[MSTing] FFFFFF! (Part 2 of 6)
Shay_...@letterbox.com
< - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - >
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The Final Fantasy Fan-Fiction Fun Fest!
MSTing by Shay Caron
Part 2 of 6: More of "MSTing: MSTing: MSTing: Final Fantasy 7", by
Cedric Henry/Jamie Jeans/Cedric Henry/Square
[ SOL. Tom is reading a computer screen set up on the desk. A beat. ]
TOM: The hell?! Cambot, put this up on still-store, would ya? I wanna make
sure I just read what I just read.
[ Cambot displays the following text, with Tom's voiceover. ]
TOM: This is from Jamie's ninth MSTing, "A Final Fantasy 7 Thanksgiving".
Mike, Samantha, Crow, and I are looking at our E-mail.
> >Hi there! Cedric Henry (or Lobsterboy) here!
TOM: [ Cedric ] Hi, everybody! [ crowd ] Hi, Lobsterboy!
> >
> >I read your Misting of my Misting of Final Fantasy 7 and I'm glad you
> >followed my directions for the good Misting of a good thing.
TOM: I don't think I saw any of those.
> > But if you
> >continue this, here are a few suggestions:
TOM: [ Cedric ] Bite me.
> >
> >1. Do not treat me like Ratliff or anyone else like that for that
> >matter. You might like me if you met me in real life!
TOM: I dunno, I might be too busy smacking you around to find out.
> "I guess we should apologize for that. No one should be considered a
> Ratliff," Tom said.
TOM: Except, uh, Ratliff.
>
> "We're sorry," Mike, Samantha, and the bots said simultaneously.
TOM: [ M&S&TB ] Please don't hit!
>
> >2. Please don't be too hard on my Misting. It's my first one, ya know!
TOM: And it shows.
> " No problem," Mike said. "I'm sure you'll get better with more practice."
>
> >3. My server is at Henr...@paulbunyan.net so if you tried to e-mail me
> >you might not have gotten a reply!
TOM: He dragged his axe along the ground and created alt.startrek.creative.
> >4. This was before I found the concept and Making of a Misting on the
> >FAQ, so needless to say I will be getting better much quicker!
> "Cool. Can't wait to read your future works," Samantha said.
TOM: I can. Course, I say that about everyone, so no hard feelings, I hope.
>
> >5. I have finished part 1 of the Chrono Trigger MiSTing! Feel free to
> >make fun of it! It sucks!
TOM: At least he's self-deprecating.
> "Wow! Another author with a good sense of humor! We've really got a good
> streak with them lately," Crow commented.
>
> "Yeah. Two of them in a row.... so far," Mike said.
TOM: [ dramatic music ] Dah-dah-DAH!
>
> >6. I will be sure to PERSONALLY E-mail you a copy of the second part of
> >Chrono Trigger when I finish it.
> "Thanks! And, no doubt, we'll probably be MSTing it," said Tom.
>
> >7. I have a webpage! It's
> >http://members.tripod.com/~lobsterboy2/vgt3k.htm
TOM: Wonder what *that* stands for.
> >8. Thanx for saying that my MiSTing was hard to do! I think I'll Mist
> >your MiSTing of my MiSTing of..... nah.
> >-Lobsterboy
>
> "I must say that this guy has a great sense of humor," Samantha said.
TOM: And a split personality disorder!
>
> "Yeah! Let's just hope that the authors of those other stories we've MSTied
> have one as well," Mike said.
>
> The sharp buzzer announcing the arrival of more mail sounded again.
TOM: We got E-mail Sign!
> After a
> few seconds of waiting, Crow had the new message up for all to read.
>
> "Hey guys! It's another one from Cedric Henry!"
TOM: Talkative, ain't he?
>
> >I forgot one or two more things. Here they are!
> >-I don't own Tobal No.1 is from a E-Mail flame that I got from some
> >lamer who forgot to read the disclaimer.
TOM: Just went right over his head. I know people like that.
> > He thought I was basing my
> >opinions on the demo disc that came with the game!
> >-I actually enjoyed FF7 and they aren't ripping on the game! They're
> >ripping on the Japanese version Transcript! There's a difference!
TOM: Coherence.
> >-You don't get it.
TOM: I could have told them that.
> > In Nintendo Power's 1998 preview they ripped on FF7.
> >I found it interesting and I found an ad for FF7 in a Nintendo Power mag
> >from a two years ago. I decided "What the hell" and had them present the
> >facts to the world!
TOM: Er, thanks. I think.
> >-Also, don't make any comments on me. I'd really appreciate it.
> >-Lobsterboy
TOM: Well, it's hard to resist when you've got a name like *that*!
>
> "Actually, that does clear up quite a bit of confusion Cedric, or Lobster
> boy, as you would prefer," Mike said. "I really guess Nintendo is kicking
> themselves for going with a catridge based system instead of CD like the
> Sony Playstation did."
TOM: [ Nintendo ] Kick. Ow! Kick. Ow! Kick. Ow!
>
> "And don't worry about us making anymore comments about you. We try to stay
> as far away from author jokes as possible," Samantha explained.
>
> "Except in self insertion fics. Those are just too easy to pass up," Tom
> said.
TOM: Tell me about it.
[ Back to the SOL, with Tom still in front of the computer. ]
TOM: That was almost friendly. So why the hostility? Sheesh!
[ The Movie Sign alarms go off. ]
Aaugh, we've got Sextuple-F Sign!!
[ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ]
[ Everyone enters the theater. ]
TOM: [ to himself ] I dunno, maybe he wrote that after he'd calmed down or
something.
CROW: Hmm?
TOM: You wouldn't believe what I just found in Shinji's Vault.
MIKE: What?
TOM: I'll show ya later.
>
> >(6...5...4...3...2...1...)
CROW: If I have to see that door sequence one more time, I swear I will
scream.
> >The Reactor Bombing No. 1
> TOM: Hey I know this part of the game!
CROW: Who plays it and doesn't?
MIKE: Uh, I don't.
TOM: I don't want to know.
>
> >Mike: It's a Shin-ra reactor bombing of savings at Menards.
MIKE: Shin-RAAA!! Boy, that was fun to say.
> >
> > Barett: "Let's go, new guy! Follow me!"
> >
> >Mike: (upon seeing the Ex-Soldier's hair) AAAH! Freaky!
> >Tom: He probably just doesn't know how he looks. Next scene, he'll have
TOM: A shiny new bouffant!
CROW: Does hair shine?
>
> >already combed his hair. It probably looks better down...
> CROW: Hey Mike, you're one to talk about this guy's hair! You're losing
> yours.
MIKE: Hey now!
CROW: Sorry.
>
> Mike: But I don't stand it up like in TISCWSLABMUZ!
>
> MIKE: Well what else would you suspect after being up here and watching
> all those bad movies and fan fics.
TOM: I would suspect instant death.
>
> Kevin: He just said that. He didn't ask it, he just said it.
>
> >Tom: (Upon seeing Ex-Soldier at the next scene) D'OH!
> TOM: (Homer Simpson) Hmmmm, donut. (Drooling noise)
MIKE: How does drool sound?
CROW: "Drip, drip, drip", I guess.
>
> Cedric: Tom always says D'OH!
TOM: I D'OH! not.
>
> > Biggs: "Well done, soldier! But it's incredible for a soldier
> to
> >have joined the anti-Shinra group'Avalanche.'
MIKE: Avalanche! Run for your lives!
BOTS: Aaaaah!
> >
> >Tom: Filling in on the backstory, eh, Biggs?
> CROW: Well of course he is you dope! That's why he was speaking!
CROW: Methinks our dopplegangers do not grasp the concept of "humor".
TOM: Which set?
CROW: All of them, I guess.
>
> > Jessie: "Is what you're saying true? Aren't the soldiers our
> >enemies?
> >
> >Crow: Like Barney!
MIKE: No, actually, I don't.
>
> Cedric: That was pretty lame.
>
> ALL: DEATH TO BARNEY!!!!!!
ALL: Waaugh!
>
> Cedric: I stand corrected. By the way, Barney isn't evil. His
> merchandising
> scheme is, but Barney itself isn't. It's kind of like just giving
> joyless,
> bored children to do when their parents are gone.
CROW: I did not know that.
MIKE: I did not get that.
>
> > Jessie: "Why is the soldier collaborating with Avalanche?"
> >
> >Crow: Because he's anal.
TOM: That was pointless.
>
> Joel: Yeah. That was pretty bad too.
>
> MIKE: Crow!!!!
> CROW: I didn't say it! Crow did!
> MIKE: Well you got me there.
CROW: You're not too bright, are you, Mike?
MIKE: Crow!
CROW: I didn't say it! Crow did!
MIKE: Oh no you don't.
> SAMANTHA: This is gonna be hard to riff considering that all you're
> doing
> is insulting yourself.
> TOM: A CHALLENGE!!!!
>
> Mike: (King Arthur) It is a challenge we must accept.
TOM: [ gatekeeper ] Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me
these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
MIKE: [ Lancelot ] Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.
TOM: [ gatekeeper ] Why are we reading this?
MIKE: [ Lancelot ] I don't know that! Waaaaaaaaaugh!!
> Bill: (Bedevere) We must sing close harmony in front of King Brian the
> Wild.
>
> MIKE: Don't be giving him any ideas Sam.
MIKE: Yes, no ideas Sam for him.
>
> > Biggs: "Don't be hasty, Jesse. He -was- a soldier. Now he has
> >resigned from Shinra, and become our ally."
> >
> > Biggs: "I still haven't heard your name. What is it?"
> >
> > (Decide on a name for your character
CROW: Yeah, make me.
TOM: Tom Servo!
MIKE: Mike Nelson!
> >
> > Cloud: "...I'm Cloud."
MIKE, TOM: D'OH!
> >
> >Tom: Cumulonimbus!
> >Crow: Stratus!
> >Mike: Cirrus!
>
> Cedric: I liked that one. That was a good riff.
TOM: Good riff. Want a biscuit?
>
> SAMANTHA: Okay, now that was really lame guys!
> ALL BUT SAM: But we didn't do it! We did!
> SAMANTHA: Ow my head.
MIKE: Tried to think.
>
> > Biggs: "Cloud, eh? I am...
CROW: Napoleon!
> >
> >Tom: Fudge man!
> MIKE: I don't get it.
>
> Cedric: I just needed something irrelevant. I don't get it either.
MIKE: All hail the non-sequitur.
>
> > Cloud: "I don't care what your names are. After this job is
> >over, I'm going my separate way."
CROW: [ singing ] Go your own way! Goooo your own waaaaayyyyyy!
> >
> >Crow: That's as far as this relationship's going to get.
> TOM: Do you have to point out all the bad relationships in a fan fic?
TOM: [ Tom ] *I* wanna!
> CROW: But I didn't do it! Crow...
> SAMANTHA: Please stop that joke or else I'll have to come back there and
CROW: What, is Sam in the balcony or something?
>
> kick your butt.
>
> > Barett: "What are you doing! I told you not to stand around in
> >groups! The target is magic reactor number one. We will meet at the
> >bridge in front of the reactor. Former soldier... Tsk, can't trust
> you."
> >
> >Mike: I'll have to kill you now.....
MIKE: Whoa, mood swing!
> TOM: Have you been taking your medication like the doctor told you to?
> MIKE: well not really but....HEY!!!
>
> Bill: Mike, you're on a space ship! You can't see a doctor!
TOM: There's this thing called humor, you guys. You should try it.
>
> TOM: (Snickers)
CROW: What was funny? I missed it.
>
> > Wedge: "I'll guard the exit area."
> >
> >Tom: Wait a second.... Wedge and Biggs trying to help a blonde airhead
> >destroy
> >a major corporation? STAR WARS RIPOFF!!!!
MIKE: Can you really call the Empire a "major corporation"?
TOM: "Death-dealing corporation", perhaps.
>
> Cedric: It's true!
MIKE: Elves *did* kill JFK!
> Square has put hundreds of Star Wars references into
> their games! I just referenced it wrong!
TOM: Square needs a hobby.
CROW: Cedric needs a hobby.
>
> ALL: BOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
> TOM: Allright
>
> Kevin: is two words.
>
> , that's it! I'm kicking my ass!
CROW: [ Jim Carrey ] I'm kicking my ass here! Do you mind?
> SAMANTHA: You do realize just how bad that sounds.
> CROW: And besides, you don't have any feet.
MIKE: Or a behind.
TOM: I have a great butt!
>
> > Wedge: "But, blowing up this big reactor... That'll be a
> sight!"
> >
> > Barett: "...Hey. You've seen the magic reactor before?"
CROW: Reactor? I hardly even *SLAP* Ow.
> >
> >Crow: Um.. does seeing it on an Inside Report on TV count?
> MIKE: (News Reporter) Tonight on Hard Copy: MSTiers who MST other
> MSTiers.
MIKE: And the women who love them.
TOM: You wish.
>
> Cedric: Hey Sam! You and me both qualify!
>
> > Cloud: "Sure.
CROW: ZIHW ZEEHC STAE NATAS
> >
> >Mike: I'm the anti-magic man...
MIKE: I am the walrus... I am also the anti-magic man...
BOTS: Koo-koo-ka-choo.
>
> All: (BA-dum-dum-CHI drum sequence)
>
> SAMANTHA: That joke made no sense whatsoever.
>
> > As a soldier... All of Shinra Company's people have seen it."
TOM: Oh, they're having Shinra Company over for dinner.
> >
> >Tom: All but the guards, marketers, receptionists, officials,
> >employees......
TOM: A lot of company!
> TOM: Here I would have said something like how all that have seen it mad
>
> or something.
> CROW: Hey don't diss FF7!!!
> TOM: Geez, sorry!
MIKE: RPG Gestapos.
CROW: Thou shalt not take FF7 in vain!
TOM: You think Jamie's subtly mocking himself?
CROW: Ask if I think anyone here knows the *word* subtle.
>
> > Barett: "This planet is overflowing with magic energy.
MIKE: It's just oozing out people's ears!
> > It's
> >people use magic energy in their everday lives. But no one knows the
> >true nature of
> >
> >Crow: Those little flaps on coffee lids at McDonald's.
CROW: They installed those things after that woman sued, you know.
>
> Cedric: South Park reference.
>
> CROW: Shouldn't I have pointed out that the magic energy is Mako? Oh
> well...
MIKE: Well, would it be *funny*?
>
> > magic. Do you know it?"
> >
> >Mike: Um...?
> TOM: That about sums up about half your intelligence right there Mike.
> MIKE: Hey!!!
>
> > Barett: "Magic is this planet's blood flow.
> >
> >Mike: Oh.
> TOM: And that sums up the other half.
MIKE: So my brain in total is "Umoh"?
> SAMANTHA: Come on Tom, no more bugging Mike about his intelligence.
TOM: [ Sam ] Bug me instead.
>
> > And the Shinra company is sucking it dry.
TOM: With a 50-foot straw.
> >
> >Mike: And the problem is....?
> MIKE: All right, now that is something I resent! I am not an uncaring
> person!
>
> Mike: But I act that way all the time in the theaters!
MIKE: I still don't quite see the problem. <chuckle>
>
> SAMANTHA: Settle down Mike. You'll only stress yourself out.
>
> > With this strange hunk of scrap..."
> >
> >Tom: That wrecked Chevy over there?
CROW: And the cars all start singing.
> TOM: (Getting frustrated) No, the Mako plant you idiot!!!!
>
> Cedric: Have a sense of humor, Tom!
TOM: I DO!
CROW: Supposedly.
>
> > Cloud: "Enough eloquence. Let's get moving."
> >
> > Barett: "Grr... All right, from here on you're going with me."
> >
> >Tom: But I and Jessie have already established a firm
CROW: I can't wait to see this.
> > relationship....
> CROW: You wish Servo.
>
> Kevin: He was speaking AS CLOUD!!!
TOM: No, that would be like this: [ Cloud ] Eew, Jessie's a *girl*!
CROW: [ Cloud ] Cooties!
>
> > Jessie: "Biggs and I have recieved the codes for these door
> >locks."
> >
> >Crow: That way we can use coat hangers to steal the company cars.....
> SAMANTHA: Something could be said about that comment but I just don't
> have
> the heart to say it.
CROW: What could be said about it?
TOM: "Something could be said about that comment but I just don't have the
heart to say it."
CROW: Oh.
>
> > Biggs: "Code disarmed."
> >
> > Biggs: "Many lives were sacrificed to get these codes..."
MIKE: To our all-knowing, omnipotent god, Prdxnglfn.
> >
> >Mike: Too bad we didn't need 'em... we just crawled in through the back
>
> >vent....
TOM: D'oh!
MIKE: Hey, you *do* always say that!
> MIKE: That's it! When I get my hands on me, I'll.....
> CROW: But don't you do that every night?
ALL: Eeeew!
> SAMANTHA: Crow!!! (Gets up and hits him)
MIKE, TOM: <cheer>
> MIKE: Thanks.
> SAMANTHA: No problem.
CROW: <th-b-b-b-p>
>
> > Jessie: "Code disarmed."
> >
> > Jessie: "Press the button over there!"
CROW: Or DIE!
> >
> > Barett: "As magic is used up, the planet's life is slowly
> >wearing away. And someday...there will be none left."
> >
> > Cloud: "That's too bad, but I'm not interested."
MIKE: Planet exploding?
TOM: [ Cloud ] Don't care.
MIKE: Plague spreading?
TOM: [ Cloud ] So what?
MIKE: The world is out of mousse?
TOM: [ Cloud ] NOOOOO!!
> >
> > Barett: "The planet's gonna die, Cloud!
> >
> >Crow: But it doesn't have anything to do with my PCP-induced hairstyle,
>
> >does it?
> TOM: This is bad.
CROW: You're referring to our having to read this, right?
> We go from loving this game to riffing it in uder
>
> Cedric: (As tom) Ib sorry. I hab a code.....
>
> a minute.
> SAMANTHA: Just remember that this is not you guys. It's some wierd
TOM: Al Yankovic!
CROW: Actually, no, this would be "Wierd All" Yankovich. It's a subtle
difference.
>
> Joel: Magazine.
>
> dopplegangers from an alternate dimension.
MIKE: Ah, yes, it's Bizarro-MST3K.
CROW: It am me favorite show.
>
> > Cloud: "What I'm thinking about right now is
TOM: Pineapples.
> > getting this job
> >done. Before guards or security robots come."
> >
> >Tom: (homer simpson voice) Or the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with
> >bees in their mouths so when they bark they shoot bees at you!
> ALL: (Start to get sleepy and fall to sleep except for Samantha).
>
> > Jessie: "Press the 'decision button'
CROW: To decide.
> > in front of the ladder to
> >grab on. Then use the 'direction keys'
CROW: To direct.
> > to climb up or down.
> >
> >Tom: That's nice, but I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
TOM: I'm a complete moron with no brains to speak of and--wait a minute.
> SAMANTHA: As Tom would say, the instructions you idiot!
>
> Mike: And Tom, again, was speaking AS CLOUD!!!!
TOM: And Tom, again, gave no way to TELL!!
CROW: And Mike, again, is just FREAKING OUT!!
>
> > Jessie: "All this will only be junk after we blow it up."
> >
> >Crow: The decision button?
MIKE: Goodbyyyyye, controller!
> >
> > Barett: "Cloud, set the bomb."
MIKE: [ Cloud ] Yeah, make me.
> >
> > Cloud: "Shouldn't you do it?"
> >
> > Barrett: "Me? I'll stand guard, to keep an eye on you."
> >
> >Crow: Oh, ICK!
TOM: My fish have ICK!
> CROW: (Waking up) Now that was totally uncalled for!
> SAMANTHA: It was?
> CROW: Yes, we save those jokes for a really bad fan fic.
>
> Bill: That's why we're here!
CROW: To create a really bad fanfic?
>
> > Cloud: "...Have it your way."
> >
> >Crow: Cloud's a Burger King clerk!
> >
> > (Wake up!)
MIKE: Your house is on fire, your children are gone!
> >
> >Tom: Auntie Em! It was all just a dream.....
> MIKE: (Waking up) Yawn! Oh is this still on? Was that supposed to be a
> joke.
TOM: [ defensively ] Well, I liked it.
>
> Cedric: Ever heard of a question mark Samantha?
>
> TOM: (Snoring loudly)
CROW: Hey! It just said "wake up"! Can't you read?
>
> > (This isn't just a power plant!!!)
>
> Mike: It's a state of mind!
MIKE: We're studying geography! Now what state do you live in?
TOM: Denial.
MIKE: <sigh> I don't suppose I can argue with that.
>
> >
> > Barett: "......is it?
> >
> > Cloud: "Huh?"
> >
> >Mike: (Pee Wee Herman) I can't hear you!
CROW: What? *What*?!
> TOM: (Wakes up with a cream
>
> Kevin: of wheat.
MIKE: I used to have nightmares about the guy on the oatmeal box.
>
> ) Don't ever do that again Mike!!!!
> MIKE: What?!
> CROW: Now you know how I feel.
>
> > Barrett: "What is it, Cloud? Hurry up!"
> >
> > Cloud: "...Right, sorry."
> >
> > Barett: "Now they're getting serious."
TOM: He took her to meet his parents.
> >
> >All: EWWW!
> >
> > Guard Scorpion
> >
> >Tom: So.... they're inside the guard scorpion?
MIKE: Indigestion! <burp>
>
> Cedric: That was lame.
>
> MIKE: No, they're fighting the Guard Scorpion! Geez, haven't you ever
> played
> the game before?
CROW: [ Foghorn Leghorn ] It's a joke, son! A joke, Ah say! I keep pitchin'
'em and you keep missing 'em! Ya gotta keep your eye on the ball! Eye!
Ball! I almost had a good joke there!
>
> Cedric: (dumbly, sarcastically) Duh, no. I only played the demo disc and
>
> I riffed this because I hate RPGs and I think that Crow is the best and
> I think sports games are the best games ever! (Normal) YES I'VE PLAYED
> THE
> GAME BEFORE!
CROW: Wait. What does he mean by "Crow is the best"?
MIKE: Just relax...
>
> > Cloud: "Barret, be careful. If you attack when it's tail is up,
TOM: It becomes incontinent.
>
> >it's fights back with a laser."
> >
> >Crow: It wants to enjoy that moment--
> >Mike: (Shuts Crow 's mouth) Next time is an arm up the keister.
CROW: [ flinches ] I don't even want to *think* about that!
> ALL: EWWW!!!!
>
> > Cloud: "All right, let's go."
> > 10 minutes before detonation
TOM: Oh, you attacked when its tail was up, didn't you?
> >
> >Tom: (Supermarket announcer voice) So shop wisely.
> >
> > Cloud: "Are you all right?"
MIKE: I'm fine. I'm a superhero.
> >
> > Jessie: "Damn!! I caught my foot...."
> >
> >Tom: Hey, neat-o! They swear in this one! Cool!
CROW: Heh-heh-heh, swear words are cool.
> TOM: (Sarcastic) Oh yeah. I just really love profanity.
>
> Cedric: No, it's called "relief from that bad Nintendo ratings code."
TOM: Um, Cedric? The Playstation is Sony.
>
> > Jessie: "Thank you!"
> >
> > Biggs: "Let's go."
> >
> > After the Explosion
MIKE: Whaaat?! We missed the explosion?
CROW: Boo! Hiss!
TOM: Kill the umpire!
> >
> >Crow: So.... Observer cut out the nifty movies and scenes? He'll
> >probably show us the Miss Midgar contest without the end! This really
> >bites!
> CROW: YEAH!!!
>
> > Jessie: "Come on, don't panic."
> >
> >Mike: (Hums the Hitchhiker's Guide to the galaxy theme)
> MIKE: Why did I do that?
CROW: [ Foghorn Leghorn ] Ah swear, he's about as sharp as a pillowsack of wet
mice.
>
> Cedric: Because "Don't Panic" is on the cover of the Hitchhiker's Guide
> to the galaxy!
>
> > Biggs: "Do you think we've given the planet... a little more
> >time?"
MIKE: 5 minutes, I'd guess.
> >
> > Wedge: "Probably."
> >
> > Barett: "......"
CROW: [ Barrett ] Uh, dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot.
TOM: That's Morse Code for... "eeeeee".
MIKE: Or "eis".
CROW: "Esi"?
MIKE: "Sei".
TOM: "Iii".
CROW: "Sie".
MIKE: "Eeh"?
CROW: "Ss".
TOM: "Ehe".
MIKE: I know! It's "hi"!
BOTS: Yeah!
> >
> >Mike: He's outacting all of you!
> SAMANTHA: Naw, he's merely being quiet.
CROW: You know what? For Samantha's birthday, let's get her a humor detector!
TOM: Hey, that's a great idea! I'll find the wrapping paper!
MIKE: I'm the only one with working hands, so I'll make the card!
>
> Mike: Can't you take a joke?
> Kevin: Can't you MAKE a joke?
>
> > Jesse: "Finished! Stand back."
CROW: Jesse or Jessie? Male or female? *You* decide.
> >
> > Barett: "All right, let's retreat."
ALL: Run awaaaaay!!
> >
> > Barett:
MIKE: Talkative bugger, ain't he?
> > "The rendezvous point is the No.8 Station! Everyone
> take
> >a separate route and meet there."
> >
> > Cloud: "H... Hey!"
CROW: [ Cloud ] Where are you going? Don't leave me behind!
> >
> >Crow: Do you guys have a note or something? I need proof of my
> >extra-curricular activity!
> TOM: (Cloud) Hey guys, get me out of this crappy MSTing!
ALL: Which one?
>
> > Barett: "We'll talk about money when we've safely arrived at
> >headquarters."
> >
> > Flower Girl: "Say."
TOM: Say what?
> >
> >Tom: Okay, "."
> MIKE: Lame.
>
> > Flower Girl: "What happened?"
CROW: The new Space Ghost CD is in stores now!
MIKE: It's a stampede of Cartoon Planet fans!
> >
> > 1. You should run
> >
> >Crow: Over to Menards!
>
> Cedric: In the old local Menards ads they had this busty teenage-ish
> girl
> advertise for them.
CROW: It's a busty teenage-ish girl of savings at Menards!
>
> ALL: Huh?
>
> > Flower Girl: "I should!? I don't know why, but I'll do what you
>
> >say."
ALL: Hmm...
> >
> > 2. Don't worry... anyhow
> >
> >Mike: I see you have weird hair, too.
> SAMANTHA: Aeris does not have wierd hair! It is very nice and stylish!
CROW: Are you kidding me? It's all lumpy!
MIKE: Like they made it out of clay!
> MIKE: Envious?
>
> Cedric: And Sam doesn't think of those two big bolts sticking up in the
> front!
TOM: I thought that was Tifa.
>
> > 2-1. Flowers are rare in these spots.
> >
> > Flower Girl: "Ah, this one. Would you like it? It costs 1 gold,
MIKE: One gold what? Necklace? Bar? Nugget? Leaf? Touch?
CROW: Gilt by association.
>
> >is that okay?"
> >
> >Tom: Hi, I'm betty, and I'll be your love interest for the night...
> CROW: Hey! Only I'm supposed to say something like that.
CROW: I hate that stereotyping.
TOM: Well, it's true.
CROW: Bite me.
>
> > 2-1-1. I'll take it
> >
> > Flower Girl: "Oh, thank you!"
> >
> > Flower Girl: "Yes!"
TOM: Spike it in the end zone!
> >
> > 2-1-2. I'll pass
MIKE: Unless I forget my homework.
> >
> >Mike: it to you later. Now it's the basic Statue of Liberty play,
> except
> >you fade back...
CROW: Into permanent obscurity.
> TOM: What would you know about football Mike? From what you told us
> about
> your days in college, you didn't play in any sports.
> MIKE: This is an alternate dimension version of me.
CROW: This am a alternate version of I.
>
> Kevin: I just realized that this is a lot like an IRC transcript!
TOM: Lots of babbling and no humor.
>
> > Flower Girl: "...A little disappointed."
MIKE: [ monotone, as "Flower Girl" ] I am disappointed.
> >
> > 2-2. No, it's nothing.
> >
> > Flower girl: "Again!
CROW: [ baby dinosaur ] Again!
> > Don't worry. Right, so, would you like a
> >flower? Only 1 gold."
> >
> >Tom: YOU MEAN GIL!
TOM: Maybe I do and maybe I don't. *You'll* never know.
> SAMANTHA: Okay, that is about the second mistake this fan fic has made,
> but that's about it.
MIKE: Since when is it a fanfic as opposed to a transcript?
TOM: Since everyone involved lost touch with reality and sanity.
>
> > 2-2-1.Ś I'll take it
> >
> >Mike: Here's two gold, baby, because that's just what you're worth.
> TOM: Say one more thing about her Mike and you're dead!
MIKE: Flower Girl.
TOM: Aaaaargh!!
> MIKE: What?
>
> Mike: I was impersonating Frank Sinatra....
CROW: And now, my impression of Frank Sinatra.
[ 5 seconds of silence ]
MIKE: <sigh> Only you, Crow.
CROW: Yeah, I know. Neat, huh?
>
> > Flower Girl: "Oh, thank you!"
> >
> > Flower Girl: "Here you go!"
> >
> > 2-2-2. I'll pass
MIKE: Gas?
> >
> > Flower Girl: "...A little disappointed."
TOM: Things just keep happening over and over and over again!
> >
> > "What just happened?"
CROW: How should I know? I don't work here.
> >
> >Tom: I talked to you.
> >
> > "Something written on the wall. Hmm...."
> >
> >Crow: For a good time, call Jessie at..
> CROW: Now that is just shameless.
CROW: Your point being?
>
> > "Do not be deceived by Shinra! Magic energy is not unlimited!
> >Magic is the life of the planet! The end will soon be near!
> >
> >Tom: That's what happens when you hire Nostradamus to make these
> things!
> >
> > The planet's saviors: Avalanche."
> >
> > Soldier: "Hey! You there!"
MIKE: Do you have a license for that sword, Mr. AAACK!
> >
> > Here, you will have a decision to make evrytime a guard spots
> >you.
> >
> > 1. Stay and fight
> >
> > 2. Run away.
ALL: Retreeeat!!
> >
> > -
> >
> > The Train Ride
> >
> > Wedge: "I see that Cloud didn't make it."
MIKE: He'll get an F in Living 101.
> >
> >Mike: (as Barret) Really? Then get out the noisemakers and party hats!
> ALL: HEY!
CROW: My mom was killed by a party hat!
MIKE: You don't have a mom.
CROW: I know I don't... now!
>
> > Biggs: "Cloud... I hope he wasn't killed."
> >
> >Tom: He owed me five bucks...
> >
> > Barett: "Grr...!! That rascal wouldn't die without getting his
> >money!!"
TOM: [ Cloud ] Bring me back to life, God! I gotta get that paycheck!
> >
> > Jesse: "Cloud..."
> >
> >Tom: But her name is Jessie!
> >Crow: No, the translator mainly speaks Japanese. You can't expect
> >perfect english from them all the time.
> TOM: You can't expect anything but hypocritism from our alternate
> dimension
> twins.
MIKE: "Hypocritism"?
CROW: It's a word now!
>
> > Biggs: "Say, do you think Cloud... will fight with Avalanche to
>
> >the end?"
CROW: Well, he's dead. That kinda puts a damper on things.
> >
> > Barett: "Beats me... I dunno. Tsk!! If you guys were more
> >reliable... we wouldn't have had to hire that guy."
> >
> > Wedge: "Uh, Barret, about our pay. Um, it's nothing..."
> >
> >Mike: THEM WHY BRING IT UP!?
TOM: If not them, then who?
> SAMANTHA: Hey, even a soldier's gotta eat.
>
> Bill: No, you misunderstand. This was in text, so Mike couldn't see the
> scene
> where Barret punches the crate.
MIKE: Oh, I can. I just don't care.
>
> > Avalanche: "Sigh..."
> >
> > Biggs: "Cloud!"
> >
> > Jessie: "Cloud..."
> >
> > Wedge: "Cloud!"
BOTS: [ singing ] Sing the praises of Cloud!
> >
> >Mike: Cloud!
> >Tom: Cloud!
> >Crow: Moron... Er, I mean Cloud!
CROW: Chief!
ALL: McCloud!!
> TOM: One more comment like that and it's time out for you.
>
> Cedric: You know, I feel bored. I think I'll sleep for a while.
MIKE: Quick, someone shock him!
> Bill: okay. I think I'll do that too.
> Joel: Me too.
> Mike: Kevin, tell us when the fanfic ends.
CROW: Someone request four shocks to the shammies here?
>
> > Cloud: "I guess I'm late."
> >
> > Barett: "Hey! Tardy boy!!
CROW: Tardy boy! Tardy boy!
> > What a way to make an entrance."
> >
> > Cloud: "Not really. About the usual."
> >
> > Barett: "Tsk!! What an irresponsible guy, making us all worry!"
TOM: [ Barrett ] You're just a big doodoo!
>
> >
> > Cloud: "So....? You were worried about me."
> >
> >Tom: (as Barret) How did you get that? It just COULDN'T be that you
> >found out by LISTENING TO WHAT I SAID!
> TOM: Like I would say that!
> SAMANTHA: But you did.
MIKE: Like you would say that!
TOM: But I didn't.
>
> > Barett: "What!! Tsk... I'll take your late fee from your pay.
> >Hey guys! We're changing cars. Follow me!"
> >
> >Crow: You know, that's a good way to get killed...
> >Mike: TRAIN cars, Crow.
MIKE: That's also a good way to get killed...
CROW: INSIDE train cars, Mike.
> MIKE: I completely missed whatever joke that was supposed to be.
CROW: Hang on, let me just check. Should I be surprised by this in any way?
>
> > Wedge: "Oh, Cloud!! Welcome back!"
> >
> > Biggs: "Heh, heh... Cloud! Good luck on our next mission."
> >
> >Mike: We're raiding the Intel corporation, just because we could only
> >afford to invest in Cyrix!
ALL: Duuuuhhhhh... whuh?
> ALL: HUH!
>
> > Jessie: "It's dangerous to leave these open."
CROW: [ Jessie ] So zip it back up.
> >
> > Jessie: "Oh my! Cloud!! Your face is pitch black..."
> >
> >Tom: (As Gabriel Knight) I love it when you pick stuff off my face...
> ALL: EWW!!!!
TOM: Grody to the max!
>
> > Jessie: "OK, finished!"
> >
> > Jessie: "Anyway, thanks for helping me at the magic reactor."
MIKE: Ever try not saving her at the station?
CROW: Sorry. You have to have her help with the codes.
MIKE: Dang.
> >
> > Last train departing from Midgar No.8 Station...
> >
> > Last stop, Slum Section 7.
> >
> >Crow: But they just left sector 8! How can they be going back when
> >Midgar is a circlular city? I mean, the train route you'll soon see
> >points that they're going counter-clockwise, the exact opposite way the
>
> >sectors were numbered!
MIKE: Maybe they're going around a few times.
TOM: It's the scenic route.
CROW: I'm a bit picky today, I guess.
> MIKE: Your twin there sure is a sensitive bot.
> CROW: Kind of sad. Tom's supposed to be the sensitive otaku.
> TOM: HEY!
> SAMANTHA: Come on guys, no fighting, we're just about done here.
> MIKE: Near the breaking point?
MIKE, TOM: SNAP!
> SAMANTHA: No, just really bored.
>
> > Predicted arrival time, Midgar Standard time, 12:23 A.M.
> >
> >Mike: Hey.... MST?
> TOM: Now there's a shameless plug if I ever did see one.
>
> Kevin: No, MST is abbreviation for Mystery Science Theater or Midgar
> Standard Time.
CROW: Uh, I think that was a joke.
>
> And the rest is a bunch of stuff that I myself wouldn't dare MiST.....
ALL: Dah!
MIKE: I think the MSTing just snapped under pressure.
> I
>
> hope I got my point through.
>
> E-mail me! Henr...@paulbunyan.net
CROW: Not on your life, buddy-boy.
>
>
>
MIKE: It's over!
TOM: Hooray!
CROW: Run! Escape! Move your keisters! Fleeeeeee!
[ And everyone does just that. ]
[ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ]
[ SOL. Mike and Tom are chatting. ]
MIKE: I'm worried.
TOM: What about?
CROW: [ off-screen ] Erg...
MIKE: Well, what we seem to have here is two fans of us who just don't get
humor. I hope this isn't a trend.
TOM: You have to look at it from their side.
[ During this conversation, Crow is pulling a rope across the screen. The rope
goes up to the ceiling, presumably through a pulley, and down to a
television set that it's tied to. ]
CROW: Eeerg...
TOM: The original MST was Cedric's first effort, so it's understandable that
it's lame.
CROW: Aaargh...
MIKE: And Jamie?
TOM: Probably Jamie is a big fan of FF7 who freaked and MSTed it without
thinking.
MIKE: Good point. Thanks.
CROW: Ergh...
MIKE: [ looks over at Crow ] Hm. Do I want to know?
CROW: Mike! Tie this somewhere, okay?
[ Mike bends down and ties the rope somewhere. He then stands up. ]
MIKE: So what's with the TV, Mr. Robot?
CROW: Well, in my continuing quest to max out your credit cards--
TOM: You already did that.
CROW: Not for five centuries, I haven't! [ He continues while Mike and Tom try
to make sense of this. ] Anyway, I've invited not one, but *two* people
to chat with us today: Cedric Henry and Jamie Jeans!
[ The hexfield opens as the television turns on, showing two young men (one
apiece). ]
TOM: So *that's* what the third light is for!
[ In the hexfield is a person five feet, six inches tall, with brown hair,
glasses, and a roundish face. This's Cedric Henry.
The person in the TV stands at about six feet, three inches tall, with a
medium build. He has very dark brown hair and eyes that are a mix of green
and brown. He's wearing cut off jeans and a tank top; on his left shoulder
is a Tazmanian Devil wielding a baseball bat and baseball, and on his right
shoulder is a black fire breathing dragon. This would be Jamie Jeans. ]
TOM: Oh, so you *are* male.
JAMIE: Huh?
TOM: Never mind.
CROW: So, you two, thanks for coming here.
CEDRIC: Oh, my pleasure.
JAMIE: Sure.
CROW: My first question goes to Cedric: why exactly did you decide to MST
Final Fantasy VII?
JAMIE: Because he's an RPG hater, perhaps.
CEDRIC: Shut up. It was my first MSTing; I just thought I could get some funny
jokes out of it.
JAMIE: Thought wrongly.
CEDRIC: Shut *up*.
CROW: OK, OK. Jamie, what made you decide to MST Cedric's MSTing?
JAMIE: Well, I was ticked at the slandering--
CEDRIC: In your exaggerated words.
JAMIE: --the *slandering* of such a great RPG. I felt I must do something to
redeem this piece of--
CEDRIC: Amazing literary work?
JAMIE: --piece of crap.
TOM: See, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, I was right again, say no more, say no
more!
CROW: All right. Mike, Tom, anything you want to ask?
MIKE: Where did Samantha Jones come from? Is she your creation?
JAMIE: Basically, I created Samantha Jones because I wanted a strong, female
character for a series of story I was writing. I was just getting into
Anime at the time and I was amazed and delighted by all the strong
female characters.
CEDRIC: Getting in touch with your feminine side, eh?
JAMIE: [ just scowls ]
TOM: Ced, who the heck are Bill and Kevin?
CEDRIC: They're the people who voic--wait, we're not supposed to know about
that.
JAMIE: Oh, now *that's* original. You wanna say something about Dale while
you're at it?
CEDRIC: All right, that tears it! [ Cedric walks out of the hexfield. We hear
stepping noises, and then Cedric appears in the TV next to Jamie. ]
You want to say that to my face?
JAMIE: Oh, is that your face? I thought it was your backside!
[ The two start fighting, and somehow, the camera gets smashed. The TV
switches to static. ]
CROW: Hm. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea after all.
[ The Commercial Sign flashes as the hexfield closes. ]
MIKE: I could've told you that. We'll be right back.
[ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of part 2 of 6
Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com
-or-
glee...@aol.com)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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