and swiped a phaser beam across his chest.
>To his astonishment the scalpel didn't cut anything. He raised an eyebrow
>in surprise.
TOM: Gee, it's almost like he's a man of...steel?
> "See," she said. "The body has some kind of field that makes it
>virtually invulnerable." She looked up and waved her hands at the lights
>in the ceiling. "Plus. His cells seem to bioconvert light."
CROW: And we can tell this, once again, without a tissue sample.
> "You mean he's immune to phasers?" Jean-Luc asked.
> "I mean he's just about immune to anything. We can't use a hypospray on
>him. Even a ships phaser on full power probably wouldn't scratch him," she
>remarked.
> Jean-Luc considered the alien. He didn't like what he heard. A being
>with that kind of ability could be very dangerous.
MIKE: Yup, he's an alien life form, so he must be bad.
CROW: Is this _Star Trek_ or _War of the Worlds_?
> "Is there any way we
>could bypass this invulnerability? I want a precaution if he is
>dangerous."
> "Well," she mused "The radiation the crystal produced seems to have
>affected the way his cells bioconvert energy," She said "The same
>radiation should make him weak. However, to much exposure may kill him."
> Jean-Luc tapped his communicator "Picard to Laforge."
> "Laforge Here Sir."
CROW: I'm right here behind you, Captain Doofus.
> "What is the status of your investigation?"
> "We've begun the materials test and have just completed the diagnostic
>on the casks control system."
> "Very good. I need you to do something else. Can you design something
>that will produce the same type of radiation that crystal produced? We
>need something to control our guest if he becomes a problem."
MIKE: After all, the Prime Directive states that any alien creature we pick up
must necessarily be evil and suspicious.
TOM: It does?!
MIKE: Of course. I wrote it in myself.
> "I'll get engineering on Sir. I will also make the results of the
>diagnostics available to you when we're done."
> "Very well, Picard Out."
>
>--
>-- Can't think of a good sig..................................sorry--
>
>From: E_Ho...@postoffice.utas.edu.au (Captain Cellulite)
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW ST:TNG/DS9-DC Superman Crossover (3/11) "Lessons of History"
>Date: 29 Jul 1996 01:10:44 GMT
>Organization: University of Tasmania
>Lines: 116
>Message-ID: <E_Hodges-2907961111590001@mg4_67.its.utas.edu.au>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: mg4_67.its.utas.edu.au
>
>Lessons of History
>radiation emitter the Captain wanted us to work on."
> "Radiation emitter?"
TOM: Yeah, you know, a machine that emits radiation?
CROW: Like a light bulb, or a microwave oven?
MIKE: Gentlemen, we can make our unknown guest...lukewarm!
TOM: Ooh, better yet, use a color TV to give him cancer.
> "Captain's worried about our guest. He thinks that the radiation the
>crystal emitted may have an effect."
> "Wouldn't a phaser be just as effective?"
> "Ours is not to reason why," Geordi said sagely.
>
> "What is it exactly want to find Commander?" Data asked. Riker peered
>at bridge science station one and thought of the best way to start.
> "I've seen that S like symbol before somewhere. I need to find out where."
CROW: Hmmmm...a salt shaker maybe?
> "I see," Data said, tapping the appropriate controls. "I will start a
>search. A graphic search should not take too long."
MIKE: Unless Alta Vista's on the fritz again.
> The graphic Image of
>the pentagonal shield S appeared on the screen. Next to it the computer
>displayed similar symbols. Data commentated.
MIKE: Huh? I didn't know Data was the commentating type.
TOM: What, didn't you hear he moonlighted at the Federation Wrestling
Foundation?
MIKE: Well, I guess you learn something new every day.
> "It is similar to a Ferengi
>symbol for 恵ad odour';
CROW: Now, *hold on* here...
TOM: Must have snuck that one in to see if anybody'd notice.
> The symbol of an ancient Andorian religious sect;
>A symbol found at an archaeological site on Pria II of an unknown
>civilisation; The Symbol used by an ancient Earth Fictitious Character..."
> "Wait!" Riker said sharply, "Go over that last one."
> Data selected the indicated file and opened it. "The Character was
>known as 郡uperman' from a medium known as the 慶omic' of a type called a
>郡uperhero'."
MIKE: Which was printed on what was known as `paper', in `ink', that was partly
`black' and partly in `color'.
> Riker read the results and thoughtfully said, "Is there any pictures of
>this 郡uperman'?"
> "The comic was known as a graphical medium. I believe there is one."
>Data searched the database and found one. "Yes I have found one." He
>displayed it.
> Riker looked at it. Data looked at it. They looked at each other.
CROW: Kiss me, you mechanical fool!
> "Riker to Picard."
> "Picard Here."
> "Sir. I think we have a lead on our guest."
> "Really Number one? I like to know what you have. Our guest has some
>unusual abilities..."
> "Let me guess Captain. He's nearly Invulnerable, he's incredibly strong
>and he can fly."
> "What are you talking about Number one?"
> "Think we need to have a meeting to the senior staff."
>
> * * * * *
>
> The senior staff sat in the observation lounge, Pondering the enormity
>of the situation.
> "How could a fiction character from Earth History suddenly appear on
>the Enterprise?" Deanna asked.
TOM: Oh, it happens every two or three weeks, whenever the Holodeck breaks down
again.
> Worf spoke "Perhaps it is a trick. Or a test."
> Will Thought Typical Worf Response. He smiled.
CROW: Who smiled? Worf or Will?
> Geordi spoke up "The real question is now what do we do with him."
> "I'm afraid We will have to wait until he is conscious," Picard stated.
> "And that might no be to long," Dr. Crusher said. They all looked at
>her. "His body has remarkable recuperation powers. Especially considering
>he's had no medical help."
> "Mr. Laforge, what is the status of the Radiation emitter?" Picard asked.
> "It'll be ready in about two hours. The problem is the massive energy
>output required. We'll have to plug it straight into the Warp core."
MIKE: Gee, you mean, you can't just use radiation from the Kryp-- I mean,
mystery substance?
> "And the distress signal you detected?"
> "We didn't get anywhere on that. The systems that ran the signal
>subroutine where totally burned out. There's no way to know what was in
>the message."
> Picard straightened his uniform. "Dr. Crusher, Inform us the minute he
>wakes up. Mr Laforge, Get the emitter up and running as soon as possible.
>Mr. Data, Find out as much as you can about this Superman character and
>report to me in fifteen minutes. Dismissed." The crew filed out.
>
> * * * * *
>
> "Crusher to Picard," Came out of the darkness.
>Jean-Luc felt for his communicator and pinned it on his night shirt.
> "Picard here."
> "Jean-Luc, our guest is awake."
> Jean-Luc rubbed his head to wake himself. "I'm on my way. Picard out."
>He looked at his quarters. "Computer, increase illumination by one hundred
>percent."
MIKE: See, it's a computer, so you can't just say `turn the darn lights on.'
> The room was suddenly very bright. He rubbed his eyes and got
>out of bed. Walking to the wardrobe to get a fresh uniform, he pulled on
>his uniform while drinking a cup of Earl grey. A skill he acquired as a
>Captain and had mastered. He made his way to sackbay.
ALL: "SACKBAY"?!
TOM: Maybe *that's* what that S in a pentagon stands for.
CROW: Ya think?
> The doors slid aside
>to reveal that their guest had woken and was sitting groggily on the side
>of the bed under the ministrations of Dr. Crusher.
CROW: She's [cough] ministering to him?
> She walked over to him.
>
> "How is he?" He asked.
> "A bit groggy, but that's to be expected."
> Jean-Luc walked over to the man. "I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the
>Federation Starship Enterprise"
> The man looked up, and Jean-Luc was struck with the man's eyes. They
>were so blue that they were almost unnatural.
> "Uh... Starship?" The man asked In a deep baritone.
MIKE: So he has a deep baritone voice, but he's not very bright.
> "Yes, you have been in stasis for quite a while."
> The man's eyes suddenly cleared. "Stasis? How long?"
> Jean-Luc's diplomatic skills kicked in. "A while. We found you floating
>though space in a cask with some kind of green crystal. We were wondering
>who you were."
> The man looked at his attire. "Uh - my name is - Superman"
TOM: Brilliant, inspiring dialogue, isn't it?
> There was no longer any doubt. Jean-Luc moved on. "Well - Superman we
>have a lot of questions..."
> "I'm sure you do Captain, but I would like to rest for a while, I'm a
>little weak," He said.
> "Of course. I'll have Mr. Worf find you to some quarters."
MIKE: Huh? "Find you to some quarters"?
CROW: He meant "Find you *two* some quarters." See, the Captain's got double-
vision from getting up so soon, and he wants Worf to get the `two' of
Superman some quarters so he can go down to the pinball arcade.
MIKE: Okay...HUH?!
> "Thank you Captain."
TOM: And on that note, it's time to scram.
MIKE: Thank you, Servo.
>
>--
>-- Can't think of a good sig..................................sorry--
>
[ Mike picks up Tom, all exit ]
o...2...3...4...5...6.../
[ SoL bridge ]
TOM: Hey, Mike?
MIKE: Yeah?
TOM: I've got a problem that's been bugging me for the last couple centuries.
MIKE: What's that?
TOM: Well...it's these Borg guys.
CROW: Oh, 'fraid they're gonna come and getcha?
TOM: No...it's...well...
MIKE: What is it?
TOM: It's this assimilation business.
MIKE: Ah yeah.
CROW: You will be assimilated...booga booga booga...
TOM: Well, that's the thing. Just what is their idea?
MIKE: Whaddya mean?
TOM: Well, suppose they manage to assimilate the entire universe. When they've
done that, what are they gonna do?
MIKE: Well...hm.
CROW: Gee. I think they're planning to get a pizza.
TOM: Or subscribe to magazines at the ultra-low group-discount prices.
MIKE: Or all get tickets to a concert, *somebody's* bound to get good seats
eventually.
CROW: Naw, even in the Trek universe that's impossible.
MIKE: Oh well, we got commercial sign.
[ Commercials--brought to you by Microsoft. Microsoft: We've got you by the
balls, bwahahahaha!! ]
--
Matthew Miller -- mattm (at) infinet (dot) com