[MiSTied] HOT STOCKS ALERT 1/2

[John Carney]

This is my first MiSTing -- hope you like it. Comments and suggestions
are welcome.




MiSTed: HOT STOCKS ALERT (Part 1 of 2)



[ The Satellite of Love looks normal. Mike is alone. ]

MIKE: Hi, and welcome back to the Satellite of Love. I'm not sure where the
guys are --

[ Tom Servo enters, dressed as a mailman and carrying a bag over his
shoulder. ]

TOM: Mail call!
MIKE: Mail call? Tom, we don't read letters until the end of the --
TOM: Are you Mr. Nelson? I believe I have a letter for you right here
in my pack....
MIKE: OK, what's going on?

[ Mike reaches into Tom's mail sack and pulls out an envelope.]

MIKE (cont'd): [ Looking at envelope ] It's a special offer from ...

[ opening the envelope and reading an enclosure ]

MIKE (cont'd): Discovery MasterImpress?

[ Crow bursts in. ]

CROW: That's right, Mike -- because of your excellent credit rating, you've
been pre-approved for the Discovery MasterImpress card with a special
interest rate of just one tenth of one percent.
MIKE: One tenth of a percent?
CROW: Of course, that introductory rate applies for the first, uh, three
days. After that, you pay a variable rate based on the prime rate multiplied
by the number of cast members on ``Saturday Night Live.''
MIKE: But, Crow, I don't need a credit card. There's nothing to buy up
here!
TOM: Don't be so short-sighted, Mike. The Discovery MasterImpress card
isn't just about purchasing power. It says something about who you are.
CROW: It says you're a man of distinction. A man who commands respect.
TOM: A man respected by the ladies.

[ Gypsy enters. ]

GYPSY: I just love a man with purchasing power.
TOM: And, you get frequent flyer miles every time you use the card!
MIKE: We're in a geosynchronous orbit over Deep 13. I'm not collecting any
frequent flyer miles.
CROW: What happens if you want to rent a car? You can't rent a car without
a credit card.
MIKE: Look, guys, I don't know where you got my name and address, but think
about it a second. I've been stuck up here for two years now, and my bills
are probably piling up back home. My credit rating has probably disappeared
altogether.
TOM: We don't care about that, Mike, old chum -- we just want to sign up
more people than the other card.
MIKE: But I don't need --
CROW: Mike, Mike, Mike -- here in the Satellite of Love we take bad
movies apart -- but we *don't* take American Express.

[ Commercial sign flashes. ]

MIKE: We'll be right back.

[ commercials ]

[ Back to S.O.L. ]

CROW: Look, Mike, if you're not going to sign up for the card, will you at
least buy some travelers checks?

[ The Deep 13 signal flashes. ]

MIKE: Shhh. Karl Malden is calling.

[ Deep 13 -- Dr. Clayton Forrester is talking on the telephone. ]

DR. F: [ on the phone ] I appreciate your offer, but it's really too
soon after Frank's passing for me to be talking about a replacement ....
Yes, I'm sure Regis can be difficult to work with sometimes, but I'm just
not ready for -- ... Look, Kathie Lee, you sound a little stressed out
right now. Why don't you take some time off? Maybe go on a cruise ....

[ Dr. F. notices the camera ]

DR. F (cont'd): [ To the camera ] Oh, hello there, Mike. Looks like I'll be
on the phone a while. But that shouldn't keep you from this week's
experiment, a riveting little sack of prose I picked up from those
bohemians over at misc.invest. It's called the ``Hot Stocks E-Mail Alert,''
and E.F. Hutton says not to read it on a full stomach. [ on the phone ] Oh,
for God's sake, Kathie Lee, that's why they make Drammamine!

[ S.O.L. -- Usenet sign is flashing. ]

MIKE, TOM, CROW: WE GOT USENET SIGN!

[ 7 ... 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... ]

> From: hots...@gate.net (Sheila Estrada)

TOM: Ponch and Jon ride down Wall Street, looking for hot stocks.
CROW: Check out the P/E ratio on that baby!

> Newsgroups: alt.business.misc,misc.invest.stocks,misc.invest
> Subject: HOT STOCKS EMAIL ALERT -- May 8, 1995
> Date: 12 May 1995 05:01:18 GMT
> Lines: 179
> Message-ID: <3ouq2u$1m...@news.gate.net>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: hopi.gate.net

CROW: ``The Mystic Warrior'' -- coming soon to ABC.

> Summary: Stock tips, info re emerging companies
> Keywords: Stocks, Investing, Finance, Business, Money

> George Chelekis'
> HOT STOCKS REVIEW

TOM: Wasn't that the original title of ``The New Zoo Revue''?

> EMAIL/FAX ALERT
> Vol 2 * No. 9
> May 8, 1995 Edition

MIKE: May 8th is V-Email Day.

> ************************************************************************
> WWW URL: http://www.gate.net/~hotstock/ Fax comments to:
> email: hots...@gate.net (813) 449-1421
> ************************************************************************

> --WHERE THE ACTION IS

TOM: I was sort of hoping for ``Hullabaloo.''

> VOISEY BAY, where else? All of Canada seems enthralled by the
> Voisey Bay play.

CROW: Yeah, well, it doesn't really take much to enthrall a Canadian.

> And it's only going to get more exciting! Here's what
> you don't know: A prestigious US investment banking firm is to meet
> with the board of directors of Diamond Fields Resources (TSE:DFR) in
> Toronto.

TOM: A wholly owned subsidiary of Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

> If they like the deal, the imprimatur of this firm will make
> DFR widely known to the US investor. Sources say the research
> report could come out within 3 weeks. (I've confirmed this from
> multiple sources but I don't want to name the investment banking
> firm, one of the most highly respected Wall Street firms, as the
> attendant publicity might kill the deal.)

MIKE: I'm happy to see the attendants get some publicity. They work pretty
hard, you know.
CROW: Deal-killing is hard work!
TOM: By the way, it sure is nice to see Rona Barrett working again.

> This news should send all the serious Voisey Bay and related stocks
> to new highs.

CROW: [ Russian accent ] Voisey Bay ... VOISEY BAY? Oh, NO ....

> Inco (NYSE:N) to provide loads of excitement in the DFR
> play. They will get into a bidding war with RTZ or become a second
> class has-been. Inco will pay whatever price necessary, up to C$120,
> for DFR in order to keep RTZ out of the deal.

CROW: Meanwhile, IBM has been seeing NEC behind the FTC's back, and UPS is
pregnant with GM's illegitimate son.

> Giant mining companies worry about the Voisey Bay area, because IF
> the deposit is as good as it promises to be, it may actually lower the
> price of nickel. Economics 101.

TOM: I thought a nickel always cost five cents.
CROW: You never took Economics 101.

> Falconbridge (TSE:FCG) is completely out of the DFR picture and is
> anxious to get into Voisey Bay--should now actively pursue Absolut
> Resources (Alberta:ALR).

TOM: Absolut Resources -- Is that the show about the fashion designers?
MIKE: No, I think it's a brand of vodka.

> ALR is heading to C$6.00 or higher, but first
> correct to C$2.75 (great buying opportunity at that level). First
> Marathon and Peter Brown (Canaccord) very eager to finance ALR.

> Excitement in the weeks ahead to move to Harp Lake. More gossan
> there than in Voisey Bay. ALR's stepfather, Tanqueray Resources
> (Alberta:TQY), is my top pick.

CROW: Is this from the part of Canada where they don't speak English?

> Voisey Bay fall-out ahead--possibly by late June when investors
> realize that every bubble eventually bursts for the pretenders. Wild
> card is the Wall Street research report which could keep the entire
> play alive through the summer.

CROW: However, Glenn Close will be taking over the lead role.

> Voisey Bay is a rocket ride compared
> to the Canadian NWT diamond play. Investors don't realize that
> staking came from out-of-date and scanty geological data. And that
> Labrador's exploration season is very short and wretched.

TOM: Honey -- the Labrador's chasing cars down the street again!

> The rest of
> the year gets worse. Best poised to survive are ALR, PQY, Takla Star
> (Alberta:TKR), International Silver Ridge (VSE:ISG), and Ruppert
> Resources (VSE:RUP).

> Voisey Bay up to 100 juniors and climbing. Look at the play as an
> easy way for many juniors to get their stock price and raise money.

CROW: So they can buy decorations for the junior-senior prom.

> Brokerage houses won't touch some of these unless they are in
> Voisey Bay. Be careful. Stick to those which have a strong back-up
> elsewhere.
> Two possible Voisey Bay winners, though, are Golden Nev (a Pezim
> play) and Band-Ore (Cdn:BNDR),

TOM AND CROW: [ singing ] I am stuck on Band-Ore, 'cause Band-Ore's
stuck on me.

> which have other properties to
> justify higher stock prices.

> ************************************************************************

> --TECHNO YAK-YAK

TOM: [ Deep voice, and quickly ] Don't talk back.

( CONTINUED )




MiSTing by John Carney ( jca...@edge.ercnet.com )

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1995 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.

Hot Stocks Review Fax Alert is Copyright 1995 by George Chelekis.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes
only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks is
intended or should be inferred.

--

John I. Carney | Mountain T.O.P. (Tennessee Outreach Project)
-----------------------------| Celebrating 20 Years of Ministry
jca...@edge.ercnet.com | 1975-1995