MiSTied: "Celebration"
Anthony Castellino
Here it is, lucky #7 for me. Enjoy it.
Anthony Castellino
(Normal pre-season 5 credits.)
0...2...3...4...5...6...*
(<SoL> Tom is standing in the middle of the bridge. He is reading from
a book of poetry. Soft, gentle, springtime music is playing in the
background.)
TOM: Fire of my heart burning bright
Your gentle touch seeds my dreams
Reality begins to lblend into extremes
As the fire lights the dim twilight
(Then, before the view, words appear on screen: TOM SERVO...)
TOM: I hold your hand, you hold my soul
To hear your voice is to hear what an angel sings
Oh the joy to the promise that tomorrow brings
I feel my senses begin to lose control
(VS...)
TOM: The enthusiastic press of your lips
And as I feel you against my skin
When will your love for me begin?
You hold my destiny in your fingertips
(GODZILLA.)
TOM: The promises you whisper, so sublime
Crashing down like thunder
Behold to the world, you are the eighth wonder
As images of you haunt my state of mind
(Suddenly, with a crash of a drum from the background music, a giant
green, scaley and clawed foot comes down upon Tom Servo.)
TOM: Ooohhhh...
(THE END. WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY CROW T. ROBOT.)
(Commercials.)
(<SoL> Joel is trying to fix Tom up. Is head is cracked and his body is
rather gnarled.)
JOEL: You guys have really got to tone down your film projects.
TOM: I didn't know I was going to be *in* one of his lame-brain
projects.
CROW: Hey, I needed the shock element! Okay! What better way to
suprise you than to have a giant lizard come stomping down upon
you?
TOM: We have issues to settle later, Crow...
(Mad light starts flashing.)
JOEL: Ease up now, guys. John Woo and Quentin Tarantino are calling.
(Joel hits the light.)
<Deep 13>
DR. F: Ah, there you are Frankenwiene. Are you ready with the invention
exchange this week?
(<SoL> Tom is miraculously back to normal.)
JOEL: Right here, Mein Fuhrer. Our invention deal with the common
concept of cutting
our food with our fork. Everyone knows it's quicker, easier
and more polite to cut
our food with our knife. But we forget ourselves when we go
at that T-bone and try
to cut it by jamming the side of our fork into that meat.
So, I figure, lets cater to
those needs and combine the gripping power of the fork with
the slicing power of
the knife.
CROW: Right. The initial problem with this was how to make it smooth
and efficient with
depending on a second utensil to hold down our food. So,
we came up with this
little device.
(Joel pulls out a fork that has the bottom prong replaced with a tiny
chainsaw. A gas powered engine is attached to the handle.)
TOM: We like to call it the Makita Fork.
(Joel gaves the starter cord a jerk and it whorls to life with a loud
din. Joel puts on some safty goggles and goes to town cutting all sorts
of food and then blocks of wood.)
JOEL (shouting over the noise): Cuts through a tin can like a tomato and
it's dishwasher
safe! What do you think, sirs?
<Deep 13>
DR. F: What do I think? It stinks! But, our invention exchange also
deals with combining food and technology.
FRANK: I still have doubts about the ethics of this invention, Dr. F.
DR. F: Oh, shut up Dunken Hinder and go wheel it out.
FRANK (meekly): Okay, Steve.
(Frank exits.)
DR. F: You know the claim the Mac geeks are making about Windows 98,
correct Joely-
pooh? How it's web browser is the only one compatable with
it? They say it
creates an unfair monopoly on Internet for Bill Gates.
Well, it's true. But I
thought, why can't we place that same kind of limits and
restrictions on other areas
of industry? And what more important area of industy than
the food business?
(Frank wheels in a large cart of kitchen items.)
DR. F: I present to you, Kitchen 98! Overhere is the Kitchen 98 coffee
bean grinder. Lets
try it with some normal coffee beans. Frank...
(Frank pours some normal looking coffee beans into the coffee grinder.
He then puts saftey goggles on and slowly pushes the grind button, eyes
tightly closed. It explodes, covering him in soot.)
DR. F: Now try it with compatable coffee beans.
(Frank pours it coffee beans from a bag of Kitchen 98 coffee beans and
slowly pushes the grind button, with the same hesitancy. But this, time
it grinds normally. Frank is greatly relieved.)
DR. F: And you get basically the same reaction from the rest of the
items here. We figure
R.J. Reynolds would eat this product up.
<SoL>
JOEL: You are pure evil, Dr. Forrester.
<Deep 13>
DR. F: Why thank you, Joel. I try my best. Well, time for your
experiment. Get ready
for some Han and Leia romance, Australian style, as our
friend Pam Scales
"frights" up a touching Star Wars melodrama called
"Celebration." But first, enjoy
it with a short from a Boston area girl with one bizarre
fettish. Have fun. Frank,
cook me some pancakes.
(Frank looks at him in horror.)
(<SoL> Klaxons and sirens are going off.)
JOEL: Oh, we've got fanfic sign!
(He hits the button.)
0...2...3...4...5...6...*
(They enter the theater.)
TOM: Guys, I don't mind telling you that my fight-or-flight instinct is
acting up already.
JOEL: Take it easy. We'll be fine.
> Are you a guy
JOEL: Last time I checked.
> between the ages of 18-23 who is
> HOT, TICKLISH, and IN NEED OF SOME U.S. CASH?
TOM (announcer): You can make big money at home by selling you soul!
Why be weighed down by the unnecessary burden?
> Or, perhaps, even a new NEC Ready PC with a Pentium Pro
> processor? If so, read on... I'm very serious about what you'll
> find.
CROW: Humiliation, and lots of it.
> UPDATE: Right now, I have 3 NEC Ready 9716 PCs available,
> featuring:
> 56 kbs US Robotics X2 modem
> 4+ gig hard drive
> 32 mb RAM
> Video Card/2 mb video memory
> Built-in Zip Drive
> 24 speed CD Rom
TOM: And a laser-guided cappuccino maker.
JOEL: I didn't know they made Commodors that advanced.
> Other PC systems are also available.
TOM: Just don't let Bill Gates know.
> My name is Terri.
ALL: Hi Terri.
> I am a female college student in the Boston area.
CROW (Terri): I'm also an agoraphobic.
TOM (Terri): I keep a collection of human male skulls
> As a hobby...one that costs me ALOT of money
JOEL: She collects Honus Wagner baseball cards.
> ...I maintain a
> personal collection of amateur videos featuring guys being
> tickled (usually for 30 or 60 minutes) by a girlfriend, good girl
> friend, girl friends, or even guy friends.
(Stunned silence.)
TOM: This is a joke, right?
CROW: Sounds like somebody needs to put down the "Magic: The Gathering"
cards and go do some socializing.
> I am not a business,
> video trader, or porn solicitor. My interest is in TICKLING.
JOEL: And degradation.
> I am actively looking for guys to make videos that I can add to
> my collection.
TOM (Terri): I've got extra room in the freezer.
> Guys that interest me are YOUNG
CROW: And naive.
> (basically,
> my age...18-23),
JOEL: Basically, my reading on the dignity meter... 18-23.
> HOT
TOM: Or original recipe.
> (swimmer/soccer/runnerbuilt....on the
> thin side...not too "big-n-buff"....with little or no bodyfat
> whatsoever),
JOEL: Anorexic males are the most appriciated.
> and TICKLISH! No sex or nudity are wanted in
> my videos. I just want to see guys tied up and mercilessly,
> relentlessly TICKLED.
CROW: She just likes to sit there in the dark watching these videos
while listening to "Masichism Tango" on repeat mode.
TOM: Ooohh. *shudder*
> If you are interested in this UNIQUE (and hopefully FUN)
JOEL: Then you will make a guest appearance on "Cops" as the tapes are
confiscated on
national TV.
> way of
> making $$$$, please e-mail me.
CROW: "Dear Terri. Get a life! Love and smooches, Crow T. Robot,
ro...@sol.com."
> I need you to provide me with
> a general picture
TOM: Will my Eisenhower do?
CROW: Oh, booooo!
> (.gifs, .jpgs, .bmps, and pictures found on
> webpage URLS are fine...and I have a mailing address to "snailmail"
> regular photos, also) before I can make you a concrete cash offer.
CROW: If we pass the address on, maybe it will get to Ted Kaczynski.
JOEL: Hey...
> Average fees paid:
> $125 for a 30 minute video
> $250 for a 60 minute video
JOEL: Wow-wee! She'll double my money if I do twice as much. What a
deal!
TOM: Terri assumes that basic math is not within your skills.
CROW: Neither is dignity.
> PCs are available for multiple video deals and to groups of
> guys (frats, teams, etc) that make videos.
JOEL: This girl puts Larry Flint to shame.
> Money offered is determined by your looks, ticklishness, and who
> will be tickling you.
CROW (German accent): She is breeding the master race.
TOM: I think this monologue was taken straight from a View Askew movie.
CROW (Dante): You sucked thirty-seven...
JOEL: Guys...
> Asian, Black and Hispanic guys are ESPECIALLY welcomed and wanted!!!
CROW: Maybe Lewis Farakhan is right.
> I have numerous online references that are available for contact to
> assure you of my honesty, legitimacy, and SERIOUSNESS about all of
> this.
TOM (Terri): My parole officer can vouch for my rehabilitation.
> PLEASE NOTE: This is not a TICKLING SERVICES AVAILABLE
> POSTING.
JOEL: This is, in fact, a message from Satan himself.
> I have a boyfriend,
CROW (Terri): I ate him with farva beens and a nice, sparkling Fresca.
*slurp*
> full cadre of friends,
TOM: As long as the money keeps coming in.
> and plenty of
> guys to tickle already. I AM NOT LOOKING TO MEET OR TICKLE ANY
> GUYS ENCOUNTERED FROM CYBERSPACE!!!!
JOEL: Shucks. Lots of broken hearts out there now.
> I also do not provide
> videotaping equipment, facilities, or girls to tickle you. All
> aspects of video production are your responsibility!!!!!
CROW: So add your own exclamation points!
> Think about it!!!
JOEL: Thrill as Terri thumbs her nose at society!
> E-mail me if interested: Terri...@mci.2000.com
TOM: So what do you imagine this Terri girl to be like?
CROW: I've got an image of that half-woman, half-spider looking thing
from "Wicked City."
JOEL: Okay guys, time to regroup. The main feature is about to begin.
>Celebration
>
>By Pamela Scales
>Chapter 1
TOM: She doesn't waste any time. She just jumps right into the story.
>Leia looked at her reflection in the mirror. She had done a great job.
JOEL: Never before in her entire life had she looked into a mirror with
such skill and
dexterity.
> Her hair had been >braided and coiled around yet another long braid that hung down her back.
TOM: That's not her hair. That's two anacondas mating!
> Her make-up >was natural, perfect for a person in her position.
CROW: Yeah, down at the 182 Club.
> The beautiful gown that hugged her >figure had just had the finishing touches seen to by the tailor droid. A heavy silver >necklet adorned her graceful neck
TOM: Snapping it like a twig.
JOEL: It's too early to be dark, guys.
> and matched the belt around her slim waist. She looked >like a Princess, and she was as nervous as as hell.
CROW: Kind of overdressed for her tax audit, isn't she?
>
>In a few moments she would stand before The Rebel Alliance and award Luke Skywalker >and Han Solo Decorations of bravery that would also make them each Heroes of The >Rebellion.
TOM: Chewbacca, on the other hand, not being human, receives nothing at
all. The ACLU is called in and the case is heard in the Supreme Court.
> Her heart raced as she thought of Luke. How innocent and naive he had been >when he had rescued her from the Death Stars' detention block.
JOEL: Now a days he looks like a scarecrow on a caffine high.
> His blue eyes filled her >thoughts,
CROW: Like that one scene from "The Twilight Zone Movie."
> as she let her mind flow and dream. Tonight she hoped she would dance with >him, all night if she could.
JOEL (singing): All day, and all of the night...
> Leia had never had a crush before and as a consequence didn't >even realize that was what she was feeling right now.
TOM: Despair, fear and jealousy.
> A very early start in the Imperial >Senate and diplomatic training had never let her have the chance to giggle and swoon over
>dashing pilots and soldiers, as other girls her age had done.
JOEL: Yeah, and she never got knocked up like other girls her age had
done.
Count your blessings, girl!
> Now Leia was having a >small moment, to think like the teenage girl she had never been allowed to be.
CROW (Leia, dreamy): Horses.
TOM (Leia, dreamy): 501s.
JOEL (Leia, dreamy): Tommy Lee.
> Her >thoughts running wild she thought of the other, Han Solo.
JOEL (Slavic): Blah-blah. I am Han Solo, and I am here to haunt your
dreams.
> That crass pirate would never >be her type; he was so rude and vulgar. Did he not know how to speak to Royalty?
TOM: Just don't mention the ears.
CROW: Wrong royalty, Tom.
> His >constant snide references to her status infuriated her. "Your Worshipfulness', "Your >Highnessness" Aaaargh!
JOEL: "Aaaargh"? He called her "Aaaargh"? Is that German or something?
CROW: Maybe Han was doing his Eegah impression.
> He drove her crazy.
TOM: Providing her with inspiration for "Postcards from the Edge."
> She hoped she wouldn't have to dance >with him at all, tonight. Well, maybe just one dance.
CROW: All depends if he slips her some ecstasy.
> After all he did come back and help >Luke destroy the Death Star. But still she thought of Luke. He, was her Hero.
TOM (singing): With stars in his eyes...
>******
JOEL: Looks like snowflakes dancing in "A Chorus Line."
>Luke and Han washed and dressed in their quarters
ALL: Whoah now!
CROW: Some things are not meant to be done together, guys.
> and met in the Lounge that joined >their rooms. A moment later Chewbacca entered through the main door. His fur glistened >and had been groomed to perfection.
TOM: The pink scrunchies are a bit too dainty, though.
> Although Han had to admit that Chewie always >took pride in his appearance he had never seen him look so, immaculate.
CROW: You try and look clean all the time when it takes a weed-wacker to
trim your hair.
> 'Well, Well >don't we look spiffy " Han teased. Chewie let out a roar that, had he been standing closer >to Han, would have messed up his precisely combed hair.
TOM (Han): Don't touch the hair. I work on the hair and you mess it
up. Now, I have to
mess up you jaw..
> " Of course I put a lot of extra >time into my appearance tonight.
CROW (Han): I have my court hearing tonight.
> Tonight I'm gonna make the Princess fall for a guy like >me!"
JOEL: You promise?
> Han retorted stabbing his thumb into his chest,
CROW (Han): OWWW! Oh, my heart!
> giving them a lopsided grin and >shaking his head confidently. Luke rolled his eyes at Chewbacca and the two of them >starting laughing.
TOM: Snake eyes! (Pause.) Cause, you see, he rolled his eyes. Uh, get
it?
CROW (grandfatherly): Yes, you're very smart. Shut up.
> "Hey! What's so funny?" Han said, suddenly frowning at them.
JOEL: Today's "Mr. Boffo" strip. It's hilarious.
> "Just >you wait till tonight, then we'll see who's laughing"
JOEL (Han): I'm the one who's going to leave this series with a career.
> and with that he strode out of the >main door.
CROW: Han, you forgot your pants! Han!
> Luke and Chewie followed after him stifling laughter and trying not look at >each other lest they fell over in the corridor in hysterics and dirtied their formal grooming. >Han strode ahead, ignoring them.
TOM: Little did Han realize was that Luke placed a "Kick Me" sign on his
butt.
>
>********
CROW: Um, it's a wing of Shadow fighters flying in formation.
>By the time they reached the Ceremony Hall, they had all calmed down and were now >very nervous.
TOM (Luke): I should do that first, and then... Han, when do I slip Leia
the tongue?
> The guards in the foyer welcomed them and ushered them to the aisle, >which would lead them to the steps to the dais.
JOEL: This is our alter to Dagon. You'll be sacrificed here...
> As the opening chords of the Alliance >Anthem struck,
BOTS (singing): Farm people, book wavers, soul savers, love preachers!
Lit to pop and nobody is going to stop...
JOEL (conductor): You guys are on the wrong page!
> Luke glanced at Han and broad grins spread across their faces. >Chewbacca stood proudly behind them.
CROW (facist): You're not human, so you don't desever an award!
> Striding down the aisle between the immaculate >rows of Rebellion Troops.
JOEL: Yeah, and then Chewie pushed one over and they fell like dominoes.
> Luke had never felt so proud in his entire life.
CROW: Except for the time he graduated from the third grade.
JOEL: It only took him twelve years to do so.
> For Han it >brought back memories of his time in the Imperial Navy
CROW: Especially the physical.
TOM (pubescent Han): You're going to stick that thermometer where?
> though he couldn't ever >remember feeling this elated in his service. As they neared the podium Leia stood before >them, stately though beaming like a young excited girl.
TOM (Leia): What dopes.
> 'She looks like a vision' Luke >thought. To Han she looked like the most beautiful woman he had ever laid his eyes on, >and he'd seen some beauties.
JOEL: Like Tipper Gore?
> Luke and Han bowed before Leia to receive they're medals. >Han being Han snuck a peek at Leia's extremely exposed cleavage and threw her a wink.
TOM (Seinfeld): Line of vision, what can I say?
>Luke bowed his head, politely diverted his eyes and grinned
>uncontrollably.
CROW (Luke): Heh heh, I'm sharp.
> At that moment C-3PO entered from the side of the stage with R2 - D2 >bleeping and twittering excitedly and jumping up and down (well as much as a droid can)
BOTS: Hey!
JOEL: She didn't mean anything by that guys.
TOM: I'll have you know I have a great verticle.
>his body shining after his complete overhaul. This made the trio smile even more as they >turned to salute their audience.
ALL: Up yours!
>
>**********
TOM: Turtles in synchronized swimming.
JOEL: Okay, we're really pushing it now.
>'May I escort you to the Celebration, Your Highness" Han asked, sensing his chance to >claim Leia's attention."
CROW: Mine!
> Well... Leia faltered as her eyes searched for Luke. At that >moment Luke turned to meet her pleading eyes and walked over to take her other arm >protectively. "You may both escort me" Leia answered diplomatically, after all it was >what she was best at.
TOM: This better not end up in a menage a trois.
CROW: Russ Meyer's "Star Wars."
JOEL: Starring Pandora Peaks as Princess Lay-me.
BOTS: Heh-heh.
> Han threw a quick warning glance at
>Luke but Luke was busy gazing into Leia's eyes.
TOM (Luke): Don't even think about it, bantha fodder.
> Han grimaced and dragged the two of >them towards the Celebration Room. Chewie at his side, smirking to himself.
CROW (Han): Well, my night's wasted... maybe not. Chewie, you wanna
dance?
TOM: (Angry Wookie noises.)
>
>Loud cheers greeted them as they walked through the large doors
JOEL: The pizza guys are here!
ALL: (Crowd cheering.)
> and suddenly the trio >was broken up into individuals, lost in the crowd of well wishers and people clammering >for their attention. Wedge pulled Luke aside
>"Well you've hit the big time now, Luke.
JOEL (Wedge): "Corvette Summer." Wow, good job Luke.
> Looks like you won't be seeing Tatooine for a >while, hey!" "Thank the stars," Luke answered.
CROW (George Baily): Don't mention it.
>"Though I wouldn't mind heading back and shooting Womp rats in that X Wing. '
>Laughing, they headed off to find some drinks.
TOM (sarcastically): Oh , what a great use of military hardware. Why
don't you go hunt deer with a B-2 bomber while you're at it.
>Han and Chewie were inundated with blackslaps,
CROW: Oooh! The six-million dollar word there.
> congratulations and kisses from people >they had never laid eyes on before
JOEL: And being hit up for loans, as well.
> and felt a little overwhelmed. Han caught Chewies >eye. "Quick,
TOM (Han): Where's my copy of "Final Exit"?
> lets make a run for it.
JOEL: There has got to be a Taco Bell around here somewhere.
> Find the bar for Kest sake!"
>Making their way to the bar Han kept an eye out for Leia. He could see her speaking to a >large group of wrinkled old senators.
CROW (Leia): Please to meet you, Senator Packwood.
>'I can handle that, for now' Han thought. Remembering the way Leia had gazed at Luke.
>"Looks like I'm really gonna hav' ta turn on the old 'Solo Serenade' tonight' he thought >wryly.
ALL: (Laughing.)
JOEL: That's about as sexy as Trent Reznor.
TOM: Somehow I get the feeling that the characters all wrong.
>Chewie turned from the bar with a large Corellian Ale and a special Kashyyyk brew that >had been imported in Chewbaccas' honour especially for tonight's celebration.
JOEL: And for you, Chewie, a fuzzy navel.
TOM: Yes, but what did he have to drink?
ALL: (Chuckling.)
>Han winced ' Don't have to many of those Chewie' I intend to take home a Princess >tonight, not drag home a Wookiee"
TOM: I think you have a better chance with the Wookie, Han.
> Chewie roared and waved his hand dismissively.
JOEL: They're talking philosophy.
CROW (Chewie): No, "everyman" is a philosophical construct. You should
so act that the rule by which you are acting could be everyone's rule.
Haven't you ever heard of the categorical imperative?
TOM: Thank you, Immanuel Kant.
>"What do you mean you can look after yourself. The last time you drank that stuff you >were out to it for days and I had to fly the Falcon from Kashyyyk to Tatooine by myself.
JOEL (Han): And the 8-track was busted, too.
>The repulsor lifts still haven't got over that rough landing." Chewie bared his teeth and >sculled his glass.
>"It's gonna be a big night ' Han thought
TOM: The Vikings are going to kick some butt.
> as he watched Chewie make his way back to the >bar.
>The Rebellion thought they'd crushed the Empire. Well wait till they got a load of a >drunken Wookiee.
CROW: Wait until the find what he left behind the couch.
>Sitting back in his chair at a quiet table he'd selectively picked; Han searched out his prey.
JOEL: Coming soon to ABC.
>She was now talking to a few of the pilots that had been in the victorious battle. 'As long >as they keep their distance.' He thought possessively.
TOM: Grrrrr.
>
>Chewie returned with three full glasses,
CROW: Here're your Pepto Bismal shooters.
>one was another Ale for Han. 'Now don't go throwin' any tables around tonight, >Chewie. I want to make a good impression on Her Royalness, don't forget"
JOEL: So none of your Jew jokes.
>Chewie laughed uproariously and slapped Hans' back, drinking his second drink slowly.
>"Thankyou " Han remarked dryly
>"Roooaagh, arrgh. Ooogh Uurgh'.
TOM: Hey, right back at you pal!
>"Yeah, I really do like her, Chewie.
CROW: In a sexual predator kind of way.
> She's somethin' else, alright A little fiesty but I like >'em that way Keeps things excitin' , You know"
TOM (sleezy Han): Especially when they're kicking and screaming and
telling you to let her up...
JOEL: Guys! Guys! Han Solo is nothing like that at all!
TOM: Well, not to hear Pam tell it.
CROW: She makes him sound like Warren Beatty.
> Chewie nodded. He wished Malla and >Lumpy had been there for the Formal Celebration.
JOEL: Oh no. She's seen the Christmas Special.
BOTS: (Retching.)
> They would have been so proud.
>"We'll go by Kashyyyk on our way to Tatooine, Pal ' Han said reading Chewies >suddenly quiet face.
TOM (Chewie): God no! Then I'd have to see my wife.
>Han and Chewie looked intensely at each other for a moment, both thinking about how >mad Jabba would actually be.
JOEL: When did Jabba enter this story?
TOM: Continunity, please.
>Now that they had the credits Han felt a little better about his return to see the crimelord. >"Here's to a new twist in our already twisted lives, Hey Pal"
CROW: In your spine, hopefully.
>Han and Chewie raised they're glasses and had their own little celebration.
ALL (singing): So strike up your glasses, filled with brandy and wine...
>Luke was beginning to feel a little dizzy,
JOEL: I warned you about that peach schnapps.
> he had never drunk alcohol before and he was >being pulled and prodded this way and that.
TOM: It's initiation night into the Alliance, and Luke is being hazed.
>Every time someone patted him on the back he felt like he was going to throw up.
CROW: Oh, it's George Bush.
>He had noticed Han and Chewbacca sitting a table in an out of the way alcove. Avoiding >the Crowd and enjoying themselves,
ALL (singing): Playing solitare 'til dawn with a deck of fifty-one...
> laughing hysterically at people in the crowd and >making fun of some of the more sophisticated and well to do people in attendance.
JOEL (Beavis): Heh heh, these guys suck!
TOM (Butthead): Huh huh, yeah.
>Luke laughed to himself at their antics. It was so like Han, to be so disrespectful. Luke >wished he could be just a little like Han. So confident.
CROW: So asinine.
>Then maybe he would have the guts to ask Leia for a dance.
JOEL: It's intoxication Luke. Otherwise known as liquid courage.
>He searched for her in the crowd and found her a short distance away just about to finish >a conversation with one of the Regal Heirachy .
TOM: Michael Jordan and Grant Hill.
>As she turned away, she caught Luke's eye and quickly made her way over. Avoiding >eye contact with anyone else, so not to have her attention diverted. " Luke, I've been >wanting to speak to you all night"
CROW (Leia): Would you be interested in time sharing a condo with me?
>She had? "Oh" was all Luke could manage. "Are you enjoying yourself.?" she asked >gazing at him.
>"Yeah, this is great," Luke said. Just at that moment the band started to play.
JOEL: And Pat Boon started singing "Enter Sandman."
>"Now the fun really
>begins" Leia exclaimed as she took Luke arm and they headed for the dance floor where >dozens of couples were now entwined.
TOM (woman): Let me go.
CROW (man): I can't. Somebody put superglue all over my hands.
>
>As they gracefully made their way around the dance floor.
ALL: (Making bumping and crashing noises. Crow makes a noise like a cat
being stepped on.)
>Others on the dance floor stared enviously at them. "You dance beautifully " Luke >breathed into Leia's ear.
CROW (Luke): Do you do lap dances, too?
>" So do you; fine Sir "
TOM: Charles Barkley.
> Leia giggled back. She too had, had a few too many drinks to her >inexperienced lips.
JOEL: With the the eye creatures.
>They danced for what seemed like eternity, blissfully unaware of what was around them. >No - one else dared step in.
CROW: Uh, your Highness, the building is on fire.
TOM (Leia): Shut up!
>************
JOEL: Um, snowflakes?
TOM: Maybe we should just call it quits on that.
>"So Anyways,
JOEL (Han): When my unit entered Berlin, I tell ya' those German
frauleins were just begging me to "liberate" them...
> just as we were about to get outta there, the hyperdrive packs up. Chewie >pulls out the motivator he'd swiped from Fett's ship,"
CROW (Han): And then, like, the two of us, we like think, "what the hell
is a motivator?"
And then, anyway...
> Han raised his eyebrows >innocently and gestured broadly "It's not my fault he'd left it unlocked while I was >sucking him dry at the sabacc table. Anyway,
TOM: I think by now he's talking to himself.
>Chewie races off and fixed it so quick I hardly had time to set the
Navcomputer and just >as Fett comes up on us, Lasers blazing.
JOEL: Teeth gnashing.
CROW: Hair frizzing.
TOM: Toenails curling.
> I flip him the bird through the holovid and make >the jump. Boy, was he pissed. You should have seen his face."
TOM: Zzzz.... Huh, wha?
CROW: Sorry, I was thinking about squirrels.
JOEL (Han): Oh, no. Are they after me again?
>Wedge, Chewie and Han were laughing hysterically by this time
CROW (Wedge): Heh heh, just humor the burned out lush.
> and didn't notice the >scene on the dance floor.
TOM: Leia was stripping to the song "Pink."
> It didn't matter that the story was slightly stretched everyone >knows it takes more than a few minutes to fix a motivator.
JOEL: Well, duh.
>They were all in good spirits and were feeling the effects of the alcohol.
CROW: A strange appriciation for Yanni music swept over them.
> Wedge had >decided to try the Kashyyyk brew and was now good and drunk with his arm slung over >Chewies shoulder, who was also feeling no pain.
TOM: That's good considering by now Chewie had ripped his arm off.
> Han however had been taking it easier >and was coming out of his laughing stupor. Pausing,
JOEL: Trying to remember who he was.
> his glass in mid air , he was now >staring intently at the couple on the dancefloor. Jumping up from his seat
CROW: Damn whoopie cushion.
> and >smoothing his shirt he strode over to Luke and Leia. Wedge and Chewie who had both >ust taken swigs of their drinks suddenly turned and gaped at Han.
JOEL (Wedge): Han, you jerk! What's the idea of slipping a spitoon into
our drinks?
> Realizing what he was >about to do, both spat out their mouthfuls of brew as new waves of hysteria washed over >them.
TOM (Wedge): He's going to strike out.
>************
>
>Leia who was dancing on clouds
CROW: With George Hamilton.
> at the time didn't even know what happened until it was >too late.
JOEL: The VCs had led them into a trap!
> One moment her head was resting on Luke's shoulder the next her eyes were >locked into the most incredible hazel eyes she had ever seen. So mesmerized was Leia >that she
TOM: Gave him the PIN number to her ATM card?
CROW: Made a donation to a TV evangelist?
JOEL: Dived into the shallow end of the pool head first?
>could not speak. Could not ask the Correllian what he thought he was doing.
CROW (Han): I'm seducing you, duh.
> Didn't even >care too know where Luke now was.
>She was being swept along by Han.
TOM: I believe that Han Solo is modeled after Joey Butafucco.
JOEL: Tom...
TOM: No really. I mean, she can't be more than sixteen or seventeen,
max.
> As if she were one with him.
JOEL: Just like in "The Fly."
> As if they were >gliding on ice.
CROW: AHHHHH!
TOM: (Crashing noises.)
JOEL: The Star Wars theme to the Icecapades was a dismal bomb.
> Never had she felt so alive, excited and utterly feminine as Han now made >her feel. Why hadn' t she noticed him this way before.
CROW: Well, you've only known him for about a day now.
> She could feel his muscular back >under his shirt.
TOM: And through his chest as she pierces his heart with he second,
extendible jaw.
CROW: But she's not an alien.
>His muscular arms around her. His warm breath on her face.
ALL: (Noises of disgust. Joel is waving his hand by his nose.)
CROW: Hey, lay off the garlic and onion pizza!
TOM: Really.
> She could feel his heart >racing against her chest and suddenly realized her heart was keeping up with his.
JOEL: His conscience was running a distant second, unfortunately.
>The electricity between them, thick in the air.
TOM: Killing everyone within thirty feet.
> By this time the whole Celebration had >come to a standstill, enchanted by what was happening before them.
CROW: Someone turned on "South Park."
> Neither Han nor Leia >spoke a word. No words were needed.
JOEL: Ah, the silent language of lust.
TOM (Leia): Is that a blaster in your pocket, or are you just happy to
see me?
> Their eyes spoke everything that needed to be said >and as the music died and Leia realized that everyone had stopped and was watching them >she gasped and pulled away, running from the room.
CROW: So, in order to avoid further embarrassment, she makes a complete
dork out of herself? I'm sensing a paradox here.
> Turning back as she reached the >door , her eyes met no-ones but Hans' who was gazing awestruck at her,
JOEL (Han): You've got something stuck between your teeth, your
Highness.
> an undeniable >look, that Leias' now suddenly experienced heart interpreted correctly.
TOM (Leia): Too much homocysteine.
> She knew what >those eyes were telling her
JOEL: Get me a beer.
> and now every body in that room knew too. Leia turned her >blushing face away and ran out of the Hall completely. Her mind in turmoil and Luke all >but forgotten.
CROW: Well, looks like Luke will be waxing the dolphin tonight.
>
>***************
ALL (singing): Follow the asterisk trail. Follow the asterisk trail.
>
>Han stood in the middle of the dance floor as if in a trance, couples now gliding around >him. Wedge's drunken War Cry and Wolf whoops breaking the spell.
TOM: Hey Wedge, give it up. They cancelled the Arsino Hall show.
> "What in Kessels >Hell, just happened? was all that Hans' completely bewildered mind could come up with. >"Way ta Go,Sscholo!"
CROW (Wedge, drunk): This fake ID you made is great. *hick*
> Wedge slurred as Han made his way back to the table. He found
>Luke in his seat asleep on the table. "What happened to him?" Han asked Chewie.
JOEL: Ny-Quil.
>Chewie pointed to the two empty glasses of Kashyyyk brew standing
just near Lukes >dozing head. "Oh " said Han.
TOM (Han): He died of alcohol poisoning. That's too bad.
>"Well, come on Chewie lets get these losers back to their quarters."
CROW (Wedge): Hey, I'm not the one who scares women out of the room!
>"I don't need any help," Wedge blurted out and on that note General Wedge Antilles, >Commander of Rogue Squadron passed out on the floor.
JOEL: Ah, the golden age of public intoxication.
>
>****************
>
>
>After making sure everybody was safely tucked away
TOM: And read them all a bedtime story.
> Han decided to take a walk in the >night air. Hoping to clear his head a little. Trying to understand what had come over him >in the Hall and how he would now handle the situation.
CROW: Go back to your room with some hand lotion and...
JOEL: Young man, I will shoot your copies of the Picardian out the
airlock if you don't stop right there.
> He thought about Luke, Chewie >and Jabba but mostly he thought of Leia. He had promised himself years ago
TOM: Han's a Promise Keeper.
CROW: Wuss.
> he would >never fall for another. How could he resist her. She was all he had ever dreamed of,
JOEL: She had a pulse and everything. Only the slight problem though of
being so repelled by him that she runs screaming out the nearest exit.
> and >more. So beautiful,
TOM: So fruitolicious.
> she reminded him of a special girl from his past. Someone who had >helped get him where he was today. Someone he'd loved and had only now been >reminded of her, so many years later.
CROW: Mother?
JOEL: Han Solo is Oedipus.
> He wanted Leia, physically and emotionally.
TOM (Han): Would you wear that costume from Jabba palace for me please.
> Kest, >How he wanted her. He wanted to show her love that she had never experienced, but he >knew he never could or should.
CROW: I say never could.
TOM: I say never should.
> It wasn't meant to be. She was a Princess, well educated >and sophisticated. He was a Pirate, a smuggler, a low life in her eyes.
JOEL: And that guy down the hall was a baker, who had nothing to do with
this whatsoever.
> She was suited >more to someone like Luke, a Jedi Knight.
CROW: Only by default. I can't stress this enough.
> Luke could give her the stability she would >need. Han decided he would leave for Tatooine that morning. He would not see Leia >again.
TOM: Oh, please!
>
>**********************
>
>Leia too had taken a walk in an effort to clear her head. She was so confused.
JOEL: The appeal of digital pets left her puzzled.
> What had >happened in that Hall.
TOM: The Kids in the Hall?
CROW: Easy. You made a fool out of yourself.
> Why had Han done what he did. Surely Han didn't feel that way >about her. He was always picking a fight with her.
TOM: But lately they've been getting really dirty. During one fight he
bit her ear.
> Aggravating her seemed to be his >own private mission. What did he want with her.
CROW: He wanted question marks, and lots of them.
> Surely he had someone waiting for >him.... Somewhere!
JOEL: His name is Bubba and he's waiting for him in a state
penitentiary.
> After all he was handsome, unbelievably so, at times. But he just >wasn't the sort of guy Leia wanted. Her idea of the perfect mate was.....Luke?
TOM: Wrong answer!
> "Luke ! " >Leia suddenly remembered Luke. What had he thought of all this.
CROW: He just realized that it was wrong to chase after your own sister.
> What had Han done >to him.
JOEL: Fitted him with some concrete shoes and taught him how to swim.
>One moment they were dancing together, the next...."Oh no I'm not going over that >again" Leia chastised herself. But for some reason now her feelings for Luke was >different,
CROW: The laws of Moses began to kick in for Leia at that moment.
> as though while they were dancing their minds had interlocked and sorted out >exactly where they stood.
TOM: Oh, about 5'8".
> It was like they were kindred spirits...or something.
CROW (valley girl): Like, guy...
> Leia >wasn't sure. She didn't really understand it completely, she just knew. Even with that >realisation, it didn't sort out the situation with Han. Leia had reached her quarters by this >time.
JOEL (Lloyd Bridges): And by this time my lungs were aching for air.
>********************************
>
>Chapter 2
JOEL: Go ahead and say it guys.
BOTS: Electric Boogaloo!
CROW: Thanks, Joel.
>
>Leia had woken up that morning to the sound of her commlink beeping urgently in her >ear.
TOM: The Hudson's Three Day Sale had begun.
> Her head throbbed and she now wished she had never answered it and rolled over >and gone to sleep for a week.
>Admiral Ackbar had asked her to come quickly to the War Room.
JOEL: And bring the Russian ambassador with you.
>We have received word that Imperial Loyalists have gathered and are planning a revenge >attack on the Alliance.
CROW (Ackbar): They plan to make us watch "The Postman."
>Admiral Ackbar told his rather hung over looking audience. Apparently they have >arranged a rendezvous at Orav II.
JOEL: But it's a secret rendezvous because your hot blooded. Can't you
see?
> Leia , I want you to go with Luke Skywalker and Han >Solo on an under cover mission to gather intelligence.
TOM (sarcastically): Oh, *no one* is going to recognize them.
CROW: Why don't you just send the cast of "Party of Five" undercover.
> We want to know exactly who is >in on this. The three of you shall pose as smugglers.
JOEL: So, here are your Playboys.
> Which shouldn't be too hard >considering Solo's experience in the matter. Could you please try and locate the two of >them and we will discuss plans further.
>"But Admiral.." Leia started.
TOM (Leia): I haven't had my coffee yet.
>"Now Leia, we don't have time to waste, things are just beginning for the Alliance and if >we don't hurry our victory will be very short lived." He said.
CROW (Ackbar): And then there won't be any more sequels.
TOM: It's a series!
>The look on his face told Leia he would not listen to her argument.
>
>So that was what Leia was now doing.
JOEL: As well as stirring the sauce and watching the helicopter.
> She had found Luke, in his quarters. As he >answered the door Leia felt guilty for waking him. "You look, how I feel." Leia had told >him.
JOEL: Zap!
>"Huh...Wha.. Oooh Yeah
TOM (Luke): How was I last night?
>Hang on Leia." Luke managed as he ran to the fresher unit.
CROW: He bathed in Mentos?
> Leia could hear him throwing >up and tried not to listen. She felt like doing the same. He returned looking worse. >"Look, I'm sorry Luke but I've just received orders from Admiral Ackbar. Han, You and >myself are being sent on an undercover mission to Ord Mantell.
JOEL (Luke): We're going to get under a cover and mine ores from the
mantel, wha...?
>"What" exclaimed Luke " Right Now!"
>"Yes, I'm afraid so."
>"Well I 'spose I better get used to this,
TOM: What, throwing up?
> I'll take a shower and meet you at the War >Room"
>"I'll see you then"
>"Leia ?"
>"Yes, Luke."
CROW (Luke): Can I have a Pop Tart?
>"Don't worry it's nothing, I'll see you at the War Room."
>"O.K"
>Leia left in search of the last person she wanted to see right now.
JOEL: Her dentist.
>
>*************************
>
>Han Solo had slept in. It was 11.00 hours and he should have been half way to Tatooine >by now.
>He had fallen asleep in his cabin aboard the Falcon. He had a thumping headache and he >felt terrible.
CROW: And it has Excederin written all over it.
>Hang on that wasn't his head thumping. That was a hydra drill.
TOM: Going into his head.
JOEL: What's a hydra drill?
CROW: I don't know, but I think it must have seven or eight heads to it.
>"Oh no,....! Chewie! Han bellowed pulling on his pants he ran down the boarding ramp >with one boot on and the other in his hand.
JOEL: That's not how you wear them, Han.
>"Chewie, I was only kiddin' last night 'bout the repulsor lifts." Han yelled at the >Wookiee. Who was now looking quite alarmed to see Han in such a state.
>"AAAAgrhhh! UUUUUUUUrrgghh, Oooaaargh!!" came Chewies annoyed reply.
CROW: Hey, don't you ever say that about my mother again!
JOEL: What did he say?
CROW: I can't repeat it.
>"Yeah, well I slept in. We were supposed to be half way to Tatooine by now." Han >sulked.Now Chewie was confused.
TOM: Join the club.
>"Well I had a change of plan didn't I, Pal." Han explained pulling on his other boot.
JOEL (Han): I decided not to get the sex change operation, okay!
>"It's going to take hours to fix this now"
>Chewie had already changed one of the lifts and that meant they should ideally replace >them all if the ship would land and take-off safely again.
CROW: I'm sure you're within FAA standards.
>"How did you manage to get up so early, and get anything done after last night, >anyhow?"
>"Aerrruuugh, Ruhh uhh Errnngh!" said Chewie
TOM: Will, you quit the swearing!
>"Whatta ya mean I better get back to my cabin." Han argued now looking over his >shoulders to see what Chewbacca was looking at
>Leia was walking into the hanger and she looked like she was in one of those moods.
JOEL: She was in the mood for cookies.
>Quickly Han raced up the ramp. "Tell her you haven't seen me .O.K"
>
>Leia strode purposefully up to Chewbacca.
CROW (Chewie): He told me to tell you that I haven't seen him.
>"Good morning " she said to the inquisitive face of the Wookie.
>
>"Where is Captain Solo, this morning ?"
JOEL (Chewie): He's having brunch with Darth Vader and Bill Clinton.
How the hell
should I know!
>Chewbacca shrugged and roared that he did not know . For Hans benefit. But his eyes >moved toward The Falcons' boarding ramp. Leia smiled conspiritually at Chewie.
TOM: She's got Oliver Stone eyes.
>"Oh, well if you see him could you tell him Admiral Ackbar wants to see him" she told >Chewbacca loudly, silently making her way towards the ramp. Chewbacca growled the >affirmative
CROW: Action.
> and went back to work.
>
>As Leia stole up the ramp she nearly walked smack bang into Han who was leaning on a >bulkhead
>listening in on the whole conversation.
JOEL (Han): Does she like me? Does she like me?
>"Well Princess, I just knew ya' couldn't keep ya hands off me for long" Han announced, >cockily.
>Leia momentarily flustered tried to come up with something quickly.
TOM: Like a .45 slug.
>"It has nothing to do with me, Admiral Ackbar sent me to find you"
>
>"Ah, so even old Acky knows a good thing when he see's it, Huh Princess.
ALL: "Old Acky"?
> Will he >being giving you away at our wedding"
>
>"Why you arrogant, half-witted, hyper freaked fool."
CROW (singing): He's a hyper freak, hyper freak acting hyper freaky.
>"Hey! Who's half-witted." Han snarled at her.
JOEL: Mike Kennedy?
>Leia shook her head and rolled her eyes
>
>"Just meet us at the War Room in 15 minutes."
TOM (Leia, sultry): And don't wear anything too, complicated...
>"Why should I , I'm outta here lady, as soon as we finish the repulsor lifts on this >baby. Zoom I'm gone."
CROW: Han comes with his own Batman sound effects.
>"But you can't go. We need you, Han."
>
>"So, that doesn't change the fact that's there's a price on my head."
>
>"But the Empire's already starting to reform, we need all the help we can get."
JOEL: And we're down to you.
>"Yeah, Well tough. I can't stay babe, I got places I got to be,"
>
>"Please Han."
>
>"Ooh, I like that. Say it again and I might "
TOM: Oh, give it up you creep!
>"Please Han, this is really important. If this mission doesn't succeed we may well be back >where we started."
CROW: KTMA?
>"I just love it when you beg me to do somethin'. I 'spose Jabba can wait a few more >weeks."
>
>"Thankyou, Han. "
JOEL (Leia): Thankyouveryverymuch Han.
TOM: Switch to decaf, Leia.
>"Yeah, well you can thank me later, in my cabin."
CROW (Han): I need to hang up some wallpaper.
>Leia's mouth dropped, then was quickly replaced with a scowl as she spun around and >quickly marched out of the hanger.
>
>Han watched her leave, grinning broadly to himself.
JOEL: You're not doing that much to endear yourself to her, Han.
> How could he leave her if she really >needed him that badly.
>
>"There's been another change of plans, Chewie.
CROW (Han): The red teddy is definitely going on tonight!
> I'm just going to go up to the War Room >to find out what the hells goin' on. If I work this right I might be able to even get a few >extra hands on deck to help finish the Falcon."
TOM (Chewie): And snag some bear claws while you're there.
>Chewie looked at Han and growled disapprovingly.
>
>"Yeah, Well it won't take that long, Jabba's waited this long. I know, I know, he isn't >gonna be happy but is he ever happy.
>
>*******************************
CROW: Four years later...
>As Han swaggered into the War Room , all eyes turned toward him.
JOEL: Psst, Han, XYZ.
>"What?" he splaying his arms in a broad gesture, palms held open.
TOM (Han): Is my stigmata acting up again?
>"So, glad you could join us, Captain Solo."
>
>"Yeah, well you know just doin' my bit..."
>
>"Well, Let's start shall we." interrupted Admiral Ackbar.
CROW: This story? Yes, please.
>The Admiral hurriedly filled Luke and Han in on what he had already explained to Leia.
JOEL (Ackbar): And so, you need to pre-heat the oven to 350° F before..
oh wait, wrong speech.
>"So, do think it can be done, General Solo." The Mon Calamarian asked.
>
>"Well, I 'spose we can try, it'll depend how far word has got around that I'm helpin' you >guys out.
TOM: Convention Com Trekkers and hunting you down, right now.
> Though I can't see any real reason why too many people would know about it."
CROW: What, that you just destroyed the Empire's most powerful war
engine? Naw, no one will know that.
>"Yes, well we have kept all details away from the media of your promotions. So that >should keep it out of the mainstream"
JOEL: I didn't know CNN was around back then.
>"Yeah, well the kind of people who would care to know of my movements at the moment >aren't exactly mainstream"
>
>"That's true, Captain Solo. We could supply you with another ship ."
>
>"Oh No, I ain't goin' nowhere without the Falcon. If there's trouble I'll know she'll get >me out of it."
TOM (Han): And my trust Triple A card.
>"But Han" Leia interrupted " She isn't ready to fly."
>
>"Then you'll just have to help me get her ready then, won't you Princess."
>
>Leia opened her mouth to give a vicious reply.
>"Enough, I won't have you two start bickering in here. Admiral Ackbar chastised
>
>'Funny' thought Han ' bein' the War Room n 'all'
CROW: Oooh, Pam just pulled a Dr. Strangelove on us.
>"Captain Solo, I will provide you with a repair crew that will have the Falcon ready for >departure in 2 hours.
JOEL (Ackbar): But they,re with the UAW so they need three coffee
breaks.
>We will also provide new ID's and codes. You may disguise yourselves as General Solo >see's fit.
TOM: The loophole that Han has been searching for.
>"Thankyou , Admiral " Han said, now on his best behaviour
>
>"Can we take the droids ?" Luke asked
CROW: Why don't you just take a kender while you're at it.
>"I'm afraid not, they will be too conspicuous" explained Ackbar
>
>"Yeah, not to many smugglers, enjoy havin' droids hangin' around" injected Han
>
>"But Artoo always helps out if theres a problem with the Falcon"
>
>"Captain Solo, what do you think"
JOEL: Reboot, reboot.
>"Well he has a point, as long as they stay on board when we reach Orav II they shouldn't >cause too much trouble. They may even come in handy."
TOM (Han): Remeber that tactic the Romulans used in "Balance of Terror"?
CROW (C3PO: Oh my...
>"Luke and Leia, you will be ready to depart then?"
>
>"Yes, sir. " they answered in unison.
>
>"Very well, May the Force be with you."
JOEL: Well, the Dark Side has plauged us enough for today. Let's get
outta here.
TOM: Wait, you mean it's over?
CROW: Talk about coming to a screeching halt.
TOM: I have the strangest feeling of relief and being cheated, all at
once.
JOEL: Well, I'm sure you guys will figure it out.
(They rise and exit the theater.)
0...2...3...4...5...6...*
(<SoL> Crow and Joel are off to the right respectively, while the left
side is empty. Soft dancing music is playing in the background. Crow
is dressed like Han Solo while Joel is wearing fake dog ears, a
gorrila's chest and a dog collar. Crow is smoking a cigar and both have
a glass of something alcoholic.)
CROW (Han): ...and so then, when the B-22 came crusing through
Dresden, I saw that bastard Boba Fett with the VC and I just let him
have it. Hey, is it my fault he doesn't know how to handle
anti-aircraft guns properly?
JOEL (Chewie): Arrrrggg Ooogggg Snaaarlll.
CROW: Yeah, I knew I could talk to you about that. Even though I have
not a clue in hell what you just said. But, hey, enough about my
WWII experience. What ever happened to the lucious Leai?
Heh-heh. You know, I've know a lot of ladies in this life, but I
tell she does something for me that the others haven't. Maybe it
because I've never seduced a virgin before. But hey, there's always a
first, right.
(Crow elbows Joel, and Joel gives a slight growl and rolls his eyes.)
CROW: So, where is the little princess so that I may... Oh, mama!
(Off to the left, Tom and Gypsy enter the room dancing close to each
other. Tom is dressed like Luke Skywalker and Gypsy has got the
trademark Leia buns on her head.)
TOM (Luke): You dance quite finely for someone with two left feet, my
lady.
GYPSY (southern accent): Why thank you, good sir. *giggle*
(They dance off stage.)
CROW: Why that lttle worm! What's he got that I don't.
JOEL: (Breaking character) Ah, taste and charm?
CROW: Ah, no matter. Looks like I'll have to use my good old Solo Yodel
and win her
heart. Just let me check my Trojan here.. all set! Now, watch the
master at work.
JOEL: Grooowlll.
(Crow strolls on over to the left, where Tom and Gypsy have reentered,
still dancing. All of a sudden, Crow yanks her away from Tom and starts
dirty dancing with her.)
GYPSY: Ahhhh!
(Gypsy sprays mace into Crows eyes. He's screaming in pain.)
TOM: You bastard!
(Tom jumps in and starts beating him up.)
CROW: Chewie, Chewie, help me!
JOEL: (Removing his costume.) Sorry Crow, but you took on the character
so well that I'm rather enjoying you getting your dues.
(Mad light flashes.)
JOEL: Whadda' think, sirs?
(<Deep 13> A pan away from Frank sweat streaked, laughing face. We see
that he is shirtless and tied to a chair while Gerry is tickling him
with a large palm leaf. Dr. Forrester is standing away from him with a
camcorder, filming Frank's torture.)
DR. F: Hmmm... Oh, booby. Sorry. I wasn't paying attention. I've been
busy with Frank here. He's finally earning his wages. (To Frank.)
Still okay, Frank?
FRANK (laughing): Please Dr. F! *laugh* Stop it! I can't handle much
more! *laugh*
DR. F: Oh, nonsense Frank. You've still got two more hours to go. (To
Joel.) Well, booby, until next time, keep circulating those tapes.
Frank, push the button... Oh, yeah.
(Still recording Frank, he edges his way to the control panel and pushes
the button.)
WOOSH!
(In the blackness, one can still here Frank laughing.)
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 1997 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for
entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights
or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be
inferred.
"Looks like I'm really gonna hav' ta turn on the old 'Solo Serenade'
tonight' he thought wryly.