[MSTing] FFFFFF! (Part 6 of 6)
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The Final Fantasy Fan-Fiction Fun Fest!
MSTing by Shay Caron
Part 6 of 6: "Final Fantasy III: The New Returners", Part 4
[ SOL. Tom sits in the center of the screen, wearing a huge turban on top of
his head. Mike and Crow walk in and jump in surprise. ]
CROW: What's this?
TOM: Well, my true friends, I have discovered my true magical power over the
commercial break. I am now truly revealed as a true mind reader!
MIKE: A mind reader.
TOM: True.
CROW: You're serious.
TOM: Absolutely.
MIKE: OK, then what is John_-_Winston thinking right now?
TOM: I sense an intense desire for fame and fortune.
MIKE: Hmm, sounds about right.
CROW: How about McElwaine?
TOM: Same thing; mostly just the "fortune" part, though.
CROW: Dr. Thinker?
TOM: Despite the name, not much, really.
MIKE: Neuron?
TOM: His name fits; there's *one* in his head.
CROW: Oscar?
TOM: He's watching SWATKats. No, no, SwatKATS. SWATKATS. SwatKats. SWATkats!
However the heck you capitalize it.
MIKE: Creepy Guy?
TOM: Joel, Joel, Joel. Next?
CROW: OK, um, Stephen Ratliff.
TOM: Hmm. This's a tough one... I'm sensing a newsgroup name...
"rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc"?
[ a pause ]
CROW: What the heck is that?
[ The Movie Sign alarms go off. ]
MIKE: Doesn't matter, we got SquareSoft Sign!!
[ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ]
[ Everyone enters the theater. ]
> Final Fantasy III:
> The New Returners
CROW: As we've been told *over* and *over* again.
>
>
> While Magus recovers from a near-mortal wound, Zarok plots to recapture
> him--
TOM: Sheesh, the author must only be able to think of one plot.
MIKE: Yeah, all of part four is just padding.
> which sets the stage for our thrilling finale...
CROW: Yeah, we're thrilled that it's ending.
>
> Part 4
>
>
> Zarok brooded in his chambers.
MIKE: [ Zarok ] Brood brood brood.
> His master plot--which, as he proudly
> recalled,
CROW: Really didn't suck very much.
> was his most mischievous one yet--could never work without Magus. A magic
> user was, of course, essential when dealing with such things as he wished
> to do...
TOM: Such things as we don't know what they are...
> He cackled, a spine-tingling sound. His plan would go over yet, and he knew
> just the way to carry it out.
MIKE: Then he started watching TV, forgot what he was doing, and ordered a
pizza.
>
> * * *
>
> "Come on," Lucca said as Magus tried to walk toward her--
TOM: [ Lucca ] Come here! Good Magus! You want a treat?
> and stifled a
> giggle
> when Terra caught him, just as his legs folded under him for the third
> time.
CROW: He's Origami Man!
> "I feel like an imbecile," he muttered to himself as Terra helped him to
> his bed.
> "Hey, it's not your fault," Lucca said as she came toward him.
MIKE: [ Lucca ] You're just an idiot.
> "I'm actually
> surprised that you can even sit up. Someone without your stamina probably
> wouldn't even be conscious yet. As a matter of fact..."
TOM: [ Lucca ] The sky is blue because of simple light refraction. You see...
> Magus covered his ears, and managed to suppress a groan. Lucca's long-winded
> explanations made him sick to his stomach.
> "...so anyway,
CROW: [ Lucca ] And that's how you make popovers.
> your rehabilitation might take a while." He caught the last
> of it just as he took his hands off his ears.
> He sent her a look that said without words
CROW: "You bed-wetting doodyhead".
> 'I'm in no mood to cooperate,
> so just leave me alone or you'll be sorry.'
> A rather nervous look crossed Lucca's face, and she hurried away.
TOM: [ Lucca ] Mommy Mommy Mommy heeeeelp!!
> Magus was satisfied. No one escaped his influence for long...not even a
> friend.
MIKE: And not even Lucca.
>
> * * *
>
> "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
CROW: Noooo! Not a scene change!! Aaaaaaaaaaah!!
> screamed a rather unlucky soldier as the general
> strangled
> him.
MIKE: For having no breath, that's a pretty long scream.
TOM: Actually, he's very lucky. He won't have to sit through the rest of this
tripe.
> "That'll teach you to call me an old hag," she said after his dying shrieks
> had ceased.
> Funsworth, after a considerable amount of time spent upchucking beside her,
CROW: Rowr! Feisty!
> turned back toward her. "Don't you think that was a bit...harsh?"
ALL: Nope.
> She was already walking away, toward Zarok's lab. "Absolutely not," she
> called
> back. "Now, come on. We don't want to be late for Sir Zarok's big to-do."
CROW: Free hot dogs, remember?
> Funsworth ran after her, hoping that Zarok's new 'Project: Magic,' as he
> was calling it, would be as effective as he had heard.
MIKE: Heh, magic.
> Watch out, warlock, he thought as he entered Zarok's lab.
TOM: We have pie!
>
> * * *
>
> Cyan sat outside a room in the infirmary, reading a book.
CROW: "So Your Codpiece Is Too Tight".
MIKE: "Ten Steps to a Better Castle".
> Terra, relieved
> of her duties with Magus for a moment, walked toward him.
> "How is he?" she asked gently. "Worse," Cyan replied. "That healer girl says
> he's not going to make it." He frowned.
TOM: [ Cyan ] I don't like her.
> Terra went into the room, and Cyan followed. Celes and Marle, who were
> supposed
> to be tending Percy, stood silently at his bedside.
CROW: You imbeciles! Get back to work, slackers!
> A tear slid down Marle's cheek. "There's nothing more we can do for him,"
> she said, and quickly left the room.
MIKE: [ Marle ] I don't want them to see me burst into laughter.
> Celes looked equally sad, though she wasn't crying. "If magic can't help
> him," she said, "I don't know what will."
TOM: Magic, magic, he's our man, if he can't do it, no one can!
> Cyan moved over to the bedside, and looked down at the pale, motionless form
> of his best friend of seventeen years.
CROW: I never read that magazine.
> They had faced so much trouble
> together...the Phantom War, when Cyan had earned his position as the King
> of Doma's retainer...
MIKE: So he keeps the king's teeth straight. Big deal.
> the Ketteran Wars...the war with the Empire...and now,
> the first battle of the Zenobian War.
> "He--he never recovered from that arrow he took in his shoulder," Celes
> said,
> her voice breaking for the first time.
CROW: [ sound of glass shattering ]
> She sobbed. Cyan put his hand on her
> shoulder.
MIKE: [ Cyan ] Hey, you got a cute shoulder.
> Terra leaned over, and felt Percy's pulse...
>
> That night, Figaro Castle rang with sobs of mourning.
TOM: Oh, he lived.
>
> * * *
MIKE: And now, the Circus Interlude!
>
> "Interesting...yes, this is ingenious,"
TOM: "This one's dumb."
> said the general, as she studied
> the newest of Zarok's many inventions in his spacious laboratory.
> The huge triangular room, accessed from either the dungeon
CROW: Oh, now, *that's* a brilliant idea.
> or Zarok's own
> quarters,
CROW: And that's even *less* intelligent.
MIKE: One room connects Zarok's bedroom with the dungeon. I think we're in for
some wacky contrivances here, fellas!
> was relatively clean. On the left side, near the mahogany-board
> walls, were the cages for the subjects of his genetic experiments,
TOM: The fool. Trying to clone sheep? It'll never work.
> and near
> the right wall was a table with chemistry equipment. Except for some other
> assorted tools and experiments-in-progress, everything else had been put
> away in a nearby storage room.
MIKE: Sure, I bet he just stuffed it all in the nearest closet.
> "He's been doing his spring cleaning," Funsworth said to her.
> She walked over, closer to the huge contraption, which was attached to the
> wall. It was a gigantic mess of tubes, wires, and other assorted components,
CROW: It's a massive nose-hair trimmer!
> all of which converged at a chair on the floor--one with fastened-on
> shackles
> that looked as if it might once have been part of an electric chair.
TOM: Oh, for fun.
> Zarok strode over to them from the entrance which led to his quarters.
> "What do you think of it?" he called to them.
MIKE: [ OK sign ] It stinks!
> As he got closer, Funsworth said, "It's interesting...but...what is
> it?"
CROW: It's a thingy.
> "I'm calling it the Interpersonage Magic Transferral and Siphoning Device,
> or the IMTSD.
TOM: "I'M Too Stupid to Die".
MIKE: I know people like that.
> It drains magic from whoever is hooked up to that--" his
> furry,
> clawed hand pointed to the chair with the attached shackles--
MIKE: [ Zarok ] And then it spits it out into deep space. I'm working on that
last part.
> "and then the
> magic can either be stored for later use, or be transferred to another
> person."
> Understanding dawned on the general's face
CROW: [ general ] You're doing all of this just to impress me!
TOM: [ Zarok ] All right, I admit it! I love you!
> (though no one could see it,
> since
> she'd put her cloak back on long ago). "I see. You want to give our troops
> magical ability, and use it to conquer the world. Very
> clever."
TOM: Except for the "take over the world" thing. That's old as sliced bread.
And I don't mean "pre-sliced".
> Very clever indeed, she thought to herself. I will have to keep
> Zarok's plans in mind if I ever attempt to take over Vehs.
MIKE: [ general ] Mu wu ha ha ha.
> "Exactly." Zarok rubbed his paws together greedily. "Of course we'll want
> the most powerful magic-user we can get our hands on, so our plan is
> clear."
TOM: Give up and go home.
> He cackled, and nearly howled.
TOM: [ Zarok ] Who pulled my tail?!
> Crystal clear, the general thought, as an evil grin spread across
> her face. Now, young prophet, you will feel my wrath at last...
MIKE: Ultra Game Players sketch time!
CROW: Now you shall all feel my wrath!!
TOM: No!! Not that!!
MIKE: What's a wrath?
CROW: You shall dance the Bossa Nova FOR ETERNITY!!!
MIKE: No!! I've got TWINKLE TOES!!!
TOM: One, two, cha cha cha!!
MIKE: Whoo! That was fun.
CROW: I like the Evil Antler God.
TOM: I miss Gamer X.
>
> * * *
>
> __________________________________________________________
CROW: Oh, I was wondering when we would get to the "straight line".
>
> Dear Father,
CROW: Bite me.
>
>
>
>
> I asked Crono to take this letter to you.
TOM: "How much you wanna bet he doesn't?"
> Don't
TOM: "Answer that."
> worry, I'm safe
> and in good health,
CROW: "See, there's this monster here that ate me, and his name's 'Good
Health'."
> but right now my old friends (remember them
MIKE: "Yes, Dad, I *do* have friends."
> from the "Heroes of the World" awards banquet?) and I are
> exploring an entirely new dimension.
CROW: A dimension of sight and sound...
> Also, Magus (you know, the
> Ice Age prince-turned-wizard?) got hurt pretty badly, so I'm
> stuck here in Figaro Castle helping tend to him
MIKE: Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
> and some other
> wounded people after a big battle we just helped the locals win.
> Also, King Edgar (the king here--
TOM: "I mean, duh."
> I did say we were staying in a
> castle, right?)
CROW: "I'm too lazy to look back and see."
> sends his most cordial greetings and wishes to meet
> you if at all possible. (That's an exact quote.)
MIKE: So shouldn't it be in quotation marks?
CROW: Not if it's an indirect quote.
TOM: But then it wouldn't be exact.
MIKE: I suddenly remember why we had the Grammar-Flamer-Sorter-Dumper.
> There's a lot more
> to tell, but
CROW: "I was asleep and missed it all."
> I'm afraid I don't have time. Bye for now!
>
>
> Your loving daughter,
TOM: RuPaul.
>
>
>
>
> Nadia
ALL: Waaugh!
CROW: Snuck up on us!
>
> _______________________________________________________
>
>
> King Guardia read the note with an expression of extreme relief on his face.
TOM: [ KG ] Oh, *man*, did I ever have to go!
> He looked up from the letter and said to Crono, who was standing before his
> throne, "Tell Nadia...
MIKE: [ KG ] She's adopted.
> to be back soon."
> Crono smiled uncomfortably. "Okay. I guess I'll go now." The king nodded.
> Crono raced back to the Vortex.
TOM: [ Crono ] I gotta get away from that weirdo!
>
> * * *
>
> In the blackness of midnight,
CROW: Hey! That's "African-Americanness of midnight".
> a solitary figure
MIKE: And what a figure it is, eh?
TOM: Wooo!
> flew toward the dark,
> hulking
> shape of Figaro Castle.
MIKE: Grrr, Castle smash!
> The figure reached the gate, and, finding no guards,
CROW: Paused for a moment to pity the poor saps inside.
> entered.
> The figure--
TOM: All ri--
> the general--
TOM: Ah, crap.
> let down her hood. No guards at all, she
> observed as she looked around.
MIKE: [ general ] How stupid are these people?
> This is entirely too easy.
CROW: I know! It's a trap! That's it!
TOM: You're giving them too much credit.
> She started across the large courtyard, over to a door which read
> 'Infirmary.' She pushed it open, and went in.
CROW: [ general ] Give me NYQUIL!
> I wonder...is he here, or has he recovered already? she thought to
> herself as she looked into the various rooms. She peeked into one and saw
> a coffin, lying on a low platform beside a bed.
MIKE: Oh, she's looking for Dracula.
TOM: Lucky break!
> She scowled. That better not be him, she thought as she walked over
> to open it. She stooped over, lifted the lid, and...
TOM: "I'm not dead yet!"
MIKE: "I got better!"
CROW: [ general ] Sure ya did, Lazarus.
> The pale, dark-haired figure was definitely not Magus. Good, she thought.
> I won't have to bring Zarok a corpse.
CROW: [ general ] Although it would be *really* fun.
> She continued to search each room, until she came to the very last one.
> You'd better be in here, prophet, she thought as she entered.
MIKE: "And what if I'm not? Oop!"
> She looked around the room. Even with the dark of night cloaking everything
> in blackness, she saw that the only furniture in the room was a bed.
CROW: Ah, it's no big deal. She's just got a flashlight.
> In it,
> a sleeping figure could barely be seen among the encroaching shadows.
> She moved closer, and murmured a few arcane syllables.
MIKE: Nanu nanu.
> The little ball of
> were-light she had summoned cast a pale greenish light; with its help she
> was able to see that the person had blue hair and large, pointed ears.
> She couldn't help but cackle softly at her triumph.
TOM: [ general ] I've got you, my pretty, and your pointy ears, too!
>
> * * *
>
> <Masa! Mune! I need you...>
MIKE: <To make me some coffee!>
> The telepathic cry woke Masa from his dormant sleep. He immediately reverted
> from his sword form, leaving only half a sword in Glenn's sheath.
CROW: Now how would you like it if he did that in the middle of a battle?
TOM: Ouch.
> <Janus, is that you?> he called out.
MIKE: <No, it's George Burns. OF COURSE it's me!!>
> <It's me,> Magus answered. <Zarok has me again. Right
> now I'm faking unconsciousness, but I don't know how long that will fool
> them.>
CROW: Not long, I bet; they seem marginally smarter than the good guys.
> <Why do they want you?> Masa asked.
TOM: <I mean, no one *else* does.>
> <They want me for some experiment,> came the reply, this time
> fainter. <I think they're going to
MIKE: <Send me cheesy movies, the worst they can find.>
> try to drain my
> magic...>
> After a long pause, Magus continued, but this time his thoughts were fainter
> still. <My strength is going...
CROW: [ baseball announcer ] Going... going... it's outta here!
TOM: [ auctioneer ] Going once... going twice... sold to the man with the
prosthetic forehead!
> have to break off the connection...
MIKE: <Blasted AOL...>
> see
> y...lat..r......>
CROW: Uh, Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel.
> "I hope he's okay," Masa murmured to himself. "He must be weak if he can't
> even keep up a telepathic connection."
> Masa worried long into the night.
MIKE: Instead of getting up and telling everybody.
TOM: Is there one sensible being in this entire fanfic?
>
> * * *
MIKE: And now, we take a random scene change to, er... some unknown place...
between last week and the end of the millenium.
>
> Zarok howled happily.
CROW: He's Paul the Warwilf!
> Now that Magus was in his possession, he could go
> about
> his work without any trouble.
TOM: Finally, he can get that crossword puzzle done!
> Of course, he hadn't forgotten what had happened the last time he'd captured
> Magus.
MIKE: There was toilet paper *everywhere*!
> Those Returners and their new allies had easily overpowered Funsworth
> and the general.
CROW: With their foul odor.
> But this time, when his newly hired guards reported for
> duty, no one would be able to get past them.
CROW: Not even the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.
> The guards--one man and one woman--were extremely credible. They had
> numerous
> references as mercenaries,
MIKE: You should just *see* their resumes.
> and it was said that they'd only failed at one
> job--
CROW: McDonald's.
> their first one, working for some wizard/warlord, whose name Zarok
> couldn't remember. He heard a creaking behind him,
MIKE: [ Zarok ] Whoa, 'scuse me.
> and turned just as his
> newly hired guards came in through his chamber door.
> "Slash, Flea," Zarok said. "Welcome."
TOM: These people sound like pro wrestlers.
>
> * * *
CROW: Starstarstar.
>
> Slash scowled.
CROW: [ Slash ] I hate my name.
> "Get to the point," he said. "We don't have all
> day."
> Slash, you dolt, Flea thought to herself.
MIKE: [ Flea ] You've got a great name!
> Don't get us fired
> again!
> Life had been hard for the pair lately.
MIKE: Look out! Incoming backstory!
> Since Magus had defected
TOM: I'm not cleaning that up.
> to the
> humans
> and Ozzie had disowned the two of them after their defeat at his fort,
CROW: I thought he died.
MIKE: Nah, he just broke a few... hundred... bones.
> they
> had been working as mercenaries, taking jobs wherever they could get them.
> Then one fateful day, Slash had fallen into a strange portal, pulling Flea
> in with him--and their lives had changed forever...
TOM: [ He starts humming the "Simpsons" theme. ]
MIKE: I keep waiting for Sonic the Hedgehog to show up.
> But at the moment, Flea didn't have time to reminisce. "I have a prisoner
> I need you to guard," Zarok explained. "Some allies of his have attempted
> to break him out once before, but we recaptured him.
CROW: [ Zarok ] His allies are real morons, I'm afraid.
> I have some...special
> plans for him." He grinned evilly.
MIKE: If you know what I mean, nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
> "I'd like to see this prisoner," Flea said.
TOM: [ Zarok, nervously ] What, do you think I'm just making all of this up?
Heh-heh-heh...
> "All in due time," said Zarok. "In the meantime, I'd like you to meet my
> two generals..."
>
> * * *
TOM: Asteriskasteriskasterisk.
>
> Terra, dressed in a black sheath dress instead of her pinkish-red armor,
CROW: Oh, casual day at Figaro Castle.
> let her jaw drop open.
MIKE: She's really let her jaw go.
> "How could they do this!?" she finally exclaimed.
> "I don't know how they did it," Edgar, who was wearing a simple black tunic
> and trousers,
CROW: Big T, little t, what begins with T?
TOM: Tunic, trousers, Teletubbies, T, T, T.
> said. "But I do know that my night watchmen aren't going to
> keep their
CROW: Say heads!
> jobs
CROW: Awww!
> very much longer."
> "Wait a second," said Masa, who was standing beside Mune. "When he contacted
> me, he said they were going to try to drain his magic."
MIKE: Just one flush and--
CROW: Oh, stop it.
> Celes frowned. "Is that possible?" Glenn wondered.
> "In theory, yes," said Lucca, "but
TOM: [ Lucca ] I actually have no idea what I'm talking about.
> the parts needed to build a machine to
> do that would take up a space at least the size of the Epoch. Could Zarok
> possibly have that much room to spare?"
TOM: Well, he might have to move some stuff to the attic, but...
CROW: He has a whole *castle*. I think he could find the room.
> "But wait a second," said Edgar. "What if he mounted all those parts on a
> wall..."
TOM: The wall would fall over.
> "Of course!" Lucca exclaimed. "Then there would be enough room!"
> "That wouldn't...hurt Magus, would it?" asked Marle.
MIKE: Having enough room? Of course not!
> "It depends on the amount of time allotted to drain the magic," Lucca said.
> "If they drain it too fast,
CROW: Their pipes'll clog up.
> the pressure caused by the moving force of the
> magical energy could cause his heart and lungs to implode.
TOM: Just like on "Ren & Stimpy"!
> In other words,
> he'd be toast."
MIKE: Crunchy, buttered, and great with eggs!
> Everyone groaned, and this time Lucca's 'scientific' explanation wasn't the
> only reason.
CROW: Mike's pun was the other.
>
> * * *
MIKE: Tribbletribbletribble.
>
> Funsworth watched as Zarok strapped Magus to the IMTSD.
CROW: Interstellar Mold Transporting Slime Dinger.
> Magus, forever
> rebellious, attempted to bite Zarok's right hand.
> He hit his target.
TOM: Tastes like chicken.
> "Oooooowwwwwww!! Why you *%#$@!!!
TOM: [ Zarok ] Why you 5 random symbols!!!
> I'll turn you into a gargoyle after
> I've stolen your magic! We'll see how rebellious you are after I take
> control
> of your mind, expletive deleted !!!!!
CROW: The CDA 2 gets into the video games.
MIKE: Just Say No To C*****ship.
> Funsworth, get me a
> bandage!!!"
> Funsworth quickly did as he was told. When he came back with a gauze
> bandage,
> scissors and bandage tape, Zarok was sitting in a chair
TOM: [ Zarok ] Um, I appear to be stuck.
> and looked a bit
> calmer, though he was still muttering swear words. Slash and Flea were
> watching
> Magus, who seemed to be both fascinated and horrified by their presence.
CROW: [ Magus ] Hey, wow, how'd you guys get OH MY GOD!!
>
> "Here you are, sir," he said as he handed Zarok the things. Zarok growled
> in Magus's direction. "Turn on the IMTSD,"
MIKE: Invisible MegaTron Smashing Doohickey.
> he said.
> Again, Funsworth did as he was told.
TOM: He's *the* classic lackey.
>
> * * *
CROW: Fuzzfuzzfuzz.
>
> "Deja vu," Marle whispered as they snuck through Zarok's dungeon.
MIKE: I feel like Yogi Berra.
> "Tell me about it," said Crono.
TOM: [ Crono ] Nobody comes here anymore because it's too crowded.
> "I wonder how many times we'll have to do
> this?"
> "Hopefully this'll be the last time," said Celes, who was in front of them
> navigating with her maps.
CROW: On the plus side, she's getting a *lot* of use outta those things.
> "Shush," said Terra, who, knowing the way, ran on ahead until she was out
> of sight.
> "She'll likely get herself into trouble,"
TOM: "And enjoy it."
> said Lucca. "Crono, why don't you
> go after her?" Crono ran after her.
> Lucca smiled at no one in particular. "That works every time."
CROW: Hey, over here!
>
> * * *
MIKE: Cronocronocrono.
>
> Once Funsworth switched on the IMTSD, all Magus could sense was pain.
TOM: It's a Magus Torture Silly Device!
> Pain
> filled every inch of his being. He turned to his memories, as if the pain
> in them could overpower what he was now feeling......
CROW: ............
MIKE: Got enough periods there?
> All Janus could think was that these Mystics would kill him. They were
> magical beings, and he had no magic to give.
> One of them, an ugly, very obese green-skinned one,
TOM: It's one of those zucchini pods!
> turned around in the
> little carriage and spoke to him. "Hey, kid," it said, "I'm Ozzie the
> Second,
CROW: Some people. They get a name like "Ozzie", and they actually pass it on
to their kid.
> and we're takin' you to see the Grand Master. You got a lot of magic
> potential,
> ya know. What's yer name?"
MIKE: VanGunterfassenson. Jethro VanGunterfassenson.
> Janus summoned up all his courage. "J--Janus."
> The creature who was Ozzie the Second
TOM: Isn't he still?
MIKE: The creature formerly known as Ozzie.
> laughed heartily.
CROW: [ Ozzie ] Man, that's a stupid name!
> "Well, kid, it
> ain't no more! When we get through with you, you'll be the next
> Magus."
TOM: How many have there been?
CROW: He'll be *Magus* the Second.
> Janus gulped. He'd once heard someone say that a Magus would someday be
> summoned
> to lead an army of Mystics against the humans. But how could that
> be him?
MIKE: I mean, look at him! Sheesh!
> He didn't have any magic. He couldn't use a weapon. He wasn't a
> Mystic.
> He wasn't even royalty anymore!
CROW: Oh, excommunication?
> What could he do?
> Somehow Ozzie the Second knew what he was thinking. "You'll see," he said,
> with a laugh that was more evil than it was anything else. "You'll see what
> we'll do with ya..."
TOM: [ Ozzie ] We're gonna dress you up like a girl and hang you from the
flagpole.
>
> Magus opened his eyes.
CROW: Then he closed them, opened them, and closed them again.
> He was sweating, his vision was blurry, his breathing
> was fast and shallow, and the pain seemed worse than before.
MIKE: [ Zarok ] Slash! Stop poking him with that pencil.
> From what he could tell, Flea--who was still watching him--seemed nervous.
> Probably worried that I'll teleport away and she'll lose her paycheck,
> the traitor,
TOM: [ Magus ] The big booger.
> he thought, anger and empathy welling up within him at the
> same time.
> That brought on another memory......
MIKE: Those wiggly flashback effects always make my eyes hurt.
> "The Grand Master will have my hide if he finds out I'm here--not to mention
> that Ozzie's son will tell on us every chance he gets," Janus whispered to
> Flea as he plopped down on her bed.
CROW: [ Flea ] Ew, not on the bed! Yuck!
TOM: I believe the author could've found a better term than "plopped down".
> "Well, this won't take long," said Flea. "Remember you told me today was
> your birthday?"
> She grinned as she pulled a small, flat package out from under her pillow.
MIKE: How sweet. She got him a pocket protector.
> "Open it," she whispered as she handed it to him.
> Janus eagerly took the package and pulled off the brown wrapping.
CROW: Oh, it's a dirty magazine.
> "Secret of Evermore! I've been trying to get a copy of this for a
> month! Thanks!" He hugged her.
CROW: "Secret of Evermore"? The SNES RPG by Square?
MIKE: OK, I'm gonna go drive off a cliff now. Anyone want to join me?
CROW: Me!
TOM: I call shotgun!
CROW: I call drivers' seat!
MIKE: You can't drive!
CROW: I'm sure as heck not gonna let that stop me!
> "Friends forever, right?" she said, holding her hand out in their usual
> 'secret handshake' gesture.
TOM: Hey! Watch that middle finger.
> "You got it," Janus said, doing the same. "Friends forever."
MIKE: [ Flea ] Or until I get paid to help murder you.
>
> * * *
>
> Flea shuddered. "Are you all right?" asked Slash.
> "I can't watch this anymore," she said. "Let's go over here. I've got
> something
> to discuss with you..."
>
> * * *
CROW: That has to be the shortest scene yet.
MIKE: Not by much, though.
>
> Crono's long-legged stride quickly brought him down the wide corridor, into
> the spacious laboratory where Magus was being held.
MIKE: OK, no one repeat any jokes, all right?
TOM: I don't have enough of an attention span to remember the jokes we made
last time.
> As he came in, ignoring
> Terra clashing swords with a soldier right in front of him, he gazed up at
> the huge magic-draining contraption on the wall.
CROW: [ Crono ] Oh my god it's TIPPING OVER!!
> Amid the mess of tubes and
> circuits, he saw Magus attached to it. He rushed around Terra
MIKE: [ Crono ] Um, 'scuse me, could you get out of my way for a second,
please? Terra? MOVE IT!
> to try to help
> Magus, but stopped as a blue-green bolt blew up one side of the machine.
TOM: D'oh, not the right time to light a match.
> The spellcasters came rushing around from the right, ready for battle.
>
> Crono couldn't believe his eyes.
CROW: Austin Powers and Dr. Evil!
> It was Slash and Flea.
>
> * * *
MIKE: Pinetreepinetreepinetree.
>
> As Flea ran, she noticed Crono. "We'll take over here," she called to him.
TOM: As opposed to letting Zarok take over?
> "You and your friends better stop the general and Funsworth before they can
> warn Zarok!"
CROW: When did he leave?
TOM: [ Dr. Evil ] I'm just going to leave the room and assume that everything
goes according to plan.
> "Good advice," said Celes as she and the rest finally caught up. "Come on!"
> Crono called to them. Terra quickly vanquished the soldier
MIKE: [ Terra ] Bang, you're dead.
> and ran off with
> Crono. The others followed suit.
> Flea ran up to the IMTSD
CROW: Information Morph Train Socks Dragged.
> and frantically began trying to pull the mess of
> tubes and wires off of Magus. "Let me give it a try," said Slash
TOM: [ Slash ] I used to be on "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", you know.
> as he
> unsheathed
> his sword.
> "I don't think so,"
MIKE: Tim.
> said Funsworth from behind them. "Put down your
> weapon," he commanded, "or suffer the consequences."
TOM: Truth or Consequences!
> Slash and Flea slowly
> turned around, and Slash decided to put down his sword.
> They were surrounded...
>
> * * *
MIKE: By Commander Riker's shirt collar.
>
> "Got them!" came a shout from the corridor leading to Zarok's private
> chambers.
> Slash moaned. "What are we going to do now?" he said. "I should have known
> not to go along with this cockamamie plan!"
CROW: Heh-heh, he said "plan".
> A group of soldiers, along with Zarok and the lady general, brought out
> Celes,
> Crono and the others. "We're dooooomed,"
TOM: That's what we've been saying all this time.
> Lucca groaned, sounding a lot like
> a certain golden droid in a galaxy long ago and far, far away.
MIKE: "Wait, we're not supposed to know about that."
> Zarok sneered. "Well, look how brave you are now," he said. "You're all
> fools,
> you know.
ALL: We know!
> Now that I have you here, I can invade Figaro, and nothing will
> stand in my way." He guffawed. "And, I now have several new candidates for
> my IMTSD!"
MIKE: It Might Take Some Doing.
> "Speaking of which," he continued, "now that I have an audience, let me show
> you just what is going to happen to your little friend."
> He walked over to a panel beside the IMTSD,
TOM: Um... I can't do it. My mind is blank.
MIKE: There, there.
> and examined a meter which was
> rising by the minute. "His magic is almost completely drained," he said,
CROW: It's been reading this fanfic too?
> and turned back to them. "Of course, I'm sure you realize that he depends
> too much on his magical energy to lose it. When I'm finished, he'll be
TOM: [ Zarok ] All purple and wrinkly.
> nothing
> more than a lifeless husk!" He cackled.
> <No. I won't let you do this...>
CROW: I've never seen *that* HTML code before.
> Zarok jumped. "What was that!?" The general looked alarmed.
MIKE: [ Zarok ] I am alarmed.
> Marle grinned. "One word, dogface:
CROW: Applesauce?
MIKE: Lederhosen?
TOM: Not this again!
MIKE: That's three words.
> telepathy."
> A figure, a familiar one, appeared in a shimmering mist. Magus summoned all
> his strength, and
TOM: Ended the story.
> raised his head to look.
> "Leave my friends alone," said Schala.
>
> * * *
>
> "Schala!" Crono exclaimed.
ALL: Gesundheit!
> The lady general sauntered up to her.
CROW: "Sauntered"?
TOM: Author got a thesaurus for Christmas.
> "I should have known you'd come along
> and ruin everything! At this rate, I'll never get my revenge!"
> Schala narrowed her eyes. "Stop pouting, Schala."
CROW: [ to "Old McDonald" ] Here a Schala, there a Schala, everywhere a
Schala, Schala...
> Marle's jaw dropped. "You mean she's Schala too? What's going
> on!?"
MIKE: Uninspired authoring.
> The general, Schala, ripped off her cloak
ALL: Whoa!
CROW: That was *not* expected.
> and drew her scimitar. "I am
> Schala
TOM: Yes, we've established that.
> the Knightress, former bodyguard and
MIKE: Apparently very annoying.
> namesake to the Great Princess of Zeal.
> When this...this...pig
CROW: Soo-ee!
> of a prophet arrived at Zeal Palace, he took
> my place!!! I was exiled from Zeal,
TOM: That's kinda harsh. All she did was lose her job!
> all because of him, and I
> swore revenge! And I would have gotten it--"
MIKE: [ Schala ] If it weren't for those meddling kids!
> she glared at the other Schala
> "--if you hadn't shown up!!"
> "But...why does she look so much like you?" Marle asked.
TOM: Cloning accident.
> "I don't have time to explain now," Schala (the princess) said. "Look
> up..."
> Zarok howled unhappily
MIKE: He just howls no matter what happens, doesn't he?
> as tremors began to shake the ground.
CROW: And, by a random twist of fate, an earthquake comes along.
> "The IMTSD's
CROW: [ Zarok ] Really kind of a stupid idea.
> computer is overloading!" he said. "The whole place'll come apart!" As he
> spoke, large chunks of the ceiling began to fall.
TOM: So stop speaking, then!
> "Somebody get Magus and let's get out of here!" Crono yelled as they all
> scrambled for cover.
MIKE: They're undercover agents.
> Slash and Flea quickly rushed out and retrieved him,
> barely dodging pieces of the IMTSD as it folded in on itself.
> "Get that blue vial!"
MIKE: We can make the monster grow with it!
CROW: What about the tote bag?
> Lucca called to them. "It's got his magic!" Flea
> grabbed
> it, and everyone ran towards the dungeon exit.
> "Gimme Magus!" Crono yelled to Flea over the noise of the collapsing palace.
TOM: [ Crono ] He owes me money!
> Flea gave the unconscious Magus to Crono, who had a much easier time
> carrying
> him. "Where do we go?" he yelled to Celes.
CROW: [ Celes ] In the bathroom, you fool!
MIKE: [ Celes ] France.
TOM: [ Celes ] I thought *you* had the maps!
> "Everybody follow me!" Celes yelled. "I know the way out!" The entire
> dungeon
> collapsed, just as they reached the end of it.
CROW: Well, how conveeeeenient.
> "Let's go!" yelled Celes.
>
> * * *
TOM: Finally, we're out of that idiotic scene.
MIKE: Yeah, but there's still two or three more.
CROW: How do you know?
MIKE: Take a look at that scroll bar thingy at the right side of the screen.
CROW: Ah.
>
> Crono laid Magus on the ground, still within hearing range of the deathly
> rumbling of the collapsing Grand Palace.
CROW: Oh, it's *so* Grand.
> Terra, holding the blue vial,
> rushed
> over and kneeled beside him.
> Magus coughed and sputtered, and managed to speak in a wobbly, hoarse voice.
MIKE: [ Magus ] Give... my regards... to Broadway...
> "I...I'm...dying," he said, then fell silent, as if he could hear Death's
> footsteps.
TOM: Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, *clomp*. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap,
tap, tap, *clomp*.
MIKE: Spider with a peg leg, right?
> "I know," Terra whispered.
TOM: [ Terra, whispering ] And I'm glad.
> Schala knelt down beside her, and as Terra poured
> the liquid magic
CROW: That sounds like some drug's slang name.
> into his mouth, Schala began to sing:
ALL: Nooooo!
> Tree and leaf and vine and twig,
MIKE: Things you don't want to find in your underwear drawer.
> All forces that give life,
MIKE: Oh, that too.
> Your power we now need,
>
> Bird and beast and fish and fowl,
TOM: Things you might find at a buffet!
> All forces who courage know,
TOM: I was gonna say that!
> Your brav'ry we now need,
> Asputo, sigana, tialchis, narexa, logu...
CROW: Disputing, signature, dial this, maracas, logarithm...
> Mitchasssa!
ALL: Mitchell!!
>
> Magus, and the blue liquid, began to sparkle. When the last of it was poured
> into his mouth, he started to hover--clearly not by his own power.
CROW: Oh, *clearly*.
> Then he slowly dropped to the ground. His feet touched soil.
MIKE: OK, who soiled the ground?
> He smiled at Terra, and for the first time in his life, it was a genuine
> smile.
> "Thanks," he said. "I needed that."
TOM: Ba-dum-bum!
>
> * * *
>
> The huge crowd, gathered in Figaro Castle's courtyard, cheered as Edgar
> stepped
> up to the podium.
ALL: Booo!
MIKE: Get off the stage!
TOM: You nut, get out of town!
> "Ladies and gentlemen, fellow Returners," he said, "the battle is
> won!"
CROW: [ Edgar ] And the battles are two!
> A gigantic cheer welled up from the crowd.
> "Today," he continued, "I would like to recognize ten special people who
> tipped the odds of this conflict in our favor--
MIKE: Let's see, there's Wakko Warner...
CROW: John Berry...
TOM: Charles Robert Spencer...
MIKE: Natalie Rose Port...
CROW: Lindesfarne Dewclaw...
TOM: Ethan Gordon...
MIKE: Shay Caron, of course....
CROW: Noah Ringman...
TOM: We'd also, incidentally, like to thank Joel Schumacher for having
nothing to do with this...
MIKE: Jack Frost...
CROW: Mommy dearest...
ALL: And a partridge in a pear treeeee!
> Crono, Marle, Lucca, Glenn,
> Ayla, Robo, Magus, Schala, Slash, and Flea!"
ALL: Booooo!!
> The ten, who were standing to
> one side of the podium, were handed certificates by Terra.
> Then, Magus stepped up next to Edgar at the podium. "I would also like to
> give special recognition to Magus, without whom I wouldn't be standing here
> today."
CROW: Who said that? Magus?
MIKE: I think we can safely say that Magus would not exist without Magus.
> He placed a medal, hanging on a colorful ribbon, around Magus's
> neck.
MIKE: And he choked to death.
> The crowd cheered.
> Magus bowed a suitably princely bow.
CROW: And he fell over.
> "It was my pleasure, even if you
> didn't deserve it," he said with a smirk. Terra covered her giggles with
> her hand, and most of the crowd laughed as well.
TOM: [ crowd ] Hee-hee, we enjoy verbal abuse.
> Edgar smiled. "And now, it is my pleasure to announce that these ten heroes
> will be joining a new force of adventurers, dedicated to fighting evil
CROW: [ singing ] By moonlight...
> across
> all universes: meet the first official members of the New Returners!"
> The cheering could be heard for miles.
TOM: "Release the lions!"
>
> * * *
>
> Epilogue
MIKE: Lemme guess, Zarok lives and swears to get revenge.
>
>
> Cold and miserable, Zarok stood on a barren hill not far from his ruined
> palace.
MIKE: What'd I tell ya?
> He assumed that none of his soldiers or generals had survived,
> though
> he couldn't be sure, and he knew that none of his possessions could be
> salvaged.
MIKE: [ Zarok ] I will avenge my bowling trophies!!
> He burned with anger...toward the Returners...toward Edgar...but especially
> toward Magus.
CROW: The stupid doody-head.
> "I'll get you!!! ALL OF YOU!" he screamed.
TOM: And your LITTLE DOG TOO!!!
> "I'LL BE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!"
MIKE: FROM THE GROCERY STORE!!!!!!!!!!!!
CROW: So he's this universe's Dr. Thinker?
>
> * * *
>
> So, the story of the first meeting is ended.
> But the Final Fantasy never ends,
CROW: Odd, seeing as it's the "Final" Fantasy.
> and there are many stories yet to be
> told......
ALL: Spare us!
>
> Final Fantasy III:
> The New Returners
>
> The End
TOM: No matter how much I see those two words, they never fail to excite me.
CROW: Same here, only they never fail to make me visit "Excite!".
[ Everyone leaves the theater. ]
[ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ]
[ SOL. Tom's hoverskirt is duct-taped to the countertop. He is attached by a
whole bunch of wires to a large box with random switches, knobs, and levers
atop it (all constructed of cardboard). Crow, of course, is operating the
box (rather clumsily). Enter Mike. ]
MIKE: Hm.
CROW: Hee hee.
TOM: Help.
MIKE: Ahem.
CROW: [ looks over at Mike ] Uh-oh.
MIKE: Yeah, uh-oh. Let me take a wild guess. After reading that fanfic in the
theater--
TOM: Mm-hmm?
MIKE: --your imaginations have been peaked--
CROW: Yeah...
MIKE: --and now you're trying to drain Tom's magic.
TOM: After he's done, I get a turn.
MIKE: Sure. And how, Crow, does that cardboard machine work?
CROW: It's a Rube Goldberg device. [ He opens the side of the box facing the
screen, showing Paul Chaplin's head. Mike does a double-take. ]
PAUL: Hi. I'm Rube Goldberg. [ Crow closes the box. ]
MIKE: Right. Guys, neither of you has magic. You're just real-world scientific
robots.
CROW: Oh yeah? Then how do you explain this? [ He holds up a vial of red
liquid. ]
[ Meanwhile, Tom ducks down behind the counter and pops up minus the wires and
duct tape. ]
MIKE: Um, let me see that.
CROW: Sure.
MIKE: [ takes the vial ] Hmm... [ opens it, smells it ] Crow! This isn't
liquid magic! It's just red paint!
CROW: Huh? I thought...
MIKE: Tom, turn around, OK?
[ Tom turns around, showing his backside; there's a big metallic gray spot
where the red paint has been scraped off. ]
CROW: Aaugh!
MIKE: There, you see? Tom, go have Gypsy repaint your backside.
CROW: You always spoil everything, Mike. [ The Mads Sign flashes. ]
MIKE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need some less dangerous hobbies, all right?
[ Mike taps the Mads Sign. ] What's up with you Turks?
[ CF. The Mads seem to be winding down after a big party. The decorations are
scattered across the room. ]
PEARL: Wow, that was fun.
OBSERVER: Oh, definitely. I can't believe how many people actually showed up!
BOBO: Did you ever find out who brought the goats?
PEARL: No, I asked around, and everyone denied it.
OBSERVER: I'm pretty sure it was Kendra.
PEARL: You're kidding.
OBSERVER: No, no.
PEARL: [ noticing M&TB ] Oh, hello. We were just discussing our amazing party
we put on while you were in the theater.
[ SOL ]
MIKE: Aww, you mean we missed it?
[ CF ]
PEARL: Yup, sure did! Boy, it was a blast! My ears are still ringing!
BOBO: Say, Lawgiver, who exactly is going to clean up this mess?
[ Pearl and Observer look at each other, slowly smile, and turn to look at
Bobo. ]
Um... ook... I guess I'd better get started. [ He starts picking up the
trash. ] Say, Brainy, do you think you might help me out here? You know,
with your mind and all?
OBSERVER: I'm not sure, let me think about it, *no*.
BOBO: Ah, well then, I'll just get going. [ continues in background ]
PEARL: Until next time, Nelson! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha--
OBSERVER: Wait, why are you laughing? The fanfic didn't break their spirits.
PEARL: [ pause ] Um... [ whiny ] Oh, you *always* ruin my fun! [ pouty ] Hmph.
See you next week, Mike. I guess. [ She shuffles off-screen. ]
[ Fade to black. ]
[ End theme music. ]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of part 6 of 6 (and the whole enchilada)
Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com
-or-
glee...@aol.com)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Disclaimer: if you don't like it, tough. *NO*, just kidding.
This MSTing is copyright (c) me, Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com).
Natalie Rose Port (nini...@hotmail.com) gave me some help with a few
riffs; she's cool.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use
of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes
only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by
Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
These two Final Fantasy-related texts are (c) their authors (and they're
welcome to it). I'm not repeating myself regarding infringement, so just
see above.
This MSTing is purely intended for entertainment and is not meant as an
insult. I'd put some sort of funny remark here, but my inspiration is low.
My MSTing was proofread by:
Ryan Ours (ryan...@prontomail.com),
Natalie Rose Port (nini...@hotmail.com),
John & Jen Berry (be...@sugar-river.net),
Cedric Henry (lobst...@yahoo.com),
Jamie Jeans (xw...@uniserve.com), [...]
"CultofTS" (jjh...@midwest.net), and
eric schepers (sch...@hotmail.com).
If there's anything wrong, blame them.
I actually did name Barrett "Mr. T" when I played FF7.
Those lame host segments came from:
Joe Blevins (joe...@concentric.net),
hunter (hf...@mediaone.net),
Sizer-chan (si...@thedoghousemail.com),
Jen White (JenW...@aol.com), and
Roland Warner (tom_...@geocities.com).
And yes, they did know that they were supposed to be *bad* ideas.
That Zena Bernstein thing is an homage to the MSTing of "Rangers of NIMH II".
Just go 'n' read it, OK?
I would be very surprised if you could tell me the identity of all ten of
those people.
Web site: http://www2.crosswinds.net/detroit/~shayc/
Finally, thanks to the world for existing. Couldn't have done it without ya.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stinger:
> Zarok leered, showing off every fang in his tooth-filled maw. "Well,
> m'lady, would you care to go a round with me?"
> Zarok could feel the general leering back, though he couldn't see her face
> under her hood. "Absolutely, my lord. But first, let me remove this
> cumbersome
> cloak."
> Gauntleted hands came to her throat, where she undid a jeweled brooch, and
> the cape and hood slipped to her feet.
> Zarok's jaw dropped.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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