MSTie: Man Who Talks About UFOs III
Lynsa/MrHenry
> DR.F: Well, that's looks very...huh? Anyway, my invention exchange is
a new
> newsgroup called alt.tv.mst3k, and it is specifically designed to get
me women!
> And boy, does it work...
Dear slct1 (if that IS your real name):
That was enough for me to write
BRAVO.
I woke up all four cats laughing.
Lynsa
sl...@cc.usu.edu
<INTRO>
<Tom and Crow are burning a picture, Mike walks in>
MIKE: Hi, and welcome to the Satellite of...what the heck is going on
here???
TOM: BURN BURN!!!
CROW: You're gonna fry!
MIKE: Look, guys, burning a picture of Garry Shandling is not going to get us a
Cable ACE award, ok...
TOM: Well, ok...
CROW: But it just feels right...
MIKE: If you REALLY want to get Garry, I've got (pulls out a very evil looking
laser gun) a cannon to disintegrate him from orbit!
TOM&CROW: Yay!!!!!
<Commercial Sign>
<Laser Cannon pointing out the hexfield viewscreen>
MIKE: Alright, ready? One...two...three!
<Exterior shot of SOL, shows a cheezy looking red line going out of the SOL>
TOM: Well? WELL???
CROW: Did you get him Mike?
MIKE: Oh, great. According to this, we missed Garry Shandling...
TOM&CROW: Aaaaawwwww....
MIKE: But we did disintegrate Penn Jillette's head!
TOM: Well, there is some justice in the universe then...
CROW: Oh, Mike, Beavis and Butt-head are calling...
<Deep 13>
FRANK: Heh-heh heh-heh, they got Penn, that's cool! Heh-heh heh-heh...
DR.F: Zip it Frank, and get out your invention exchange Temps In Space!
<SOL>
MIKE: Well, our invention is the plate-male armor! Being forced to watch CNN's
Bobbit Trial...
CROW: And it WAS a trial, let me tell you.
TOM: Sssh! Anyway, our invention, when worn in the proper place, protects
any male's pride and joy!
MIKE: What do you think, sirs?
<Deep 13>
DR.F: Well, that's looks very...huh? Anyway, my invention exchange is a new
newsgroup called alt.tv.mst3k, and it is specifically designed to get me women!
And boy, does it work...
FRANK: And how...I'VE even got one...
DR.F: But your article this week is yet another in a series from John Winston.
It's part 3 of Man Who Talks About UFOs, three times the post, three times
the pain.
<SOL>
MIKE: Oh, no, it's Article Sign!!!
*...6...5...4...3...2...1...
> Subject: Man Who Talks About UFOs. Part 3.
CROW: The Search For Point!
> Probably some of you are now saying, "When is he going to get
> to the lady from space."
MIKE: We'll get it to it when I am damn well good and ready! You got that!!
> Well now I don't really know because
> I am taking this off the magazine as I read it. Maybe it will be
> soon. Here we go again;......................................
TOM: You said it!!!
> FO: When exactly was this?
> HW: This is November 17, 1963.
CROW: Is he being hypnotized?
TOM: No, then he'd be coherent.
> FO: That was close to the assassination of JFK.
MIKE: Oliver Stone was there...
> HW: I'm not really into the political scene, so I couldn't tell
> you who was assassinated or born...
TOM(nasal): But I have every Doctor Who episode memorized!
> I 'm not really interested
> in politics at any level.
CROW: I just wanted to rule the world.
> FO: But you weren't being abducted?
MIKE: I was working to that...
> HW: No. It's the difference between an invited person, a
> contactee, and
TOM: a party crasher!!!
> someone who's grabbed out of their bed screaming,
> dragged down the hall, down a stairway off to a table and
MIKE: served on a bed of lettuce with mayo on the side...
> jabbed
> every way sexually, ultimately caused to be pregnant-- we're
> talking about a woman now--
ALL: Nooooo!!!!!
> and then after the first indoctrina-
> tion in chemical hypnosis and so forth, she starts salivating
> and looking forward to her next experience.
TOM: Guys, this is one sick mama-jama!
> And if you run into
> of these females,
CROW: Call Larry King Live!
> they almost start salivating as they tell
> you about their experience, as if they must be so d--n horny that
> they've got nothing better to think about.
MIKE: But it only happens once every seven years.
> That's different.
> JW Be sure and don't quote him to the women abductees in this case.
> FO: Were you treated well?
TOM: Well, they did have USA Up All Night...
> HW: I was treated very politely. Zemkia came to my home, knocked
> on the door and started a 37-year relationship of sitting and
> talking with me.
MIKE: He was a really hoopy frood who knew where his towel was.
> Now, the reason for that was that in 1961 I
> negotiated kind of a contract
CROW: With a Mr. Louis Cypher...
> that I did not want to do this
> trance stuff anymore because I was unconscious when the good
> stuff was happening.
MIKE: I don't know what it was, but it was good!
> FO: I think we all had that problem. So you told Master Fahsz
> you wanted to change things?
TOM: Gosh, everybody wants to change the world
CROW: But I don't want the world to change me!
> HW: The idea was that I would accept a certain amount of
> responsibility
TOM: For once!
> to handle the third test of destiny for America.
MIKE: To win the World Cup!
> So the overriding mission here has to do with the United States
> of America, and the three tests that America got involved with,
CROW: Test by water, test by fire, and multiple-choice lightning round!
> starting with the contact of our founding fathers back around
> 1774,
MIKE: Through InterNet.
> when a mysterious gentleman came into town and moved
> in with Benjamin Franklin
TOM: Of course, back then, people did talk...
> and started meetings with George
> Washington, etc.
MIKE: "etc."? Must be the women that did all the work...
> Finally, after two years of talking to those
> gentlemen, [he] convinced them to start a thing called the
> United States of America.
CROW: Except he wanted to call it "Land of free sex and booze"
> FO: Who talked to the founding fathers?
> HW: A mysterious professor.
MIKE: Who strangely resembled Fred MacMurray
> FO: You're implying that maybe somebody from Narvon came here
> to start the U.S.?
TOM: No, really? I thought I was just talking to torture people in outer
space!
> HW: No. I'm implying that this galaxy is peopled with people.
CROW: Shiny happy people are everywhere...
> There are 50 planets, at least, with people on them, but as
> to who that gentleman was that lived with Benjamin Franklin,
MIKE: It was Elvis...
> I can't say.
> FO: Was it Zemkla?
TOM: Or was it Memorex?
> HW: Zemkla--that's his title, not his name.
ALL: D'oh!
> So I don't know
> the precise name or age or birthplace of the man that came
> and knocked on Benjamin Franklin's door.
TOM: And said "Nevermore"...
> He was called the
> mysterious professor. It's in early American history.
MIKE: And America is no longer called America, now it's "Bonerland"
> The
> same fellow showed up a hundred years later in 1861 on the
> eve of a decisive battle in the Civil War.
CROW: And was he aging badly...
> FO: Was that another test of American destiny?
TOM: No, it was a pop quiz.
> HW: The United States of America has three tests of destiny:
> the first one in 1776, which had to do with religious freedom;
MIKE: They created Timothy Leary.
> the second had to do with equal opportunities or equal rights,
> which was the Civil War; and the third one has to do with
CROW: Hostess Cup-Cakes???
> what
> I'm talking about in my period, which is American heritage,
> use it or lose it.
TOM: This post is what's lost it! Can we go now please!
> Part 3.
MIKE: Yeah, let's get out of here!
> John Winston.
CROW: If you see John Winston, PLEASE kill him for us, thank you,
good night.
1...2...3...4...5...6...*
<SOL>
MIKE: Well, we survived! And now it's party time!!!
ALL: Yahooo!!!!
<Deep 13>
DR.F: Oh, they're having a PARTY...isn't that sweet? Now look here! The
experiment's not over until I say it's over!
FRANK: That's right! We've got another tasty post for you called...the new
physics of life.
DR.F: See you in the theatre, Mikey Mike and the Trumpy Bunch!
<SOL>
ALL: Oh, NO!!! Another Post!!! AUGH!!!!
*...6...5...4...3...2...1
> from Foundations of Physics, Vol 21 No2, 1991
> "Biological Utilization of Quantum Nonlocality"
TOM: And other tips for healthy living.
> Brian D Josephson and Fotinia Pallikari-Viras
CROW: Isn't that the Creepy Girl?
TOM: DIBS!!!
> pp197 - 207
> "The perception of reality by biosystems is based on different
MIKE: dichotimic paradigm shifts
CROW: What's that mean?
MIKE: I don't know!
> ... more
> effective, principles than
TOM: The Republican Party.
> ... the more formal procedures of science....
> what appears as random pattern to the scientific method can be
CROW: described ... as ... a set ... of ... pauses ... and, ellipses.
> meaningful pattern to a living organism ... this complementary
> perception
MIKE: Yeah, well, we'll give you a "complementary" vivisection
> ... makes possible in principle effective use by organisms of
TOM: Brylcreem!
MIKE&CROW: The gals will pursue ya...!
> the direct interconnections between spatially separated objects shown to
> exist in the work of J.S. Bell ...
TOM: And now, 12 preludes and fugues by J.S. Bell.
CROW: Maybe we should switch to Sprint!
> there are arguments that appear to show that no real physical
> manifestations of these interconnections actually exist
MIKE: But they do, honest!
> ... the
> activities of living organisms (in) .. which the interconnections (are)
> ... put to practical use ...
TOM: for .. (writing) ... stupid ... posts.
MIKE: I think these guys wrote my tax forms.
> ... the antithesis between the way that Bell's argument appears to
> demonstrate the existence of
CROW: Funny Gallager routines.
> direct action at a distance, while at the
> same time quantum calculations lead to the result that any such effects
TOM: Are only in your wildest imaginings!
> will disappear under averaging ... (P. J. Bussey,
MIKE: Hey, it's Buddy Holly!
TOM: That's Gary Busey!
MIKE: Oh, oops.
> `Super-luminal
> communication in Einstein-Rosen-Podolsky experiments', Phys. Lett A 90 ,
> 9-12 (1982))
CROW: In B-flat minor, Opus 27.
> ... what kind of randomness is being presupposed when one performs such
> statistical averaging ... An answer .... is provided by
TOM: Cliff's Notes!
> causal ...
> models ... such as that of Bohm .... one needs in general to deal with
CROW: Grammar!
> .... different kinds of probability distributions from those relevant to
> quantum mechanical systems ... in cases ... involving biosystems. ....
MIKE: And now, David Letterman's Stupid Biosystem Tricks.
> focussed probability systems that make possible .. human abilities )i.e.
> psi functioning) ...
TOM: Let the weirdness begin...
CROW: Maybe they'll show us how to say "_-_"?
> ... in Bell's own words .... `there must be a mechanism whereby the
MIKE: Cold side stays cold and the hot side hot!
> setting of one measuring device can influence the reading of another
> instrument, however remote' ....
TOM: And if a tree falls in a forest and no one is there ...
> The existence of such remote influences or connections is suggested more
> directly by experiments on phenomena
TOM: Phenomena...
CROW: Ba dee dee dee!
> such as telepathy (the direct
> connection of one mind with another) and psychokinesis (the direct
> influence of mind on matter)
CROW: And psychosis (what the people who wrote this are suffering
from)
> .... the reader is referred to ... Radin
> and Nelson (`Evidence for consciousness-related anomalies in random
> physical systems', Found Physics 19, 1499-1514 (1989)) ...
MIKE: Let us read the Book of Phound Physics, Chapter 4, Verses 11-21
> .... conventional quantum mechanical calculations suggest that whatever
> effects changing the setting of a measuring device may have on
> individual remote events,
TOM: Things that can go wrong, still will go wrong.
CROW: Oh, like this post?
TOM: I think he's got it!
> the statistical distribution of such events
> remains unaltered... Mermin ... characterizes the measurements carried
> out at the remote location as being `entirely random.'
MIKE: But they're only mostly random!
> But what is `entirely random'? What appears to be random in a given
> situation depends on the context, on what one knows and on
CROW: Your waist size.
> one's point
> of view. Coded messages, the roll of a die, output from a computer, or
TOM: The joys of innocent children shattered...
> the movements of a person operating a piece of machinery may all appear
> random if one does not know the relevant details
CROW: Is he implying he knows what he's talking about?
> ( the code .... a
> different kind of statistical average. What seems to be noise may no
> longer be noise,
MIKE: Green Jello's music I tell you!
TOM: YOU listen to Green Jello?
MIKE: Uh...just a guess, really...
> and the theorem implying no manifestations of
> interconnectedness for the statistical average may no longer apply."
CROW: So there, the end!
TOM: Hey, it IS the end!
MIKE: Let's get out of here...
CROW: Help...I'm trapped in the void...
1...2...3...4...5...6...*
<SOL>
TOM: You know guys, I've had enough of bizarre scientific psycho-babble.
CROW: Well, at least it's not Bob McElwaine...
ALL: Amen! What do you think sirs?
<Deep 13>
DR.F: Oh, push the button Frank, and download some posts from alt.tv.mst3k...
I feel, randy!
FRANK: Whatever you say, your studliness...
<Phwoosh!>
Keith N.l. sl...@cc.usu.edu
"That was as painful as a cattle-prod to the shoulder could get...AUGH!!!"
Dale sl...@cc.usu.edu
"Let the movie BEGIN!"
Mystery Science Theatre 3000, its characters, situations, and internal
psychoses are copyright 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. This spoof is not meant to
infringe on any copyrights held by Best Brains, Comedy Central, HBO, but it
should infringe on the copyrights of John Winston. The information herein is
not subject to being, even if mistaken. Distribute all you want as long as you
give us your VISA card (just kidding...really...No, really!). Deal with it
pink boy! (Did we mention we were kidding on the VISA thing?)