MSTed: Stephen Ratliff's "A Royal Mess", Part Two (5/7)

[Mighty Jack]

>
>Chapter Ten
>
> On the planet Essex, Marrissa and Clara had hit the deck as the
>security team matterialized in the Trakce ship of the Romulan Captain
>Tomallok.

Tom: Previously, on "Knight Rider".

> The dozen Security officers appeared arranged around the edge
>of the room, phasers drawn facing the half a dozen Romulans in the room.
>Tomallok reached for his disrupter. "I wouldn't do that if I were you,"
>Marrissa said from the floor.

Mike: Suddenly, strawberry juice is beamed in over Tomalak's head.

> "I don't intend to die in at the hands of Federation
>interagaters,"

Crow: Federation what?
Mike: I think that's the technical name for those giant popcorn machines
movie theaters use.

> the Romulan Captain said. "Now get up off the floor and
>join me." He reached for the disrupter. A phaser beam hit him
>square in the chest.

Tom: You heard him, Marrissa! Join him!

> "I told him," Marrissa said as the rest of the Romulans
>surrendered. Then noticing Commander Riker she continued. "Commander,
>we need to locate Martin. From this room and how Tomallok spoke I believe
>he is here."

Crow: If you listen carefully, you can hear a "Whassup!" from underneath
the floorboards.
Mike: And that takes care of our required "Martin Sussex/Martin Lawrence"
joke.

> "Worf has orders to look for him as soon as all the Trakce and
>Romulans are rounded up," Commander Riker said.

Tom: (as Riker) We'll have to head them off at the pass.

> "I had better check in.
>Riker to Enterprise."
> "This is the Enterprise, I'm sorry I can't talk much right now,
>Number One. I'm in the middle of a battle."

Mike: (as Picard) But if you'll leave your name and number, we can have
one of our representatives call you at an inconvenient time and
harangue you for telephone services.

> "Just calling you to inform you that your daughter and Clara are
>back in safe hands."

Crow: (as Riker) We're administering strawberry juice as a precautionary
measure.

> "Thank you, Commander, Enterprise out."
> "Just my luck, I undertake a mission and the Enterprise is
>attacked," Marrissa said. "Will I ever be able to try my own evasive
>manuevers, myself?"

Tom: Well, that depends on whether or not Jay is a gentleman, doesn't it?

>
> Up in space, the Trinity had just opened fire on thr Trakce
>vessel.

Mike: We appear to have wandered into The Song of Roland, gentlemen; if
you'll fasten your seat belts we can get back to our story as soon
as possible.

> Apparently the Trakce were not perpared for what ever type of
>phaser the Pope's ship was using and the beam went right though the shields.

Crow: He's using Holy Phaser!

>The Trakce ship when up in a cloud of Plasma. As its ally was no longer
>helpful, the Romulan ship turned to run. Unfortunately there was a
>problem with the Romulan's cloaking device. The shields went down but
>instead of the ship cloaking the Romulan's null singularity generator was
>ejected. This left them helpless.

Tom: Because a century of Romulan engineers couldn't think of a bigger way
to screw up the middle of battle.
Mike: They are going to be sending a *stern* note to Romulan tech support
in the morning.

>
> "Hail the Romulan, Ensign," Admiral Picard ordered Katherine
>Szustakowski.
> "The Romulans are responding."
> "On Screen." The Romulan Bridge appeared on the main veiw
>screen. "This is Admiral Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship USS
>Enterprise. We request your immediate and unconditional surrender."
> The Romulan commander had just two words for the Admiral.

Crow: "Bite" and "me".

> "We
>Surrender."

Tom: Figures...

> "Mister Data, take a crew over there. You will submit to
>Commander Data's command and disarm immediately. Enterprise out."

Mike: (as Picard) We're going to fall for this trap, but not the one after
that.

> "Hail the Trinity."

All: HAIL TRINITY!
Crow: For those about to riff, we salute you!

> "Pope Gregory the Twentieth is responding," Ensign Katherine
>Szustakowski replied.

Tom: He just resolved an investiture controversy with King Henry the
Seventeenth.
Mike: You know, I think I'm going to put a block on the History Channel's
web site.

> "On Screen," the Admiral responded. Pope Gregory the Twentieth
>looked very out of place sitting in the Command Chair of the Bridge of the
>Trinity,

Crow: Actually, it's just the new Pope-Mobile.

> but no less than the rest of his crew.

Tom: Whom Stephen will now take about three years to introduce to us all.

> It was kind of funny to
>see a bridge like the one on the original Enterprise manned by monks and
>nuns and commanded by his holiness, Pope Gregory the Twentieth.

Mike: Funny? No. Surreal and goofy? Yes.
Crow: And the fact that they had all taken vows of silence made it really
hard to get a status report out of them.

> On second
>thought, maybe the Pope was in the right place. There was an air of
>command coming from the man in the center seat and he sat like he belonged
>there. "This is Admiral Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship
>Enterprise, thanks for the help."
> "God is always willing to lead a helping hand if you need him,"
>the Pope responded.

Tom: ... and, more importantly, so is Ratliff.

> "What are you doing in the neighborhood?" the Admiral asked.
>"This is rather far from the Vatican."
> "I was visiting the Arch-Diocese of Garson's sector when I heard
>my services as a Religious Leader might be of service on my homeworld,"

Mike: (as Gregory) Some idiot keeps calling Garson and asking if they can
order now.

> the
>Pope replied. "Needless to say I set a course and set off at warp 4. Popes
>haven't had the chance to crown anyone for over 8 centuries.

Crow: (as Gregory) Since all of those silly countries rejected monarchy
and all. But, I'll help restore the concept of "Divine Right of
Kings!" Yes, I will!

> I'd like to
>end that drought."

Tom: Actually, this is a good move on Gregory's part. He's asserting that
at least God has control over Marrissa.

> "Well I'll see that Queen Victoria contacts you to set up the
>details. Thanks again for the help," Picard said.
> "Don't thank me, thank the Lord, our God," the Pope responded.
> "I will, Enterprise out."

Mike: (as Picard) Well, I would if Roddenberry didn't demand we all see
religion as primitive, silly and pointless.

> "Incoming hail from the Independence," Szustakowski said.

Crow: (as Picard) Stand by to call the insurance company with a claim.

> "On Screen," Picard said, yet another time.
> "Admiral, I have a problem," Jay Gordon said.
> "And what would that be?" Picard asked.

Tom: (as Jay) I got a Social Studies test the same day as my English
paper's due.
Mike: (as Jay) I've got this growing in weird places...
Crow: (as Jay) I'm into my bookie for 30 large. You gotta help me!

> "The upper level officers on this ship were placed in the brig
>by the Trakce and Romulans who took over the Independence," Jay said.
>"Since they couldn't use the computer, they powered the forcefields from
>life support circuits and they welded the doors shut though most of
>the ship so we can't even get to some of the trapped officers."

Tom: So, now that they've had the force fields on for three days, all the
senior officers have had a good 72 hours without oxygen and now
they're spending a lot more time staring at the wallpaper and
giggling mysteriously than they used to.

> "I'll send Commander LaForge over to solve your problem.

Mike: Yes. Just him.

>Enterprise out." Captain Picard then began walk over toward the forward
>turbolift saying, "If anyone else calls me, tell them that I'm unavailable.

Crow: (as Picard) If anyone wants to see me in person, tell them I'm French.

>Counselor, you have the bridge."

Tom: (as Picard) Try not to sell it to gullible tourists this time.

>
> It was his cousins Clara and Marrissa who finally found Martin.
>The ten year old boy had taken the confusion which the Enterprises rescue
>of his cousins had caused to escape into the forest.

Mike: So, finally, a Ratliff extra makes a choice rationally motivated by
self-preservation.
Crow: Namely, choosing to be ten years old in a Ratliff story.

> Marrissa and Clara
>wouldn't have found him either if it weren't for one thing that Clara had
>never done.

Tom: Please! We lived through "The Only Constant"'s end scene *and* "All
the King's Horses"' pool scene! Weren't those bad enough?

> "You know Marrissa, it's kind of strange," Clara said.
> "What's strange?" Marrissa asked

Mike: (as Clara) That Heckle and Jeckle cartoon where they realize they're
cartoon characters and can turn into a mouse or a traffic light or
anything if they just decide to, and they go around living the high
animated life for the rest of the short.

> "Here we are in a large forest, and I have never climbed a real
>tree," Clara replied.

Crow: (as Clara) I have a sudden urge for an amazing coincidental plot
point.

> "Then we better rectify the matter,"

Tom: *Hey!* Oh, wait. I see....

> Marrissa said. "That tree
>over there looks like a good climbing tree.

Mike: Sure! Why not? It's not as if they're supposed to be looking for
a child who might be dying or anything. What better time could
there be to climb a tree? Hey! The next time the Enterprise
gets into a fight, why not take the opportunity to do some warp
donuts? Hmmm?

> They began climbing up the stately oak tree,

Crow: Oh no, they're going to run into Bruce Wayne's secret treehouse!

> two Starfleet
>Officers under the age of fourteen. As they began to climb Marrissa noted,
Mike: (as Marrissa, singing) Look at we, we're as helpless as a Kid's Crew
up a tree...
Bots: (groans)

>"I think someone has climbed this tree before."

Tom: (as Marrissa) You can tell by his pheromone trail.

> A voice came down from above, "Yes some one has and if you are
>Romulans, I'd suggest you climb back down and start running."

Mike: Stephen, you're in danger of violating your "wrath of God in the
fanfic" quota!
Crow: Where's the wrath of God *for* the fanfic?

> Clara and Marrissa looked at each other and said in unison,
>"Martin."

Tom: Or one of those Japanese soldiers from World War II who hasn't
heard it's over.

> "You have five seconds," Martin replied.

Crow: (as Michael Palin) Three seconds, sir.

> "Matin Sussex, we are not Romulan's," Marrissa shouted up the
>tree.

Mike: Look at that, she treed a bit player.

> "I'm Marrissa Picard of the Starship Enterprise and my friend here
>is Clara Sutter of the same."

Crow: The dramatic return of the U.S.S. Same!
All: (lamely cheer)

> "If you are Marrissa Picard of the Starship Enterprise then what
>did you carve and were did you carve it on STARDATE 47577," Martin asked.

Mike: (as Marrissa) MAFP + JG 4-ever?
Tom: No, Mike. You're confusing Marrissa with a normal teenage girl.
Mike: Ah...

> "I carved the word twice next to my earlier carving of 'I was
>beaten by a bunch of kids' on Gul Ducats warship on his port blade," was
>Marrissa reply.
> "They could know that," Martin said. "What is your favorite
>drink?"

Crow: (as Marrissa) Blue! No, green! AAAAAUUUUGGHH!

> "Strawberry juice," Marrissa replied.

Mike: (as Martin) Who did you most recently subjugate and bend to your will?
Tom: (as Marrissa) Jay!

> "I'm coming down," Martin said.

Tom: Martin seems to know as much about Marrissa as we do.
Crow: He must have read these fanfics too.
Mike: Poor kid.

> A blond boy descended. He was
>shirtless, and was carrying his shirt like a bag,

Tom: And wearing his sneakers on his forehead. He wasn't exactly a nuclear
scientist, here.

> using only one arm to aid
>in his decent. He meet Marrissa and Clara on the ground. His shirt was
>full of acorns.

Mike: His pants were full of pine cones.

> "So you are the famous young Lieutenant," Martin said. "You
>have no idea how long I have wanted to meet you."

Crow: So how did he know anything about her that wasn't in the public record
and therefore something any Romulan could in principle know?

> "I can make a good guess, cousin," Marrissa said. "My guess is
>about a year."
> "Cousin?" Martin asked.

Crow: (as Martin) Is it too late to convert to Mormonism?
Mike: Crow, you seem a bit harsh on religion this time out.
Crow: I'm still bitter over "Exposing the Darkness at Point Loma Nazarene
College".
Mike: Ah.
Tom: Enough plugs! This is the most self indulgent MiSTing ever!
Mike: If it was, we'd have plugged "Sailor Babylon" too.
Tom: Just stop!

> "We were doing some research to determine who the heirs to this
>planet's throne were and all three of us here came up," Marrissa said.
>"You work out to be fifth in line and my third cousin. Clara works out to b
>e third and my second cousin. And finally I'm first in line."

Crow: (as Marrissa) ... and I'm my own grandpa.

> "Wow, I'm related to the famous youngest Lieutenant in
>Starfleet," Martin said.
> "What no comment as to being royalty?" Clara asked.

Tom: (as Clara) Fool! Comment on her royalty now, or be destroyed!

> "That Romulan told me that, I wasn't impressed," Martin said.
>"Then I began to analyze his motives and he grew most annoyed. How have
>you taken the recent turn of events."
> "Martin, you should become a Ship's Counselor," Marrissa said.

All: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Mike: It's spreading! The cancer that is the Kid's Crew is spreading!

>"Tell me, have you ever considered going to Starfleet Academy?"

Crow: (as Marrissa) Or, better yet, use an Encyclopedia Brown scheme to
subvert and avoid a time-tested mechanism to protect both children
and the integrity of the fleet?

> "What kid hasn't after hearing about your exploits?" Martin
>said.

Tom: There's that Nicholas Seafort kid.
Mike: Oh, and that Miles Vorkosigan.

> "Marrissa we better report in," Clara said. "We don't want our
>parents to start worring."

Crow: That'd be an interesting "Celebrity Deathmatch".

> "Agreed," Marrissa said. "Martin, would you care to join us?"

Tom: (as Marrissa) You'll have to stand on a table in Ten-Forward, pull
down your pants and sing "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" if you
do, though.

> "Would I ever," Martin said.
> "Lieutenant Marrissa Picard to the Enterprise," Marrissa said
>after tapping her communicator. "Three to beam up."

Mike: And another child finds himself assimilated by the Marrissa
Collective.
Tom: Let's leave before we get assimilated too.

[Mike and the bots get up and exit the theater.]

[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]

[SOL]

[Tom stands alone on the bridge, wearing a blonde wig.]

Tom: Hi there! Do you know me? Of course you do! I'm the
saviour of the galaxy, Marrissa Amber Flores Picard!
Crown Princess of Essex, head of all the Kid's Crews
in Starfleet, and bringer of a fantastic deal for *you*!
You see, I've been in many tough scrapes, and I've come
through them all with flying colors! How? Well, some
might say it's because of nepotism. Others claim it's
because I use underlings as cannon fodder. And the more
fanciful among us claim it's because my, heh, "author"
writes me out of bad situations. But no. My ability to
survive formidable odds comes from my training, training
that I'll share with *you* in my new Marrissa Amber Flores
Picard Survival Course!

[Various "oohs!" and "ahs!" can be heard.]

Tom: That's right, just by taking my course, you too will be
able to face down enemy war fleets, dispatch enemies with
primitive, hastily made weapons, hash out complicated treaties
between warring nations, or even avoid photographers who want
to take pictures of you when you're at the pool. Just a few
easy lessons, and you'll be able to handle all of these crises
and many, many more! Any questions? Yes sir?

[The camera shifts to Mike, who's wearing an earring and has wrinkles
on his nose.]

Mike: Hi. Can your course lead me to spiritual enlightenment?

[Back to Tom.]

Tom: Sure thing! In fact, let's hear from one of our graduates!

[A taped image is shown. A bald black man with a beard sits behind
a desk.]

Sisko: Hello. Before taking Marrissa's course, I was a
lowly junior officer pining over the death of my wife.
But now, I'm in command of a space station, I've got a
great-looking girlfriend, and I'm the Emissary of the
Prophets! Thanks, Marrissa!

[Back to the audience. Gypsy, who's dressed like a Klingon, stands.]

Gypsy: Will your course allow me to bring glory to the Empire?

[Back to Tom.]

Tom: Of course! Our graduates are trained to always act
honorably! And they're also taught how to eliminate
witnesses to dishonorable acts, just in case.

[Back to the audience. A tall, red-haired man dressed in a tuxedo
stands with a wide grin on his face.]

Conan: Lance, I was a homely talk show host until I took your
course, but now...

[The view returns to Tom.]

Tom: Sir? Sir! You're looking for the "How To Be A Handsome
Man" course. That's down the hall.

[The audience.]

Conan: Thanks! Oh, and by the way, you're a very handsome woman!

[Tom again.]

Tom: Thank you! Okay, time for one more question. You sir!

[The audience. Crow is dressed like a Cardassian. You figure
out how.]

Crow: Marrissa, I'm a Gul. Can your course help me defeat my
foes in the Federation?

[Back to Tom. He chuckles.]

Tom: I'm afraid not. In fact, just for asking that question, we're
going to have to carve "I was beaten by a bunch of kids" into
your hide. Sorry!

[The commercial sign light begins to flash.]

Tom: Well, that's all the time we have! Remember to sign up
for the Marrissa Amber Flores Picard Survival Course!
Since the Federation has no money, it's free! Remember!
The Marrissa Amber Flores Picard Survival Course! It'll
change your life!

[Tom hits the commercial sign light.]

[Commercials: Valtrex: It's about supressing nausea while watching this
commercial.]

[Continued in Part 6]