MSTed: 3A DATA ANNOUNCES FIRST ELECTRONIC BOOK
Petrea E. Mitchell
first solo MSTing. Was this a mistake?
==========================================================================
> From cmcl2!panix!zip.eecs.umich.edu!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!caen!msunews!
> netnews.upenn.edu!dsinc!ub!csn!
MIKE: Sounds like the path is having an allergy attack.
> decwrl!pagesat.net!news.cerf.net!nic.cerf.net!not-for-mail Wed Dec 7
> 16:35:31 1994
> Path: cmcl2!panix!zip.eecs.umich.edu!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!caen!msunews!
> netnews.upenn.edu!dsinc!ub!csn!decwrl!pagesat.net!news.cerf.net!
> nic.cerf.net!not-for-mail
SERVO: "not-for-mail"? What kind of a username is that?
> From: pete...@CERF.NET (Scott Peterson)
> Newsgroups: alt.current-events.net-abuse
> Subject: BOOK> 3A DATA ANNOUNCES FIRST ELECTRONIC BOOK: (fwd)
CROW: For the last time, it's a group *about* net.abuse, not *for* it!
> Date: 7 Dec 1994 10:55:26 -0800
> Organization: CERFnet Dial n' CERF Customer
MIKE: See that? See that? We got a cool pun on our own name in the
Organization: header.
[All laugh stupidly.]
> Lines: 209
> Distribution: world
> Message-ID: <3c50eu$1...@nic.cerf.net>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: nic.cerf.net
> X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
>
> [ Article crossposted from comp.internet.net-happenings ]
> [ Author was Gleason Sackman ]
> [ Posted on 7 Dec 1994 06:08:41 -0800 ]
>
> ---------- Forwarded message ----------
> Date: Sun, 4 Dec 94 19:20:35 PST
> SENDER:st...@pssi.com
SERVO: I wonder if he wears Stussy.
CROW: I bet he's wearing a poopie suit!
MIKE: Huh-- Crow!!
[Crow sniggers.]
> Subject: New Release
>
> =====================================================
>
> FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CROW: So this is a release of some sort?
SERVO: Um... I'm not sure.
>
> December 4, 1994
>
> CONTACT: Stu Sjouwerman
> 3A Data
MIKE: How long before Paramount sues them for that, do you think?
> (813)-586-6363
> st...@pssi.com
>
>
>
> 3A DATA ANNOUNCES FIRST ELECTRONIC BOOK:
> 'HOW TO MAKE MONEY ON THE INTERNET... THE RIGHT WAY'
> VIA FIRST VIRTUAL MERCHANT BANK.
>
> The First Electronic Book on the Internet, written in the internet
> language of the future, HyperText Markup Language.
SERVO: <snort> <giggle>
CROW: Uh, right.
>
> Clearwater, FL -- 3A Data, a budding infopreneur
MIKE: "Infopreneur"? Who wrote this press release, Douglas Copeland?
> has
> released a unique new book that explains to Internet users
> how to use the Internet commercially, but how to stay within
> the 'netiquette', not get flamed and survive successfully.
SERVO: I'm parsing that as "not survive successfully". Somehow that
doesn't sound right.
>
> This new release is over 200 pages
CROW: Wait, they published a *printed* book in HTML?
> and goes into great
> detail what tools are available on the 'net to promote,
> advertise and deliver products and get paid for them.
>
> The intended public are small businesses and individuals
MIKE: Like Danny DeVito and Mickey Rooney.
> that are interested in selling (information) products on the
> 'net. One of the other unique features is that customers
> can actually inspect the book before they buy it.
SERVO: Wow, now there's something you can't do in bookstores-- huh?
> First
> Virtual allows to download the file, look at the book
> for a while, and then decide if the product is worth the
> price of US$ 9.95.
MIKE: Make sure you know the value of what you steal, that's what I always
say!
>
> The table of content of 'Make Money On The Internet...
> The Right Way' is as follows:
>
CROW: The table is bare.
> Introduction
> + You can do it Now!
MIKE: Right now! In the street!
> + What do you want?
SERVO: Who are you? How did you get into my house?
> ++ Internet Growth
> ++ What kinds of information can I sell?
> + Reports with valuable data
CROW: You can make a fortune from cracking any major MILNET site just once!
We'll show you how!
> + Shareware
> + Your own code
> + Other people's commercial programs
SERVO: Watch how the cash piles up when you don't have to pay those pesky
royalties!
> + Articles, Books, Poetry
> + Academic Research
> + Drawings, Maps, Plans, Blueprints
> + Video, Audio Clips, Music
CROW: Duck, Duck, Goose
> + TV Programming, Sound Recordings, News Footage
MIKE: Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe
> + Animation, Graphics files, Photo's
SERVO: Liberte, Equalite, Fraternite
> + Free information from Government Databases
> + An Old Time Golden Nugget: Newsletters!
> + And anything else that can be stored magnetically...
CROW: Like all those old notes stuck to your fridge.
> + What Not To Do.
SERVO: Don't get into a fight over whether to call Pepsi "pop" or "Coke".
CROW: Yeah, everyone knows you call it "swill".
MIKE: C'mon, guys, that wasn't funny to begin with.
> + 'Internet Culture and Netiquette'
> + Spamming
CROW: *Your* key to success!
> + Off Topic postings
> + 'Harvesting' email addresses
> + You will be sorry if you do it anyway...
MIKE: The saints will cry.
> + A counter-cultural example
> + What sells Online?
SERVO: Prodigy sells some of that, don't they?
> + Online Marketing
> + Marketing Defined as opposed to Public Relations
> + Marketing through Online Conferences
> + What Markets are there anyway, Local and International?
CROW: [British accent] Please segregate the sinful markets.
MIKE: [likewise] Wait! How many are there?
CROW: [again] Two.
MIKE: [ditto] It is not enough, I say! Go out and order some more!
> + You are an InfoMerchant (E-Publisher)
SERVO: (Dickweed)
> How to market your product?
> + Marketing Surveys
> + How and Where to Survey?
CROW: How to fix grammar!!
> + USENET
> + Internet Relay Chat
SERVO: [pitchman voice] Now, Frodo, before we start our game of Boogers,
I'd like you to have a look at this new product...
> + Newsletters
> + Internet Advertising
> + Advertising in the right market
> + Online Product Demo's
> + How Much Does It Cost?
> + The Classified Ads on the 'net and off the 'net
MIKE: Draped over your cat, and not draped over your cat.
CROW: Lining the birdcage, and not lining the birdcage.
SERVO: Folded into an attractive origami boat, and not folded into an at-
tractive origami boat.
> + The tools you have on the Internet
CROW: Are nonexistent.
> + Electronic Magazines on the 'net
> + Web Search Engines you can use
> + Cybersex
> + Internet Advertising Risks
MIKE: Remember, if you're going to advertise on the Internet, always use
proper precautions.
> + Examples of Winning Classified Ads
SERVO: "MAKE.MONEY.FAST" and others.
> + What really sells on-line?
> + How to do your research
> + Other people's successful actions
> + Internet's largest Classified Ad Market with 250,000 readers: MISC.FORSALE
> + How to Write a Headline that Attracts Attention
MIKE: To really get attention, be sure to mention at least two parts of
the body in your headline.
> + The Internet Killer App: Mosaic and how it will grow
> + Creating your own World Wide Web Home Page, and the cost of it
> + HyperText Markup Language HTML
> + Style Guides
SERVO: And thirty-one fun things you can do without reading them.
> + Other Introductory Documents
> + Additional References and WWW resources
> + Getting Your Orders in the Door
> + Via E-mail and emailing it back to your customer
CROW: An entire chapter on how to bounce mail?
> + Via First Virtual: Internet Information Clearinghouse
MIKE: You may have already won ten million virtual dollars!
> + Via DigiCash
> + Other Initiatives
> + Credit Card Payments
> + Setting the Price by Survey
> + The exact survey question
> + Selling a 100 for $24.95 or 100,000 for $ 9.95?
CROW: Oh, decisions, decisions...
> + Where to do a Pricing Survey?
MIKE: Somewhere fun, like alt.religion.kibology.
> + Your Legal Responsibilities
CROW: Whatever you do, it's all your sysop's fault, ha!
> + Create a Results Database
> + What sales data to track
> + Create Production Statistics and Graphs
MIKE: Take an economics course or something. Get a degree. Get a real job!
> + And Don't forget the BBSes!
SERVO: [scoldingly] Oh, no! You don't want to leave *them* out of your
reign of terror, do you?
> + How to put ads on BBS systems
CROW: Sneaking them in behind the sysop's back. It's fun!
> + BBSes that actively solicit your advertising
> + A very short manual on how to use your modem with BBS'es
SERVO: I'm guessing we're talking "short" as compared to the average Rob-
ert Jordan novel.
> + Repeat buyers cost even less to acquire!
> + What to do become a successful InfoMerchant and keep it that way?
> + Become a WWW expert
> + Keep your Web page attractive, change it regularly!
MIKE: Use lots of lip and tongue action!
> + Expand your activities with an e-zine
> + Set up an e-mailing List that your customers are on
CROW: Let the one time they indicated a vague interest haunt them forever!
> + Expand your activity with consulting for local companies that
> want to be on the 'net
> + Continuously survey for new products
> + Keep working on your PR and Promotion
> + Expand your viewpoint and continually try to play a bigger game
MIKE: Today foosball, tomorrow-- dwarf-tossing!
> + Make sure you are operating in an ethical way
SERVO: Sure, that's okay once you're established.
> + Work with the following Program For Success
> + Stay in touch with the 'net. Here is a link to over 1,000
> commercial sites!
CROW: Here is your own electronic death warrant to sign!
> + Jump on board NOW, in two years time this window of opportunity
> is gone.
> + If you did not pay for this copy...
SERVO: Then you've got what it takes to make a bundle on the infobahn.
Welcome to the club!
> + Internet InfoMerchant questions and answers
> + Glossary of Internet and World Wide Web related terms
>
>
> The First Virtual Internet Payment System is fully operational
MIKE: Almost two or three hours a week now!
> and provides the first link between the world of credit cards,
> banks, processing agents and the Internet, according to Lee Stein,
> president and chief executive officer. The merchant banking system
> uses existing technology to enable transactions to take place in an
> electronic marketplace where anyone in the world can now
> purchase or sell all kinds of electronic information, including text,
> images, audio, video, games or computer programs.
CROW: But the regulators should be able to fix all that.
> Information
> and directions for on-line registration are available over the Internet
> through both in...@fv.com and the World Wide Web, http://www.fv.com.
>
> 'First Virtual Holdings has created the launching pad for what we believe
> will become the world's largest and fastest
SERVO: Flop.
> growing cottage industry --
> the buying and selling of information on the Internet," according to
> Stu Sjouwerman, founder of 3A Data. Sjouwerman continues: 'We
> are the first InfoMerchant
MIKE: [snotty voice] We like to use the royal "We".
> to come out with an Electronic Book (E-Book)
> on First Virtual that fully covers the number 1 topic that interests most
> new Internet users:
CROW: Which way to the alt.sex groups?
> Commerce on the 'net, and how to do it without
> risks. In other words, how can I use my computer to generate a
> (second) significant revenue source'.
SERVO: Well, the hard drive makes an intriguing percussion instrument,
if you're interested in making an album.
>
> As a unique 'first', now through First Virtual, individuals, small
> businesses,
> multinational corporations and even the government can all take
> advantage of
CROW: You.
> this potential global market using their credit card via a
> completely safe, closed loop credit card payment system.
MIKE: Sure, it's just as safe as Clipper!
> 3A Data's
> new E-Book is the first book available through this new electronic store.
SERVO: For the first time.
>
> You can picture the First Virtual Infohaus
CROW: Aaaaah! Not if you're going to invent a word like *that* to de-
scribe it!
> as an electronic superstore, which
> can be accessed through e-mail, World Wide Web, including Mosaic, and FTP
> The First Virtual Infohaus holds information that InfoConsumers can browse
> and inspect.
>
> Information technology equipment and services are provided to FVH by
> Electronic Data Systems (EDS). EDS has operations in 35 countries
> and reported revenues of $8.6 billion in 1993.
SERVO: And because of the CEO's gambling habits, they still didn't turn
a profit!
> First USA Merchant
> Services, Inc., Dallas, will be the credit card processor for FVH. FVH
> plans to issue its own co-branded VISA card with several unique features,
MIKE: Have we said "unique" enough times for you yet, folks?
> including e-mail notification to confirm each completed transaction.
SERVO: Oh, great. Like my mailbox doesn't overflow quickly enough already.
CROW: That's what you get for using AOL.
SERVO: Hey!!
> First USA Merchant Services processed $17.3 billion in credit card sales
> during fiscal year 1994.
>
> Information and directions for on-line registration are available over
> the Internet
MIKE: And through the woods, to Grandmother's house we go.
> through both in...@fv.com and the World Wide Web, http://www.fv.com.
> Also more in depth information about the E-BOOK can be obtained by sending
> an email message to mo...@3adata.com. A Mailbot will answer immediately.
CROW: Well, that's not going to get you a lot of repeat customers-- oh, I
thought it said "Mailbomb".
>
> END.
SERVO: Yes! End! END!
>
>
> Warm Regards,
SERVO: <sniff> <sniff> You smell something burning?
MIKE: Yeah... kind of like sulphur... brimstone...
>
> Stu Sjouwerman
>
> 3A Data - PO BOX 1294, Clearwater, FL, 34617 Internet: s...@3adata.com
> -- = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
CROW: [laughs] What kind of InfoMerchant are you if you can't even forge
an auto-.sig correctly?
> = = = =
> 3A Data is a budding InfoMerchant offering reports and electronic books in
> the
> field of electronic marketing. We have just released a new e-book: Make Money
SERVO: Fast.
> On The 'NET...The Right Way. Send email to mo...@3adata.com for info & get
> an immediate mailbot response or check out the Infohaus at http://www.fv.com/
> = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
> = = = =
>
>
MIKE: Uh-huh?
>
>
CROW: Yes?
>
>
[Mike hums the Jeopardy "think music".]
>
>
SERVO: That's all. Let's get out of here.
==========================================================================
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations, merchandise,
and ninjas all copyright 1994 Best Brains, Inc. This MSTing not endorsed,
authorized, or supported by anybody. Not intended as a personal attack on
Stu Sjouwerman or 3A Data. This article may be freely distributed as long
as this paragraph remains intact.
--
/ <|> <|> <pr...@mvp.com> <pr...@gm.dev.com>
Petrea Mitchell ** GO NINERS ** <pem...@is.nyu.edu>
> You can picture the First Virtual Infohaus as an electronic superstore, which
> can be accessed through e-mail, World Wide Web, including Mosaic, and FTP
** Canter Siegel green cards spam ** Let's see 'em grep this, Sam-I-Am!
Clarinda Carrington
>From: pem...@acf3.nyu.edu (Petrea E. Mitchell)
>Subject: MSTed: 3A DATA ANNOUNCES FIRST ELECTRONIC BOOK
>Date: 8 Dec 1994 00:00:56 GMT
>Summary: First time on my own!
>Keywords: fnord
>Here's a little thing I found on a.c-e.n-a a couple hours ago. It's my
>first solo MSTing. Was this a mistake?
>==========================================================================
Definitely not!! Bravo! It's good for what ails ya!
Clarinda