MST3K: Beverly Hills 90210 Prom
Robert Everett Brunskill
don't annoy the original author, please! McElwaine rarely replied to
any messages about him, but who knows about other people? As I
mentioned once before, mistifying this a posting it kind of feels like
kicking a big-dewey-eyed puppy. But what can I say? I'm bitter. And
so I present to you:
MST3K: Beverly Hills 90210 Prom Synopsis
*** Turn of your computers, where aplicable ****
Rob Brunskill
(Input welcome)
"'We belong dead.'"
"You ARE depressed! I guess I should have lied and said you DIDN'T end
the world, eh?"
"I guess so."
- Lance Barnes, Post Nuke Dick
-------
<Fade in. Crow is at the computer, typing.>
Crow: Telnet, 13.1920.3.11. 'Please enter name:', Crow T. Robot.
'Sex:', Robot. 'Character type:', knight. 'Please enter a brief
description:', hmmmm. Crow T. Robot was assembled long ago, as a child
he was toughened up by various forms of 'torture and torment', for a
time he circled the world...
<Fade out.
Commercial.
Fade in. Crow still at terminal.>
Crow: ...spends most of his day conquering evil and insignificant
peasants in his gold plated armor.
<Tom enters.>
Tom: Hey Crow, what are you doing?
Crow: I'm MUDding.
Tom: Oh yeah, I heard about that. It's where you play a character in a
'virtual dungeon', and other people play other characters, and you fight
and stuff right?
Crow: Yeah.
Tom: Cool. Can I watch?
Crow: Sure. I just logged on. There should be an openning for me anytime now.
Tom: Okay.
<They sit there for about a minute, maybe two, nothing happens. The
Mad-light flashes (is there one? {Yes there is! Just saw it!}).>
Tom: Joel! The bad boys of science are calling!
Joel: Okay, I'm here. Hey, is that a MUD? You know I've checked out a
couple MUSEs and MUCKs, but I haven't tried a MUD yet...
Dr.F: Hello Joel, how are you?
Joel: Oh, fine I guess. I've just been recovering from that last
McElwaine post you sent us.
Dr.F: Well you're going to be much worse after today's experiment.
Crow: Not another McCloud? I thought he was kicked off the net.
Dr.F: That's McElwaine! And yes, his access is still revoked, but we
are working on getting him a new net feed. So. Do you have this week's
invention ready Joel?
<Joel's mouth drops open, and he smacks his forhead.>
Dr.F: Hmmm, maybe that McElwaine _was_ a little too strong. No matter.
Anything you would have made would pale in comparison to our invention
any ways. For we have chosen to strike at the very fun of the computer
networks - netgames! That's right, here at Gizmonics institute we're
working hard so that you have to. No more stealing time at the job to
play xgames, MUDs, MUSEs, and other various assorted net games. We're
starting a long term project to hack every possible version of every
possible netgame for the express purpose of cheating and ruining others'
fun. Our first product is 'MUDkiller'. It allows you to access all the
commands that would be available to you if you were actually at the MUD
site, plus a few more. Frank here is testing the latest version.
Frank, would you like to elaborate?
<Frank continues to type away at the board.>
Dr.F: Frank? Oh, forget it. Anyways, it's really evil and cruel of us,
and I think you get the picture.
Joel: I can't believe you'd want to ruin someone's little bit of harmless fun.
Dr.F: Well, that's what we're here for Joel! Now about this little
piece of harmful fun that we're sending you this week. We had to
streach a little, but we have definitely found a new cache of, well,
shall we say, 'less than the norm' writing. Maybe the ultimate irony is
that the post is trying to provide a meaningful synopsis of a dreadfully
lacking show. That's right Joel, prepare for the terror of a
'rebellious teen' character multiplied by, oh, say, six or seven.
Characters, by which, Wesley Crusher pales in comparison!
Prepare for the ultimate in short-sighted ultra-fantasy youth
entertainment gone WRONG! Prepare yourself for....
BEVERLY HILLS 90210!!!!!!
Joel: We're going to watch tv?
Dr.F: No, you're going to read a synopsis of one of the episodes.
Something about a prom and school board meeting. Beyond that I have no
idea. No one has any idea about it. Read it and weep. Your mail
reader will never be the same again...
Tom: I think I might prefer McElwaine.
Crow: Hey! I'm in! Okay, 'You step into the entrance of the dark cave.
As you look around a dark figure with white hair steps out and kills
you. You have died. We hope you have enjoyed your stay. Please come
again.' Hey!
<Lights flash.>
Joel: We've got message sign!
G...6...5...4...3...2...1...
lar...@saturn.sdsu.edu (Larry Riedel) writes:
Joel: Tough luck there Crow.
Crow: I will KILL him. I WILL kill him. I will kill HIM.
Tom: So it's a television synopsis we're checking out.
Joel: That's what he said.
Crow: What show?
Joel: Beverly Hills 90210.
Crow: AAAAAARRRRRRGH!
>
>Here is a summary of the 5/5 episode.
>
Joel: '5/5'? That's sort of an odd name for a TV show.
>
>SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!
>
Tom: Oh I doubt that.
>
>
>
Crow: A little square? That's it? A spoiler for that??? <That's how it
shows up in my reader.>
>
>Brenda:
>
> Brenda went to the prom with the big football player guy Tony
Tom: Oh, nope, you said his name wrong. That's Gui Tony, he's french/italian.
Crow: He's also a world famous fashion designer. He perfected the
shoulder pad concept in women's clothing.
> with
> the crew cut.
Joel: Oh I see, it was one of those things where they didn't let a full
camera crew film.
Crow: Why would they do that?
Tom: For the cameramen's safety?
> They went together,
Tom: Wouldn't be much of a couple if they didn't.
> but they weren't really there
> together, much as this guy
Joel: Which guy?
Tom: No, that's Gui.
Crow: Not that Gui! The other guy, Gui!
> would have liked them to be - he even got
> a room at the hotel
Joel: Baow-chicka-baow-beaaaooow, chicka-baow-bwaow... <you get the idea>
> (the lovely Bel Age hotel in
Tom: Beautiful downtown Burbank!
> West Hollywood -
> apparently the only one) where the prom was.
Crow: What? It was the only room near the prom, or the only prom in
West Hollywood?
Tom: No, I think he means the only hotel in West Hollywood.
Joel: No, no, no! He means it was the only room in West Hollywood that he got!
>
> She told Dylan that she's almost over him.
>
Crow: Wait a minute! Were'd _she_ come from?
Tom: Oh, didn't you know? Gui's a she.
>
>Dylan:
Joel: Dylan Thomas?
Crow: Joel, you're so unhip.
>
> Dylan is going to visit some professor
Joel: Hey guys! It's the nutty professor!
> friend of Mr. Myers
Crow: Hey, I thought this was Beverly Hills, not New York.
> at UC
> Berkeley
Tom: Oh, I was worried, for a moment I thought he was going to say UW
Eau Claire.
Crow: Dr. McElwaine, there's a Matt Dylan here to see you.
> because Gil
Joel: Hey! That Gil's a guy!
Crow: Stop it! You're confusing me!
> thinks Dylan is a great writer I guess.
Tom: I guess not.
> Dylan
> said me too when Brenda said she was almost over him.
Joel: You know, getting over yourself is one of the hardest things to do
in life.
> I think he's
> been over her for a while.
Crow: Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, know what I mean, know what I mean?
> Dylan drove the Porsche to the prom - everyone else limoed.
>
Tom: <Sings> Every limo boy and girl, all around this limo world...
>
>Kelly:
Tom: Is Kelly a guy or a girl?
Crow: What do you mean? Kelly is a girl's name!
Joel: Not necessarily Crow, the name can by a boy's name too.
Crow: Aaaarrrrgh! What is this? March of the androgynous?
>
> Kelly is going to go with Dylan to San Francisco
Tom: Heh heh, I'll slow down a little, and you can jump out.
> (near Berkeley) for
> the weekend. She got the blessing of her mom first.
>
Joel: I herby christen this trip 'Fornication'.
>
>Steve:
Crow: Finally! A definite gender-related name!
Tom: Or it could be short for 'Stevie'.
Crow: No!
>
> Steve took that girl Cecilia
Joel: You're breaking my heart!
> or whatever her name is to the prom, and
> they got along just fine.
Crow: Until he went to wash his face...
> There was a little more bonding between
> Steve and Kelly.
>
Crow: Yeah, there's nothing like good, old fasioned, male bonding.
Sitting around a campfire, shooting small animals, throwing down a
couple brewskies.
Tom: But Crow, Kelly's a girl.
Crow: What? How can you tell?
>
>Brandon:
>
> Brandon wasn't too into the prom scene,
Crow: Because the camera kept panning away.
> but he asked Andrea to go for
Joel: A few laughs.
> old-time's sake, but Andrea said she was going with Jordan
Crow: Wow, the basketball player?
> the
> Boner.
Joel: Hey! Hey! None of that here! You can't say that on the net! Hey!
> But Jordan got
Crow: A clue?
> sick, so Brandon went with Andrea.
Tom: Wait a minute, was Jordan originally going with Brandon or Andrea?
Joel: I think it was Brandon, Crow?
Crow: Is Brandon a guy's or girl's name?
Tom: What are you talking about? 'Brandon' is neither Gil's nor Gui's name!
> Brandon
Crow: Hung his head in shame!
> danced a little bit at the prom.
>
Joel: Oh, I remember that. His little bit came after the Flying
Linguini Family.
Tom: No, I think it was after the dog act.
>
>Andrea:
Crow: I know, I know. Andrea can be a girl's or guy's name.
Tom: Nope. Definitely a girls name. Joel?
Joel: I think Tom's right.
>
> Andrea and Brandon were at a school board meeting
Crow: Wait a minute, did they go to the prom or the school board meeting?
Tom: Brandon? Wasn't he the one that went to Berkley?
Crow: No, that was Jordan. But then who bought the hotel?
Joel: Could you keep it down guys? I'm trying to read.
> where a couple of
> edicts
Joel: What were drug addicts doing at a school board meeting?
Tom: He said 'edicts', not 'addicts'.
> were proposed which said there would be a dress code at WBHS
Joel: A dress code for a radio station? Who's going to notice?
Tom: Wow! They might actually make them _wear_ something! Wouldn't
want _that_ to happen, would we?
> next year, and that anyone caught at this year's prom under the
> influence of substances that were not legal for them
Crow: Such as contraband tapes of a certain Fox television series.
> would not be
> able to graduate with the rest of the class.
Joel: Isn't it a little late? I mean, according to the above the prom
is already going on!
Tom: You know, maybe he did mean that there were 'addicts' earlier.
Crow: What does this have to do with dress codes????
> These items were not on
> the published agenda for the meeting,
Joel: Hey! They're off script!
Crow: Oh no, impovisational theater!.
> and it was clear that the
> reason was that they
Joel: Forgot their lines?
> wanted these items to be approved by the board
> without an opportunity for dissent from the student body.
Tom: The student body protesting dress codes? Sounds like they're
having an allergic reaction.
>
> Andrea was bothered about this,
All: GOOD!
> but there wasn't much for her to do
Joel: Except to take a long walk off a short cliff.
> at that point because she's just a troll
Crow: What? A troll? Really? I thought this was supposed to be real life?
Joel: Yeah, what is this? D and D?
Tom: Nope, D and D is actually more realistic.
> and who cares what she says
> anyway,
Joel: Nope, I don't care. Do you care Tom?
Tom: I sure don't care. Do you care Crow?
Crow: What? Are you _kidding_?
Joel: Let's see if Jonny cares...
> so the measures were passed by the board.
Tom: Tonight on 'Anchient Cultures', we travel to deepest, darkest
Beverly Hills to observe the anchient custom of enacting laws by sliding
them over a piece of wood.
>
> At the prom since Brenda didn't come through for that Tony guy,
Crow: No, no! It's 'Gui Tony'!
Tom: No Crow, it is 'Tony guy'.
Joel: Yeah Crow.
Crow: I give up!
> he
> didn't need the hotel room any more, so Andrea went up there with
> Brandon,
Joel: Baow-chicka-baow-beaaaooow, chicka-baow-bwaow...
> and she started hinting
Crow: Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, know what I mean, know what I mean?
> that she wanted to engage in
> explicit
Tom: Mathematics?
> behavior
Joel: Now I want your actions to be exact!
> with him.
All: WHOA! <All start coughing and clearing their throats.>
> That was the last we heard about it.
>
Crow: And I think the last we _want_ to hear about it.
>
>Donna:
Joel: Reed?
>
> Donna was thinking about getting horizontal with David
Crow: And then maybe later they'd try vertical.
Tom: Or diagonal.
Crow: Parallel?
Tom: Perpendicular.
Crow: Skew!
Joel: Stop it you guys.
> in a hotel
> room on prom night,
Crow: But alas, the only room in all of West Hollywood had already been
reserved by Tony.
> and she was ambivalent
Tom: As in multiple personalities?
Crow: As in psychotic?
Joel: As in McElwaine?!
All: AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
> until she asked her mom if
> it was okay if she stayed at Kelly's house that night (i.e. she
> lied),
Crow: Gee, she lied? I didn't even notice. I thought she really was
going to Kelly's.
> and her mom said give me a break I know you're not going to
> Kelly's
Crow: You're going to some sleazy place aren't you?
> - live it up and stay out as long as you want - I trust you.
All: SUCKER! SUCKER!
>
> Donna
Joel: Reed
> then proceeded to have too much to drink
Joel: Hmmmmmm... That's good baaaeeerrr.....
> on an empty stomach
> before the prom
Crow: Plot point! Plot point!
> at a little get-together at David's dad's apartment,
> and so she was drunk
Joel: Hmmmmmm.... That's good beee....
> and sick
Joel: Hwarf!
> at the prom. The gang decided to take
> her home before she got caught,
Tom: Heh, don't mind the mess, don't mind the mess or smell.
> but Mrs. Beasley saw them on the way
> out, and so Donna got busted
All: YAY!!!!
> (drinking age is 21 in CA).
Joel: Donna Reed was so rebellious as a teen. I never would have guessed.
>
>
>David:
Tom: And Goliah. The latest release in the 'Stories of the Bible' series.
>
> Nothing of interest happened with David, especially at the hotel,
Joel: Sure, just rub it in why don't ya?
> since he was left to spend another evening with his hand.
>
Crow: Well gee, I spend all my evenings with _both_ of my hands.
Tom: So far I've spent most of my life with both of mine.
Joel: No guys, I think the writer is trying to imply something.
Crow: That he lost his other hand in a terrible baking accident?
Joel: Not that kind of implication.
Crow: Oh... OH! HEY!
Tom: You don't mean?!
Joel: Yes. I do.
Crow: That's kind of impolite to write, isn't it?
Tom: Not only that, but disturbing as well.
>
>Donna's mom:
>
> Donna's mom was at the school board meeting
Joel: Wow. The prom's over and they're still at the meeting. I thought
they finished.
> supporting the oppressive
> fascist edicts.
Crow: Plot point! Plot Point!
Tom: Facist edicts?
Joel: Well you know, first they tell you to wear clothes and not to do
drugs, next they'll be telling you to do your homework and not talk in
class.
Crow: Facist addicts?
> We know from her past behavior that she is
Crow: Utterly, and completely clueless.
> conservative, but from this episode it is apparent she is in fact
Tom: A tree-hugging, bare-foot, commie liberal!
> a
> dreaded ultra-conservative. Nevertheless, she still has not been
> portrayed as
Crow: Having any sense of dignity, what-so-ever.
> an antagonist, and in fact she was presented as a nice
> guy
Tom: _She_ was presented as a nice _guy_ eh?
Crow: Well, I guess it does fit the 'androginy' theme.
Joel: I'd consider reevaluting that ultra-conservative comment.
> on the evening of the prom where she showed the same love and
> tenderness towards Donna which she has shown
Tom: To Dylan, Mitch, Brandon, and the rest of the guys.
> in the past, and she
> even gave her a little cross-shaped necklace to wear to the prom,
> which made Donna uncomfortable,
Joel: It was weird, it just burned right through her when she put it on.
> given that she already felt guilty
> about what she was planning on doing with David later that evening.
Tom: Hold on, were they the ones planning on going to Berkley?
Crow: I thought they were the pair going to the school board meeting?
Joel: No you guys, they're the pair who are almost all over each other.
>
> It would seem that next week we will find out
Crow: Ah, yes, tune in next week for part six out of five.
> if Donna's mom will be
> vilified or not by her reaction to finding out that Donna
Crow: Should actually be called 'Donald'.
> got drunk
> and won't get to go to graduation.
Joel: Well, _I_ heard she wasn't going to be graduating anyways.
> If her mother treats her with
> egregious disrespect,
Tom: As though there is any other kind.
> then it will be clear that persons who espouse
> the questionable
Crow: Ooooohh! We _are_ wheeling out the extravagant linguistics now
aren't we?
> ultra-conservative religious-right value system
Joel: I see, so being against mood altering drugs and for voluntary
celebacy is evil. Pure, simple, evil!
> are
> in fact monsters.
Crow: That's right! Monters that want you to be safe! Ha ha ha! Mad
maniacal laughter!
Tom: Oooh, scarry.
>
> Also, it was mentioned that Donna's mom has political aspirations,
All: <racious laughter>
Tom: Oh, that _is_ rich.
Crow: I see, so Pat Buchanon is actually Patricia Buchanon.
> and I suppose that might be of some significance if she feels that
> her daughter is now a stigma.
>
Crow: Don't they have surgeries to remove that sort of thing?
>
>
>I think they should have gotten Wilson Phillips to play the prom. At
>least they're locals.
Tom: Oh, there's a good way to close a political statement.
Joel: Come on guys. Let's get out of here.
>Larry
>[29,5195,0fuO7RW00Uf:A7TP4s]
1...2...3...4...5...6...G
<Tom is to the side, no one else is in view.>
Tom: Tonight, we present to you a very special episode of Beverly Hills 90210.
<Crow enters from left, wearing Judge's wig and holding a gavel. Joel
enters from right with a long haired wig on.>
Crow: Alright, I call this board meeting to order, Honorable School
Comittie ChairPERSON, Crow T. Robot presiding.
Joel: I protest!
Crow: Shut up. The first order of business is the new policy rule that
the students must go to school in order to graduate.
Joel: I protest!
Crow: Since there doesn't seem to be any disapproval, the measure is
passed. Next order of buisiness is a proposal to enforce the law that
makes certain mood-altering drugs illegal.
Joel: I protest! I protest!
Crow: The measure has been passed through unanimous consent. Our final
order of business is on wether to even consider, ten years from now, the
possibility of a dress code that will require students to wear clothing
that covers at least the crotch.
Joel: I protest you facist right-wing ultra-conservative devil!
Crow: Uh oh. We seem to have some dissention.
Joel: I protest your filthy authoritarian policies!
Crow: Well, sir, er, mam, er, uh... wait, what sex are you supposed to be?
Joel: I don't know.
Crow: Great. Well, IT, since we don't really care, the measure is passed
any ways.
Joel: Why, why, why? They just don't care about me. They just ignore
my complaints! Why can't I go to school with no clothes? Why can't I
drink hard liquor during the lunch period? Why must I obey their facist
policies? I'm a rebel, born to be free. How can I possibly carry out
my rebellious nature with so many laws and rules around? It's because
I'm just a troll and who cares what I say anyways, that's it! I'm a
troll! Suddenly that explains everything! I know what I'll do! I'll
go to my mother, er, father, she's/he's/it's clueless enough to follow
Pat Bucannon and the 'Religious Right' without question, so maybe I can
convince her/him/it to support me on this! It should be easy! I'm
her/his/its son, maybe daughter, so anything I say _must_ be right in
its eyes! Uh oh, I'm late for the trip to the prom in Berkley.
Tom: And so the you girl, er, guy went to the prom, got blind drunk,
killed a couple of teachers, and later convinced its parental guardian
that the entire situation was a set-up. Tune in next week to see...
Joel: Honorable School Chairperson, I protest that my little one has
been barred from graduation this year because of recent events!
Crow: Hey, weren't you here last week?
Joel: No that was my little one, I'm the parent.
Crow: Oh, well, I suppose you're son, I mean daughter, I mean... well, I
suppose IT was the person that went to the prom, got blind drunk, killed
a couple of teachers, and later set fire to the school mascot?
Joel: I protest! My little one says that it didn't do those things,
that it was a set-up!
Crow: Well, your 'little one' isn't graduating this year because your
little one is in the Junior class.
Joel: I protest!
Tom: Next week, on Beverly Hills Cop Emergency 9110210, live from Texas.
Crow: You know Joel, I still don't understand what people see in this show.
Tom: Yeah Joel, why people in general tend to worship a shows so much?
Joel: Well guys, I don't know for sure, but I guess when we see
something we like we just want to talk about it. And when we see
something we _really_ like we want to imitate it.
Tom: I see, so the basis of many of the discussion groups is from this?
Joel: Yes.
Tom: Then why are so few shows actually represented?
Joel: Because those are the shows with the more dedicated fans.
Crow: Don't you mean raving lunatics?
Tom: And so some of the MUDs, MUSEs and such out there would be the
result of a much stronger dedication to the specific show?
Joel: Right.
Crow: Raving lunatics with no life.
Joel: Now Crow, remember, "Don't seak poorly of your fellow man, because
you never know when you may be speaking of yourself".
Crow: But I'm a robot.
Joel: Look sharp guys, the mads are calling. What do you think sirs?
Dr.F: I think the move to showing you television episodes instead of
movies might just be a good idea. And not just more Master Ninja, I'm
talking actual television format with comercials and all. Imagine! A
limitless supply of lousy serials, shoddy soaps, and obnoxcious dramas!
What do you think Frank?
<Frank doesn't look up from the computer.>
Dr.F: Oh forget it. There are still plenty of bad movies and posts.
Well boys, until next time, I'll be seeing you in your nightmares.
Frank, push the button.
<Frank still doesn't look up.>
Dr.F: Push the button Frank.
<Still nothing. Dr.F begins to reach for the 'off' switch on the back
of the computer as he pushes the button with his other hand. The sound
of a click can be heard, a computer powerdown, and Frank's scream of
terror as the credits begin to roll...>
Robert Everett Brunskill
.. by Robert E. Brunskill@andr
> kicking a big-dewey-eyed puppy. But what can I say? I'm bitter. And
> so I present to you:
>
> MST3K: Beverly Hills 90210 Prom Synopsis
>
> *** Turn of your computers, where aplicable ****
For those who don't know I was typing in dialect. Although I have no
idea what the first one was supposed to mean, the second one should read
"Turn off your computers..."
<Crow: Look Joel! He's all hopped up on goofballs!>