MiSTed: "MIA #3: Red Dawn" 5/6

[Clo...@my-dejanews.com]

Continued from Part 5 of 6...

Mike: I just wanna know when Doctor Who is gonna quit with the Time
Lord bit and go back to treating all the sick 'Who's down in Whoville.

>
>"I shall be watching, do not attempt to betray me, the wrath of
>Kohentan is not something you want to witness."

Tom: [Kohentan] Ticket prices are outrageous.

>
>"Us? Betray you? Perish the thought!" The Doctor his hands and adopted
>his most pained and innocent expression.

Crow: [Doctor] I'm painfully innocent!

>
>Kohentan turned away and strode back to his ship; Gods are not very
>good at detecting irony.

Tom: Then that doesn't really make him omniscient, does it? ADMIT IT,
KOHENTAN, YOU'RE REALLY AN EMPLOYEE OF 7-11!!

>
>The Doctor examined the glyphs, searching for the one that did not fit
>the pattern of the others, the one that would open the door.

Crow: It's a car and two flowers, get a clue, Doc.

>It was
>not easy, the Osirians had more imagination than Cybermen; their
>puzzles went beyond simple logic.

Tom: In fact, they followed no logic at all. So it was ludicrous to try. The
Doctor and Jamie went for sno-cones instead.

> He reached out and touched one, with
>a gentle sighing noise a panel rose up, revealing a corridor. Jamie
>was about to walk forward, but the Doctor placed a restraining hand on
>his shoulder.
>
>"The door is open, but I need to disarm the trap on the other side."
>He pushed another glyph and a large blade swung across the corridor.

Mike: [Doctor] Hey, what's this sign? "Fresh deli meat daily, see inside."
HEY!

>"It should be safe now."
>
>The two time travellers stepped forward into the corridor.

Crow: And were slashed to ribbons as the blade swung back.
Mike: Gross...

> "This is
>one corridor I would advise against running down, there are bound to
>be

Crow: Elderly folks trying to take a nap, and they won't like all that
racket.

>more traps. Follow me closely, we'll take this slowly."
>
>* * *
>
>Senkra contacted Ra; "Kohentan is looking for the plague that wiped
>out our previous colony on this planet. I imagine he intends to use it
>against us. What are your orders?"

Tom: [Ra] Don't let him.

>
>Ra informed Horus of the discovery. The Osirian leader pondered what
>action to take.

Mike: And the plot races forward with action-packed pondering!

>
>* * *
>
>On a barren planet, that he had devasted in a fit of rage,

Tom: Go easy on him, folks, it's "that time of the month" for Sutekh.

>Sutekh sat
>in a throne, motionless, his every muscle held in place by Horus's
>mind. The throne had been removed from the battle barge that Sutekh
>had flown through the cosmos as he laid entire planets to waste. It
>was the chair that he had sat in and laughed as billions had died at
>the hands of Sutekh, Destroyer of Worlds. Now it was his prison, for
>all eternity, unless he could escape.

Crow: [Sutekh] I'm cramping. God, I wish I had some Midol!

>
> In his physical and mental prison, Sutekh was aware that Horus's
>concentration had slipped slightly. It was fractional, Sutekh was
>still held immobile, he could not use telekinesis, he was unable to
>move his psyche into a another piece of flesh-ware,

Crow: He couldn't even glance at his Debby Gibson poster.

>but he might just
>be able to insert a simple suggestion into a few Ka'baa minds.

Crow: [Sutekh] You want pizzaaaaaaa...
Mike: [Sutekh] You want to dannnnnnce...but I'm the only available
partnerrrrrr...

>The
>suggestion would start a chain of events that would lead to his
>eventual liberation.

Tom: [Ka'baa] Pizza? Dance? I must set Sutekh free!

>
>Having planted the necessary suggestions, Sutekh withdrew his mind
>before Horus noticed that he had momentarily evaded his mental
>imprisonment. Sutekh began the long task of planning the revenge he
>would enact when he escaped.

Mike: Well, it's actually a really short plan, but Sutekh is a slow thinker.

>The world of Phaester Osiris, so beloved
>of Horus would be destroyed. Sutekh would be the fire that burnt
>everything to the finest ash; Sutekh would be the storm that would
>blow the ash away as if it had never existed.

Tom: Sutekh would be the janitor that swept up all the ash and complained
about his wages.

>
>* * *
>
>The Doctor and Jamie continued to move cautiously down the corridor.

Mike: [Jamie] OCH! Doctor, we've only moved six feet!

>It was hewn through the red Martian rock. Along its length were inlaid
>metal plates decorated with pictures of Osirians, of battle barges,

Tom: ...Of a bunch of dogs playing poker,

>and great cities. The Doctor would stop and examine each one minutely.
>"Doctor, we don't have time to look at yon pictures."

Crow: [Jamie] Ye can search the Internet later.

>
>"Jamie, I can assure you I'm not admiring the art, far too bombastic
>and lacking in subtlety for my taste. Any of these might conceal a
>button to deactivate a lethal trap. We have no choice but to examine
>each one."

Tom: [Jamie] How 'bout if we just ran real fast?

>
>While the Doctor examined another of the pictures, this one showing a
>creature with the head of an alligator standing on a cliff edge, Jamie
>looked at one on the opposite wall. He started to tun his fingers
>along a raised edge;

Mike: [Jamie] Hey, it's Playboy in braille!

>then stopped and slowly turned round. He extended
>his arms in front of him; his hands reached for the neck of the alien
>intruder. Jamie knew it was his duty to the Osirians to kill this
>creature.
>
>The Doctor suddenly whirled round and grabbed the Scotsman's
>out-stretched arms. Jamie attempted to break free. "Jamie, look into
>my eyes."

Crow: [Doctor] You know how I feel about you.

>
>Jamie's gaze fell onto the Doctor's eyes, he remembered that this was
>no alien intruder, that he owed nothing to the Osirians. He was
>suddenly aware that he was standing with arms outstretched, in the
>Doctor's grasp. "What happened?"

Tom: [Doctor] You were doing your Charro impression. I did the best I could
to stop you.

>
>"You feel under the influence of an implanted Osirian suggestion to
>strangle me.

Mike: [Jamie] No, I just really hate your guts.

>I saw your reflection in the metal panel and was able to
>counter the effect."
>
>"Can you free Victoria that way?"
>
>"I'm afraid not, her body is being inhabited by an Osirian psyche,

Crow: Well, he's renting, actually.

>it
>will take far more than simple counter-hypnosis to free her."

Tom: [Doctor] I might have to buy...<GASP!>...a swinging pendant...

>
>* * *
>
>Kohentan sat in his ships control throne; he was monitoring the battle
>barge in orbit above. He knew that standard Osirian strategy would
>prevent Ra from taking action against him until they knew his plans,
>by the time they did, though, it would be to late;

Tom: The muffins would already be DONE! HAH!
Mike: You're just in your own little world, aren't you?

>the plague would be
>loose, and the end of the Osirian rulers a certainty. He once more
>checked the state of the mind in his current body, it was still
>atrophying. Within a few hours, it would be gone forever and he would
>be able to exercise his full telepathic powers without risk of the
>original persona resurfacing.

Tom: Wow, talk about "persona non grata"...
Mike: He should have called Roto-Rooter to get that persona out.

>
>* * *
>
>The Doctor and Jamie had managed to evade the traps and stood at the
>end of the corridor on a ledge.

Crow: [Jamie] I dare yew to jump, Doctor.

>Below them was a massive cavern, part
>natural, part artificial. It was at least half a mile across. The
>cavern contained the buildings of the lost colony, a collection of
>pyramids and obelisks. They were mostly made from red Martian stone,
>but at the centre stood a group of structures that were a totally
>non-reflective black.
>
>"I'd guess that what we are looking for is in one of those buildings
>made from Phaester obsidian."

Mike: [Doctor] At least that's what the script says.

>
>"What are we going to do when we find it? What is your plan?"

Tom: [Doctor] I figured I'd use you as a human shield while I infiltrate
their headquarters -- D'OH!

>
>"I'm not quite sure, my plan is not exactly finalised yet, but I'm
>sure I'll think of something by the time we get back to Kohentan."

Crow: It's all spur-of-the-moment here, folks, this is improv fanfiction
at its best.

>
>So saying, the Doctor started to scramble down the cliff face to the
>city below; Jamie followed.

Mike: [Doctor] No, Jamie! I fell! Catch my hand -- AIIEEEEEEEEE!

>
>* * *
>
>In the space above the red planet, Ra's battle barge was a hive of
>activity. Ra had consulted with Horus, who had given him authority to
>take whatever action he felt necessary to prevent Kohentan using the
>plague that had devastated the colony on the world below.

Tom: First of all, Ra decided that scantily-clad slave girls were essential
to success.

>Ra had
>weighed all the options,

Mike: ...Queried his Magic Eight Ball...

>made his decision, and given the orders to
>his Ka'baa crew.
>
>The engineers having received the orders were busy implementing them.

Mike: Too busy, in fact, for punctuation.
Tom: It's dedication like no man has ever known.

>They had increased the output from the auxiliary reactors to maximum
>and had diverted the energy to the relevant systems. They monitored
>the slow build-up of power on their read-outs. They reached the
>required level; the chief engineer opened his communication line to
>the bridge. "Inform his Excellency that the systems are fully charged
>and operational."

Crow: [Engineer] And tell him I said "Hi."

>
>On the bridge, Ra received the message. He turned to the Ka'baa in
>charge of weapons. "Prepare to activate the neutron cannon at full
>power, target the planet below, total destruction."

Tom: Wow, you could cut the suspense with Gramma's gums...
Mike: Now THERE'S a beautiful thought...
Crow: I think David Burke copied this from Star Wars...
Gypsy: [Off-screen] Hey, guys! It's bottom of the seventh!
Mike: All right!
Crow: Hot dog!
[They exit the theater.]

>
>

[1...2...3...4...5...6...*]

[SOL Bridge. Mike's sitting in a lawn chair with snack wrappers and soda
cups scattered around him. Tom's to his right with a similar mess as
well.]
Tom: Hi there, viewers! We're taking time out for a seventh inning stretch
here on the SOL. You know, that interminable time while baseball
players do nothing and the fans eat and drink at outrageous park
prices?
Mike: Well, we've recreated that atmosphere, right down to the rabble-
rousing cheers.
Magic Voice: Let's show that SOL spirit, Cheese fans!
["Charge" electric organ music is played.]
Tom and Mike: WEEEEEEEEPPPPP!!!
["Charge" electric organ music is played again.]
Tom and Mike: MOOOUUURRRRNNN!!!
["Charge" electric organ music is played once more.]
Tom and Mike: [Really fast to fit the tone] ABANDONHOPEYEALLWHOENTER-
HEEEEEEEEERE!!!
Tom: Whew! I don't know about you, Mike, but all that morale just plum
tuckered me out. I'm gonna go find the Schlitz tent.
[Tom hovers out to stage right. Crow enters from the left with a
snacks tray held in his arms.]
Crow: Popcorn! Hotdogs! Peanuts! Prophylactics!
Mike: Crow!
Crow: Heh-heh. Just checking, Mike-aroonie. What can I do ya for?
Mike: [Considering] Hmm...Do you have some popcorn?
Crow: Sorry, Mike, I'm fresh out.
Mike: How about a hot dog?
Crow: Those were gone *hours* ago.
Mike: Peanuts?
Crow: Wouldn't you know it? The Planters people are on strike.
Mike: Well, what do you have?
Crow: [Checks his tray] Weeeeeeelllll, lessee, hmm...I haaaaavvve...
Nothing! Imagine that! Tell you what, fella, next time I'm through
here, I'll save a box of popcorn just for you.
Mike: Thanks, Crow.
[Crow exits stage left as Tom enters from the same direction.]
Tom: Program! Getcher programs! Can't tell the muenster from the
gorgonzola without a program! How ya gonna know what's cheese
and what's trash without a program?
Mike: I'll take one! Over here!
[Mike reaches over and takes a program from Tom's tray. It looks
mysteriously like a copy of the ACEG. He flips through it and nods
satisfactorily.]
Mike: How much does it cost?
Tom: That'll be $19.95, not counting federal, state, international, and
galactic tax.
Mike: What!?
Tom: Well, think about it, Mike. The SOL is run from Deep 13, subsidized
by the US government, supported by Third World countries, and under
the silent supervision of giant raspberry blancmange from the
planet Skyron. So all those taxes have to apply here.
Mike: [Grumbling] Oh, all right. [He pulls out a piece of paper and pencil.
Figuring to himself] Okay, lessee, carry the one, add the two, adjust
for extra-solar inflation... [Dismayed] Aw, man! [Sighs, reaches into
his pocket and pulls out a wad of cash.] There, that should be enough,
I hope. That's all I get until my next "Trapped in Space" supplement.
Tom: [Looking the money over] Looks like enough for a down payment. Yeah,
I'll cut you a deal on interest too and put you on the SuperSpenders
debt plan. So long, Mike!
[Tom leaves, taking the money with him. How? I do not know. Mike
settles back to enjoy his new purchase when Crow reenters.]
Crow: Hey, Mike! I got that popcorn for you.
Mike: Thanks, Crow! [Realizes] Oh no, I just spent the last of my money on
this program!
Crow: [Tsk's disappointedly] Sorry, Mike. I can't do anything for you about
this. I don't extend credit to people who spend willy-nilly like you.
Guess you'll have to go without.
Mike: But --
["Fanfic Sign" goes off without warning.]
Crow and Mike: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIIIIIGGGNNNN!!!

[1...2...3...4...5...6...*]

>
>
>Red Dawn
>Chapter 9 - Master of Mars

Mike: Leader of the Milky Way, Grand Poo-bah of the Snickers, High-up
Muckety-Muck of the Mounds...

>by Joe Mason
>
>In the space above the red planet,

Crow: ...Kim Stanley Robinson opened up a big bucket of paint.

>Ra's battle barge was a hive

Tom: [Farmy, down-home narrator] The drones prepare the hive for the
coming winter by storing honey and getting the queen ready for the
long sleep 'til spring.

>of activity. Ra had consulted with Horus, who had given him

Crow: ...A really tight late --
Mike: Down, boy.

>authority to take whatever action he felt necessary to prevent
>Kohentan using the plague that had devastated the colony on the

Mike: ...Spinning papier mache globe.

>world below. Ra had weighed all the options, made his decision,
>and given the orders to his Ka'baa crew.

Crow: Okay, listen up everyone! Shuffleboard is at nine, then arts and
crafts at ten. The brunch buffet will be open until noon.

>
>The engineers having received the orders were busy implementing
>them.

Mike: [Drill sergeant] You heard the colonel, men! He wants the crinoline
doilies in place by the time he gets back!

>They had increased the output from the auxiliary reactors
>to maximum and had diverted the energy to the relevant systems.

Tom: The flux capacitor was fluxing, the hyperdrive was actually turned
on, and the tachyon emitters were emitting.

>They monitored the slow build-up of power on their read-outs.

Crow: Much like the pacing of this story, only faster.

>They reached the required level; the chief engineer opened his
>communication line to the bridge. "Inform his Excellency that

Mike: ...His clothes are ironed and laid out on the bed.

>the systems are fully charged and operational."
>
>On the bridge, Ra received the message.

Tom: Sale at Penny's!

>He turned to the Ka'baa
>in charge of weapons. "Prepare to activate the neutron cannon at
>full power, target the planet below, total destruction."

Mike: Shouldn't full power mean total destruction?

>
>* * *
>
>The first of the dead black buildings contained a control room.
>The Doctor was ecstatic.

Tom: Yes! We can get the Sci-Fi Channel!

>"Look, Jamie, its still functioning!
>Wonderful - we can use the equipment here to find Kohentan's
>plague for him."

Mike: Yeah! And we'll spread death and disease across the globe! Won't
that be fun?

>
>"Oh, aye, Doctor," said Jamie. "And do we really *want* to find
>Kohentan's plague for him?"

Crow: Well, sure, why not? He's a nice guy, he even gave us these
cool bombs.

>
>The Doctor didn't seem to hear him. He was staring at one of
>the consoles with a growing look of horror. "Oh dear," he
>muttered.

Tom: Someone's been taping "Homeboys in Outer Space"!

>"Oh dear. Oh DEAR!"
>
>"What is it, Doctor?"

Mike: I've lost my recorder!

>
>The Doctor began ticking points off on his fingers. "First,

Tom: ...You're a dillweed.

>our
>two friends on the surface are not the only Osirans in the area.
>There's a much larger ship in orbit, and from what Senkra said
>it would have to be Ra.

All: Ra! Ra! Sis boom bah! Bricka bracka, firecracka, ra ra ra!

>Second,

Crow: ...I *really* don't like you.

>this equipment is reading a
>massive neutron build-up on that ship, and this console is
>quite distinctly telling me that this is bad. They seems to be
>preparing for a planetary bombardment!"

Mike: Sure, all those fliers are annoying, but is it really something to
get all worked up over?

>
>"An' what was the third then?"

Crow: [Gene Wilder] You're standing on my foot!

>
>The Doctor looked mildly annoyed. "I believe that second was
>quite enough to make two 'Oh dears', thank you Jamie.
>The
>cannons on Osiran battlemoons have been known to destroy star
>clusters. Not stars, mind you - star clusters."

Tom: I love those! Especially the ones with the crunchy little quasars.

>He turned away
>from the console and headed to the other side of the room.

Crow: C'mere. Look at this! He's got bumper pool *and* a regular
pool table!

>"Jamie," he said absently, "Why don't you go find that plague
>while I try to talk our way out of this?"
>
>"How am *I* supposed to tell the bloody plague when I see it!"

Mike: Well, lots of people will be dying. Clear enough?

>
>"Really, Jamie, do I have to do all the thinking for you?

Crow: That question doesn't deserve an answer.

>I have quite enough to think about for myself! Hurry, now - we
>may not have much time!"
>
>The last thing Jamie saw as he exited the room was the Doctor
>pulling out his recorder and placing it absent-mindedly to his
>lips while he studied the unfamiliar equipment.

Tom: [Doctor] I wonder if I can play "Stairway to Heaven"...
Crow: Does Osiran '95 has Zoop?

>
>* * *
>
>Two moons - only one natural -

Mike: Here at Luna Farms we grow all natural moons without artificial
chemicals in our crops.

>glittered down on a massive
>energy shield that had been hastily erected around the Pyramid
>of Kohentan. The Ka'baa on board had also noted the power
>build-up on Ra's battleship, and were pouring their entire
>energy into defending their master's stronghold, rendering
>themselves nearly comatose in the process.

Tom: Sounds like a casting call for "Flatliners."

>
>While this may have slowed Ra's neutron beams for some time, it
>made it rather easy for Sskrantz and Ssturn to sneak aboard.

Crow: [Wacky announcer] Tonight on "My Favorite Martians," those
wacky Martians leave a nasty phone message on their boss's
answering machine and have to sneak in to erase it.

>
>* * *
>
>The Doctor stared at the unfamiliar controls in annoyance.

Mike: All right, what the hell is a "Ctrl"?

>It
>was taking him far too long to puzzle out the communications
>array. He hummed a low tone into his recorder, and was
>delighted to hear a slightly higher pitched one resonate back
>from the screen in front of him. "So that's that, then," he
>muttered, "which means this must be - this!" Without
>hesitation, he leaned forward and pressed one of the glyphs in
>front of him.

Tom: Would playing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" connect with you with
long distance?

>The startled face of a Ka'baa suddenly filled the screen.

All: [Surprised] Aaahh!

>
>"WHO ARE YOU, WHO DARES TO DISTURB THE MIGHTY RA?" it boomed.

Tom: [Deep, stentorian] I do! I, son of Ator and the Hubcap Girl, do dare
disturb the bad guy from "Stargate"!

>
>"How do you do, I'm the Doctor, " the Doctor replied in a rush,
>"I have some information that Ra may be interested in if you
>could just have him turn off his neutron cannon for a moment..."

Mike: [Finicky falsetto] You know the rules: no cooking or firing neutron
cannons after ten PM.

>
>"SILENCE!" the Ka'baa interrupted. "RA IS NOT INTERESTED IN
>YOUR KIND."

Crow: That's discrimination!

>
>"Oh, really?" the Doctor asked mildly. "That really is
>unfortunate, since I was going to tell him about

Crow: ...This really cool sale at Ames.

>the future of
>the Osiran race. Did I mention I travel through time?"

Mike: Multiple times, yes.

>
>A sceptical frown pulled down the Ka'baa's blue-tinged visage.

Crow: You say it's ten percent off all housewares?

>
>"Oh, yes," the Doctor pressed on, acutely aware of the passing
>of time.

Mike: So are we, Doc, so are we.
Tom: Tick...tick...tick...tick...

>"I'm very well travelled, in fact, and I've made quite

Mike: ...A bundle investing in soy bean futures.

>a study of the future works of some of Ra's Osiran
>contemporaries. I think he would be quite interested in Set's
>study of this virus which Kohentan is looking for."

Crow: Wasn't Set an evil god?

>
>There was a new tinge to the Ka'baa's voice as it replied - now
>the Doctor could almost feel the mind of Ra lurking behind it's
>eyes.

Tom: Ew! Those are some nasty thoughts, mister!

>"SET HAS STUDIED THE VIRUS?"
>
>"Will study," the Doctor corrected. "I believe Anubis made some
>important discoveries as well, though it was only a side
>interest for him, of course.

Crow: So between his reapings, Anubis spent his time curing viruses.
Tom: Hypocrite.

>If I could just have a moment of your time,

Mike: ...I'm sure you'll agree the Big Green Clean Machine is just what your
household needs.

>I'll aquaint you with the more salient points - and I
>think it will convince you that using energy weapons on this
>planet must be avoided at all costs!"

Mike: [Hippie] This is a protected habitat, man! Save the Yads!

>
>The Ka'baa's face went expressionless as Ra studied the Doctor
>through its eyes. After a moment, it turned its head and
>boomed, "POWER DOWN THE NEUTRON CANNON. I WILL HEAR HIM OUT."

Crow: [Ra] Then I'll kill 'im!

>
>* * *
>
>Finding the virus was easier then Jamie had expected -

Mike: I bet they left it on the back porch in a big mayonnaise jar.

>it was in
>the next building, in a room filled with metal cabinets and
>rimed with frost.

Tom: Guarded by an Ancient Mariner, no doubt.

>Jamie had grown used to the cold since
>arriving on Mars, but this room had such a chill that he had to
>scrabble with numbed fingers to pick up the tray of tiny
>capsules.

Mike: [Jamie] "Take two with water before dying"? What's that mean?

>The Ka'baa and the servitor mummy which he and the
>Doctor had followed into the lost colony were lifeless in the
>middle of the floor, drained of power.

Tom: These would be the same two whose component molecules were
dispersed, right?

>Jamie skirted them warily.

Crow: Can he do that in a kilt?

>
>"Och," he muttered to himself through chattering teeth,

Tom: [Jamie] Haim Scottish, nae doot.

>"The
>Doctor c-c-canna hae known it'd be this simple."

Mike: Certainly would explain why he sent Jamie.

>
>He was balancing the tray precariously on one hand, the other
>gripping his dirk suspiciously, when he bumped into the Doctor
>coming out of the control room. Something was odd about the
>Doctor - his eyes were hooded,

Crow: Whoa! He looks like two Quarrymen with one head!

>and he stared in front of him with single-minded intensity.

Tom: [Hypnotized] Must...see..."Lost in Space..."

>Jamie skipped a step backward in
>surprise, nearly dropping the tray. The Doctor brushed past
>without acknowledging him.

Mike: He snubbed me!

>
>"Wha's this, now, Doctor?" he called. "I know ye told me ye had
>a lot te think about, but it canna be that bad!"

Mike: [Doctor] Well, no, but those legs of yours...ai, chihuahua!

>
>The Doctor stopped, turned, looked at him dispassionately.
>"TAKE THE VIRUS TO MY SERVANT SENKRA," he said. His voice was a
>rumble. "HE WILL BRING IT BACK TO MY SHIP TO DISPOSE OF IT
>SAFELY."

Crow: Dear God!
Tom: I know! He's speaking in caps! What have they done?

>
>Jamie stared at him, flabbergasted. "An' what about this,
>then?" he asked, indicating the bomb that was still strapped to
>his back. "If I try to go back to Senkra, he'll blow to
>smithereens!"

Mike: Wouldn't Jamie blow up?

>
>The Doctor/Ra shook his head. "HE HAS BEEN ORDERED NOT TO
>DETONATE THE BOMBS. THE DOCTOR HAS INFORMED ME THAT IT WOULD
>FEED THE VIRUS AND CAUSE IT TO SPREAD - MUCH LIKE THE NEUTRON
>CANNON WOULD HAVE. IT COULD DESTROY US ALL."

Crow: And still will if I have anything to say about it!

>
>Without pausing, the Doctor turned and stalked down the
>corridor,

Mike: Heeeeeeere's Johnny!

>ignoring the Osiran runes that had so fascinated him
>on the way down.

Tom: Probably the Osiran equivalent of "Joe wuz heer."

>Jamie followed discreetly, trying not to draw
>the thing's attention - he remembered all too well what it was
>like to have Senkra's thoughts in his head.

Crow: Disturbingly pleasing...

>
>Soon the Doctor/Ra reached the surface, where Victoria/Kohentan
>waited in a circle of armed Ice Warriors. They drew back as the
>Doctor/Ra approached. Only Victoria/Kohentan could match his
>steely gaze.

Mike: Joe here has taken schizophrenia to new extremes.

>
>"HAVE YOU BROUGHT ME THE VIRUS?" Kohentan's voice demanded. The
>Doctor's eyes glittered.

Tom: At least he didn't mention their color.

>
>"NO!" roared the voice of Ra. "YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE
>MEDDLING WITH! THIS DOCTOR HAS TOLD ME MUCH OF THIS VIRUS. HE
>HAS GIVEN ME INSIGHT INTO THE FUTURE OF OUR RACE!

Mike: There will be nothing but cheap 80's videos if we go your way!

>YOU MUST NOT BE ALLOWED TO CONTINUE!"
>
>Victoria's face blanched, as she took a step backwards. The
>Doctor pressed forward.

Crow: Careful, careful. You don't have the Shield of Non-wounding. This
level boss could kill you.

>
>"DO YOU NOT KNOW ME, KOHENTAN? I AM RA! I COULD DESTROY YOUR
>MORTAL HOST NOW, AND THE PAIN WOULD RENDER YOU HELPLESS FOR AN
>ETERNITY. I COULD DO THIS!" Abruptly the voice deepened. "BUT
>I WILL NOT.

Tom: ...The writer forbids it.
Mike: This guy does less things than Azal.

>IN RETURN FOR THE KNOWLEDGE HE HAS GIVEN ME, AND FOR
>THE USE OF HIS BODY, I HAVE PROMISED THE DOCTOR THE LIFE OF HIS
>COMPANION. SO I WILL MERELY FORCE YOU OUT. IT WILL NOT RENDER
>YOU HELPLESS, NOT COMPLETELY - BUT IN SOME WAYS IT WILL BE EVEN
>MORE PAINFUL!"

Crow: Prepare for the agony that is..."The Giant Gila Monster"!

>
>Victoria/Kohentan screamed in rage, and threw up her hands to
>ward off the Doctor/Ra's advance. Almost as one, the two locked
>their hands around each other's throats and began to struggle.

Mike: Nu-uh! You're a poopiehead!
Crow: No, you're a double poopiehead with pee-pee on top!
Mike: [Gasps in shock] I'm telling mom!

>
>Unnoticed by the watching Ice Warriors, whose visors were fixed
>on the conflict in front of them, Jamie slipped out of the
>tunnel and began to run.
>
>* * *
>
>Sskrantz and Ssturn made their way past unconscious or dead
>Ka'baa, fallen servitor robots, and fellow Martians who stared
>at them with dead eyes. "A shame," whispered Ssturn. "We, too,
>could become like them."

Crow: [Ro-man] To live like the Mar-tian!

>But neither of them turned aside from
>their path, pushed ahead as they were by the last vestige of
>Senkra's thought.

Tom: [Strained whispering] Must...get to...Ames sale...

>
>Ahead was a pair of massive doors inscribed with glyphs of
>chariots and lightning.

Mike: Must be the anniversary showing of "Chariots of Fire."

>The two Martians did not slow. Without
>fear, they pushed the doors open and entered the shadowed room
>beyond.

Crow: Mwa ha ha ha ha ha! Welcome to my...lab...yes, lab...*lab*...

>
>As their gaze fell on the sarcophagus that dominated the room,
>Senkra's hypnotic suggestion vanished.

Tom: ...And they now longer believed thenselves to be two hip 90's guys
in a show about mistreating women.

>They found themselves

Crow: ...Standing naked in the middle of homeroom.

>standing at the feet of the mighty Kohentan, alone and afraid.
>The bombs strapped to their backs began to itch.

Mike: Then their backs began to scratch the bombs that itched.

>
>And suddenly Kohentan's massive figure drew a deep, shuddering
>breath - and roared in pain.

Crow: Does this bug you? Does this bug you? I'm not touching you.

>
>* * *
>
>If Jamie had stopped to look behind him when he heard Victoria
>scream, he might have seen her crumple to the Martian sand with
>a look almost of peace on her face.

Tom: [Victoria] Well, I'm all screamed out. Think I'll take a nap now.

>The Martian visage she had
>acquired began to relax and melt away, returning to her natural
>features.

Mike: So even though all the changes were chemical-induced, they
disappear if Kohentan is kicked out?

>
>But he was running as fast as he could past the assembled Ice
>Warriors. Most of them paid him no heed at all, but a few
>turned belatedly to point their weapons at him -

Crow: Fire! Or I'll halt you!

>but he was
>already gone, hidden behind a rock outcropping, on his way to

Tom: ...The top of Mount Mansfield. He *would* reach the top!

>Senkra's ship. The precious and deadly tray of virus was
>gripped in both hands now, but it still jolted unnervingly as
>his feet flew across the rocky terrain.

Mike: If his feet are flying, what happened to the rest of his body?

>
>Senkra watched him come. He had monitored the conversation
>between the Doctor and Ra, and had perhaps read more into it
>then Ra had.

Tom: I'm telling you, "Plan 9 From Outer Space" is deeply symbolic!
Crow: Symbolic of a disturbed mind, maybe.

>This "Doctor" had spoken glibly of the future of
>Phaester Osiris, but there had been too many pauses, too many
>inconsistencies, too many rushed details.

Mike: It sounded too much like "The Eight Doctors."

>Still, the Doctor
>could not be expected to know *everything* - he was not Osiran,
>after all. Ra obviously believed him, but Senkra had doubts...
>
>And now - now what was he to believe?

Crow: Let's see, on one hand we have Ra, the all-powerful and genocidal
guy with a moon-shaped battleship. And on the other we have a
"cosmic hobo." Who would you choose?

>All his pieces were in position.

Mike: Yes, but I still have an enemy spy behind your lines!
Tom: I hate Stratego.

>The two Martians stood next to the unprotected body
>of Kohentan - a strike now could destroy him forever.

Mike: Kohentan's invested a lot in Flint, Michigan, plants.

>Just as
>he had planned. Ra - what a miscalculation! -

Tom: Can you believe that? He used pi instead of pi to the fourth power!
What a dope!

>had placed himself in the body of the Doctor.

Crow: This story smacks of "Quantum Leap."

>If he pushed the button now,

Mike: ...The experiment would end early!
All: C'mon, push it! [Chanting] Push it, push it, push it, do the deed, do
the deed, do the deed...

>Senkra could destroy the Doctor and knock Ra unconscious, render
>his great battleship without guidance. He would have to move
>quickly after that, but he would gain himself much needed time
>to lay his plans against Ra.
>
>The only problem was the fourth bomb.

Concluded in Part 6 of 6...

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